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Dazai woke up blearily, wincing as the early morning sun shone into his eyes. He groaned and rolled over, knocking over empty bottles of sake as he went. He stared blankly at the wall, the ever present emptiness In his chest more prominent and demanding of his attention, sucking what little motivation he had into its ever hungry abyss. He didn’t know how long he laid there for, but he didn’t get up until his alarm went off at 11 AM.
Sighing, He sat up and stretched, yawning loudly and wanting nothing more than to fall back onto his futon and pretend he didn’t exist for a few more hours. Making sure to turn off his alarm, lest it go off again, Dazai stood and slowly made his way into his bathroom, almost tripping over empty bottles of alcohol and pills in his wake. He scowled as he looked at the mess his dorm was in, absently making a mental note to clean up before It started to smell. He didn't need any of the others smelling it and asking questions he didn't want to answer.
Finally in his bathroom, Dazai looked down at his toothbrush. He knew he needed to brush his teeth, but it felt like such a daunting task all of a sudden. Looking at his reflection in the mirror, Dazai winced at his ugly appearance. His hair was greasy and looked like a rat's nest, and he had large bags under his eyes showing off his shitty sleeping habits for the world to see. He opened the cabinet, unable to stand looking at his face anymore, and instead looked through the large assortment of drugs and medications he had. He needed a fix, or else he wasn’t going to be able to make it through the day without trouble.
He grabbed a baggy filled with pills, dumping 3 into his hand and downing them dry. It didn’t take long for the meth to hit him, the High waking him up and making him relax. With his newfound energy, Dazai quickly worked through his morning routine, brushing his teeth, applying his makeup to hide the bags under his eyes, applying new bandages along his body, brushing his unruly hair, and getting dressed in his usual attire. He eyed the bag with his meth in it, internally debating on if he wanted to bring some with him or not. His resistance to drugs made it very likely his high would wear off before he finished work, and he’d rather not have his co-workers watch him come down from a high. Sighing, he stuffed the bag in his pocket and left his dorm, quickly making his way to the agency.
The walk wasn’t a long one, and he was already incredibly late and he could feel his phone blowing up with angry texts from Kunikida, but he couldn’t stop himself from stopping and staring at the river. The water called to him, and it almost felt like it was whispering sweet nothings to him, promises of peace and rest and safety that he didn’t feel he deserved and yet craved nonetheless. He could hear his heartbeat in his ears, erratic as it was and his breathing picking up. He was suddenly uncomfortably aware of himself, feeling as his bandages pressed into the scars and injuries that decorated his once pristine skin. The sound of the water filled his ears, and just as he was about to start walking to the river to toss himself into it's depths in hope of that sweet oblivion he craved, someone bumped into him and he returned to himself.
“Ah! Sorry Sir!” The stranger quickly walked off after their hasty apology and Dazai shook his head, turning away from the river's siren call and continuing his way to the agency. Not even 5 minutes later, Dazai plastered on his best fake smile, eyes upturned as he threw open the agency door with a dramatic call of “I HAVE ARRIVED ~!”
“Dazai! You are 3 hours LATE! YOU PATHETIC WASTE OF BANDAGES!” Kunikida raged, glaring at Dazai from across the room. The brunette ignored the pain he could feel in his heart at the insult, not understanding why it was bothering him now all of a sudden when It never had before. Instead of opening that can of worms, Dazai laughed brightly and made his way to his desk, flopping over in his chair and wiggling his fingers at Kunikida.
“Reeellaaaaaax Kunikida-kuuuun~! I’m here arn’t I~?” Kunikida only scoffed at him and turned back to his own work. “You better get some of your damn work done Dazai! And don’t even think of pushing it onto Atsushi! That kid has his own work to deal with!”
Dazai made a dramatic show of groaning and sinking further into his chair, acting as if doing his assigned paperwork would kill him and he’d turn to dust right then and there. He did his best to stop his hands from shaking as he pulled a document towards himself. He managed well enough for about an hour before he began to feel a burning itch in his arms. He tried not to scratch, he truly did, but It was getting harder and harder the longer he Ignored it. He sighed in relief when it was time for the agency to break for lunch.
