Chapter Text
"All of us have to come? Even me?!" Sure, Steph had been to a few galas before, but that was usually only when no one else was available.
"Indeed, Miss Brown. It's a very important charity event for the Wayne Foundation, so it is imperative the entire Wayne family and its associates be present." Alfred pointedly looked at all the members of the Bat-Clan, gathered at the table for lunch. It was nice to see them all together as a family, even if they were being difficult.
"Can't the old man just bring, like, Tim and Damian or something?"
The two boys shot death glares at him.
"Well, Master Jason, I suppose I should tell the poor needy children the gala benefits that you couldn't be bothered to show up."
Can’t have that, Jason thought. Man, Alfred really knew how to convince him. "Fine, fine we'll go."
"I trust that all of you will be dressed and ready by 7:00. If you need me, I will be in the kitchen.”
As soon as he left, everyone let out a communal “ughhhhhhhhhhhhh”.
“You know, it’s stuff like this that makes me regret legally re-aliving myself.”
“At least you don’t have to deal with all the old people trying to pinch your cheeks!” Damian huffed.
“There’s just too many people,” said Cass with a frown.
Duke spoke up, turning to Dick and Tim, who’d probably been to the most galas out of all of them. “Hey, you guys are seasoned veterans at this, got any tips to make it less absolutely horrible?”
Dick hummed in thought for a moment, “Honestly, you kinda just get used to all the fake smiles and small talk after a while. At least they stop trying to pinch your cheeks as you get older!” He grinned at Damian.
Tim continued, “You really do get desensitized to it after a while. Still wish it wasn’t so boring, though.”
Jason pondered the last part of Tim’s statement.
Cass noticed the slight scrunch of his eyebrows and the subsequent smirk that spread across his face. “You have an idea?”
He nodded.
“What if we made this gala a little more… newsworthy?”
Dick squinted at his brother, “What exactly…do you mean by that?”
“I propose a competition.”
Every head in the room perked up, intrigued.
“After this gala tonight, who will make the most headlines?”
-----
“Alright, let’s lay down the rules.”
Dick had gathered them all in the Batcave so Bruce nor Alfred could hear their mischievous plans. He tried not to show it, but he was super excited for the gala tonight. It’s already fun to read the news after each event, wondering what each reporter made of his often purposefully unbecoming remarks. A competition for it? He couldn’t wait.
However, he was still supposed to do some responsible older brother-ing and set out some rules so the whole thing doesn’t explode in their faces.
“Number one: nothing that could compromise identities, of course.” That one should be obvious, but it doesn’t hurt to cover all his bases. After all, it really would be a surefire way to win and he knows how competitive they can get.
“Number two: no threatening violence on anyone or doing anything illegal.”
He tried to ignore Damian’s “tt” and the slight sighs of many other family members.
“Number three: don’t tell B or Alfie about the competition.” He didn’t like lying to Alfred, but they had to avoid his wrath somehow. The rest of the bats nodded sagely.
“The next day, whoever is in the news the most, including articles, social media posts, and videos, not counting our own, wins.”
“How’s counting that up going to work?” Tim questioned.
Dick held up his phone.
Responsible Adults
dickhead: heyyyyyy babs
babs: Oh no
dickhead: so basically
dickhead: were doing a competition on who will be in the news/social media/whatever the most after the gala tonight
babs: WAIT THIS IS GONNA BE SO CHAOTIC IT’S GONNA BE HILARIOUS
babs: So what do you need from me?
dickhead: can you make a program that will count up who got in the news the most and whatnot after the gala
babs: Ofc ofc
“Will there be a reward for winning?" Damian asked, "Other than, of course, the satisfaction of defeating your peers?”
Dick hummed in thought until Jason piped up, “What about…” he drawled, “Winner gets the entire batch of cookies Alfred’s making in the kitchen right now?”
All of their eyes glinted with steely determination.
-----
Alliance?
Duke created a new chat
Duke named the chat Alliance?
Duke added Cass and Steph to the chat
Duke: wanna team up?
Steph: state your case first buster
Duke: well i figured if we teamed up we can take the first three spots to knock the rest of the fam out of the competition
Cass: I like the idea
Steph: hmmmmmmmmmm i fear a consortium may inhibit my grandiose ambitions
Duke: you really had to pull out the thesaurus for this.
Duke: ok what about the start of the gala plus the last few hours as allies, but between then, it’s every man for himself
Steph: fine im in if cass is in
Cass: Yep! :)
Duke: <3
Steph: on one condition
Steph changed name to PurpleIsSuperior
Steph changed Cass’s name to Best Girl <3
Steph changed Duke’s name to HowAreYouStillSane
HowAreYouStillSane: fine
HowAreYouStillSane: and idk how i am either
Best Girl <3 named the chat Alliance >:)
-----
After giving Titus a few head scratches, Damian began pacing their room.
