Archive of Our Own

"You're in your head," Jaemin tells him, leaning over to get closer into Donghyuck's space.

"Fuck off," Donghyuck snaps back, not quite able to reign his stress in time, not quite able to stop himself from being annoyed that Jaemin has called attention to the fact that Donghyuck's headspace is so bad it feels like it's in the trenches and he's struggling to pull it back. He exhales a deep breath, pushing back his hair, immediately regretful even though he knows Jaemin had purposely been trying to rile up a reaction. "Sorry."

"Right," Jaemin whistles out, leaning back again. "How much sleep did you get last night?"

"Some. Enough," Donghyuck snips back, changing positions as he stretches out, warming up for the official practice. It's quite early in the morning, and Donghyuck is kind of craving a coffee, but he tries to hold off on them until after practices. On competition days, it's usually better for him to take a nap between this practice and the evening's competition, so he probably shouldn't have one at all, and he's kind of grumpy about it.

He looks around the room for Taeyong, who's currently talking to Mark casually, neither of them looking too stressed. Taeyong usually leaves them alone for the most part when it comes to warming up, as they know well enough by now what to do, but he stays around to make sure they go where they're needed to be and that they're in a good headspace. He usually checks in with Mark first, and then heads over to Donghyuck.

It seems like Mark's in a good place, as he's laughing and joking around, even as he intently stretches out his body. He looks very much like he's in the zone, focused on the competition, and it's making Donghyuck slightly nervous. He's two points behind going into this free skate, and even if Donghyuck skates clean, it won't matter if Mark does as well. He's not going to be able to close that gap, and it's looking like Mark isn't going to fall to pieces.

Donghyuck kind of feels like he is. He's not used to this feeling at all.

Taeyong's going to notice immediately once he actually comes over, and Donghyuck's not sure how either of them are going to handle it. They're not familiar with Donghyuck's nerves, and though he's sure Taeyong will be able to handle it graciously somehow, he knows it's going to be unexpected and that Taeyong is going to worry.

Jaemin, very purposely, steps into Donghyuck's line of sight and breaks his view to Mark and Taeyong. He leans over and flicks Donghyuck lightly on the forehead.

"What's going on with you?" Jaemin asks.

Donghyuck pulls a face at him. "Nothing. Just... go away."

He misses Doyoung. Usually Doyoung comes with them to all these competitions as the secondary coach, and it means Taeyong and Doyoung can split their responsibility and focus with their students. Donghyuck knows how to talk to Doyoung, and would probably know how to pull him out from his spiralling thoughts, but Doyoung isn't here. He'd fallen unwell, and though he's been messaging and checking in while watching the live stream, it's completely different to not have him here.

Usually, the team leader for Korea lingers around to take responsibility and herd the Korean skaters, but it's usually not someone Donghyuck is too familiar with personally, and it's definitely not someone who would ever dare step between a coach and student.

Jaemin has put up his hand to take the position though, and now he's here in Barcelona, standing by Donghyuck's side now that the men's division is the last to skate in the entire competition. Donghyuck hasn't seen all that much of him over the past couple of days — he'd been busy in the men's short wrangling in the pairs groups, making sure he was barrier side for all the Korean skaters and doing all the kiss and cry moments, but now his focus is entirely and wholly on Donghyuck as the only Korean skater in this half of the division.

Of course, Jaemin had made sure he was fine with it before he volunteered for the position. They've been seeing each other for just over a year now, and they've kept it private — mostly at Donghyuck's request, because he doesn't want the media hounding Jaemin again. He already had been when he announced his retirement two years ago due to recurring injuries he couldn't continue to skate with, and it had only just started to taper off when they began seeing each other.

Donghyuck thought he'd be fine with it, but something is definitely throwing his usually sturdy mentality off, and there's no other reason he can quite pin it down except for the fact he's stressed about Jaemin. Not because of Jaemin, but he's just... he's been worried, seeing the media hounding him again, watching Jaemin carefully navigate himself away from questions about his career, about if he'll ever return to the ice, how he feels being back in the arena.

And he's used to competing against Jaemin when it comes to the scale of these competitions, but he's not used to him sitting on the sideline, watching as a supporter and partner and newly-appointed team leader rather than as competition for Donghyuck. Donghyuck just feels off-kilter, and he'd held it together well enough for the short program, only a minor step-out from his combination jump resulting in second place behind Canada's own Mark Lee.

But he'd been unable to sleep, stressed about his free program, worried about his quadruple loop which has just been weirdly off all goddamn week in every practice. He'd gone down hard on it earlier in the week, and he's been able to push it from his mind as he hadn't used it in the short program, but now it's at the forefront of his mind, stressing him out as the free program approaches.

He needs the points if he wants to beat Mark. Most of his jumps are in the first half, getting the quad attempts out of the way earlier, with his reliable triple lutz, triple toe combination back loaded into the second half to pick up some points there. But Mark has a quad and a combination planned in the second half, and his technical base value is higher than Donghyuck's own if they both skate clean. They tend to get around the same components — Donghyuck gets higher composition marks usually, but Mark picks them back up in the skating skills scores.

So if Donghyuck wants the title here, if he wants to overtake Mark, then he needs to be no less than perfect and hope that Mark isn't perfect either. But he feels jittery, nervous, worried about the points he's going to leave behind on the table if his quad loop doesn't become reliable again. He could lose second place, even, knowing that third is very close behind him,

He can switch it out for a quad flip for the same points, but the set-up doesn't give him the usual speed he needs for the flip. It's just not a good set up, and Donghyuck hasn't practised the flip in that place as the loop is usually okay.