“Dazai-san! Would you like to join me and Kyouka-chan in the cafe?” Atsushi asked, eyes scanning Dazai with a thin veil of worry. Dazai smiled, attempting to placate his pupils' worries and waving a hand. “Ah, fraid not Atsushi-kun~! I have prior commitments~ Specifically with a beautiful river~”
“Ah, I see... Alright then! See you after lunch then Dazai-san!” Atsushi rolled his eyes fondly with a smile, pushing the inkling of worry from his mind and deciding to ignore the strange scent he had smelled from his mentor. Bowing quickly as he left, Atsushi turned and called after Kyouka as he walked out the door. Dazai sighed, standing and making his way up to the agency’s roof, doing his best to ignore the voice whispering in the back of his mind that he was being a horrible friend to his colleagues. Selfish. He was being so selfish right now, getting high because he can’t handle his own emotions, sneaking away to the rooftop to smoke and pushing them all away. Selfish. Monster. Inhuman.
Dazai breathed in deeply as he arrived on the rooftop, the fresh air silencing his mind for a brief moment, allowing Dazai to catch his breath and recollect himself from his mind's onslaught. Trembling hands reached into his pocket and he pulled out a pack of cigarettes, lightning one easily and taking a deep breath and sighing as the nicotine filled his lungs.
He stared down blankly at his trembling arms, the void in his chest growing stronger as the urge to hurt grew stronger. He wanted to hurt, to cut, to bleed, to die. Walking over to a hidden part of the roof, Dazai pulled out a blade that he had stashed here ages ago. He quickly tore off the bandages on his arm, or at least as quickly as his shaking limbs would allow.
He slid to the ground, back to the wall as he shakily brought the blade down onto his skin, slicing one, two, three times before he briefly stopped to watch the blood seep from the cuts and onto the pavement below. He could barely feel the pain from the injuries, his mind loud as it screamed at him to cut and hurt and burn more. Dull eyes watched transfixed as crimson liquid slid down and made a mess of his arm. Quickly however, that crimson suddenly became black to his eyes and Dazai scowled, bringing the blade down on his arm again and cutting 5 more lines into it, each accompanied by an insult. “Ugly. Filthy. Horrible. Emotionless. Inhuman Monster. ”
He didn’t know how long he had been up here anymore. He felt numb- so very numb. His senses were dulled, and he felt like he could hear the knife clatter to the ground beside him, but it sounded so far away that he could no longer tell. He felt as if was floating, staring up at the blue sky, When suddenly, the pain washed over him all at once. Breaking the calm he had felt and making him gasp and choke on air. He curled into himself, hissing in pain as he realized he may have gone overboard with the knife. He couldn’t go back down to the agency like this, He couldn’t let them see him like this- being this pathetic.
Digging through his pocket, Dazai pulled out his phone and unlocked it, scrolling through his contacts. His thumb hovered over the call button for Chuuya, and he choked up on fear and doubt. Would the ginger even pick up? It had been over 4 years since he had last needed to rely on Chuuya, and sure- Chuuya had promised him when they were young that he would always come if Dazai called but that was before he had betrayed the mafia, betrayed Chuuya, betrayed everything he had ever known and ever been good at- for this poor attempt at being ‘good’ and ‘righteous’ .
He pressed the call button, bringing it up to his ear shakily as a small whimper escaped him at jostling his injured arm. He still hasn't stopped bleeding- Had he cut too deep? Did he hit a main artery vein? Was he going to bleed out here, on this rooftop, on the phone with Chuuya and his colleague’s none the wiser? Was he finally going to get the rest he craved?
“Shitty Dazai?” Chuuya’s voice rang out in his ear and Dazai choked back a sob, tears prickling the edges of his vision. Dammit- why was he crying? This is what he wanted, wasn’t it? To finally die and rest? “Chuuya…”
Dazai could hear shuffling on the other end of the line, Likely Chuuya standing up from his chair. “Dazai- Osamu what’s wrong? What happened? ”
Osamu… God, when was the last time anyone had called him by his name? He doesn’t remember. “I uh… M-May have gone bit o’erboard… Gency roof…”
He felt dizzy. Was it just him or was the sky spinning? Was his speech slurring? That was odd, he didn’t usually slur his speech even when drunk. He heard a curse from his phone, and he remembered he was on a call with Chuuya right now. “I’ll be there in 5 minutes- stay on the line with me Osamu. Don’t fall asleep, alright? Keep talking to me”
Dazai could hear the sound of an engine starting over the phone. Chuuya was coming…? For him? Even after everything he had done? Tears streamed down the brunette’s face silently, and he choked up as he tried to speak “‘m sory… Never wanted to leave you… ‘m sorry Chuu…”
“It’s okay, Osamu, I forgave you a long time ago, so just hold on for me alright? Stay with me. I’m almost there baby.” Fuzzyness began to cloud over Dazai’s mind, and he was finding it incredibly hard to not pass out. He had to stay awake though! For Chuuya! He owed the other that much. He could do it, he could stay awake for Chuuya.
