Chapter Text
CHAPTER 1 (right there where you left me)
Chifuyu was glad he did it through the phone.
Or else he wouldn’t be able to stand the silence without breaking into tears.
But he promised himself this: this is my last time trying. The last chance of his heart.
From now on, only God knows when he will be able to see Baji again.
But he had to do it, or else he would never move on from this feeling.
(Not that he feels like he will ever be able to.)
"You don't have to say anything," Chifuyu breaks the silence before it breaks him.
"I'm sorry," It’s all Baji has to say.
The fucking irony.
It’s not the first time Baji has said those words to him. The difference is that now it’s something Chifuyu can forgive, because there’s nothing to forgive.
It is what it is.
Rejection.
Painful, but expected, rejection.
Chifuyu knew this was coming, he can like to himself, but knowing doesn't stop his heart from breaking in a thousand pieces that he felt like he is never going to put it back in one piece again and also doesn’t stop his throat from burning, much less stops his tears to fall.
Chifuyu felt like he was being torn apart.
"I can't," Keisuke tells him and Chifuyu doesn't know where he got the strength to still be holding that damn phone against his ear, "I'm so sorry, Chifuyu."
"I know" is Chifuyu's only answer, because he did know. He had always known.
He, not even once, deluded himself into thinking Keisuke would love him back like he wanted to.
That's the reason he waited until the last second to confess.
That's why he's doing this while waiting for his flight instead of doing it face to face like he should.
"I never expect you to love back, Baji-san,” The words manage to get out of his mouth, but he doesn’t know how, “My flight is about 10 minutes and I just didn't want to leave without telling you this. My reasons are purely selfish, I just want to give myself some peace."
Chifuyu is smiling at Baji even if he can’t see him right now. He hopes he can feel it thru the phone, his last smile for him as this.
"Fuyu- I'm sorry that I can't. Listen, I'm in the traffic but I'm about to-"
"You don't have to," I don't want you to see me like this .
"Just fucking listen to me this once. I'm coming to you just- Fuck. Hurry the fuck up, Draken! Look, I can't say it back right now, I’d be the shittiest boyfriend to you and- I have to take care of Kazutora…"
"I know, Baji-san. Kazutora. I'm not asking anything. I just- I just wanted you to know."
"Hey, uhm, I'm sorry I wasn't present those days, I know now you were trying to tell me and I'm sorry.-"
"It's ok. They are calling. I have to go."
"Fuck, Chifuyu. I'm almost there!"
"I can't wait anymore" He meant in so many ways, "Gonna miss you, Baji-san."
I already do.
"Please, I-"
Chifuyu didn't listen to what he said after that. He turned off the phone and went to the plane, he sat in those chairs and he still didn't listen to anything being said around him.
If the person sitting by his side talked to him, Chifuyu wouldn't know. If some steward talked to him, he didn't listen. If the plane was about to fall, then be it.
This was his first heartbreak and he felt like nothing would be as painful as this.
-
Back at the time, Kazutora had good days and bad days.
There were days where they would discuss and fight about the minimum things or just for Baji's attention and those are the days that were good. When Kazutora still felt and talked like Kazutora.
But there are days where Kazutora wouldn't talk to them, most especially he wouldn't talk to Chifuyu or everyone else. He would only listen to Baji and, well, Mikey. But he would just barely answer them, but he listened to commands, especially when it was Mikey's. He would eat, drink and take a shower whenever he was told to, but he simply wouldn't answer, like he wasn't there at all. In those days, Kazutora seemed more like a ghost of himself.
Those are the bad days, duh.
And soon enough Chifuyu realized he wasn't helping anyone by being there.
Earlier than anyone, Chifuyu figured that not even an army of men would save Kazutora from this, no matter how much Keisuke or Toman tried to, his friend needed professional help.
This is what Chifuyu suggested to him on one of the good days.
Wrong move.
Still. Kazutora dragged him to the ground and punched him in the face.
"I'm not fucking crazy, you stupid little bitch" Kazutora told him aggressively pushing him to the ground, that before Keisuke showed up and take him off Chifuyu.
Chifuyu had no problem in fighting Kazutora, but still, sometimes it felt like it was a game for him. Like Kazutora wanted him to do that and prove that Chifuyu couldn’t handle him.
Which wasn’t true at all. If the circumstances were different, Chifuyu always felt like they would be great friends.
But that wasn’t the case and Kazutora needed help.