Usually. It's apparently decided to go wonky this week, right when he needs it most. Taeyong's coaching corrections aren't able to help fix it either — it's just something inside of Donghyuck's head, getting worse every time he messes up an attempt.

He can usually push things aside, but something is just different with everything in this competition, and he's wound himself up during the night with his stress and anxiety and he hasn't been able to shake it.

Jaemin, unfortunately, does not go away. Donghyuck's a confusing mix of relieved and annoyed about it.

"I've never seen you this tense," Jaemin frowns, reaching out to poke Donghyuck's cheek.

Donghyuck swats him away. "Yeah, well, that's because I used to avoid you during competitions."

He can tell Jaemin's more in 'team leader' mode than anything, as he doesn't bat his eyes at Donghyuck and try to tease about their past history. Donghyuck had been competitive and kind of intimidated by Jaemin, and it made for a very confusing mix of emotions that were easy to try and displace as disliking Jaemin rather than anything else.

So he had avoided Jaemin, and did everything he could to make sure they didn’t cross paths even at the same international competitions for a long, long time.

"I still know what you're usually like," Jaemin replies, shaking his head. "This isn't—"

He's cut off by Taeyong walking over. Despite the fact he usually backs down when Taeyong is near, letting the coach take control, Jaemin doesn't quite leave this time.

Taeyong is good about Jaemin, treats him like a respected athlete and the same as he always does with every other team leader, but he's also aware of Jaemin's unique position as Donghyuck's partner. Taeyong's careful to make sure no 'relationship problems' manage to make their way into Donghyuck’s headspace, and he'd also had to approve Jaemin coming along as the team leader after making sure it would be fine.

Taeyong gives Jaemin a side-glance, but he seems to realise the problem is more Donghyuck than it is relationship problems, so he doesn't tell Jaemin to step away.

"You don't look rested," Taeyong says, head tilting. He's judging how to handle this new situation they've found themselves in.

Donghyuck's mouth twists. "I'll have a nap after practice."

He can tell that doesn't quite satisfy Taeyong. Taeyong watches him warm up for a moment, and then he steps closer, lowering his voice so as to not be overheard. Donghyuck pauses in his movement, listening closely.

"You're not in the right mindset. You're not going to run any jumps in your program, got it? We'll play it by ear outside of that, but if I tell you to stop jumping, you're going to stop," Taeyong says.

Donghyuck's limbs slacken entirely in shock.

"What?" He harshly whispers.

Usually Taeyong trusts him to manage his own practices and his own limits. Donghyuck is skating fifth, second-last in this final group, which means he'll have a bit of time to warm up his jumps and all of that before his program music starts, but he's not going to have much time after that. He'll have basically Mark's program to work through things after his own, and he usually uses that time if he has it to correct any mistakes he makes during his run-through.

"Donghyuck," Taeyong says, a little softer now. "You're not usually this wound up. You'll be fine, but you're obviously stressing yourself out. It's not like you. It's not worth making it worse in case practice doesn't go well. Just use this practice to calm down and walk through your jumps. Remember they'll be there when you focus."

He knows why Taeyong is stopping him from jumping, but it feels too much like Taeyong is telling him that he can't manage himself, that he's not good enough for all of it, and it feels too much like Donghyuck is giving up and conceding. He needs these jumps to work. He needs to make sure they're still going to be okay.

"Donghyuck," Taeyong warns, sharper, when Donghyuck doesn't reply to him and confirm the plan.

"Got it," Donghyuck says, a little bit snippy at Taeyong, at everyone, at everything — mostly himself, though. His own tone makes him feel worse, and he shrinks down with guilt.

"Hey," Taeyong lowers himself down, getting closer to the level that Donghyuck is currently at as he bends out and stretches his legs. "One practice isn't going to change all the hours of practice and all the muscle memory you have. You can do these things, you just need to push your mind back for once and let your body do what you've trained it to do. You can do this, Donghyuck."

"Yeah," Donghyuck breathes out. "Yeah, I know."

But it feels like he's telling a lie, self doubt curling inside of him and not letting go so easily despite Taeyong's unusual and usually hardly needed reassurance.

Taeyong stays a little bit closer to him during the warm up. Jaemin doesn't try to speak to him, but he stays close too, sitting beside Donghyuck when he heads into the designated change room to get his boots on. Some of the competitors in the group are in the change room, but a couple of them are using other benches in the hallway, giving themself some more space before stepping onto the ice.

Jaemin rifles through Donghyuck's bag, and Donghyuck lets him even if he's mildly confused, until Jaemin pulls out his earphones. He'd taken them out after he finished warming up and hadn't thought to put them back in, his thoughts still whirling and messy. No one's paying attention to them, each competitor and their team focused on their own bubble.

Donghyuck's fingers are still entangled with his laces as he tightens up his boots, so Jaemin reaches over and puts his earphones in for him. Donghyuck lets him, curious as Jaemin picks up his phone and scrolls through the list of music before he finally selects something.

He's half-expecting Jaemin to put his program music on, something that's usually part of Donghyuck's pre-competition routine before the actual skate, but Jaemin selects another song. It takes a second for Donghyuck to realise what it is, and when he does, he smiles. It's the song they'd first sung at karaoke during the first actual time they'd hung out — they were in a foreign country, both of them running into each other when getting dinner, and they'd just ended up going out to see more of the events around them.

