Work Text:
✦
Five hours after world future star Tsukasa Tenma breaks up with one Rui Kamishiro, Rui lays on his couch, miserable.
In all honesty, Rui doesn’t know what he was expecting. There is an ache in his chest and a burning at the back of his throat, and loneliness gnaws at his whole being, familiar. Under unmade sheets and tucked away from the world, Rui is alone again. Destined to be an outcast, he thinks, and his head is full of cotton, water in his lungs.
His room is dark but for the dim light of glow-in-the-dark stars, plastered on his ceiling. The air around him feels like it’s pressing down on his lungs. The room feels full of nothing, something heavy and horrible hanging in the air. Logically, this was inevitable, but misery blooms in his chest like a flower, thorns wrapping around his heart and squeezing; it embraces him like an old, old friend.
Rui stares up at the stupid glowing stars, standing out in the dark, and knows that Tsukasa was never going to be happy with him, not really.
Rui is not particularly talented, or special, and really, not very needed. Rui is weird, and dangerous, and horrible. He deserves this. He deserves this feeling, burning through his blood, and growing in his chest. And still, Rui is selfish .
Although he’s nothing but poison on the star’s life, although Rui can do nothing but weigh the people around him down, although he will inevitably be left, although he’ll ruin this just like how he’s ruined everything else in his life; Rui wants Tsukasa.
He really hasn’t changed at all since middle school, has he?
The same selfish, detestable person he always was. How can he claim to be misfortunate when everything that’s happened to him has been a product of his own doing? How pitiful, to bemoan his miserable life when it surely is something akin to divine intervention, striking him down for his misdeeds. Even though Rui knows this– knows it intimately– He cannot help but want .
What a pitiable existence.
He doesn’t want to think anymore. Raising a clammy hand to his hair, he twists his shaking fingers and tugs, hard enough to hurt. Good. He thinks. Focus on that. Focus on the pain, because you deserve it. You deserve to feel this way, and it doesn’t even matter because nobody wants you anymore — He pulls at his hair again, squeezing his burning eyes shut and breathing out sharply.
He revels in the pain. He’s never wanted so badly before. He wants to open himself up, to present his beating heart to Tsukasa, if only to prove that he can still be worth something. He wants to tear from himself everything that’s so wrong about him— He’d let Tsukasa rummage through his whole being, to just rip out the part that’s so awful.
How morbid. He’s still that same creep, that dangerous freak; destined to hurt someone.
He tugs at his hair again.
It’s not helping anymore. He digs his nails into the flesh of his palm and stares up at the stupid, stupid stars on his ceiling.
He’s not sure how long he sits there, the world hazy and empty around him, his room dark and alien. Blood is dripping down his arm, down from little crescent cuts, the same shape as his too-long nails. At some point, he notices as his phone buzzes next to him for the umpteenth time, and he struggles to get up and read it.
Bleary eyes adjusting to the brightness of his screen, he blinks down at the text.
-
nene (*´∀｀*)
(17:23)
nene (*´∀｀*): hey
nene (*´∀｀*): tsukasa just called me
nene (*´∀｀*): and he told me what happened
nene (*´∀｀*): do you want me to come over
nene (*´∀｀*): or you can come over here?
nene (*´∀｀*): theres a ton of mint choco ice cream in the freezer still
nene (*´∀｀*): because ik ur a heathen
(17:31)
nene (*´∀｀*): rui
(17:35)
Incoming call from nene (*´∀｀*)
-
“Nene,” Rui greets, and his voice is hoarse. He’s not sure if it sounds as broken and ugly to Nene as it does to him, but he hates it, he hates it, he hates it —
“ You sound horrible, ” Nene’s voice sounds, muffled through the phone, as playfully mean as she always is. Something in Rui’s chest burns, raw with hurt. The call goes silent but for the background noise, for a moment.
Nene realizes, and rushes to reassure him. “ Sorry, sorry… !” She apologizes hurriedly, but probably she thinks otherwise, even if she’s too nice to really say so. Nene hates him too, thinks he’s a freak just like everyone does, just like Tsukasa hates him and—
Ah.
He really is a despicable person, thinking so horribly about Nene like this. Nene is too nice to hate him, even if she should. Even if he deserves to be despised and outcasted and alone, Nene isn’t to blame at all.
“ How are you? ” Nene’s voice, crackling with static, cuts through the fog of self-hatred washing over him. Just as Rui opens his mouth to try and come up with some lie, she speaks again. “ Sorry, stupid question. ”
“I’m… alright,” Rui says anyway, trying to muster up the will to get up and rinse the blood that’s run down his arm from his palm.
Nene is silent for a moment. Rui can feel her eyes roll through the call and feels fond enough to manage an amused huff before he remembers to feel miserable. “ I’m coming over, ” Nene tells him, and it’s not a question anymore. “ And I’m bringing your stupid toothpaste ice cream. ”
“Alright.” His eyes trace the blood dripping down his forearm in sluggish rivulets, a burning at the back of his throat. It’s as if someone has overstuffed his skull full of cotton, and now it’s bursting at the seams. There is the quiet sound of shuffling, footsteps, and ruffling fabric over the phone call– Nene getting up to waste her comfort on him. But otherwise, silence has stretched over the phone call, hair-raising in its uneasiness. Silence leaves him to stew in his own pathetic pit of self pity, so he opens his mouth to speak– to break the disquietude that’s settled over him. He tries to get out words normally, but any thoughts he could hope to say die on his tongue, far before they even begin to dispel the dreadful quiet.
Rui doesn’t know why, but in the end, all he can get out is: “What’s wrong with me, Nene?”
And there is the quiet sound of computer fans over the phone for a moment.
“Why doesn’t he want me anymore?” He asks, and wonders distantly if he sounds as pathetic as he feels.
“ I’ll be there in five minutes, ” Nene says instead of answering. The line goes dead.
The next few minutes are a bit of a blur, but he ends up with his face buried in Nene’s shoulder, his dear friend’s hand wrapped around his, and a spoon of mint chocolate ice cream in his mouth. “Tsukasa,” he manages, but his heart seems to catch in his throat when he tries to continue, tongue going limp in his mouth.
Nene does not press for the rest of his sentence. She just pats his head, and says, “I know, Rui.”
☆彡
Rui and Tsukasa getting together had been the kind of thing that seemed inevitable.
Tenma and Kamishiro, those two troublemakers who blew up school walls and did crazy stunts. The crazy genius and the boy that always talked too loud in the hallways. Rui and Tsukasa, star actor and dear director.
