Archive of Our Own

It was Monday, September 25th the day I knew I lost the person I cherish the most. It was currently 8:30 in the morning, and my first period was English taught by one of the most loved teachers at my high school, Ms. Kim. I’m not gonna lie, I actually did kinda enjoy her class. She was a pretty cool teacher and got along with the students. But I really think the main reason I enjoyed her class was because you can really tell that she enjoys teaching and actually goes out of her way to be a good teacher. I actually learned things in this class. 

She was still a fun teacher while acting like a real adult. She knew how to act. I think that’s why I liked her so much but if I’m being honest I think the real reason was because she was in my class. 

She being Danielle Marsh, my best friend since the age of 8 who I've been in love with for as long as I can remember. I still remember her moving in from across the street. I was playing basketball with my cousin Soobin when a big suv I've never seen before pulled up in our neighborhood. This caused us to stop playing for a second watching a man get out of the driver's side. We were really curious since that house had been empty for as long as we could remember. Me and Soobin were really close because he was my neighbor and both of our dads are brothers but I think it was also because we both understood each other. I mean we were both pretty quiet and introverted but together we just clicked. He’s a year older than me. 

Anyways, I remember all the doors of the car opened at the same time after the man stepped out. A woman and two younger girls followed.

“Oh a family of four.” Soobin said to me as we watched as they grabbed things from the trunk taking them inside. I remember her looking over to us waving. She was smiling a really big smile, a warm smile. It was very welcoming, very beautiful. All me and Soobin could do was wave back slowly as she was yelled at by the older girl who was obviously her older sister to come inside already. She turned and ran inside with a bag that looked bigger than her and I watched as she disappeared inside.

“She seems nice.” Was all soobin added as he kept shooting his shots missing every single one. He was never really good at basketball or any other sport really but he always played with me. 

“Yeah…” I said putting my hands up telling him to pass me the ball which he did. I shot the ball and made it.

“Wow, look at you.” Soobin laughed. I ignored him. If I'm being honest I remember hoping that she was still watching somehow. 

She sat a few rows in front of me which she complained about because she wanted to sit next to me but I kinda liked it since I was able to look at her as much as I wanted without her noticing me. That’s what I usually did during this class. Looking at her was one of my favorite things. She was looking at the teacher since she was talking about something, probably something important. I'm not sure it's fine.  I can ask her about it later. 

She moved her focus from the teacher to her paper. She was scribbling something she looked focused on whatever she was currently writing. She was doing this for a while when she pulled out her phone and started typing. That’s when I got a text. Oh she texted the group chat. The group chat consisted of me, Danielle, Minji, Hanni and Hyein. Danielle met Minji and Hanni our freshman year. They were a year older than us and they shared a class with Danielle, Art. She introduced me to them both and said I would get along with them. She even told Minji I played basketball which made the older girl look at me with a smile. I remember how excited she looked when she found out I played. 

“Ah! Haerin you play? What team do you like? Oh you should definitely try out for the basketball team with me!” I remember her saying as she threw her fist to her palm excitedly. No thanks I remember thinking as soon as those words left her mouth but instead I just nodded with a small smile hoping this wasn't going to be a regular topic. I was wrong. Hanni on the other hand was short, especially compared to Minji. It was kinda funny. I remember her saying hi and excusing Minji which caused Minji to just roll her eyes. They seem fun. I remember thinking as they started to bicker over Hanni apologizing to me. 

“What, I was just being nice, I'm curious okay?.” Minji said as Hanni just crossed her arms and started giving her attention back to both me and Danielle causing Minji to let out a whine. That’s when I knew that these people seemed pretty cool actually. 

Now Hyein was new and Minji's Friend. Their parents worked together so she introduced her to us. She was a freshman. It was honestly super easy to become friends with her. I was able to get comfortable with Hyein way easier than Minji and Hanni. It surprised me honestly. I didn't expect to get along so well with the younger girl. I think it’s because of how easy it was to talk to her even if she was younger it didn’t seem like I was talking to someone younger than me. 

I pulled out my phone to read the message she sent.

Danielle <3

Guys I have something super important to tell you during break!

Hanni

Ohhh what just tell us now why wait 

Hyein

Yeah why wait now you have me curious in math :(

Minji 

Boo math but yea just tell us rn

I like math.

This caused both Hyein and Minji to dislike my message. I laughed a little at this.

Danielle <3

Noooo Lol just wait I have to say it in person!

Hanni

Fine 

Hyein

Okay :( 

Minji

Lame

I didn’t reply to this. I just looked over at her again and she was still on her phone. I finally looked back at Ms. Kim who was explaining something that was important. 

“So that’s why I'm hosting the poetry contest and no you don’t have to participate but I really hope that you guys do, you guys really are amazing writers so don’t be scared to share your art,” Ms. Kim said as the bell rang. Oh? class was over already that was fast. I didn't think I was spacing out that much. I couldn't even listen to whatever Ms. Kim was talking about. I quickly packed up my stuff as everyone was already leaving. Danielle was currently talking to the teacher as I walked over with a smile.

“Yeah, I'm really excited about this contest. I promise I'll turn in my best work!” I heard Danielle say giving a thumbs up. 

“I know you will Danielle, you're a very talented writer,” Ms Kim said smiling as she grabbed some papers and put them on her desk, “Good Morning Hearin. What about you, you planning on turning in a poem for the contest?” 

“You should! We should totally turn one in together!” Danielle said excitedly as she grabbed my arm to pull me closer. I just let her. I always let her do whatever even if I felt like my heart was going to burst out of my chest every time she’d touch me. 

“Yeah definitely you’re a very talented writer too Haerin so don’t be shy okay.” Ms Kim added.

“Ah I don’t know stuff like this isn’t really my thing.” I said, trying to shift the focus off me. 

“Well it’s always an option I'm not going to force you,” Ms. Kim said, turning over to look at us with a smile. “Well you two should probably get to your next class there’s still time for you not to be late.” She added looking over at the clock.

“Oh yea definitely bye we’ll see you later.” Danielle said as she started walking out the class dragging me with her. 

“Goodbye.” 

We were still walking arm in arm heading towards our next classes. She always walked me to my next class and sometimes we'd switch and I'd drop her off. I turned to look at her and she was smiling. “You seem to be in a really good mood today.” I said I mean she was always in a good mood but today she seemed extra cheerful. That was one of my favorite things about her.

“Because I am Haerin,” She replied smiling at me, “I really do have some awesome news to tell you and the girls I'm excited to finally share it.” 

Oh? Now I'm really curious if she kept it a secret. I nodded back in response as we made it to my class. She finally let go of my arm and gave me a little wave before I stepped inside my class.

That class went by fast and when the bell rang Danielle was already waiting for me to walk to our table to meet up with the rest of the girls. When we got there Minji was going over what we were planning on doing for practice today to Hyein while Hanni just listened. 

“Hi guys,” Danielle said happily, as we sat down. She sat down next to Hanni as I sat across from them next to Minji and Hyein.

“Hi, so now that it's finally break tell us the news you just had to wait to tell in person.” Hanni said as everyone looked over at Danielle who started to play with her hair. Why does she seem so nervous? Her face even seemed to be a bit red.

“Well there’s this guy in my math class and he sits next to me,” 

“Okay?.” Hanni said with a smile. 

Oh.

“So since we're both kinda bad at math he asked for my number so we could text about homework and stuff well it started to become more than texting about homework and he confessed to me last night!” 

Oh no. 

“WHAT GIRL! why did you barely share this now?” Hanni and Hyein said Loudly with a smile on their faces. I was just sitting there in shock. When? How? Why? I could feel Minji's side eyeing me. It was bothering me.

“I don’t know really,” Danielle said, using her hands to cover her face in embarrassment, “But I said yes!” She said with a big smile. This was the exact moment I knew I lost. That was the first time in my life I actually didn’t want to see her smile. 

How did she not even mention this guy even once? Like not once. How important can he be if she hasn’t even said his name? Maybe she did after that conversation. The bell rang and I got up as fast as I could making my way to my next class. Math god the timing. I was quickly caught up by Minji who ran up next to me. We both had math together. 

“Sooo Dani’s new boyfriend? Crazy.” was all Minji said awkwardly looking for my reaction. Did she want to be annoying or something? This couldn’t be her way of comforting either that or she just really didn’t know what to say. I just hummed back not looking at her. I didn't even want to see the face she was making. The rest of the day went by fast but I felt like I was dying.

I annoyingly had basketball practice today. I was about to ditch when I got a text.

Danielle <3

Haerin where you at? Want to walk home together or do you have practice?

Never mind, I was going to practice after all.

Danielle <3

Oh Josh said he can take me home! perks of having a bf who drives lol

Josh? What a stupid name. I could’ve gone at least this whole day without knowing this random dude's name but of course it didn’t go my way. I didn’t reply. I'll reply later. I'll make up an excuse. Maybe I could say Minji had me running laps since I was late or something so I wasn't on my phone. 

I made it to the locker room to change into my practice clothes. If i'm being honest if I really had the option I would not be on the basketball team but because of all the whining and begging Minji did I just caved in because of how annoying it was getting. And with the persuasion of Danielle. 

“Please Haerin you need to join the basketball team we need you!” Minji yelled as she grabbed my shoulders, shaking me. 

“Dude stop I don’t want to be on the stupid basketball team plus the only good players are you and Hyein everyone else sucks.” I said, grabbing Minji's hands and pulling them off me. This girl really never understood personal space.

“And you if you’d join!” She said smiling hoping that this would change my mind.

“Minji leave her alone, she said no.” Hanni said, grabbing Minji and pulling her away from me.

“Thanks.” I said rubbing my shoulders. Damn she did not have to grab me that hard. 

“But Hanni, we need her on the team!” Minji said, sulking as she buried her face into Hannis neck. Hanni just caressed Minji's back comforting the older girl. What a baby I thought trying not to laugh. 

“You should join Haerin,” I heard a familiar voice say, “I mean you are really good I think you’ll really enjoy it.” Danielle said smiling as she took a bite of her carrots she got from the school lunch. 

“Oh you really think so?” I said this made me happy since she thought I was good but she always tells me how good I am but every time she tells me it makes me super happy. 

“Yes!” Minji said smiling. I just looked at her with an annoyed face quickly turning back to Danielle who nodded her head in agreement. 

“Totally and I promise I’ll make it to every one of your games I swear, I’ll always be your number one fan Haerin.” She said, looking at me softly.

“Really?” I said, I felt elated. Honestly her just telling me I should because I was good was already convincing enough but now I definitely wanted to do it. I wanted to be able to do something that impressed her and if that meant playing basketball on the shitty high school team then I would do it. “Okay I’ll do it.” I added. This ended up getting me a loud cheer of joy from both Minji and Hyein as they high fived. 

I stepped into the gym and sighed Minji and Hyein were already in there playing around the world, “Where’s everyone else?” I asked and looked around. I wasn't joking when I said they sucked. 

“Oh they’re coming just late.” Minji said as she shot and made it. 

“And our coach?” I asked. 

“Not coming today.” Hyein said 

“Maybe if you checked the group chat you’d know.” Minji added as she passed the ball to Hyein who also shot and made it. 

“Whatever, I turned off my phone, so.” I said walking over to the big basket they pulled out of the closet to grab a basketball.

“Hmm.” Was all I got back in reply from Minji as I felt each ball seeing which one actually had air in them. Most of them were flat. 

“Guys have you ever seen Dani's boyfriend?” Hyein said changing the subject. I really hoped we'd just talk about something else I came to practice to NOT think about that. I could never get mad at Hyein though she was a sweet kid. 

“I was honestly so surprised like wow I was not expecting that to be the news like she didn’t even tell Haerin that’s the most surprising part to me!” Hyein said, looking at me with a smile. 

“Uh Hyein lets focus on your free throws yea?” Minji said with an awkward smile. Ugh Minji was so. 

“What! But my free throws are perfectly fine.” Hyein whined at the remark Minji made.

“No, during games you always choke and miss most of them, let's just do a couple before everyone gets here.” Minji said pointing at the free throw line which Hyein walked over to with a frown. 

I don’t know exactly when Minji figured out I had a crush on Danielle but she found out. I didn’t think I was that obvious about it. Maybe I was and just thought I was being lowkey about it. I was pretty sure Hanni knew about it too since everything Minji knew Hanni ends up knowing but Minji actually kept her mouth shut and didn’t tell her. We used to never really talk about it but Minji would make small remarks about it during practice with an oblivious Hyein. I would just ignore her. 

Until this one time after practice. So basically Minji takes both me and Hyein home after every practice. Hyein is the first one to get dropped off since she lived the closest to the school which made me last and I had to sit there in the passenger's seat as Minji talked about her day, practice, Hanni, and how the Warriors either lost or won the game last night. I would just listen to the girl as she would just ramble about the most random things.

“And the warriors would have definitely won last night if they did that. I'm so mad.” She sighed out, ending her rambling with that. 

“Yeah.” Was all I said in reply. She looked over at me finally taking her focus away from the road for a second. 

“Do you have anything on your mind?” She asked me, “You can talk to me Haerin you know that right we are friends after all.”

“I know.” I said still not looking at her. She just continued.

“Yeah so there’s actually something I wanted to tell you,” Minji said as she started to tap her fingers on the steering wheel. This caused me to actually look at her. “Let's go get something to eat? I'll pay.” Honestly I was hungry and I knew there wasn't going to be anything at home for me to eat so I agreed. 

She took me to In n Out. Wow she really did know me huh. We ordered and sat outside. I remember being glad I wore a Jacket since it was kinda cold. Not Minji though she was wearing a jersey with shorts she didn’t even bother to change after practice.

I was drinking the vanilla milkshake she bought me when she just randomly blurted out. “Hanni and I are dating y'know.” I just looked at her confused.

“Uh okay?” Was all I added to that. 

“Yeah so y’know we can relate to that.” She said with a smile grabbing one of the animal style fries she ordered as she ate it.

“Okay.” I didn’t really know what to add if I'm being honest.

“Y’know since you have a crush on Dani.” Oh she wants to talk about that. 

“Yeah and what about it?” I said taking a bite out of my cheeseburger, “You probably told Hanni about it, didn't you can’t even keep a secret I bet.” I said with my mouth full I didn’t care. 

“I actually didn't,” Minji said frowning, “Not unless you want me to.”

“I don’t.”

“Okay. I won't, it'll just be between you and me. Swear.” She said holding out her pinky. 

“Are you being for real?” I said laughing, “What are you five?”

“Haerin stop I’m actually being serious here I want you to talk to me.” Minji said, still holding out her pinky. I could tell she was being genuine. I put my cheeseburger down and whipped my hands with my napkin and held out my pinky which she happily locked her own with. 

“Sooo? Please tell me everything.” She smiled as she unhooked our pinky’s to continue eating her fries. That night all I did was talk about Danielle. When we met, when I realized I loved her, the way she made me feel, and how happy she made me. That was probably one of the best memories I have with Minji. 

After everyone actually showed up. almost an hour late I might add. We did some running and practiced our dribbling. We ended the night with our usual scrimmage. Minji always made sure to split us up evenly in the teams because like I said before most of them weren’t that good. They all only joined either because they were forced or they had a crush on Minji and they didn’t even bother making it a secret.

Minji dropped Hyein off and we both said goodbye to the younger girl as we waited till she got inside. The car ride was silent. I think Minji knew I didn’t want to talk about it, which I appreciated. We finally made it to my house. I said thanks and goodnight. She just nodded with a sad smile. I closed the door and walked over to my front door. She waited till I was inside before driving away. I got home and of course my parents weren’t home yet. They’re never home, always working.

“We're doing this for you Haerin.”

“I left money on the table. You can order pizza or something but I'm going to be busy all day so don’t bother texting or calling.”

“There’s nothing to eat here, just walk over to Soobins, his parents texted me saying they made dinner and want you to join them.”

Whatever.

I threw my backpack and gym bag on the floor and went upstairs to shower. I was so tired and I had a horrible day. The girl I'm in love with is gone and it's all my fault since I never did anything about it. I let her go and now she’s dating some older guy with a car. I got out of the shower and blow dried my hair to sleep. 

That’s when I heard a car coming up to our neighborhood. The music was loud. I looked out my window and across the street I saw a car parked out in Danielles driveway. Ugh. I watched waiting for her to come out. They stayed there for a while. It felt like a punch to the gut the longer they stayed in that car. Finally she got out and I sighed. She’s so pretty. She was smiling like always and waved as she closed the passenger door walking up to her door. He drove off before she even went inside. Fucking asshole couldn’t even wait or walk her. I watched as she opened her door and disappeared inside. She sent her usual “Goodnight <3” text which I didn’t reply to. He probably got the same text. That night I cried. I haven't done that in a while. 

I never really did cry when I was younger. Maybe it was because of my parents but the thought of crying in front of people or just even showing feelings of being vulnerable made me cringe. 

They never liked when I cried or at least my dad never liked it. My mom on the other hand just let him say and do whatever he wanted. 

Like this one time when I was 10. I really upset him. 

“Haerin, stop crying this instant. You are embarrassing me.” I remember him telling me as he grabbed my arm. This was at a work party my parents dragged me to. Some boy there decided it would be funny to steal the bracelet Danielle made me. I begged my dad to make the boy give me back my bracelet. Maybe it was the way I was pulling on his shirt or the way I was stomping my feet. But I really pissed him off. 

“I apologize about her. Kids, am I right,” He said jokingly to his coworkers as his grip on my arm tightened. The drive home he told me how embarrassing I was for making a scene at the party. 

“Don’t you ever embarrass me like that again you understand, crying like a spoiled brat. I don't need my employers to think I have a weak child who cries over stupid crap as a daughter.” My dad told me looking at me through the rear view mirror I nodded as he made me promise to never cry like that in front of people again. 

Because to him crying was a form of weakness. 

The next day I remember trying not to ball my eyes out when Danielle asked me where my bracelet went. We were sitting in her living room as she comforted me as I told her what happened. This caused her to get up and throw her hand in the air in anger. 

“Oh what a meanie!” She said, stomping her feet. I let out a small laugh at this as she sat back down next to me. 

“I’m sorry.” I said. 

“It’s okay Haerin, I'll make you a new one, a better one.” She smiled as she grabbed my hand, interlocking our fingers. I remember the feeling of my face heating up as she held my hand. 

But the last time I cried was when my grandma died. I was 14 years old. During her burial I remember the tears that fell out my eyes and I quickly used my hand to wipe them away. I was very close with my grandma since my parents were never there. She was usually always the one taking care of me that’s why when she died I felt like I lost a bit of myself that day. She was my maternal grandmother, I never met my grandfather since he died before I was born. Other than Soobin and his family she was the only other family I had. I never saw my paternal grandparents, they didn’t live near us so we rarely ever saw them only on really special occasions when our whole family would get together. It was always very awkward.

I remember Soobin who was 15 at the time coming over to comfort me. I felt as he put his arm around me pulling me in for a hug as I continued to cry into his shoulder. I remember my dad telling me to stop crying. We both ignored him. 

“Haerin, stop crying, your grandmother wouldn’t want that. You’re not weak.” I heard my dad spit out. God I hated him so much that day. My face was still in Soobins shoulder as I continued to cry. I didn’t care, not that day at least. 

I woke up with a headache grabbing my phone to snooze my alarm as I slowly blinked looking at the time 6:30. I sighed I kinda just wanted to stay home and not see anyone especially Danielle I don’t think I can see her. I avoided her all day yesterday after her announcement during break making some dumb excuse during lunch. “Oh I have to go talk to my history teacher about some work I missed.” I remember saying something like that disappearing that whole lunch. 

But since I was already up I decided to get ready. I was brushing my teeth when I got a text from Soobin.

Soobin

Be ready by 7:30

I just liked the message I didn’t feel like replying. As soon as I was about to place my phone down I received another text from Danielle. I stopped what I was doing, scared to even look at what she sent me. I still haven’t replied to her texts from yesterday and I silenced my notifications last night.

Danielle <3

Tell Soobin I don’t need a ride today. Thanks <3

I definitely wasn't replying to this text either. Because I know why she doesn’t need a ride it was obvious why because her boyfriend was picking her up. Soobin was always the one who took us to school. He was able to drive and we’re neighbors. It just worked out it was either Soobin or the bus which was a no for me. Soobin is in the same grade with Minji and Hanni and as soon as he could he got his driver's license. He really likes driving and cars. And he’s actually going out of his way to teach me how to drive when he has time of course since he works weekdays after school and every once in a while has weekends off. 

I quickly finished getting ready and threw on whatever I saw first, which was a gray sweater and some jeans. That's the good thing about me. I usually never had a hard time picking out clothes to wear. It was exactly 7:30 when I heard Soobin honk his horn. I quickly grabbed my backpack and gym bag and headed to the front door. He was currently focused on across the street as he saw that stupid car pull up to Danielles drive driveway. As soon as I saw that front door open I made sure I was already in his car's passenger seat ignoring the bright girls waving, I could see Soobin waving back from the corner of my eye. I didn’t, I couldn’t.

“So no Danielle?” Was allI heard him say to me. Before quickly backing up from my driveway and leaving for school. I actually used to enjoy mornings that was my Dani time before we were with the rest of our friends. Usually in the mornings I would sit in the back with Danielle after all this and English was the time that I was able to just spend time with only her before school so I would always sit in the back and enjoy that drive with her and Soobin would even get us starbucks when he was feeling nice. But now it was just me and Soobin. He also knew about my crush. 

