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People always say you're bound to fall in love. Every person has to do so at some point in their life, right? You fall in love, you express that love, and so on. That's what everyone is supposed to do. If you don't fall in love, then you're not human. And yet for some reason, Warly could never do that.
When he was a teenager, he assumed that maybe it'll just take a while to get these feelings. Maybe when he got older things would change and get better. But no, he still felt nothing. If there is anything, it's more of a repulsive feeling at the concept. It remained that way as the years went on. Then he assumed that maybe he just wasn't attracted to women. That must be it, what else could it be? But that didn't change anything. He still felt the same thing no matter who was in that role. Just nothing.
It wasn't being in love that was the problem. He wouldn't mind spending the rest of his life with someone he cared about. After all, he didn’t like the idea of being alone for so long in his life. He'd like to have someone by his side. But there was more to it though, as there was that one part of it that made things complicated. The one thing everyone in a relationship wants for some reason. The one thing that Warly really didn't want and wished he could leave out. The intimacy and tension that always led to a certain act, one that made him sick just at the idea of being involved in it. Sometimes even saying it is enough to make him uncomfortable, even if does sound childish to admit it. It wasn't just the fact he couldn't feel any attraction towards that, it was more just how horrible it sounded. Why would people even like that stuff, it just sounds unpleasant. He felt disgusted even thinking about it or bringing it up at times just because he didn't want to be anywhere near it.
He didn't even know how he can explain it. Because Warly knows people won't get it. He's never had the conversations, but he can already tell what it would lead it. You just haven't met the right person. Just do it and you'll get used to it sooner or later. You're just pretending or something. Just suck it up and do it for them, you're a horrible husband if you don't give them that. That must mean you don't love them... Whatever it is they'll say, Warly knows it won't be something he'd want to hear. Because that's just a part of the package. If you don't give them that intimacy, then clearly you aren't in love.
It will always lead back to that. No matter what, it won't work out because he can never give them that. So why bother finding someone then?
Warly came to terms with it after some time, even if it hurt to admit it. He didn't know what this was, or why he was like this. Chances are he may never know. He must be broken then, end of the story. There was nothing he could do to fix this, and he refused to just bury that feeling down for the sake of someone else. At least there wasn't much of his family left to be questioning him on why he doesn't have a wife or any kids. If he can't figure it out, there's no way he can explain it to someone else. Maybe he's just bound to be alone then, even if it is one of his biggest fears. No matter what, there was nothing to be done and it didn't seem possible that he could avoid it if he was in a relationship. So why bother getting involved when they'll just leave when they find out he can never give them that?
There's nothing else to it. I feel nothing. I'm just broken.
●●●
Years went on, and those thoughts remained at the back of his head, buried away so he wouldn't be questioning himself all the time. Warly felt no need to keep thinking about it, it'll only make him more upset and confused. And it’s clear he wouldn’t be getting an answer. At least he was busy enough to keep his mind off it. Work was a great distraction for both his anxiety and those questions. When his maman fell ill, he was more focused on her well-being than his own. And now out here in the Constant, he can't afford to stop for a second and think about it when he's too busy fighting for survival. Who knew that in all the chaos it would be helpful for one thing? But then, there are others here.
He didn't mind the other survivors, if anything it was nice to have company again. His anxiety got a bit better around them and knowing that all of them are strange, made him feel almost at home. Despite the hellhole they were all in, these strangers ended up becoming almost like family to one another. And some of them didn't even have a family before this. However, there are times when survivors would talk about their previous lives. Of course, not every little detail was shared. But others have learned to put together the pieces. Willow's never spoken about her childhood, but many already knew she was an orphan with a horrible upbringing. WX-78 always talks about conquest but the way they see life makes others speculate if there was more of a human side to the robot than they would rather admit. Point is, people here were smart and able to figure out each other. Sometimes people didn't mind. But some things were touchy subjects. Ones that were best not to ask more about. Warly had two. His mom, and romantic relationships. Some figured out the first thing after a few months. But it wasn't until one night that the second one became clear to a select few.
Some of the survivors, Warly included, were still up and about even though it was late at night. Wickerbottom and Maxwell never slept much, so it was no surprise to see them sitting by the campfire with their books. Woodie was tending to the fire, tossing some sticks in as Winona watched him work. Wilson was there, doing some weird science invention that would probably ten minutes to explain. And then there was Warly, cleaning out his crock pot so it can be used again in the morning.
Usually, when groups sat out during the night, they would chat. Tonight Woodie, Winona, and Wilson were the ones carrying the conversation. Wickerbottom would jump in every so often, and Maxwell would only talk when correcting the rambling scientist in a sarcastic tone. It was common to switch up topics every so often to make things interesting, as they never kept talking about one thing for long. However, for some twisted reason, the conversation kept on one specific topic of their previous lives. The one thing Warly didn't want to hear about.