The day they got together, it was nothing so grand.
There wasn’t ever really a big shift, not like in novels or plays where the protagonist proclaims their love, where the prince slays the villain and asks for the princess’s hand in marriage. Not for Rui, at least.
They had been on the roof, eating lunch, and as Rui picked at his lunch, avoiding the vegetables, Tsukasa shouted out plot ideas. And Rui had paused in his idle prodding at his food, looked up at him, and thought: I love you. And clutching at his chest, something bigger than the sky swirling in him, Rui realized that the burning warmth— the want , deep in his heart— was something akin to love.
Somehow, he didn’t mind.
Where familiar loneliness should’ve been in his chest, there was only warmth, tender and far kinder than he’d thought himself capable of. Even more surprisingly absent had been his fear of abandonment. When Rui giggled and said something self-deprecating, Tsukasa reassured him, and Rui was… inclined to believe him. With each day that passed, Rui couldn’t help but think that maybe, just maybe… it was all going to be alright. Maybe he did belong there, in that troupe, at Tsukasa’s side.
On stage, Tsukasa was mesmerizing, glimmering even against any colorful backdrop. Movements precise and lines perfected, Tsukasa seemed to make something in Rui turn to mush. If Tsukasa’s goal was to bring a smile to the faces of the audience, then in Rui’s case, he’d already far surpassed it.
And yet, there was something even more magical about Tsukasa off stage. Even in his uniform, Tsukasa was eye-catching, as if under the spotlight even then. Something in Rui’s blood had hummed seeing the boy glitter so brightly like that, just eating lunch on the roof. It was something private and perfect— a performance in which Rui was the only spectator.
Tsukasa‘s hair was bright in the sunlight, and he was gold and glittering starkly against the boring setting of the school roof. Rui remembers intimately the way he’d glowed, like amber catching firelight. His honey eyes were bright— not with sunlight, but something else. Something like determination.
“One day, I’ll be the brightest star yet!” Tsukasa shouted, so bright. I love you , Rui had thought again, damning, as if Tsukasa would’ve heard if he only thought hard enough. Rui doesn’t think he could’ve taken his eyes off of the other boy if he’d tried.
Tsukasa made a grand flourish, grin wide and persevering, as if he had not screamed at the top of his lungs at the fake bug Rui had snuck onto his shoulder just a few minutes before.
Tsukasa had been something beautiful. Incredible. That warmth, crawling up Rui’s chest was love, plainly. Like one of his robots, if someone took him apart and took his beating heart in their hand, they’d find Tsukasa’s name written into it. Being in Tsukasa’s company felt like something… miraculous. Serendipitous.
“Bright enough to rival the sun!” He had yelled to the world, as if daring it to deny him.
“How could you?” Rui tilted his head, smile catlike on his face. “I think you already shine far brighter, Tsukasa-kun.” The words came unbidden, but Rui wasn’t particularly inclined to take them back anyway.
“Ah?” Tsukasa’s confident pose shifted, raising an accusatory finger to point at Rui’s smug face. “You’re always teasing, Rui!” He’d shouted, and Rui’s eyes were drawn to the pink flushing across his face, dusted across his cheeks.
“Teasing?” Rui pouted, pressing a hand to his chest in faux offense. “I’m offended you’d accuse me of such a thing, Tsukasa-kun! How can my words be considered teasing when I speak only the truth?” He sighed over dramatically, furrowing his brows in an approximation of aggrievement.
Tsukasa hid his blushing cheeks with a hand, accusatory stance softening slightly. “How can you just say things like that?” He demanded, flustered.
Oh . Rui thought stupidly, and the warmth in his chest was spreading— spreading past his Cheshire grin and up to the tips of his ears. He smiled up at the star, lunch lying long forgotten. He was hesitant to commit in that moment, staring into amber eyes, alight with embarrassment. To say the full force of his feelings? That would really make them seem real, no? And Rui had loved him too much to sink everything into it just to get abandoned.
He hadn’t been sure if he could put his feelings for Tsukasa into words, even if he wanted to, anyway. Tsukasa was the morning breeze, was the flush high in his cheeks, was the overwhelming fondness swelling in his heart.
Rui wasn’t sure if it was for fear of abandonment or just inability to explain the full force of that feeling, overwhelming and all-encompassing, but he couldn’t get the words out, not in the way he was thinking them.
So, he just settled for, “Because I like you, of course.” The admission was far softer than his teasing words, voice gentle and earnest.
And it had been enough.
Tsukasa’s cheeks flushed, and he smiled so brightly that Rui was blinded by the light.
“I like you too.”
He was undeserving, unworthy of someone like that. Rui could never have the amount of talent Tsukasa has in his pinky, let alone be his equal. Rui was poison, and shouldn’t he have felt horrible sinking his roots into the other boy— shouldn’t he have felt horrible for tainting something so wonderful? Tsukasa was someone unattainable; He was the sun, high in the sky. To hoard that brightness to himself, clinging too close, wasn’t it a little selfish?
Well…
Rui’d never claimed to be an entirely altruistic person.
I love you, Rui thought for the third time, a feeling bigger than words burning in his chest, and that was that.
☆ ☆ ☆
The day after Tsukasa broke up with him, Nene forces Rui up and out of his puddle of self-loathing. She shoves a folded-up bundle of clothes at him and says, “Shower.” Then narrows her eyes at him when he hesitates in the comfortingly familiar way that only she can manage. Rui smiles and thanks her like he didn’t spend last night sobbing into her shoulder, like his eyes aren’t puffy and swollen, like the life he’d carved out for himself isn’t currently crumbling around him.
Rui showers, and as he sits under the warm water, beating down on his slumped shoulders, he squeezes his eyes shut and tries not to think about it.
But alone, he can only think, What am I going to do now? He turns up the water and tries to focus on the sting as it beads onto him, too hot. He doesn’t want to think about it. He wishes, at least, that he could’ve stayed lonely forever, rather than feel as if someone has reached into his chest and torn something vital out of it. Alas, that one mercy is nothing he deserves. Rui supposes this must be some kind of karmic retribution— some act of punishment for his selfishness.
He ends up standing there much longer than necessary, staring blankly at the wall, gaze tracing over the grout between the shower tiles. At least, when he finds Nene in his kitchen, cereal on the counter waiting for him, she doesn’t seem to mind.
“Eat,” she demands, and Rui isn’t sure if he should be grateful she cares so much or disgusted with himself that she has to do this for him.
Something must show on his face, because Nene raises her eyebrows at him, unimpressed. “Don’t say you didn’t need me to do this, because we both know if I didn’t, you definitely wouldn’t.”