“Feel fuzzy an dizzy Chuu…” He mumbled, breathing labored and heart rate spiking erratically. He could hear Chuuya talking to him again, but his brain was too fuzzy to make anything out. His phone slipped from his hand and clattered to the ground, his arm falling into his lap as he sat there.
Distantly, he thought he could hear an engine that sounded vaguely like Chuuya’s motorcycle, but that couldn’t be right. Chuuya was at the Mafia headquarters. He couldn’t possibly be hearing right.
“OSAMU!” Chuuya’s voice called his name and suddenly the ginger was in front of him, red glow vanishing as he pulled Dazai into his arms, pulling him up into a bridal carry. Dazai did his best to cling to the other, but his limb felt like lead and his vision was rapidly blackening at the edges and he felt faint.
Chuuya ran down the agency steps, kicking open the door to the office with frantic movements. The agency looked up collectively, a yell on Kunikida’s tongue before it died in his throat at the sight of Dazai in Chuuya’s arms. “Nakahara! What the fuck happened to Dazai!? Yosano!”
Yosano came out of her office and cursed, ushering Chuuya into the infirmary and having him place Dazai on a bed as she quickly got to work. “Do you know if he’s on anything? What happened?”
Chuuya scowled, searching Dazai’s pockets and pulling out the meth. “He’s high on meth, fucking- He told me he quit. He promised me he quit! ”
Yosano grimaced and nodded, ushering Chuuya back out of the room so she could work. “I’ll let you in once I’m done, okay? Don’t go anywhere Nakahara!”
Chuuya cursed and tugged at his hair in worry, pacing the office. Kunikida put a hand on Chuuya’s shoulder, earning himself a glare “What!?”
“What happened, Nakahara?” Kunikida tried to keep his voice level and calm, worry etched into his features as he eyed the infirmary door. Chuuya scowled and shrugged off Kunikida’s hand, turning to face the blond properly and glaring at him with hateful eyes.
“What happened!? What happened!? WHAT HAPPENED IS THAT HE TRIED TO KILL HIMSELF YOU FUCKING IDIOT! ” A red glow surrounded Chuuya and the floor began to creak under him. The Agency eyed him warily, and Kunikida looked ready to grab his notebook incase of a fight. “For detectives you’re all pretty fucking dense arn’t you!? He has obvious tells when he’s in a state like this- Did none of you fucking notice!? Or did you just not care!?”
Kunikida looked ready to argue, a rebuttal on his lips before Atsushi cut in. “He did seem off today… He was shaking earlier when he was doing his work, and he seemed less upbeat than usual- I could also smell something on him but I couldn’t pinpoint what it was… I’m sorry, Chuuya-san…”
Chuuya took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down as he deactivated his ability. He turned to Atsushi, putting a comforting hand on the boy’s shoulder. “It’s not your fault. Out of everyone here, you and Kyouka have known him for the least amount of time- the fact you noticed something at all despite this shows good observational skills kid- and what you were smelling on him was meth. He was high. That’s probably also why he was shaking.”
Atsushi’s eyes widened and he covered his mouth in shock “M-Meth-? L-Like crystal meth!? The drug!?”
Chuuya grimaced and nodded, looking away. He could see that Kunikida was also shocked at this revelation, and even Ranpo had opened his eyes in surprise. “He had a big addiction to it when he was still in the Pm, but I got him to quit when we were 17- or at least I thought I did… He must have relapsed sometime after he left…”
Chuuya walked over to one of the couches and collapsed onto it, burying his face in his hands. “He called me… Even after 4 years apart he still called me after doing this…”
Chuuya was just talking to himself at this point, but the whole Agency could hear him. Ranpo narrowed his eyes, looking as if he was trying to solve a particular puzzle. Suddenly, a light bulb went off in his head “The roof… He was on the roof wasn’t he? I know he goes up there to smoke sometimes.”
Chuuya nodded tiredly, and Kunikida turned to Ranpo, looking angry. “He smokes!? You knew he smoked and you didn’t tell us!?”
Ranpo looked away. “Smoking cigarettes is the healthiest of his coping mechanisms, at least the ones I knew about. Should go take a look in his dorm. You won’t like what you find.”
Chuuya had a very good idea as to what they would find in there, and he had no need to go check for himself. So, as Kunikida rounded up Atsushi, Kyouka, and Tanizaki to raid Dazai’s dorm room, Chuuya sat and waited. He briefly remembered to send a text off to Mori and Koyou, letting them know he was going to be gone for a while and that he didn’t know when he would come back and that something had happened to Dazai. Mentioning Dazai seemed to be all the explanation they needed, and they wished him luck.
