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Mamoru's apartment was always so quiet, Usagi thought, grabbing a throw pillow and settling it under her head, lying back on the floor.
He wasn't home, not that she had told him she was coming by, so he couldn't be blamed. Still, Usagi wondered briefly what he was doing, who he was spending his time with, what they were talking about. She'd considered paging him, and decided against it. It's not like she had anything important to tell him.
She shut her eyes and turned her head into the pillow. It had Mamoru's scent, and she felt inexplicably comforted.
Usagi didn't realize she'd dozed off until she was awoken by a door slam down the hallway. She sat up blearily and rubbed her eyes. Judging by the darkness that had fallen over the room, it was late evening, and she was still alone in the apartment. Standing up and stretching, Usagi decided to head to Rei's, which was where her mother thought she was anyway.
She had just finished locking the door behind her when the elevator doors opened and Mamoru stumbled out, looking at her in confusion.
"Usako?" He was slightly disheveled and his face was a definite shade of pink and he was blinking at her as if trying to convince himself she was really there.
"Hey," she said, by way of greeting. Mamoru was fumbling a bit for his key, so she turned and unlocked the door for him with hers.
Usagi let him step inside ahead of her and watched with mild consternation as he leaned heavily on the inner wall, pulling his shoes off with obvious difficultly.
"I didn't know you were here," he mumbled, his words slurring just slightly. "I'm so sorry. There was an izakaya party... it went late..."
Usagi shrugged, "It's okay. I like hanging out here. You are okay with that, right?"
He pulled her toward him, losing his balance in the process, and almost falling over. "Come here all the time," he said, leaning down heavily so his face rested on her shoulder. "Live here. Move in with me."
"So there was drinking at this party, I take it," she said, wrinkling her nose slightly at the cloying scent of alcohol that clung to him, and bracing herself against the wall to keep them from toppling over. He'd mentioned about the college parties he'd been to, and they'd been to fancy gatherings together that included champagne and such, but Usagi had never seen him this far gone. She felt a rush of concern mixed with affection. He was clinging to her like a child, and she couldn't help brushing her fingers through his hair, slightly.
"Yeah," he said, his face still buried in her neck. "Sorry," he added again, halfheartedly. His arms were still around her, and he seemed in no hurry to leave. "You're warm.." he mumbled, pulling her closer. "And you smell so good..."
Feeling heat rise to her face, Usagi pushed him back a little. "C'...c'mon," she urged, "let's get inside okay?" She slipped her own shoes off and half walked, half pulled them over to the sofa. Mamoru sat down heavily, not letting go of her hands.
"You're so pretty," he said, pulling on her slightly and lifting one hand up to her face, her hair. "You are so pr- do you know that? When you look in the mirror are you just like 'damn, I'm so pretty'?"
"Yeah, sometimes," Usagi said, gently working her hand free from his grasp. "You need water-"
"No," he whined, pulling on her again until she tumbled down onto his lap. "I need you, just...please, Usako, let me hold you." His voice took on a pleading edge and Usagi swallowed hard, her chest suddenly aching. When had he last embraced her? They'd been so strange, so hesitant with each other since he'd returned to Japan. And Mamoru had always needed so much extra affection all the time, she realized she'd forgotten that.
Usagi settled down onto his lap and he put his arms around her, his head resting again on her shoulder. His hand gripped the fabric of her shirt, the other curled around the back of her head. He hugged her so tightly she almost cried out.
"Why did you ask me that?" he slurred, his voice muffled by her shoulder.
Usagi pulled back, looked at him carefully. "What, Mamo-chan?" she brushed her hand on his cheek, tenderly. His eyes looked so sad all of a sudden.
"Why did you ask me if I loved you? Before?"
She blinked in surprise. Of all the things, this wasn't what she expected him to say.
"B- because I wanted to know?"
"You didn't know?" he still looked sad, confused. This was obviously something that'd been bothering him for a while. With him in his present state, he'd sprung it on her out of the blue and Usagi felt ill-equipped to answer. "What do I need to do, Usako, what do I -"
"It's me, okay?" Usagi interrupted, forcing a laugh and shaking her head. "It's just silly, stupid me. You know how I get!" She lowered her head, her bangs shielding her eyes. "I never know. Or, I know but..."
It was like her heart had a leak, his words and actions would fill it up completely until it drained out again. Her need for assurance and affection was near constant. She knew this was a difficult thing to ask of anyone - but she also knew that in many ways he was the same. "This is how I am. I'm dumb, you know that I- I always need to be told things."
He caught her face in his hand and pulled her toward him. His kiss was clumsy, but laced with an anguish she hadn't expected. He pulled away and looked almost on the brink of tears.
"I don't know how to explain it," he said, agitated. "I've tried. I've studied the brain and the heart and the mind and I've read books, sonnets, plays, I've read poems, in every language I know - I can recite and even write my own. You know I could give you a moving speech right now on anything you want! I can do all of that and I can't... I can't explain, Usako. I can't define it. I can't tell you how I feel because there isn't a word."
"Love, Mamo-chan, the word is love."
"It's not!" he pulled her toward him again, his arms clutching her to him like she was a lifesaver and he was drowning. "This is more than love. This passed love at the speed of light and you can't exceed the speed of light-"
"Mamo-chan."
"-except maybe at the event horizon of a black hole - the theories aren't sound but, Usako, getting that close to an event horizon could really hurt you-"
"Mamo-chan."
"-and I feel like we've done that too many times before and I can't see you hurt again, so I won't but -"
"Chiba Mamoru will you shut up!" she cried and he froze, finally allowing her to sit up again. And get some air back in her lungs.
Mamoru blinked up at her like a scolded child. Usagi felt a smile soften her face. "The word is love," she said, gently. He opened his mouth to protest but she just put a finger to his lips. "I understand, okay?"
He looked confused. "I love you, too," she said. She kissed his forehead and he attempted to catch her lips with his and missed, so she gently put her hands on his face and kissed him, softly, just once. He protested a little when she pulled back.
"You taste so sweet..." he murmured, his eyes slipping shut. "Like vanilla and sugar..."
"Jeeze, Mamo-chan," she chided, her face burning. She pushed him back and stood up.
Usagi went to the kitchen and poured a glass of water, walking it carefully back to him. "Here, can you dr-" she stopped when she realized he'd fallen asleep, arm slumped over the arm of the couch. She placed the water on the table in front of him, and gently tried to arrange his body on the couch so he wouldn't hurt in the morning.
Then she went to the phone, to tell Rei she wouldn't be sleeping over at the shrine after all.
Mamoru's apartment was always so quiet. But, it could be peaceful, too.