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You would betroth a worm (but not a fool?)

Summary:

It was supposed to be a fun night out but it somehow ended in a marriage proposal???

How did this happen? And how will our dear Mr. Fool react?

Is asking a God's hand in marriage blasphemy? Urgent! Waiting online.

Notes:

Why decide between LeoKlein and Audrey x Klein when you can have both?

Let's forget that beyonders probably have high alcohol intake, please!

Is it too late to count this as an April Fools fic?

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

"Klein…will you marry me?"

Both Leonard and Audrey spoke in unison, confronting him with a shining gleam in their eyes.

This…

How did this happen!?

 

****

Three hours ago, seated above the gray fog.

"A drink?"

Miss Justice repeated Leonard's suggestion He had just asked if they wanted to join him for a drink.

This surprised Klein, who was still suffering from the embarrassment of the Hall of Truth incident. Haven't we already opened up enough? What's the point of getting drunk?

Since Mr. Fool was not present, Leonard was much more relaxed, he seemed to be just shy of resting his feet on the table. Instead, he showed an amiable smile.

"To cultivate friendship-" noticing Klein's glare he changed his words "and relieve tension, when's the last time you've relaxed?"

The latter part was directed at Klein. His only friend seemed to be growing stronger at a rate that Leonard could only dream of. Being the blessed of a God is helpful for a beyonder- but lonely for a human.

Seeing Klein put on a heavy mask frightened Leonard. In a way, he was thankful for the Hall of Truth, to know that he was still the Klein he knew.

The poet could not help the scholar on his path to Godhood, but he could support him in other ways- as a friend.

As a Spectator, Audrey didn't miss this private exchange between the two. Mr. Star seems to care a lot about Mr. World…

She became more interested in their past, most likely coworkers…I wonder what happened between them…

She reigned in her curiosity and began seriously considering Mr. Star's offer. As a Noble girl, she never really went to taverns, let alone drank. But, as Mr. World's therapist, she could see how this interaction would be good for him.

Well, she could always disguise herself. Yes, this doesn't seem like too bad of an idea! With this logic, she tacitly agreed, now all that was left was Mr. World's consensus.

Klein was silent.

When was the last time he went out to a tavern with friends? Danitz and Anderson couldn't count…and the rest of the time was just by himself, usually to get information. Back home, he used to eat out with his friends often.

It couldn't hurt, other than Mr. Azik, these two were the only ones who knew his real face, his real personality.

Maybe just this once…

After a moment he spoke,

"Where should we meet up?"

 

***************

 

In an inauspicious corner of a bar, three figures sat around a table. The strongest adventurer, Gehrman Sparrow sat in the middle, next to his right was a dazzling young lady with brown hair, and to his left was a green-eyed man with the air of a poet.

The atmosphere at this table was, suffice to say, awkward. Their drinks had yet to get there and it seemed none of them had a good conversation starter.

Klein considered a meme that could describe the current situation and silently cursed for being unable to share it.

Finally, their beers arrived. Each of them raised their drinks in unison, more to calm their embarrassment than to quench their thirst.

After taking a sip, Klein immediately put the drink back down. Too bitter! As a lover of all flavors Klein seriously wondered how alcoholics braved this taste.

Klein's attention was drawn to two overlapping voices, calling for the waiter at the same time.

Audrey and Leonard who called for the waiter at the same time: …

Audrey coughed into her fist. "You order first Mr. Sta-Leonard."

She had learned his name through the Hall of Truth incident. Though she still didn't reveal her own identity yet. Opting to change her appearance and name to Aubrey.

Leonard nodded with a bit of shyness and ordered a sweet iced tea.

Sweet-iced tea? Klein couldn't help being puzzled for a moment…

The poet gestured for Ms. Justice to order next. Except she seemed a little awkward as she spoke to the waiter.

Don't tell me…

And that's how they ended up with two sweet-iced teas at the table.

Perhaps he wasn't the only one who found the beer unpalatable? Maybe he should have ordered one himself…but they had also ordered a couple more beers, so maybe they weren't for them but hi..m..

No one had spoken when the drinks were ordered or when they got there. The awkwardness seemed dead-set on staying- like chewing gum stuck to the sole of a shoe.

A few seconds later, two ice teas were slid across the table in unison.

"Kl-"

"Mr. Mo-"

Audrey and Leonard who spoke at the time: …

Deja Vu?

And that's how Klein ended up with two sweet iced teas in front of him.

He suddenly was glad for changing into the appearance of Sherlock Moriarty to avoid the collapse of Gehrman's character. Was his aversion to beer really that obvious? Or did these two just pay that much attention to him?

He felt a little warm.

He told himself it was from the beer despite knowing he's only taken one sip.

While Klein was lying to himself, Audrey was desperately trying to come up with a topic of conversation.

As a noble, she was quite used to solicitation and coming up with a topic. But today it seemed a bit difficult to even think properly, let alone come up with a topic of conversation. She told herself it was just the beer.

Come on, Audrey. You can do it! This is nothing compared to conversing with those noble ladies!

