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Rei loves competence.
First and foremost; his own.
He prides himself in his skills to a point bordering on arrogance and even that is something he is proud of.
He admires his body. How he is able to move and fight and how he looks. He loves his abilities with a gun and how he can outdrive even the most skilled of drivers.
He considers his mind his deadliest weapon. Fast and sharp and cunning, able to outmaneuver almost anyone and ready to do what needs to be done.
Being good at something comes naturally to him. Not without hard work and dedication, of course not. But he is good at learning and picking up skills and putting in effort and that's his greatest pride because it means there is nothing he can't achieve if he puts his mind to it.
Rei is competent in every sense of the word.
Sexuality, lust is something that doesn't come naturally to Rei. Of course, he managed to overcome his lack of understanding through observing and learning, just the same way he hones all his skills.
It's just different. For him, not for the people around Rei. Nobody would be able to tell this is something Rei isn't naturally good at. He can charm the pants off of anyone and has done so before. He knows how to pleasure his partners, knows what is expected of him and he simply does so and, like everything else, he uses it to his advantage.
But, contrary to everything else he is good at, he has no instinct for it, he just goes through the motions. It doesn't make a difference to him, not really. It's still something he is good at.
~~~
When he was younger and just starting puberty it was a different story. Sure, he experienced the transition from boy to man and everything that came with it, but he couldn't really relate to his friends when they started talking about girls and boys, first kisses and sex, and made it sound like the most significant part of their lives. When he got horny he simply jerked off and that was it.
After his first kiss with a girl in high school, after he went home and fruitlessly waited for a feeling of accomplishment or anything, he told his best friend about it.
The first thing Hiro told him was that he probably liked boys instead of girls.
A week later, after his first kiss with a boy, Rei went home and still felt everyone knew something and he just simply didn't.
It irked him, his competitive and prideful nature didn't allow for feelings of inferiority. So, Rei did what he did best, and sat down and investigated. The internet wasn't as developed then as it is today, but it was enough, and Rei learned about different sexualities and labels. He didn't care much for labels, so he never bothered to give himself one, even if there were some he could technically apply to himself. He just didn't care.
What he cared about, was not instinctively knowing. So he learned.
And it wasn't even hard. He observed and copied patterns and behaviors and when he tried them, it worked.
Throughout high school he tested his new skills on two girls and a boy, all three of them never suspecting anything, and when he felt his knowledge was sufficient, he ended it and he even marginally pitied them. Being on the receiving end of a breakup was supposed to feel bad, after all.
He didn't bother dating during police training until he graduated.
Rei had told Hiro about it, one late night when they were both drinking and the subject came up. He didn't like lying to his best friend.
He still remembers Hiro's face, warm and soft in the dim lighting in their small apartment.
"That's okay Rei," Hiro had said, a small encouraging smile playing around his lips. "Some people are asexual. You shouldn't feel bad."
"That's not- ...I don't even care. People are just boring, I don't understand why anyone... would want to...," Rei had almost stuttered, flustered, and too drunk to mask it.
"Haha, I'm glad it doesn't bother you. I mean, the one who catches your attention would have to be someone really special. Nobody can keep up with you. I certainly can't." Hiro had almost looked sad, despite the smile and the warm tone in his voice.
Rei didn't like the feeling and had been quick to reassure his friend. "Of course, you can! You are the best person I could wish for a friend."
They had been silent for a while until Hiro asked him, "Would you kiss me?"
Rei had been blind-sighted, the thought had never crossed his mind, but Hiro spoke before Rei had the chance to react. "Sorry I asked, forget it."
"No! We can. I mean- the thought isn't bad. We could try.", Rei had suggested, because somehow the idea of kissing Hiro wasn't bad. He felt like, for the first time, he wanted to kiss someone, maybe.
It had been a short kiss. Hiro had been the one who leaned in and pressed his lips to Rei's, soft and warm. He had pulled back soon after, and even though Hiro clearly tried to keep a straight face, Rei had just known he was nervous.
"...and?"
And Rei hadn't really known how to answer. Because while he liked it, he still felt like they weren't talking about the same thing.
"It was... different. Better. But I don't think...", Rei had admitted, voice low, and for the first time, he had felt bad about not getting it.
"It's okay, Rei. I don't expect anything. Nothing changes, okay?", and he was right, nothing changed between them, and it had been the first and last time they ever talked about the subject.
~~~
A few years later, Hiro dies. And still, nothing changes.
He charms his way into the Black Organization with his information-gathering skills. He hacks into security systems, shoots people who might or might not deserve it, drives like a maniac when the situation calls for it, and threatens whoever he needs to. He takes honeypot missions and performs them well, and he doesn't think about them any more beyond success or failure.
~~~
Rei doesn't realize it at first when it happens.
The last person, the last reason he had to ever think again about his sexuality, is gone.
He does undercover work as Bourbon, starts his part-time job at 'Poirot', and bribes himself an apprenticeship as Kogorou Mouri's junior detective.
And he meets Conan.
Conan, he quickly learns, is different from every other kid he knows. Rei is drawn to him like a moth to the flame. It doesn't take more than a few meetings for Rei to figure out there is more to the kid than meets the eye.
It's obvious, Conan is the reason for Mouri's rise to fame, but it doesn't stop there. He is observant, almost uncannily so, and he knows how to use his gift. He plays other people like a fiddle, almost like he is the mastermind and everyone else is his pawn. He has connections way beyond everything Rei had thought possible at first.
The kid carves himself a place as his equal fast, and at first, Rei is excited beyond measure.