He always said jokingly, “I think the day we first saw her you fell in love. The day she moved in.” I always just told him to shut up when he’d say this but I think he’s right. 

He finally broke the silence, “Who was that?” I don’t want to say. Why do I have to explain it? I don't want to. I want to act like he doesn’t even exist like this isn’t even real. I swear I haven’t even seen this dude and I hate him. I hate his stupid car. Why did he even ask her out? Out of everyone why her he could’ve asked literally anyone else so why her. No, that was a stupid question because I know why he chose her. You had to be the biggest idiot to not choose her. 

“Her boyfriend.” I said so low it was almost a whisper. I never wanted those words to ever leave my mouth. 

“Oh,” Was all he said back, “Are you.. are you okay?” 

Obviously not, “No.” 

“I’m so sorry Haerin,” He said he looked so sad like Minji did last night when she dropped me off. This was kinda pissing me off. I didn’t reply to this, “You want to talk about it? This such a shitty situation having the person you’re in lo—” 

“Can I hang out with you today.” I quickly said cutting him off, not letting him finish. It wasn't even a question I was going to hang out with him anyway I don’t want to see her with him. But I also didn’t want people to give me a pity party and I feel like that’s all I was getting from the two people who know about my feelings for Danielle. It made me feel worse like I was some little kid who’s crush rejected them or something and had to make her friends feel bad. No, I don’t want to even think about that. About him or even her. 

“Oh sure but you don’t even like hanging out with my friends.” He said, turning on the radio. It’s not like we don’t talk at school. I mean we always say hi when we see each other but since we do have our own friends and our main hang out spots are not that close to each other we rarely see each other only in the mornings and sometimes after school. 

“When did I say that? I never said that.” I said looking at him. honestly I probably did say that I always told him that he and his friends were nerds. I mean I wasn't wrong. 

“Yes you did!” He said laughing, “I have the texts, all the proof!” He pulled out his phone going through our texts. 

“Focus on the road you loser.” I said laughing at how serious he was at showing me these texts that I probably did send. We continued laughing for a couple more seconds but I stopped as I remembered the situation. 

“Of course you can.” He said as we finally pulled up to school. He quickly parked in his usual spot. I stepped out and followed him to his usual table. Kai was already sitting down on his switch as always. 

“Sup.” Soobin said, sitting down putting his backpack on the table. This got Kai to look up from his switch for a split second he looked over at me.

“Oh hi Haerin.” He said smiling. Kai was in my grade. He was always my favorite of Soobins friends. He was always so sweet. 

“Hi Kai.” I said sitting down after Soobin. 

“Um hello I said hi first?” Soobin said sarcastically, putting his hand up waving it in Kai’s face. 

“Yeah but Haerin is cooler than you so.” Kai said laughing. I smiled at this.

“Hey!” Soobin said. I suddenly felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I decided to ignore it. It can wait. I was actually enjoying something.

I walked over to Ms. Kim's class and quickly took my seat and put on my airpods. I still had like five minutes before class started. That’s when a familiar figure came to my point of view. I felt as she softly touched my shoulder to get my attention. I paused my music and lifted my head up a bit trying my hardest to make eye contact with Danielle.

“Haerin did you get my text?” She asked me she pulled out her phone to show me the last text she sent. 

Haerin if you’re still with Soobin can you ask Kai to let me borrow his book for Ms. Kim's class? I forgot mine at home like an idiot. 

Oh no I didn’t see this text.

Kai also has Ms. Kim's class but he has it second period. We were currently reading a book for English which I still haven’t touched since picking it up from the library. 

“Oh I’m sorry I didn’t see it,” I said, “My notifications are silenced right now so.”

“Oh, you haven’t been replying to me so I was just confused that’s all.” She said with a unsure smile. I could tell she was upset about that.

“Yeah my bad.” I said and turned my head back to my phone pressing play on my music again. I didn’t want to look at her anymore. It hurt so much I could see her turn around going over to her seat. The bell rang and Ms. Kim took the role and gave us time to read the book in class. Danielle raised her hand to tell her she forgot her book at her house. I watched as Ms. Kim gave her the copy she had. During the 20 minute reading time I couldn’t focus at all on the book. I felt like a jerk Danielle was already realizing that I was ignoring her. 

The bell finally rang and I saw Danielle get up and head straight to the door. She didn’t even wait for me. I quickly followed. I need to apologize for not answering. I'm being weird, she doesn’t deserve that. And as soon as I left that classroom I automatically regretted this decision. I finally saw him. He was waiting for her. He was tall, and had brown hair. He looked.. so plain? His back was against a wall and I saw as his face lit up when he noticed Danielle walking toward him. She had her back to me but it pains me when the thought of her giving him one of her loving smiles comes to mind. Nope. 

I turned the opposite way. I wondered if Danielle even noticed we didn’t do our usual arm in arm walk to our next classes. Well I guess she has a new walking partner now. 

Sometimes I think I need Danielle more than she needs me. 

I could feel my phone buzzing. I checked it and it was the group chat. I didn’t look at the messages. I made my way to the girls bathroom looking at one of the posters on the door.

Students! Get Ready for Homecoming!!

I skimmed the rest of the poster. It was on October 28th about a month from now. And the theme was Under the Sea. Lame. I quickly entered and left the bathroom as soon as I could avoiding all the people who were either vaping or just skipping. 

My second period was science. I couldn't even pay attention to anything my teacher was saying. So much was on my mind right now. Should I just ignore her? What would happen? I don’t think I can see her with her boyfriend again. But we literally live across the street from each other so how the hell do I even avoid her? Should I just spend the rest of the day with Soobin or my actual friends? God her boyfriend looks so dumb. And she’s so pretty. 

Okay I’ll spend break and lunch with Danielle and the girls today. I decided. I quickly sent a text to Soobin letting him know that I changed my mind.

The bell rang and I left as soon as I could and I was surprised to see Danielle there waiting for me. No Josh thank god. 

“You’re here.” This made her look at me confused.

“Of course I'm here silly? She laughed as she took my arm, “I’m always picking you up after second period, and you left so suddenly after first I turned around and you were gone.” 

“Oh yea sorry I had to go to the bathroom.” Which was half true. I wasnt going to tell her that as soon as I saw her with him I turned around without even thinking. 

“Still let me know when you’re just going to disappear okay? We are best friends, you know.” Right best friends is what we are, and that’s all we'll ever be. 

The whole break I was anxious that Josh was just going to jump out of nowhere and invite himself over to our table. He seems like the type. Luckily he didn’t. I was able to actually enjoy a break well, kinda. Most of the time Hanni and Danielle would just talk about her new boyfriend with a not so subtle Minji trying to change the subject like four different times. Honestly I appreciated this she really was trying. 

A good thing about me though is how easy it is to drown people out. I shifted my focus to Hyein who was currently explaining to Minji how she has an essay due in two days but she was able to get half of it done in class today you can tell she was very proud. Me and Minji both clapped our hands and said good job. Hyein really was precious. 

After break, me and Minji left together for math but before I could even walk away she nudged me to wave goodbye to Danielle and the girls which I did this got me a smile and a wave from Danielle as she turned around to continue talking to Hanni and Hyein. 

Me and Minji walked in silence to math, not in an awkward silence more like that comfortable silence. We got to our class and sat down at our table. The funny thing about this class is that most of the time it’s Minji asking me questions because she swears I explain it better than the teacher. Minji wasn't bad at math. Honestly, I think its the way you explain it because when I did explain it to her she would understand what we were doing. So maybe she was right about the teacher being bad at explaining. 

The class started and after a while our teacher wanted us to get graph paper to sketch out our graph we were doing together as a class. Minji pulled out two pieces of graph paper from her binder and handed one to me.

“Thanks.”

“Haerin, remember we have practice today,” She said sternly. Oh right I forgot about that. 

“Yeah, I got it.” I replied drawing my graph even going ahead of the teacher since I already knew what to do. 

“Good, it's important too. We have this one today, another on Thursday and our games on friday. We need to win this game.” She said, looking at me. 

“Mhmm.” I said as I continued drawing my graph not looking up at her. 

I heard her sigh at my response as she started working on her own graph too. 

Lunch came around pretty quickly and I took my place on our table in my usual spot across from Danielle. She was already talking with Hanni and Hyein and of course it was about her boyfriend. 

I guess ruining my morning wasn't enough for this guy because he decided to come over and “Introduce himself” I saw as she turned to finally face me with a big smile on her face which made me quickly realize she wasn't looking at me rather who was behind me. I turned around and saw him again but now he was walking over to us.

“Hey babe.” I heard him say as he sat down putting his hand around her shoulder. Kill me now. 

“Hi.” She replied moving her hand to hold onto his own that was draped across her shoulder. Please kill me now. 

Hanni and Hyein started talking to him as if we knew him all our life. That whole lunch sucked me and Minji just stayed quite the whole time as they all chatted like friends. When Minji suddenly shoved her phone to my face. The text read. 

DUDE omfg he’s literally the captain of the damn boys bb team

Oh he was that Josh. The star of the boys basketball team. Even worse. Older guy. Has a car. And now the boys basketball team captain. 

He suddenly looked over at me. 

Please don’t talk to me.

“Hey you’re Haerin right?” He asked, holding his hand out. This caused everyone to look at me.

Please just leave me alone. 

“Yeah Danielle talks about you all the time so I feel like I know you sometimes.” He says laughing. Honestly I was debating whether to shake his hand or not. I did, not for him but for Danielle I nodded my head and let go quickly, wiping my hand on my pants. Too obvious? I didn't really care. 

“Yeah..” He said I could feel the mood change a bit but Hanni broke the silence after that by asking him a question about basketball or something and they all continued to talk. As soon as lunch ended I was gone. I had one more class then it was over finally. 

I was shaking my leg watching the time go by the whole class and when it was finally the last five minutes I pulled out my phone to text Soobin.

Hey wait for me after school I need a ride home.

He replied quickly.

Soobin

Kay, you don’t have practice? 

No.

I wasn't planning on going. And I'll tell him the truth when he drops me off. I don't want him to try to talk me out of skipping or something. As for Minji… I don’t know I'll figure out how to deal with her angry texts later. I just wanted to go home. 

When class was over I left the classroom fast. I wasn't sure if Danielle and her boyfriend were going to just pop up or something. I quickly found Soobin who told me to hurry up. We quickly made it to his car and I let out a sigh this caused him to look at me.

“You good?”

“No,” I replied, burying my face into my hands, “Danielle's boyfriend came to sit with us during lunch and get this he’s the captain of the boys varsity basketball team.” 

“Oh wow,” Soobin said, frowning but he quickly patted my back for comfort, “Hey how bout you stay over at my house today and I’ll order food and we can talk about it if you want. What are you feeling right now?”

“Honestly mexican food sounds good at the moment.”

“Perfect.” He said leaving his usual spot. When we got to our neighborhood he dropped me off to grab the things I needed to stay over as he went to pick up our order. After grabbing my stuff I walked over to Soobins letting myself in since I did have my own key. No one was home. 

The difference between us though was that his parents actually did come home from work. Sometimes mine don’t come home after several days. And they always tried to eat dinner together when they could of course. 

I remember when we were little me and Soobin actually used to eat dinner a lot with Danielle's family since ours is usually busy. Soobin also has two older siblings. I'm not as close to them as I am with Soobin since they are a bit older and I rarely saw them so it was always nice to see them when they were home. 

I made my way to Soobins living room and laid down on the couch. I turned on the TV. I flipped through the channels and landed on Harry Potter. I guess there was a marathon going on today. I'm not sure but the second one was playing. I left the TV at that and it made me think of Hyein because of how much she loves Harry Potter. Now the guilt was really getting to me. I ditched both Hyein and Minji because I was feeling sad. That wasn't a good excuse. I was getting tired and I felt my phone bussing. Probably Minji texting me where I'm at. I could feel my eyes get heavy as I feel asleep 

I woke up from my quick nap by Soobin as he yelled he was back. I sat up and turned to look at him. He lifted the bag of food that carried our burritos and tacos with a smile. He sat next to me and placed the food on the coffee table. 

“Why’d you put this on?” He said while taking out the food.

“I don’t know.” I shrugged as I grabbed one of the tacos. 

“Alright,” He shrugged back, grabbing his burrito. After eating and watching the movie for a bit he started speaking again, “So wanna talk about how you’re feeling now?” 

The movie was ending anyway so whatever. Time to be vulnerable and then hate myself for talking about my problems! 

We stayed in silence for a while as I tried to find the right words to say. I didn’t know how to start. 

“Uh so I feel like I’m literally falling apart like I lost in a game I wasn't even playing.” I said my voice was shaking I already felt like I was going to cry. “I..I don’t know what to do I don’t even have the right to be upset becuase I’m just her best friend and I can’t even be happy for her? It just hurts to much knowing I lost her. I never even took a chance and now I can’t even take one if I wanted to.” I was looking at the floor saying this. I knew that if I looked at him I would definitely cry.

“But I lost. He won. I bet he doesn’t even know what her favorite color is to paint her nails is or how she likes to write poetry or how she loves singing and watching movies especially musicals because she can sing along or how much she likes the beach or how she always hums when she’s doing something like writing or homework he probably doesn’t even know her favorite color,” I spit out, “And now im being an idiot and avoiding her because being with her hurts even though its all my fault for letting her go I don’t know why I was acting like I had a chance or anything she’s always only seen me as her best friend I never had a chance I really am stupid sorry if I’m just rambling I feel like a burden whenever I talk about my feelings.” 

“Haerin you’re not stupid,” Soobin said as he nudged my arm, “You love her she’s your best friend you’re not dumb and confessing to people can be scary and she’s your friend and it's natural to have feelings for people it's not an easy situation since your friendship is important. And you’re not a burden dude. You can hang out with me and my friends tomorrow if you want or for however long you want.” He pulled me into a hug and it reminded me of when we were 14 and 15 I started to cry on his shoulder. 

We stayed like that for a good minute but I remembered that I was going to tell him the truth. “Oh by the way I did have practice and skipped sorry for lying.” I said as I moved myself away from his shoulder.

“What! dude Minji is going to be so mad at me for taking you home.” He yelled back in a panic. This just made us both laugh. Minji really could be scary if you pissed her off.

An hour or two passed as we continued to watch the Harry Potter marathon. Honestly this whole sleepover reminded me of when we were kids since me, Danielle and Soobin would have them regularly. Like this one time I remember we really got into this game of Uno. Danielle was really passionate about winning. I remember Soobins face as she placed down her plus four with a grin. And I remember when Soobin placed his plus four down she got up and started chasing him around the house even though I was the one who reversed it. I laughed so much that night. 

I really am glad I talked to Soobin about this. It felt like some of the weight I was carrying finally lifted up well some and I knew I wasn't alone I had Soobin to always lean on. Now how am I going to tell Minji? I looked at my phone to read her messages. I'm not going to lie, I was kinda scared.

Minji

Haerin, where are you?

Are you going to be late or something you should’ve told me before 

Where the hell are you Kang Haerin 

I’m not playing around you said you’d be here 

Look I know you’re not feeling the best right now but you can’t just fucking ditch when you feel like it 

Not gonna answer? Fine, I'll talk to you tmr.

I guess I'm avoiding Minji tomorrow too. I looked over at Soobin who was dozing off. “Hey I’m going to shower okay.” I said to wake him up.

“Oh yeah there’s some extra towels in the outer closet near the bathroom,” He said. I knew that already he was acting like i’ve never been here before. “Imma shower in my parents room then head to bed I’m tired you can stay in my sisters room if you want.” He said yawning.

“What if she comes home and just finds me sleeping in her bed?” I asked I’m pretty sure after a long day you don’t want to walk in and see someone is already asleep in your bed. 

“Nah it’s all good she’s not even gonna come home tonight she’s most likely gonna stay at her boyfriend's place.”

Oh right I forgot about her boyfriend they’ve been dating for a year now. I nodded and headed upstairs to the bathroom. It was exactly 9:30 when I got out of the shower. Soobin was already passed out in his room. I headed to his sister's room which was right across from his her room was always so nice and clean. Can't say the same for him though. I threw myself on the bed and checked my messages and saw one from Danielle.

Danielle <3

Goodnight <3

I turned my phone off and went to sleep. 

I woke up to loud music. It was 6:35 in the morning. Why the hell is Soobin playing music right now wait no why the hell is he playing it so damn loud. I stomped loudly downstairs and saw someone making coffee nodding their head to the music. Oh, it was my older cousin, his brother. I caught his attention and he hummed as he lowered his music down.

“Haerin hey what's up I haven’t seen you in forever!” He said pulling me in a hug. I forget how much of an early bird this man could be. Him and Danielle had that in common. Me and Soobin on the other hand didn’t. 

“Hey,” I said, hugging him back, “Why are you up so early?” I asked because genuinely why is he up so early.

“Going for my usual run after my usual cup of coffee,” He smiled as he handed me a mug, “Want some?” 

“Yeah of course I need coffee to survive,” I said jokingly, “But imma just get ready first then I’ll get some before leaving.” 

“Oh yeah of course I’m probably going to be gone by the time you come back down so I’ll see you later,” He placed the mug down but looked at me again snapping his fingers then pointing, “Oh can you wake Soobin for me like around 7?”

“Yea of course i’ll see you later.” I said walking back up the stairs. I brushed my teeth, fixed my hair and put on a bit of makeup before walking back to the room. I grabbed my bag and put on whatever I packed yesterday. I woke up Soobin and went downstairs to get my coffee. About 20 minutes later Soobin came down the stairs. I was in the living room watching TV.

“Ready?” He said grabbing his keys from the key hanger by the door. I nodded my head and turned off the TV following him out the door. We pulled up to a Starbucks which confused me since It was almost time for first period.

“What are we doing here?” I asked as he parked.

“Gonna hang out for a bit, my friends are here too.” He replied getting out and I followed. 

“I have a first period y’know.” 

“Okay? Just skip with us, I'll buy you a coffee or something.” He laughed like I said something stupid. Skip first period? That’s the only class I have with Danielle. I guess this is the universe telling me to leave her alone. 

“Okay..” I replied, following him inside. Sitting down at a table were all his friends. Yeonjun, Beomgyu, Taehyun, and of course Kai. They all already had drinks and were talking. They waved to us as soon as we walked in. 

“What’s up guys.” Soobin said dapping up Yeonjun. Yeonjun then turned to me and tried to dap me up too. It didn’t work. 

“We’ll work on that.” He said laughing. I said hi to everyone else too, taking my seat next to Soobin. It was kinda weird hanging out with Soobins friends I mean I knew them and i’ve talked to them before but never really hung out with them. I don’t really know what I was expecting but they seemed pretty normal? 

“Did you do the math homework?” Beomgyu asked Taehyun as he pulled out his laptop.

“Yes, why didn’t you?” Taehyun replied as he started checking his email. Taehyun was kinda a busy person and was involved with a lot of things at school like the events, clubs, sports, volunteering etc. That man was Busy with a capital B. Honestly it was kinda inspiring because literally how? All I had was basketball and it was still a burden to me sometimes. All of them did something like Beomgyu, Yeonjun and Taehyun were on the boys basketball team and Kai worked with Soobin.

“Because I was busy with practice I swear please let me copy.” Beomgyu said, interlocking his fingers, frowning. 

“Dude I was still able to have time to do my homework after practice and I had to prepare my speech for the upcoming event I’m planning.” 

“Please!” Beomgyu begged, his fingers still interlocked. 

“Fine but at least try to do some by yourself.” Taehyun said as he pulled out his folder taking out his math homework. 

“Thank You!” Beomgyu yelled which caused Taehyun to shush him. 

“Kai let me play next.” Yeonjun said, looking over at his game.

“No you’re bad.” He replied snickering. He had the funniest laugh if I’m being honest. 

“Hey! no im not im definitely better.” Yeonjun said.

“Yea better than Soobin which isn’t hard, everyone's better than Soobin.” Beomgyu said making everyone laugh. I also laughed because Soobin really was bad at games sometimes.

“Hey!” Soobin said looking over at Beomgyu who put his hands up in reaction.

We all continued to talk about random things and even basketball when Soobin nudged me with his shoulder. “Want something?” 

“Duh” I replied. I know I already drank coffee today but I felt like I needed another. He stood up and moved his head to the side to follow him. We waited in line and as Soobin ordered for us that’s when Danielle's boyfriend walked in with two of his friends. I knew I was gonna need that coffee. I nudged Soobin to get his attention.

“That’s him.” I said looking for his reaction. He made a face of disgust.

“That’s him? He looks like a douche.” 

“Right?!” I replied. He gets it. We watched as he walked over to Yeonjun and started talking about something. Yeonjun looked kinda annoyed. He was still there talking when our drinks were done. Me and Soobin grabbed our drinks and walked over. I was trying to not make eye contact with him but of course it didn’t work. I thought he wouldn’t even remember what I looked like.

“Oh Haerin sup,” He said, looking over at me everyone turned to look at us and Soobin made a face which caused him to look confused. Does he think we are friends or something? I waved with my free hand as he walked over to me, “Don’t you have your first period with Danielle right now?” 

“Yeah I do,” I said, giving him no emotion.

“Uh well shouldn’t you be there?” 

“Skipped.” I was trying to be blunt with him because I don’t want to talk to him. 

