Archive of Our Own

After he rang the doorbell, Jeongguk had the decency to wipe the snot running out of his nose with the sleeve of his sweater. It didn’t help much. He still looked like a wreck. He felt like a wreck. He barely stopped crying during the last few hours. He wasn’t sure why he thought this would fix that but… he needed it.

“Jeongguk-ah?” His ex blinked at him in surprise. “What are you doing here?”

He needed Yoongi.

“I-I-” Jeongguk took a shaky breath, trying to control his sobs. “I’m s-sorry. I-I j-just-” A whimper left his mouth, and he immediately tried to stifle it with his sleeve. God, he was so pathetic. “My b-boyfriend che-cheated on me and I-”

“Come on in,” Yoongi mumbled, stepping aside so Jeongguk could slip into the apartment. Trying to calm himself down, Jeongguk looked around. He had never been here before, only knew this address because he had dropped Yoongi off after a night out months ago.

The apartment was furnished in a minimalistic way but it still looked comfy instead of sterile. There were polaroids hanging on multiple walls, and a few cacti on the windowsill. The blue throw pillows on the sofa looked incredibly soft - as did the black cat lounging next to them. “Kitty,” Jeongguk gasped out, sliding out of his sneakers so he could make his way over to the cat. Carefully, he extended his hand, waiting until the cat bumped their forehead against it. “Oh, you’re so cute.”

Yoongi gently pushed Jeongguk to sit down on the sofa. “You get familiar with Haecho; I’ll get us something to drink, and then we can talk.”

It was probably strange how casually Yoongi acted about his ex just showing up at his door - and it wasn’t something that had ever happened before either. Sure, they had seen each other here and there because they had mutual friends. But they hadn’t really been alone with each other since their breakup four years ago. So yeah, maybe it was strange after all.

By the time Yoongi was placing a cup of water and a bottle of plum soju in front of him on the coffee table, Haecho had inched a little closer and was now leaning against Jeongguk’s thigh, purring loudly.

“You have a very nice place,” Jeongguk said as his ex sat down on the other end of the sofa, a glass of whiskey in his hands. “And your cat is the cutest. I don’t remember if you ever told us you got one.”

Yoongi nodded slowly. “Well, I don’t know if I told you personally…” Oh, right. Yeah, that made sense. Jeongguk tried his best to hold back another round of sobs. It was stupid. He didn’t even want to cry about this. Yoongi didn’t seem to know what to do about it either. “I’m sorry, I’m not sure why you came to see me tonight.”

“No, don’t be sorry, I’m sorry for just- I don’t have an explanation.” Jeongguk’s hand reached out to grab the cup of water before he decided to go with the soju bottle instead. Maybe a little alcohol would help. “I feel like shit. I needed to go somewhere and… I ended up here.”

Again, Yoongi nodded with furrowed eyebrows. “So… that little bastard cheated on you?”

Jeongguk forced a sad smile on his lips, masking the pain that shot through his chest just at the thought of it. “Yup. Didn’t even try to hide it or deny it.”

For years, all of Jeongguk’s boyfriends had been assholes. Liars, cheaters, men who didn’t respect him. He was well aware of it. He couldn’t say he dated them on purpose - he didn’t want to be hurt like this. He was just… desperate; desperate for any type of love he could receive.

He was sure Yoongi knew of this bad history of exes. Even if they didn’t talk, their friends did. Jeongguk knew of the people Yoongi had been with since their breakup and vice versa. But just as Jeongguk hadn’t felt it was his place to talk to Yoongi about the people he dated, Yoongi must’ve felt the same.

As he told Yoongi about how his ex had left his phone lying around, still unlocked with a chat open - a chat he was clearly having with someone else he was sleeping with - Yoongi’s face darkened. Sobs started to shake Jeongguk’s body again.

He felt miserable. He felt pathetic. He felt tired of falling in love with people who treated him like a piece of shit with no remorse. Why couldn’t he choose a good person for once? Why couldn’t he fall in love with someone who deserved his attention?

Maybe this was why he felt like he needed to come here tonight. Maybe his subconscious wanted to remind himself that once upon a time he did pick a good one. He picked Yoongi. Even though Yoongi had broken his heart like all the other guys, he never disrespected him, he never cheated or strung him along for the fun of it.

Over the years, Jeongguk’s friends had often asked whether he was sure that he was over Yoongi. He never quite knew how to answer. The concept of “getting over” someone you loved so deeply seemed foreign. Jeongguk had grieved the end of their relationship; he went through the five stages of grief and ended up at acceptance. The acceptance of losing a love that would always feel like a once in a lifetime experience. But accepting it was in the past wasn’t the same as being “over” it. At least not for Jeongguk.

“Oh, Jeonggukkie,” Yoongi said, his voice dripping with empathy. He had moved closer to Jeongguk and was now holding his face, wiping away his tears with his thumbs. “I wish I could just… punch everyone that’s ever broken your heart.”

