Work Text:
One
Fatin was still learning how to breathe.
It didn’t happen nearly as often as it used to, but every once in a while something would remind her of Dot and suddenly, her lungs gave out and she was left gasping for air. It was like she was 20 again and sobbing in that godforsaken airport.
Well, in this case it was a random bathroom stall in the mall, but same thing.
Fatin knew she shouldn't even be upset. It was just a stupid pickup line a less than average guy had said, but it still hurt. It still reminded her of Dot. Everything did.
Almost unconsciously, she pulled up her sleeve and traced her fingertips over the familiar phrase tattooed on her forearm. It had been two years since black turned to red. If Fatin concentrated, then she could still feel the blinding pain that came with the switch.
Hey, I’ve got a question about your shirt.
Fatin shared a small smile with herself and her soulmate that was no longer there. Dot never failed to cheer her up.
It had been well over ten minutes. Fatin knew she had to get her shit together, but-
Three soft knocks. A shadow that could be seen on the other side of the door. Shelby, probably.
“Sorry to interrupt, but can I borrow a tampon?”
That was not Shelby.
Suddenly, a strong stinging began on Fatin’s sternum. It didn't hurt, but it wasn’t pleasant either. It simply was, and Fatin was certain she had never experienced anything quite like it.
Fatin pulled up her shirt and what sat there was enough for the breath to be knocked out of her lungs once again. A new soulmate tattoo. Not matte, but shiny.
Her new soulmate.
It was almost unheard of. When soulmate tattoos appeared, they were always dull until spoken. But this new one on Fatin’s skin came shiny. Almost as if the words were being tattooed as she heard them.
“If it works better for you, I can just keep it instead,” the stranger said with an awkward chuckle.
Whoever was outside was Fatin’s new soulmate. Why the universe decided to throw this in her face now was beyond her. All that she knew was that universe approved or not, Fatin was not ready.
“Are you okay in there?” the voice called again.
Fatin still couldn't breathe, but she couldn't stay here either. So, she fixed her shirt and pulled down her sleeve. With one final wipe to her eyes, she opened the door.
Fatin knew she should say something. This was her soulmate, afterall. Her new one. The one who wasn’t Dot. The one who came to replace the soulmate sized hole in her heart.
She opened her mouth. Once, twice. Nothing came out. The girl was staring now, her blue eyes piercing through Fatin like she knew everything about her. Fatin didn’t bother trying a third time. She simply thrusted a couple tampons into the other girl’s hands before leaving.
The world had stopped spinning by the time Fatin reached Shelby. Their stuff was already packed up and Shelby started walking without Fatin having to say anything. She had never been more grateful that she was friends with someone who truly got it.
Shelby stayed quiet until they got into her car. Even then, it was Fatin to break the silence first.
“Do you ever feel weird about it?
“About what?” Shelby glanced at Fatin as she merged them onto the freeway. Fatin was happy that they decided to sit in traffic instead of taking the subway like they normally did.
“Your new soulmate. The one that you’re gonna get to replace Becca.” Shelby had lost her soulmate at a younger age than Fatin. Still, she got her second tattoo only a few months after the incident. It had been two years since Dot’s death and only now was Fatin getting hers.
Nobody really knew how soulmates worked. Everyone was assigned one; even aromantic people were given a platonic soulmate. All that was known was that the words that appeared on your skin during your early years would be spoken by the person you were meant to spend the rest of your life with. Second soulmates were only given to those whose partners died when young, like with Shelby and now Fatin. When that tattoo appeared was completely random. It was especially strange since the second soulmate usually had that person initially, even before the first soulmate’s death.
It was complicated and Fatin didn’t think she’d have to deal with it. She just assumed she’d be grieving Dot for the rest of her life.
“I don’t think of it as this new soulmate replacing Becca. Nobody could. I think of it as a new opportunity. Not better or worse than what it was like with Becca, just different. So to answer your question; yes, but not in a bad way.” Shelby spoke with confidence and a smile on her face. Fatin couldn’t fathom the idea of smiling while talking about such a subject.
“Aren’t you, like, scared?”
“What is there to be scared of? I can’t change the past. All I can do is hope for the best in the future.” Fatin just hummed in response. Shelby took another glance towards her as they approached a red light. “What’s got you talking about all of this?”