It'd been the first time they'd actually talked, not just about skating and competitions, and it had been the first time Donghyuck realised he never actually disliked Jaemin. They were competitors at the time, but it was a one-sided kind of rivalry between them that Donghyuck realised he was the one holding onto.

The song helps to distract him as he ties up his boots, but soon enough he's being ushered out of the room and out to the rink. There are some reporters and media officials in the seats, the technical panel sitting at their usual bench, and a couple of other people filling out the stands just to watch the practice.

Donghyuck takes a deep breath and takes off his blade guards, putting them onto the barrier as all the skaters crowd around the gate, waiting for the announcement to let them out onto the ice. Jaemin and Taeyong step back, Taeyong taking his place at the barrier while Jaemin goes a little further back, still able to watch but not interfere with the practice.

"You got this," Taeyong reminds him when he steps onto the ice, and Donghyuck nods, telling himself to focus as he picks up speed and heads around for his warm up stroking laps. They get six minutes to warm up before the first program begins, the practice running like the competition will in a mere few hours.

Taeyong's barred him from actually jumping during the program, so if Donghyuck wants to jump, he's going to have to do it before his program. He goes through his step sequence to get himself a little more warmed up, and then he starts to move into walking through his jumps. He looks over at Taeyong once, who nods back at him, but his attention is back on Mark as Mark takes off and lands one of his triples.

Donghyuck huffs to himself. The first program begins, and Donghyuck is watchful of where the skater goes, but is otherwise focused on walking through the jumps. He jumps a couple of easy singles, trying to get his mind to focus on easy instructions, things he knows well — keep his left arm checked, right arm behind, wait, hold, swing. He moves up to doubles, practising a couple of loops.

The next skater starts.

Donghyuck starts working through his triples. Starts with the easier ones, like his toe-loop and salchow, until he's working up to his triple lutz combination and his triple axel. They feel solid, sturdy, and he's so reassured with the lutz that he ends up going through it a couple more times, just to reassure himself that his jumps are fine, it's all fine.

He skates back over to the barrier just before the skater before him begins. Taeyong's attention switches over to him completely, taking the chance to talk while Donghyuck is taking a quick breather.

"Your jumps look good," Taeyong says. "Just watch your shoulder on the loop."

Donghyuck nods, tipping back his head as he takes a sip from his water bottle. He sets it down, going through the motions of pulling in for the loop jump, and Taeyong hums.

"Better," Taeyong says with a nod. "If you want, before your program, go for a salchow or toe. But then leave the jumps alone and go through your spins, alright? You were flat on your rocker in your cluster as well, so focus on your steps with your run through. Tech panel aren't being lenient, so sit in your edges. Got it?"

"Got it," Donghyuck replies.

"Go," Taeyong says, gesturing his head out to the ice, and Donghyuck nods and skates around. He goes around for a lazy lap, stroking forward as he gains speed, watching where the rest of the skaters are. He waits for a moment, and then sets himself up for a quad salchow. It's a little over his left side, and he has to step down early out of the landing before he loses control, but it's landed.

Not good enough if he wants to beat Mark, though. He's going to need higher positive GOE's to really try and cover that distance.

His program is up next, and the skater before him finishes. Donghyuck circles around his position, waiting until he's called before he gets into position. He plans on only walking through most of it, marking out the spots for his jumps, but he does his spins. He's mid-one when he starts to think that loop isn't going to feel good tonight.

He’s wound himself up before he can even think about it. Pushing Taeyong’s words to the back of his mind, he sets up for the entry of his quad loop.

Just feel it. It'll be fine, it'll be fine—

He knows what Taeyong told him, but he's worked up and stressed, and he pulls in for the rotation. But he knows his shoulder is out, just like Taeyong told him to watch, and his axis is off. He goes over his left side, blade slipping out from underneath him, and he goes down, sliding on the ice. He gets up with burning cheeks, shame and frustration burning inside of him, and he's careful to avoid Taeyong's gaze as he continues through the program. He works through the rest of it, careful on his step sequence at the end, but he's almost reluctant to finish.

Rather than heading over to Taeyong straight away, he shakes his head out, bends his legs up to stretch out his calves, and goes for a couple of laps. He feels jittery, shaken after the loop attempt, and he's less confident now than ever. Mark's music starts, though Donghyuck makes the conscious decision to look away.

He walks through the loop jump again, doing a single, and then a double, but he doesn't go for any more rotations than that. Eventually, he goes back over to Taeyong because he needs a drink of water, and he's hoping Mark's program will be enough to distract him.

No such luck. Taeyong looks over at him sharply.

"You're not listening to me," Taeyong says quietly but with warning. "Go for one more lap, cool down, and then get off. Don't overthink it, I’m not mad. I get it. But you need to take it easy."

Donghyuck pulls a face as he drinks from his water bottle, feeling scolded and small, but he does as he's told. He takes the cool down lap slowly, letting himself bend down in his knees and carve out his edges, trying to get himself to calm down. He snaps his arms into the take off and pull-in position a couple of times, drilling into himself about his shoulder being in the correct place, but he comes back around and finishes the lap and knows it's time to give it up.

