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It’s a warm Wednesday morning.
Joel waits until Ellie’s small frame disappears alongside the crowds of other kids pooling into Jackson’s middle school class.
Satisfied that she’s safely inside, he begins his chuff down the path toward their line of houses. He runs through the weighty list of tasks he has to get through today before meeting Ellie outside the school this afternoon.
The past few months in Jackson have been a time of adjustment, reintegrating himself into a society, and also guiding Ellie into one.
Jackson is different from the world he knew before the outbreak. It’s a real community, helping, sharing, giving, supporting. People work together, follow the rules, keep one another safe.
It’s incredibly bizarre. He’s still trying to adjust. Tommy says he’ll get there; it takes time for everyone.
He still awakens most nights from the memories. Usually, Ellie has already slipped out of her bedroom and into his, cuddled up to his side like a warm, tiny octopus. He doesn’t mind, he knows she’s having trouble adjusting too.
Besides, he always sleeps better with his kid close by.
Sometimes that’s the hardest part. The thing about being on the road with Ellie for so long? They were always together.
Except for the nightmarish time he was constrained to a dinky, blood-stained mattress in a basement, and she was forced to do horrible things to protect herself from even more horrible things.
He tries not to think about that time.
Anyway, now? She’s at school all day. He has patrols, and days where he’s helping to fix up the old houses on the outer perimeter. She has homework and friends and riding lessons and scavenging training.
He’s been thinking about asking Tommy and Maria for an adjustment to his schedule. Not less duties, just stuff he can do on the same schedule as Ellie, so they’re both away at the same time and neither of them are alone in their quiet, slightly too-big house.
Ah. Maria.
Things between the two of them are far from perfect, but he’s trying his best. Tommy says she is too, and Joel hopes that’s true. They didn’t exactly hit it off when they first met, and he knows his reputation lended her to keen suspicions.
Suspicions he can admit weren’t unfounded. He is a dangerous man. There’s a hospital full of dead fireflies to support that.
No use dwelling on all that now.
It’s the perfect time to ask her, because he has to swing by with a couple of steaks he picked up from the butcher and marinated for Tommy and Maria’s dinner tonight. Back in Texas, Joel and Sarah would host pretty legendary barbecues for their friends and family. Joel was always the grill master. He had a way with meat.
There’s a joke there somewhere that Ellie would make. He’s glad she isn’t around to read his mind.
Tommy had asked him to prepare some steaks for them, since Maria’s been craving it. Joel remembers with Sarah’s mom, the late-trimester cravings could hit like a freight train. He has sympathy for his hapless brother trying to make his stubborn wife happy.
Joel knows Tommy is out at the dam this morning, so he sort of dreads the thought of running into Maria without his brother there as a conversational buffer.
Things aren’t… bad per say, but they’re definitely awkward.
He debates leaving the steaks on the porch, but he doesn’t want them to go sour in the warm spring air. What kind of uncle would he be? Poisoning his niece or nephew before they’re even born.
With a reluctant breath, Joel knocks twice on the door, knowing Maria is expecting him.
He hopes for a prompt answer, and an even more prompt conversation. However, Maria doesn’t come to the door as quickly as he’s expecting. He gives her a grace period, considering she’s nearly 30 weeks pregnant and ain’t moving as quick as she surely used to.
But after five minutes and two more knocks, she still doesn’t come to the door. His chest feels tight suddenly, a familiar intuition that he wishes he wasn’t feeling.
She probably just stepped out, he thinks to himself, trying to be rational. Quit frettin’, she’s a grown woman.
But there’s a strange tug in his gut, an unexplainable desire to open the door and make sure everything is okay. Tommy would be devastated if anything happened to his family.
Hesitantly, Joel tries the doorknob. It’s unlocked.
Trying not to let that worry him further, he steps cautiously into the house. Guns aren’t permitted within the walls of Jackson, which he’s presently cursing as he enters completely unarmed, save for a few wax-wrapped flank steaks.
He considers calling her name, but worries if she’s in some sort of danger, an assailant will hear him and be prepared. He doesn’t want to give any attackers proper warning.
Instead, he sets the steak down on the kitchen table, grabs a boning knife from their rack, and heads through the foyer into the den with silent footsteps.
Carefully, he rounds the corner and enters the large family room. His eyes focus on a single person sitting on the couch, facing away from him toward the fireplace mantle.
He detects no other intruders, sees no weapons and doesn’t hear any angry voices.