Fatin sighed and simply pulled up her shirt until the new tattoo was showing. Shelby full on gasped and stared at the shiny words instead of the road. Fatin rolled her eyes. So dramatic.
“Fatin… When did you? And it’s glossed over! My gosh, what happened to you?” Shelby’s southern accent was on full display as her questions kept coming. It was amusing to Fatin and for the first time since the incident, Fatin smiled.
“In the bathroom. Some girl came in while I was mid-breakdown. Kinda rude if you ask me.”
Fatin chuckled at her own joke, but Shelby’s shock remained. “What happened after?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing? You’re telling me this girl didn’t care to meet her dang soulmate?”
“Well, the thing is… she doesn’t exactly know.”
Shelby was visibly confused. “How could she not know?”
“I, uhh, didn’t actually say anything.”
“Fatin!”
“I know, I know, Shelby. It was so fucked up and she should know, but I physically couldn’t. I tried to say something, but nothing came out.” That’s when the weight of the situation dawned on Fatin. She didn’t know anything about this girl and vice versa. Hell, the girl didn’t even know she met her soulmate. Fatin just took away this girl’s happiness because, what, she was scared? That was weak.
“Hey, breathe, Fatin. It’s fine.” Shelby’s hand found her own in comfort. “You’ll meet the girl again. The universe has a funny way of dealing with things.”
Fatin scoffed. “Sure was funny when the universe decided to kill off Dot.”
“Fatin…”
“Kidding! I’m kidding.”
~~~
Two
Fatin was not having a good time.
She didn’t party anymore. That was something she did with Dot and without her there, Fatin didn't see a need. It just got her more depressed and she did not need that right now. Shelby begged her to, though, and Fatin thought it might take her mind away from the words on her sternum and the girl who spoke them.
Besides, this was a birthday party for Shelby’s newly found second soulmate. Toni and Shelby had met a month ago (which was only a week after Fatin’s encounter with her own second soulmate). She had yet to meet Toni and Shelby thought it was the perfect opportunity.
“Relax, you’ll be fine,” Shelby said as they waited on the doorstep.
Fatin, in fact, was not fine. At that moment, the door swung open and revealed the same blue eyes from the washroom. They were hazy now, from the alcohol, but Fatin would recognize them anywhere.
“Hiya, Leah! This is my friend, Fatin. Fatin, this is Toni’s friend, Leah.”
Leah. Leah. Leah.
The name echoed in Fatin’s head until she couldn’t think of anything else. Fatin didn’t know what to do- didn’t know what to say. So, she did the only thing that made sense.
She shut the door on Leah.
“What the heck, Fatin?”
And Fatin wanted to explain it to Shelby. She wanted her to know all the feelings that lead to her actions, even if she didn’t understand them herself. But she physically couldn't. She felt trapped. She was in the bathroom stall, the stinging fresh on her skin. She was in the airport, tears falling on her face. She was hearing about Dot’s death for the first time, hearing a stranger ask for a tampon.
It was too much. Her mind was filled, but she couldn’t translate her thoughts into words. Instead, she frantically pointed to her sternum and hoped that Shelby would understand.
Shelby, the blessing she was, did. She simply nodded at Fatin, said a quick, “whatever you decide, I’ll back you up,” and reopened the door.
“Hey, did you give me a tampon a month ago?” Leah asked the second the door had fully opened.
Fatin blinked. Once, twice. No sound came from her mouth. She felt paralyzed.
“Sorry, I forgot to mention that Fatin’s nonverbal tonight.” Shelby to the rescue.
“Nonverbal? Why?”
“In solidarity. For the kids without… mouths.” Okay, maybe not rescue, more like setting a building on fire.
Leah was either too nice to say anything or too drunk to notice. She just smiled at the two and lead them through the house.
The party wasn’t big, more of a gathering, really. It didn't look like the types of parties Fatin used to go to in high school, but that didn’t stop her from hallucinating people who looked eerily similar to Dot in the crowd. She felt a hand squeeze her own and nodded in silent thanks to the blonde who always seemed to know what was happening in her head.
Eventually, they ended up in the kitchen where four girls were lining up shots. Shelby abandoned Fatin’s hand for Toni, the only one Fatin recognized. That would’ve been fine, but it left Fatin next to Leah.
God, was she always this nervous? Teenage Fatin would probably laugh in her face if she saw the way Fatin was acting now.