“Oh well uh,” He stopped for a second trying to find something else to say, ‘Well uh Danielle was telling me you play basketball for the girls team?” 

I nodded, “Yeah kinda forced.” He laughed at this. I wasn't trying to joke around but the dude took it as a joke.

“Yeah she says you’re really good kinda makes me jealous, she speaks so highly of you.”

Bro what?

“But I'll be the judge of that, maybe I'll come to one of your games with her or something.” 

Please don’t. I just nodded slowly. 

“Wait, are you a freshman or a sophomore?” 

“A sophomore.”

“Oh you’re in Danielle's grade,” He said scratching his face, “Um how long have you known Danielle for?”

“Since we were 8.” 

“Oh.” He said as his friends finally called him over he said bye to everyone and left. Everyone was still looking at me as I finally sat down.

“How do you know Josh?” Taehyun asked as he typed.

“I don’t. He’s Danielles boyfriend.” This caused all three of the boys who were on the basketball team to just shake their heads in disagreement.

“Nah dude he’s literally so annoying,” Yeonjun added, “His dad is our coach and he thinks he’s the shit.” 

“Yeah and he’s the star player so he thinks only his play matters.” Beomgyu said while emphasizing the star player with his fingers making quotation marks, “When obviously Taehyun is better.” Taehyun just nodded in agreement. 

“Just ignore him if you can. That might be hard though if he’s dating Danielle.” Yeonjun said. 

“And he and his friends used to try to pick on Kai.” Taehyun said, finally moving his hands from his keyboard to Kai to pat his head. Kai just nodded at this looking at me. Oh hell no.

“Hell no, anyone who is mean to Kai deserves to burn.” I said which made them all agree. I finally drank some of my coffee. I got an iced coffee this time. I wonder if Danielle is wondering where I’m at right now and if he told her he saw me at starbucks skipping. I sighed and Beomgyu looked at me.

“What’s wrong?” He asked he genuinely seemed concerned. And if I just told them that I was in love with Danielle? The more support the better right? Okay i'll tell them. 

“Well…” 

I finally finished telling them everything. They all seemed so attentive and sympathetic. And Beomgyu was even frowning with sadness. 

“That sucks, I'm so sorry Haerin.” Yeonjun said, his face sad.

“Yeah I can’t even imagine how you feel, I'm sorry.” Taehyun added.

“Aw Haerin, I'm sorry.” Said Kai, he and Tehyun were so attentive that they even put their switch and laptop away just to give me their full undivided attention. I was about to speak when I felt Beomgyu hug me tightly as if he was consoling a crying child. 

“Oh my God Haerin! That’s horrible. I can't even imagine the heartbreak you’re feeling! Just know we will always be here for you!” He said as he sobbed. I hugged him back. 

“Thank you guys really, for listening.”

I’m actually really glad I skipped and I’m glad I was able to get to know these guys better. I looked over at Soobin who gave me a small smile. I smiled back and mouthed Thanks. 

I never skipped only once before this during my freshman year. Soobin took me and Danielle to get breakfast and Coffee. I remember her freaking out as Soobin passed the exit to get to the High school and Soobin telling her to calm down and she eventually did her mood changed quickly thanking Soobin for buying us food. She smiled so much that morning I couldn’t stop staring. I love looking for Danielle's reaction to everything I wanted to catch and focus on everything she did and not miss anything. She always laughed and said I was like a cat with my staring and slow blinking. 

We finally got to school at lunch. Yeah, lunch. Anyways I was able to avoid everyone for a couple hours. 

“Let's go get some lunch. I'm hungry.” Beomgyu said. Everyone got up from the table to walk to the lunch line and my luck didn't last forever when Danielle and the girls for some reason today decided to get lunch at the same time.

“Haerin!” I heard the bright girl yell at me for my attention and all the guys turned to look at me. They did not have to be this obvious. The girls made their way next to us in line and I gave Danielle an awkward forced smile which I could tell she noticed.

“You weren’t in class today? Ms. Kim asked me about you and I didnt know what to say because you didn't text me or anything.” Danielle said getting closer to my face with a worried expression. I backed away which was too obvious because I could tell she was bothered by this. 

“Oh yeah I skipped so.”

She made a confused expression. “What why?” 

“Felt like it?” I said she didn't seem to be satisfied with this answer, “Your boyfriend even saw me he didn't tell you he even talked to me.” 

“No he didn't…” She said, biting her lip looking away, “Well maybe just text me next time you’re not going to be there like you always usually do, kay?” She moved her eyes to look back at me again making eye contact. 

I just nodded. Looking away to talk to the guys. It felt off. I mean my friends were behind me and I was acting like they weren’t there. I could feel Minjis stare that I've been ignoring this whole time burning the back of my head. Damn she really was pissed. But before it was my turn to get my food I felt a familiar hand grab mine. I quickly moved it away catching Danielle off guard. I've never done that and she looked genuinely shocked by this action. I think the worst part was how everyone let out a shocked “Oh” as soon as this happened. 

“Uh,” Danielle said, fidgeting with her hands as if she didn't know where to put them, “Um I was just going to ask you if I could come over today, Josh wants to take me to some restaurant and I want feedback on my outfits.”

“Oh I actually am really busy with homework and haven't been doing it so I need to catch up.” I replied this was half true.

“Oh, why haven’t you been doing your work? Need help. I can try to help if you want.” She said. She really was too nice. 

“Busy with practice you know how sports can be.” As soon as I said this I could feel both Minji and Hyein look at me but Minjis felt a bit more intense, no it was way more intense I knew she was pissed and trying her hardest not to yell at me right then and there. Hanni who was right next to Danielle gave a quick glance to Danielle and back to me like if she was trying to figure out something. She knew I was lying because Minji definitely told her I skipped practice. 

“Um I gotta go, they're waiting for me.” I said looking over at the guys hoping they’d get my advances of wanting to be saved from the situation. Luckily Taehyun and Kai understood immediately and made quick gestures for me to come.

“Oh alright. Text me later?” Danielle said unsure.

“Sure.” I said walking away. 

That night I really did try to do homework to not be a total liar. I didn't even get much done. I fell asleep on my desk around 7:30 not replying to Danielle’s follow up text about her date or goodnight text she sent around 8:56.

I woke up to the sound of one of my alarms around 6 in the morning with my head laying on my arms on my desk. I snoozed it and put my head back down finally getting up after five minutes. I did my usual morning routine and got in Soobins car around 7:30 like always. 

I decided to skip with them today too because honestly hanging out with them really did keep my mind off things and they’re fun. When we got to school we ended up walking past the girls and I could see them all looking at me from the corner of my eye (Minji was quite literally staring into my soul). I ignored it, not looking back once. I’ve been skipping both english and math so Minji hasn't been able to yell at me yet. Thank God. And it just works out because most of the guys didn't have a first period or just skipped and Soobin and Yeonjun didn't have a third so I was able to hang out with them instead of being in math.

During lunch I was at Soobin’s usual table listening to the guys argue about who was better at super smash bros when the obvious answer was Kai and Soobin last of course. That’s when I heard someone call my name from behind me I turned around causing everyone else to turn around to see a nervous Hyein. 

“Can you talk real quick?” Hyein asked, her voice was low and she looked nervous. 

“Of course,” I said, “I’ll be back.” They nodded in response. I walked a bit with Hyein, going kinda far from the boys but not near the girls. She took me to the garden our school had and sat down at the bench under a tree in the shade. I sat down next to her. We sat there for a good couple of seconds before she spoke.

“Haerin, why didn’t you come to practice? Minji was really pissed. It was kinda scary. I thought she was gonna throw her phone every time you didn't answer her texts.” I stayed quite waiting for her to continue and she did. “I don’t know what's really going on with you but I get it if you're not feeling good or something but that’s why you tell us we’re your friends and sometimes I feel like everyone knows something I don’t? I don’t know and I don’t want to force you or anything just want you to know that we are here if you need anything okay?” 

“I know Hyein, I just have some things going on that I don’t think I can tell you right now. Maybe I will one day but for right now I think I just need time.” I looked at her as I said that she was looking down at her shoes. 

“I just miss you, we don't have any classes together so break, lunch and practice is our main hang out time. I feel like it's been so empty without you, like something’s missing and Danielle has definitely been acting differently.” Hyein said, looking at me with sad eyes. I buried my face into my hands. If there was a list of people who can make me feel like the shittiest person alive Danielle and Hyein would be on top. 

“I’m sorry Hyein I really am for ghosting you, you don’t deserve that at all its just me and my fucked up emotions.” 

“It’s okay.. I actually have something else to tell you too and Hanni and Minji told me it would be better if I told you myself.” 

“What’s up?” I lifted my face up and she was staring at her shoes again. The way she worded it made me nervous. 

“Um well Dani was talking about how her boyfriend got mad at her since she said that she promised you she’d always go to our games and has never missed one but I guess his game is this friday too,” Hyein said still looking at her beat up converse, “Well she pretty much can’t come to our game friday since she has to go to her boyfriends game and she is really sorry and said if she could be at two places at once she totally would.” 

What the hell? Who is this guy? Honestly it hurt more that Danielle didn't tell me herself but why would she? I can't even get the courage to send her a text back or even hang out with her anymore. I sighed and stood up. Hyein looked up to look at me. I reached my arm out and she took it. 

“Thanks for letting me know Hyein. I appreciate it.” I patted her shoulder. It was kinda funny since she was taller than me but I'm older than her. 

“No problem,” She said, “Are you coming to practice today?” 

Even though I felt like an asshole saying it I told her the truth, “I don’t think so Hyein, let Minji know for me?” 

She nodded, “Yea I will. I hope you know we do care about you Haerin so when you’re comfortable enough please talk to me.” She said with a sincere face. 

“I will Hyein.” I gave her a small smile. We waved bye to each other and went our separate ways. 

I skipped today's practice like I told Hyein I would and went to eat after school with Soobin and his friends. My friends too? Not sure yet. We went to In n Out and I was in the middle of drinking my vanilla shake listening to them make some plans for this weekend telling me I have to be free to hang out too when I got another angry text from MInji and surprisingly one around 8 from Danielle too just a simple “Night” 

It was Finally Friday when I woke up the next day I woke up late the first time I slept through my alarm. I texted Soobin telling him I was just going to stay home today because I knew that if I saw Minji she would force me to go to that damn game somehow. I didn't want to go if the person I wanted to watch me play couldn’t even be there.

I brushed my teeth but stayed in my pajamas. I was about to give myself a three day weekend. I made some coffee and turned on the TV. I guess the good thing about having a house to myself is that no one hogs the TV. It's all mine, everything in this house is mine. I went on Netflix and just put on some dumb reality TV show to make me laugh. I finished my coffee pretty quickly and decided to get another cup. I also started cleaning a bit. The house wasn't super dirty but I did have some of my stuff laying around. I picked those up and started to sweep and mop. And as a reward I gave myself another cup of coffee. I’m not crazy. 

Around 10:32 I got a text from Minji:

Minji 

Be ready by 3:30. I'm picking you up for the game.

Is she serious right now? I've made it very clear I’m not going. I guess I'll make it extra clear and tell her myself. 

I’m not going.

She left me on read. I continued to clean and I was washing the few dishes that were dirty. I could feel my body crashing from all the coffee I drank so I walked up to my room flopping into my bed passing out. I woke up to a very familiar car pulling up to my driveway. It was Minji. 

Why the hell was she here? I literally texted her back that’s what she wanted so I did it. I watched as she opened her car door and loudly slammed it behind her going to the front door. This made me flinch. And I heard as she opened my door letting herself in walking up the stairs to my room. 

“Crap.” I whispered under my breath covering myself with my blanket. She swung my door open marching inside like it was her own room. 

“Haerin why the fuck aren’t you ready I texted you hours before I was going to pick you up and if you really thought that not coming to school was going to stop me from dragging you to that fucking game you were wrong.” I didn’t reply. I was still covered by my blankets, “What have you been doing just laying in bed the whole day? Get up and change.” She pulled the blankets off me and I finally made eye contact with her after avoiding her for the past days. 

“God Minji I already told you I wasnt going so leave me alone,” I said back sitting up, “So don’t get fucking mad because I actually did text you back this time.” I could feel my voice rising with every word. 

“No, first you skip practice which is one thing but skipping this game is another.” She said, grabbing my bag before searching it for my uniform. This was pissing me off.

“What the fuck are you doing going through my shit Minji I’m not fucking going just get out and go to the game it’ll be fine with just you and Hyein there anyways.” I said snatching my bag from her which just caused her to look even more pissed off. 

“I don’t care, I'll drag you out myself if I have to.” Minji countered, crossing her arms. 

“Oh my God.” I said putting my hand to my head this whole thing was so frustrating I could feel a headache coming. 

“No, don't start. We’re a team and we rely on each other. It's our responsibility to show up to practices and games. We are counting on you to be there. Haerin, you made a commitment when signing up.” Her tone was firm and angry like if she was scolding a kid or something.

“Because you made me! I didnt even wanna play for this shitty ass team.” I said making eye contact with her. 

“I didnt force you to do shit you joined because Danielle convinced you. Wait Is that why you’re not coming because she’s not coming to one game? Grow the fuck up already at first I was understanding but that doesnt give you the right to be a fucking asshole and ignore us you know that right.” 

I felt like I was about to cry. Why can’t she just fucking leave me alone?

“She has a boyfriend now and I'm so sorry Haerin I really am but there’s still important things for you to focus on like school by the way so I don’t know why you’re skipping class and basketball. I know you love this sport, Haerin I can tell when you’re playing I really can. That's why we need you on the team, Haerin you help out a lot without even realizing.” She sounded less angry and more desperate as these words left her mouth. 

But still why couldn’t she understand I didn't want to. What's the point? The person I want to be there can’t even be there. The person who convinced me to even join the team can’t be there. The person who motivated me to continue with basketball can’t be there. 

“Minji why are you even here still the game starts in less than 20 minutes plus you have more shit to worry about then whether or not im at school or if I can make it to that stupid fucking game. Oh like maybe you should worry about reassuring your girlfriend because she’s obviously upset about everyone in the basketball team flirting with you every fucking chance they get.” This caused Minji to look at me with a concerned and confused face.

“What when did she say that?” She questioned, no more like demanded walking closer to me, her brows furrowed. 

“She didn’t have to, it's pretty obvious, don't you think or are you that stupid you can’t even notice when your girlfriend is clearly feeling insecure?” This made her go from concerned to angry again. 

“Fuck you Haerin.” 

“I—”

“Fine I’ll leave, you can just stay here and rot in your room like a fucking loser.” She said turning and heading straight to the door. She opened it about to leave when she turned to look at me one more time as she opened her mouth to speak.

“Instead of playing the unrequited love for your best friend trope that could have easily been you instead of him if you actually tried maybe if you weren’t such a fucking coward.” 

“What?” 

“You could’ve acted out on these feelings but no you decided to be her best friend and now that’s all you will ever be, actually by the way you’re acting right now you probably won't even be that.” As soon as she said this she left quickly. I heard as she loudly went down the stairs and out the front door. I was already crying as she started her car leaving. 

I don’t even know when I fell asleep but I did and when I woke up it was like eleven something. I don’t know why but I decided to look out my window over to Danielle's house and of course with my luck I caught them as soon as they pulled up to her driveway no one was home except them. I could hear my breath hitch when I watched as they both left his car as she walked him to her house watching as she pulled out her key opening the door. I could feel my heartbeat in my ears as it felt like my heart was being torn to pieces, the feeling of complete devastation as that front door closed with them disappearing inside. I didn’t get her usual goodnight text that night. 

It was monday and I actually decided to go to first period after basically skipping the whole last week. I waited for the bell to ring to walk inside so I can avoid Ms. Kim trying to talk to me and avoid Danielle since she would already be in her seat. As soon as I walked in I got a surprised look from Ms. Kim and I looked over at Danielle who looked up from her paper to see me her eyes widened in surprise as she forced a smile. She looked so sad. I walked past Ms. kim’s desk not looking at her but I could tell that her eyes followed me as I went to my seat in the back. 

“Alright, let's get started.” Ms. Kim said standing up from her desk clapping her hands together, “We got some fun writing reflections about the book that you all should be reading and be caught up to by now.” This caused the class to let out a jokingly groan causing Ms. Kim to just laugh. Like always she gave us some time to read then quickly got us started on the reflections she explained. I pulled out my laptop to start working. 

I’ve been so behind on everything the least I could do for myself and Ms. Kim is use her class time wisely after all I've been skipping. I looked over at Danielle one more time. She already had her laptop open. Her wallpaper was a picture of her and her sister. It's always been that since she got it her freshman year for christmas I love that picture she looked so happy. 

She wasn't focused on her laptop though more on that piece of paper I watched as she stopped writing to think then quickly went back to writing. Maybe I was staring too hard because she looked over to me and out of panic I looked away quickly back to my laptop and started typing. She quickly looked away once she noticed I pretended like I wasn't looking at her. 

During the last 5 minutes of class Ms Kim was explaining how excited and happy she was from all the participants who are signing up for the poetry contest when I heard the noise of some really loud obnoxious music as some guy swung open Ms. Kims classroom door open he was carrying a really big speaker with both hands above his head as two more guys followed him inside. Everyone just kept looking around in confusion and laughed at the confusion on our teacher's face. I was even laughing a bit but I stopped as I saw Josh come inside with a really big poster with the ugliest bubble letters i’ve ever seen in my life. 

I Hope I Didn’t Catch You Off Guard 

Wanna Have a Ballin time at HOCO With Me

Danielle? 

Gross. As soon as I read that poster I felt like I was going to vomit from how bad it was. I quickly looked over at Danielle as she threw her hands over her mouth in shock as one of Josh’s friends pulled out a bouquet of flowers from behind his back to hand it to Josh as he walked toward Danielle with a smile. It felt like someone just punched me multiple times in the gut as she got up to him with the words “Yes!” leaving her mouth as he kissed her cheek. Just kill me now please. 

I really wish I didn't come to English today. 

Everyone started clapping and cheering except me. I was just sitting there in shock as I felt my fists tightened. I was mad out of every class she has he decided that this was the one he wanted to do his stupid fucking hoco proposal in? Fuck him. 

The bell rang as she quickly put all her stuff in her bag. He grabbed her by the waist as they walked out of the class with all his friends following. She didn't look back once. I closed my laptop shut and quickly put it away. I pulled out my phone about to text the group chat I had with Soobin and the guys, quickly walking past Ms. Kim as she was busy talking to another student. But of course her being distracted still didn't stop her from calling me over before I was even able to grab the classroom door to leave. 

“Haerin come over here I want to talk to you.” She said as she finished talking with one of my classmates they left and she went to sit down at her desk pulling out a piece of paper. I walked over to her slowly. I was kinda scared of what she was going to tell me obviously she noticed me not showing up to class. 

“How have you been?” She asked, looking at me. 

“Okay.” I replied grabbing my arm I was feeling awkward and nervous. She continued to look at me as she let out a hum.

“You haven’t been to my class in the past days surprised me when you walked in today.” She said, still looking at me.

There it is. 

“Yeah uh i've been sick and er, and.. busy?” 

She just shook her head laughing a bit.

“If you’re going to skip my class Haerin, at least do your assignments and get a better lie,” I nodded in disappointment in myself because she’s right I haven’t been doing anything for my grade, “Your grade is going down because of these missing assignments I just wanted to let you know.”

“I'm so sorry really i've been irresponsible,” I said as I grip my arm tighter, “Is there anything I can do for extra credit?” She looked back down at the paper she first grabbed before talking, handing it to me. 

“This,” She said as I grabbed it, flipping it over. It was information about the poetry contest.

“Oh.” My reply caused her to let out a small laugh as she pointed at the paper in my hands. 

“I want you to join the contest. You really are an amazing writer Haerin, you're very talented and I think you’ll do well.” I just made a face at her remark of encouragement, “If you want like I said I can’t force you but that will give you the extra credit you need.” 

I shook my head laughing a bit, “This is unfair.” I said jokingly.

“Take it or leave it.” She replied. 

“What do I even write about?” 

“Here,” She pointed at the paper again, “The theme is love.” She smiled. 

Ugh. 

“Why?” I asked, sighing. 

“I don’t know, that’s what they picked, I like it though don’t you? It's a nice topic,” She replied, “Danielle has already started working on hers. She was telling me about it Friday and she seemed very excited but a bit stressed.” 

“But love? Like someone you love? I don't want to write about that.” I wasn’t going to tell her why.

“It could be about your friends, family, anything you love, like if you have a dog for example.” 

“I don't.” 

“Oh well, what about your friends? Family? Crush?” She said, looking unsure. 

“No thanks, definitely not about a crush.” I was holding out the paper for her to grab. 

“It doesn't have to be about people, it can be something else, oh like basketball you play for the girls team right?” 

I nodded.

“Yeah there you go you can write about that.” She said, trying to encourage me.

“Sorry… I don't really know how I feel about showing my feelings to people I don’t even know and this poetry contest is basically that since they’re going to read it and love is definitely a more vulnerable topic.” I said, still trying to hand her back the paper. 

She looked at me and nodded. “I get it being vulnerable can be scary and uncomfortable, but that’s what makes us human don't you think?” She told me I just shrugged, “Look, being vulnerable allows people to make deeper and better connections and it helps with growth, being honest with ourselves and others about our emotions it takes strength. It helps us be our true selves with people and learn from mistakes and failures as we acknowledge our weaknesses.” 