What he does hear are soft, shuddering breaths, tinted with the slight hints of a whimper. He sees the back of Maria’s head, dark hair pulled behind her shoulders, which are trembling. Joel is confused as hell, until the dots in his head finally connect, and he realizes what he’s just walked in on.
She’s crying.
Oh…fuck this. His first instinct is to whirl on his heels and sprint for the door, escape this unbelievably awkward and tense situation. He doubts she’d want him to see her like this anyway.
But that stupid, nagging pull in his gut won’t let him. This is his brother’s wife, his niece’s mother for crying out loud. Something is wrong. At the very least, he should make sure she’s not in some sort of pain or imminent danger.
Pregnancy is risky, even with access to all the fantastic medical shit they had before the outbreak. These days… Well, he don’t love the idea of leaving her alone.
Not wanting to startle her with the presence she obviously hasn’t heard, he clears his throat, trying to be subtle but also alert her that she isn’t alone.
Maria’s head whips around, her entire body suddenly going stiff with alarm. Her red, watery eyes widen, and she attempts to jolt to her feet quickly, encumbered by the swollen belly between her hips.
“Hey, it’s alright,” Joel tries to sound reassuring, then realizes he’s holding a gigantic kitchen knife.
“Joel what the hell?!” she exclaims, rightfully alarmed and confused.
Okay. Sneaking into her house and creeping up behind her with a knife isn’t going to help his case, is it?
That wasn’t his brightest moment.
“This is not what you think!” he manages.
“It looks like you’ve broken into my house and ambushed me with a knife!”
“Okay, I can understand that’s how it looks, but-”
“Joel seriously what the fuck?”
“You didn’t answer the door, and I have steaks, and I thought- I wasn’t sure if you were…” Joel grimaces, failing miserably to put his paranoid thoughts into a rational order that she might be able to comprehend.
Maria pauses, eyeing him cautiously. She seems to be ruminating over his half-assed explanation, chewing on his words and trying to decide if his intentions are altruistic, or if she’s in danger.
A part of him feels a bit guilty for scaring her like that. Another part of him thinks she’s being a tad fucking dramatic. He’s not going to kill her.
Though, twenty years of him doing just that, may be influencing her rationality. She’s about to become a parent. The fierce protectiveness she must be feeling right now is only amplified by the fact that a man she doesn’t trust just entered her home, uninvited, with a weapon.
Tommy’s gonna fuckin’ lose it when he hears about this.
“Look,” Joel slowly sets the knife down on the end table beside the couch, making it a point to keep his eyes on hers the entire time. “Wasn’t tryna’ kill you. Didn’t know if you were in trouble or something. You didn’t answer the door.”
Maria exhales, nodding once, her eyebrows furrowed. Her shoulders relax slightly, and she blinks rapidly, suddenly seeming aware that he’s walked in on what must be a private moment.
“Sorry,” Joel says tersely, “uh…are you alright?”
Her eyebrows furrow, and one of her arms wraps protectively around her middle.
Joel feels another stab of guilt for frightening her so much. That’s his family there, that baby. And…well, by extension, her too.
“Maybe you oughtta sit down,” Joel suggests.
“Don’t tell me what to do!” she growls, almost like it’s a reflex.
He resists the urge to roll his eyes. “Just tell me you’re fine so I don’t have to worry I’m gonna leave my brother a widower when I walk outta here.”
Maria swallows noisily, nodding once. “I’m fine.”
Even as she says the words, trying to put on a brave, composed face and sound assured, Joel can tell it’s a lie. He ain’t the most intuitive man on Earth, but he’s also not a fuckin’ moron.
“You uh… sure about that?” he asks. “I don’t wanna pry or nothin’...I just noticed… well, sounded like you were cryin’.”
Maria’s expression twists into a scowl, an instant response to being accused of vulnerability. Then, she hesitates, glancing up to meet his eyes.
Her own are still watery and red-rimmed. He’s never looked at her face for this long before. She looks… really sad.
It’s the kind of sadness he knows intimately, he thinks. Based on where she’d been facing the mantle with Sarah and Kevin’s names written on the memorial, he’d place a pretty fat bet on what she’s been thinking about.
She cradles her belly, shifting on her feet and chewing on her lip like she’s trying to come up with a good excuse for the rampant emotion on her face. Like she’s trying to think of a way to justify not being completely strong and fearless.
That, he understands too.
“Sit down,” he urges, but this time his voice is gentler, soft and unhurried.