He had to be strategic about this. There was no way he was going to pass up an opportunity to glory over his siblings, triumphing over them all and proving his dominance over them.
And Alfred’s cookies were rather enticing.
They couldn’t start a scandal as easily as their older siblings. The press didn’t care about their love life, and they wanted to keep it that way. Most other scandals tended to violate the law, so that wouldn’t work. Destruction of property, maybe? After all, it wouldn’t violate the “nothing illegal” rule since it’s in their own house and therefore he couldn’t be charged for it. Unfortunately, the press may simply chalk it up to be a childish tantrum of sorts and mostly ignore it. Also, he’d get in trouble with Alfred.
Why was this so difficult? Maybe, he thought, he's just so used to being chided for saying things "too controversial" and "impertinent" that they've become downright conventional. Terrible. Whatever happened to being yourself?
Being yourself…
A lovely, perfect, glorious idea struck them. With a devious smile, they began getting dressed for the gala.
-----
Alliance >:)
PurpleIsSuperior: GUYS GUYS WE HAVE TO TALK STRATEGY NOW
Best Girl <3: Why r u loud panicked urgent?
PurpleIsSuperior: I JUST SAW DAMIAN AND THEY WERE SMILING IM TERRIFIED
HowAreYouStillSane: oh shit
Best Girl <3: !!(0_0)!!
PurpleIsSuperior: AND
HowAreYouStillSane: THERE'S MORE!??!!?!
PurpleIsSuperior: TIM HASNT DONE ANYTHING!!!
HowAreYouStillSane: and this is…bad?
PurpleIsSuperior: YES BECAUSE IT MEANS HES ALREADY FIGURED IT OUT. HES ALREADY SURE HES GONNA WIN
Best Girl <3: Little brother always paces when hes planning but lately he has just been sitting calmly solving cases
HowAreYouStillSane: oh that does sound bad ok ok lets brainstorm how to win this guys
PurpleIsSuperior: i dunno but can we crash into a cake sometime in it pls
PurpleIsSuperior: WAIT CASS CAN YOU PUSH ME INTO THE CAKE
Best Girl <3: Why would I push you into a cake
HowAreYouStillSane: idk but can we throw in a fake slap in the face somewhere?
PurpleIsSuperior: it’s giving telenovela dating scandal
HowAreYouStillSane: thats perfect
Best Girl <3: Sounds fun!
-----
Dick thumbs through his closet, pulling out his suits and laying his options on the bed. His strategy is fairly simple, but effective. Settling on a dark blue suit with a simple white button up, he exhales. Tonight is going to be fun.
@richardgraysonwayne posted on his Instagram story
[Image: A selfie of Dick wearing the suit with the top two buttons strategically undone, much like his purposefully unkempt hair. He’s winking with his tongue between his teeth. A caption reads: See u tonight!]
-----
Jason wanders into the kitchen for a snack. The scent of Alfred’s prized cookies in the oven wafted through the room as he reached into the fridge, grabbing the ingredients for a sandwich. Getting a cutting board to slice up some tomatoes, he glances up at the coffee machine on the counter.
That’s odd.
Knowing the kid had a competitive streak, Jason would’ve expected Tim to be hunched over a computer, analyzing the best possible way to win using some algorithm or whatever, while chugging coffee to fuel his rapidly-firing brain.
But the coffee machine sat clean and unused, an unopened bag of espresso sitting idly beside it.
He knocks on Tim’s bedroom door.
“Who is it?”
“Jason.”
“You can come in.”
Tim lazed on his bed, holding his phone.
Eyeing him, Jason leans against the doorframe. “Something’s up with you.”
Tim blinked. “Um, what?”
“You’ve always been pretty competitive. You’ve also always been a strategizer. But here you are, hours before a competition, not doing any of that strategy stuff you love to do.”
“Well you don’t seem to be planning anything either.”
The kid had a point, but Jason didn’t actually care about winning the competition or not. He really just wanted to instigate some chaos and sit back and enjoy the show. Plus, he knew the recipe to Alfred’s cookies and could make them almost as good as the butler himself.
“I’ve got myself figured out.”
“Same here,” a nearly imperceptible smirk crosses Tim’s face, slight enough that Jason barely catches it.
“Oo-kayy, then.” He turns back to the kitchen to go finish his sandwich.
bf <3
Dim: can u come to the gala tonight?
Wernard: ofc
Wernard: why all of a sudden tho?
Dim: i have something planned
-----
Bruce knows something’s up. The manor is oddly quiet, but there’s a tenseness in the air that can only mean one thing.
He leans on the kitchen counter, “They’re planning something, aren’t they?”
Alfred breathes a long-suffering sigh as he mixes cookie batter, “They always are, Master Bruce. One can only hope it doesn’t end terribly.”