“No.” I shook my head in disagreement.

“No?” She said, confused. 

“I don't like being weak in front of people and vulnerability shows that.” I made a shocked face after I said that because I swear that’s some stupid shit my dad would say and I don’t want to be anything like that man. 

“Oh, Haerin it’s okay,” She said in reassurance, “Being able to show your weaknesses and vulnerability shows that you yourself are brave. It takes courage to open up and share your feelings with others. I know it's not easy to let your guard down and be honest with your emotions but It really does help.” She said, pushing the paper towards me again. “I know you can do it, you're strong and brave, so please try.” 

I sighed. I don't know why she feels the need to encourage me all the time but I could see what she was trying to say. I've been able to become closer to more people this past week by talking about my feelings I have for Danielle. 

“Okay. I'll do it.” I said.

“I’m glad, you’ll do great. You have till the end of October.” 

I nodded and waved goodbye. I left the classroom and held the door open for the small group of kids who were actually there on time. I'm glad they waited outside. I saw Kai on his phone.

“Hey Kai what's up?” I said, getting his attention.

“Sup waiting for her to open her door, what were you doing in there getting in trouble?” He said jokingly.

“Yeah something like that.” I laughed as I showed him the paper.

“Wow good luck with that,” He laughed out and laughed even more once seeing the theme before stopping himself, “Oh uh sorry touchy subject?” 

I just smiled at him, “Just a little.” I replied sarcastically.

“My bad.. What do we even do in class today?” 

“Reflections on the book.” 

“Boo!” He replied sulking. I nodded in agreement and looked at the time I needed to go. 

“I should go, I'll see you later.” I said waving. He nodded and waved back as he walked into Ms. Kim’s class. I barely made it on time for my second period. 

During second period I decided to do my thing where I drown people out and think about what I want to do for my poem. After all, I'm starting late compared to everyone else. I gave myself a minute to think as I played with my pencil spinning it in my hand. Why did the theme have to be love? Because now the only thing that came to my mind was Danielle but if I’m being honest even if the theme wasn’t love the only thing coming to mind would probably still be Danielle. 

I laughed at myself for this because I’m over here thinking of a love poem to write and the only person coming to mind is Danielle who just got asked to homecoming by her boyfriend…. while she’s probably writing her poem for her boyfriend. 

Even though I fucking hate him I understand why he likes her she’s amazing and a beautiful person. This whole thing was making me remember when I realized I was in love with my best friend. 

I was 11 and it was a Friday night. My parents were actually home that night and I was getting yelled at by my dad over something I did in school.

“Why is my work getting a call from your school trying to tell me you got in trouble today? Do you know how embarrassing that is!” He yelled getting close to my face. He made me sit on the couch as soon as we got home so he could have a talk with me about my behavior. 

“People had to interrupt my meeting today! This was a very important meeting. I had to impress the people attending and it doesn’t look good when your assistant has to come in the room to tell you your child got in trouble at school for punching someone!” He screamed as he began to walk back in forth in frustration, “And it doesn’t help that everyone at my work likes to talk their fucking ass off I am this close this to getting that promotion do you know how much that would help us do you understand what you might’ve done?” 

I stayed quiet. The reason why I got in trouble was because I punched some stupid mouth breather named Liam after he decided it was a good idea to push Danielle over making her fall to the ground.

It was recess and we were playing with her newest Pokémon cards that her sister gifted her when Soobin decided to leave to use the restroom and as soon as he left the most annoying kid in our grade grade Liam Murray and his stupid friends walked over pulling my hair causing both me and Danielle to stand up in surprise. 

“What the heck?” I said in confusion as Danielle walked closer to me as she grabbed onto my shirt with one hand while the other carried the deck of cards. She was scared.

“Those are some pretty nice pokémon cards. Are they yours?” Liam said looking at me he had the most stupid smile on his face as his friends just stood behind him.

“They’re mine.” Danielle replied, almost whispering.

“What was that? Speak up, I can't hear you.” He said looking over at Danielle as his friends came closer and closer, trapping us to a corner.

“She said that they’re hers.” I replied, annoyed looking at him he moved his gaze back to me as one of his friends smacked the deck out Danielles hands causing her to drop them all on the floor. She panicked as all his friends dived down to grab as many as they could.

“Well now they’re mine.” He said laughing as his friends ran over with the cards they grabbed. 

“Hey!” I yelled as I went down to pick up the ones they left on the floor. That's when Danielle left from the spot next to me as she followed Liam trying to grab onto him.

“Wait please those were from my sister!” She said in distress, this made Liam just turn around and shove her super hard into the ground. I gasped as she hit the floor with a loud “Ow!” 

This really pissed me off. I stood up with the cards I was able to grab in my left hand as I ran over to Liam and socked him right in the face and I punched him hard because he fell down too and started to cry. All his friends panicked as the teachers came over asking what happened. They all looked at me as his friends told them that I punched him. It didn't look good. They were taking me to the office when we passed a very confused Soobin and I watched as he walked over to Danielle to help her up. They just both watched as I walked away. The whole time I was in that office alI could think about was how my hand hurt. 

And I remember avoiding eye contact when my dad came to pick me up. The whole drive home was quiet. 

I remember looking down at one point of his little rant which pisssed him off. 

“Haerin, look me in the eyes when I’m talking to you.” He said, snapping his finger coming closer to me as I looked up. “You can’t be getting in trouble at school especially over stupid crap like this. Who cares if your friend got her pokémon cards stolen she can get new ones. I swear that friend of yours seems like trouble, maybe I should look into getting you more suited ones.” He said as he put his finger to his chin thinking of who to choose. This threw me off guard because he never acknowledged Danielle and I definitely don’t want to be forced to be friends with kids he thought were more suited. 

“No! Danielle’s my friend and I don’t care if you don’t like her I won’t stop being friends with her!” I yelled I didn’t want new friends, I wanted Danielle. 

“What?” He said looking over at me, “You never talk back to me do you understand.” as he said this he grabbed my hand. I remember a small hiss of pain leaving my mouth as he dug his nails into my skin, “Look at me, Do you understand!” I felt my eyes start to water as his nails dug deeper. 

“Let go of me!” I yelled, removing my hand from his grip as I ran over to my Ipod that I got from my grandma for Christmas that my parents very much disapproved of. 

“What are you doing, sit back down!” He yelled walking towards me.

“I’m calling my grandma.” I said, blinking away my tears. I felt as he snatched my Ipod from me and watched as he started to walk to the back door. I ran after him outside, “What are you doing!” I remember yelling as he lifted up his arm and swung the Ipod face first onto our patio floor. It was so loud that I think if you were walking your dog in our neighborhood you’d hear it. 

“What is going on!” I heard my mom say as she walked outside looking over to me then to my dad and then the floor to my destroyed Ipod. 

“I had to teach her a lesson she wasn’t listening to me,” He replied looking over at me, “This is what happens when you misbehave do you understand.” He said never breaking eye contact. I nodded as he told me to get out of his face and I did, running out the front door right across the street to Danielle’s house. I remember knocking as I was sniffling and wiping the tears from my eyes. Her sister was the one who opened the door since her parents weren’t home yet. 

“Oh my God are you okay Haerin?” She said shocked, opening the door more as she called Danielle to come downstairs. She gestured me inside and I walked in as I watched Danielle run downstairs with a worried face.

“Haerin what happened?” She said looking at me then to her sister who just shook her head in confusion too. 

“You guys can go sit in the living room and I'll get some water or something.” Her sister said as she walked over to the kitchen. Danielle led me to her living room and sat me on her couch. It was big and comfortable.

“Haerin what's wrong?” Danielle asked, her voice soft as she sat down next to me.

“My dad.. he, uh got mad at me for what happened today and smashed my Ipod.” I replied not looking at her because if I did I would probably start crying more. 

“Oh my gosh Haerin I’m so sorry that happened. This is all my fault.” She said as she covered her face.

“No it wasn’t your fault at all. He was just getting mad like always and tried to stop me from being friends with you and I got mad and talked back. It's really my fault actually.” 

She looked over to me with sad eyes as she grabbed my hand and quickly looked at it as she saw the nail patterns my dad left on me. They were red and I could still feel a slight burn. 

Her eyes widened as she grabbed my hand with both of hers and pulled it more toward her face, “Oh my God did he do this?! I’m so sorry. What could I do to make you feel better?” She asked, her tone was sad. I just nodded and she frowned even more.

“Don’t frown,” I said this made her turn her head in confusion, “Smile for me? I think that’s the only thing that would make me feel better.”

She shook her head and I watched as her ears turned red, “Okay.” She replied with a warm smile as she used her sleeve to wipe my tears, “You were really brave today y'know standing up to Liam for me I really appreciate it and oh you should’ve seen Soobin’s reaction when I told him he was so proud of you.” She said as she caressed the marks on my hand and my eyes widened as she brought my hand up to her mouth and kissed it softly, “You really are my hero Haerin... I—” 

She got cut off when her sister walked into the living room, with some juice and put on a movie. I remember my heart was beating so fast when Danielle rested her head on my shoulder as she held my hand for that entire movie. Soobin was right when he said I fell in love when we first saw her at 8 but I was 11 when I realized just how much I love her.

It was lunch, and I was sitting down at the guy's usual table. They were telling me about their game on Friday and how they won.

“Yeah and then Yeonjun made the three and we were up and won at the last second. It was really cool honestly.” Beomgyu said, lifting his fist up asking Yeonjun for a fist bump. 

“Thanks,” Yeonjun said as he reciprocated Bomgyu’s fist bump, “Yeah and Danielle was there which surprised me but it made since y’know and we talked to her for a bit before Josh took her away.” 

“Oh.. um what did you guys talk about?” I asked because they never really talk so I was curious. 

“She congratulated us and stuff but she was mostly talking about you.” Taehyun said smiling. 

“Ohhhhh.” Soobin joked out. This caused everyone to just laugh as I covered my face in embarrassment. Honestly these guys need to stop messing with me. 

“Stop,” I said, trying not to laugh. I peaked my eyes up from my hands, “But.. What did she say?” 

“She said she was in love with you.” Kai jokes, making everyone laugh. I punched him softly in the arm and he just shook his head apologizing. 

“No but she was just asking how you’ve been and if you were okay.” Beomgyu said, the mood changed a bit. 

“Oh.” I replied I looked down at the table. 

“Yeah and she wanted to know if you were going to homecoming,” Yeonjun added, “But we couldn’t really answer her question since we don’t know and that’s when she left.” 

“Right speaking about homecoming let me tell you guys what happened today.” They all looked at me attentively and It kinda made me laugh. 

“No, because out of every class he decides to do it in the first period?” Beomgyu said scoffing. 

“Right?!” I said. They all just shook their heads, their faces showed both annoyance and sympathy. 

“It’s all good Haerin,” Yeonjun said as he patted my shoulder, “I can find you another date for homecoming trust me I have my ways.” 

“No thanks,” I said laughing, “I don’t think I’m going to go anyways so if she asks you again just tell her that.” 

“What nah you got to go.” Soobin said. 

“Yeah you should, we're going so just come with us.” Taehyun said as everyone nodded their heads in agreement. 

“Alright let me think about it?” I said when I heard someone clear their throat behind me. 

“Haerin, can I talk to you for a minute.” 

I turned around to see a familiar short girl who had bangs similar to mine and she looked kinda mad. She had one hand on her hip while the other one was holding a coffee cup. Oops. 

“Uh yeah.” I replied looking back at the guys as they just avoided eye contact. She motioned me to follow her and I sat up to do so. 

“Ohhhh someone’s in trouble..” Beomgyu said jokingly as they all tried to hold in their laughter. I rolled my eyes in annoyance as I followed Hanni to the similar garden that Hyein took me to as she pointed at the bench waiting for me to sit which I did. 

“I need to talk to you Haerin because somehow Minji found out about me being mad over everyone and their damn mom trying to flirt with her. I wonder how?” Hanni said in a mad and sarcastic tone as she sat down next to me. 

“I’m so sorry Hanni, we just got into an argument and I said that without thinking…” I looked over to her and she smiled. 

“I know that Minji told me. Even though I’m upset that you told her I’m kinda glad that I didn’t have to tell her myself because I was waiting for her to notice but she never did, honestly that girl can be so oblivious sometimes don’t even get me started on the story’s before we started dating. She never got the hints… but was I really that obvious?” 

“I mean to me yeah but I also know that you guys are dating so.” 

We laughed at this. “But yea so I’m not mad that Minji couldn’t tell that those girls were flirting with her since the only thing that girl thinks about is basketball and me of course,” Hanni said smiling, “You should’ve seen her face when I told her you were right.” 

“Trust me I think I know what face she was making but it still wasn’t my place to tell her that.” I said feeling guilty as I imagined the utter look of sadness Minji had when she found out I was telling the truth. 

“It’s okay really actually I have stuff to tell you,” Hanni said as I looked at her, “Because now we finally decided to be public with our relationship!” 

“Wow I’m happy for you guys,” I said smiling, “Even though you guys were obvious enough don’t you think?” She punched my arm lightly as we both laughed again. 

“Yeah we told the girls during the weekend.” 

“Oh um what did they say?” 

“They were very happy for us,” Hanni said smiling, “You should’ve seen them Haerin, they literally started jumping in joy as they hugged me and Minji.” 

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for that.” 

“It’s all good, I mean you knew already.” 

“Yeah..”

We stayed in silence for a couple seconds before she spoke again. 

“Haerin be honest with me, why are you avoiding us?” Hanni asked, “And don’t even try making up a lie because you suck at lying and because I already figured out why so just be honest.” 

“Oh um,” I sighed, “When did you find out?” 

“Last week when we were in that lunch line, yeah that was kinda a hard watch, Danielle’s face when you moved your hand it broke my heart for her.” 

I covered my face because I felt like an asshole, “God I suck.”

“Maybe a little,” Hanni joked as she laughed, “But I also heard about this morning and her boyfriends hoco proposal in Ms. Kim’s class.” 

“Ugh it was so bad and she was so enamored by it.”

“Yeah that poster sure was something.” She made a cringing face as she remembered it.

I nodded. She checked her phone to look at the time, “Oh Minji texted she’s walking up right now.”

“Oh.”

“Relax, she's not going to yell at you or anything. I've actually been trying to have her talk to you. She isn’t really budging.”

“I don’t blame her.” 

“There she is!” Hanni said as she stood up I did the same. Minji didn’t come close to where we were but close enough to where we could see her as she waited for Hanni she looked at me for a couple of seconds before moving her gaze to Hanni and I watched as she smiled looking at the shorter girl, “Oh here this is for you hopefully it cheers you up a bit for this morning and don’t tell Minji I told you but she bought it for you.” She handed me the coffee cup that’s been beside her this whole time.

“Minji didn’t need to get me coffee, especially with my behavior lately,” I grabbed the cup. It was kinda cold but it made me smile a bit. 

“Just drink it! Oh and my party’s this week and you better be there no excuses!” 

“He’s not going to be there is he?” 

“No of course not, don't worry it's just us girls.” 

“Now before I leave, let me think because I feel like I'm forgetting something… Oh! Minji wanted me to tell you they won the game, but don’t tell her the part where I said she wanted me to tell you.”

I gave her a smile as she waved goodbye walking towards Minji. 

“Don’t forget my party is at 4!” She yelled once more as Minji wrapped her arm around her shoulder. I gave her a thumbs up as Minji kissed the top of her head softly and moved her arm from her shoulders to hold her hand as they walked off to their next class. 

“Lucky.” I whispered under my breath as I turned to walk to my own class.

Luckily Hannis birthday was on a friday. I got ready and since I knew Danielle was going to be there I dressed up a bit more. I checked my phone and it was 3:45. Hanni lived like ten minutes away from me so I texted Soobin Right away. I heard his car pull up to my driveway and I rushed down the stairs. I haven’t been looking out my window since I saw Danielle and her boyfriend go inside her house. I definitely didn't want to see that again. 

As soon as I got in Soobins car he backed up leaving. He looked at me and smiled.

“What?” I said annoyed.

“You look nice. Is that blush? What else did you do.” He said laughing. He knew why I even bothered to put on some makeup. 

“Shut up.” I replied looking away so he wouldn’t see my smile or my face. We got to Hannis and I had him sign the card I got her when he finished. I put the gift card inside before putting the card in the envelope. 

“I was debating whether to come a little late but I knew Hanni would be mad.”

“You’ll be fine, don't worry it’s just you and your friends… that you’ve been avoiding.” He said as he patted my shoulder. 

“Thanks?” I said laughing. We looked at the time and it was 4:08, “I should go then I'll text you when I'm ready to be picked up.” He nodded as I stepped out of the car. My heart was beating kinda loud. I shouldn't be nervous to go to my friend's party but I was because she was going to be there. I rang the doorbell and heard Hyein yell out to Hanni that I was here. I listened to the pairs of footsteps run over to the door. Hanni swings the door open with Hyein beside her. 

“Haerin come in!” Hanni yelled as Hyein hugged me. I hugged her back and went to hug Hanni.

“Happy Birthday Hanni Pham,” I said smiling as we separated. I handed her the card, “From me and Soobin.” 

“Thank You!” She replied, grabbing the card. 

They waved bye to Soobin before he left and I walked inside it smelled like cookies.

“Are you guys baking or something?” I asked, bending down to pet her dogs that came to greet me.

“Oh yea my mom put some in before everyone came so we can decorate them. She's funny, still trying to make activities for my parties.”

“I love your mom, she's so nice.” Hyein said as she started walking towards the kitchen.

“Where are your parents? I wanted to say hello.” I said.

“Oh they’re at the store right now grabbing some snacks for the movie we’re going to watch later and I made them take my sister with them too so it's just us right now.” She said as she started walking towards the kitchen too. 

Right, us. I followed Hanni to the kitchen, finding a cheerful Danielle and Minji as they were talking. “Haerin’s here!” Hyein said, causing Danielle and Minji to stop talking to look at me. Never in my life did I ever expect to get an awkward wave from Danielle almost like if she was unsure whether to say hi to me or not, did I really make her this unsure of our friendship? Minji just nodded her head at me. I wasn't worried about her. I knew she wouldn't cause a scene at her girlfriend's party.

“Uh okay?” Hyein laughed sensing the awkward vibe they both gave. 

“Guys come over here and pick a cookie,” Hanni said motionaning us with her hand, “How about youngest to oldest? Here come make a line.” 

Hyein quickly moved to the front and I saw Danielle make room for me between them. She gave me a small smile before moving. I took my place second in line feeling nervous knowing she was right behind me. It didn’t help when all of a sudden we got pushed by Hanni and Minji since Minji thought it was a good idea to wrap her hands around Hannis waist to kiss her cheek, making Hanni laugh and move forward pushing Danielle onto me. I felt as she grabbed onto my shoulder for balance before quickly removing her hands.

“Oh I'm sorry!” She said, putting her hands up.

“No it's okay don't worry.” I replied she just nodded. This was weird, so weird. Hyein just turned to look at all of us.

“Good?” She said receiving a thumbs up from Hanni. She took so long picking a cookie and I was starting to get warm in the jacket I was wearing, “Hmmm this one!” She grabbed it as she showed us. She went to sit at the table. I just grabbed the first one I saw. I wanted to get out of that line as soon as I could. 

I sat next to Hyein and hoped that Hanni would sit on the other side next to me. Luckily she did. The whole time we were decorating our cookies I kept stealing glances at Danielle who looked very focused on her design. She looked so pretty today, she was wearing overalls that I think are new because I've never seen her wear those before and her hair was up. I quickly looked over at Hanni who was looking at me smiling while she shook her head and I could feel my face getting warm. 

We were talking about random things while we decorated our cookies and when I say we I mean more they. 

“What movie are we watching?” Hyein asked, looking over at Hanni.

“Mean girls!” Hanni replied happily.

“Mean Girls? We watch that all the time babe?” Minji said.

“Yeah but it’s a good movie and it’s my birthday so too bad!” 

“Mhmm I love Mean girls!” Hyein said.

“Me too.” Both me and Danielle said at the same time which made us look at each other while everyone just laughed. 

“Ah sorry.” Danielle said, smiling a bit.

“You two are always doing that, just get married at this point.” Hyein said jokingly. Everyone was silent which Hyein noticed pretty quickly since no one laughed at her joke. Hanni noticed and tried to make the mood better.

“Hyein I like your—” Hanni was cut off by her parents and sister as they opened the door with bags full of candy. Hanni got up and was followed by Minji to help grab the bags. We all followed behind.

“Hello.” I said to Hannis mom as she placed the bags she was carrying down. 

“Oh Haerin hello! I haven’t seen you in a bit, how have you been?” 

“I've been… good.” 

“That’s good.” She smiled as she told Hanni to grab the drinks they bought that were still in the car. 

“I told them your favorites by the way so you should thank me!” Her sister said teasingly which just caused her to get bear hugged by Hanni, “Nevermind let me go you dummy.” She said, making everyone laugh. She let her go and told Minji to help her and they went outside to grab the drinks. After everyone got settled we had Hanni’s sister judge our cookies and pick the best one.

“This one!” She pointed at Hyein’s.

“Yay!” Hyein yelled out, “What do I win?”

“Hmm how bout first dibs on the snacks?” Hanni said.