Now, she takes his advice, lowering herself to the couch with a heavy breath. Joel crosses over the living room slowly, sitting on the opposite loveseat, which leaves a decent amount of breathing room between the two of them. It’s about as close as they’ve ever sat, a few feet away.
“I guess you’re the only person who’d understand,” Maria’s voice is wispy and faroff. She doesn’t look at his face, instead lingering on the mantle.
“Thinking about your son?” Joel inquires, trying not to sound like he’s being invasive. He doesn’t like when people ask about Sarah, so he doesn’t want to cross any boundaries.
Maria just nods again. “Yeah.”
Joel glances at the mantle, eyebrows furrowing as he reads the numbers on Kevin’s memorial. He’s never paid too much attention to it, finding it difficult to read Sarah’s name scrawled in chalk, too hard to look at the dates, and remember how short her life was.
He can’t remember if he knew that Kevin was just shy of three years old when he died. Reading it again today though, feels like fresh, heartbreaking information that he could’ve done without. It makes his chest ache.
It’s easy to feel like you’re the only one who’s been through life-altering tragedy when it happens to you.
Fuck. This kid probably couldn’t even talk properly yet.
“Did you get to bury him?” Joel asks, knowing it’s an insensitive question, but also knowing Maria will understand that he gets it. The privilege to say goodbye, in this world…it’s not one that should go unappreciated.
She nods weakly. “Yeah, we got lucky. We had some time before…” her eyes close, and he knows remembering these things are going to take a toll that she can’t handle today.
He feels a slight relief in his chest, that at least that little baby got laid to rest properly.
“Did you?” Maria asks him. “Bury Sarah?”
Joel swallows thickly. For a moment, he’s overwhelmed with feelings and memories from that night. Sticky blood on his fingers and clothes, her gasping, whimpering breath, a feeling of helplessness that he thought he’d never experience again until Ellie was on that operating table.
Then, he shakes it off. Maria needs someone to talk to, and unfortunately, he’s the only one around.
“No.” He replies stiffly. He doesn’t want to elaborate.
“I’m so sorry,” her voice is rich with empathy, “it’s so fucking unfair.”
“Yeah,” he agrees. “Is that…what’s got you so upset? Just remembering?”
“Not really,” Maria sniffles, wiping at her eyes again. Her hand comes down to rest on the swell of her belly. “I was…feeling guilty. Very guilty.”
Ah. Yet another subject Joel could write a fucking dissertation on.
“For surviving?” Joel guesses.
“That’s a big part of it. But um… this is going to sound stupid.” She shakes her head. “With this baby coming I…I’m afraid…I just don’t want him to ever feel like he’s…being replaced.”
Well, shit. He might as well hand her the Joel Miller Guide to Being Mentally Unstable, because it sounds like she’s going through the exact same things he has.
“It ain’t stupid at all,” Joel tells her truthfully, “I actually eh… get it.”
“Because of Ellie?”
“Mhm.” He nods. “For a while it felt like I was betraying Sarah. But, you know… people have more than one kid. Just because we lost our oldest doesn’t mean they ain’t still our kid.”
“You’re right, I know.” Maria wipes at her eyes again. “I just can’t help but worry that moving on, taking this step is selfish. Like maybe I should just be mourning him forever. Isn’t that what a good mom would do?”
Before Joel can answer, she sniffles again, and drops her head into her hands. Her shoulders are wracked with weeping cries once more, this time, apparently she doesn’t feel the need to hide it from him.
He doesn’t even plan on doing it, isn’t aware of his body as it gets up from the chair and moves to sit beside her on the sofa. She doesn’t flinch away from him like he expects.
Then, in a completely bizarre motion, his arm is circling around her shoulders and she’s leaning into his chest.
It’s all so fucking weird and he didn’t mean to do it, it just happened. This pregnant woman was crying and for a moment she wasn’t his brother’s annoying wife. She’s just a hurting, scared woman who he has more in common with than he ever realized.
He lets her cry into his shirt for a few moments, shuddering and sobbing and shaking. His hand smooths down her arm, and he shushes her quietly like he does with Ellie when she’s awoken from a brutal nightmare. The words are meaningless, whispered sweet nothings to calm a tortured soul.
She needs to let it out, he knows because he’s done the exact opposite for the past two decades, and now it comes out usually at the worst times.
This pain will grab you when you least expect it, and right now, he wants to try and be a safe place for her to feel it.
“Take a breath, now.” Joel murmurs. “You’re alright, I gotcha darlin’. Just breathe, hm? This ain’t no good for ya’. Just try to breathe, slow breaths.”