Well, she was lying to herself too.

Leonard's head was in the clouds. He was just on the cusp of recounting Emperor Roselle's poems out loud. Perhaps it was due to the awkwardness or that he was actually a lightweight who gets drunk off a couple of beers.

Mr. Star seems to already be tipsy…She enjoyed learning new aspects about her fellow Tarot Club members. This new revelation allowed her to wade through the muck of awkwardness and find a topic of conversation.

"Mr. Wor...Moriarty, do you happen to cook?"

She came to this conclusion through Mr. World and Mr. Star's conversation about money, and of course, Mr. World's obvious penchant for food.

Due to his experience interacting with her as Dwayne Dantes, Klein was able to speak comfortably as Sherlock Moriarty.
Besides, even if he was acting as Gehrman Sparrow, who's to say crazy adventurers can't cook?

"Yes, it's a bit of a hobby of mine."

Just as Audrey was going to reply, Leonard, who was poetically comparing the brown table to Klein's eyes, interrupted.

"Klein," has he already given up on keeping our identities? "Do you remember our first company dinner?"

Due to the clown's ability, Klein was able to keep his facial features from twitching.

Despite this, Leonard seemed to notice his rigidness and couldn't help but start laughing.

Should I mention how a certain poet fell down the stairs…? Before Leonard could even speak, Klein had secretly started his revenge plan.

"You were so tired that you had no appetite and didn't eat…but at the end of the dinner, after everyone finished eating, you suddenly asked if you could order more food."

This particular memory was one that Leonard thought fondly of. They didn't have many company dinners and the closest thing to get-togethers was when they'd all play cards. That's why Leonard wanted to encapsulate this memory in his mind, to always be able to hold it on a bad day.

Meanwhile, Klein was wondering if this guy was even drunk at all and just using it as an excuse to embarrass people!

Audrey listened with amusement at first but then noticed Mr. Star's sudden mood change. She then ultimately decided to spare Mr. World from embarrassment and continue their conversation from before.

"Mr. Moriarty, since you cook, I'd love to try your food sometime."

This was not just lip service, nor was it a professional curiosity, she genuinely meant it.

She previously knew he enjoys eating and noted his preferences, and she has now learned that he cooks, values money, and that he secretly comments on things in his mind. But she wanted to know more, to be more.

Yes, what she really wanted was to be friends with Klein.

Audrey abruptly broke out into a bright smile. Even with her disguise, one could tell how she earned the title of 'Backlund's most dazzling gem.'

Klein's eyes were unexpectedly assaulted by the brightness and he couldn't help but curse Roselle for not inventing sunglasses.

Roselle, currently dealing with corruption in the fog sea, suddenly sneezed: …Could it be that an incomplete Sequence 0 can also get sick?

Matched with such sincerity, Klein couldn't find any room to refuse.

"Of course, I hope it will be up to your standards."

Leonard flipped his shoulder-length hair over his shoulder. "Klein, you've never cooked for me! shouldn't you invite me too?"

Klein's obvious hesitation showed Leonard that the thought had never even crossed the scholar's mind…

Klein felt a little exasperated but decided to indulge his dear poet. "Then we should all compare schedules and pick a date."

"Why not tonight?"

Tonight? Yes, he was free tonight…

Wait.

"Tonight?"

"We're free now and as beyonders, we never know what might happen, so why not tonight?"

My dear poet, what the fuck.

Leonard was extremely laid-back. Head lazily resting in his right hand and a lax smile on his face. It was this type of poetic air that made one want to beat him up.

How did a drink with friends turn into a dinner date!?

Klein was inner-turmoil.

Audrey nodded along, quickly persuaded by the poet's words. It'd be easier to interact in a safe, less crowded place. Plus, the faster she learns more about Mr. World the better!

"I'm free for the rest of the night."

With her answer it was, once again, left up to Klein to make the ultimate decision.

Klein wore a wry smile.

"I don't mind but where would we go?" Dwayne Dantes' manor was out of the question, same with Miss Hall's. They could always ask to use the kitchen in this bar but there's no guarantee they would allow that.

He subconsciously started analyzing all the options.

That only leaves one choice left…

"We can use my house."

 

******************

And that's how they ended up in Leonard's home.

The home was slightly spacious and surprisingly well-organized, courtesy of Pallez (who had been suspiciously quiet this entire time).

Luckily, the kitchen wasn't too cramped, the only problem was that Klein had no idea what to cook.

This was the reason why he wanted to hold off on the dinner so he could make a plan… But when he remembered their sparkling eyes he seemed to be under the influence of 0-08 and unable to refuse any of their requests.

Hey, should puppy-dog eyes be able to influence a "God" this much?

He took a sip of the wine Leonard had brought out. Appreciating the sweet taste that lingered afterward.

Alright! Let's do this!

With new determination, he began to rummage through the pantry.

In the end, he decided to do Pork chops with Applesauce. Of course, it'd be easier and faster to make Feynapotter noodles but he felt like showing off, just a little.

Meanwhile, the two currently seated at the kitchen table were having a drinking competition.