“Nice!” 

“Alright let’s cut the cake.” Hanni’s mom said as her dad grabbed the cake from the fridge. Her mom told her to sit down in the middle of the table as her dad took the cake out of the box and placed it in front of her. 

“Wow, that's a big cake,” I said, “It looks really cool.” 

“Isn’t it? That's why we picked it.” Her dad said. 

“Okay girls go over there and we can take some pictures.” Her mom said as she grabbed her phone from her purse.

“Okay mom but quick kay you don't need so many.” 

“I'll be fast, don't worry.” Her mom said. We took some as a group then they took some with her sister. and then some with just Minji.

“I'll take your photos with hanni.” Minji said, moving her hand up to Hanni’s mom. 

“Thank you dear.” Hannis mom said, giving her phone to Minji. When she finished she gave the phone back. 

“Okay ready?” Hanni’s sister said with a smile which Hanni nodded. We all started to sing happy birthday and clapped when Hanni blew out her candles. Hannis mom was cutting the cake and passed it out to everyone.

“This is a really good cake.” Danielle said.

“Yeah we got it from this new bakery that just opened, want the name?” Hannis mom said as she pulled out her phone. 

“Yeah definitely.” Danielle replied.

“You have a boyfriend right? Maybe you can take him there for a date. It's a really cute bakery.” Hannis mom said as she showed the name to Danielle.

“Oh.. uh yeah I could.” Danielle replied as she took a picture of it with her phone. 

“Alright let's open the gifts.” Hanni’s dad said as he walked over to the coffee table to grab them with the help of Minji of course.

She opened Hyein’s gift first and got new candles, tumblers and cute slippers.

“Thank you Hyein these are so cute!” Hanni said, getting up to hug her. 

“Yeah I saw those and they reminded me of you so I got them!” Hyein replied. Her next gift was from Danielle who gave her an instant camera with some film included. It was a cute light purple color. 

“Oh my god Thank you!” Hanni said getting up to hug Danielle too. She got the shoes she’s been wanting and clothes from her parents who she thanked also. 

Now Minji that girl was literally in and out of the house going back and forth to grab all the gifts she had got for Hanni from her car. She first came back with a really big balloon and a really big stuffed bear then she brought a bouquet of flowers and then some chocolate covered strawberries and a necklace and then she brought some cute clothes for her dogs and then a really big basket she decorated herself that had a lot of stuff in it like snacks and makeup and other stuff she uses and of course a card. 

“Damn.” Hannis sister said. I agree I wouldn't even be shocked if she surprised her with some car keys. 

‘Wow! Minji you’re so sweet.” Hanni said as she basically threw herself on Minji they hugged and Hanni kissed her cheek making Minji blush slightly. 

Mine was next, which looked so funny because it was right after Minji’s extra ass. She read my card and hugged me. “Thank you Haerin you’re very sweet with your words, thanks for the gift card too and tell Soobin I said thank you too.” She said smiling.

“Of course.” I replied. 

After presents we were getting ready to watch the movie so we put all the snacks on the table. Her parents said goodnight and happy birthday one more time before they walked upstairs to their room to sleep. Hyein had the first pick of the snacks and she grabbed the gummy bears.

“Damn I was going to grab those.” Minji said.

“We can share.” Hyein replied, walking to Hanni’s TV room . Everyone grabbed what they wanted and headed to the room. I walked in and the only available spot was next to Danielle. I sat down as Hanni started the movie. It was so weird because of how different it felt usually during movies Danielle always rests her head on my shoulder or holds my hand. Not today. I don’t blame her. During the part of the movie where Cady retold that too gay to function joke that Janis said to Regina, Gretchen and Karen, I stood up to use the restroom. 

“I’m gonna use the bathroom.” I told Hanni before leaving. I quickly used the bathroom and washed my hands. I was currently fixing my bangs and resenting going back to the room. The whole vibe was just off even though everyone was having fun it still felt a bit different and sometimes awkward and I know that it’s my fault and that’s why I didn’t want to go back because if I did the whole mood would just be tense because of me. I took a deep breath and I opened the door. 

As soon as I stepped outside I felt a pair of familiar hands wrap around my neck pulling me in for a hug making me stumble back a bit. I let out a shocked gasp trying to find my balance and from the warmth she was giving me. 

“Danielle?!” I said shocked I could feel myself tense up. My arms were up in shock. I didn't know where to put them, whether to touch her or not. 

“I’m sorry,” She said I could feel the grip she had on me tighten as she buried her face into my neck making me tense up even more. I just awkwardly placed my arms around her too. I heard her sigh in relief as soon as I did this, “I missed this… I’m sorry if I’m crossing a boundary right now but I wanted to touch you.” She let me go but still had her hand on my jacket as she gripped it softly without making eye contact with me. She was looking down at the floor. 

“Oh um I.. I agree..” I said I was really glad she wasn’t looking at me because I could feel that my face was red. I quickly felt my heartbeat quicken when I realized what she said. 

“Haerin what’s wrong? Please tell me what’s been bothering you. I miss having you with me all the time, you're my best friend and I’ve felt I don't know.. kinda lonely I hope you know how much I need you with me Haerin.” 

I don't know why but today I was just speaking without thinking first.

“Lonely? But that dude is literally around you all the time. He follows you like a dog.” 

“What, who Josh?” She replied, finally looking at me as she let go of my jacket. 

“Yeah like everywhere you go I swear he needs to know what space is so I’m sure it isn’t loneliness what you’re feeling,” 

What am I saying?

“What?” She replied she looked sad and confused. It made me feel like an asshole. I don’t want her to be sad because of me. 

And for some reason just like Cady says it herself it came out like word vomit, “Like you inviting him over to your house late at night doesn’t seem so lonely to me.” I said cringing as soon as those words left my mouth.

“Huh?” 

Fuck, that sounded way to accusing.

“What are you trying to imply? Also how did you even see that? Were you just watching or something?” She was looking at me still but with a more serious face, “What does that even have to do with what I’m trying to say?”

“No! I just heard his loud ass music and looked out the window I swear.” 

“We didn’t do anything, he was just comforting me and he left like ten minutes after.” 

“Okay but—”

“But?”

This made me let out a sigh of frustration and she noticed because her face wasn’t changing she looked even more serious. 

“Okay but about what?” I asked. 

“What do you think Haerin!” She yelled out like it was the most obvious answer ever which it was but I’m an idiot and now she was upset. Upset at me. She waited a couple seconds for me to say something, her eyes wet but I didn’t know what to say. She scoffed and walked away back to the TV room. 

I stood there for a good minute reflecting on what I just did. I waited a bit longer before walking back inside and I made myself busy with grabbing snacks and drinks to bring inside. As I walked in I saw she moved seats she was sitting with Hyein now and I made my way to sit down next to Hannis sister who talked the whole movie while I tried my hardest to not cry. 

When the movie ended Daniele said goodbye to everyone except me which was very noticeable. I watched as Hanni and Minji walked her out. I didn’t even want to know who was picking her up. I just hoped it was her dad or mom, anyone, anyone but him. 

They came back and after a good 20 minutes of them just bickering on which movie to play Hanni put on 10 Things I Hate About You. About half way through was when Minji also excused herself. 

“I’m going to head out, I have work tomorrow and I’m falling asleep.” Minji said as she hugged Hanni. 

“Aw okay I’ll walk you out.” Hanni said as she got up and left with Minji she didn’t come back for a bit and Hyein and her sister had already passed out. I felt myself nodding off a bit too but I felt like I couldn't. I was still bothered by what happened. How did I mess up that bad? She was literally asking for comfort and I couldn’t even give that to her. I'm horrible. A horrible friend. I’m selfish. 

Hanni finally returned and looked over to see Hyein and her sister asleep. “Take a picture of them real quick, they look so cute and then come sit next to me.” I stood up and took the picture. I wish I was able to enjoy it like she was at the moment. I sat down next to her and sent her the photo. 

“Wanna sleep over tonight? Hyein is, you can too if you want it’s late already anyways so Soobin is probably passed out.” Hanni said as she watched the movie. 

“Yeah I think I will, you're probably right, he's probably passed out already.” 

She grabbed the bowl of chips that were next to her and started to eat them as we continued the movie. I couldn’t focus on it at all.  

“I messed up.” I said as I pet her dog that was laying down beside me. 

“Hmm?” Hanni replied while watching the movie. 

“I made Danielle mad today, like really mad. She's never been mad at me like that before.” 

She turned to look at me, “What did you do?” 

“What didn't I do?” I said throwing my face to my legs as I cradled myself. I felt as Hanni started to pat my back in comfort as I tried not to sob, “She was asking me to just be there for her to be her best friend and I couldn’t even do that. All I’m doing is messing up my friendships.” 

“Don’t worry about Minji she’s just being a bit petty but trust me she’s not pissed at you, but Danielle I’m not so sure.” I groaned at her answer because that doesn’t really help. 

“Calm down and relax and think about your apologies while you watch the movie, I don’t think Danielle could ever stay mad at you if I’m being honest.” Hanni said looking back at the TV, “Oh wait here let me give it to you before I forget. Here is a present for you!” 

She handed me a small piece of paper and I took it. “But it's your birthday?”

“Just take it.” 

“Um, what is it?” 

“Flip it over dummy.” 

I flipped it over and it was a ticket for homecoming. “Oh is this for me?” 

“Yes it’s for you we want you to be there so don’t even bother saying ‘I wasn’t planning to go okay?” 

I nodded. “Thank you..” 

“Minji bought it so thank her.” 

“Oh can you tell her I said thanks?” 

“Nah, you can tell her yourself.” She said smiling like she had a plan going. Hanni Pham sure knew how to make me do things, that's for sure. 

I woke up around 8 in the morning. I checked my phone with some texts from Soobin. I don’t even remember falling asleep but I knew I tried to stay up for as long as I could to finish the movie with Hanni. I looked around and everyone was already gone. I walked out of the TV room to the kitchen to see Hyein sitting down at the table. 

“Good morning Hyein, why didn’t you wake me up?” 

“Oh trust me I tried,” Hyein laughed out, “Here hannis dad bought some donuts.” She moved the box of donuts towards me. 

“Thanks.” 

“Haerin you’re awake! You sure were asleep, we couldn't even wake you up.” Hanni said she was in the kitchen making pancakes and eggs. 

I groaned because they definitely took pictures of me. I grabbed a maple donut and pulled my phone out again. I needed to text Soobin to let him know when to pick me up. “Hey, I think I'm gonna head out right now.” I said walking over to Hanni.

“Whaaat? No stay for a bit longer, at least eat breakfast with us.” Hanni said as she flipped over one of the pancakes she was making. 

“Yeah stay please, this is the longest we have hung out in the past weeks!” Hyein yelled, agreeing with Hanni, “We're the H team!” 

“Okay I'll stay and eat breakfast.” I said laughing at the dumb trio name Hyein made. I ate breakfast with Hanni and Hyein laughing at all the random crap they would tell me. They kinda were able to get my mind off how badly I messed up yesterday. Soobin picked me up around 10. I said bye to Hanni and Hyein as they walked me out waving to Soobin he waved back.

“Alright I'll see you guys later.” 

“You better.” Hyein said as her and Hanni walked back inside. I got in soobins car. 

“Had fun?” He asked as he turned on the radio.

“Yes but no? Let’s just say I messed up and now I think Danielle wants nothing to do with me.” 

“What did you do?” He said, giving me a worried expression. 

“Well..” 

I told how everything went down last night from the awkward moments to the moment that I pissed off Danielle that she literally scoffed at me. I don't blame her. 

“Wow you said that?”

“I didn’t mean to, I don't know I was being an idiot! and now she hates me because I couldn’t even do my damn job and be her Best Friend.” I said looking out the window we passed by the park as I saw three kids playing it reminded me of us. Us three would always walk to the park when we were able to. 

“Nah dude you need to apologize I mean it’s Danielle so she’s not gonna hate you or anything but still just try to apologize as soon as you can.” He said lowering down the music. 

“I know.”

We were about three minutes away from our neighborhood when Soobin spoke again, “Oh and don't forget our party is today.” He said excitedly.

“Party?”

“Dude the one we were literally talking about last week,” He said looking over at me I just shook my head because I honestly forgot when they mentioned a party, “Remember we said we were going to party? Help you get your mind off Danielle.”

“Oh right that party talk I don't know why I forgot for a second.”

“Yeah, remember Beomgyu was going to get his brother to get us some beer.” 

“Wow you’re such a bad influence on your little cousin.” I said jokingly.

“Shut up,” He laughed as he pulled up to my house, “Be at my house by 5.” I gave him a thumbs up and went inside walking right up to my room and flopped right on my bed. I know It’s still kinda early but I wouldn’t mind a nap, after all the only time I can keep my mind off Danielle was sleeping unless I dream, which was rare for me but according to the guys this party will help me too I guess we'll see. I grabbed my phone to set an alarm so I could get up and get ready for tonight and as soon as I set it I quickly fell asleep. 

I finished getting ready and quickly left my house locking it. I looked over to Danielle's house and no one was home. It wasn’t surprising since her and her parents usually do things on weekends. At least that’s who I was hoping she was with. I miss her texting me about her day and what she was doing. It was always so fun. I let myself in and saw Soobin and Yeonjun in the living room watching the basketball game.

“Oh I forgot the Warriors were playing.” I said walking over to them as I dropped my bag of things I brought near the door.

“Hey! Yeah me and Yeonjun are betting right now I say they’re gonna lose and he says they're going to win because they’re the goats?” Soobin laughed, saying goats in a sarcastic way. 

“They are!” Yeonjun said not looking over at Soobin his attention was 100% on that TV.

“Yeah if they lose it’s probably going to ruin Minji's day she’s probably watching the game right now.” I said.

“Yeah I agree with her, she's valid for that.” Yeonjun replied. I sat down and started watching the game too. The Warriors were actually doing pretty good. We were actually all getting pretty into it because we started to get loud during the plays.

“Common Curry!” Yeonjun yelled and Jumped up in joy when he made the three. That’s when the three that were still missing walked in.

“Got the drinks!” Beomgyu yelled, placing them on the table. 

“Ah I forgot they were playing today.” Taehyun said while looking at the TV. 

“Boo sports nerds.” Kai added as he and Taehyun came to sit down. 

“Hey.” We all said as everyone came to join us in the living room. 

“Let’s watch the game then drink?” Soobin asked everyone which they all just nodded their head to. 

“This is kinda making me miss basketball..” I said feeling bad over the practices I missed. 

“You should definitely start going again. Your guys team is doing good right now,” Yeonjun said, “Minji was telling me you guys won your game you should definitely go to the next one.” 

I nodded. Watching the game was fun, especially seeing everyone’s reactions. And the Warriors actually won which made Soobin have to pay Yeonjun five bucks. 

“Thank you!” Yeonjun said smiling as he put the five in his wallet. I pulled out my phone to text Minji but stopped myself. I still need to apologize, not just text her about the game.. 

“Alright let's get started but first let's repeat the rules.” Soobin said as he stood up.

“Rules?” I said looking over at him.

“Yeah there’s four. One, know your limit obviously this is your first time drinking so I guess you’ll find that out today. Second, everyone puts their keys away in this little box. It's over by the fireplace and I do lock it. We need to be safe! Third, please if you’re going to throw up go to the bathroom! I do not want to pick up after you and I'll make you clean it. Four if you’re going to drink you have to sleepover.” He said looking at me since I was the new one here.

Everyone nodded and I nodded back to him. “Okay we can just start slow and I'll give you a drink but I do want to take a shot with you.” Soobin said as he walked over to the kitchen to grab the alcohol. 

“Me too!” Beomgyu said happily, walking over to help Soobin. They opened the box of beer and Yeonjun grabbed two for him and Taehyun and a white claw for Kai. I walked over to Soobin and Beomgyu. 

“How about I just make you a mixed drink? like I can mix this with soda if you want since it's your first.” Soobin asked as he showed me the soda. 

“That works.” 

“Cool.” 

“Can you make me one too?” Beomgyu asked. Soobin nodded his head and we both watched as he made our drink.

“Here you go,” he said handing it to me, “And once you finish that I will make you another.” 

“Thanks.”

I went to sit back down looking at the drink in my hands. I’m not going to lie, I was nervous but excited. I looked around to see everyone already drinking. Yeonjun and Taehyun had beer while Kai had a white claw.

“Haerin you should try these too, they're not as strong as the other stuff.” Kai said pointing at his drink. 

“Yeah I will.” I actually did want to drink and get kinda drunk at least. If they say it will let me think of anything other than Danielle then I'll do it. 

“Alright since the game is over I can put on a movie or something and then a shot and if you guys want some drinking games?” Soobin said.

“Oh you know what we should play that card game.” Yeonjun said.

“Which one?” Taehyun asked. 

“The one where you stack the cards on top of a bottle or something and you take turns to blow the cards down and the loser who blows the last card takes the shot.” Yeonjun said as he used his hands to demonstrate.

“Oh that one!” Kai said.

“Yeah I've heard about that one actually,” Soobin said, “And we can do our usual flip cup and beer pong?”

“Yeah.” They all replied. I looked down at my drink before taking a sip. It tasted different but not so bad since I was able to taste the soda too. 

“Good?” Soobin asked.

“Good.”

“Alright finish that one so I can make another,” Soobin said, grabbing the controller to put on a movie he went to his apps and clicked on disney plus. 

“You’re going to put on a Disney movie?” Yeonjun said, “While we’re trying to get drunk?” 

“I don’t know don’t you think it would be funny?” He replied, clicking on the princess collection, getting a small chuckle from Beomgyu. I think the funniest part was the fact that none of them were complaining instead they seemed more excited.

“Oh we should watch Frozen. I haven't seen that In a while.” Beomgyu said excitedly.

“No, we should watch Mulan, that's a good movie with a good soundtrack.” Kai said, taking a drink from his white claw.

“Hey Frozen has a good soundtrack too!” Beomgyu replied, turning his head to him.

“I agree actually.” Taehyun said, looking at Kai as he wrapped his arm around his shoulder. I never noticed how close they were till now. 

“No guys, the obvious answer is Tangled or The Princess and the Frog.” Yeonjun said. I looked over to the TV as Soobin continued to scroll through the movies. 

“How about The Little Mermaid?” I added.

“Ohhh yeah put that one on!” Beomgyu said, looking at Soobin.

“Yeah I agree with that one.” Kai said and Taehyun just nodded in agreement.

“Me too.” Yeonjun said. I wasn’t going to tell them why I picked it. I got a look from Soobin because he already knew why. 

“Alright.” He said putting on the sing along version. 

He knew because it was one of Danielle's favorite princess movies and she really liked Ariel since we were kids she would always sing the soundtrack. 

I remember this one time during middle school I was over at her house and Soobin wasn’t there because he had to run errands with his mom so it was just me and Danielle. She put on The Little Mermaid since it was the only princess movie they had on CD so we would watch it a lot. I never complained though I loved hearing her sing along. She had me judge her on her singing since she was going to perform for the talent show. I remember just watching her mesmerized as she sang Part of Your World. I remember thinking she looked beautiful like a princess. She won the talent show which I knew she was going to win, she’s so talented. I haven’t heard her sing in a while or sing that song. I miss it. 

Soobin broke my train of thought when he sat next to me, “Ready for another?” He asked, looking down at my drink.

“Oh almost, hey Taehyun and Kai are really close I just noticed.” 

He gave me a funny look as he opened his mouth, “Dude they’re literally dating.”

“What!?” I yelled as Beomgyu turned to shush me.

“Yeah you didn’t know? I mean they’re not exactly a PDA type of couple like Hanni and Minji for example but I think if you’re around them often you’d notice they’re especially more clingy when it's just us and when we’re not at school. Did you really not notice?” 

I looked over to them as Taehyun still had his arm around Kai’s shoulder and watched as Kai offered him some of his white claw which he happily drank.

“Now that you mention it… yeah.” I said looking back at him. He just shook his head and laughed as he drank his beer and watched the movie. I mean to my defense I rarely hung out with all of them out of school.

I quickly finished my drink and handed it to Soobin for another, which he quickly made and handed it to me. The more I drank the easier it got and the faster it got. I was trying not to be left behind since everyone else was kinda ahead of me already and by my fourth drink was when I think I was able to feel it a bit. We were at the part where Sebastian was trying to help Eric kiss Ariel when Beomgyu started to sing along.

“Sha-la-la-la-la-la don’t be scared you got the mood prepared, go on and kiss the girl!” 

“Sha-la-la-la-la-la don't stop now, don't try to hide it how you wanna kiss the girl.” Yeonjun sang. Really these guys are so funny. And of course I had to kill the mood.

“This movie reminds me of Danielle. That’s why I picked it. Sorry guys, I'm not following up on the plan.” I blurted out.

“Boo Haerin, you tricked us.” Yeonjun said as he stopped singing. 

“Yeah, we're supposed to be having fun, not be sad.” Beomgyu said he stopped singing too. 

“I guess that means we need to change it,” Kai said, “Soobin pass me the remote.”

Soobin was about to pass him the remote but I stopped him fast, “Wait! Let's just finish it. I'm sorry I had to ruin the vibe but I still want to watch it.” 

“Haerin you know I’m being serious when I say I can introduce you to new people right? I can try to help you move on.” Yeonjun said. I know he was being serious, he always seemed so sincere, they all did. 