It’s been years since he had seen Dazai have an episode this bad- not since they were 16 and they had just decimated an entire enemy organization. He knew Dazai still wasn’t doing the greatest, but when he had seen him with the agency he had seemed much happier then he had ever been in the mafia and he had hoped- prayed even, that Dazai would get better with time. It seems now though the other may not get that chance. The puddle that had been pooling around Dazai had been large, and he knows that much blood loss is dangerous. If Yosano is unable to stop the bleeding, or get enough blood into him in time then Dazai would…
He shook his head. He refused to consider it. Dazai was like a cockroach, he always lived no matter how many times he attempted. He would survive this too. He had to- Because he didn’t know what he would do if Dazai- if his other half died.
Reaching Dazai's apartment, Kunikida unlocked the door and strode in. Atsushi gasped and covered his nose as the overpowering smell of alcohol reached him, eyes turning teary. Tanizaki looked as if he was going to be sick as they looked at the poor state of the place.
Kunikida scowled, arms crossed. Worry was etched clearly on his face. "God... this place is a mess of pills and Alcohol... Let's look around, see if we can find anything that may help Yosano."
Kunikida walked off to the kitchen, intent on looking over the meagre amount of food Dazai owned. Tanizaki took the living room, pulling gloves onto his hands and throwing out all the trash with a green face. Kyouka made her way towards the bedroom, so Atsushi was left with the bathroom.
Walking in, the first thing the were tiger noticed was all the different pill bottles. He doesn't know where Dazai got these from, since he definitely didn't have prescriptions for them, and honestly he didn't even want to know.
Looking past that, Atsushi rummaged through the drawers. A large assortment of razer blades was under the sink, next to a massive collection of bandages and Atsushi felt his heart ache in pain. Dazai was in so much pain and they hadn't even noticed... Sure he had thought the constant mentions of suicide was concerning but everyone had acted as if it was normal- a simple joke. He wished he had listened to his gut and done something. He doesn't know what he would have done exactly- but anything had to have been better then the nothing he had done.
"Atsushi." Kyouka called for him, so he turned and left the bathroom, instead turning into the bedroom. Kyouka was holding a picture in her hand, and she held it out to Atsushi. Confused, Atsushi took a look at it. Dazai was in the center, smiling so genuinely that it nearly took Atsushi's breathe away. To Dazai's right was Ango- He remembered vaguely now, Ango was the one who wiped Dazai's criminal record and helped him start over. It was the last person, on Dazai's left that Atsushi didn't recognize. Turning it over, Atsushi found the mystery man's name and understanding dawned on him.
"Oda Sakunosuke..." So this was the man the grave belonged to. Dazai's precious person. Judging from how close this picture made them look, This man's death must have taken a toll on his mentor.
"This was on top of it." Kyouka held up a pistol and Atsushi felt tears well up in his eyes. Dazai missed this man so much, that he would die to see him again. Atsushi couldn't understand that... maybe because he had not truly lost anyone that close to him. Would he feel like his mentor too if Kyouka were to die? He doesn't want to know the answer.
"We should leave... this isn't right." Atsushi murmured. Nodding her agreement, Kyouka grabbed his hand and they left silently. Neither of them could stand being there anymore- in a place that smelt of so much depression and grief.
Chuuya doesn’t know how long he sat there for. Minutes? Hours? It didn’t matter- all that mattered was that when Yosano opened the door and looked at him, he searched for any good news he could find. He hated the look of pity and grief on her face. “He’s… He’s alive but he’s lost a lot of blood, and the medications aren't having much of an effect on him. He’ll be lucky to make it through the night, but if he does then the chances of survival go up.”
Chuuya choked up, clenching his fists at his sides as he fought back the urge to rage and scream and break something. This wasn’t Yosano’s fault, she did her best. It was up to Dazai to pull through now. “Can… Can I stay with him?”
Yosano nodded and motioned him in. He was at Dazai’s side in moments and he could have cried at the sight before him. There was an oxygen mask on Dazai’s face, and he was deathly pale. His heart was beating slowly, slower than it should be. Bandages wound tightly around his arms, and Chuuya’s heart ached at the sight of it all. Dazai looked so small in that bed, hooked up to machines and like he was already dead.
Yosano closed the door behind her, leaving the two alone. Chuuya grasped Dazai’s hand, squeezing it tightly as he rested his forehead against the cold hand. “Please Osamu… Please don’t leave me here… I can’t do this without you.”