Maria nods weakly, though she doesn’t remove herself from his arms. He doesn’t rush her, letting her breaths slowly even out as he rubs her arm and tries to pretend this isn’t really fucking weird and out of place for the two of them.
“I-I’m so sorry,” she stammers after a few more minutes. She begins to detangle herself from him, patting under her eyes.
“You got nothin’ to apologize for.” Joel assures her. “And you ain’t a bad mom for having another kid, Maria. The fact that you’re even worried about it tells me everything I need to know about the kind of mom you are.”
A small, hesitant smile breaks across her face. “Do you really believe that, or are you just trying to make me stop crying?”
He chuckles. “I really believe it. Trust me, I ain’t as good a liar as you might think.”
She laughs then, quietly. There are echoes of tears in the sound, but for now it seems the storm has passed.
“I’d like to hear about him.” Joel tells her gently. “If you’d be up to sharing.”
Maria looks a bit surprised by this. “About Kevin?”
“Yeah. I haven’t heard much.” Her fingers palm the swell of her stomach, protective, tender, cautious. Her teeth work over her lower lip, and she averts her gaze.
“You don’t have to,” he adds.
“No, no I actually…think it would help.” Maria admits. “Thinking about some good things.”
“What was his favorite food?” Joel asks, and she smiles.
“He was getting really into barbecue,” Maria says. “We’d cut it up real small for him of course, but any grilled meat, he would always finish his plate. Couldn’t get enough of it.”
“Good man,” Joel nods approvingly, “I hear this one’s got you craving steak. Must take after their big brother.”
Her intake of breath is sharp. “I didn’t even think about that.”
“I swear, they aren’t even related and sometimes Ellie reminds me so much of Sarah I get a little whiplash.” Joel admits. “It’s funny how every kid seems to have a little bit of something to connect them. They just got something good inside ‘em. Makes you wanna be better.”
She watches him with intrigue. “They do. You’re right about that.” She hesitates, then adds, “I…I think you’re doing a really great job. With Ellie.”
His eyebrows arch in puzzlement, not expecting praise to come his way. He isn’t sure if she means it, considering her typical disdain for him, but he’ll take what he can get.
“Thank you,” Joel says. “That… that always helps to hear. Sometimes it ain’t easy. She’s been through a lot.”
“She has.” Maria reaches over and rests her hand on his knee, much to his surprise. “But she’s lucky to have you, Joel. I can see you’ve taken good care of her. And she loves you very much.”
He glances down at her hand, expecting her to whip it off once she realizes where it is. But she doesn’t. She just looks at him sincerely.
“Thank you,” he manages, “that’s…a surprise, coming from you. But not an unwelcome one.”
She nods once. “I won’t apologize for not trusting you when we first met. I believe it was wise.”
“You’re probably right about that.”
“But… I am glad you’re here. Tommy’s been so happy, Ellie seems to be finally living a semi-normal life, and this little one is going to have even more family.” She smiles as she pats her stomach lovingly. “You’ve brought a lot of good with you, Joel.”
Joel blinks rapidly, trying to contain the emotion that her words leave circling his throat.
It’s not something he’d ever expected to hear from this normally stern, unflinching woman. But shit, he’s surprised at how good it actually feels.
For a man whose carried with him nothing but pain and baggage and violence for so long, it’s really fucking nice for someone to think he’s done good.
“I’m sorry we got off on the wrong foot,” he says, “I should do better. Make a better effort.”
“Me too,” she concedes.
“I appreciate all you’ve done for us, for Tommy. For Ellie and me. Saved our goddamn lives, really. This kid is pretty lucky to have such a badass mom. Both of your kids are.”
Her eyelashes flutter, and he can see her trying to hold it together again. “Thank you. You don’t know how badly I needed to hear that.”
“Likewise,” he smiles.
“Thanks for worrying about me. Startling as it was, it’s nice to know you’re ready to knife someone in my defense.”
“Anytime, darlin’.”
She smiles again, and exhales. He feels pretty confident now that she’s okay and won’t devolve into a puddle of tears once he leaves, so he begins to stand up to bid her farewell.
Before his knees straighten out, Maria makes a small noise. It’s not necessarily a pained sound, more a surprised breath, a gasp.
“Maria?” He’s by her side again in an instant, hand on her arm, ready to pull her up and drag her to the clinic.
“I’m alright,” she breathes, “whoa. Just a hard kick.”