"You win."

Excuse me- they were currently wrapping up a drinking competition.

Leonard sighed in defeat and Audrey had to hold herself back from smirking.

It was important to keep up her aristocratic appearance. Well, as dignified as a noble lady who just won a drinking competition could.

Audrey was quite impressed with herself. She was the type to drink in moderation, usually at parties or balls, who'd known she had this high tolerance?

"It was a good game."

This competition started when Leonard noticed that despite all that Miss Justice had drunk, she didn't seem the slightest bit tipsy.

So he rummaged through his house to look for his strongest alcohol and promptly challenged her to a drinking contest.

In the end, he was absolutely floored. She could drink him under the table!

Leonard only stopped because he was worried he'd pass out and miss the chance to eat Klein's cooking.

Speaking of which, at that moment Klein placed two plates in front of them.

The plates carried a strong aroma. The pork chops were clearly the most appetizing, well seasoned with Applesauce poured over the top to counteract the greasiness. There were sides but Klein was careful to not let the applesauce drip onto them and ruin the flavor.

Audrey and Leonard could barely restrain their excitement as they grabbed their forks and tasted the food.

So good!

"Klein, you really can cook!"

What? So you doubted me before? Klein had the sudden urge to lampoon.

"This could rival the chefs at my residence."

"Even the old man said it looks good." Leonard didn't bother to hide the existence of Pallez, as he'd already been mentioned before.

The compliments bounced off each other, making Klein feel embarrassed being praised, but also a little happy.

He sat across from them and began eating. After tasting the food he felt they were exaggerating, but didn't know if he'd prefer if they criticized it instead.

Being appreciated is a little addictive…

Due to everyone focusing on eating, the only sound in the house was the scraping of plates. But this time it didn't feel awkward, it was a more comfortable and relaxed silence.

Klein would have never imagined the bomb that would drop just a few minutes later.

"In many social circles, being able to cook is considered a desirable skill of a bachelor." Audrey didn't know why she said this, perhaps the alcohol was finally getting to her.

Unexpectedly, it was Leonard who answered her.

"This guy was actually pretty popular at the company we worked at."

"Really?"

Audrey became more curious, while Klein was equally surprised. Why would he lie about that?

"Yes, although he was oblivious to it."

Ah, that explains it.

"He went to college; a history major, helped take care of and protected his siblings, and was strong-willed. Although he's strange with money, he was seen as a suitable marriage partner."

Audrey felt like she had been handed a marriage application by her father, but wasn't exactly unhappy about it.

Klein who basically had his whole resume told:...

"I see, unfortunately, no one was able to propose?"

Hey, shouldn't I be the one proposing? Klein felt Miss Justice had a skewed look at things.

"Correct. Though someone was considering it before he…left the company."

What? Who!?

The poor Mr. Fool felt like he'd been given the shock of his life. He was curious but definitely didn't want to know anymore! After all, any chance of marriage was out of the question by now.

Klein placed a finger over his lips.

"Just eat."

Leonard suddenly leaned forward, he wasn't that close but Klein felt that he could almost feel the other man's breath.

"Klein, did you know that in certain parts of the southern continent, the don't talk gesture means kiss me?"

Klein became so flustered that he almost mutated into a pile of worms on the spot.

That was super gay! Klein always suspected that the poet was a homosexual but never thought he'd be so direct about it!?

"Yes, I did."

Despite his inner turmoil he managed to calm himself down enough to douse the fire in his dear poet's heart.

His performance was a little less convincing when one could notice that his neck was a shade of red that the clown's ability could not hide, and the fact that he no longer looked them in the eye, laser-focused on his food.

Audrey, who was quietly spectating this scene, felt a lightbulb go off in her head.

Fun to tease can be added to the list of "Reasons to Marry Klein."

At that moment, Audrey and Leonard's eyes collided at the same time. They seemed to be able to guess the thoughts in the other's head, Almost as if the two had connected.

"Klein…will you marry me?"

Both Leonard and Audrey spoke in unison, confronting him with a shining gleam in their eyes.

This…

How did this happen!?

Klein half-expected both of them to pull out monocles and say "Are you pleasantly surprised?"

Unfortunately, or more fortunately, they didn't.

A little "Sorry?" was all he could croak out.

"Marriage could provide many tax benefits." They both started appealing to him with the thing he loved most: Money.

Klein tried to listen to the benefits of marriage, he really did, but it all went through one ear out the other.

With Leonard's previous flirting, he could maybe expect this but what about Miss Justice?

Miss Hall, please think of your reputation! Is marrying crazy adventurers good for noble ladies' statuses?

He quietly wondered how'd they react if they found out the one they were proposing to was the distinguished being, Mr. Fool.

While lampooning, the green-eyed duo finished their speech on the benefits of marriage and were now looking at him with anticipation clear on their faces.

"So, will you accept my proposal?"

They spoke in unison again.

Klein set down his fork and knife with an undisguised sigh.

Under their expectant eyes, he gave his answer.

Notes:

Anddddddd......Scene!

After this, they should all go ride bikes together!!!