Whatever, it didn’t matter. Not when she had liquid courage to hopefully boost her confidence.
~~~
Fatin had forgotten that after Dot died she became a sad drunk.
To be fair, she mostly stopped drinking after Dot’s death. Before her death, Fatin had been the life of the party; always laughing and flirting with everyone (mostly Dot). She was just never able to tap back into that version of herself after it happened.
So now, she found herself curled up in a chair in the corner of the living room. More people had came and it was starting to get a gross sweaty vibe that everyone was too drunk to notice. Most people ignored her and those who didn’t would leave after Fatin didn’t respond.
That is until Leah walked over and took the seat next to Fatin’s.
“Hey, it’s me again, Leah. I don't know if you remember.” How could Fatin fucking forget? “Anyway, I’m pretty sure you don’t remember this, but you gave me a tampon in a bathroom once. You look lonely so I thought I'd return the favour. Care to chat?"
It’s not like Fatin could say no.
“Cool, so something tells me you're not actually mute to take a stance, am I correct?”
Fatin wasn’t exactly surprised that Shelby’s excuse didn't work, so she nodded to confirm Leah's theory. Lying to her soulmate more that she already was seemed cruel.
“That’s what I thought. Is it your first time going nonverbal?”
Fatin shook her head again. Truthfully, it happened a few times after Dot died.
“I’m very sorry. I know how frustrating it is. It happens to me too when I get super anxious or overwhelmed. Is that what happened to you?”
Fatin nodded. Fuck it, this was happening whether she wanted it to or not.
“Care to share?”
Really, Fatin could've just gotten up and left. She didn’t have to say anything, but something in those damn blue eyes were pulling at her and she couldn’t resist. Besides, she could blame this on being drunk tomorrow.
With a swift tug, Fatin held out her forearm for Leah to see.
“Oh. Oh.”
Fatin was quick to cover her arm again. She had gotten enough pitying stares for a lifetime before she decided to cover her arms whenever she left the house.
Surprisingly, Leah’s gaze was not one of them. Instead, they were filled with wonderment and curiosity.
“What were they like?”
And fuck, did Fatin miss Dot. How fucking long had it been since anyone asked her about her? Most people avoided bringing it up around Fatin in fear of her bursting into sobs or going into a full on meltdown.
That’s how she found herself texting Leah the whole night. Only spoken words counted for those who weren't mute or deaf, so Fatin wasn't worried. Besides, it was so nice to share with a new person how amazing Dot was. Leah never even asked about second soulmates like most usually did.
It was nice. Comforting, in a way she hadn't needed in a while.
~~~
Three
Fatin was starting to get worried.
It had been a few weeks since the party and she was still nonverbal. She had only recently been able to say a few words to Shelby and only Shelby. Everyone else had to deal with notes apps, texts, and even whiteboards. It was frustrating, to say the least.
It was coming close to Fatin’s record for being nonverbal (a month and three weeks right after Dot’s death, obvi). Although that was a lot worse since she didn’t speak a word to anyone. She wouldn’t even communicate in any way besides the occasional shrug.
As if that wasn’t enough, Leah and her have texted everyday since the party. Hell, they’ve even hung out a few times. Fatin sat through Leah’s literature lectures just to spend time with the girl. She told herself it was because now that Shelby had Toni, she needed new friends. She was scared of what it meant if that wasn’t the case.
Their friendship was fast, and that made Fatin anxious. It was addicting, though, and Fatin didn’t know how to stop.
Ring!
Usually Fatin ignored her phone when practicing her cello, but she was intrigued. Truthfully, nobody called her except Shelby, but she knew that she was on a date with Toni tonight. Besides, she was bored of doing the same exercises for the past two hours.
Her confusion only grew when she saw it was Leah who was calling. Voices counted even over the phone and Fatin was nonverbal either way. Still, she answered.
“Fatin? Fatin! Hi, you’re a music major. Do you think that Rachel and I would make a good band?” Leah’s words were slurred and she was clearly drunk.
Fatin, for the life of her, could not figure out what Leah wanted her to do. Even as she tried to speak, she couldn’t.
“Ah, fuck, I forgot. It was dumb of me to call you, huh? I don’t even know if you’re there. I could be speaking to a wall for all I know.”
Fatin didn’t want Leah to hang up, though, so she cleared her throat. It was enough of a sound that Leah would know she was there, but still no words.