“I don… wanna leave… you behind again, Chibi…” Chuuya’s head snapped up and he looked at Dazai, who’s eyes were half lidded but he was awake. Chuuya felt tears well up in his eyes but he pushed them back. “You Idiot…! You have to stay alive okay!? I can’t live without you!”
Dazai gave a tired smile, exhaustion seeping from his entire body. He could feel himself slipping, and no matter how much he wanted to stay with Chuuya, he couldn’t fight the pull, couldn’t fight the call to return to the sweet abyss that was death. “‘M sorry Chuu… I’ve tried so hard… to stay… to be happy here… But… I’m so tired Chuuya… I want to rest finally… ”
Chuuya sobbed, tears spilling from his eyes and he held onto Dazai tighter, face pleading. “I can’t do this without you Osamu… You are my other half, I cannot be happy if you aren't here with me…! Am I not enough of a reason to stay for you!?”
Chuuya’s voice was filled with anger and pain and grief, and Dazai felt guilt eat away at him. He tried to give Chuuya’s hand a reassuring squeeze, but he could barely move his hand. “‘M sorry… I love you… I wanna stay… for you… but the call is too strong… ‘m not strong nough…”
His heart constricted painfully in his chest and understanding smacked him in the face. Sighing shakily, Chuuya nodded in understanding. He leaned up and pressed a kiss to Dazai’s forehead before resting their foreheads together in a tender show of affection. “It’s okay… You can let go, Osamu… I’ll just have to join you soon after…”
Dazai looked as shocked as he could in his state, silent tears falling from his eyes. “You mean it…? Can we… Do it together…?”
Chuuya smiled and nodded. He used his very rudimentary knowledge of medicine to prepare the lethal dose of morphine for them both, making sure it was enough for Dazai despite his higher tolerance for it. He prepped the I’V in his arm, laying on the bed with Dazai. They curled into each other, tears staining their cheeks. He held the syringes of Morphine in his hands.
“Will it hurt…?” Dazai asked quietly, voice small and slightly scared. Chuuya hummed and shook his head. “No. It will be like going to sleep. Peaceful.” Dazai smiled sleepily, his breathing shallow. “I like the sound of that…”
“Ready…? On the count of 3” Chuuya murmured, ready. “1… 2… 3… ” Chuuya pushed down on the syringes, watching as it flowed into their blood. Dazai sighed as the pain faded away swiftly. “I love you, Chuuya…”
“Love you too, Osamu…”
Their eyes slipped closed, and the heart monitor attached to Dazai slowed to a stop, flatlining. Yosano came back in quickly, looking panicked. She stopped as she saw both their forms on the bed and had to stifle a sob as she realized what they had decided to do.
“Rest well, both of you… We’ll miss you” Yosano’s voice shook and she got to work unattaching the machines from them, hands shaking as she went. Once she had pulled the blanket over them both, hiding their faces from her eyes, she collapsed to the floor and sobbed.
Why did this have to happen? Why did everyone she care about have to commit suicide? It felt like she was cursed. She truly was an Angel of death wasn't she...? What a cruel joke.
She doesn’t know how long she sat there and cried, but eventually she pulled herself together enough to stand up and prepare to have the two's bodies moved to a morgue. If she waited to long they would decay and she didn't want that to happen. Once that was sorted, she went home on shaky legs and got ready to call the others to break the news. This truly was the worst part of being a doctor.
It took a little while, but eventually she had all the relevant people in a call. The entire agency was here, along with Mori, Akutagawa, and Koyou.
“Yosano-kun? What happened?” Mori’s voice was unusually kind as he spoke, likely because he already knows the news she’s about to tell. Despite her feelings on him, she appreciated it now.
“Where is Chuuya?” Koyou asked, worry etched into her voice and Yosano cringed, hating that she had to deliver 2 sets of bad news instead of just 1.
“I’m sorry everyone…” She murmured and already she could hear the sharp inhales and choked tears as people clued into what she had to say.
“Chuuya injected both himself and Dazai with a lethal dose of morphine… They’re gone.”
Sobs and denials sounded out as everyone broke down in one way or another. Everyone’s heart could now feel the loss of Soukoku, and Yosano doesn’t know if everyone will recover from it. All she knows is that she has a funeral to plan. She owed her brother and his lover that much.
She stood and left the call, making her way to her office to start on that. She needed a distraction and she couldn't listen to the others cry. It was simply too much. She wishes she had tried harder, done something more for them. Shaking her head, she took in a shaky breathe and ignored the tears steaming down her cheeks. She cannot dwell on what ifs, that would only make her feel worse. Best to just focus on what she could do, and right now that meant setting up a funeral.