"Let me fucking go, Baji. This little thing of yours just told I'm fucking crazy-" Chifuyu watched as Baji tried to hold Kazutora back.
"This wasn't not what I said" Chifuyu felt the need to say, to act on it. He wanted Baji to believe in him, but he knows he won’t win this fight.
"Ha! Just let me go and I'm gonna fucking teacher him a lesson!" Kazutora continues to fight in Baji’s arms and Chifuyu doesn’t say anything to calm him down.
What is left to say? I want to be friends with you, so let’s forget everything and start over? Fucking bullshit, no even Chifuyu would fall for those.
But still, it was one of the good days.
Good old days.
After this incident, Keisuke sat beside Chifuyu in the stairs of their apartment building and he asked him about it, about what Chifuyu had said to Kazutora. He feels like it is not worth the energy to explain himself to him, but he still tries to, because it’s Baji. And Chifuyu would really like to think that they had a connection.
"I wasn't trying to start a fight, I just-" Chifuyu is defensive.
"I figured that much,” Baji didn’t sound angry as he spoke, “plus I know how Kazutora can be. But I want to know, what did you tell him?"
Chifuyu takes a deep breath because it took him a lot of manga reading to have glue and even more books in the library for him to get to a final conclusion. He would say those things without being sure.
"I need you to be open minded,” Not the best way to start, but it’s what he has, “I really searched about his situation and the best I could find was in psychology books. I'm not saying he's crazy, but he does have a situation that would be better handled by a professional. I think that would genuinely help him."
Baji doesn't say much after this, like he is still trying to process what Chifuyu told him.
"Ah! I don't know many of these words. You didn't call him crazy, did you?" Chifuyu shakes his head, "You were trying to help. You searched'' This time Chifuyu nods his head in agreement "You sure those psitologicy stuff can help?"
"Psychology. Yes, definitely" Chifuyu confirms, he wants to help, he wants Kazutora to get better and he wants to help Baji.
"I will try then. It won't be easy but I will" Keisuke tells him.
For once, it wasn’t as hard as he expected. Baji also wanted to help Kazutora, so that was probably an option he hadn’t tried just yet. Chifuyu was glad he was considering it.
-
And Keisuke was right. It wasn't easy at all. It took months until Kazutora talked to Chifuyu again and it took two months until he decided to at least try to talk to a therapist.
Between this time, Keisuke had to make a choice. Or he would go to Kazutora or he would stay in Chifuyu, since Chifuyu always stayed with him.
It seemed like an easy choice for Keisuke to make.
So easy, it hurts.
Keisuke went to Kazutora. Which was fine, Chifuyu tried to tell himself, Kazutora needed him more. Fine. He was fine.
There were also those apologetical eyes Baji would always give him and he couldn’t say no. He would always look down and say something like "I'm sorry. It's Kazutora, I have to-"
It makes Chifuyu feel like he honestly wants to stay longer. To do more. But he can’t. Baji can’t stay and Chifuyu can’t fool himself.
So he would always smile at him and tell him to go to Kazutora. Because he knew. He knew that even if Keisuke stayed with him, his mind would still be worrying about Kazutora.
It happens frequently, even. Not just once or twice, but so many times that Chifuyu had to pick only a few to remember, because in his memory there isn't space for all of those times.
Three of them hurt especially more, coincidently they were one of the last ones before he went away.
In the snow.
Chifuyu didn’t like to remember this one, because it was cold. So fucking cold and he was alone waiting for Baji to get to him, but he never did.
On his birthday.
This one Chifuyu told him to go before he was able to cut the cake. Kazutora still wasn’t talking to him and he was in a good place at the time. Someone has to go and this someone has to be Baji.
Chifuyu wouldn’t blame him or anyone really.
He would never forgive himself if Baji didn’t go there.
But good intention or not, it doesn’t stop his heart from bleeding. He is only human after all.
And the last one, when he wanted to say goodbye.
Face to face, he meant.
Because he did say goodbye through the phone, but after years of thinking, he still thinks it was enough. He wanted to see Baji one last time and to say goodbye properly.
When he tried, because Chifuyu was nothing but a hopeful guy at the time, Baji said he would make it. That he would be there at time and that they would talk and watch tv shows and even share a peyoung yakisoba, it would be their last meal together in a while and Chifuyu was excited about it.
Because he would fly away to be a pilot and this was his last chance to tell Keisuke, to share this with him.
But Baji never made it.
He had to spend the night in Kazutora’s house because things weren't going well for him there.
And Chifuyu gets it.