Rui tries to object, floundering for something in character. Something he’d normally say. But he can only falter and shrug. He doesn’t deserve this in the first place, and the part of him that wants to object just makes him feel like he’s ungrateful. What a disgusting person. To need Nene’s help and even then think of rejecting it.
So, mechanically, he sits down and shovels cereal into his mouth; It tastes like ash on his tongue.
Nene’s insistence that he care for himself tragically reminds him of Tsukasa, as it seems most things do now. Nene pours herself her own bowl of cereal, still eyeing him, not trusting that he’ll eat it all; But all Rui can see is Tsukasa, hiding vegetables in soup and calling him to remind him to sleep in the middle of a big project.
But now, he’ll never do that again.
The thought makes Rui’s stomach clench, and he feels even less hungry than before.
Before he can pursue that train of thought, Nene speaks.
“Do you know why he…?” She trails off, breaking the long stretch of silence that’s settled between them. She doesn’t need to elaborate, or continue. He knows anyway. Right now, there’s only one he that Rui could possibly be thinking about. He winces, idly stirring at his cereal as it goes soggy, and does not meet her eyes.
“Isn’t it obvious?” He smiles blandly into the bowl of what is quickly turning into mush, grip on his spoon a little bit too tight. “He finally realized we were an ill-fated match, after all, and broke it off. I only wish I hadn’t weighed him down for so long in the first place.” He shrugs with one shoulder, half-hearted, as if he doesn’t care.
As if Nene hadn’t watched him quietly break into his own hands the night before, like one of his inventions, malfunctioning. As if he hadn’t let his guard down for once and let Tsukasa wrap himself around every inch of his heart.
Nene frowns, reaches over, and pinches his hand. “Rui, don’t get all self-deprecating on me.” She grumbles, as if she’s complaining, but Rui knows that look of worry in lilac eyes. “Did he even tell you why?” She furrows her brow.
Rui rubs at the spot where she’d pinched him, but he’s glad for the sting, if only for the distraction from his spiral. “He didn’t have to.” He shrugs again, because that’s all he can do, like a software program caught up in an endless loop— just bad code that keeps repeating.
Nene scrunches her nose doubtfully. “Are you sure you shouldn’t… Y’know… Talk to him? Obviously, you don’t have to if you don’t want to, but… you know.” She finishes lamely, gesturing vaguely.
Rui stares down at his bowl. Something in his stomach is sour, and he doesn’t want to talk about Tsukasa’s belated realization of how worthless he is. “Can we not talk about this?” he asks, earnest. He tries for a smile and hopes it doesn’t look nearly as fragile as it feels.
Nene sighs, but doesn’t make a comment or push any further. Still giving him that horrible, pitying look, she tells him about her own, significantly less worthless life. Rui listens to her, and tries to force himself to stop thinking.
She tells him about her and Emu’s plans for the summer holiday, about a new cafe that just opened that they want to try together, about silly antics and plans for the future alike.
Rui smiles flimsily, happy for his two dear friends.
Really, as he stares down at his cereal, artificial coloring seeping into the milk, he can only think about Tsukasa– all the plans he’d built around the idea of a life with the star slipping through his fingers like sand.
★
The first time they kissed, Rui’s head had swum with sweet contentment, Tsukasa’s touch burning hot and gentle against his skin; And he had thought, how fascinating.
Tsukasa had stepped away before Rui really understood what was happening in the first place, leaning after him to chase the feeling. Afterwards, Rui had been far too flustered to tease about Tsukasa’s embarrassment, and Tsukasa had been far too flustered to be shocked about Rui’s. It was a warm day out, and Rui felt like he was overheating. Like a machine, buffering and on the brink of overload.
(Usually, when they did that, they exploded after.
It was an apt descriptor– Rui had felt as if he might explode any second.)
Rui had imagined plenty of different first kisses: in a grand, dramatic way, as if in a story; part of a show, just a part to play; a curious kiss shared over lunch, pondered over and chickened out of.
Rui had always pictured that his first kiss– if it were to ever happen– would be a moment stolen from someone else’s life. His first kiss would be an accident, or a cruel prank– something to satiate curiosity and quickly regretted afterwards. He’d be kissed, and then the other person would realize inevitably, eventually that it was all a mistake. Rui’s first kiss would be something wrong, something like a moment of weakness.
But, shakily raising his hand to his lips, face hot; Rui had not seen a trace of regret on Tsukasa’s face.
And wow, he had thought to himself, feeling like any thought in his head had long evaporated, how fascinating.
Rui probably should’ve said something, then– something like Oh my, Tsukasa-kun, how forward! Or maybe please stop we can’t do this I love you too much to ruin you the way I know I will.
But he didn’t, enraptured by the warmth flooding his whole being.
His face was aflame, probably bright red, and it felt like his brain had melted out of his skull. He spat out several stuttered fragments of speech but found none of them coherent. It was like all of the folds in his brain had been smoothed out with cotton candy. Rui was unable to form thoughts, let alone any kind of valuable input.
And then Nene scowled and said something along the lines of them being gross and to go back to cleaning the set, and the moment was over. Emu giggled and cheered something, but Rui could hardly hear her either over the sound of his pounding heart. Tsukasa was still flushed, babbling something. Rui smiled at him, probably lopsided.
“May we… do it again?” He’d probably cut off whatever flustered rambling Tsukasa was going on about. (To Nene’s chagrin, which he’d barely been able to register.) He hadn’t really been able to tell, actually; The world seemed to have narrowed down to him and Tsukasa, the two of them holding various props and just a little too close. Rui’s focus had honed in, like a spotlight. The world was dim and non-existent around them.
And just like always, Tsukasa shone bright, center stage. And Rui could not take his eyes off of the lead actor of this little performance.
“Rui,” Tsukasa had said in lieu of answering, and he was flushed, pink dusted over his nose and grin something shy and little on his face. “You’re beautiful.”
For a moment, then– eyes glossed over with tears and adoration– Rui had believed him.
☆ ☆ ☆
A few years ago, Rui had been fourteen and too smart and too stupid for his own good. He’d spend his nights up late working and he’d spend his days alone. He’d wonder what was so utterly different about him to everyone else as if he wasn’t the one who ruined his social life in the first place.
Rui had been fourteen years old, and a coward.
Somehow, he’d gotten the idea into his head that one day someone would talk to him first and become his friend. Somehow, he’d tricked himself into thinking he deserved something like that.
