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How do you treat injuries on a man who won't let you touch him? Who recoils in fear at the slightest brush of someone else against him?
That was exactly the kind of problem Jesper was faced with when he found Kaz, injured, bleeding and fully in the clutches of a panic attack, up in his chambers above the Crow Club.
The thief stood in the middle of the room, breathing hard, and bleeding quite profusely from a wound to the front of his right shoulder. Even the black coat and black gloves could not hide the amount of blood already staining Kaz's clothes and hands.
"What happened?" Jesper eyed his boss in worry.
"Stabbed." The answer was strained and produced with much difficulty.
Jesper immediately understood everything about this situation. A stabbing rarely occurred without any kind of physical contact, and therefore not only wounding Kaz's flesh, but also wounding him mentally.
Jesper knew he was in for a challenge now. It was quite easily determined that Kaz's wound could not be left untreated, but exactly how he would get Kaz to let him do that, was a completely mystery still to Jesper.
"Boss, you need to let me have a look at that." Jesper forced himself to remain calm and not mirror Kaz's panic.
Kaz still stood in the middle of the room, his eyes pressed tightly shut, and doing his utter best to not completely lose control over himself. But even Jesper could see it was a losing battle.
"Don't," Kaz growled under his breath. He swayed ominously on his feet, only held upright by the support of his trusted cane. The swift hand gesture was aimed at Jesper to keep his distance.
But Jesper wasn't letting this go. Either the blood loos or the panic attack would take Kaz out soon enough, but he would rather not stand by and wait until either of those sent Kaz crashing to the floor.
"Kaz, please," Jesper pleaded. All to no avail, although he hadn't really expected it to work.
Jesper took a tentative step closer, and immediately wished he hadn't. Kaz reacted as if someone had already laid hands on him, and fled stumbling away across the room, coming to a stop only when the wall prevented him from going any further. There he stood, trembling and taking heaving breaths.
Jesper realised he was further away than ever from Kaz letting him come closer and have a look at that wound.
"Boss..." He tried one last time. A plan took shape in his mind, but it was an evil one, and Jesper would hold off on putting that into motion for as long as he could. But so far Kaz wasn't leaving him much choice. This panic attack was the worst Kaz had had in a while, and probably for the first time ever, Jesper didn't know what to say or do to get Kaz to regain control over himself again.
"I said... d--don't..." Kaz growled through clenched jaws.
He stood with his back turned to Jesper, both hands spread out wide against the wall to steady himself. Blood dripped from his clothes onto the floor now, and every muscle in his body either trembled or was tensed up to the max.
It was now or never, that much Jesper knew. He had no idea if his plan was going to work, but he had to try something. For Kaz's sake.
Kaz would probably hate him for eternity for what he was about to do, but Jesper was willing to take that risk. A mad Kaz was always better than a dead Kaz.
Jesper reluctantly tore his eyes off his boss, and instead focused on the canteen of clear liquid sitting on the corner of Kaz's desk. The average visitor would assume it to be a bottle of liquor, but Jesper knew better. He had only seen it used once, by Inej. A few drops of that stuff on a handkerchief pressed over some guy's nose and mouth, and it was lights out for a few hours. Jesper wasn't quite sure what the liquid was, but he sure knew it was effective.
With fingers feeling like lead for what he was about to do, Jesper took a handkerchief from his pocket and poured a generous amount of the liquid onto the fabric. He had to be sure there was enough on there, because he would probably only get one shot at this.
Jesper slowly turned back to Kaz, handkerchief ready in one hand. It was a cruel kind of luck that Kaz was still completely in the clutches of his panic attack, otherwise Jesper would not have been able to sneak up on him like he did.
As he got closer, Jesper could hear the strained, panicked wheezes of Kaz's breaths and saw how Kaz's entire frame shook like a leaf in the wind.
"I'm sorry, boss." Jesper hesitated for just a second. "I'm so sorry for this."
The gunslinger moved fast. Almost as if drawing his gun, he whipped his arm around Kaz from behind, instantly pressing the handkerchief firmly over Kaz's mouth and nose.
As expected, Kaz reacted like a wild animal fighting for its life. He pushed himself off the wall, propelling himself back-first into Jesper's chest, and trying to twist out of the gunslinger's iron grip on him.
But Jesper had been prepared for this. He didn't want to know how much trauma this raked up for Kaz, but Jesper convinced himself it was for the greater good and maintained the strong hold he had on Kaz's slender frame.
"Come on, Kaz," Jesper pleaded almost desperately, "take a deep breath, and this will all be over soon."
Kaz still struggled in his arms, albeit a little less already, but Jesper had the distinct feeling Kaz was holding his breath. He wished nothing more than for this to be over. It pained him to see Kaz this panicked, but he also knew that leaving that wound untreated would probably not end well either. And while conscious, Kaz would surely not let anyone come near enough to treat it.
Relief washed over Jesper when Kaz suddenly gasped under his hand, no longer able to hold in his breath and inhaling a lungful of the fumes from the liquid.
Immediately, Jesper felt Kaz's body start to slack.
"That's it," he encouraged, "come on, just a few more breaths."
Kaz already didn't fight him anymore, and slowly his entire body went limp. When finally his knees buckled, Jesper quickly moved his arms to catch Kaz. He slowly and carefully moved the thief onto the floor, gently lying him down on his back.
Sitting on his knees beside his now unconscious boss, the weight of guilt already pressed down heavily on Jesper. Kaz would hate his guts for this, he was sure of it.
"I'm so sorry," Jesper mumbled again, even though Kaz could impossibly hear him, "so sorry..."