“Oh, you are there! Hold on,” Leah said, her voice noticeably more excited. It didn’t take long for Fatin’s phone to vibrate again with an incoming facetime from Leah.
She picked up without hesitation.
“Okay, now watch this.” Leah set her phone farther away to reveal an equally drunk looking Rachel. "Baby, we're here to entertain you."
Rachel turned to Leah in confusion at her suddenly seductive tone. Fatin smiled through their drunken mumbled argument.
A countdown signaled the start of their performance. The pair began playing makeshift instruments (Leah blowing into glasses with varying amounts of liquid and Rachel using her hand to bang on the table) before singing to Home. It was probably the worst rendition Fatin had ever heard, but she loved every second of it.
Fatin: do u need me to pick u up?
The text sent just as the performance ended. Leah smiled sheepishly through the phone.
“Yes, please.”
~~~
“You’ve gotta admit, Rachel and I killed that,” Leah bragged. They had just dropped Rachel off (after a long encore performance that Fatin sure as shit didn’t ask for).
Fatin just hummed in response. They were flat as fuck, but their energy and overall performance was unmatched.
“Seriously, we should start a band.” Leah gasped dramatically. “And you could play the cello! It’s perfect!”
Fatin continued to listen to Leah as she helped her walk. Her apartment wasn’t far from Rachel’s and it was quicker to walk than drive.
“Well, aren't you gonna come inside?” Leah asked once they reached her door. Leah could barely walk on her own.
Of course Fatin followed.
Leah’s grin wasn’t missed as they walked through the shared apartment. Leah even shushed her multiple times as they passed by Toni’s and Martha’s rooms despite her making the most noise. It was amusing, though, and Leah’s hold on her hand wasn’t exactly a downside.
Fatin helped Leah take off her makeup and brush her teeth. She turned around while Leah put on the pyjamas she picked out for her. Just as she was about to leave, she felt Leah’s hand grasp her’s again.
“Wait, aren’t you gonna stay?”
Fatin shook her head.
“Please stay. It’s already 2am and I know you don’t live close by. Besides, I want you here.”
Fatin could still see those damn blue eyes in the darkness. She knew that they already had her convinced.
“Not on the floor, silly. Come here.”
Suddenly, Fatin was tugged down next to Leah. Her arms wrapped firmly around the shorter girl and a sigh of content left Leah’s lips. Fatin, despite her better judgment, allowed herself to be held.
“You know, I really hope my soulmate story is as sweet as yours and Dot’s,” Leah muttered into Fatin’s back.
That caught Fatin off guard because, well, her and Dot’s story was far from sweet.
“You two just loved each other so much. If I have a soulmate half as kind as you, then I’ll be happy. I hope you find that happiness again too someday.” Leah spoke gently, sleep slowly taking over. Peaceful and content.
Fatin could not relate.
She was frozen to the spot. She wished she could relax into Leah, but she couldn’t. Not when her mind was consumed by guilt. Leah still didn’t know Fatin was her soulmate. It was an uneven playing field. God, Leah had told her she wanted a soulmate like her, but that was the old Fatin. Fatin hadn’t been like that in years and she wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to get back to that. Fuck, she couldn’t even talk to Leah.
Fatin wasn’t stupid. She knew that she was developing feelings for Leah, whether she wanted to or not. Some part of her felt like it was a betrayal to Dot. She ignored that part of her most of the time.
It felt impossible. How was Fatin meant to be with Leah when she was still thinking about Dot? Shelby always told her that she didn’t have to forget about Dot, but she didn’t know how to be a good soulmate to Leah with Dot still on her mind.
Leah tightened her grip around Fatin’s waist. Fatin’s thoughts quieted.
Maybe, just for this moment, she could forget about it all.
~~~
Four
Fatin was beginning to feel better.
It took a month for her to recover from the party. Now, she was back to talking to everyone: her teachers, classmates, friends, acquaintances, and strangers. Hell, even Toni has heard her talk at this point. Yeah, she was back to normal.
Except when it came to Leah.
Fatin knew that if she wanted to, she could speak to Leah. She didn’t get the same stuck feeling she used to. It would just be painfully awkward now, though.