On the bad days, he’d lay in bed, staring up at his ceiling wondering if he was going to die there, holed up in his room.
On the worse days, he had laid awake, eyes still closed, and hoped he would.
He’d hoped that when bugs came to finish the last of him, that they’d tear into him. He’d hoped that they’d take him apart, like a toy broken down. And maybe then, with his heart scraped out of his chest, after he’d become as gutted as he’d felt, all of those wrong parts inside of him– all of those things that deemed him as something so horribly different– would finally be gone.
Maybe that imaginary friend would appear the way he’d hoped, and he would finally be normal. Here , he might say, holding out the scrap that was supposed to be his heart, hands bloodied and smile friendly. For you.
What a silly thought , he’d thought at the time, up on the rooftop of the school filled with people who didn’t like him.
It had been a bad day. He’d spent lunchtime retrieving one of his notebooks– full of months worth of work– from a fountain, and by the time he’d gotten to it, it was already sopping wet, ink bleeding through its pages.
It had been a horrible mess of ink and paper, soggy and sad. And he’d held it all the way up to the rooftop, ink dripping between his fingers. Pooling under his nails and tracing winding paths past old scars and funnily patterned band aids. Ink had dripped down his palms, little rivulets finding their way to the ground, soaking into his shoes and beading on the floor.
Watching the fountain water creep beneath the soles of his shoes, marbled black with ink like blood, Rui had thought, quietly, Would anyone even notice if I were to…?
His eyes had drifted past the rooftop, past the railing, up to the sky above, and he’d let the soaked-through thing that used to be precious drop to the floor with a sad, wet plop .
His notebook had laid in the pool of its own ink, and something at the edge of his brain was telling him to pick it up, but he had only vaguely noticed the notebook was there at all anymore. The world hadn’t felt quite right around him– too blurry, too faraway. And the feet that couldn’t be his took a step, then another, and another. Until he was at the edge of that roof, ink-stained hand resting on the cold, cold metal railing. The frost had bitten into his fingers, dyed black with ink and frigidity made worse by the cool almost-winter air.
Slowly, deliberately, he’d hoisted himself up, sitting on that metal rail. And he’d stared at the neighborhood below, at that sea of roofs full of people who would not care. Nobody would’ve cared, then, if Rui had thrown himself from the school roof, that day.
Nobody would have even looked up to see him fall, exploding down to Earth like a jelly donut without so much as an “oh.”
Rui had dangled his ink-stained shoes over that ledge, had known that should he fall it would be the end. And– with his heartbeat pounding in his ears, his palms had gone clammy with sweat, his breaths coming quick and shallow–
And he’d been afraid.
He’d jolted out of that strange, far-away state with a shake of his head.
And as he scrambled back onto the roof, back to safety, back to the ink-soaked dreams laying ruined on the ground, he’d been afraid.
Maybe tomorrow , he’d thought, as he fled from the roof that day.
Because in the end– Although Rui had a myriad of glaring flaws, the worst one was most assuredly his cowardice.
✭
The first time Tsukasa said I love you, Rui hadn’t been brave enough to say it back.
Rui had been sixteen years old and he had still been a coward.
They’d been sitting on Tsukasa’s couch, slotted together like puzzle pieces. Cheek against his shoulder, Rui hadn’t been paying attention, his eyes on the animated movie they were watching. He was jotting down ideas for their next show, focused on the inspiration before it could leave him. He hummed, interested, at a line that a character said, pen scratching against the pages of his little notebook as he wrote down idea after idea.
Pausing momentarily to pop a soda candy into his mouth, he hadn’t even felt Tsukasa’s gaze across his skin.
He’d just felt Tsukasa shift, and then say to him, like a confession, “I love you.”
Rui had choked on his candy, face suddenly hot. He coughed, unable to respond, though he’s not sure what he would’ve said if he could. It was incomprehensible, inconceivable. Rui hadn’t imagined someone might love him, not since hand-shaped bruises and giggling behind his back and notebooks thrown into water fountains. And for that someone to be Tsukasa– the brightest star he’d ever met– he was nearly torn between contentment and guilt for tricking him into thinking he was anything less than detestable.
Tsukasa began to pat Rui’s back as he coughed, alarmed and equally flustered. His eyes had been wide, as if he was surprised at his own words.
“A-ah?! Rui?! Is it too soon?!” Tsukasa sputtered, having lost whatever courage that’d emboldened him into saying it in the first place.
Rui was struck with an overwhelming sense of fondness mixed with a sense of dread into a horrible slurry, swirling in his chest. That only made him guiltier, because what kind of person felt dread hearing their partner profess their love? What kind of person, other than Rui, the coward?
Something felt distinctly wrong as Rui forced out of his mouth, “Of course not, Tsukasa-kun! I also care for you quite deeply!” It was true, but that feeling of wrongness hung over him like a storm cloud.
“...Eh? Rui, it’s okay if it’s too soon for me to say that.” Rui didn’t want Tsukasa to stop loving him; But, selfishly, he’d almost wished Tsukasa hadn’t said it at all. (Because if Tsukasa loved Rui then, how long would it be until that changed?)
He tried to swallow down that unnameable feeling in his chest.
“No, Tsukasa-kun, I also…” Though it certainly wouldn’t be a lie, Rui couldn’t manage to say it back. His heart was in his throat, and it seemed to be blocking the words from spilling forth in the way he intended. Rui loved Tsukasa, more than he’d thought himself capable. He knew it down to his beating heart, overstuffed and bursting at the seams.
But Rui’d never truly outgrown his cowardice.
Eyes wide and hands clammy, he was distantly aware of his grip on the little notebook tightening.
And just like that day on the roof, Rui had been a coward.
And that was horrible, wasn’t it? He was horrible. Tsukasa deserved someone who’d love him, unconditionally, in the way he deserved– in the unconditional way he loved everyone around him. Not a coward, like Rui. Not someone who thought how fascinating upon being kissed, as if Tsukasa was a specimen pinned to a corkboard. Not someone who felt mostly dread at the idea of being loved.
“I..” Rui tried again, words turned to ash on his tongue. What kind of person is too afraid to give their heart away as if they’ve not yet offered up those broken, bloody pieces? What kind of person can’t trust their partner enough to believe in something so simple?
What kind of person hears I love you , and wonders how much longer it’ll be true for?
Something had shone in Tsukasa’s eyes. Rui wasn’t sure what it was. Understanding? Apprehension? Rui was going to ruin this relationship. Was going to sink his roots into the other boy and poison him. Was going to ruin Tsukasa himself, just like he’d ruined everything else in his life.
