Chapter Text
It’s one of those rare days at the beginning of November, where despite the creep of winter bleeding into autumn, the weather is still bearable.
The rising sun is casting a rosy hue across the morning sky while Jihyun waits for Jaewon to pick him up. He shivers when the cold wind brushes against his cheek and buries himself deeper in his hoodie, making sure the tips of his fingers are covered by his sleeves. He’s having a hard time keeping his eyes open, dead tired on his feet because of how late he went to bed the night before, but Jihyun doesn’t regret it.
It’s the second time he and Jaewon will get to spend a moment alone together, far away from everything else, and Jihyun really wanted to make things special this time around. Especially since he’s aware of what it’s costing Jaewon to go back there.
So as corny as it sounds, Jihyun made them a playlist.
He stayed up until two in the morning to make sure each song he picked would be meaningful to them both. Neither of them has a special connexion to music, they aren’t musicians after all. Yet, it still played a pretty big part into their relationship.
There was that night Jihyun heard a song on the radio and felt compelled to share it with Jaewon, not knowing then that this gesture would bring Jaewon back to him.
And even the first time the club left for Busan. Jihyun remembers the giddiness that rose inside of him when Jaewon sat down next to him on the bus and placed one of his earbuds into his ear. It felt oddly intimate at the time already, herald of the bond they would eventually form.
Jihyun’s thoughts get interrupted by the noisy sound of a car horn, and he startles a little before feeling a big smile break across his face at the sight of Jaewon’s car slowing down in front of him. His boyfriend, ever the gentleman, opens the door for him and Jihyun slides into the passenger seat after throwing his backpack into the back, his heart doing this little fluttering thing it always does when his eyes lock with Jaewon’s.
“Good morning, hyung.”
“Good morning.” Jaewon pauses to reach for something in a plastic bag and hands it to him. “I didn’t know what to get you, so I asked Joonpyo, I hope that’s okay.”
Jihyun makes a little happy noise when he deciphers what’s written on the side of the cup: tall honey almond milk flat white, and quickly shoots a glance through the window to make sure there aren’t too many people on the street, before pressing a quick kiss to his boyfriend’s cheek.
“That’s perfect. Thank you.”
Jaewon does that thing where his eyes soften and he blinks at him slowly, like Jihyun’s cuteness is actually too much for his brain to handle, before raising the hood of Jihyun’s sweatshirt so he can ruffle his hair affectionately.
“Hyung!” Jihyun whines as he attempts to slap Jaewon’s hand away. “I actually styled my hair today!”
Jaewon stops, the side of his mouth curling into a teasing smile.
“Did you?”
Jihyun glares at him, not even dignifying that with an answer.
He fastens his safety belt before crossing his arms in front of his chest and closes his eyes, his lips pulled into a pout. He’s waiting for Jaewon to start the car, but instead, there is the sound of clothes rubbing against leather, and then, the promising whisper of Jaewon’s breath against his mouth.
The kiss is soft, gentle, similar to the way Jaewon is cradling the side of his face with his palm as he opens his mouth, just enough to run his tongue along Jihyun’s lower lip. He mostly tastes like cigarettes, but hints of toothpaste and strawberry candy linger, which makes Jihyun smile into the kiss.
When they break apart to breathe, Jihyun immediately leans forward to bump their noses together, heaving out a small sigh when Jaewon sneaks his arm around his waist and pulls him closer, as much as the gear lever permits it. Jihyun doesn’t know how long they stay there, wrapped up in one another, but by the time Jaewon finally starts the car, Jihyun’s heart is beating staccato against his ribs and he’s sure he’s never been so blissfully and incandescently happy.
Their first hour on the road is spent through light-hearted conversation.
They get side-tracked on a few topics, as Jihyun animatedly rambles about the last drama he watched while Jaewon listens to him carefully, his gaze focused on the road.
At some point, Jaewon asks him if he wants to listen to some music, and Jihyun’s heart speeds up at the thought of bringing up the playlist he made, but his nerves get the best out of him, and they end up listening to that rock band Jaewon seems to be really into instead.