Jeongguk couldn’t help but let out an airy laugh, not thinking that Yoongi was actually serious. “That includes you too, you know.”

“I know,” Yoongi replied lowly, his face serious. “I’d punch myself too if I could.”

There was an awkward silence as Jeongguk tried to figure out how to respond. He wanted to comfort Yoongi and tell him it was fine - but it wasn’t. Still, he shouldn’t beat himself up over it. It was in the past.

Yoongi pressed his lips together and then turned away to take a big sip from his whiskey glass. “I have something to confess.” He looked at Jeongguk questioningly, “if you’re in the headspace to hear me out, that is.”

Jeongguk couldn’t deny that his stomach dropped a little. He pulled his legs up on the sofa, hugging them close. What could Yoongi possibly want to confess? It couldn’t make his evening worse now could it? “Yeah, okay.”

“Do you remember why I broke up with you?”

It was a rhetorical question. Of course, Jeongguk remembered.

They met when Jeongguk was a freshman at college. He was young and doe-eyed, just starting to learn about the person he was. Yoongi was finishing his musical production degree, the cool older guy that some of Jeongguk’s friends hung out with. They fell in love slowly and steadily. It wasn’t the exciting and thrilling romance that Jeongguk thought he’d have in college but it ended up being so much better. Jeongguk’s and Yoongi’s souls fit together like puzzle pieces. They completed each other. They were together for five years when Yoongi started isolating himself more and more - until he let the cat out of the bag.

“You realized you’re aromantic,” Jeongguk said softly, making sure Yoongi noticed he wasn’t saying the words with anger. He was never angry at Yoongi for coming out. “And you realized you didn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore.” That bit stung a little more, though Jeongguk could understand it.

Yoongi took a deep breath and nodded. “Yeah, I… I don’t want to say that I lied because it’s definitely what I thought was the case, but it’s not the truth.”

After a pause, Jeongguk cocked his head. “You’re not aromantic?”

“I am.” Yoongi clenched his hands into fists and stared down at them. “Before we broke up, I was in a bad place. You know, I struggled with my OCD and ADHD, but at that moment in time I slipped into a depressive episode. I was stressed from work, I was realizing some stuff about my romantic attraction and I just felt so… unlovable.” He peeked up at Jeongguk, before dropping his gaze again. “And it wasn’t because of you, you were amazing. I just spiraled so bad that every nice thing you did felt fake, and I didn’t know how to communicate it without hurting you. I hated my life, I hated my job, and I loved you. But I told myself you secretly hated me. So when the pieces started to fit together, and I realized I was aromantic…”

“You used it as an excuse,” Jeongguk whispered.

Pulling his eyebrows together, Yoongi shrugged. “My brain was full of internalized aphobia. I told myself I was an awful person for wanting love when I couldn’t even feel it properly. I spun all of these toxic thoughts in my head until I came to the conclusion that you and I were doomed. I pushed you away, I broke up with you. Just to prove to myself that I was unlovable after all.”

“Hyung.” Jeongguk’s voice broke, tears welling up in his eyes again. He didn’t know how he hadn’t seen it back then. Yoongi was in agony, was punishing himself in his mind over and over and… he just didn’t know? He felt awful. “You’re not unlovable.”

“I believe that now,” Yoongi replied quietly, still not looking at Jeongguk. “I went back to therapy, worked through my internalized aphobia. I found out I do actually like being in relationships and I’ve tried to have some but…”

He finally looked up, and when their eyes met, Jeongguk knew that Yoongi felt that same grief and yearning that he was carrying around with him every day.

“No one is like me?” he asked, hope blooming in his chest. Learning that Yoongi was interested in romantic relationships after all shouldn’t change much but suddenly Jeongguk couldn’t help but think differently about the people Yoongi was seeing after him.

Yoongi gave him a small smile. “No one could ever be like you, my little prince.”

Jeongguk stared, his heart beating so fast he could feel it in his ears. He opened his mouth to say something, anything, when he got distracted by Yoongi’s cat, Haecho, climbing into his lap. Giggling, he scratched Haecho’s ear put his feet on the floor again so that he could properly settle on his thighs. Then he glanced at his ex. “Hyung, I think… we might wanna be a little careful with what we say next. Some things might be easy to say but difficult to take back.”

“And if I don’t wanna take anything back? I miss talking to you every day,” Yoongi said quietly. “I miss holding you, I miss…”

There was probably something Jeongguk was supposed to say to keep this neutral. Something like ‘It’s been years, you should move on’. But that wasn’t neutral, was it? And it wasn’t what Jeongguk wanted to say. “Yeah, me too,” he said instead. “But…”

Yoongi scooted a little closer, acting as if he just wanted to pet Haecho as well. “But what?” Their knees were touching now.