At this point, the two had known each other for three months (four if you included the tampon incident). If Fatin spoke now, Leah was sure to be upset. It was obvious that not only did Fatin know for months, but also that everyday since she decided to keep Leah out of the loop. Even if she couldn't talk, she could’ve wrote or texted “oh btw I’m your soulmate” and yet she didn't.
“You doing okay?” Leah asked from across the room. They were in Fatin’s apartment to hang out. Leah was writing an essay while Fatin played in the background for her.
Fatin nodded.
“You sure? You stopped playing like ten minutes ago and you look like you’re going dark on me,” Leah said.
Fatin just smiled and nodded again. She knew she wouldn't get anything done with Leah here so she abandoned her cello and opted to sit closer to her. Leah just smiled before going back to work.
The two fell into a comfortable silence. It was moments like these that Fatin enjoyed the most. She could pretend that she wasn't constantly lying to her second soulmate. They were just two friends who could enjoy each other quietly.
Leah raised her hand to her face. Fatin knew Leah well enough to stop her before she could tug out any eyebrow hairs. Leah spared another grateful look towards Fatin as she kept their fingers intertwined. It was just easier for the two to communicate through touch.
“What’s that rhythm you're always tapping?” Leah asked after a few minutes had passed.
Fatin hadn’t even realized she was doing it. It was an old habit that just never seemed to go away.
“You know, the one that goes da-da-dum-dum-da-dum-da-dum.”
Fatin reluctantly gave up Leah’s hand for a nearby pencil and notebook.
Dot’s fav
bitch had my fingers bleeding from how often i played it
Leah laughed as Fatin wrote. It made Fatin’s heart pick up.
“You should play it for me sometime.”
Fatin shrugged and got up. Despite the fact that she tapped out the rhythm at least ten time a day, she hadn't actually performed the piece in almost a year. Still, she knew that it was engraved in her head and her fingers.
Fatin played the first few notes as Leah moved to sit closer to her. Her fingers glided across her cello by muscle memory. Leah’s eyes never left her through the entire piece.
It was weird to perform it for someone who wasn’t Dot. Yet, it didn’t hurt. Instead, it felt healing. Like she knew that no matter what, she’d feel safe with Leah. Just like how she was safe with Dot.
As she played the last notes, Fatin looked up. She found Leah’s lightened blue eyes with tears forming. At that moment, Fatin knew that she’d do anything to protect Leah from harm.
Even if it meant never speaking to her.
~~~
Leah: You've really never had a crush except Dot?
Fatin: nobody caught my interest before her
Truth on a technicality was still being truthful.
Leah: Not even any celebrity crushes?
Fatin: they weren't really my thing
Leah: Really? I had the biggest crush on Ben Folds.
Fatin: ben folds?
Leah: Yeah the piano player singer songwriter. He’s so hot.
Fatin: he’s like 80
Leah: He is not! He’s 50 and killing it.
Fatin: sure babes keep telling urself that
Leah: So your soulmate bond was just that strong, huh?
Fatin: nah i just wasn't the relationship type
Fatin: it took me like five months to ask her out
Leah: You were literally soulmates?
Fatin: obvi but relationships, not my style
Leah: So you wouldn't date now?
Fatin paused, trying to think of the right thing to say. She settled on the truth.
Fatin: i would, i just have to be okay first
Leah took a whole ten minutes to respond.
Leah: I wonder how long it will take my soulmate to ask me out.
Fatin’s breath caught up for a second. She always felt awkward and guilty whenever Leah brought up her soulmate she was “yet to meet.”
Fatin: why can't you ask them?
Leah: Really, Fatin, come on.
Leah: I have the confidence of a rock. One of those boring gray ones too.
Fatin: i don't think you're gray and boring
Leah: You can say that because if you were a rock you'd be sparkly and colourful.
Fatin: obvi i'm fabulous
Leah: That’s why I said that. All the rock collectors would swarm to you.
Fatin: well if i was a rock collector i'd choose you
Only when it took Leah another ten minutes to respond did Fatin realize that what she said might count as flirting.
Leah: I’d choose you too.
And maybe she was okay with that.
~~~
Five
Fatin was nervous.
Her leg wouldn't stop bouncing, her eyes couldn't settle, and her stomach felt like it was turning itself inside out. Even the calming sounds of the nearby “waterfall” (it was barely a foot tall) couldn't calm her down. Not when she was waiting for Leah. Not when she had received those three fucking words over text.
Leah: Can we talk?