When they finally pull by the rest stop, it’s a little after nine am.
Jihyun’s stomach is making a bunch of gargling noises since he didn’t have time to eat anything beforehand, so they both agree to stay for a bit longer and get an early lunch as well as an early start on the supplies they’ll need later.
The vendor from last time is still there when they step into the shop, with the same orange sunglasses tucked into his shirt. Jihyun quickly darts towards the chip aisle before the man can speak to him, pretending to scan the options while hoping not to get spotted. It’s nothing personal. The man was quite nice last time, but Jihyun has never been too good with small talk. It makes him feel itchy, like being thrown in the middle of a stage with the spotlight shining right on him and nowhere to escape.
“It’s nice to see a familiar face.”
Jihyun swears under his breath, getting ready to turn around and face him, but to his surprise, Jaewon answers.
“Yes. I was afraid this shop might have gone bankrupt with one of its vendors giving out free stuff to random customers.”
The man’s laughter is loud and colourful, like the fireworks they launched into the sky last time they were in Busan. His curiosity picked, Jihyun finds himself stepping away from the chip aisle and closer to them, exchanging a confused look with Jaewon.
“You know him too?”
“Yeah, he’s the guy who gave me the fireworks, remember?”
The vendor perks up while listening to their conversation.
“Is that the boyfriend then?” He taps his chin while his gaze skims over Jihyun like a scanner. “I should have known. Handsome guys always go for the cute ones.”
This startles a laugh out of both of them.
It still takes Jihyun by surprise when their relationship isn’t met with prejudice and ignorance. He always knew there was something different about him. Why he didn’t stare longingly at girls the way Joonpyo did or dreamed about marrying one someday. At the time, it had been something he kept to himself, not because he was ashamed, but because he knew being different would draw attention to him, and that was the last thing he ever wanted.
Meeting Jaewon changed all of that.
Jihyun grew more confident and unapologetic about who he was, and the fact that every person in his life so far welcomed his relationship with Jaewon with warmth and genuine delight, made it even easier to forget that most people weren’t that open minded. At least not in Korea. Which is why, at the end of the day, acceptance from a random vendor at a gas station still feels like a huge deal to him.
“Did you find anything you want?”
Jihyun snaps his gaze back to Jaewon, who’s holding two cans of energy drinks in his hand and a bag of marshmallows in the other.
“No sorry, I’ll be quick.”
By the time Jihyun is back with the food and drinks they’ll have later on the beach, Jaewon is looking strangely flushed. His hands are raised in the air, and he’s shaking his head while looking at the ground like he’s politely declining something.
“Are you sure?” The vendor insists. “It’s on the house. Everything for young love.”
“There’s really no need, thanks.” Jaewon says before reaching out for what Jihyun is carrying and settling it on the counter next to the rest of their purchases. “We’ll just take this, and we’ll be on our way.”
The vendor shrugs, scanning their items with a hint of mischief in his eyes.
“Suits yourself.”
Jihyun glares at him suspiciously before nudging Jaewon with his shoulder.
“Are you okay?” he mouths at him.
His boyfriend nods, but now that Jihyun is standing closer, there is no mistaking the slight blush coloring Jaewon’s cheeks, or the way he’s actively avoiding his gaze. Jihyun narrows his eyes. That’s suspicious. It’s really rare to get Jaewon flustered, which is a shame because he looks really adorable when he’s taken aback, and Jihyun eats it up every time.
He’s considering being a good boyfriend and dropping the subject altogether, but when Jaewon can barely look at the vendor as he slides his card into the machine, Jihyun decides he deserves to know what this was all about.
He at least has the decency to wait until they’re out of the shop to bombard Jaewon with questions.
“What happened? What did he say? Did he try to sell you drugs?”
Jaewon lets out an awkward cackle as they get closer to the car, but doesn’t answer right away, choosing to focus on getting the food and drinks in the cooler before moving everything inside the trunk. Once he resurfaces, Jihyun is almost disappointed to notice the pink dusting his cheeks disappeared, but the way he’s carrying himself still evokes some type of awkwardness.