"I'm not surprised that you of all people have never been in a relationship Higgsbury," Maxwell snapped back as he tried to hide a grin. "I could tell that right away when I first met you through that radio. Tell me, did you scare them off with your science facts?"
Wilson scoffed, not as offended as people would assume with a question like that. "Like you're one to talk. I'm still surprised you actually got someone at some point. Who knows? Maybe she just pitied you." Winona chuckled hearing that.
Maxwell's smile was more noticeable now as he almost laughed, "What? Jealous I got game? That I am more of a gentleman than you? Maybe if you stop stuffing food in your beard you'd actually get a woman."
"It's scientific! I have my reasons!" Wilson turned back to Winona as he continued, "Come on you have to agree with me on this. How did he get with your sister?!"
The handywoman shrugged, "Beats me. I agree with you on that at least. I have no clue what Charlie saw in this lunatic." Immediately after, Wilson laughed while pointing at Maxwell, giving a told ya look to the former king. "But hey, I don't even know what she saw when it came to any of the previous men in her life."
Woodie hopped back into the discussion as he broke some twigs in half with ease. "You never got into that stuff Winona?" He asked while throwing the twigs into the fire. "Never had someone in your life?"
"Let's just say, men, aren't exactly my interest." The clearing grew silent after she said that. Almost as if everyone was thinking for a moment, taking in what she said. All that could be heard was the crackling of the campfire until Winona spoke again. "...You better not be havin' a problem with that now," her voice turned stern as she spoke. But everyone reassured her immediately that there wasn't an issue.
"God no," Maxwell answered back quickly. "Listen I may have been a bad person to some of you, but I'm not that diabolical. And besides, I get that in a way. I've had my fair share with both men and women believe it or not." After he said that, there were some mumbles of agreement in the group. It felt weird to Warly to see people like this. Maybe he's just not used to how accepting everyone is out here compared to back home. It didn't matter though, maybe now the conversation will move on to something else. The last thing he needs is to have to answer something related to it.
Woodie stepped away from the fire to sit back down, Lucy by his side as he spoke, "Do what makes you happy. That’s what Lucy says. Did ya have anyone back home then?"
"Sort of," she answered back with a small smile. "Had this thing with a girl named Genny. Hope she's doin' alright though."
"I hope so too," Wickerbottom finally said something even if she was looking down at her book the entire time. "I'm sure she was lucky to have someone so skilled. Relationships like that can be tricky considering some people. But rest assured, if anyone here dares to say something-"
Winona laughed again, "Don't worry too much ma'am. If anyone ever had any issue with it, I know how to get them to shut up." A few more laughs followed as the conversation continued. “And besides, people here are much better than back home. Sure you all agree with me on that.”
Warly didn't know why this was weird to him. This should be a comforting thing to hear right? And yet, he can't relate to a lot of what Winona and Maxwell said. Weirdly, he sort of envied what they had. Confidence, having an understanding. He wished he not only knew what he was but could take pride in it as well. He just couldn't help but hate himself for being like this. It doesn't matter. Just stop thinking about it and move on-
"You've been quiet all evening," Winona said to him at the worst time possible. She inched a bit closer to him as the conversation continued outside of their bubble. "What? Got nothing to say?"
"Yep." That was all Warly wanted to say. And he hoped it would be enough to put an end to the upcoming conversation involving him. But fate just had to be cruel this evening.
She seemed friendly though while continuing, "Aww come on, surely you got something on your mind. What with all this talk of romance and partners? I know you had your mom but did you have any other special person in your life? A special someone…?"
Warly knew exactly what she was implying right away. And he quickly shut her down. "There's no one." He silently prayed it would be enough.
"Really? Never even thought about pursuing someone? You gotta have someone.”
"No."
She started to whisper as not to drag the others involved, "Is it cause you're into guys or something? It's okay if you are, you don't have to come out. But you know, people here are more accepting than-“
"It's not that!" He cut her off immediately while trying not to raise his voice too loud. "I don't know what I am. I don't feel anything, regardless of who that person is. I'm just nothing. And that's all I ever will be."
She finally got the hint. Winona gave a silent nod before turning her attention back to the others. She looked concerned for him, and he only avoided her look at watched the others. Wilson and Maxwell were arguing about something small again. Woodie and Wickerbottom were watching in silence, probably to see who would win this time. And Warly, he didn't know what to do. He could have said what was on his mind. Winona meant well in the end, she just wanted to let him know it was a safe place. She was always known to be pretty blunt after all. And deep down he wished he could find a way to say it, even if he didn't know how. Or more importantly, if anyone could even understand that. In the end, he still couldn't help but feel ashamed of who he was. He shouldn't be like this. He shouldn't be broken.
Grabbing his gear, he got from his spot, said goodnight to the group, and walked back to his tent. Another lonely night alone with questions was waiting for him...