Fatin could not, in fact, talk. Not to Leah, at least.
(Well, she could. She just really did not want to).
Fatin agreed anyway. Leah was her soulmate, after all, and she was definitely growing more attached to her by the day. It was actually kind of concerning.
“Hey,” Leah said. She was even more anxious than Fatin. “Sorry I’m late.”
Fatin tried her best to soothe Leah with a weak smile. She took her hand and sat her next to her as she began to tap out the ‘Dot symphony’, as Leah had named it. Fatin had rediscovered the comfort it brought her. She was more than happy to share that comfort with Leah.
“You know I care about you a lot,” Leah said and god, why did it feel like she was getting broken up with?
Fatin used her free hand to scribble an I care about you too.
“Thanks. I like to think that we got close over the past few months. You quickly became one of my best friends. Easily in the top three.”
And, yeah, when Fatin thought about it, Leah was probably one of her top best friends too (after Shelby, obvi).
“I was just wondering if you wanted to be more than friends.”
What.
“I know I’m not your soulmate and I am not trying to replace Dot. That’s, like, the opposite of what I want.”
Fatin felt her lungs collapse at the same time her heart soared.
“And even though we’re not soulmates I thought it’d be okay. I know a lot of people who aren’t soulmates, but they're still happy together. That could be us.”
Shit. They were soulmates. Fatin just didn't know how to tell her.
“I really like you and I thought maybe you might feel the same. Totally cool if you don’t.”
Fatin did feel the same, but that was the problem.
Fatin let go of Leah’s hand as her other hovered over her notebook, unmoving. She could tell Leah right now how she really felt. She could get rid of the guilt and just say what she wanted to.
But she couldn't. She was too much of a coward to do anything.
“Okay, well I get it. I, uhh, hope we can still be friends.”
Fatin did not want to be friends. She didn't really know what she wanted besides the feeling of Leah’s hand in hers again.
Leah was already speed walking away from her. Fatin wanted so bad to call out and stop her, but she couldn't. She was too afraid of how much everything would change the second she opened her mouth.
Instead, she called Shelby.
“Hey, can you pick me up?”
~~~
“Fatin, girl, you've gotta breathe.” Shelby rubbed soothing circles into her back.
“I am breathing, dipshit.”
“Fatin!”
“Sorry. I'm angry at myself and I shouldn't be taking that out on you.”
Shelby sighed. “Why can't you just tell Leah? She’s your soulmate, she'll forgive you.”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“I just can’t! Okay?”
Shelby stayed quiet after Fatin’s outburst. Fatin breathed heavily, still trying to take control of her breathing.
“Is it Dot?”
“What? No, Dot doesn’t have anything to do with this,” Fatin said. She knew it was a lie as she said it, though.
Shelby just smiled. She took Fatin’s hand in hers and slowly lifted the sleeve that covered her red tattoo.
“You know,” Shelby ran her fingers over the words, “it’s not your fault. None of it is.”
Fatin scoffed. “Who else’s fault would it be?”
“Would you tell me that what happened to Becca is my fault?” To be honest, Fatin never thought about it that way.
“It’s not, obvi.”
“Then it’s not your fault either. You’re allowed to be happy, Fatin.”
Fatin took a few more steadying breaths as her lungs finally felt like they weren’t on fire anymore.
“I can’t lose another one, Shelbs,” Fatin said after awhile of them sitting in silence. Shelby just smiled that goddamn pageant winning Texas golden girl smile.
“If you don’t try, then you already have.”
~~~
Plus One
Fatin was fucking terrified.
It all started with a phone call from Toni. Only two sentences, but Fatin felt like her life was ending for the second time.
“You have to come right now. It’s Leah.”
Because of fucking course Fatin had some curse on her where all her soulmates were in some kind of life threatening accident.
She knew Leah was still alive. Her tattoo had yet to change and Toni reassured her that the injuries weren’t fatal. Still, she yelled at Shelby to drive faster with tears streaming down her face. Leah was hit by a damn car, for fucks sake, and Fatin was not having it.
Fatin hadn’t even gotten the chance to talk to Leah in the few weeks since she confessed, respecting Leah’s request for space. Fatin felt like a damn idiot for not saying anything sooner. Her tattoo was still black, but Fatin felt like she lost another soulmate.