“Hyung?”
Jaewon chuckles, shaking his head.
“He tried to slip free condoms with the rest of our purchases.”
“Oh.”
Jihyun inhales sharply, suddenly finding the seams of his shoes extremely interesting to look at.
The truth is, they still haven’t gone all the way yet, Jaewon and him.
They did other things. Lots of really great things. But Jaewon never tried to go further, probably anxious to respect Jihyun and be careful of his boundaries. And although that’s very sweet and considerate of him, it makes things even more difficult for Jihyun since he doesn’t know how to talk to his boyfriend about taking the next step.
Jesus, he’s not even sure about what he wants.
For most of his teenage years, Jihyun was perfectly fine with not leaving his shell and pretend he didn’t find the kpop idols hanging on the walls of his sister’s bedroom insanely attractive. But now that he has a boyfriend – one who is somehow even hotter than all those kpop boys too – it’s like he’s going through puberty all over again.
Now, Jihyun is not completely clueless, of course. He has an idea of what sex entails besides rutting against each other and handjobs, but how can he make Jaewon understand that he’s eager to do just about everything with him?
He’s pretty sure Jaewon is interested by the prospect of being inside him. If the way he slipped his fingers under the cover that infamous night and gently stroke the swell of his ass is anything to go by. But what if Jihyun wants to try to top? Is it too presumptuous? Should he stick with the obvious choice since Jaewon is older and more experienced? Uggggh sex is so unnecessarily complicated!
“Well…” Jihyun clears his throat, trying to sound like a grown up about this. “Did you take them? The condoms, I mean.”
He watches as Jaewon’s eyes widen slightly and can’t help but let out a small laugh at the sight of his boyfriend looking like a deer caught in headlights.
“Jihyun-ah!”
It would be great if Jaewon did.
Not that they would necessarily have to do anything right away… but if one thing is sure, it’s that Joonpyo will never let him live this down if Jihyun asks him for condoms directly, and he’s most definitely NEVER going to buy some on his own, so…
“What?” He challenges with a raise of his eyebrows. “I’m trying to be a responsible adult here. I know we haven’t… gone all the way yet. But we might want to… someday, and it’d be nice to have the option, don’t you think?”
The look that crosses Jaewon’s face is something Jihyun struggles to read at first, but he relaxes when his boyfriend ducks his head down with a reserved smile.
“Jihyun-ah… I didn’t take the condoms because I have some at home already.”
Oh. Well… that makes sense. The only person Jihyun is aware that Jaewon dated is Eunji, but with his handsome looks, for all he knows, he might have been with a lot of people before going to the army. Shit, he feels so stupid, of course Jaewon already had condoms, he’s not some inexperienced kid like him.
“Well… That’s good then.”
There must be something on his face, because Jaewon’s brows furrow and he steps closer to him. Jihyun glances around, acutely aware that the short distance between them doesn’t give out strictly platonic vibes, but otherwise resolute to not back away. Jaewon’s eyes find his while his hands fly to his hoodie to play with the strings, a coy expression turning the corner of his lips upwards.
“You see, I started dating this really cute freshman about a month ago. Almost as tall as me, with a smile that would make even the sun jealous. I don’t know if you know him?” Jihyun feels the tip of his ears redden and this time, he’s the one ducking his head down. “Anyway, I didn’t want to be presumptuous, but I thought it would be good to be prepared so I bought a couple of things...”
Jihyun laughs, punching Jaewon’s shoulder weakly.
“Why didn’t you lead with that?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” Jaewon shrugs. “Maybe because I thought this conversation was something we were going to have somewhere private and not in the middle of a parking lot?”
Jihyun groans, face planting against his boyfriend’s toned chest.
“Fair point.”
Jihyun can feel the rumble of Jaewon’s laugther against his forehead, and then, fingers gently carding through his hair.
“Let’s get food before heading back, okay?”
“Yes, hyung.”
A little while later, when they’re both sitting on the same bench as last time, idly chatting in-between mouthful of rice cakes and sausages, an idea forms in Jihyun’s mind.
