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“To report suspicious activity….”
“You can call 911 for an immediate response….”
“And there’s still no working cure for the virus….”
“Ugh!” Ellie groaned as she turned off the television and tossed her remote across the room.
She pulled her knees up to her chest and forced herself to take a few deep breaths. No matter which channel she tried to watch, the news blared back at her reminding her of the scary and dangerous things going on in the world and even in her own city.
The sound of an ambulance racing by her apartment building had her throwing her hands over her ears and clamping her eyes shut. She knew she was in sensory overload. With her anxiety as bad as it had been recently, it was bound to show up at some point, but she hated that it was while she was in the one place that was supposed to be her safe space.
Opening her eyes slowly, she looked around and whined as it seemed like every light in the apartment was on, burning her eyes and making her feel like she was overheating.
Tearing off the old sweatshirt of Jay’s that she wore, she walked around her living room while shaking her hands. She was pacing, and though she knew she could call her brothers, she also knew they were both working late that night and opted not to do so.
Another siren went past her building, this time a police cruiser, and Ellie’s ears felt like they would start bleeding at any second. She hurriedly locked herself in her bedroom and jumped into bed, shoving her pillow over her ears. When that didn’t help the noise from getting in, she grabbed the sweatshirt she’d discarded and tied it around her head before slamming the pillow back over her ears.
Now she could drown out all the sounds of the city and rest.
Everyone was at Molly’s for the bar’s anniversary party, and it was packed. Ellie hadn’t wanted to go, but she knew that her brothers would bug her until she gave in, so she decided to go for a while.
It was the wrong decision to make.
Like that night in her apartment, every light and noise bothered her. She tapped her nail on her glass as Hailey and Kim spoke about a case they had just finished but stayed quiet.
It wasn’t that she didn’t want to join in, but her anxiety was at an all-time high, and all she wanted to do was go home, pop a Xanax, and sleep away the feeling. She was reminded of her younger years, before Jay and Will had come home, when her father would tell her to get over it and tell her she was too sensitive. She never really paid him much mind, however, as she was always searching for an exit out of wherever they were.
Finally, after two hours of being there, Ellie had had enough. Everyone was packed in too tightly, and the music was too loud. Setting her drink on the table she shared with Jay, Hailey, Will, Kim, and Adam, she spun her head around to search for a way out.
She didn’t hear the voices trying to speak to her until a large hand clamped onto her shoulder, making her jump in the air, her heart beating a mile a minute.
“Ellie? What’s wrong?”
She stared wide-eyed at Jay before spinning and shoving her way unceremoniously through the crowd behind them.
She needed out, and she needed it now.
Everyone at the table stared after her for a second before the boys moved, apologizing to everyone she’d shoved out of the way and following the path she had taken. When they finally got outside, they found her pacing beside the building with her hands shaking.
“Ellie…” Jay tried to get her attention, but she was stuck in her own head.
Will gave his brother a look, and both men blocked her path on either side. Her eyes grew wide as she realized she had no room to move, and her breathing picked up.
“El, it’s okay.” Will’s voice was low and gentle. “Look around you; you’re out of there and out here in the fresh air. Slow your breathing down.”
Her eyes were wide again as she stared at him before trying to take a few breaths. They came out feebly, but they were better than nothing.
“Did you bring your medication?” The redhead asked her and took her purse when she nodded. “May I?”
She nodded again and groaned. “This sucks.”
This time Jay gripped her bicep to help ground her. “Hey, it’s okay. You’re okay.”
Will finally found her medicine and handed her one, but she winced. “I can’t…I don’t have anything to drink.”
Rolling his eyes, Will shared a look with Jay as he headed back for the bar to get her some water as the middle Halstead made her focus on him. “What happened in there?”
She felt her heart start beating painfully again and reached her hand up to grip his. “It was too loud, and there were too many people, and everything was too bright….”
“Hey, it’s okay.” He gripped her tightly and brought her back to him as Will came outside with a glass of water.
“Here. Now take the meds before you make yourself pass out.”
She did as he asked and leaned back against the building, closing her eyes. She knew they were sharing a look, but she didn’t care.
“How long has it been like this?” Will asked her.
She opened her eyes as the roaring in her ears tuned down, and her heart started returning to normal. “Like, how long has it been bad again?” They nodded. “Like two weeks?”
“Why didn’t you call us?” Jay asked, hurt in his voice.
“Because you guys are busy, and you can’t drop everything because I’m nervous about everything under the sun.” She told them. “I’m sorry, you just can’t.”
“But we can try.” Will shook his head. “Have you talked to your therapist?”
She nodded. “My therapist, yes. My psychiatrist, no. We’ve been playing phone tag, and it’s getting annoying. But I’m working on it, and I know now that I can call you, and you’ll get it.”
“Of course, we will,” Jay said earnestly. “You should have told us sooner.”
She shrugged, letting out a cleansing breath. “Well, one thing’s for sure…I’m not going back in there tonight.”
“That’s okay,” Will told her. “I can take you home.”
“You just want to make sure I’m okay tonight, which means the couch is yours.” She joked, knowing he’d insist on staying overnight.
She blushed a little, having gotten caught, but nodded. “Yes, I do worry about you, you know.”
“Thank you.”