Chapter Text
Gyuvin will not admit this to anyone, but he knew about Kim Jiwoong months before Boys Planet began. He’d found Kissable Lips on a BL recommendation TikTok and sobbed for a solid half hour after the finale. He’d devoured Roommates of Poongduck 304 with gusto and quickly shelved it as a new comfort show. He’d followed both Jiwoong and Seobin on his secret Instagram and spent hours scrolling through their feeds, watching the two look happy together. Gyuvin can’t explain how good it felt to watch those two be so close, and to allow himself to wonder if maybe he could have that too.
Seeing Jiwoong on the audition stage has Gyuvin even more panicked than he usually is. He’s terrified of showing that he recognizes Jiwoong or of hearing Jiwoong disavow his BL shows and co-star as moments of weakness and desperation. Gyuvin knows that many BL actors are entirely surface level with their support. He’s followed and unfollowed quite a few after their contracts ended and they were free to talk about just how much they hated kissing another man. But Gyuvin doesn’t think he could handle it if Jiwoong was like that too.
Jiwoong smashes Gyuvin’s low expectations and proudly proclaims himself a BL actor. He goes as far as to almost kiss Jongwoo on camera in a move that Gyuvin is sure made Seobin jealous (Yes, he ships the two of them. Sue him, he’s a hopeless romantic). He’s giddy at the realization that one of his favorite BL actors is, at the very least, a strong ally. Finally, someone Gyuvin can look up to. Maybe even someone he can confide in. He loves his Yuehua boys, but Gyuvin has learned that he cannot take chances with who he trusts. Even with family. So he keeps his expression neutral, oohing and ahh-ing with the rest of the boys as he starts to think of ways to get close to Jiwoong.
.
Gyuvin has to put getting to know Jiwoong on hold until an entire elimination round later, when the two are paired on the Love Killa team. Working together breaks the sort of mysticism that Jiwoong had existed in. He’s loud and goofy and caring, and makes time to ensure that his friends and teammates are taken care of. Gyuvin feels a little embarrassed, placing Jiwoong on some pedestal while he was just like all the other trainees down in the Boys Planet dorms. Thankfully Jiwoong takes his awkwardness in stride and quickly proclaims Gyuvin to be another one of his pseudo-children.
The night before the Love Killa performance, Gyuvin shoves himself into a hidden corner of the laundry room and curls into the smallest ball he can. It’s been a long week and he just needs a good off-camera cry. The stress of a sexier concept and the constant filming and the feelings that Gyuvin had thought he could ignore during Boys Planet has had him teetering on the edge. He sits silently for a few minutes before tears finally begin to drip down his face. This quickly devolves into full blown sobbing and soon Gyuvin is muffling his cries into his knees.
“Gyuvin? Is that you?” Gyuvin’s head whips up to see Jiwoong peering around the wall of dryers. “What are you doing back there?” Jiwoong settles his laundry basket on the floor and drops down in front of Gyuvin. He sniffles and scrubs at his face with his hoodie sleeves.
“Just have a lot on my mind and wanted a private place to cry. Don’t worry about it hyung, I’ll be fine.”
“Anything you want to talk about with hyung? Anything at all Gyuvinnie?”
Gyuvin sniffs. “Are you sure hyung? You have a lot on your plate, I don’t wanna add to that. . . “
“Of course I’m sure, I wouldn’t offer otherwise. Now tell hyung what’s wrong.”
Gyuvin takes a shaky breath, exhaling slowly. He turns his eyes to the ground. “It’s a lot of things, really. Like, I’m not used to the Love Killa concept. I’m new to the whole being sexy thing so I’m learning and working through that discomfort. We’re always on camera and sometimes I’ll forget and then I’ll look up and be pulled back into reality and panic about what I just did and if it’ll be edited wrong and I’ll look horrible or something. And I-“ He pauses. Jiwoong nudges Gyuvin’s foot and he raises his head to meet Jiwoong’s eyes. Jiwoong tilts his head, waiting for Gyuvin to continue. “Is the door closed?” Gyuvin whispers.
“It’s closed and locked. No one can walk in.”
“Okay good.” Gyuvin huffs out an anxious breath and squares his shoulders. “Hyung. I like someone. And I thought I could just not think about it during Boys Planet but that’s not happening and it’s just constantly on my mind because,” Gyuvin heaves in a breath. “I’m gay. I’m gay and the person I like is here on Boys Planet but they’ll never like me back and no one knows I’m queer, they can’t know, so there isn’t anyone I can talk to and I’m just so tired and scared.” Gyuvin is sobbing now, voice breaking as tears blur his vision. There’s a beat of silence before Jiwoong is pulling Gyuvin into his arms. He goes willingly, collapsing into Jiwoong’s chest. Jiwoong smoothes his hand through Gyuvin’s hair and tucks his head into his neck.
“It’s okay Gyuvinnie, just let it out.” Gyuvin cries even harder at that. “I’ve got you, okay? I understand you baby, I really do. And I love you Gyuvinnie. Promise.”
Jiwoong holds Gyuvin until the tear tracks are dry and his eyes are drooping closed. He leads them through their nighttime routines, washing their faces and locating Gyuvin’s pajamas before tucking Gyuvin in and shutting off the light. Jiwoong climbs into the bed behind Gyuvin and slings an arm over his waist. He buries his face in Gyuvin’s hair and the two settle in to sleep.
.
Gyuvin wakes up to go to the bathroom at 2:30 AM and comes back to see Jiwoong sitting up in bed. He holds his arms out and Gyuvin falls back into them, burrowing into the embrace. Jiwoong’s roommates are sleeping peacefully int their beds, the camera lens is shut, and the microphone has been switched off. Jiwoong presses a kiss to his head and runs his hand down Gyuvin’s back.
“It’s Ricky.” Gyuvin whispers into the darkness. Jiwoong’s hand pauses. Another kiss is pressed to Gyuvin’s head, and another. “I’ve liked Ricky Shen for two years and I don’t know what to do anymore.”