“You know what?” He asks Jaewon after taking a sip of his energy drink. “I think we should do this on purpose… replay things exactly like they happened the first time, minus the near-death experience, of course.”
Despite the obvious playfulness of his tone, the smile that started to form on Jaewon’s lips drops, and he adverts his eyes on the ground. Guilt settles in Jihyun’s chest like a stone, but he reminds himself of the reason why they’re here in the first place.
“Hyung…” Jihyun gently slides his thumb under the sleeve of Jaewon’s jacket to feel the tender point below his palm. The pulse beats a steady, slow rhythm against his touch. “I know you don’t like it when I joke about what happened, but that’s my way of dealing with it. Do you understand?”
“Yeah,” Jaewon exhales slowly, twisting his wrist into Jihyun’s hold until their fingers are laced together. “I’m trying to get better at this. That’s why we’re here, right?”
Jihyun nods.
He wants to reach out and rub the tip of his nose against Jaewon’s until his boyfriend is happy and smiling again, but they’re still out in public and Jihyun doesn’t want to have an audience for this. So instead, he clings to his arm and rests his chin on top of his shoulder.
“Let’s finish and get back on the road.”
Jaewon nods again, a glint of mischief in his eyes that finds root in the way he suddenly closes his teeth around Jihyun’s skewer, taking a big mouthful out of it, unfazed by Jihyun’s indignant shout. The mood is back to something easy and comfortable in no time while they bicker, unaware of the few amused glances thrown their way by the people passing by.
When they’re back on the road however, something dark and heavy starts looming over them as they get closer to Busan. Jihyun lasts approximatively ten minutes before feeling like he’s about to burst out of his skin.
“I made us a playlist… Do you think we could listen to it?”
The tension still won’t leave Jaewon’s shoulders, but his hold on the steering wheel relaxes a bit and he nods eagerly. Jihyun doesn’t waste a second, linking his phone to the car's bluetooth and scrolling through his Spotify account to find the playlist. His fingers hang over the play button for a few seconds, his heart rate speeding up at the prospect of letting Jaewon inside his most intimate thoughts, and he pulls his hood down when the peaceful melody of the first song echoes inside the car, soon followed by the romantic lyrics.
Day after day, even if it is tiring
I will shine brightly and become a light
A little bit more until we reach each other
I am yours, I am yours
Not a word leaves Jaewon’s lips, nor does he tear his gaze away from the road, but he lets go of the steering wheel to rest his fingers on top of Jihyun’s knee, and just like that, the tensed atmosphere dissipates. Jaewon takes advantage of the hole in his jeans to draw shapes on his skin: a wave, a house, a heart. Bubbling feelings rise inside Jihyun’s chest in answer, too big to hold, and he has to bite his tongue not to let the words gathering at the back of his throat reach his lips.
It doesn’t matter anyway.
Jaewon knows.
“Are you sure you don’t want to sleep in a hotel room tonight?”
“Hyung!” Jihyun whines from under the comforting warmth of his hoodie, puffy jacket, and fleece blanket. “We agreed to do everything the same as the first time.”
Jaewon rolls his eyes, a fond expression crossing his face before mumbling something about Gen Z and stubbornness. Jihyun very maturely sticks his tongue out at him in retaliation, but nevertheless scoots closer once the logs Jaewon was trying to arrange in some kind of decent shape catch on fire.
They both peer at the flames in silence, fascinated by the way they engulf the whole of the sticks and branches in no time.
The night slowly creeps up on them while they eat their cups of ramen and get buzzed on the beer they bought at the store. The silence stretches between them, not because they ran out of things to say, but rather because they’re most comfortable in the space between words, where everything stands still and they can just exist.
After a while, Jaewon excuses himself to relieve his bladder, leaving Jihyun alone amidst the sand and the stars lithering the sky. Jihyun tilts his head upwards, gazing at them, the alcohol in his veins making it look like they’re dancing. Those furthest away, like glittering sparks in a veil of darkness. It makes him think about the travellers who once wandered the Earth centuries ago, using the sky as a map and counting on those same stars to guide them home.