He fucking do, but it still hurts to sleep that night.
-
Kazutora was a good boy with too many problems, neither of this was his fault and it would never be. Kazutora deserves to be happy more than anything and he deserves to have nice things and nice people around him, that's why Chifuyu would just leave him with the best he ever met. With Keisuke.
Because of this Chifuyu doesn't allow himself to resent Kazutora, not even for a second.
He can only hope he gets better while he is away.
-
Chifuyu never makes his way home. Never is a too strong word. So, it takes a while until Chifuyu makes his way home. Instead of this, part of home finds him years later.
Before that, Chifuyu decided to live his life the best he could. He had conquered the sky, after all and the whole world was a possibility.
He likes to travel and to meet new places, but he’s not so fond of meeting new people despite doing his best to pretend so.
For the time he is away from Japan, away from home, Chifuyu decided to try to fall in love with someone - anyone, really, but it doesn’t work like this. I can’t just press a button inside his heart and say ‘that one, I want to love them.’ It doesn’t work like that.
Which only means it doesn’t work.
In his time away, he has been a villain and a prince all at the same time.
He has been great and he has been the worst.
Chufuyu has been a good boyfriend for girls.
And a nice one for some guys.
But he can’t take out of his head that for Baji Keisuke all he was, was a friend and not even the best one.
-
After becoming something resembling a human being again, Chifuyu decides to have her time of freedom. Carpe diem. Cet's La Fucking Vie. La vita e Bella. Or whatever they want to call it. He didn't care, he couldn't make himself care.
The hardest part was not knowing and not asking, he didn't want to relapse. Because that's what it looked like, that he was in withdrawal and now almost cured of addiction, but that if he knew, any detail, all his effort would go down the drain. None of that would have been any good.
So Chifuyu made drinking buddies and bed buddies. It was no longer important to him to find someone special or anything like that, he already had, but- No. He won't talk about it.
It didn't matter anymore.
He also avoided returning to Japan. Which was a shame because his mother lived there, but whenever possible he bought tickets for her to go visit him - he got a discount for being a pilot and all that. So her mother visited him in different countries, he was happy to take her to see different places as she had never left Japan before.
His mother never mentioned him and Chifuyu was grateful for that, she should know. Although Chifuyu never told him what really happened, she must have known that he didn't talk to Baji anymore.
That his heart has broken and there’s nothing to be done to fix it.
Chifuyu also didn’t ask about him to Takemitch, when he remembers to call him, he never asks and never will. Whatever he’s up to, it doesn’t concern him anymore. Takemitch also doesn’t mention, which is probably a hard job since he’s talking about Toman’s members and for that, he’s graceful.
But Takemitch isn’t the only one he keeps contact with from there, no.
Like Chifuyu said, he had made two types of friends: the drinking buddies and the bed buddies.
Ryusei happens to be one of those.
-
Ryusei found Chifuyu in a bar. That was probably easy because ever since Chifuyu was legally allowed to drink in the country, he had already tasted almost every single drink available. The bars around the world have been his second home, because it didn’t matter the country, a bar was a bar and it had everything he needed.
But it was a damn fucking irony to find Ryusei there too.
Before Baji, Chifuyu could say Ryusei was the first one to actually hurt his feelings when he left Toman to follow Kojiro. Which was only fair, Kojiro has been friends with him since they were children.
Boys and their fucking childhood friends, he supposed, he couldn’t fight against that.
It wasn’t Chifuyu's intention to sound like a bitch about it, but anger was all he had left when the alcohol and his blood was mixed up.
“Fancy to see you here,” Ryusei said when he got the balls to talk to him after sending Chifuyu a drink.
“I didn’t expect to see you here, at all, '' Chifuyu empathizes.
He’s not in the mood, but when he really is? Most of his affairs are as uninteresting as he feels.
Ryusei still felt as easy going as he always was and handsome too, because Chifuyu may have, has, been in love with Baji, but he wasn’t blind, Ryusei was a good looking guy, everyone could see this.
“You disappeared.”
“Not enough as it seems,” Chifuyu says, already regretting playing this game.
The sound of Ryusei laughing must have echoed through the whole room.
And it was fake. Chifuyu still knew him that much.
“You look different.”
“I feel different too,” Chifuyu was getting bored already, or irritated. He didn’t know when it came to Ryusei, “What do you want to do?”
“I’m curious,” He said, “No one knows where you went or what you are doing, I just want to know how you are, I guess.”