“Fatin, I love you, but if you don’t shut the fuck up I am leaving you on the side of the road and you can walk,” Shelby said after Fatin yelled at her for the tenth time. Shelby never swore, so Fatin shut her mouth and just tapped her fingers against her thigh.
Fatin sprinted into the hospital the second Shelby parked the car. Together, they found Toni who embraced Shelby as soon as she was close enough.
“She’s just through there.” Toni gestured to a nearby room. “She’s asleep right now. The doctors said she’s okay, but to only let in one visitor at a time so that she doesn’t get overwhelmed.”
Shelby nodded at Fatin. “You go first.”
“You sure?”
“Obvi,” Shelby mocked her friend. Fatin rolled her eyes, but slowly made her way to Leah’s room anyways. It’s funny, really. She was so desperate to get to Leah and now that she was there, she was hesitating. She forced herself to go inside and let the words Shelby had spoken to her weeks ago replay in her head.
“You’re allowed to be happy.”
Like Toni had said, Leah was asleep. She seemed okay besides a few nasty bruises and some cuts that were already stitched up. Still, Fatin took great care as she gently took Leah’s hand in her own.
Fatin wasn’t surprised to feel tears falling down her face while she sat in the seat next to Leah’s bed. Leah was okay. She had to remind herself multiple times since Leah was so eerily still and quiet.
Still, she felt a wave of relief when she felt Leah squeeze her hand back in the familiar rhythm of Dot’s symphony.
“Fuck, I thought I lost you.”
Leah’s eyes shot open. She let go of Fatin’s hand as she struggled to sit up.
“You,” was all Leah said. Fatin wiped the tears from her face.
“Yeah. Me.”
And Fatin saw it all. Saw the recognition in Leah’s eyes. Saw how it processed in Leah’s brain. The confusion. The realization. The relief. The anger. The hurt.
Fatin couldn’t do anything but wait.
Leah pulled down the front of her shirt where her newly shiny tattoo sat underneath her collarbone. Fatin never bothered to ask what it said or where it was, figuring it was none of her business and she'd find out eventually. She watched as Leah traced over the words with a new kind of wonderment.
“Let me see yours,” Leah demanded. Fatin wasn't in any place to object, so she pulled up her shirt to reveal her own shiny tattoo.
“I’m really sorry.”
“Holy shit, Fatin. Since the bathroom? Really? That was six months ago!” Fatin tried to steel herself. She didn't want to give Leah any other reasons to reject her as her soulmate. “Did you fake being nonverbal?”
“What? No, I really couldn't talk. At least for the first bit. Then it was just kinda awkward,” Fatin said. She could feel her face heating up in a blush and she hated her body for it's betrayal.
“You know, Toni told me that she had a conversation with you,” Leah said. Fatin had a feeling she knew where this conversation was going. “I was confused when she mentioned it was over the phone with no texts or notebooks being used. That’s when I started asking everyone else. They were all talking to you: Marty, Nora, even Rachel had heard your voice and I still hadn't. I thought: why not me?”
“I didn't mean for it to go this far,” Fatin tried to explain, “I wanted to tell you. I was just in so much shock. I didn't even know I had a second soulmate until you asked for a tampon. I never thought I’d see you again, but you kept showing up and I wasn’t exactly in the best state. Then you started talking about how you wanted the perfect soulmate and I really liked you, but I was far from perfect. I just wanted to be good enough for you.”
Silence. Fatin couldn't read Leah’s expression so she kept going.
“I know I’m not anywhere near perfect. I lied to you for months and I’m really sorry about that. I get it if you want me to leave.”
More silence. Fatin got the message so she tried to hold in her new batch of tears as she got up.
A hand on her wrist. Leah’s smile that reached her eyes.
“You like me?” Fatin laughed.
“Obvi, since before you and Rachel’s band even formed.”
“I’m still mad at you,” Leah said. Fatin nodded.
“I deserve it.”
“But right now, all I want is to kiss you.” Fatin was shocked at how straight forward Leah was, but quickly recovered.
“Well, I can't say no to someone who just got hit by a car.”
Leah laughed and Fatin grinned as she felt Leah’s smile on her lips. For the first time since Dot’s death, Fatin felt whole again.
As Fatin pulled away, she knew that Shelby was right. Leah wasn’t replacing Dot. She could never fill the Dot-sized hole in her heart. She did, however, make room for her to love in a new way.
And Fatin was happy with that.