Home.
Jihyun remembers how hard it was for him to get used to the emptiness of the night sky when he first moved to Seoul. He knew the stars were still there, technically, but the seemingly never closing clubs and bars made it difficult to catch sight of them through the light pollution.
Here, in Busan, it’s different. Just like home.
He really wants to take Jaewon home one day.
“Knock, knock.” His boyfriend says while rapping his knuckles on the side of Jihyun’s head, suddenly appearing in front of him out of thin air. “What are you thinking about?”
Heat rises to Jihyun’s cheeks, barely concealed by the shadows around them. He wraps his fingers around Jaewon’s wrist to make him stop, laughing. The soft crashing of the waves blends with their breathing and the fire crackling. Jaewon is still looking at him with his eyebrows raised, awaiting an answer.
Instead, Jihyun removes his left hand from the confines of the blanket and takes a handful of sand between his fingers, watching as the tiny grains spill onto the ground when he opens his palm.
“Nothing,” he says after a while. “I was just thinking about the stars, the universe… us. Did you know there are more stars in the universe than there are grains of sand on all the beaches of the world?”
Jaewon hums thoughtfully, bumping his forehead against Jihyun’s, just to make him smile.
“I forgot you get all deep and introspective after the third beer.” Jihyun’s attempt at hitting him gets blocked easily. “Are you going to wax poetry about me?”
This time, Jihyun manages to push him a little, just enough so he can look at Jaewon’s face without going cross eyed.
“How smitten do you think I am exactly?”
Jaewon’s smug smile only gets bigger.
“Well, I don’t know, you tell me. You’re the one who drew my picture, remember?”
Jihyun startles, sitting straighter, and he can’t explain what comes over him, but he doesn’t think twice before blurting out:
“Well, I’m not the one with the secret Instagram account.”
Jaewon’s eyes go wide at the admission, but that’s the only thing Jihyun gets to see before ducking behind his hands, cheeks burning with mortification.
“Oh my god, hyung! I’m so sorry, I wasn’t trying to invade your privacy or anything I swear but –”
“I’m not mad.” Jaewon cuts him off, reaching up to run the back of his hand down Jihyun’s cheek like he’s chasing the blush there. “I’m just curious. How did you know?”
Jihyun presses his lips together, the knot in his stomach becoming less tight, but nevertheless still very present.
“Joonpyo found it.” He admits, lowering his eyes on the ground, unable to hold Jaewon’s gaze any longer. “It was back when I didn’t know if I should move on or not… right after I saw you kissing… well… you know.”
Jihyun’s voice trails off after that, a pang of hurt going through his chest when the memory of that night comes rushing back to him. He remembers the jealousy, unlike anything he ever felt before, fire ants crawling inside his chest and trickling down his throat and ribs. But the overwhelming sadness had cut him deeper.
“It was nothing.”
“I think I was out of my mind.”
“It really didn’t mean anything.”
“Let’s just forget about it.”
The last conversation he had with Jaewon kept echoing inside his skull as he watched the boy he loved kiss somebody else. Kissing her. He hadn’t noticed how Jaewon was barely moving his lips, feet firmly planted into the ground, hands deep into his pockets. The only thing that had mattered at the time was that Jaewon was there, finally in his reach, existing in the same space as him, except that wasn't Jihyun he wanted. And that had been enough to extinguish the last remaining hope in Jihyun's heart.
Jihyun closes his eyes, taking a few seconds to regain control over his emotions. The muffle sound of someone dropping to their knees in front of him is the only indication he gets before Jaewon’s arms find their way around his middle, and he breathes in deeply. The sea air clings to Jaewon’s clothes, but Jihyun can also smell the distinctive scent of his aftershave and his cologne, grounding him. He buries his face in the space between his neck and shoulder, small shudders traveling his body when Jaewon starts rubbing soothing circles over his back.
They stay like this for a while, both of their hearts beating as one.
Jihyun doesn’t need to look to know the stars are still twinkling above their heads, but when he pulls back to gaze at Jaewon and finds him already staring at him, it feels like they’re there instead, swimming into the dark brown of his eyes.