“Doing fine, spread the word if you want to.”
“Do you want me to?” Do you want him to know? It is what Chifuyu hears.
And no, he doesn’t.
“Do as you wish” He brings the glass to his mouth. Pure whiskey.
The first time he tasted it, Chifuyu hated it, his throat felt like it was burning and it tasted terrible. Currently Chifuyu liked to think of Whiskey as an old buddy, it was always there when he needed it and better than anyone knew how it eased his pain - it was responsible for a fucked up back and made him feel like he had never been born, like every relationship that he already had.
Like he said, an old buddy.
Another good thing about whiskey is that this was not a drink to get you drunk, it was just to enjoy the alcohol content and the bitter aftertaste. The taste wasn't good at first, but like time, Chifuyu found some comfort in it.
But he never crossed the line, he couldn't afford that luxury. The job was risky and the skies were all he had and his tolerance was as high as the planes he flew.
Too bad, sometimes, when he could, he really wanted to get drunk easier.
-
Hanma Shuji just happens to fit in the other category of Chifuyu’s buddies: the drinking ones. Despite Hanma's destructive potential and clear intention, Chifuyu just didn’t sleep with him, it would sound like he’s taking revenge and he doesn’t want that, he doesn’t want anyone to think about him at all.
He says everything is solved with Kazutora and that almost makes Chifuyu want to ask something about the boy, if he’s better and if leave his abusive home, if he is doing alright. But he knows the moment he asks about Kazutora, Baji will come with him. And he can’t, he just can’t handle the thought of him and Hanma definitely ain’t as good as Takemitch to avoid mentioning him.
So when he asks, “It is because of what happened to Kazutora? Because of Valhalla?”
“I don’t even remember that,” He lied.
“Nobody forgets a shit like that, Chifuyu” Hanma replied while turning the Whiskey glass in his hands, “It was the hell of-”
“You are right, it was hell” He had to interrupt Hanma, he had no reason to remember that.
“Can I be honest about something?” Chifuyu nodded his head, already regretting his choice, “You did great leaving all behind, leaving them”
For a second Chifuyu wanted to. Chifuyu wanted to break his rule and be with Hanma, but he couldn’t. Because he wanted to and he shouldn’t. It would end in tragedy and he just wouldn’t.
It’s the first time someone told that to him. Chifuyu was always been afraid that he had made the wrong choice and even if it wasn’t truth, he needs someone to lie for him
-
“Will you ever ask about him ?”
Chifuyu wasn’t expecting this question at 3AM and especially not from Ryusei - who is laying on his bed. He lights his cigarette and places the lighter on top of the dresser next to the lamp.
After a drag on his cigarette, he feels ready to respond.
“No” Chifuyu answered it simply, looking in Ryusei’s eyes so he gets the message, pretending that the mention of him didn’t break his heart even still, “I don’t see why I should.”
“You know, If I was him, I would never-” He already knows where this conversation is going.
"But you left me too, Ryusei," Chifuyu says softly to Ryusei while he gives the white hair man a taste of his cigarette. He didn't smoke, but he learned to when he met Chifuyu again.
Chifuyu is speaking softly, because there is no reason to be rough about it.
It was just the truth.
And Chifuyu was used to it.
He just couldn’t handle the hypocrisy.
"I-" Chifuyu knew what he was about to do, and no, he’s not going to do that.
He’s not going to heal a wound from years ago now. Chifuyu won’t allow him to.
"Don't. I don't want to apologize or whatever. I get it."
"I don't think you do," Ryusei persisted, but in vain. He had already made up his mind.
Chifuyu smiles at him, but it's not that heart warming smile Ryusei was used to. In fact, he doesn’t think Chifuyu had smiled that way for him since they met again. No, he smiles like he is hiding something, like he is lying. Like he 's hurt.
It's painful to see.
"Apologize and I will leave" It's an ultimatum and also a chance.
And Chifuyu knows what he is going to choose.
"Fine" Ryusei gives up, but Chifuyu is not done yet.
It’s not enough for him now.
Now that Ryusei had touched the wound, Chifuyu would leave it exposed and bleeding to serve as a reminder to himself.
"Tell me, do you love me?" Chifuyu asks while caressing Ryusei's face.
It's a trap. Ryusei knows it is. If he answers "Yes" Chifuyu will leave (or well, send him off since it’s his house).
There was only one correct answer for this, only one answer will keep Chifuyu with him right now.
"No." He lies for him. Because he needs to.
"Good." And Chifuyu kisses him again.
