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“Does this room feel larger to you?”
Imogen brushes her hair at the foot of the bed and tilts so she can see Laudna. “What do you mean?” Laudna lay stretched on the bed, her feet at Imogen’s hip.
“I don’t know, I think it used to feel smaller to me.”
Imogen rests the brush and smiles, both gestures brimming with gentleness. “Maybe it feels that way because we’re finally in the same space.”
“Imogen, we’ve shared the same space lots of times. More often than not, actually. This is nothing new.”
“You know what I mean.”
Laudna does, and she shows it on her face in a look that makes Imogen’s heart soar. It’s been hours since their kiss in the market, and she’s still high on it. They both are.
Laudna twists her fingers, but it doesn’t feel anxious to Imogen. It’s so strange that she can’t hear what Laudna is thinking. “Are you still going to be comfortable sharing a bed?”
If ever there were a time that Imogen felt physically tethered to Laudna, this would be it. She couldn’t break away if she wanted to. Truthfully, she can’t wait to climb into bed with Laudna, to hold her in a different way than she has in the past. To feel Laudna against her and know that Laudna is feeling the same things she is. At last.
“Are you?” she asks, and Laudna hums.
“Yes,” Laudna answers. There’s no hesitation, no wavering. It’s the confirmation that Imogen needs to place her hairbrush on the bedside table and lay herself down next to Laudna.
There’s no rush, no urgency. They have their whole lives. Laudna breathes through her nose, calm and steady, and Imogen lays on her side and traces Laudna’s profile with her eyes.
“I almost can’t believe that I’m allowed to look at you how I’ve always wanted to. Without being afraid of you seein, I mean. You’re so beautiful, Laudna.”
Laudna looks at her, then.
“How long?” she asks. The world is whisper-quiet, and Laudna’s voice is like silk.
“I think… a long time.” Laudna reaches for Imogen’s hand, and Imogen allows her to rest it on Laudna’s stomach. A delicate dance begins, Laudna tracing Imogen’s fingers and knuckles with her own. It’s far more intimate than Imogen has ever dared hope Laudna would be with her, and she swallows down her emotion. “I can’t say for sure, but before we ever landed in Marquet, I think. I didn’t know exactly what I was feeling until I saw you with Yu.”
“Oh, that must have been awful for you. Of course I didn’t intend to cause you distress with them, and I’m sorry.”
Imogen chuckles. “I’m doin alright, considerin.” And then, more soberly, “I’m sorry it seems like everyone gains your trust and tries to kill you.” Laudna’s touches are feather-light, and Imogen swallows again. “I meant what I said. I’ll be your anchor, you be my tether, just like always. Nothin has to change between us, Laudna.”
Launda rolls to her side, and the mattress barely shifts, she’s so light. “Well, I certainly hope things change between us a little ,” she says. Her eyes are full of playfulness and spark, and it siphons Imogen’s breath into a huff of laughter.
“For instance?”
“For instance , I certainly hope you’ll kiss me again.”
Imogen does. Her thumb traces across Laudna’s cheek, and the press of her lips is every bit as enticing as it was in the market. It’s not lost on her that this time, they’re laying in bed, and she lets her hand down and pulls Laudna’s waist so they’re closer. Laudna’s hand smooths up Imogen’s arm, and she pulls back enough to mumble, “You’re so strong.”
Imogen laughs against her lips. “I’m really not,” she says, and Laudna squeezes her bicep in disagreement. “I honestly can’t believe I’m here with you right now.”
“We always sleep together. You would have been with me tonight regardless.”
“You know what I mean,” Imogen says again between kisses, and this feels like a new pattern that’s developing between them. Laudna’s hand has found its way up into Imogen’s hair, and it makes Imogen’s eyes flutter. “I never thought you’d touch me this way.” It comes out far more intimately than Imogen intends, but she can’t take it back now. She doubles down. “Never thought you’d let me kiss you. I’ve wanted to for so, so long, Laudna. You… god, you have no idea.”
“Tell me?” Laudna prods softly.
“As long as you don’t stop what you’re doing,” Imogen huffs another laugh against Laudna’s lips.
“Never.” Imogen hears the promise in it, as it’s intended, and her heart floods with warmth.
“When you, when we lost you,” Imogen tries. She still can’t bring herself to say that Laudna died, doesn’t even want to think it. “I wasn’t sure you’d come back to us. I hoped. I asked you to. But I wasn’t sure until you were actually here. When I saw you again, it was all I could do to stop myself.”
Laudna breaks their embrace and pulls back, searching Imogen’s eyes for something. “Why did you? Stop yourself, I mean.”
“I need you to understand that anything that happens between us, you have to choose it. I’m never taking your agency, Laudna. Never. Just because I wanted to kiss you then, you were dealing with an immense trauma. It would have been selfish.”
“And what about now? You know that I’m dealing with a trauma again, after what happened with Bor’dor. What changed?”