“Yeah we want to help you, we can start introducing you or taking you out to more parties with us.” Taehyun said Kai was now resting his head on his shoulder as he nodded to agree. 

“No… thanks guys really but I don't think I could..” 

“Why not?” Beomgyu asked. I stayed silent for a couple seconds. I knew I was already tipsy. I could feel it and everyone else was too. 

“Because.. even if I do start seeing people or even start dating someone I know I wouldn’t be able to love them all the way.. like the way I love Danielle.” 

I wasn’t planning on being vulnerable with my feelings. The reasons why I love Danielle so much, how much of an amazing person she is, how she shines so bright, her beautiful smile, her beautiful voice and laugh, the way I feel like I can talk for hours when I’m with her, the way her ears get red when she’s flustered, when I fell in love and how much she helps me, how just being able to know she’s across the street keeps me sane, everything about her I love. But the movie was already over when I stopped rambling about the cheerful girl who lives right across the street and if I'm being honest I could keep talking if I wanted to. 

There was a bit of silence when Beomgyu started to sniff and cry as he covered his face, “That’s beautiful!” He yelled as he started wiping his tears, yeah he was definitely not sober anymore. 

“No, she's beautiful,” I replied because she is, Danielle Marsh is beautiful. They all nodded as I finally let out a sigh, “Sorry guys this isn’t the hang out you were expecting right?” 

“It’s all good we just wanted to focus on you.” Kai said.

“But we should probably change the mood,” Soobin said as he walked over to his TV stand and opened one of the drawers. He pulled out uno cards and as soon as I saw the cards I covered my face and started to cry.

“Uno reminds me of her!” I yelled. Yeah I’m definitely not sober either. 

“Aww!” They all yelled as they all came over to hug me. You would think being group hugged by five drunk dudes would be weird but in reality they made me feel safe. I think I get what Ms. Kim is trying to say. 

“Let’s just move on to shots.” Soobin said, patting my head, I nodded as I wiped the tears that left my eyes and followed them all to the kitchen. Everyone watched as Soobin grabbed the shot glasses from the kitchen cabinet. I watched as he opened the tequila bottle. I mean I’ve had a sip of beer before at family parties when my uncles would offer but this was my first time taking an actual shot and I didn’t want to look dumb. I watched as he filled all six shot glasses and handed them to everyone, saving the last one for me. 

“Here okay don’t keep it in your mouth okay? Just drink it fast.” Soobin handing the glass to me, I nodded and looked around as everyone just smiled in excitement to see me take my first shot. 

“Alright ready?” Taehyun said, looking around at everyone we all nodded. 

“3.” 

“2” 

“1” 

Without thinking I drank it quickly listening to Soobins advice. Even from the smell of it alone I was able to tell it wasn’t going to be the best thing ever but as soon as I drank it I made a face as a cough left my mouth making everyone laugh at me. 

“Yaay!” Beomgyu yelled as he patted my back and I got cheers from the rest of the guys. I smiled. This was pretty fun. 

“Good job,” Soobin said as he smiled, “Okay Should we do the card game Yeonjun recommended or our usual flip cup?” 

“How about the first card game first?” Kai said, getting a nod from Soobin. He went over to grab the Uno cards as he grabbed an empty beer bottle that was in the living room. He placed the bottle and then the stack of cards on top. 

“Alright oldest to youngest?” Yeonjun said smiling. 

“Dude you’re probably gonna blow down all the cards aren’t you.” Taehyun said, rolling his eyes . 

“No, I swear I won’t!” Yeonjun replied as he went in front of the line. I was last which was bad because if I blew the last card down I would have to take the shot. Soobin quickly poured another shot and placed it on the side. We all took turns and everyone screamed when Beomgyu blew most of the cards down. Taehyun blew a few more and then Kai blew the rest leaving one. 

“Ohhhh Haerin takes it!” Beomgyu yelled as he started to laugh, making everyone else laugh too. 

“You guys just want me drunk at this point.” I groaned as Soobin passed the shot to me. I took a deep breath before looking around to see them all nod and smile in excitement. I took the shot making a face again, getting another laugh out of them and then some clapping. 

We played again and this time Yeonjun did blow most of them which caused Soobin to blow the last few leaving very few cards left causing Beomgyu to gasp. He went down as he let out soft blows. I let out a small laugh because he looked so focused. He failed and yelled when all the cards fell down. Yeonjun passed him the shot which he took right away as he closed his eyes making a face everyone laughed at his clear show of disgust.

We did this a couple more times, the next loser being Kai and then Soobin and then me and Beomgyu again. Yeonjun and Taehyun were way too good at this game. 

“Let’s play flip cup, let me grab the tape.” Soobin said, grabbing the blue painters tape from the junk drawer. I watched as he made a big box on the table with more smaller boxes inside. There were a total of 25 squares. 

He placed the shot glass in the middle of the square and grabbed the small stack of red plastic cups, “Okay the rules are simple you flip the cup if you land it you move the glass forward to the next square, toward the person in front of you but you have to be fast because if that person also lands it they’re going to move it to you while the other people on the other sides do the same but to each other. The whole point is to move the glass away from you if you lose and the shot glass goes all the way out of the square on your side you have to take the shot, got it?” He asked looking at me I nodded 

“Cool,” He said as he grabbed four cups to place them around each side of the square, “Who wants to start with me?” 

“Me.” Beomgyu said as he went on one of the sides of the table. 

“Me too.” Yeonjun said doing the same. 

“I’ll start too.” Taehyun said going to the last side of the square, that was missing a person. 

“Okay for this first round you can just watch and then you and Kai will play next, oh and if you win you can switch with someone who’s waiting.” Soobin said as he started counting down checking to see if everyone was ready. They all started laughing as they were flipping their cups and pushing the shot glass forward to the person in front of them. Me and Kai started to laugh when Beomgyu Made a panicked noise as Yeonjun kept landing his flips moving the shot closer to him. Everyone laughed when the shot made it out of Beingyus side as he groaned and quickly took the shot. 

“Your turn.” Soobin said, smiling. Me and Kai took Yeonjun’s and Soobins place. 

“Ready?” Taehyun said as he looked at me he was the one across from me and I already knew he wasn’t going to go easy on me with the smile he had on his face. I nodded as he yelled out go. I was so focused on this game and making sure I landed my cup that I could feel my brows furrow in concentration making Soobin and Yeonjun laugh. 

“Wow Haerin is pretty good,” Yeonjun said but quickly adding, “But Taehyun's better.” As Taehyun pushed the shot outside my side of the square. 

“Thank God!” Beomgyu yelled out as he wiped his forehead in relief. 

“Go Go Go!” They all chanted as I grabbed the shot moving it closer to my mouth. I let out a small laugh and took it, getting laughter from all of them. 

“This is getting easier if I’m being honest.” I said placing the glass down. 

“And it’s only going to get easier.” Yeonjun replied. 

“Yup so get ready because the goal is for you to wake up with the worst headache you’ve ever had.” Soobin said, getting a laugh from rest. I shook my head and laughed too.  

We played some more drinking games and I took even more shots and I swear every ten minutes I had to excuse myself to pee. 

“I HAVE TO PEE WAIT!” I yelled before they started the next game. I never knew being drunk would get me this loud. I went up stairs holding the railing so I wouldn’t fall down and went straight to the bathroom. I quickly finished and washed my hands. I looked at myself in the mirror smiling because I was having a lot of fun right now and because of the dumb look I had on my face. 

I let out a laugh before pulling out my phone, going straight to my messages and clicking on me and Danielle’s chat. I smiled before thinking it wouldn’t be a bad idea to send her a message right? I think I’m sober enough to send at least one. I blinked a couple times trying to make sense of the keyboard in front of me. I couldn't really focus on what I was clicking but I think I got most of it right, I think but I suddenly got the idea to tell Soobin before I sent my message. 

I left the bathroom with my phone in my hands and a smile on my face, “Soobin come here!” I yelled as he walked over, “What if I sent a message to Danielle right now!? Or maybe even just tell her that I’m in love with her. I don't know why but this is the most courage I’ve ever had in my life!” 

“What!?” He said, grabbing my hand to look at my phone, “Haerin you spelled like half of this text wrong!” 

“Who cares she’s right over there she can walk here and drink with us! And maybe I can just tell her how I feel. I actually feel like I can tell her!” I yelled back, moving my hand away from him. 

“No! You’re not sober right now, don't do something you’re going to regret when you wake up.” He said, shaking his head as he put his hand out for my phone. 

“What no not regrets I feel fine stop you’re not even sober either!” I said moving my phone to my chest as I felt my grip on it tighten. 

“Definitely more sober than you!” He yelled as he emphasized his hand to give him my phone, “If you don’t I’m going to cut you off.” 

“Boo what! Fine!” I whined as I gave my phone to him. 

“Thank you.. Haerin I just want you to have fun and not think about Danielle okay? He said emphasizing the not, “But I do think you’ve had enough so just take a break okay? Don’t need you puking on the floor or worse the couch” I watched as he put my phone in the front pocket of his jeans. I just frowned at his remark as we walked back to the rest of the guys. He didn’t get it. I was actually getting the courage to do something to say something. 

The good thing was that Soobin was starting to get sleepy. Everyone was doing their own thing at this point and Soobin was trying his hardest to not fall asleep on the couch as he played some music from the TV and it was easier to sneak drink from behind his back. 

“Yeonjun give me that.” I said pointing at the unopened beer can that was behind him. He passed it to me with no questions and I drank it. We we’re all talking at the table as Beomgyu left to go join Soobin on the couch passing out right away. I don’t even know how long our conversations were going on for but we're talking about the most random crap it went from Taehyun and Yeonjun debating who is the best basketball player ever to if we think Aliens exist. 

“Okay but what if the aliens aren’t friendly like what if they’re bad like in Nope like what if they’re just a big ass alien that sucks up people and not the ones we always see with the big head and big eyes!!” Yeonjun said loudly as he slammed his empty beer can onto the table. 

“Nope? What is that?” Taehyun said looking over to all of us. 

“Nope you don’t know what Nope is? You know that movie right, Haerin??” Yeonjun said as he waved his arms around this made me laugh over how upset he was over Taehyun not knowing what movie he was talking about. I nodded at him and he quickly looked back at Taehyun. Taehyun just shook his head, “Dude you need to watch it, that movie is so trippy!” 

“I’ll add it to my list then.” He replied as Kai was starting to nod off as he placed his head down, “Kai don’t sleep on the table,” He shook Kai a bit for a response getting a quick groan, “I’m going to take him to bed already it’s late, guys.” We nodded as he grabbed Kai and helped him upstairs going to Soobins room. It's not like he’s going to sleep there anyways he was already passed out on the couch. I looked over at the wall clock in the kitchen. It was currently 2:30am. 

“Are you tired?” Yeonjun said, looking at me. 

“No, I feel like I can keep going.” I said 

“Cool because I do too!” He replied. We just started laughing uncontrollably and he started to hit me on the shoulder as he tried to stop to breathe. We both continued to laugh. 

“Dude we are not sober at all”

“No we’re not.” I replied, wiping the tears that were leaving my eyes from laughing. We took a couple more shots and we both continued to laugh as we tried not to fall over. I was starting to struggle to keep my eyes open. 

“I’m going to pee,” he said, almost falling over, “I’ll be right back! Get the shots ready.”

“Do you need help up the stairs?!” I said as he grabbed onto the railing tightly. 

“No! I’m completely fine.” He laughed and I watched as he bent down and started to just crawl up the stairs making us both laugh even louder. I poured the shots and sat back down on one of the dining chairs as I tried my best to stay awake and I think I was waiting for more than ten minutes before finally standing up slowly making my way up the stairs. 

“Yeonjun?” I said knocking on the bathroom door. I didn't get an answer and the light was off too. I opened the door to see no one in the bathroom. I made my way to Soobins room and I looked to see a sleeping Taehyun and Kai on his bed and a very drunk Yeonjun on the floor, “Hey Yeonjun you said we were going to take a shot when you were done with the bathroom.” I whispered as I nudged him softly with my foot he just grumbled under his breath. Yeah he was definitely done. 

I left Soobin’s oom and was going to make my way to his sister's room but I stopped as soon as I grabbed the door knob. Wait, I was the only one awake right now. The only one that can see me taking my phone. I smiled as I turned right around walking back down the stairs slowly because I felt like I would fall if I didn’t. I made my way to a sleeping Soobin and carefully grabbed my phone from his pocket. I grabbed my bag that was by the door and walked back up the stairs and went inside my cousin's room not bothering to close the door behind me. 

I could do it right now and no one will stop me. I could text her. I should do it now while I still have this feeling of courage with me, no I need to do it right now before it’s gone. I looked at my phone and opened it going straight to our messages and typed I typed without even reading it and hit send. It was currently 3:04am. I threw myself on the bed and smiled. Who said alcohol makes you do stupid things? 

I woke up at 6:30am to my alarm. I forgot to turn it off. I groaned and put my hand to my forehead. It was hurting so bad, the worst headache I’ve ever had if I’m being honest. I quickly turned my alarm off before closing my eyes shut again hoping I could go to sleep and have this nauseous feeling go away. No I can’t. I ran to the bathroom and luckily Soobins sister had her own bathroom in her room. As soon as I reached the toilet I puked. I groaned and flushed the toilet as I pulled my toothbrush out of my bag. 

I'm so glad I brought my stuff over. I brushed my teeth and flopped back on the bed. I put my hands on my head and groaned as I messaged my temples this headache was not going away it was actually feeling worse. I was trying to remember what the hell even happened last night. I think I was starting to black out when I went to the bathroom for the last time. 

Wait the bathroom… my phone.. wait Soobin took my phone… but my phone was right next to me? He took my phone? My eyes widened. I remember he took it from me because I was going to message Danielle. 

“No no no no…” That’s all that was leaving my mouth as I grabbed my phone unlocking it, “Please that must’ve been a dream I did not text her I didn’t..”  

I did. Oh no, “NO WHAT THE HELL!” I yelled as I threw my phone across the room. 

“What the hell are you yelling for dude?” I heard a groggy voice say. I turned and saw Yeonjun as he tried his best to keep his eyes open.  

“I’m a fucking idiot that’s why!” 

“What?” He replied, finally opening his eyes to look at me. I got up so quick from the bed and pushed him aside getting a small surprised hey from him as I ran down the stairs right out the front door running straight to Danielle’s house. It’s the weekend so she won’t be up till 8. That was her usual wake up time. It was probably like 6:54 or 7 right now. I didn't even know I didn’t even have my phone. I threw it somewhere in the room. 

I knocked very desperately on her door hoping her parents would open it because they would definitely let me in. My heart was beating so hard and I was getting sweaty as the door opened. It was her sister. 

“Olivia??!” I yelled in shock, “You’re home from school..!?” 

“Oh Haerin.” She said disappointed. She looked kinda mad. Oh I think I know why, “Why are you here right now it’s so early?” 

“Um.. I forgot something in Danielle’s room and I need to go get it like right now it’s super super urgent.” I said. She did not look convinced. 

“I think you can wait till she’s awake.” She said as she was about to close the door. 

“NO! Please, I really need to get it!” I said putting my hand on the door. She looked at me kinda shocked with how desperate I was sounding but I needed to get inside that house somehow and right now. 

“What the hell are you even trying to get that you’re literally yelling at 7 in the morning for?” 

“Um my switch? Yeah my switch she has it and I need it right now.. um Soobin and his friends want to play and they wanted me to grab mine so we can get extra players but she has it so.” Which was half true. She does have my switch but I basically let her keep it since I never use it. 

“You need that right now??” She said she looked very confused. 

“Yes! Please they’re going to yell at me if I don’t bring it back… please Olivia.. please.” I said in distress. 

She sighed and opened the door wider as she stepped to the side. I quickly let myself in and tried to ignore the stares she was giving me as I quietly went up the stairs to Danielle’s room. My heart was beating so fast and I could feel my breathing getting quicker as if I just ran the mile. She doesn’t wake up till 8 on weekends. I know this. But what if she decided to wake up earlier today? I mean her sister is here and I wouldn’t be surprised if she started the day early to spend more time with her. Her door was open, which made it easier. I stepped inside and she was asleep. 

“Oh thank God.” I whispered under my breath. Her room was always so nice and tidy it feels like forever since the last time I was in here. I walked quietly to her bedside table where her phone was charging and I picked it up. The thing about Danielle was that she did not care who knew her password. I remember getting on her about that, telling her she needs to stop telling everyone her password but for once I’m glad she didn’t care. 

I turned her phone on and to my surprise her wallpaper was a picture of us not me, her and the rest of the girls it was just me and her. It was the picture we took when we went on our last hike. I remember her sister took it for us. I quickly put in her password going to her messages. I just need to delete mine and fast. She already had some from him and some from Hanni. I ignored those I scrolled down and clicked on my name. It still had heart. I could feel myself frowning by the way I was acting. You would think she wouldn’t have me as her wallpaper or keep the heart but she did. I read my message over. 

Haerin <3 

Dani I wanteg to tel yoh thay I’m in love witj you anf im beinh super serios rigjt now ive benn in love with you since forevr that why im avoidng you becasue i love you but youre woth him :( also I am nowt sober righy now lol please text me bacj when you can im sory. 

God, I'm such an idiot. I deleted it and put her phone right back in the spot that I grabbed it from. I was about to leave when I remembered I needed to grab my switch. It was on her desk. As I was trying to quiet grab it I looked down seeing a piece of paper. It was her poem but it was scratched out and she had her trash piled up to the brim with paper too. Was she really struggling that bad with this poetry contest? I didn’t want to read it because it was probably about him. That's why she keeps redoing it. She probably wants it to be perfect. She's always been like that. I grabbed my switch and looked back one more time. She was still asleep. She really was so beautiful. 

I quietly went down the stairs the same way I went up and her sister was still by the door waiting. She looked down at the switch in my hand as she put her hand out asking for it. I gave it to her. 

“I want to talk to you. I'll give this back when I’m done.” She said as she grabbed it from my hands. She led me outside the house and closed the door behind us. I’m not going to lie. I was so scared her sister always kinda scared me. I mean she was cool but when she was angry she was scary. 

“Haerin I—”

“So—” 

“What?” She asked. 

“I’m sorry you go.” I said 

“What were you going to say?” She asked, looking annoyed that I interrupted her. 

“Oh I was just going to say that you’re home! Um I didn’t know your car wasn’t in the driveway so..” 

“It’s in the shop right now.” 

“Oh what’s wrong w—”

“Haerin, stop talking.” 

I stopped. 

“Why are you here? Because if you really think I believe your dumb switch lie you’re wrong. You’re still such a bad liar you always have been.” 

I stayed quiet. I wasn’t looking at her, I was looking down at the floor and at my shoes that I didn’t even bother taking off last night. 

“Do you think I don’t know how you’ve been acting? Danielle is my sister. She tells me everything, about how you’ve been avoiding her and how you’ve been pretending she doesn’t even exist. Do you even know how sad she is about you? She thinks she did something wrong for you to hate her and picking up my sister from her friend's birthday party and seeing her sad isn’t something I want to see.” She said her voice was firm and low. 

I could feel my eyes getting wet as I continued to stare at the floor. 

“My sister is an amazing person who doesn’t need that negative energy from people who don’t deserve her.. and you don’t.. deserve her. So just leave her the hell alone and stay out of her way,” That was all she said as my switch came into view, “Take it and leave her alone if you’re just going to make her sad I mean it.” 

I grabbed it and mumbled sorry, “What?” She asked, I finally looked up at her, my eyes still wet. 

“I’m sorry.” I said my voice was trembling. She sighed and looked away as she scratched the back of her head. I turned and walked away from their house. I didn't look back, not once. 

“I’m going to tell her that you came over by the way.” Her sister said before I was too far that she would have to yell. I stopped and turned my head to the side and just nodded and continued to walk back to Soobin’s house. I let myself in and sighed as soon as the door closed. Soobin was awake and in the kitchen making some coffee. 

“Where were you?” He said not looking up from the coffee. 

“I was just doing something.” I responded. 

“I woke up and your phone wasn’t in my pocket anymore and Yeonjun said that you ran out of here like you were late for work or something.” 

“Oh that’s funny.. where are they right now?” I asked, my voice low. 

“They went to get donuts.” 

“Oh.” 

“Be honest with me Haerin please.” He said. There was a bit of silence before I spoke. 

“I was.. I went to delete the message I sent to Danielle before she woke up..” 

“What?!” He said finally looking at me, “Haerin.. don’t you think you should just... leave Danielle alone?” 

“What?” 

“I mean you’ve just been ghosting her and making her sad.. I get you being sad and not wanting to be around her but don’t you think you should just leave her alone?” 

“You don’t get it, just leave me alone and stay out of my business!” I yelled back. He looked startled at my sudden yelling. 

“What? Look Haerin I’m sorry this is happening to you it sucks but it doesn’t give you the right to be rude, Danielle is my friend too you remember that right?” He said he looked upset, “Do you know how bad I feel when she texts me to ask what’s wrong with you? Or when she asks if she did something wrong that upset you?!” 

“What she texted you!? Why didn’t you tell me?” 

“Because I know it would only make you feel bad! Haerin I have to pretend like I don’t know why you’re being weird. I’m risking my own friendship because I want you to be comfortable and feel welcomed and if that means you hanging out with me and my friends then that’s fine because I love hanging out with you but if you’re going to just ignore Danielle then just leave her alone entirely instead of just being an asshole to her!”