Then, Tsukasa had grabbed his hands, smiling so wide that his eyes scrunched shut. That feeling brewing in Rui’s stomach hadn’t disappeared, but it eased.
“Not to worry, Rui! If you are unable to say it now, I’ll say it enough for the both of us until you’re ready! It’s not too much trouble for a star such as myself!!” He practically shouted, with a dramatic pose to accompany the bold declaration.
He’d let himself pretend to be assured at that, let himself grow complacent at the idea that Tsukasa’s love would be assured until he was able to speak his feelings aloud.
Rui had let the corners of his lips twitch into a little smile, softer and more private than his usual smile ever was. Ah , he’d squeezed Tsukasa’s hands, trying to cling to the naive promise that it would all be alright. I’ve given away more of myself than I ever thought I would. And wondered whether that was a good thing or not.
His heart had squeezed in his chest, the childish voices of the animated film having long faded into background noise— droning on though neither boy was listening. Rui had wanted, more than anything, for Tsukasa to be able to know just how much he loved him. Staring into those butterscotch eyes, he’d wished Tsukasa could just see inside of him and know that the truth— engraved somewhere in his heart— was that Rui loved him.
Rui could’ve said several things then, could’ve said You should just go , or I’m sorry, or maybe even, I love you.
But Rui had only smiled. Smiled and sincerely said, “...Thank you, Tsukasa-kun,” and hadn’t even thought to wonder if Tsukasa even really meant that promise or not.
☆ ☆ ☆
Rui wastes away in his too-empty house that is too-full of Tsukasa’s lingering touch and wonders what he’s here for.
He ignores concerned messages and attends class robotically and pretends that he hasn’t noticed the fact that he’s very intentionally not seen a trace of Tsukasa. It’s on purpose. Rui wonders what made him realize what kind of person he is. He wonders how Tsukasa finally realized that he didn’t love Rui that much, after all.
He doesn’t attend practice– If there is any practice, still– And hates himself for it. Wonderlands x Showtime isn’t just him, he reminds himself. But he knows that he is too selfish to even attempt to show his face there.
They’re probably doing fine , he muses to himself, eating lunch alone in a bathroom stall. He’d only been weighing them down, anyways. His ideas are too elaborate. Too weird. Too dangerous . Now, at least, they won’t be burdened by his insistence on mechanics, or his mediocre voice and acting, or his stunts which are just so dangerous, and don’t you care at all, Rui? Don’t you care that your freaky, messed up ideas could get someone killed?
He pinches himself, silent and alone in that bathroom, too afraid to even attempt eating on the roof. He’s a coward. He hadn’t been able to change. He wouldn’t ever be.
It’s almost like he’s back in junior high, he thinks distantly, but this time he’s not picking someone else’s lunch out of his hair.
He stares at the writing on the stall wall and quietly waits for class to start.
✭
They’d been talking about something or other, on a languid little stroll to practice. Rui had been watching with rapt attention as Tsukasa posed and gestured flamboyantly, when Tsukasa’s gaze had slid behind him, evidently distracted.
“Sorry to interrupt, Rui! I’ve got to speak with Toya for a second! Go ahead without me!” He’d shouted over his shoulder, rushing over to Aoyagi and that Shinonome guy who was always glaring at them. Rui didn’t go ahead, opting to wait for his boyfriend to finish his conversation, and tried not to feel like he was intruding. The back of his neck felt hot, and standing awkwardly by himself, he pulled out his phone and swiped idly, trying not to look completely out of place. He felt all wrong, chest tight.
Was he blocking the hallway? Should he go ahead after all? What if he did go ahead and Tsukasa didn’t come after him and he showed up to practice all alone?
A thought occurred to him, mortifying. What if Tsukasa was trying to lose him on purpose?
He shook off the thought, ashamed at his distrust.
Rui stood there, too conscious of his own presence. It was strange, watching Tsukasa interact with an admirer, like looking into a funhouse mirror.
He felt distinctly unwelcome. Traitorously, a sour taste had been bubbling up in the back of his throat. Jealousy. Guilt had burned in his stomach for even having those feelings in the first place, knowing that Tsukasa and Aoyagi had no such intention.
How creepy. Tsukasa wasn’t his. Tsukasa was his own person who could have his own friends, and Rui was being weird and possessive and gross. So, he’d spent the entire time sick with envy and guilt, which only served to make him guiltier.
Not to mention the mortification. Rui had almost no friends outside of his troupe, but it seemed Tsukasa was quite the opposite.
Rui’s spiral was cut off by Tsukasa’s arrival. “Ah? Rui? You didn’t have to wait, y’know,” he muttered sheepishly. Rui sent a silly little smirk at him.
“Naturally I waited for Tsukasa-kun. You’re my boyfriend after all, no?” Normally, something like that would make Tsukasa turn bright red and splutter, sufficiently distracting him from whatever issue Rui was trying to ignore. Either Tsukasa had figured out this trick or it fell flat that time, because Tsukasa only looked at him strangely.
“Is something wrong?” Tsukasa asked him carefully, trailing behind him as they began to walk again. Oh dear. Now, he had worried Tsukasa for no real reason other than him being insecure and overreacting to such a nonissue.
Rui shook his head, making a dismissive gesture as if to wave off Tsukasa’s concerns. “No, no, I’m alright,” He reassured. He could feel the other boy’s doubtful look burning into the back of his head. Nene really had influenced him too much.
Tsukasa reached forward and took Rui’s hand in his. His touch burned pleasantly against Rui’s cold skin. “Rui,” he said, dubiously, and they came to a stop.
“It’s stupid.” Rui finally turned to look at him, feeling far too much like a petulant child.
“Your feelings are not stupid,” Tsukasa scolded him, squeezing his hand. Rui only huffed, embarrassed.
“...Well, it’s unwarranted, at the very least. I’ll get over it,” he foolishly tried to dismiss a second time.
“Rui, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but it’s important not to downplay your feelings for my sake!” Tsukasa proclaimed, performing Pose #47: Earnest Determination. Rui felt an indulgent little grin playing at the corners of his lips, and relented.
“Alright, alright,” He gave in, embarrassed that he’d managed to create such a big deal out of this. “When you were with Aoyagi-kun, I was… envious, I suppose.”
“Toya’s like my brother!” Tsukasa rushed to reassure, looking a little bemused, actually.
“I told you it was stupid,” Rui retorted, aiming for smugness and landing on immaturity instead.
“Jealousy is completely normal in a relationship,” Tsukasa recited dutifully, in a tone that suggested the words weren’t his own.