He relishes the time they spent together, not even caring they are enemies. Well, sort of. The kid doesn't know he is an undercover PSB agent, and no matter his personal feelings, Rei won't compromise his position.
But then the kid figures it out and confronts him, and Rei is gone.
Slowly, it dawns on him.
Rei catches himself being more tactile with Conan than with anyone else before. He grips the kid by his shoulders when he could have just called out to him. He crouches down when they speak and holds eye contact almost aggressively. He ignores personal space and stands too close and brushes against him unnecessarily. He ruffles his hair and lets his hand rest on Conan's neck, willfully oblivious to Conan's inquiring gaze.
Rei makes excuses to see the boy, stumbles across him 'on accident' more times than he can safely explain away and he doesn't stop. He doesn't want to.
It takes several weeks until Rei acknowledges to himself that something is wrong.
In the privacy of his own home, he takes the time to think long and hard about what he is doing and why, and comes to the conclusion he is attracted to Conan.
And it's like Pandora's box has opened, but instead of hope, it's insanity and depravity that pour out and consume Rei.
Suddenly, he starts noticing things.
Conan's eyes, blue and sparkling, determined and absolutely fearless. The smirk that settles on the kid's face when he finds the final piece to a puzzle. The way confidence rolls off him in waves when he solves a case and the satisfaction of being right in his voice. How his stance shifts when he squares up to protect someone from danger. Just. Everything.
And Rei wants.
He wants to touch and kiss, and everything he never understood before and he feels sick and twisted. He knows there are words for someone like him, but at the same time, he doesn't understand. Thinking about other kids Conan's age disgusts him, while Conan just... doesn't.
Rei knows Conan is not a normal kid. No boy his age can possibly be this smart and mature, but it doesn't make it right. It doesn't stop his stomach from turning when he goes to bed at night and it doesn't stop the self-hatred that slowly starts to consume him.
The worst thing, the absolute worst thing about Conan is, that sometimes Rei thinks Conan feels the same when their eyes meet and Conan leans into his touch. And Rei still doesn't stop.
Rei thinks about Hiro and their kiss, about every partner in high school and every honeypot mission, but he falls asleep to thoughts of Conan.
~~~
The Black Organization falls after long years of hard work and, Rei won't call it suffering because he chose this path for himself, Conan leaves. Rei doesn't know if he should be grateful or disappointed. He misses him, fiercely, and the world that's supposed to shine bright now that his mission is over stays gray.
Instead, back comes Kudou Shinichi, whom he has never met before and only heard of, but is suddenly involved in all the clean-up and meetings and is just... everywhere.
At first, Rei is irritated and skeptical. He doesn't trust strangers, especially not when their reappearance is shady at best. He hears whispers and rumors behind closed doors, but nothing substantial. The FBI trusts Kudou, much to Rei's displeasure.
He is also shockingly similar to Conan and he talks about Conan constantly. It's maddening, a reoccurring reminder of Rei's guilt and longing and he absolutely hates it.
Despite his misgivings, Rei comes to respect him. He is certainly intelligent, no-nonsense and, in a few baffling instances, almost as cunning as Rei himself.
Kudou is also attractive, but Rei forbids the thought whenever it surfaces, because he won't allow someone to become a cheap stand-in for Conan, no matter how much they look alike.
Rei makes an effort to avoid him as much as possible, but it turns out to be futile. He doesn't know why, but Kudou seems to like him and goes out of his way to spend time with him. He visits the café Rei somehow can't get himself to stop working at, and he waits after meetings and wants to discuss cases, and it's too much. Rei feels like he is slowly losing his mind again.
~~~
It's almost three months later when Rei's world gets turned upside-down.
His shift at Poirot has just ended and he is almost done with the clean-up. The front door is open, despite the "closed" sign, because Rei needed some fresh and slightly cooler evening air to clear his head after being cooped up in the stuffy kitchen.
The only warning he gets are hurried steps coming down from the Mouri agency and a female shout. Then Kudou stumbles down, coming to a stop right in front of the window. Rei can make out an agitated scowl before Kudou turns his back to him and looks back up the stairs.
"No, Ran. I need space. I want to be your friend again, you know I want to. But I can't when you treat me like-," he breaks off, clearly frustrated and fighting for words. "...I'm not Conan anymore. I am nineteen now, not eight. I know it's not easy, but..." Kudou trails off and drags both hands through his hair. It's sweaty and doesn't fall into place like before, some strands sticking out and suddenly Rei can't stop staring.
Whatever follows in their conversation, he doesn't hear a word. Can't make out anything beyond the ringing in his ears, the sudden realization, the stupid feeling of being fooled.
Rei's thoughts flash by quickly, running their own marathon within seconds until he understands. And it's so obvious. It's not only the realization that Kudou Shinichi is his Conan, it's so much more.
If he had just stopped for a second and allowed himself to think. If he hadn't let himself be chained by the guilt and shame, he would have known.
Rei loves competence.
First and foremost; his own.
But the thing he absolutely adores and worships and lusts after, is something even brighter, even more impressive and brilliant than himself.
It has never been about age or gender. He isn't sick or twisted.
He is in love with competence.
Rei blinks.
Shinichi, Rei can't call him anything else now that he knows, turns and their eyes meet. The second it takes for Shinichi to realize what Rei overheard is fascinating. His eyes glance to the open door and back to Rei, understanding slowly dawning and his mouth falls open.
The flustered expression that settles on Shinichi's face and the color that rises to his cheeks is the most beautiful thing Rei has ever seen.
"I mean, the one who catches your attention would have to be someone really special."