I stayed quiet because he was right. I knew he was right. He looked away sadly, “I’m sorry.. Haerin just come sit down they should be back with the donuts any m—” 

“I think I’m just going to go home.” I said cutting him off. I was about to head upstairs to his sister's room to grab my stuff and my phone when he stopped me. 

“Oh okay.. By the way, Yeonjun threw up on the bathroom floor last night. I told you to stop drinking.” He replied I stayed silent. I grabbed my stuff fast and made my way downstairs and as soon as I was going to open the door the guys were already back with the donuts. 

“Hey Haerin, where were you in the morning? Wait, never mind look at the donuts we brought!” Beomgyu said as he opened the box to show me. 

“That's cool gyu.” I replied, waiting for him to move out of the way. 

“Haerin the coffees ready!” I heard Kai yell out he was already in the kitchen with everyone else. I looked over and waved bye. Soobin had his back facing me as he poured his coffee in his mug. 

“I’m going home now Beomgyu I’ll see you later okay?” 

“Oh okay but we brought donuts?” 

“I’m good, I swear.” I replied as I patted his shoulder leaving. I waved and he just confusingly waved back as I closed the door behind me. I quickly made it to my house and opened it slamming the door behind me. It's not like anyone is going to get mad. There was literally never anyone home to be mad. It was always just me. I looked at my phone, no notifications, nothing. Back at my empty house I could've been eating donuts right now. And it was all my fault. I realized just how lonely I really was. 

I went to my room and closed my door. I sat at my desk and placed my switch next to my lamp. I sighed and took out a piece of paper. Since I don’t have anything else to do I guess the only answer right now should be to start my poem. 

It was Friday, the day before prom. I’m in first period right now and Ms. Kim is going over the last couple chapters we need to read to finish the book. I wasn’t really paying attention if I'm being honest. I was too busy finishing up my poem which of course was about Danielle. I tried, I really did try writing about other things, people but I couldn't. I looked over at her and she was also scribbling down on paper. I swear she’s always writing something in this class and she’s always looking so focused while doing so. She seemed sadder and I can't help but feel like it's all my fault. We haven’t talked since that incident at Hanni’s party. She didn’t even send a text asking why I went over that weekend because I'm sure her sister did tell her. She probably doesn’t want to talk to me. I don't blame her. I've been going out of my way to avoid her all the time now, which I think is for the best. All I do is keep making things worse. But I miss her. I miss her a lot.  

The bell rang and she left pretty fast too. He was probably waiting for her outside that door. I waited for everyone to leave. There was still a good five minute passing time before second period and I wanted to talk to my English teacher. 

“Um Ms. Kim?” I said as the last student finally left.

“Haerin what's up, have some questions?” She said she was organizing some papers she had on her desk.

“I just wanted to say thank you.”

This caused her to look up at me and stop her from organizing, “Oh for what?”

“For helping me understand that its okay to be vulnerable I think your little lesson you gave when you forced me to join the contest helped me a lot.” I said and she just smiled. 

“I didn’t force you Haerin you asked for extra credit and I gave you my answer,” She laughed, “But you’re welcome, I'm glad that you’re more comfortable with sharing your emotions. Speaking of emotions, how is your poem coming along?”

“I think it’s going good actually.” I wasn’t lying, I think it actually was coming along pretty good. 

“That’s great to hear. I can't wait to read what you have to write about.” She said as the kids from her next class came in. I saw Kai and we waved at each other as he found his seat.

“I think I better go now.” I said waving.

“Yeah great talk Haerin i'll see you Monday. Are you going to Homecoming?” 

I nodded, “That’s great, I hope you have fun.” She said smiling.

“Thanks.” I said leaving. 

During lunch I found my way to our table and sat down next to Soobin. I was actually able to apologize and make up with him last week. We could never stay mad at each other. It was funny because I walked over to his house and knocked. I never knocked. He opened the door and let me in and his whole family was actually home that day. I said hi to everyone and they all hugged me tightly. 

One thing about them is that they’re going to let you know how much they missed you. He walked me up to his room and he closed the door so I could talk to him and I apologized for being unfair to him. He was right. I was making him risk his friendship with Danielle. I apologized for snapping at him, he doesn't deserve that. He's so funny because he started crying as soon as I finished my apology but he’s Soobin and one thing about Soobin was that he cries. I hugged him and he hugged me back. I'm really thankful to have him as my cousin. I stayed over that night and ate dinner with them. 

“Hey guys.” I said.

“Hey! We were just talking about how excited we are for homecoming are you?” Beomgyu said as he scooted closer to me. 

“Honestly a little bit.” I muttered out. Getting a smile from everyone. I think I actually was excited and maybe a little nervous because Danielle and her boyfriend were going to be there but I should at least try to enjoy myself right? 

It was Saturday. It was homecoming. I woke up at 9:36am and went downstairs to make my usual coffee and put on some YouTube as I ate some bread I took from Soobin’s house with my Coffee. Homecoming didn’t start till 7pm but I was still very nervous. I didn't even know how I wanted to do my hair. Maybe curl it. 

I was talking about how nervous I was getting to Soobin yesterday and he just reassured me telling me to relax because it's just homecoming and that Him and the guys would be there the whole time so I wouldn't be alone. This did eventually calm me down but I was still a bit nervous. I think I'm just nervous to see her but I can't wait to see her dress. 

I still needed to apologize to Minji but I want to do it in person and she’s always around Danielle and I don't think doing it in math is the best option either especially since our teacher was very anti talking while she’s talking, but it’s definitely less tense between us and we’ve said a few things in class but I want to apologize properly to her. I pulled out my phone to text Hanni and Hyein.

Are you guys nervous? 

I got a message quickly back from Hyein.

Hyein

YES omg I'm nervous this is my first high school dance but I'm very excited to share it with you guys!!

Hanni

Nah i'm straight chillin bro me and Minji are about to win homecoming royalty just wait!

Oh I totally forgot about that LMAO

Hanni

What??!! How did you forget I was literally talking about the whole time we were dress shopping and dinner 

Hyein

Omg yeah i'm so excited for that you guys are definitely going to win

Just to be annoying I replied with,

Maybe… 

I laughed when Hanni disliked my message and when I got a lol from Hyein. 

But she really was talking about that a lot when we went dress shopping. We went last weekend and Hanni had already gotten her dress with Minji but she promised to take me and Hyein since she knew how to drive but we also wanted her opinion which she gladly accepted. 

“What about this one?” Hyein said, grabbing a dark red dress showing it to me and Hanni. 

“I like it, I think it’ll look nice on you.” I said trying to imagine Hyein in it. 

“Ohhh that’s a good one grab it so we can try it on,” Hanni said. We continued to look around at all the dresses as our hands kept getting more and more full, “I’m so excited about homecoming I think mostly because this is our first one with everyone and the first one where me and Minji aren’t pretending to be just friends. Oh my God and homecoming royalty I hope you had all your dude friends vote for us!” She said looking over to me.

“I did trust me I watched as they did it!” I said back getting a good from hanni. We continued to look around and we kept showing each other the dresses before grabbing it. Hanni had so many picked out for the both of us and I felt like I had very few compared to the Hyein and Hanni. 

“Alright I think we have enough for now.. let's try them on!” Hanni said, leading us to the fitting room. Hanni sat down as she waited for us to try on the dresses. We got her usual, “Ohh I like that one!” Or her “Hmmm that one looks pretty but the other one looked better.” Or her “THAT ONE!” She said that multiple times to multiple dresses. 

”Okay you need to stop saying ‘that one’ to like every dress, it isn't helpful.” I said as I changed into another dress. Both Hyein and Hanni were waiting for me because Hyein was lucky enough to find her dress while Hanni still had me going back and forth out of the fitting room to try on more dresses. I walked out wearing a really nice black dress that I personally really liked. I think Hyein picked it for me. 

“Wow! That one!” Hyein said smiling. We both looked at Hanni who was smiling.

“That’s the dress!” She said excitedly. That day was fun. We also went out to eat afterwards. I'm glad I went dress shopping with them. 

I was scrolling on my phone for a while to see how I wanted to do my hair, which was limited since I knew I would struggle if I tried to do anything that wasn’t simple. That was when I got a text from Soobin. 

Soobin

Be ready by 6:30.

I replied to his text with an okay. It was already 4 and I still didn’t know what to do with my hair. Whatever I need to shower and get ready. I showered quickly and dried my hair. I did my makeup and it was 5 when I was about to start my hair. I grabbed my mom's curler from her room and tried my best at curling my own hair. I didn’t like how it was turning out. I continued to struggle for an extra five minutes when I heard a knock at the door. I turned quickly because no one should be home. 

“Mom!” I said putting the curler down. I was surprised to see her because when they do come home it's usually for a short period of time and usually when I'm at school or when I'm asleep. 

“What are you doing?” She asked, walking into the bathroom.

“Oh I'm getting ready for homecoming..”

“Homecoming? Oh that’s around this time right, are you trying to curl your hair?” She asked, looking over at her curler.

“Yeah but it isn’t really turning out the way I wanted it to…” I was kinda embarrassed over the fact that I was struggling to curl my hair. 

“I’ll do it for you if you want.” 

Oh. This was kinda awkward. 

“Okay.” I said handing her the curler and turned around as she separated my hair and curled it. I tried my best to not make it awkward even though this whole thing felt weird. She never did my hair only when I was younger but when I was really young. I felt like crying as she gently patted my hair as she finished the last curls. 

“Done.” She said turning off the curler. I looked in the mirror and smiled. I liked it a lot. 

“Thank you.” I said looking at her she nodded and was about to leave before stopping herself. 

“I can take you to your prom Haerin.” 

“Homecoming.” I said, correcting her. 

“Right, sorry homecoming.. I can take you just text Soobin and tell him you don’t need a ride. Oh but you will need a ride back home. I'll be gone by the time you’re back.” 

“Okay cool I’ll text him now.” I said as she nodded leaving, to her bedroom. I grabbed my phone to text Soobin that my mom was going to take me to get a question mark but then an okay text right after. Even he was confused. I finished looking at my makeup again before heading to my room to grab my dress. I was really excited to wear this. I smiled as I grabbed it looking at it for a couple of seconds before putting it on. As soon as I put it on I went to my mirror and I smiled again. I really do love this dress. I looked over to my bedside table and my eyes landed on the bracelet Danielle made me when that annoying ass boy stole my other one. I grabbed it and put it on. I traced the little frog charm she put with my finger and smiled again. I love this bracelet too.

“Haerin shouldn’t you be hurrying up?” I heard my mom yell from downstairs. 

“Ah yeah I'm almost done!” I yelled back as I looked around one more time to see if I was forgetting anything. I looked over to my desk and walked to grab my poem. I don't know why but I really felt like everything in me was telling me to take my poem with me. Good thing my dress had pockets. I grabbed it and folded it to fit into my dress pocket as I walked downstairs. My mom was waiting by the door. I forget how much she looks like my grandma. 

“You look beautiful Haerin.” She said as she opened the front door with a smile.

“Thank you mom..” I said with a small smile in return. We finally got to the high school after I had to tell my mom about three times that she was going the wrong way. I got out and wrapped my arms around myself as a big wave of wind hit me. It was kinda cold outside. I turned to say bye. 

“Bye mom, thank you for driving me.” 

“You’re welcome Haerin, I'll see you tomorrow but I'll be home pretty late. I'll wake you up when I get home.” 

I nodded and closed the door. I watched as she drove away. I walked up to the front texting Soobin that I arrived and showed my ticket to the teachers out in front. I walked inside the gym and the music was loud and the gym lights were off and the only lights in there were the flashing color changing lights the DJ brought. They were very bright. I got a reply back from him saying they were by the drink stand. I walked over and saw them talking as they drank their lemonade. 

“Haerin you’re here!” Yeonjun said as he put his arm around me. 

“You look so pretty, Haerin.” Taehyun said as everyone nodded in agreement. Soobin handed me some lemonade. 

“Thanks guys.” I said smiling as I drank some of the lemonade. It was pretty good.

“Hey look who arrived.” Beomgyu said. We all looked over to see Hanni, Minji and Hyein walking in. I watched as the shorter girl noticed us and quickly made her way over to us with a big smile.

“Heyyy guys!” Hanni yelled, she seemed so excited.

“Heyy!” Beomgyu replied. They came closer so we could hear each other over the music. I looked over at Minji who was smiling as she listened to whatever Yeonjun was saying. 

“Hey Hyein, you look pretty, that red dress was definitely the right choice.” I said moving next to her. 

“Hey thank you you’re so pretty too Haerin! Omg isn’t this so cool? Look, people are actually dancing too. I want to dance, come dance with me!” She said as she grabbed my arm.

“Ah wait I need to talk to Minji real quick then I'll go dance with you I swear.” 

“Okay I'll get Hanni to dance with me for right now.” She said as she grabbed Hanni pulling her away from everyone. 

“I will be right back!” She yelled and I tried not to laugh when Minji tried to follow her but quickly got shot down by Hanni as she waved her finger in the air telling her no. 

“Let’s go dance.” Taehyun said pulling Kai with him and everyone else followed them over to Hanni and Hyein. Now it was only me and Minji. 

“You look pretty.” I said looking over at Minji. She looked at me and smiled.

“Thanks, you do too.” 

“I like the little matching dresses you and Hanni have going on.” I said. They were both wearing purple dresses but in different shades of purple Hannis was more lighter while Minjis was more of a darker purple. They were cute together, that's something I don't think I would say out loud.

“I’m sorry Minji,” I blurted out, “For being unfair to you.. I'm sorry for not taking the practices and games seriously I want to.. I want to be better and I wasn’t being a good friend to you or to everyone else.” 

There was some silence before she spoke, “You done being an asshole?” She said, smirking.

“I’m done being an asshole,” I said laughing, “I missed you and the girls I really do need you guys you’re my friends and you’re important to me and thank you so much for buying my ticket I really appreciate it.” 

“I missed you too and no problem we all wanted you here with us Haerin.. I’m sorry too for what I said when we were arguing. It wasn't cool of me to say that,” She said, putting her arm out. I took it and she pulled me in for a hug which I happily returned, “Let's go join the others now that we made up Hanni can finally fully enjoy her night all that’s left is to win royalty.” 

“Don’t even worry you guys are definitely going to win.” I said as we walked over to the dance floor. We all danced for a bit. It was fun. I mean yeah the music could’ve been better but it wasn’t that bad. 

“OH MY GOD! The Photo Booth!” Hanni and Hyein yelled suddenly in excitement as Hanni grabbed Minji to drag her with them. 

“Come on guys hurry up!” Hanni yelled as we all walked quickly following them. The good thing about the photos was that we were all able to fit and it was able to give us all each one of the photo strips. 

“These are so cute!” Hanni yelled out. 

“Look at Beomgyu’s face here!” Yeonjun laughed, pointing at the second photo in the strip.

“Still look better than you!” Beomgyu yelled out mockingly. Getting a face from Yeonjun making everyone laugh. 

“These are cute but… Dani is missing.” Hyein said sadly.

“Yeah she is.” I sighed looking around as she wasn’t here yet. They weren’t here yet. We went over to the food stands the school had rented for tonight. There were pretzels and ice cream.

“We’re going to get some ice cream.” Taehyun said his hand around Kai’s as they walked over to the ice cream stand.

“Oh me too.” Beomgyu said following them with Yeonjun also following behind.

“I want pretzels.” Hanni said walking to the pretzel stand there was kinda a long line but I wanted some too. My stomach was growling. We were in line for a good seven minutes talking when Hyein let out a yell.

“Guys Dani is here!” She said pointing at the entrance. She came inside with her boyfriend and all his little friends with their dates following behind.

“Oh my gosh her dress looks even more beautiful in person! Don’t you think so?” She said looking at Minji.

“Yeah it does.” Minji said.

It was a beautiful blue dress and it looked perfect. She looked perfect. 

“She looks like—”

“Like a princess.” I blurted out cutting Hyein off making everyone look at me. I could see Minji trying to hold in her smile as my face turned red. 

“Yeah!” Hyein said, agreeing with a smile, “I’m going to go over with her, I'll be back later.”

“What about the pretzels?” Soobin said.

“I’ll get some later!” She replied as she happily running over to Dani. 

The rest of the guys came back with their ice cream, “Damn this line is pretty long at least you guys are already close.” Beomgyu said.

“I know but I just want the pretzel so bad that I don't even care at this point.” Soobin replied as he held his stomach.

“Me too.” I said. The song suddenly changed to “More Than A Woman” by the Bee Gees .

“I love this song!” Hanni yelled out as she grabbed Minji to dance with her in the line. Everyone laughed as Minji got pulled so suddenly to dance. We continued to talk for a bit as we also nodded our heads to the music. And it was finally our turn to order. Minji and Soobin ordered for us and we were waiting on the side as we continued to talk. Everyone’s attention quickly turned to Hyein as she ran back over to us. 

“Guys!” We looked over to a panicked Hyein she looked nervous. 

“What’s wrong Hyein?” Minji asked, walking over to hear her better. 

“I think Dani and her boyfriend are arguing about something.” 

“What?” Hanni said, “About what?” This just caused Hyein to look over at me. Making everyone look at me. This needs to stop happening to me. 

“What?” I said nervously when suddenly everyone turned to look over at someone yelling. 

“How could you embarrass me like that!” Josh yelled at Danielle and she stayed quiet and he quickly realized that he was not going to get an answer. We watched as he turned away from her, leaving her near one of the doors alone. We watched as she ran outside the gym. 

“Haerin, I think you should go follow her.” Hyein said as she looked over at me.

“Me?” 

“Yes you go now.” MInji said, pushing me forward. I turned one more time and looked over at Soobin as he motioned me to go. I walked slowly to the back of the gym, opening the doors. I heard her sniffling.  She was sitting down on the steps outside the gym doors.

“Dani.. are you okay?” I said walking to her. She didn’t answer, “Can I sit down with you?” I asked and she nodded. I sat down looking around. There wasn’t even anyone outside on this side of the gym. And it was cold. I finally looked at her. She was so pretty and her makeup still looked good even if she was crying. 

“What happened… uh in there I mean he seemed really mad.” I said I wasn’t sure if I was even the person she wanted to see right now but I was going to at least try.

She sniffled again, “He broke up with me..” She said she still wasn’t looking at me. 

“Oh Dani, I'm so sorry..” I said frowning, “What an asshole breaking up with you at homecoming do you want me to go yell at him?!” 

This made her laugh a bit before she spoke again, “I’m not crying over him breaking up with me Haerin.. I'm crying because I hurt him. I'm a horrible person.” 

This caught me off guard, “What? Why would you say that you’re not horrible, you're.. you’re amazing!” I shouted I wanted her to know that she really was amazing, “Why would you say that about yourself?” I frowned. 

“Because he said I don't love him… and that I was too much of a coward to tell him and I still decided to be with him..” 

“Why would he think that?!” I said. 

“Because of my poem,” She said sniffing again, “It’s not about him.. and he wanted me to read it in front of his friends and it.. it wasn’t about him.” She finally looked over at me but quickly turned away again, “I humiliated him..”

“Oh who.. who is it about?” I asked. I watched as her face turned red. I went from looking at her face and then to her hair. It was up with two braids on the side with strands of hair coming down from the sides of her face. It was beautiful but I was also wondering if she was cold.

“I—”

“You’re—”

“Ah” We both said as we looked at each other and laughed. I miss that I missed her laugh so much. I want to keep being the one who makes her laugh. 

“I’m sorry you go.” She said as she sniffled again but with a smile. 

“Oh I just was going to say that you’re beautiful..” I said I was still looking at her and for some reason I felt the same amount of courage I had felt when I was drunk. 

“..Thank you.” She said looking away her face was still red and now her ears were too which I think was because she was cold. 

“I’m sorry for cutting you off. I felt like I had to tell you that.. what were you going to say?” I said, “Because everyone inside wants to see you we can head inside if you want? Because it’s cold out here that’s why your face is red right?”

She looked away and her face flushed even more as she brought her knees up to her face as if she was trying to hide, “I was going to say.. or I was going to read you my poem.. I feel like it's something I need to do so let's just stay out here for a bit longer.” She said as she grabbed a folded up piece of paper from her dress pocket. I watched as she unfolded it and her hands were shaky. She took a deep breath before speaking again, “I.. I want you to listen to it: 

When you left, I thought I'd be okay 

That I'd move on and find a better way 

But as the days turned into weeks

I realized that I was incomplete

The more you avoided me, the more I realized

That my feelings for you had been disguised

But now that you're so far away

I realize how much I need you every day

I miss the way you made me feel

And the way you made everything real

Sometimes I close my eyes and see you 

And I feel like you're right here with me

But then I open them and realize 

That you're still so far away from me

But distance can't erase my love

Or the memories we've shared together

But even though you're far away

My love for you will always stay

Now that you're gone, I understand 

That I need you here to hold my hand

So if you ever come back to me 

I promise I'II never let you leave

For now I know that you're the one

And I'II love you until my days are done.

Her voice was shaky, “..Haerin you do know what I’m trying to say right?” She choked out, “The reason why he’s mad is because my poem isn’t about him it's about… you, I should’ve realized this a long time ago and I don't know I took so long but.. I—” 

“I love you!” I yelled but quickly moved my hands to cover my mouth. This made her look at me shocked but she quickly smiled and started to laugh. 