Relief settles his shoulders. He glances down at her protruding belly, fleetingly thinking of Sarah’s mom.
They’d been so young when they had her. Joel worked long hours and came home wracked with guilt that he couldn’t give her more. No fancy body pillows or expensive massages, or any of the other luxuries that wealthy pregnant women were afforded in those days.
He did the best he could. He kneaded her aching back with his own fingers (sometimes his elbows, after she convinced him it wouldn’t hurt her) he paid for everything so she could rest and prepare for Sarah’s arrival. He left the delivery room with two splintery fractures in his fingers.
Still, he always felt helpless. When Sarah got rowdy in utero (already a pro soccer player, in his eyes) and kicked hard, or when she couldn’t sleep, or when the morning sickness knocked her on her ass.
She never stayed down for long though. She was one hell of a woman. As incredible as the one sitting in front of him now.
“You sure you’re alright?” He asks Maria.
“Much better now,” she replies, “thanks to you.”
The praise makes his ears feel warm. He can’t think of a reply.
Luckily, he doesn’t have to. Maria gestures to her stomach and asks, “would you want to feel?”
This is a surprising offer as well. Not because Maria is shy about it. Ellie felt the baby move just last week at dinner and remarked how freaky it was before he’d chastised her. Maria hadn’t seemed to take offense though. And these days Tommy isn’t usually seen without her at his side, his hand splayed protectively on her belly. Joel understands.
As much as the PDA makes others groan, he’s glad to see his brother has the same protective instinct that courses through him.
“You sure?” He checks. She’s never offered this to Joel before, and it’s sort of odd, but it’s also pretty fuckin’ nice of her considering how things usually are between them.
“Yeah, of course. You’re their uncle.” She doesn’t wait for a reply, instead grabbing his wrist and pulling his palm to her stomach.
The next moment, he feels a rolling movement beneath his hand, the distinct push of unbelievably tiny feet pressing against flesh. He can’t help but think of Sarah, kicking around in her mom’s belly before she even had a name.
It’s been so long.
Joel is surprised to feel a slightly breathless laugh break out of his lips. Not a dry, gruff chuckle or a snorted response to a shitty pun. A genuine, awestruck laugh that vibrates from his chest.
Maria seems to sense it too, because she laughs as well, and her fingers tighten just a bit on his wrist.
“Wow,” Joel somehow finds words, “that…wow. Been a long time.”
She smiles at him, and Joel feels a surge of affection for his sister in law that he hasn’t since they’ve known each other.
Tough and cold as she may seem, Maria is a good person. That much, he knows.
“Thank you,” he says.
“Don’t thank me.” Maria shakes her head. “We’re family.”
Family. That’s the first time she’s said it, and meant him.
“That’s right.” He nods. “We are.”
For a beat, it’s quiet and calm. They look at each other, warmth radiating between them in a way he didn’t think it ever could. The joy of new life, tying these two people together forever. It’s a little frightening, but also the most exciting thing he’s had to look forward to in a while.
“Well,” he says when the moment feels done, “I left some steaks for you in the kitchen. I oughtta be getting to the Perkins house. Broken floorboard.”
“Of course.” She moves to stand.
“Don’t get up darlin’, I’ll see myself out.” He squeezes her arm once more.
Maria sighs with relief. “Thanks Joel. I’ll…I’ll see you for dinner this Sunday?”
“Lookin’ forward to it.” Joel shoots her a smile and one last parting glance before he heads for the door.
His hand is on the knob when he hears, “Joel?”
He turns just in time to see her waddle her way down the hall to him. He’s about to ask what's wrong, but he’s stopped short by her throwing her arms around his neck and pulling him in for a hug.
It takes his brain a moment to catch up, but he quickly wraps around her and squeezes her against him, resting his chin in her hair.
They’ve never hugged before.
“Thank you,” she whispers, and he isn’t sure if it’s for their talk about Kevin, or for the steaks, but it makes his chest feel full anyway.
“No need, darlin’.” He murmurs.
They separate, and she bids him one small wave before he finally exits on to the front porch, breathing in the warm spring air and the beams of golden sunlight.
He can’t explain it but he feels lighter somehow.
That was a weird fuckin’ morning. Not bad weird but… certainly not what he’d been expecting. And he forgot to ask about shift changes to match Ellie’s schedule. He guesses he can ask her on Sunday.
Joel begins his walk toward the Perkins’ house, already planning a barbecue marinade to bring over tomorrow night. Maria will like that.