“Absolutely nothing changed, Laudna. Your trauma this time seems partially to come from us havin a good time without you while you were fighting so hard to get back to us.” Imogen stills Laudna’s fingers against her scalp. “I really need you to hear me on this. We picked out new clothes because that was part of the deal and because we were filthy. I picked out something for you because it broke my heart that you weren’t with us. The rest of the time… God, Laudna, it was awful. I kept tryin to reach you, and it kept hurtin. Every time it caused pain, and I just kept tryin, hopin I could get even one word through to you. And then Fearne, Chetney, and Deanna went off to… I don’t even want to know what they did, honestly. And at the same time, FRIDA and FCG were doin whatever it is that aeormatons do together. And all I could do was sit in the dark and think about what I’d be doin with you if you were with me. And I couldn’t deny it anymore, Laudna. If you’d been there, I’d have asked without a doubt if I could kiss you. It’s all I’ve wanted for days. I knew that the moment I saw you again, I’d let you know how I feel. I was miserable without you.”
This time, it’s Laudna who kisses Imogen. Her fingers scratch against Imogen’s scalp again, and Imogen tightens her hold on Laudna’s hip.
When they break apart, Imogen’s smile is dazed and lazy.
“And now?” Laudna asks. “How do you feel knowing that you’re probably the only one of them all that’s with someone tonight?”
This is something Imogen has not considered. “I actually can’t think about them right now,” Imogen answers honestly. “I’m so overwhelmed with you that it’s the farthest thing from my mind. And it’s not really about being with someone . It’s about being with you . I missed you so much.”
“I think you might be the most romantic person I’ve ever known.”
“It may surprise you to know that I’m only ever that way with you.”
“Oh my god, Pâté!” Laudna bolts up and misses the lightning of confusion that cracks across Imogen’s features. “He’s going to tell them all.”
“Do you… not want our friends to know?” It’s a strong attempt at hiding her deflation, but it’s not enough. Laudna keys in on it immediately.
“I don’t want to hide it, of course not. But I’m still figuring out how to navigate these feelings that I’ve only ever recognized as devotion and admiration and… friendship. Honestly, Imogen, I didn’t know until the moment you asked if you could kiss me that it’s something I desperately wanted and didn’t dare ever hope for myself.” Laudna wrings her hands again, and this time the action is clearly colored with anxiety. Imogen sits up too and takes those hands in hers. Laudna immediately calms.
“Hey, I’m not… This is all new for me too, Laud.” It’s the first time Imogen’s ever shortened her name like this, and it makes Laudna melt. “I don’t have any expectations. I’m just tryin to figure out where we go from here, same as you.”
“I do like you calling me that,” she admits.
“Yeah?”
“Mhm.”
Imogen’s smile breaks like the dawn. “I like that you like it.”
“Can we just… can we wait to tell them? It’s not that I want to hide us, I just want some time to get used to us.”
“Of course we can, Laudna. We can do whatever you want. If you’d like to wait, then we wait.” Imogen stretches herself out again and lifts up her arm, a silent invitation for Laudna to lie against her. Laudna accepts by nestling in and draping a lanky arm across Imogen’s stomach, which flips again at their closeness. “But just so you know, we’re the same us that we’ve always been. We just also happen to like kissing each other now.”
Laudna laughs against her shoulder, and Imogen makes a silent promise to herself to be the cause of that sound for the rest of her life.
They lie in comfortable silence a while until Laudna asks, “Do you want to take your circlet off?”
“I do miss having you in my head, Laud, but I think,” Imogen considers her next words, “I think that while we’re exploring this new dynamic we have, I’d like to leave it on, if that’s alright with you.”
“Of course. It’s completely your decision. But will you tell me why?”
“It’s nothin bad. I just find it much easier to ask for your consent if I don’t already know it. And I’ve said before that you gettin to choose things for yourself is my highest priority.” Laudna presses herself more tightly against Imogen, and Imogen has to wonder what’s going on in Laudna’s mind. It’s a glorious feeling. “Besides, it also helps if I’m gettin a little too carried away to be able to keep that to myself.” This time, there’s no mistaking Laudna’s shiver, and Imogen is grateful for the hundredth time today that they have this boundary between them now.
“Well. I think it looks very fetching on you. I didn’t get to tell you that earlier. Though, it’s hard now to think of something you wouldn’t be attractive in.” Laudna’s voice drops and wraps itself in something wholly foreign to Imogen’s ears. “You are a very beautiful woman, Imogen.”
Imogen’s face burns, and it’s a stark contrast against the cool of Laudna’s skin. When Laudna pushes herself up to look down into Imogen’s face, there’s a shift between them, and Imogen knows, she knows , that Laudna wants her in the same way that she’s carried with her for months.
“Laudna.” It’s meant as a warning, but it comes out as more of a supplication.
Their next kiss is full of promise and want. Imogen can feel Laudna’s muscles quaking above her, threatening to give way, and Imogen wraps a firm hand around her back and draws her down, holding tight and urging Laudna to settle on top of Imogen’s body. Laudna breaks the kiss to breathe, “Well, this is new.”
“Are you okay?”
Laudna smiles then. “I’ve never been better, darling,” she says, and for the first time in a long time, she doesn’t have to wonder who the heart inside her is beating for.
It beats for Imogen.