He takes his items from the barrier and steps off the ice, putting his guards back on his blades. Taeyong pats his back as he gets off, but he doesn't walk with Donghyuck as Mark is still on the ice, finishing up his program. He sees Jaemin push up from the wall, but he avoids his gaze, and walks through the arena until he gets back to the changeroom. He knows Jaemin is following him, though he's silent, and remains that way as he sits down beside Donghyuck again on the bench.

Donghyuck goes to pull out his phone after he's mostly done unlacing his skates, but Jaemin tuts, making a noise for the first time since Donghyuck stepped off the ice.

"No. Pass it here," Jaemin says, holding out his hand.

Donghyuck frowns at him and pulls his phone closer to his chest. "What? No."

"I know what accounts you follow, and considering how your practice went, I don't think it's going to do you any good spiralling by looking at the comments," Jaemin retorts. The reminder of his practice only makes him even more annoyed.

"I won't spiral," Donghyuck argues, shaking his head, his frustration burning hot and bright, having been lit so dangerously from the practice and his stupid, stupid fall. "Stop treating me like I'm a child."

"Stop acting like one then. You didn't listen to Taeyong. We all know this is unusual for you, and I understand you're frustrated. You know I understand that. But I also understand what you shouldn't be doing right now, and that includes going into the abyss of comments after that practice," Jaemin says. "So just... just listen to Taeyong and to me, because we're trying to help. You're not alone in this."

"What you're both doing to me is not helping," Donghyuck retorts, feeling petty. Jaemin rolls his eyes.

"Stop it, Donghyuck. You have eight hours until your division starts. Let's go back and rest, alright? Just forget about today's practice. You know that official practices never dictate the competition skate anyway."

Donghyuck pointedly doesn't reply, reaching down to tug down his laces and pull his boots off entirely. Jaemin takes the chance to slip his phone into his pocket, but Donghyuck decides not to argue it. It's frustrating, but he also does know he probably would have ended up scrolling through the media reports, reading all the reactions of Donghyuck having an unimpressive official practice, reading all the doubt that he'll be able to maintain or go any higher than his position.

He is annoyed that Jaemin knows it too, so he takes out his frustration as he dries off his blades roughly, chucking his towel back in his bag. Taeyong and Mark walk into the changeroom, and he shares a smile with Mark — they're competitors, but they're still best friends, and even Donghyuck's shitty mindset isn't going to change that. Mark shoots him a thumbs-up, and Donghyuck returns his own.

Taeyong comes over to him, poking him in the forehead, able to pay more attention to him now.

"You," he says, though he sounds exasperated more than annoyed.

Donghyuck winces. "Yeah, I know. Shouldn't have done that loop."

Taeyong sighs. "Can't be helped now."

"My shoulder was out," Donghyuck says.

"It was," Taeyong confirms. "You know what happened and how to fix it. You've got this, Hyuckie. Just go rest and gain back some confidence in yourself, okay? Your spins looked good. Your steps were great in the run-through. And your quad sal was nice too. Don't let the one jump upset you."

"Yeah," Donghyuck nods. "Yeah, okay. Thanks."

"See you here in eight hours," Taeyong says, and then he looks to Jaemin. "Make sure he actually rests."

"I will," Jaemin swears, putting his hand on Donghyuck's shoulder.

"See you later, Taeyongie," Donghyuck waves, and heads out of the building. He's eager to leave the rink and this entire practice behind.

There are a couple of media presences around the halls, and Jaemin steers him around them without being noticed. Donghyuck is glad for it, because they undoubtedly would have pulled Jaemin into their questioning as well.

"How'd Sungchan and Minjeong go this morning?" Donghyuck asks, eager to divert Jaemin from bringing up anything about his own practice. The pairs couple had their practice even earlier than Donghyuck this morning, and their event starts in about three hours.

"They looked strong," Jaemin replies. "I think their mistake in the short might've cost them the podium, but they can come up a bit."

Donghyuck nods. Actually, he decides, he doesn't want to hear anything about this competition anymore. He doesn’t want to hear about scores and podiums or any of it. Jaemin keeps his lips pressed together like he knows it too.

They head from the arena and to the hotel. Jaemin will have to leave soon to get Sungchan and Minjeong to the arena again, but he still follows Donghyuck up to his floor and to his room.

"Can I have my phone back?" Donghyuck asks. Jaemin's mouth twists, and Donghyuck sighs. "I'll keep it on airplane mode. I just need some music."

Jaemin passes it back over. "Donghyuckie, I'm serious. Don't go searching for comments. Wind down, have a nap, and eat something. Relax."

"I'll do my best," Donghyuck mutters, flipping his phone between his hands.

Jaemin sighs. "Baby."

"It's— you should go. You should eat something before you go back to the rink," Donghyuck says.

Jaemin makes a mildly upset noise, and he definitely has more to say, but Donghyuck shifts on his feet and wants out of the conversation. Jaemin relents. "Okay. Okay. Just— please try and relax. Eat the meal in your fridge."

He leans over and kisses Donghyuck's forehead, and then he heads down the hotel hallway. Donghyuck drops his skating bag on the floor of his hotel room and goes to wash up and change out of his practice clothes. He'll have to change into his costume in about seven hours, but that's really the only preparation he'll need to do in here.

He stretches out his muscles, has a shower, and climbs into the hotel bed. He's tired after everything, which is a relief, as it's not hard to fall asleep. He sets his alarm for a couple of hours later, which means he won't sleep too long, but it'll definitely help him feel more rested.

