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"Do you hate yourself?" Wilbur asks on a cold November morning between breathing in smoke from his cigarette and blowing it out.
Tommy- who previously entertained himself by playing with the gravel under his feet, dragging white converse in it over and over again- looks up and says: " What?"
The bench they are sitting on is cold and Tommy's what makes white smoke fly in the air.
"Do you hate yourself?" Wilbur says again, holding up the cigarette to his lips, dragging the filth and the smoke into his lungs.
Tommy always hates when he smokes. He says that it's bad for him and that it makes his clothes stink. Wilbur has been trying to quit. Or so he says. He's pretty sure that they both know that it's a lie.
Tommy seems surprised by the question. It is, after all, not a normal question to ask at 8 AM on a November morning. His brows furrows and he nose scrunches- a habit taken from Techno.
Then, he laughs, loud and explosive. "What the fuck , man?! You can't just ask a teenager if he hates himself!"
"Hm," Wilbur says, dropping the cigarette on the ground. It makes a fuss sound when he stomps on it, putting it deeper in to the ground with his foot. "Why not?"
He looks out at the sea, the pebble walk and the grass. The grass got frost in it.
" Well- it's a weird ass question to ask. You're all 'Do you hate yourself? Mememe I'm Wilbur Soot and I ask weird ass questions at a super fucking early time in a morning!'" Tommy mimics and does a voice- way too light to be Wilbur- as he does an impression of being Wilbur.
"I do not sound like that!" Wilbur laughs, smacking Tommy in the head with the palm of his hand. "Shush!"
"Ow! You do though bitch! You're all 'oh look at me I'm Wilbur soot and I'm going to ask questions and not answer when people ask me questions!'"
"Your voice is way too light to be me!"
"Hah no?! That's how you sound!"
You don't answer any questions.
"Okay- if I answer a question from you, will you answer one of mine?" Wilbur says. Tommy, surprised by the sudden conversation change, nods.
"Sure."
"You go first."
"Of course." Tommy smiles "I-"
"Yeah?" Wilbur grins- all toothy and misbehaving. He looks like a young school boy who makes disturbing jokes and knows what he does.
"Shut up, let me think dickhead." Tommy presses his fingers- nails- in to his jeans. It makes the jeans wrinkly.
"Okay- okay. Do you ever think of death? Like- like- if it would be better if you didn't exist? Or- or suicide. How it would feel and the easiest way to kill-"
He's stressed now, working himself up into panic, words fumbling like a newborn horse out of his mouth. "Or- or just death in general? Y’know- how it would feel if you jumped from a bridge or in front of a train- if it would hurt- "
He finishes, eyes big and wide and with almost tears in them and he stares at Wilbur with eyes that begs him to say something, to tell him that he's normal, to tell him that he has also felt that.
But Wilbur hasn't felt that. Wilbur doesn't know that feeling. He has never wanted to die.
He falters.
"I- Jesus christ Tommy." He says, in lack of any other- better - words to say. Tommy ,visabily, shrinks under those words. "No- no I- I haven't felt that. And I think- It's not healthy to think about that." He pulls an arm around Tommy's shoulders, pulling him tighter to him. A hug, almost. A cuddle, maybe. "How much- do you think about this often?"
"Mm." Tommy nods. "Everyday. Often."
"Jesus christ man. Holy fuck." Wilbur is glad that Tommy told him, got him a chance to help him but- it's just so insane that he has been thinking these thoughts without anyone realizing. "Do you- I- Do you want someone to talk to? Like- not me? I dunno-"
Techno had been feeling bad, once- Wilbur had found him on a ladder in their room, a loop made of rope hanging over him. He had been alive, breathing and Wilbur had been forced to promise to not speak about it to anyone.
Techno had had a weird voice when he was speaking, not so monotone that it usually was but more- robotic. Wilbur had been scared.
Techno had been feeling bad, once- and Wilbur had dragged him in to a therapy appointment the next day.
Techno didn't want to talk about it- the meds he was put on, the so called hospital he was locked in. Techno had said no when Wilbur offered himself to listen. Techno had wanted a real therapist, not a brother.
Maybe Tommy was the same.
Tommy nods again. "I've been wanting to ask, y'know to get help but- but- it's fucking scary."
"Yeah. I'll help you contact a therapist or something soon."
"Today?" Tommy pulls on the loose threads on Wilbur's sleeve.
"Sure."
They sit there- Wilbur's arm slunged over Tommy's shoulder, Tommy resting his head on Wilbur's shoulder- for a while. Quiet. It's silent, cold and Wilbur is freezing a little but it's quite nice. To watch the sea, to sit beside Tommy.
They sit there for a so long time that Wilbur thinks that Tommy's asleep- he has never been this quiet this long. But then Tommy says-
"And to answer your question man-" Wilbur can feel his voice through his body. "I don't hate myself. Not all the times. Just- just y'know- sometimes."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. Sometimes I'm awesome and the best and the biggest man alive-" He chuckles a little while saying 'the biggest man', "And sometimes I'm the worst person ever who doesn't even deserve to live- but I think that's normal. I think all teenager feels this."
"That doesn't make it okay- that other people feel like that too. You shouldn't feel like that. You shouldn't feel like you don't deserve to live. Hell, we are definitely getting you a therapist. And it's nice yknow- to have someone to talk to."
"Yeah." Tommy says. "Yeah."
"And I think you deserve to live, Toms. I believe that you do. Because you're Tommy , the biggest man alive. You have an amazing smile and a laugh that's awesome and a fantastic personality and I love you for that."
Tommy is quiet again. "Mhm," He says. "Yeah- thanks big man. You're quite awesome yourself too."
"Yeah?" Wilbur smiles.
"Yeah." Tommy grins, too.