“Hyung, I just broke up with my boyfriend. I keep setting myself up for heartbreak and I-” He huffed and pressed his lips together. He couldn’t tell whether he was self-sabotaging or protecting himself right now. “I barely survived our breakup. I don’t know what I would do if you- if we fuck this up again.”

He could see Yoongi wince a little. He hadn’t covered his slip up well enough. He hadn’t meant it to come across as if… well, maybe he had. Yoongi was the one who fucked up last time. Jeongguk understood why or how it happened - he could say now that Yoongi was helpless against his inner demons but…

“I won’t lie, I’m not perfect,” Yoongi said, his fingers scratching under Haecho’s chin. “I’m bound to make mistakes again, so the only thing I will promise you is that I will continue to learn from my fuck ups and actually communicate with you. I wasn’t a kid back then but I was younger. I’ve grown.”

Jeongguk nodded. “You don’t need to convince me of all that.”

“Because you don’t wanna give us another chance anyway?” Yoongi’s voice was quiet, and Jeongguk hated the way it twisted the knife in his heart. He sounded so defeated.

“No, hyung,” Jeongguk whispered and reached out to let his hand cup Yoongi’s face. It felt so much softer in his palm than it had when they were still together. “Do you really think I could say no to you? Do you not know what you do to me?”

Yoongi swallowed, nuzzling into his hand. “I can guess.”

Sighing, Jeongguk let his thumb trace Yoongi’s cheekbone. “I’ve changed too. I might have different standards now, different things that set me off. But… I’m willing to give this another try.” He laughed quietly to himself. “I should probably work on getting a therapist, too, though.”

There was a pause as Yoongi nodded and seemingly waited for Jeongguk to do anything else, retract his hand even. Then he leaned in closer. “May I kiss you, my prince?”

Jeongguk bit his lip, subtly shaking his head. “You are so… so…” Not finding the words to describe Yoongi or the way he made him feel, Jeongguk simply pulled him in. Their lips found each other like they had many times before. This wasn’t a first kiss, it was the reunion of two lost souls who had been yearning to connect again; a homecoming.

There was a loud rustle as Jeongguk tried to juggle his backpack falling off his arm, holding grocery bags and typing in the code to Yoongi’s apartment at the same time. As he pushed the door open, he took off Bam’s collar and ushered his dog inside. It was quiet in the apartment as they entered. Jeongguk figured Yoongi was probably taking a nap since he wasn’t sitting at his desk.

“Alright, let’s be quiet,” he said to Bam and closed the door behind him. “And be nice to Haecho.” Bam, of course, didn’t reply and instead went on his little round of inspecting the apartment. Haecho was sitting on top of his cat tower, watching him passively. They got along well usually since Bam had a lot of respect for Haecho, but sometimes they chased each other around the apartment which always got pretty loud - so Jeongguk didn’t need a round of that to start right now while Yoongi was asleep.

He unpacked the groceries as quietly as he could. These days he spent more time at Yoongi’s apartment than his own, but that was perfectly fine with him. Even Bam had his own bed here now.

The plan had been to take things slow. But just like a kid rolling down a hill, they hadn’t been able to control the speed once they started. The only thing they could do was keep communicating about how the pace of their relationship was making them feel.

It was hard sometimes to actually voice his feelings and to work through conflicts together, but every time Jeongguk reminded himself that being without Yoongi felt worse.

“Bam,” Jeongguk whispered, trying to keep his voice stern even when talking quietly. “Bed.” The dog looked at him with a wagging tail for a moment, before obeying and trotting over to his bed, laying down without a fuss. “Good boy.”

Peeking into Yoongi’s bedroom, he smiled. Even when they weren’t sharing a bed, his boyfriend slept curled up at the edge of the mattress as if leaving space for him anyway.

Well, Jeongguk wasn’t going to deny an invitation like that.

Carefully, he slipped under the blankets behind Yoongi and wrapped his arms around his middle. When Yoongi seemed to stir, he pressed a soft kiss to his neck and then his cheek. “Wakey, wakey, my sweet hyung.”

Yoongi made a sound that was a mixture of a groan and a hum, turning onto his back so he could look at Jeongguk. “You home early or did I sleep that long?”

Laughing, Jeongguk gave a half shrug. “I left work early, but then I got us some groceries so…” He tried not to focus on the moments in which this apartment felt more like theirs rather than Yoongi’s. As much as it felt right, he was a little nervous to really think about it.

“Mkay.” With another hum, Yoongi stretched his limbs — looking not unlike Haecho after a nap. Then he reached out to cup the back of Jeongguk’s hand with one hand, and pulled him down for a kiss. Lazily they moved their lips against each other until Jeongguk pulled away with a laugh.

He pressed a peck to Yoongi’s nose. “Come on, let’s make dinner, sleepyhead.”