Work Text:
Today I will wear my white button down
I’m tired of wanting more
I think I’m finally worn.
Ocean stood facing away from the others, almost finishing her speech. Tears filled her eyes, one of the few bodily functions that remained unchanged by the limbo. They stung like rose thorns, a stark reminder of the choice she was about to make, the sacrifice, the forfeit of her own life. She’d wanted so desperately to live but to go back would be to face the fact she would be even more alone than she was before. To go back meant she would live with the knowledge that she chose herself over the girl with nothing.
All her life she’d always wanted more. More than her own stinking parents, her own goddamn ghost town, her own school, her friends. She’d wanted more than her heart could take, just to make herself look bigger, and the sad thing was, it never paid off. Endless hours of studying, pouring her soul into her extracurriculars, missing parties, gatherings, all in the name of her future. She’d done it all to get out of Uranium but it was all for nothing and she was tired of it. Even in life.
For you have a way of promising things
And I’ve been a forest fire
Karnak had told all of them that the vote was unanimous. That was fair. Ever since Ocean was young, she’d known that all competitions were supposed to be fair. And for a while, it was. Everyone got an equal shot at presenting their case as to why they should live, but as the competition went on, it became more and more clear to Ocean that she was the only one who truly wanted to live.
She was the only who hadn’t accepted their death and it wasn’t until Constance’s song that it truly clicked for her. She wasn’t only competing against herself in death, but in life too. She had promised herself a fulfilling life if she won, but what kind of competition would it be if no-one else was competing? She was getting cocky at beating everyone in a game that no-one else was playing, and all it did was hurt them. She’d burnt all her bridges except it left her with no paths to take.
She’d been so wrapped up in the game she called life that she’d forgotten it wasn’t a game. Too bad for her, she’d burned it all down and it was too late to save it.
Karnak had lied and it was up to her to make the final vote. And it wasn’t fair.
I am a forest fire
And I am the fire and I am the forest
And I am the witness watching it
I stand in the valley watching it
And you are not there at all.
Ocean made her decision. It was the easiest and hardest decision she’d ever made. She couldn’t look her in the eyes. The shame was too much to bear. All the hurt she’d caused on her conquest to be the best. To the people she’d considered her friends, to Constance, her best friends, she’d never truly known them. Was she really so blind to never see the life behind their eyes, the meaning behind their words and actions? It was downright embarrassing, and plainly just a shame.
She was the fire wallowing through, she burned them all, draining them of life. She’d poisoned her relationship with each and every one of them and only then could she stand and watch the damage as it flamed onwards. It wasn’t only them she had burnt. She had sabotaged herself and she had been for a long time. Being unaccepting of help and refusal of any assistance with few exceptions. She was making herself miserable but denied any negative emotions at all. What kind of life was that?
So what if many of her actions were good, all the times the outcome turned out right. If her school motion for gender-neutral bathrooms or ramps for wheelchairs were passed, the time she overheard the girl crying in the bathroom over a bully and in turn got the bully suspended, did it matter if her intentions were tainted? Was the good action outweighed if half the reason she did it was to make herself a good person? She wanted to help, she wanted to be a good person, but good people didn’t need to prove it, they just did it anyway.
And so she stood and watched as her life faded into ashes, and Jane stepped into the light, into the other side.
Penny Lamb. Another person she wished she got to know. But she was out there, like she deserved to be.
So today I will wear my white button down
I can at least be neat
Walk out and be seen as clean
Voting for Jane was the only chance for atonement she could have in her short time in the warehouse. As much as she wished to, she could not undo the past, but voting for Penny proved she was capable of change, that she could see what she did. It gave her a chance to accept her fate and put her soul to rest. All of them.
Noel, finally expressed his inner desire to live tragically, to experience all that the small town did not offer, realised that his life was tragic in its own way. Ricky shared his fantasies, and the message that they should’ve listened to him in life, and conceding because voting for himself would be a horrible move. Mischa, wanting to go back for his love but realising that just because he died, doesn’t mean his love won’t live on for her. And Constance, knowing that there was nothing wrong with who she was, and being grateful for her life and everything in it.
Once it was over, Ocean knew that what she did was good, but she didn’t brag. She didn’t ramble on and on about what a terrific deed it was, no. Instead she kept it to herself. She didn’t need to ruin the blank slate death gave her. She didn’t need to smear her soul anymore than she already had. She was finally clean and her mind at ease, eager for the future despite having no clue about what was to come. That was a part of the fun, no?
And I’ll go to work and I’ll go to sleep
And I’ll love the littler things
She’d finally accepted her death, and in doing so, accepted that everything she’d done was still worth something despite her life ending early. She used to see all her studies and other achievements as nothing more than stepping stones to the one big accomplishment, rather than single, smaller accomplishments. No-one was measuring but herself and what was the point of that?
Only in death had she realised that living was a gift, and she no-longer believed that she’d wasted it, no. She’d just learnt how to appreciate the little things she had. As she faded out of consciousness and into the black, she didn’t know what was next. She was okay with that.
For the first and last time, Ocean smiled a real smile.
I’ll love some littler things.