“I guess you beat me to it,” She giggled as her eyes closed, “I love you Haerin I’m sorry it took me so long to say it, to say it how I really meant it.” She smiled looking at me. 

“I have my poem too! I can read it I.. no, I need to read it to you!” I don't know why I was yelling but it was making her laugh, “It’s in my pocket too uh wait… which one did I put it in..” I checked my pockets in a panic as she just continued to laugh. I quickly grabbed it unfolding it, “Uh please listen to my poem: 

I've been trying to avoid you for quite some time

Thinking that I could get you out of my mind

But the more I tried to stay away

The more I realized that I want you to stay

I miss your smile, your laugh, your touch

I miss the way you loved me so much

I can't help but think about what could be

If you felt the same way about me

It's funny how absence makes the heart grow fonder

And how the thought of you makes me ponder

About what could be, and what we could have

If only I had the courage to be brave

What would happen if I told you how I feel?

Would you run away, or would it be real?

I don't want to risk our friendship

But these feelings are making me slip

So for now, I'll keep these feelings unspoken

And hope that they won't leave me broken

For you're my best friend, and that's enough

Even though my heart is a little rough

But if the day ever comes when I'm ready

And I feel like I'm steady

I'll tell you how I feel

And hope that it's something real.

I turned to her, “I love you.. I've loved you for a really long time now.. I'm so happy I can tell you.. I'm so happy.” I said my voice was shaky.

“Haerin you’re crying!” She said as she grabbed my face softly. 

“I’m sorry, I'm just so happy.” I said as she wiped my tears. 

“You’re going to make me cry again.” She replied with a soft smile as she grabbed the strands of hair beside my face and put it behind my ear. 

“I’m sorry.. for how I’ve acted. I haven’t been that person for you. I don't deserve your kindness or your love.” I sniffled I must be the luckiest person in the world right now that the person I love doesn't hate me but she also loves me back, “I love you and I never had the courage to tell you instead I was being a coward and hiding these feeling and it sucks that this had to happen for me to tell you but I didn’t want to ruin our friendship.” 

“Haerin you could never ruin our friendship. I love you.” She said as she took my hand. I looked down to her lips which she noticed because her face started to get red again.

“Can I kiss you?” I said my breath hitching from the sudden words that left my mouth. She nodded and closed her eyes as I moved my free hand to her face. I could feel her grip on my hand tighten. I was leaning closer and I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. It felt so loud I wouldn’t be surprised if she was able to hear it too. I quickly looked from her lips to her moles on her left cheek. I gently caressed it with my thumb and kissed them softly. She was warm. I don't even know how long I've wanted to do that.

“Pfftt,” I heard her laugh, “You’re so cute Haerin.” 

I blushed, “Sorry I just.. I’ve been wanting to do that..” 

She smiled as she lifted her hand to my face, “And I’ve been wanting to do this.” She said as she leaned in to kiss me. Our lips connected and it felt so unreal as if I was dreaming. I’ve imagined this so many times before and now it was real it was actually happening. Her lips were soft and warm against mine. She pulled me in closer. She was soft and gentle. She smiled into the kiss and I felt like I was going to melt. It was like nothing else mattered in the world. When we pulled away she quickly kissed me on the nose softly and I smiled her hands still on my face. I put my hand on top of hers, “I love you.” We both said. 

“We should probably get back inside. I am kinda cold.” She said standing up. She lifted her arm to me and I took it as she pulled me up. We’ve been out here for a while now just talking I forgot that we had our friends inside waiting for us. 

“Yeah they’re probably wondering what we're doing.” I said. She lifted her arm to me and I quickly understood what she wanted. I grabbed onto her arm as we finally walked into the gym again. The music was still as loud as ever and the lights were still flashing except on the side of the gym we were at. It was a bit of the calmer side since it had the food.

“They’re probably dancing!” I yelled as she moved her ear closer to me to hear. She nodded as we walked to the other gym where the dance floor was. 

“They’re right there!” She pointed at them and some were dancing and some were talking as they drank and ate the food they waited in line for. We walked over to them and Soobin looked over, giving us a warm smile. 

“Danielle! You look so pretty.” He said as he side hugged her since we were still holding onto each other's arms. 

“Thank you!” She said, smiling back. 

“Danielle!” Hanni yelled from the dance floor as she started walking over to us Minji and Hyein and Beomgyu following, “Your dress looks amazing.” 

“Thank you yours too, you and Minji are so cute with your matching dresses.” She replied. 

“Yeah you guys are cute too.” Hanni said teasingly as she looked over at our arms. This just made Danielle laugh and I blushed. Minji came over while Hanni and Danielle were busy talking. 

“So you guys finally made up and finally told each other how you felt I’m hoping.” Minji said. 

“Yeah we did. I’m very lucky.” I said looking at Minji who was smiling nodding her head. 

“I’m happy for you guys.” She said, nudging me in the arm.

“Thank you.” I could feel the smile on my face. I dont think it’s left since we were outside. She was about to say something else when the DJ started to talk.

“Alright can I have the couples hit the dance floor and don’t leave yet because it’s almost time for the announcement of the winners for homecoming royaltyyy!!” This caused everyone in the gym to let out cheers. 

“Minji come, let's dance!” Hanni said, dragging Minji back on the dance floor with Taehyun and Kai following behind. “At Last” by Etta James started playing.

“Wow, is it homecoming or is it someone’s wedding?” Soobin said jokingly, getting a chuckle from both Yeonjun and Beomgyu. Me and Danielle were just standing there as we watched all the couples dance. I looked over to her and she was smiling. I should probably ask her to dance. 

“Dani do you—”

“Haerin uh hi.” I turned to look over at who interrupted me. It was Liam. 

“Oh hi Liam.” I said confusingly I was kinda upset that he came up to me when I was about to ask Danielle to dance and I haven't even talked to him not since we were 11 so it confused me. I could feel everyone looking at us and both Soobin and Danielle were just staring at him confused. 

“I just wanted to say I'm sorry for what happened when we were kids and.. I think you look really pretty today,” He said I could feel the grip Danielle had on me tighten as her stare felt more intense, “And I was wondering if you would like to dance with me?” 

“Oh I—”

“Sorry she’s already with me.” Danielle said, pulling me even closer to her. I could hear Soobin let out a small laugh over Liam's confused face. 

“Oh my bad?” He replied as Danielle took me to the dance floor, moving him aside. 

“Who does that guy think he is..” Danielle said annoyed. I just smiled as she went in front of me putting her arms on my shoulders, “Are you smiling! Over me being jealous?” She said laughing as I put my arms around her waist.

“No I'm not, I swear.” I said burying my face in her shoulder to hide my smile. 

“Yes you totally are! It’s not funny that dude is a loser. I don't want him near you..” She said, I looked at her and she was smiling too, “I’m so happy right now. I’m happy that I can dance with you.” 

“Me too.” I said and let out a small gasp as she pulled me closer to her. 

“You look very beautiful today Haerin, you always look beautiful.” She said 

“Thank you, I know I said it already but you also look beautiful.” I said I could feel my face getting warm. She hummed softly.   

“I like this song..” She said, The song is almost over. 

“Sing for me?” 

“What?” She said, “I don't know.. I haven’t been singing as much.”

“Pleaseee?” I said. She just shook her head smiling. 

“Fine,” She said and I buried my face in her shoulder again as she moved herself closer to my ear.

“Hurry, the song is about to end.” I said teasingly. She let out a small laugh and I don't think I would’ve been able to hear it if she wasn’t so close to my ear:

You smiled, you smiled 

Oh, and then the spell was cast

And here we are in Heaven

For you are mine at last

She sang so sweetly. It was beautiful, “Beautiful.” I said.

“You’re being dramatic.” She whispered her face getting closer to mine. I knew what she wanted. I kissed her again softly. That’s when we suddenly got jumped by everyone as the music changed back to party music. 

“Sorry Haerin we gotta disrupt you lovebirds but I wanna dance!” Yeonjun yelled, getting a cheer of agreement from Hyein and Beomgyu, “Come here Soobin!” He said laughing. 

“Yeah come over!” Hanni joined, as she and Minji walked over to us with Taehyun and Kai. 

“Yeah!” Danielle said laughing.

“Come.” I said using my hand to motion him over. 

“I’m coming, I'm coming.” He said putting his drink down. We all continued to dance and took more photos together. This time with everyone no one missing. 

“Alright, can we get everyone in the main gym we’re about to announce royalty!” We heard the principal say into the mic. 

“Oh my God! Guys hurry!” Hanni said as we all ran over to the main gym. 

“Can I have all the nominees come over here please.” 

We all watched as everyone who were running stood in line side by side together with the person they were running with. 

“Okay I have the names of the winners right here in my hand!” The principal said, making everyone yell in excitement. 

“I’m kinda nervous.” Soobin said as we watched Hanni and Minji make their way in the line. 

“Nah Minji is very popular and both Hanni and Minji are very loved as a couple by a lot of people they’re fine.” Hyein said with her hands together she was excited. I was too. I already knew they were going to win. I felt Danielle grab my hand in excitement as she smiled at me then looked back at Minji and Hanni. 

“Okay the winners are… Hanni and Minji, Juniors!” The principal yelled, causing everyone to cheer happily.

“Yaay!” Hanni yelled as she kissed Minji, making the smile Minji already had on her face get bigger. Everyone clapped as they put the sashes on them both and got an even louder cheer from Hyein as they gave them their tiaras. 

“Thank you everyone!” Minji yelled out, getting applause from the crowd. We walked over to them to congratulate them.

“I knew you were going to win.” I said, getting a smile from them both.

“Let’s go to In n Out!” Hyein said, getting an excited nod from Hanni. 

We were all at In n Out sitting outside. I didn't feel cold anymore even with my vanilla milkshake. Maybe it was because I was more focused on whatever Yeonjun and Minji were debating about but I was laughing when Beomgyu joined in on their little debate saying something funny. I had my milkshake held on my right but I think I wasn’t cold because I was holding Danielle's hand with my left hand and she was warm. She was always warm. 

It was eleven when everyone decided to head home already and we were all making sure everyone had a ride home. 

“I can take Beomgyu, Taehyun and Kai.” Yeonjun said.

“Yeah I’ll just take these two with me. I mean obviously we’re neighbors.” Soobin said pointing at me and Danielle. 

“Alright, we can take Hyein home.” Minji said. Everyone waved bye to each other as we walked to our cars. Soobin unlocked his car and me and Danielle made our way to the backseat. I missed that we haven’t been together in Soobins backseat. It felt like it had been forever.  

“We’re here.” Soobin said as he pulled up next to my house.

“Thanks.” Danielle said, getting out. She walked closer to my house.

“I'll come in just a second.” I said to Danielle, getting a nod. 

“Is she staying over?” Soobin asked.

“Yeah I think? Thanks for driving us and for everything.” 

“No problem love you cuz see you tomorrow.” He said as I closed the car door. And walked over to my front door and me and Danielle watched as he drove right to his driveway and waved goodbye as he walked into his house. Danielle walked me to my door and before I opened it I turned to look at her. 

“Do you wanna stay over? No one's home so there is no one to bother us. We can do whatever we want.” I said unlocking my door. I opened my door and looked at her again even though it was pretty dark I could still see that her face turned red. It took me a couple seconds to understand why, “Oh I’m sorry I didn’t mean it like that sorry for saying something weird!” I yelled covering my face. I could feel my face getting red too. 

“No Haerin that’s my fault I know you weren’t saying it like that I’m the weird one!” She said as she copied me covering her face also, “Yes I want to stay over..” 

“Cool.” I said trying to sound less nervous as I held the door for her. She stepped inside and looked around, “You act like you’ve never been in here.” I laughed, closing the door behind me.

“It’s been a bit.. it still looks the same.” 

“Yeah it's always looked the same.. Do you want some ice cream? I think we have some in the freezer.” I said turning around but I felt as she grabbed my hand. 

“I just want to go to your room..” She said as tugged me softly towards her. 

“Okay..” I said as I followed her to my room, “Do you want to change first and we can wash our face and I might have an extra toothbrush around here to hold on,” I said as I went to the bathroom looking through the drawer, “Here it is.” I handed her the unopened toothbrush I got from my dentist appointment. 

“Thanks.” She said, grabbing it. We joked around as we washed out faces and brushed our teeth. I led her to my room and closed the door behind us as she sat on my bed. 

“I have some pajamas you can wear. Let me find them,” I looked through my drawer and pulled out some pajama pants with a comfy shirt for her to wear, “Here.” She stood up and grabbed them and quickly started to change out of her dress, “Oh.” I said turning around. 

She laughed, “Haerin you don't have to turn around.” 

“It’s okay just, hurry and change..” I said my back was still facing her. She changed fast.

“Done,” She said and I turned to look at her. She looked cute in the pajamas, “Do you want me to turn around while you change?” She laughed and turned when I nodded. I finished quickly. 

“I’m done.” 

she turned to look at me again, smiling, “Ah actually there was something I wanted to ask you.” She said as she went to sit back down on my bed. 

“What is it?” I said, curious. 

“Um well I was wondering why you came over that weekend.. when I was asleep? My sister was pretty upset and she told me that she kinda went off on you?” 

“Oh that! Um I… I got drunk with Soobin and the rest of the guys and.. I sent a text message but I wasn’t very sober when I sent it and it was really really dumb.. so I went over to delete it but made that dumb switch excuse which obviously wasn’t real and your sister had every right to tell me off I was being an asshole.” I said my face was getting red over that really dumb decision I thought was the right thing to do. 

“What!?” She said laughing, “What did you send? And don’t worry about my sister she doesn’t hate you she was just mad but she really does care for you Haerin.”

“It’s not that funny. I just confessed to you through text because I was drunk and at the time I thought it was a good idea.” 

This just made her laugh even more as she covered her face, falling down on the bed and I felt myself start to smile over her laughing so hard. 

“That’s so funny,” She said wiping her eyes, “But you drunk? I wish I was able to see that.”

“Trust me you don't, I was being dumb.” 

“I don’t know, I think it’ll be fun,” She said sitting back up, “Who is the funnest to be around drunk?” 

“Definitely Yeonjun. Oh and Beomgyu cries and I’m sure Soobin does too but he was probably the one who was the most sober that night.” I said. 

“Yeah I can see Soobin as a crier.” She said. 

“Me too.” I replied, getting a smile from her. I watched as her eyes fell down to my wrist, her smile getting bigger when she saw the bracelet she made me. 

“You were wearing it today? I just noticed.” She said scooting closer to me. 

“Yeah I wanted to, I love it a lot.” I said as she grabbed my hand to look at it better. 

“Yeah I remember making sure I used your favorite colors and I knew that you would like that frog charm.. I remember being so nervous when I gave it to you.” She said looking back up at me. She was making that similar face again the one where she obviously wanted a kiss. I could feel my heart beating as she kept holding onto my hand. 

“It’s getting kinda late.. Come lay down already.” She said. 

“Oh yea I will um..” 

“Haerin.” 

“Yeah?”

“Come here..” She said tugging my arm a bit as she patted down the spot next to her. 

“Let me turn the light off..” I said as she let go of my hand so I could. I turned the light off and quickly found my way next to her. I was still able to see a bit. It was dark but my window was open and the light from the moon and street lights were coming in. I could feel her move closer to me and I tried my best to not look stiff when she put her hand on my face. 

“You’re beautiful.. I’m going to kiss you okay?” She said and I nodded in response.

I close my eyes as she leans in her lips only hovering for a second before I feel them on mine they’re warm like the first time we kissed. We continued to kiss and I finally got into her rhythm, I could feel her smile a bit just for a second as she continued to kiss me. I can’t believe this is happening. What did I do for this to be possible? I've been such a shitty person yet she still smiles sweetly at me yet she loves me. I don’t know when but I started crying causing her to pull away. I can still see the concerned face she had even in the dark.

“Haerin are you okay?” She asked, her voice filled with concern. 

“I’m sorry..I’m just so happy you make me so happy.. I'm so lucky.” I said as I put my finger to her face to caress her cheek making her smile softly. She put her other hand on my face and I hum happily as she cupped my face. I let out a small gasp and closed my eyes as she kissed my tears. She kissed both my eyes then my nose and she caressed my lips with her thumb as she leaned in again to kiss me. I grabbed onto her shoulders for support as she kept one hand on my face and used the other one to move my hair out of the way exposing my neck. 

She moved her kisses to my jaw and I felt myself stiffen as she kissed down to my neck. I could feel her tongue brush against my skin and my grip on her shoulders tightened. I hope I'm not hurting her. She stopped for a second and we were both breathing fast. She quickly kisses my lips again and I gasp and her hands move to my waist softly. My eyes closed tightly and I squeezed them even harder as I felt her tongue enter my mouth. I hear her sigh in content when I return her rhythm with my own tongue. 

“Is this okay?” She whispered. I nodded quickly to reassure her. 

She pulls me closer to her body and I groan at how warm she was. My hands found their way in her hair. I'm probably messing it up but I didn’t really care. I'm sure she doesn’t care either. The position we found ourselves in had caused my legs to fall on either side of her hips. Her hands went from my waist to my stomach as I felt her warm palms caress my abdomen softly making me let out a low whine into her mouth. We finally pulled away and we’re both breathing heavy, her lips swollen and I know that mine are the same.

I didn’t waste time as I moved my head to the crook of her neck kissing her softly. I could smell the scent of her shampoo. I feel like I could do this forever as I listen to the small sounds leaving her mouth as I continue to kiss her neck softly. I heard her let out a quiet whimper as I nipped at her skin softly. She suddenly pushed me down softly with her hands that were on my stomach, my head hitting my pillow and her on top of me her leg was between my thighs. 

I brought my arms around her neck to pull her closer, attaching our lips again as she gently asked for permission to enter my mouth again which I instantly granted for her, both of her arms on either side of my face to support her on top of me. She tilted her head to the side wanting to deepen the kiss and I moaned as one of her hands grabbed onto my waist again as she tried to pull me even closer with her own body. 

It was getting even harder to breathe and I was getting hot but I didn't want to stop. I love kissing her. I loved the sounds that were leaving her lips, the noises we made as we kissed and the way our breath got heavier and faster the more we didn’t stop for air.

She pulled away for air and she moved her lips to quickly peck me on the lips as she went back to my neck. I pushed her head deeper into my neck as I whined as she gently sucked on my skin. I don't know if she was planning on leaving a mark but I guess I can find that out in the morning. I moved my hands to face, leading her back to kiss me on the lips. 

“Your hands are cold.” She giggled as she kissed me but moving back to my neck I could feel her leg moving forward and my breathing was getting faster as I held onto her tightly as if she was going to disappear if I let her go. As she continued to kiss my neck she moved to my ear as she bit it softly. I threw my face into her shoulder to muffle a potentially embarrassing noise that would’ve left my mouth. This caused her to let out a small giggle. She left a quick kiss on my temple before she finally lifted her head to look at me. 

“I’m sorry Haerin. I should stop myself now because if we keep going I don’t think I'll be able to control myself… I think I’m moving too fast.” Danielle said getting off of me. Her face flushed. I'm sure mine was the same. 

“It’s okay..” I whisper trying to catch my breath, sitting up. I’m not going to lie, I was a bit disappointed that she stopped herself. 

Even in the dark the little light outside helped me see her face. We looked at each other but quickly turned the silence into laughter. She came closer to me and pressed her forehead with my own.

“I love you.” She sighed as she grabbed my hand. 

“I love you too.” I replied quickly, reciprocating her desire to hold hands. She yawned and I did the same, causing us to laugh again. 

“I’m tired,” She said softly as she flopped down beside me. I followed by laying my head back down next to her. She was smiling. She opened her arms and I quickly made room in between them as she hugged me, “Goodnight Haerin.” She mumbled kissing my forehead softly before quickly falling asleep. I did not let go of her that whole night.

We were currently half way through our game and we were up by a bit. The other team's coach called a time out and we all met in a circle with Minji and the coach, “You guys are doing really well. Keep hustling and drink some water.” Our coach said and we all nodded. I went to get my water when Minji called both me and Hyein over. 

“You guys are doing so great right now. Keep it up and we’ll definitely win this one.” She said as she grabbed her water bottle. 

I looked over to the bleachers and Danielle and Hanni and Soobin were there with some signs they made for us. It made me smile, “I love basketball.” I said turning to Minji and Hyein. 

“I know you do.” Minji said, patting my back. I really do love basketball especially when Danielle is in the stands watching me play. That's my favorite way to play, her watching. 

“Oh hey good job on your placement in the poetry contest, Danielle told me you guys made it to the top five.” Minji said. 

“Thanks yeah I was surprised but I’m really happy I did it, Ms Kim was really proud of us.” I replied. 

“I’m glad.” Minji said smiling. 

“Alright guys, we're about to start again, get ready.” Our coach said clapping to get our attention. My teammates who were currently playing made their way to the court, me included. I was excited. 

“We’re going to win.” Hyein said as she lifted her hand for a high five which I reciprocated. I looked over one more time to look at Danielle. Her and Hanni were now standing with the signs in the air with a very introverted Soobin sitting down giving me a thumbs up. Making me and Hyein smile and laugh.  

It was Friday November 1st the day we won that game and whenever I look at her and see her smile so softly at me It reminds me of how I had won the heart of the person I cherished the most.