When he wakes up again, he still has about five more hours until he has to start getting ready, and that's where the anxiety starts to come back in. He tries to keep himself in bed, flipping through the TV channels, but his mind refuses to focus on any of it. He can only think about the fact that his best still might not be enough to beat Mark, and that's only if he skates that well.

His loop is throwing him. He just isn't confident he's going to be able to do it tonight when he needs it most.

He jumps out of bed and paces, his thoughts going in circles, and his stomach fluttering with nerves. He's had the feeling a couple of times before competitions like this, but it's never quite been to this extent. He's never quite ever had his confidence shaken like this before, with so many doubts going into a program.

Time passes slowly and quickly all at once. He goes online to check the scores for pairs, and if the competition is running late by any means, but it's all going on time and Sungchan and Minjeong have only just skated — their score seems high, and it looks like they'll climb up the ranks as well, just like Jaemin said. He's quick to shut himself out from the internet when he feels tempted to go any further than that.

He puts on music and sings along, but then ends up switching to his program music, running through his program so much earlier than he ever usually does. But he's usually just not ever this stressed, and he's starting to panic about the strangest things, like panicking that he'll forget something, part of the program, and he'll lose it all.

He walks through the movements, letting his muscle memory work, reassuring himself that he knows this program, that nothing like that is going to happen. He can do this program in his goddamn sleep. It'll be fine, and he knows it. He's just having a tough time believing in it right now.

Soon enough, the hours count down until he needs to start actually getting ready. Sungchan and Minjeong climb up in their results — close to the podium, but just falling a couple of positions short. Still, it's a remarkable comeback, and they'll be getting a small medal for placing third overall in the free skate. He's happy for them, though his own heart is starting to pound now.

He goes to the bathroom to wash up and starts styling back his hair. He can feel Jaemin nagging him in his ears, as he'll sometimes come help Donghyuck style it before competitions, but Jaemin's still at the rink and is going to be there until the event concludes, so Donghyuck is alone.

Donghyuck lets out a long breath, trying to consciously keep himself calm. His stomach is turning so he doesn't feel hungry, but he knows he needs the energy, so he pulls out one of the meals that Jaemin has given him from the mini-fridge and heats it in the microwave. He forces himself to eat it slowly, sipping at his drink between each bite.

He's really not used to this nervous energy and he hates it. There's no one around to distract him either, though that might be for the best, as he knows he wouldn't really like anyone seeing him in this state either.

He puts on his costume, makes sure to grab his team Korea jacket, as well as his skate bag. He heads out from the hotel, consciously keeping track of each breath. He double and triple-checks the time, but the competition is running smoothly, and he'll arrive on time, exactly when he needs to.

He gets ushered through the backstage of the arena. The event is just starting, and Taeyong has another couple of skaters in these groups, so it'll be a while before Donghyuck actually has his attention. It's a little too early to properly start warming up, so Donghyuck sits and waits, putting his earphones in and focusing on his music.

Taeyong passes him at one stage, giving him a wave and a thumbs-up, and Donghyuck waves in return. Mark comes in as well, and Donghyuck holds out his fist for a fist-bump as he passes by, but Mark isn't the kind who likes to talk before a competition, and right now, neither is Donghyuck, so they don’t really say anything between each other.

The first group finishes. Donghyuck pulls out one of his earphones to listen to the announcements, making sure they're onto the next group before he puts his earphone back. It'll be this group, and ice resurface, and then another group before his own. He starts warming up once this group is halfway through, slowly stretching out and warming his muscles back up.

He's feeling a lot better after his nap, though a little sluggish, which is soon to fade away as his heart-rate starts to pick up again as his nerves start up. It's getting closer and closer, and Donghyuck usually doesn't really mind the waiting. It's annoying if nothing else, as he usually just wants to get out there and compete, but now he hates it because he's not sure if he wants to go out there right now. He's not sure he can skate as well as he wants to, as well as he needs to.

His muscles feel okay though, his rotation okay as he jumps off the ice. When the ice resurface begins, Jaemin walks into the warm-up area, heading straight over for Donghyuck. Donghyuck pulls out one of his earphones again, having been half-way through walking his program.

"You look nice," Jaemin says, nodding over Donghyuck's appearance.

"I look the same as every other competition where I've used this costume, but thanks," Donghyuck replies.

Jaemin huffs. "And you always look nice, but fine. You look rested. It's good. How're you feeling?"

Donghyuck shakes out his hands, deciding to be honest. "I don't know. Weird. Nervous."

Jaemin raises his eyebrows. He looks around, catching the camera in the warm-up room, which some services will cut to. Donghyuck knows some definitely will, especially with Jaemin now in the room as well.

"Come on, there's another spot you can warm-up," Jaemin says, gesturing for Donghyuck to follow him. Donghyuck will put his skates on when the next group is a couple of skaters in, so they have maybe half an hour before that, and Donghyuck's kind of dreading it.

Jaemin leads him down hallways, out of the sight of other cameras, until he comes to a more private room. He gestures for Donghyuck to go inside, and Donghyuck does, still making sure to keep his muscles going. Jaemin stands at the doorway while Donghyuck tries to stay in his zone, walking through his program again — skipping parts to go back over the entry of the loop, making sure he drills into himself about his shoulders.