-
The next time Chifuyu met Hanma it was on purpose. Not from him, but Hanma had sent a message asking which country he was in. Chifuyu still found this kind of message ridiculous yet luxurious. He enjoyed meeting parents even though it was hard to get used to waking up in at least 3 different cities a week.
He got along well in the capital of any country with his intermediate English and he risked learning some important phrases in the countries where he was most frequently on a stopover.
It was difficult for him to get out to see the cities, the jet-lag usually ended him until the next flight, but when Chifuyu could say that he knew the night of each city very well.
As he said, he was fond of good pubs and expensive drinks. Good company was rare, so he was content with only company.
But again, Hanma.
Hanma, coincidentally, was in the same city as him. He worked as a photographer and Chifuyu was surprised when he met him by accident 2 times in 2 different countries, but now, it was a surprise that he had warned him.
Hanma had a mission and an invitation.
It was Takemitch's wedding.
"You must be a friend of merde if he needed me to tell you."
"I haven't been home for days," Chifuyu said without trying to defend himself, he wasn't a very good friend anyway.
But he always responded to Takemitch's messages, especially the ones he left on his voicemail.
"Are you going?" Hanma asked later that night.
They were no longer at the bar, but at the Chifuyu hotel after being kicked out. In some countries bars close early, who would have thought.
"I'll go," Chifuyu said after much thought.
It was time to grow up. Or at least pretend so.
"Takemitch must be a fucking saint then."
"He's just a good friend."
"And it's okay to see him ?" Chifuyu casts a death glare at Hanma, there was no need to ask who he was referring to with that intonation in his voice.
"Is it okay for you to see Kisaki?"
"Ouch," Hanma said, pretending to hit him in the heart, but then he chuckled, "I forgot the kitten had grown claws, but I think I deserved this one."
“You deserved all of those.”
“I’m tired of pretending he doesn’t exist,” Hanma said, because of course he would, “Was it that bad?”
“No,” It isn’t a lie.
It could have been a lot worse. Chifuyu knows this, but Baji had let him down softly.
It was not his fault the mess Chifuyu became because of this.
“But you loved him,” Hanma is not speaking coherently, the alcohol had already left him drunk a long time ago, even before they arrived at the hotel, “I remembered you fucking worship that guy and I never understood-”
“He was fucking great at the time, give me break.”
“I never understood how he could let you go,” Hanma smiles at him wickedly, he knows he's hit a nerve and is probably too drunk to care, “Because you loved him so fucking much it was painful to watch,”
It 's humiliating. How Chifuyu feels the same.
It’s painful even to think about it now.
"I loved Keisuke in a way you only love once in your life. And I'm not saying this to sound poetic or any shit like this, it's just the truth. The way I loved him it was the way you can only love your first love and you don't get second chances at that. It was just innocent and pure love, waiting for him to call me and only ever wanting to be by his side without needing anything else, being the happiest person on earth just because he remembered something and all of this teenage love stuff.
But I think I did something wrong, people are supposed to move on from that, to find a better love or a great love even, but I never did and I swear, I tried. God, Hanma, I tried so damn hard and I dated and I talked and I opened up, but nothing, no even once, got closer from what I felt back then.
And I know it wasn't supposed to feel the same, but damn it's not even similar and fuck- It wasn't not even like it was a break up or that the feeling was reciprocal but he never liked me in the first place, so yeah. Fuck this. Fuck love."
Hanma isn’t listening anymore, he’s sleeping, that’s part of the reason why Chifuyu told him this, because he didn’t listen and Chifuyu never talked about this with anyone before, he supposed he still hasn't, but at least he had spoken out loud now. It must mean something.
Chifuyu leaves Hanma lying on the couch, he doesn't have the strength to carry Hanma to the bed and he doesn't even want to share her with him. But he allows himself an act of kindness, taking a blanket and covering the tall man with it.
Upon returning to the room, Chifuyu observes the envelope that arrived in the morning. An offer he couldn't refuse, they told him, the chance to go home. For him to work in Japan, at home.
It was a ridiculous proposition, too good to be real, but it didn't matter. Chifuyu didn't even bother to open the envelope, it had been on the hotel desk since he received it, but now, in the middle of the night and with the inevitable invitation to a wedding, Chifuyu was willing to open the envelope, even if he wasn't going to accept it.
It was good to know what exactly he was about to turn down.
-
When Chifuyu steps in Tokyo again, the world doesn’t end. But maybe it should.