Slowly, Jesper set to work on cleaning and treating Kaz's wound. It was a deep and nasty stab wound, but with proper treatment and rest it was nothing Kaz couldn't survive and heal from.
Jesper truly felt this was the last thing he would ever be allowed to do for Kaz. It was difficult for him to accept that this well-meant act possibly damaged his relationship with Kaz for good, but he would worry about that later. All that mattered for now was that Kaz received treatment, so Jesper silently and swiftly set to work...
---
In the end, Jesper could not get himself to leave until he was absolutely sure Kaz would wake up alright.
Kaz still lay on the floor, although no longer bleeding and now covered by his own coat to ensure he would stay warm.
Jesper didn't have the heart to move him. Cleaning and patching up the wound to Kaz's shoulder, meant he had had to touch Kaz's skin much more than he was comfortable with. Not that Kaz had been conscious for any of it, but Jesper couldn't shake the mental picture of Kaz's agony and panic if he had been.
The first signs of Kaz's consciousness returning came a few hours after Jesper had finished treating the wound.
He groaned softly, stirring slightly, but not fully moving yet. A flicker of the hearth fire reflected in his eyes as he slowly opened them.
Jesper had been biting his nails bloody while waiting for Kaz to wake up, but now that he saw his boss slowly regain consciousness, Jesper anxiously held his breath and sat deadly still, afraid of what was to come.
He had folded himself up on a big leather armchair on the other side of the room, as far away from Kaz as possible, but still within range to see and hear if anything changed in Kaz's condition.
The silence was almost tangible and utterly unbearable until Kaz finally found enough consciousness to speak.
"What did you do to me?" His voice sounded slurred and uncharacteristically fragile.
Jesper had not moved an inch or made a sound, so how Kaz knew he was there, he didn't know.
Jesper swallowed hard before he spoke. "T--the canteen..."
To his surprise, a dark, humorless chuckle rose up from somewhere deep inside Kaz's chest. "Good to know that stuff works," he mumbled sarcastically.
"--What?" Jesper frowned, utterly confused now. Was Kaz not angry with him for violating his trust like he had done?
Kaz slowly moved himself onto his side, hissing violently when that made he had to move his injured shoulder. He propped himself up on one elbow, before dragging himself up into a seated position. The effort left him out of breath, in considerable pain and dizzy.
Kaz's eyes effortlessly found Jesper, even in the dimly lit room. The usual unreadable expression was back on Kaz's face, but Jesper, too, saw the vulnerability hiding underneath it. And they both knew Jesper had seen Kaz at his very most vulnerable tonight.
The silence Kaz allowed to fall as he stared at Jesper did nothing to ease the gunslinger's nerves.
"So, you're... not..." Jesper stammered.
Kaz ran a hand over his weary face, for the first time breaking his eye contact with Jesper. "I don't blame you for choosing to do what you did," he mumbled weakly, "one might even say I'm grateful."
"You are?" Jesper unfurled himself and leaned forward in his seat, eyebrows raised in surprise.
"Yes," Kaz answered, a self-loathing scowl playing on his face. "For obvious reasons."
Jesper didn't immediately speak, but knew this was Kaz's way of thanking him.
"I'm still sorry for it," Jesper finally mumbled.
Kaz smirked darkly. "I didn't enjoy it, if that's what you mean, but you did what you had to do."
Kaz's hand hovered over his injured shoulder, and Jesper knew Kaz, too, was well aware of the treatment that had been necessary for the wound now neatly covered under bandages.
"You didn't leave me much choice," Jesper answered a little uncomfortably still.
"I'm well aware." Kaz closed his eyes. He looked only half conscious, feeling the after effects of the drug, the blood loos ánd his panic attack.
Suddenly, Kaz toppled sideways, slumping back onto the floor.
Now Jesper was quick out of his seat and on his knees by Kaz's side, but mindful to keep the distance Kaz required.
"You alright, boss?" Jesper looked Kaz over in concern. Kaz was calm, but the general discomfort still radiated off of him.
"No," Kaz breathed out, never raising his head off the carpeted floor. "Dizzy, pain..."
"Well, you were stabbed and most likely lost over a pint of blood." Jesper spoke half mockingly in the way only he could. "You need rest. Even though that's a word you haven't much familiarity with."
Kaz huffed, but accepted defeat. No matter how much he hated it, he probably wouldn't be able to stand on his feet anyway. Saints, he couldn't even sit up without collapsing back onto the floor!
"Do you need help moving to a more comfortable spot?" Jesper asked softly.
"No, I'm alright here for now," Kaz mumbled back. He knew Jesper meant well, but he couldn't bear the thought of anymore hands touching him. And without help or support, he surely wasn't able to move an inch. So, for now, he chose the floor.
"Anything else you need?" Jesper watched Kaz slowly close his eyes. His boss' strength was rapidly giving out on him, whether Kaz wanted to or not.
Kaz took a while before responding, and Jesper actually suspected him to have slipped off into either sleep or unconsciousness.
"Stay..." Kaz finally mumbled, barely audible, but Jesper heard it.
"Sure," Jesper answered quietly, "I'm not going anywhere."
He would stay here with Kaz and watch over him, of course he would.
Jesper moved back to the armchair. No matter how long Kaz wanted him to stay, Jesper would do so without protest.
He watched Kaz lying on the floor on the other end of the room, the light from the hearth fire flickering across his face. The slow, deep breaths meant Kaz was at ease.
Kaz would be alright. They would be alright, Jesper knew that now. And even though he still felt a sting of guilt for what he had had to do, all that mattered now was that Kaz would be fine.