He hears the start of the next division begin, and he lets out a long breath. He puts his earphones back in, and Jaemin checks his phone and then back out the hallway, and Donghyuck walks through his program once more.

Even with his earphones in, even mimicking his own program, he still hears the loud ruckus and cheers for the skater that just finished. He always tries to avoid the scores of the previous skaters, as it never does anything for him to hear it — even when his mentality is stronger, it's a good way to psych out someone, and he's always, always just avoided it. But now, he pulls out his earphones, and his heart sinks as the cheers continue.

Jaemin turns his head back to him, and his eyes widen as he sees Donghyuck frozen, earphones pulled away. He hurries across the room and slaps his hands across Donghyuck's ears.

"What are you doing?" He asks, a little frantic. "Just— what's going on with you?"

Donghyuck puts his fingers around Jaemin's wrists and tugs his hands down. The cheers are dying down, and Donghyuck can't take back hearing it. The announcement should be muffled enough that he won't hear the actual numbers of the score anyway.

"It's alright," Donghyuck says.

Jaemin shakes his head, fingers curling into his palms. "You're nervous. Why?"

Donghyuck shakes his head, unwilling to share. "I don't know."

Jaemin's eyebrows furrow. "You've never been like this. You've competed against Mark plenty."

"It's not about Mark," Donghyuck replies quietly. "It's... it's just me."

Jaemin narrows his eyes. "No. It's something else, right?"

Donghyuck swallows thickly. "It's not."

He whispers it, hardly convincing, and finds he has to look away from Jaemin's gaze.

"Is it me?" Jaemin whispers.

Donghyuck's tongue darts out to lick his lower lip, and he lets go of Jaemin's wrists, letting his hands fall. "We should get going."

"Donghyuck. You— there's no reason to be nervous because of me," Jaemin says, concerned.

"It's not— let's just drop it, okay? I'm just off because of the loop. That's all," Donghyuck replies.

"That's not it at all," Jaemin retorts, not letting it go so easily. It's making Donghyuck feel worse, his emotions messier, and he doesn't want to deal with it right now.

"Jaemin. I need to go put my skates on," Donghyuck pushes past him and heads to the changeroom. They pass by too many people, and Jaemin can't bring it up in front of them all, so he stays with Donghyuck, but he's now put a bit of distance between them, not sitting as close. He's clearly worried about Donghyuck's words, and now he's overthinking if he should be here at all.

Donghyuck sighs and ties up his skates, trying to pull his mentality together. Taeyong comes into the changeroom once his last skater from the group is done, and soon enough, he's leading them out for the official six-minute warm up.

Taeyong pats him on the back, reminding him it'll be fine, he can rely on his muscle memory to come through, and to take the warm-up easy. Jaemin comes out with them, but he stays back from the barrier again. Donghyuck keeps his legs warm, bending his ankles in his boots as the lights dim and the cameras begin to focus on them. And then they're called out on the ice, and they line up in order across the ice, waiting for their names to be called and for the lights to shine on them so they can greet the audience. The cheers are loud and roar up when Donghyuck is announced, and he lets a small smile cross his face, but he can tell he's tense, and he's sure it's visible too.

He skates around for a lap, and then goes through his step sequence. He's mindful of Taeyong's words, but even as he goes down for his more usually reliable quad salchow, he pops out into a double. Frustration rises, he goes around again, and it's a little more successful, but he can tell he's pulling his focus in by a measly thread that's ready to snap.

The six minutes goes quickly. Already, Donghyuck is ushered off the ice, and the first skater is waiting by the barrier. Taeyong hands him his blade guards, and Donghyuck puts them on, moving into the backstage area again. He skates fifth, so he has about just over half an hour until he's back on the ice.

His skates feel good, so he decides to leave them on for now. He keeps walking around, and Taeyong comes over to him, checking on him. He raps his knuckles against Donghyuck’s forehead.

"Stop overthinking this, kiddo. You got this," Taeyong reassures.

Donghyuck nods, easing up just a little, but hardly far from enough. Taeyong can tell, because his expression twists. Jaemin wanders down the hall again, and he heads over to Donghyuck.

"You mind if I take him?" Jaemin asks Taeyong.

Taeyong sighs, running a hand down his face, as he mutters to himself. "I've never... yeah. Yeah, go ahead. May as well try anything."

Donghyuck sticks his tongue out at Taeyong, but lets himself get pulled down the hallway by Jaemin.

"I do not think this is the best time to talk about this," Donghyuck points out, gesturing down the hall.

"I think it's the perfect time," Jaemin says. "You are acting strange. May as well change things up."

"I don't think this is the way to go about it," Donghyuck refutes, but it's weak.

Jaemin shrugs. "Let's see, then. Because apparently I'm the reason you might be like this, huh?"

"It's not— it's not that. It's nothing you can do," Donghyuck says.

"Then what is it?" Jaemin presses. "I've never seen you like this."

"Because it's just different."

"What is?"

"Everything. I don't know. All this. You. Us."

"You promised this wasn't going to be an issue," Jaemin says, wagging a finger at him. "Donghyuckie, you promised. You should have told me that it was."

"I didn't think it would be! But then I just... I heard the media asking you questions, and... I don't know. Your technical base value was always higher. Your quad lutz in the second half was literally your signature. You could beat Mark, even two years later, with that kind of layout. And I won't be able to do that with my current base values. I guess I just... I've been thinking about that. About what the media thinks. And if I mess this all up, and... and if we ever reveal our relationship, then... they'll blame us. They'll blame you. And they'll hate you for quitting and for being with me and it's all just... I don't know."