Rui’s eyes had crinkled in fond laughter, that horrible feeling in his chest already assuaged. “Did you look that one up?” He asked.
“Hmph! Of course a star like me would prepare to the fullest of my ability!” Tsukasa puffed up his chest, cheeks tinting pink despite his apparent pride.
Rui couldn’t help his giggle, then. They continued their walk to practice in the now content silence.
“...You know you’re important to me, right?” Tsukasa hummed after a little while, and Rui knew Tsukasa had probably read ‘Show him extra affection,’ from some article about jealous boyfriends.
Tsukasa had pressed a quick, hesitant little peck to his cheek, and stiffly walked ahead of him, leading him by the hand. And Rui had laughed, face burning and heart light; Because although Tsukasa had turned away, his ears were bright red, too.
☆ ☆ ☆
One day, while Rui was changing out of his costume, Tsukasa had seen the scars on his arms, perfectly straight– had seen the little crescent shapes in his forearms that come from digging nails into skin– had seen the lines tracing his upper arms inch by inch.
And Tsukasa knew.
Rui had felt knowing gazes traced across him, little glances snuck in whenever Tsukasa thought he wasn’t paying attention while changing. Rui had felt Tsukasa’s hands hovering awkwardly over his upper arms, tender and hesitant. Rui stopped rolling up his sleeves. Started changing in bathroom stalls after practice. Part of him almost wished he hadn’t chickened out on that day solely because the scars lining him were so ugly.
He was not the kind of person who deserved this, could never be. He did not deserve Tsukasa’s concern. He most certainly did not deserve the kind of care that includes gentle, feather light touches against the forearms of someone who is not even supposed to be awake to feel them.
One day, before practice, Rui and Tsukasa had shown up late, and rushed to the changing room. Rui had had a momentary lapse of judgment in which he’d decided that the benefits of not retreating into a bathroom stall outweighed the likelihood of Tsukasa asking after him.
Evidently, he’d been wrong, because while Rui rushed to get his costume on, Tsukasa had broken the frantic silence with a hesitant, “Are you okay?” Rui took a glance at his face, and found his conflicted look targeted at his arms. He clamped down on his instinctive urge to cover them, knowing that’d only make Tsukasa more worried.
Biting on his inner cheek, he’d looked away, and choked out a strained placation. “Ah. These are from years ago.” Tsukasa’s odd look had not even begun to ease. What was the protocol for this situation? “Thank you,” he tacked on awkwardly, already past the window in which it would’ve been normal to keep talking. It came out a bit too much like a question. Tsukasa did not respond, eyebrows furrowed and hand fidgeting awkwardly with the hem of his shirt.
“Do you… think they’re ugly?” Tsukasa finally asked. A lance of fear went straight through Rui. Was he upset? Did he think they were ugly?
“Hm?” Rui hummed, stupidly. Tsukasa frowned and rushed to rephrase his question.
“Sorry, that wasn’t…” He trailed off sheepishly. He’d thought for a moment, unsure. Eventually, after far too long of a wait, Tsukasa had simply said, “You always hide them.” Rui wasn’t sure what he could say to assuage him, but his boyfriend was staring into him, awaiting his response, so Rui spoke.
Rui made a so-so motion with his hand, arm falling limply to his side afterwards. “They’re… embarrassing, I suppose. But there’s nothing to be done.” He shrugged lamely, wanting that pitying contemplation off of him.
Tsukasa had swallowed thickly, taking a stilted step forward, hand outstretched. “Is it alright if I… ask why?”
Rui did not protest as Tsukasa gingerly traced his fingers up from his elbow to his shoulder, only averting his eyes. His gloves were soft against the raised lines, and for a moment Rui said nothing, letting Tsukasa’s touch burn through him. “I’m sure you’ve heard how people talk about me?”
“They’re wrong,” Tsukasa had insisted, before Rui could continue. His gaze was so earnest that Rui could not bear to look at him.
( Privately, Rui wonders now whether looking at Tsukasa at this moment would’ve revealed if he’d actually meant it. Surely, by the end he’d felt a similar sentiment? Why else would he have left Rui behind? )
“I know. But…” Rui trailed off for a moment, unsure how to explain. “In junior high. I didn’t exactly… have anyone. So I was picked on quite badly.”
“They were wrong.”
Rui’s eyes veered towards his shoes, unsure what to say other than a soft little, “I know.” Tsukasa was quiet for a moment that was much shorter than it felt.
“You shouldn’t be ashamed of them.” Tsukasa told him, gently. “I think they’re beautiful.”
“...How?” Rui could only say, and his voice came out far softer and more hesitant than he’d prefer.
“Because they’re proof that you lived.”
Rui was content then, to pretend he believed him. Beautiful , he’d thought fondly, for the rest of practice, tracing his gloved hands down his arms in a futile attempt to recreate that warmth that had burned in his skin when Tsukasa did the same thing.
★
Anyway, a few weeks later Tsukasa broke up with him.
It was a nice day, cool and crisp, and after practice, Rui smiled at him. He’d looked at the boy who’d outshone the sun and he’d smiled.
Rui had smiled, and though he was still afraid, he’d pushed past it.
“I love you,” he’d said, like it was nothing– as if Tsukasa’s reciprocation was something expected already. As if he could not imagine Tsukasa might not say it back.
Gaze turned towards the floor in thinly veiled anxiety, he did not see the look in Tsukasa’s eyes, did not see the furrow of hesitation appearing in his brow.
He’d only heard, “...Rui, I’m sorry to do this to you.”
And that was that.
☆ ☆ ☆
Approximately two weeks after Tsukasa’s unceremonious breaking of his heart, Rui gets cornered by a certain pink-haired menace. Rui stares down at Emu in front of him, cheeks puffed and brows furrowed into a glare, weirdly intimidated and yet somehow warmed by her concerned… rage?
“Rui-kun!!” She shouts. Rui wonders distantly how she keeps getting into a school she doesn’t attend. Her hands are on her hips, somehow threatening.
“Hi, Emu-kun…” He greets in return, and why is he so intimidated?? Well, if Emu’s really going to beat him up, he’ll probably lose– Despite his height he has the strength of perhaps… a blade of grass, probably.
Maybe less.
“ Rui-kun !!!” She repeats, and this time it’s scolding, squeezing him in a hug. As she pulls away, she makes a sad face at him, and Rui wonders whether she’s trying to make him feel guilty on purpose or not. “Where have you been?” She demands, but clasps her hands in something like sympathy and continues talking before he can get a word in edgewise, “Nene-chan told me you were being silly,” she pouts.
