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Ghosts. An interesting entity. That is what I am. A ghost. It isn’t as bad, I wasn’t ready to leave in the first place, it is like nothing has changed since I was alive, except everyone ignores me now. 500 years, I think, I don’t know, I lost track of time. It’s not that boring, I enjoy watching the humans come and go and have their little adventures, it’s amusing.
Sometimes I would sing songs to myself. I wish I had an instrument. A real one. I would usually materialize one, but it isn’t like a real instrument, it doesn’t feel like the one Venti used to let me borrow. I miss him. I miss many of my friends. And my dear brothers and those little rifthounds. Now I watch the little one from afar. If only I could apologize. If only I could comfort him and hug him and tell him everything is going to be alright like I always did, even if it was a lie. I wish he would at least be able to see me, to hear me. I hope he forgave me.
It’s painful. To watch him suffer from afar and not being able to do anything about it. I hate watching him and his never ending conflict with the perfect one. Should I consider the perfect one a brother to me? I had never met him before. I don’t think I really care enough to. I would just like to meet the little one and Venti and Dvalin again. I want to apologize.
Would they tell me it’s alright? Would they give me a second chance? I wish I had company. I like watching the humans, but I hate the isolation. I wish I could talk to someone about this. About my sorrows. I wish for reassurance. And closure. I wish to come back.
Today, the little one had another fight with the perfect one. I do not know if I wish him to win or lose, if he wins, he would live on, but live on under the influence of that evil blood. It doesn’t feel like it is my little brother anymore, the innocence and child-like wonder he used to emit is gone.
I think it is my fault. If he loses, he dies. He would maybe pass on into the afterlife without me. Or would he stay a ghost? Would we be able to reconcile? Maybe he won’t die. Maybe he’ll come back to life. Again. Did his desire to stay alive bring him back from the dead? I wish I had such a strong desire as much as he did, maybe I would have been able to come back with him, maybe I would have been able to help Dvalin. Maybe maybe maybe. So many maybes. So many things that could be fixed. So many.
It is so frustrating. So annoying. None could hear me right now. Or ever will. Maybe I should scream. I think that it is a good way to let my anger out. So I did. It appears my theory about being unheard by none was wrong. Someone looked at me. Heard me. They asked if I was okay. I don’t know who this person was. They had blonde hair in a ponytail. Very fancy clothes. And armor. A knight? I don’t know. I remember feeling relief. Someone could see me.
I fell to my knees and started crying. It was very pathetic. I didn’t know what I had to do. Is crying pathetic? I remember the knight trying to ask me what’s wrong. Maybe they tried to touch my shoulder. I don’t know. But they found out I was a ghost. They sat with me silently until I stopped. Then introduced themself as ‘Jean’. They seemed very nice. They asked for my name. I said ‘Rin’. It was a nickname the little one gave me.
I sat on the snow with my teared stained face while hugging my knees. It was so embarrassing. The knight asked me why I was crying. It took me a while before I could respond. The knight was very patient. I said that I was surprised someone could see me and that it’s been lonely for me. The knight apologized to me. I asked what for. They said that they felt bad. How kind. We stayed silent.
I asked the knight if they wanted to hear a song. I haven’t been able to play songs to anyone for a while. The knight agreed. So I materialized a lyre and started singing. It was a song Venti used to play to me. The knight seemed to recognize it, but said nothing. It was comforting. I wonder. Would the knight still be here if they knew what I did? Who I am? Probably not. I think I would like to keep my identity a secret. Secret secret secret. Yes. Secrets are what destroy everything. If the secrets are brought out, everything goes wrong for everyone. That’s what I learned from mother’s mistake. She was always ever so persistent, wasn’t she?
The knight had to leave. I smiled and bid them goodbye. They got up and left. That was probably the last time I will see them. Oh well. It was nice to have company while it lasted. I started to wander and observe the humans again. I then checked on the little one. He had made a new whopperflower friend. He was asleep while hugging it in a closed off cave. I am happy that he isn’t as lonely as I was. He always had a fascination for plants. I don’t think mother liked that. I heard her say it was distracting. I pretended I did not hear her say this. I pretend a lot of things. It’s so easy.
The next day, I was sitting next to the still beating heart of mine. It reminded me of a very slow beep-bop sound. Like the machines at mother’s lab. Then I saw someone come in the cave. It was Venti. He saw me and smiled very widely and waved at me. I think that I had started crying again. Maybe it isn’t really as pathetic as I initially thought it was. Crying, that is.