Somewhere along the line, Donghyuck's eyes watered over. He's not sure when or why. But it's just everything kind of coming to a head, the emotional turbulence he's been feeling the past couple of days, the weird kind of nerves he still doesn't quite know how to handle.

Jaemin's expression morphs into one of physical shock. It's so expressive, so uncontrolled, that it almost makes Donghyuck laugh. He's never quite been able to take Jaemin by surprise like this before.

"You've been worried about me? This whole time, you're nervous because of what the media will think about me?" Jaemin asks, aghast.

Donghyuck does laugh this time, and it's watery and weak. "I guess so."

Jaemin coughs. "You— you're ridiculous. That's so... you're so stupid, Donghyuck Lee. You're the stupidest boy I've ever met."

Donghyuck shrugs. He's starting to feel embarrassed for his emotional outburst, and he wipes his eyes roughly with the sleeve of his jacket. "Yep. That's me."

Taeyong steps into the room. "Donghyuck. Time to go."

He looks worried about Donghyuck's state, eyes flicking between Jaemin and Donghyuck. Donghyuck takes in a deep breath, wipes his eyes one last time, and steps past Jaemin.

"Donghyuck-"

"Jaemin. It's alright," Donghyuck reassures. At least he feels calmer now, like his emotions have just released, and all those nerves have kind of melted away after talking to Jaemin. Their whole conversation feels absolutely ridiculous, and he finds his mind lingering on that rather than anything else.

He doesn't even really register it as the skater before Donghyuck finishes up, and he's being ushered onto the ice. Taeyong leans against the barrier, getting his attention. Jaemin does step up this time, intent on taking his guards and tissue box, as Taeyong will need to stay at the entry gate to get Mark on the ice.

Donghyuck's eyes flicker over to him, and he can see the way Jaemin is still wearing that shock clearly on his face, not having recovered even in time for the cameras. It's amusing. It's cute.

"Hey. Trust yourself," Taeyong says, bringing his attention back. "You've got this. Relax. Deep breath."

Donghyuck follows the instruction, and finds that he feels okay. He feels settled, actually. Less nervous than he's felt this entire competition, suddenly.

His name is called, Taeyong pats his cheek, not able to ruffle his hair because of the product in it, and then taps his hand down on the barrier twice, his own little customary send-off for his skaters.

Donghyuck glides, opening his arms out, presenting to the judges and the crowd. He can register that the crowd are cheering, but he's also not quite paying attention now. He's just thinking of Jaemin's surprised face, the way he'd panicked at the sight of Donghyuck's tears, and finds he can't quite smother his smile as he gets into his starting position.

You're the stupidest boy I've ever met, Jaemin had said, with the clear adoration dripping like saccharine from his tone.

Donghyuck's opening quad salchow combination is smooth. Easy. He's hardly thinking about it, actually. The rest of his jumps pass like that — except on his quad loop, the jump he's most nervous about. It's not the best, but it's not as bad as he'd been fearing it to be all goddamn week. The landing just involves a small turn out, and he thinks hm. Hm. Not the worst thing to happen, but he's just left behind a couple of points.

He wants to win. He wants it more than anything, really.

But— he wants Jaemin. And he wants to see that kind of surprise on Jaemin's features again.

He thinks about it in one of his spins when he has a moment to breathe. He has two jumping passes to go. One is his triple lutz, triple toe combination.

The idea sparks in the back of his mind, and he thinks oh. This could work.

He doesn't feel as tired as he usually does. He's got adrenaline coursing through him, but it's not pushing him harder and faster and causing him to be out of breath. He's been calm for most of this skate, and he's got some reserved energy now.

He'll need more speed than he usually does. He can do a triple lutz with less speed than usual, and Doyoung has purposely put some difficult transitions into the jump entry, but he's going to have to leave them behind if he wants to do this.

He's going for the quad lutz. He's going for it in combination. A quad-double is worth almost two points higher than a triple-triple.

He's done a quad lutz once already as a solo jump earlier in the program, and he needs this to be in combination. So he just needs to do it.

It's a huge, huge risk. He hasn't trained properly for this.

But he thinks about the surprise on Jaemin's face, and he thinks it's going to be worth it. No matter what, the attempt is going to be worth it, points be damned. He doesn't just want the only surprise he's ever managed to give Jaemin be about the fact he cried.

He comes out of the spin, and he thinks now or never. He has to change out some of his transitions, just focused on getting the power and speed he needs for the quad take-off.

He jumps up. It feels good, solid. He lands — a little forward, but nothing he can't put a double toe onto, and that's what he does. He feels the grin across his face, and the surprised uproar from the crowd rises to his ears, and he lets it fuel him through his last element. His step sequence. He's tired, legs starting to burn now, but he's too excited. The crowd cheers him along, with him at every step, every edge, right until the finishing pose.

Donghyuck stretches his arm out, holding his fingers in the way that Doyoung has been drilling into him for weeks now until he started to do it subconsciously.

It's a good thing he did. Donghyuck isn't thinking about his fingers right now. His thoughts are a mix of holy shit, holy shit, did I just do that? Did I actually land that lutz? Is it going to be enough? Oh god. What's Doyoung going to think? I changed his choreography around for that jump. He's going to kill me, actually. Taeyong's surely losing his mind though. And— Jaemin.