Rui’s not sure how to reply. Emu scrutinizes him, wrinkling her chin. There is a long moment in which silence stretches between them, Rui unsure what to say and Emu looking for something in his eyes. It’s funny, kind of. Rui misses this. He misses goofing off with his troupe members and trying out weird pop-up cafes and going to breakfast places on late nights after successful shows. Rui misses having friends.
The humor rising up in him dampens when she speaks again.
Emu points at him with her hands on her hips, face set in determination in a way that is decidedly reminiscent of a certain blond ex boyfriend.
“Tsukasa-kun has a tendency to go all, ‘fwwsh!’”– She makes a gesture with her hands, fingers wiggling to indicate sparkles– “Even when he’s actually all ‘ppbllt.’” She blows a raspberry, making a thumbs down.
“...Of course.”
Emu searches his face again, and when she still cannot find it, continues her tirade. “Rui-kun, I’m telling you because you’re being silly.” She stares at him with the most stoic expression he’s ever seen on her face. It’s a little unnerving, actually. “It wasn’t your fault.”
“Did Nene put you up to this?” Rui frowns dubiously, narrowing his eyes. This question goes unanswered, though probably not unheard.
“I, ah, I know you’re probably like wahh…” She pulls a sad face, sliding a finger down her cheek like a tear. “Because when you get left behind a lot, you start thinking there’s something wrong with you! And then, when you get super duper used to it, you start feeling like it’s gonna happen anyway, no matter what you do— and then you stop trying to prevent it, ‘cause you’re like, ‘It’s gonna happen no matter what I do.’”— She deepens her voice, putting a hand to her head in a tragic motion.— “So you start feeling like you deserve it in the end, because you feel like you didn’t put as much work as you should’ve.” She finishes. Rui wonders whether she’s speaking from experience, and promptly resolves to be a better friend to her.
“So I know you probably think it’s your fault! But! Talking with Tsukasa-kun and Nene-chan! I think you got the reason why wrong!” Emu glares, jabbing her finger into his chest.
“I know the reason,” Rui says weakly. He knows exactly why Tsukasa broke up with him. He knows because this has happened to him, time and time again. Emu’s right about the first part, but she hasn’t seen what it’s like for him. Surely, whoever abandoned her had done it for some stupid, unjust reason; But for him— for someone like Rui— It is undoubtedly deserved.
Rui is abruptly jolted out of his musing by Emu jabbing her finger into his chest once more.
“ Rui-kun !” She yells again, and it’s gentler this time.
She takes his hands, limp at his sides, in hers, and looks as stern as one can with their already round cheeks puffed with air.
“I’m not here as a messenger, or something. But you and Tsukasa-kun are my friends, and in a good relationship, you have to communicate.” She says softly, squeezing his hands in hers. Then, she exclaims, back to her normal volume, “Talk to him, Rui-kun!!!”
Rui huffs out a shaky, amused breath, smiling for the first time in weeks, now; And pulls her into a hug. “Thanks, Emu-kun.”
☆彡
Three and a half weeks or so after Rui’s broken up with, he gathers his courage, closes his eyes, and sends a text to an untouched contact on his phone that he’d forgotten to take the heart out of.
-
☆tsukasa-kun!!(´♡‿♡`)
(3 weeks ago)
☆tsukasa-kun!!(´♡‿♡`): Can you meet me backstage please?
sure ill be right rhere :3
(22:43)
Can we talk?
-
He waits for a response, hands sweating and face hot. What was he thinking? Tsukasa’s not going to respond, and he’s definitely not going to agree to meet. He’s a desperate idiot, pining for someone who’s made it clear they want nothing to do with him.
His phone gives off a muted ding less than a minute later. It takes Rui a moment to open it, afraid it will say something like who is this? or please don’t try to contact me again.
-
☆tsukasa-kun!!(´♡‿♡`)
(22:44)
☆tsukasa-kun!!(´♡‿♡`): Meet me in the Sekai, please.
-
What else can Rui do but comply?
-
Walking through the Sekai, he spots a shock of honey blond and warm peach hair in the corner of his eye, glowing softly under the star-shaped street lights, and dread races down his spine. Maybe he shouldn’t do this .
And because Rui is a coward, he turns around to stiffly retreat– running away from his problems once again.
His heart pounds thunderously in his ears despite the fact that it feels like it’s dropped down to his stomach. It’s too late for him to run, though, because a familiar voice cuts through the fog before he can get very far.
“...Rui!” Tsukasa calls after him.
Rigidly, Rui turns to face him. Awkwardly, fumblingly, he manages, “...Ah. I hadn’t intended to disturb you, Tsukasa-kun. I’ll take my leave, apologies.” He raises his hands in a dismissive gesture, eyes too wide and smile too plastic to even remotely pass for natural. He curses himself internally. The excuse makes no sense.
Tsukasa is silent for a moment. Uncharacteristically somber. If he’s realized Rui’s blundering attempts to run, he doesn’t show it. Rui wonders what he’s thinking. Wonders if he’d been glad to forget what Rui even looked like. Wonders if Tsukasa even hates him or if he’s just been discarded. “No, it’s… ah. It’s alright,” Tsukasa says, “…Stay,” he tilts his head towards the empty seat next to him on the bench, ever polite.
Rui dutifully ignores the tension in the air, expertly avoiding eye contact. He can feel Tsukasa’s eyes tracing his face. He pretends not to notice. “It’s really– I wouldn’t want to intrude.” He tries not to fidget, digging blunt nails into his arms.
“No, you wouldn’t be! Actually, I’ve–!” Tsukasa rushes to reassure, and for a moment, Rui can close his eyes and pretend that nothing has changed. That they’re together in the Sekai after practice just to bask in each other's presence, trading jokes and impressions and script ideas. The moment is over when Tsukasa speaks again, quiet and somber. Rui sneaks a glance at him. He looks conflicted.
“...I’ve been trying to talk to you,” Tsukasa settles on at last.
Rui scrutinizes Tsukasa’s face. Is this a joke?
He looks sincere.
“...You have?” The words burst forth from Rui’s lips unbidden, and he hates himself for how hopeful they sound. Desperate. He should be glad, then, if they’re just going back to being friends.
“Yes, I–!!” Tsukasa does that odd thing again, beginning his sentence loud and showman-like before cutting himself off and dulling it into something that’s so earnest it hurts. “Rui, I’m sorry,” he says. Rui feels Tsukasa’s gaze burning through him. He tries not to think about the last time he’d said that. Rui, I’m sorry to do this to you , Is what he’d murmured, oddly quiet.