“I’m really sorry about that night.” Jaewon says with a pained expression on his face. “I hadn’t realized you started working again and I – Shit… I hope you know I didn’t do it on purpose. I wasn’t trying to hurt you.”
Jihyun smiles, before raising his hand to gently hold Jaewon’s chin and tilt his face towards his, brushing a single sweet kiss across his lips.
“It’s okay hyung. I understand.” His gaze falls on the marshmallow bag forgotten on the sand and he nods in its direction. “Let’s end this night on a sweet note, shall we?”
Jihyun only ever ate toasted marshmallows with his friends and family before, but doing it with Jaewon is very different. His boyfriend insists on feeding him, but since Jihyun is the type of person who likes to pull off the crisp brown layer and eat it first before devouring the hot goo inside, he playfully bites Jaewon’s fingers and they both laugh when the melted part of the marshmallow starts dripping down his chin.
Jaewon doesn’t have that much of a sweet tooth, but that doesn’t stop him from stealing kisses from Jihyun every chance he gets. They taste sweet, with a hint of syrupy sweetness that has nothing to do with the nature of the marshmallows, and everything to do with what they feel for each other. It doesn’t take long before they forget all about the white pillow candies and end up lying on the sand, too wrapped up in one another to care about sticky fingers and small burns.
Jihyun stills on top of Jaewon, grazing his thumb against the soft skin beneath his eye before following the slope of his nose with his index finger.
“I want to draw you again, hyung. Your face too this time.”
Jaewon smiles, pursing his lips to kiss the tip of Jihyun’s finger.
“I’m really that handsome, uh?”
Jihyun giggles, feeling lightheaded, and he can’t do anything but join his lips with Jaewon’s for the umpteenth time tonight. He likes that they don’t have an audience right now, only the moon, the stars and the sea. If he wasn’t slightly drunk, the temperature would bother him, but it’s hard to focus on such insignificant details when Jaewon’s touch creates electricity right down to his bones.
They get a little carried away. Jaewon peels Jihyun’s layers off until he can lift his hoodie and slide his warm hands along his back, deepening the kiss with a hint of tongue and teeth. Jihyun sighs into his mouth, one of his hands going from Jaewon’s waist to bury itself in his hair, needing to pull him closer. They only stop when breathing becomes an absolute necessity, smiling so big their teeth almost clash. Jihyun’s fingers itch for his coloured pencils at the sight of Jaewon looking dishevelled and flushed on top of him, lips kissed-red and wet.
Having taken the weather into account this time around, Jihyun watches as Jaewon struggles with their tent. They brush their teeth side by side before taking turn to change into more comfortable clothes in front of the fire. Jihyun’s teeth are shaking by the time he and Jaewon are safe under the blanket. Jaewon coos at him when Jihyun whines about the cold, but he moves around until Jihyun is partially engulfed by him and uses their new position to lay a tender kiss on his forehead.
Jihyun places his ear right where Jaewon's heart is beating, feeling more and more comforted each time it thumps steadily against his cheek.
“This is already better than last time.”
“Uh?”
“This…” Jihyun whispers, brushing the tip of his nose against Jaewon’s throat. “I wanted you to hold me so badly when we came here the first time.”
Jaewon takes a deep breath after hearing his words, and his embrace tightens ever so slightly, but he doesn’t answer right away. Jihyun yawns, letting his eyes fall shut, finding himself drifting off while Jaewon cards his fingers through his hair. He’s on the verge of falling asleep when his boyfriend finally voices his thoughts.
“I did too.” He murmurs, the pressure of his lips as soft as the petals of a flower when he brushes a kiss against Jihyun’s temple. “Can you promise to never let go?”
Jihyun smiles, feeling his heart expand in his chest, not only because of the knowledge that Jaewon shared the same kind of yearning as him, even back then, but from the overflowing rush of love that he feels for him now. He’s too tired to open his eyes, but he nods, curling up more comfortably against Jaewon.
“Of course, anything for you.”
To be continued.