What's Jaemin going to think?

He holds his ending position for a couple of seconds, trying to get some breath back into his lungs, not even focused on staring down the judges like he usually does at the end of a program. His thoughts are too wild, his heartbeat too loud and pounding so fast in his ears. His eyes scan around the arena, trying to search for Jaemin at the stands, but his vision isn't clear. He feels disorientated, like he isn't sure which ends are where inside of this rink suddenly.

The crowd is still cheering, and Donghyuck pulls his arm back into himself, his body suddenly feeling like it's somewhere else. He skates to the middle of the ice and opens his arms up and dips down, bowing to the judges, the crowd's cheers all rising in volume whenever Donghyuck turns and bows around the rink. But they seem muted, and he can't quite soak in the atmosphere like he usually does after a good skate.

He's still searching for Jaemin, trying to catch him walking around from the entry barrier gate to the exit gate, but he can't see him in time. He sees Taeyong at the gate, raising his hands in a what the fuck kind of gesture when Mark turns his back to him for a second, and Donghyuck snorts and grins at him.

Finally, turning to the gate he has to exit out of, he sees Jaemin standing there. Jaemin has his face covered by Donghyuck's items, holding them up to shield his expression away from the crowd and the cameras.

Donghyuck skates over to him, and he's still smiling, excited about what he'd done, but he's nervous now. He took a big, big gamble with that jump. He probably scared the hell out of Jaemin for making it up right there in the middle of the program.

He's almost about to apologise when he gets close enough to the gate, except then Jaemin's dropping the items to the ground and opening up his empty arms, and Donghyuck just laughs and launches himself out of the gate. Jaemin's arms wrap around him, and even with his skates on, Jaemin lifts him up and spins him around, his laughter loud and bright. Donghyuck's laughing too, a distant thought making sure that he keeps his legs up so that his uncovered blades don't hit Jaemin on accident.

Jaemin puts him down, and Donghyuck is about to bend down to retrieve his blade guards, but then suddenly is Jaemin is cupping his cheeks and pulling him into a kiss. Donghyuck's so shocked that he's frozen for a second, but then he lets his eyes close and he kisses back. Jaemin pulls back with a wide grin, eyes darting over Donghyuck's face like he's trying to commit his expression to memory.

Donghyuck is concerned for a moment, knowing Jaemin has just revealed everything, but Jaemin's expression is so happy that Donghyuck feels the same. Jaemin kisses him again, a quick peck on his lips, not quite willing to let him go just yet.

This is Jaemin telling him he doesn't care about the media. This is Jaemin wanting everyone to know.

The crowd is in an uproar, cheering and yelling happily. Donghyuck knows the cameras would have cut away to the replay of his program, going through some of his elements in slow-motion, but it seems like the whole arena has been watching Jaemin and Donghyuck.

"It was the only thing I could think of to surprise you in return," Jaemin admits.

Donghyuck laughs. "It worked."

Jaemin lets go of him to bend down and pick up the items he dropped, passing them over to Donghyuck and standing as a solid post for Donghyuck to hold onto while he slides his guards back onto his blades. Jaemin takes his hand and leads him over to the kiss and cry bench, where they catch the tail-end of Donghyuck's replay. It's his ending pose, his fingers stretched to the camera, his grin clear in high quality.

Jaemin puts Donghyuck's jacket over his shoulders, and Donghyuck slips his arms through the sleeves. Donghyuck waves to the cameras, but in the screen showing the current camera, he can see Jaemin staring at him with a fond, bright smile. It makes him fluster, and he looks to the side to give Jaemin a questioning look, but then Jaemin leans over and kisses his forehead.

The crowd roars in excitement again, though Donghyuck is quick to turn and gesture for them to calm down, pointing out Mark on the ice. They do hush, but Donghyuck can still sense the excited energy in the energy.

And then it all falls silent while Donghyuck waits for his score.

It comes up at the bottom. He stares at it uncomprehendingly for a couple of moments.

And then Jaemin is wrapping him into his arms, swaying him back and forth in his excitement, and Donghyuck is still staring at the screen, unable to believe the score he sees. He's three points above his personal best. He's just covered that distance and gained some. He's sitting in first, just waiting on Mark's result.

Even if— even if Mark skates clean, Donghyuck might just take the title.

Donghyuck might have just won.

His mouth drops open as it hits. The crowd cheers again.

"My stubborn, ridiculous, stupid, incredible baby," Jaemin whispers into his ear, still swaying him back and forth.

Donghyuck, overwhelmed, grabs the back of Jaemin's coat and pulls himself into Jaemin's shoulders, taking in shuddering breaths. Jaemin laughs, patting his back.

"I'm ridiculous?" Donghyuck rasps out, pulling back from Jaemin's shoulder.

Jaemin grins down at him, like there's no one else in the world for him to see again. "Yes. You are. I love you."

"I love you," Donghyuck says.

Mark's name is called. Jaemin takes his hand and pulls him away from the kiss and cry, but not too far, as they both want to watch and cheer for Mark.

Donghyuck claps and cheers and hollers for Mark, heart still pounding so, so happily.

He doesn't care about the result right now. Even if Mark pulls it out and takes the title, he finds he doesn't care about that. All that matters is Jaemin right beside him, with that smile on his face, and his public declaration in front of the entire community.

Ridiculous indeed.