Rui wonders what Tsukasa could possibly be apologizing for that could break his heart any more than he already has. If Tsukasa really wanted to break his heart, though, Rui would lie still and let him.
“What for?” Rui says, voice almost a whisper.
“I… I talked to Nene, and I realized that the way I ended things with you was… Bad.” Tsukasa fidgets with the hem of his sleeve, lips pursed and eyebrows furrowed. “She told me that you were blaming yourself, and I–”
Rui can hear Nene’s harsh, concern-filled words, probably something like, “ He’s totally useless without you,” hidden under Tsukasa’s gentle sincerity. He feels a little rush of fondness, and opens his mouth to reply something but Tsukasa speaks first.
“It could never be your fault!” He shouts, volume suddenly loud and voice impassioned. Rui is taken aback, and finally looks up to notice that under the low light, Tsukasa’s copper eyes shimmer with tears.
Rui does not dare to hope, crossing his arms tighter against his chest.
“It was me, the whole time! I knew you loved me and I knew you wanted to tell me that, but I was worthless enough to think that… Maybe you didn’t mean it at all.”
Worthless? Between the two of them, he wouldn’t ever consider Tsukasa the worthless one. “Tsukasa-kun, You’re not—!” He tries, but his protests die on his tongue when Tsukasa continues.
“Rui, I found out about the deal you were offered by Arcland Tokyo.”
Rui feels as if he’s been plunged into a frozen lake. A million different realizations happen at once, dread shooting like an arrow through his heart. Oh . So that’s why he’d broken it off. Tsukasa had found out that Rui was selfish enough to consider leaving his troupe for an advancement of his own career. Tsukasa had found out that Rui planned to abandon them, though he’d promised time and time again that he’d help his fellow troupe members to achieve their dreams. “I…” He tries to say, but his words turn to ash– useless and bitter in his mouth.
Something must show on his face, because Tsukasa shakes his hands frantically. “No, no, I just… I found out that you didn’t take it because you didn’t want to leave our troupe. And that was something big! That could’ve helped you achieve your dream, couldn’t it? And it– I realized that we– no…”
Rui sees his throat bob as he swallows thickly, turning his warm brass gaze to the ground.
His voice is quiet and traitorously choked off when he speaks again. “That I… was just holding you back.”
Tsukasa bows his head. “...So I’m sorry, Rui. I’m sorry for ending it all and letting you think it could be because of anything but myself.”
Rui feels something warm and wet trace down his cheek. He raises his hand to touch his face, and finds that he’s beginning to cry. His throat burns with unshed tears. And, mortified, he rubs at his face clumsily. It’s not enough, because another tear comes. And then another and another and another until Rui is sniffling pathetically. Until Rui is crying for the first time since that day Tsukasa had told him I’m so sorry to do this to you.
Tsukasa stands suddenly. Rui hiccups and wipes his sleeve across his eyes, but he knows Tsukasa is hovering awkwardly in front of him, unsure if his comfort is welcomed. He can practically feel the guilt coming off of him in waves.
Tsukasa comes to a sudden decision and hugs him. Rui chokes back sobs into his shoulder and doesn’t even know why he’s crying so hard. Tsukasa hesitantly, slowly, tucks a lavender strand behind his ear in a way that is perhaps too familiar for two people who are supposed to be broken up. Rui says nothing and lets himself be held. Quietly, he cries until Tsukasa’s soft beige cardigan is wet and caked with tears.
“You’re so mean, Tsukasa-kun,” Rui mumbles wetly into his shoulder, slumped and boneless against him with something like relief in his chest.
Tsukasa’s gentle grip on him spasms, tentative and guilty. “I’m sorry, I…”
“That wasn’t–” Rui swallows, pulling back and wiping his face against his sleeve once more. “That wasn’t your choice to make,” he says, because he doesn’t know how to voice everything in his head.
“I’m sorry.” Tsukasa says again, like he thinks Rui is berating him.
Rui pulls back slightly, brows furrowed and determined. “You could never hold me back. You’re…!” He trails off, the feeling swirling in him too big for words. Tsukasa looks up at him, eyes shining with something. “Tsukasa-kun, you’re incredible.”
“Rui…” Rui cuts him off before he can continue being unjustifiably self-deprecating.
“I forgive you.” He says firmly, although he knows he looks a mess with his greasy hair and dark under eyes, puffy from crying. “Of course I forgive you,” Rui affirms, and there is another quiet reassurance in his words, a promised little I love you , thinly veiled.
There’s a long silence, then. Tsukasa looks at him once more, gaze finding his own. Rui tries to express in his eyes just how much he means it.
The hope in Tsukasa’s gaze is palpable; Fragile and softer than it has any right to be, the shimmering in his eyes looks as delicate as gossamer.
There’s a certain panache needed to convey things without saying them, but by the look in Tsukasa’s eyes and the soft smile playing at the corners of his mouth– Rui knows he’s gotten it right this time.
“...So we’re…” Tsukasa lets the words hang in the air, suddenly shy again. Rui musters up his inner Tsukasa and smiles at him, though he’s definitely not as good at it.
“If I could have the honor of dating the brightest future star in the world, then yes.” Rui teases, but it’s undeniable how glad he is, unquestionable fondness welling up in his chest despite his still stinging eyes.
“Rui.” Tsukasa chastises, but there’s not even a hint of heat behind the scolding. He pulls away, hands on Rui’s forearms. He’s grinning, sweet and more genuine than anything that Rui could ever deserve.
It’s a good thing, then, that– avoiding vegetables and staying up far too late and causing minor discord– Rui has always been a little too self indulgent.
“Let’s go home,” Tsukasa beams. Home. Rui can’t keep down his smile at the word.
“...And thank Nene and Emu.” He tacks on, sheepish, as he turns away. He links their pinkies, as if reluctant to part. Rui grabs his hand fully.
Rui sees the outline of his smile in the warm light– a beacon in the dim Sekai– and thinks, Tsukasa-kun. You’re beautiful.
“…I love you,” Tsukasa tells him quietly, like it’s instinctual. It’s no less sincere, of course, and Rui’s heart feels so full that it might explode. From here, face illuminated by the soft lights of the Sekai, Rui thinks Tsukasa is brighter than ever.
Rui grins as bright as he can, and for once it feels right on his face. He squeezes Tsukasa’s hand in his.
Casually, truthfully, Rui says, “I love you too, Tsukasa-kun.”
And that’s that.
✦