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Again and again, she watched the shadow of a figure cast across the living room from the front window as they had for weeks now. She buried herself deeper in the blanket and tried to fall back into the mindless dirge of whatever was on the TV. From the other part of the house, she could hear Finnick and Mags puttering about and even with the faint movements she knew exactly what room they were in; the room that she hadn’t stepped foot in in weeks, the room whose door Finnick would shut if she even took a step towards. The figure passed by again, blocking the sunlight from bleeding through the window and despite her best interests, she thought she might just go outside. It’d been days since she’d felt fresh air and she’d be in and out before Finnick could say anything.
Her bare feet hit the polished wood floor, sending a shiver up her spine and she kept the blanket wrapped around her, the end of it trailing behind as she made her way towards the door. It took her eyes a minute to adjust to the sunlight but as they did, she could see the front porch was once again covered with vases of flowers and various ornate gift bags and boxes alike. She filled her arms with as much as she could take in one go, though caution didn’t matter much when every gift was an empty gesture…
“Hey, hey, no. You shouldn’t be lifting that.”
“It’s just a couple of vases. I think I can handle it.” Her protests went unheard as Finnick gathered the gifts in his arms leaving her with a ‘ don’t you touch those ’ about the rest. They’d hardly accepted the news themselves before it was Capitol official and it didn’t take long for the gifts to come flooding in; they already had a full nursery with enough for a family of ten. Any significant spares they received, like the surplus of bassinets, were donated first to their own District, then to the others.
Finnick had barely let his eyes off her since she told him she was pregnant and despite being terrified, as the gifts multiplied and the entire country buzzed her excitement began to grow. She never thought herself a mother, having decidedly condemned her future to one as a failed career before she met Finnick and then a captive in her own life after. Though now she supposed things had changed, her life, though not entirely hers, was made tolerable by Finnick and now, their child.
A small smile graced her face as she plucked a card from the bouquet of flowers. ‘Congratulations! We are so…’
‘...sorry to hear about your loss, our condolences–’ She was unable to finish reading the note before it was torn from between her fingers, the vase of calla lilies obstructed from her view.
“Finnick, please–”
“You don’t need to keep reading all of these,” His voice soothed, leaving the numerous gifts out on the porch as he closed the door, softly nudging her inside. “I’ll throw those out later.”
“I’m fine,” She tried to reassure him but her stomach clenched at his pained face. “You don’t need to be the one to do everything. I’m okay .” Despite her words, she didn’t expect the grief she felt when they lost the baby. She turned away from him, heading towards the kitchen where...
Their lunch was forgotten in her haze. The memories of intense pain and blood running down her thighs as she yelled for help had left her drained, and nearly unresponsive in bed. The only one around to help had been Mags, Finnick’s elderly mentor. The older woman had rubbed her back and helped her clean herself up before making her lie down in bed.
She must’ve done something; she couldn’t wrap her mind around how it could’ve happened. Maybe Finnick had been right and she should’ve been doing less than she was, maybe she ate something she shouldn't have, maybe she wasn’t meant to be a mother.
Her eyes pricked with tears, salt running down her cheeks at the revelation of what this would mean for her and Finnick. President Snow told them before they left for their honeymoon his expectations from them and not even three months since the official announcement of her pregnancy had she messed it up. She didn’t know how they would be punished but once again she’d dragged Finnick down with her. She was deep in her thoughts when a hand gently laid on her waist, startling her.
“Mags told me that…” She couldn’t bear to look at him when his voice choked up. “That you lost the baby?”
“I’m sorry.”
Finnick circled around the bed and crouched in front of her, his eyes red-rimmed and hair disheveled. “It’s not your fault,” He clutched her hand in both of his. “Not even a little bit.”
“But President Snow–”
“ Fuck Snow. He doesn’t matter, you matter.” Finnick’s face was earnest…
…his eyes swirling with worry as he looked across the room at Mags who was already pulling out utensils to start making lunch. Although she found it tough to be taken care of, she knew the woman was happy to have someone to tend to again, especially when it came to Finnick who had l been bending over backward lately to be there for her every waking need.
He’d done everything he could to help her. Never-ending assurances and thoughtful words were thrown at her constantly, but she worried for him . All he had left was Mags and now her; a baby would’ve expanded his family and she knew he was crushed over it. Selfishly, she’d felt almost a bit relieved to have been released from the responsibility of taking care of a baby. She was eighteen and Finnick only a year older, they hadn’t grown up with much of any sort of role model and she felt ill-equipped to raise a child.
After what happened, they contacted The President before he could decide they were hiding something from him and she was quickly ushered to The Capitol and met by the best doctors in the country. Though, it was too late and they'd confirmed what she already knew: that she’d lost the baby.
“Hey, Mags, could you keep an eye on her while I take care of the rest of this stuff?” Finnick called out from behind her. Mags shook her head, gesturing first to herself and then towards the door, indicating that she’d take care of it and in turn leaving him no choice but to face her.
As soon as Mags was far enough away, she bit out, “I don’t need someone to babysit me.”
“Sweetheart, I didn’t–”
She was already walking with only one destination in mind and though she knew it wasn’t something that would be good for either of them, it was something she needed to do. Finnick’s footfalls were quick behind her on the stairs and she felt a pit in her stomach growing at the knowledge that he had already realized what she wanted.
When she reached the door, his hand was already on the handle holding it shut, his strength overwhelming her own. She smacked open palms and then fists against the door to no avail. Snapping her head to look at him, she stilled, letting the look on her face speak for itself as it met his own strained expression. His head fell, the unspoken exchange leaving him with no choice but to let go.
Turning the handle she opened the door…
…to see Finnick in deep concentration, trying to assemble the bassinet that they had been gifted from Sagan when they heard the news. Despite Sagan’s flare for the dramatics, the bassinet was sweet and simple, a classic cream color with a sea-themed mobile to accompany it.
She didn’t want to say anything as she leaned in the doorway, watching her husband hard at work. While it was hard to get used to the idea of being a mother, it didn’t take much to imagine Finnick as a doting father. She must’ve made some noise as she thought for Finnick jumped, the paper detailing the instructions falling out of his mouth and onto the floor.
“I, uh, I wanted to surprise you,” Finnick blushed as he stood. She couldn’t help but grin and she turned back for the door.
“Well, I’ll just pretend I didn’t see anything,” She called as she closed the door…
…and was met with Finnick’s grim face, her own likely mirroring his. Her heart was pounding at the sudden memory of a happier time and she felt sick. Their lives had been so strained recently that she worried for them.
She sighed walking past him towards their room. “I wish none of this had ever happened.”
A beat passed before Finnick spoke. “I’m sorry I did this to you.”