Chapter Text
CHAPTER 1
Elsa found herself sitting at one of the bar stools. She was surrounded by people, the music was unbearably loud, especially for a small pub like this one. The air was suffocating. The smell was sweet and acrid at the same time, as if someone had poured vodka in an ashtray. Someone probably did.
She was drunk. But as she sipped her drink from her straw she chuckled at the irony that was life. No music and no amount of alcohol could be loud enough to drown her thoughts.
She had tried.
She scoffed. Feelings. The cancer of living. She asked herself how other people could live with them. How could they switch off their brain at some point and just… be content with being alive.
She had lost that spark at some point and she still couldn't find it.
And alcohol on the contrary only provided a sharpness to her mind that made her admit things that she would never otherwise. It made her honest with herself to a point she couldn't pull away. She needed it to function. To… process her life.
She sipped her orange mimosa in her glass and smiled to herself.
The sweet taste of orange juice, mixed with the sparkling of champagne made her heart jump happily. It reminded her of people and of times that didn't exist anymore. It brought her places that only lived in her memory. Oh, the smell… she loved it.
Mimosas were not her thing per se. In fact she was not entirely fond of that sweetness, but her soul needed it. It was her cure for her broken heart and damn it did work well. She felt less nostalgic now and if she closed her eyes she could still see the faces and hear the voices as if she had never left that summer evening at all. She sighed and a content smile crept on her lips.
She wanted to go back to a place she had been truly happy just once in her life.
"Ah, there you are," a manly voice said, interrupting her train of thoughts and dissipating her daydreaming entirely. She opened back her eyes and… Bam! She was back into her sad, disgusting reality. She was back into that shady pub and to her mess of a life. She immediately felt the pressure and the anxiety drop on her as if someone had switched gravity back on. It was unbearable. Her heart started beating furiously against her chest and her ears, going back to full operational mode. She found it difficult to breathe.
A man approached her and she hurried herself to swallow her drink as if the man could steal her moment of happiness just by staring at it. She sat up with composure, trying to ignore the drums in her chest and tried to act as if she had not been on her fifth mimosa at all. Nothing simple, of course, considering the volume of alcohol circulating her body at that point. She could try to ignore it but it was there.
The man approaching was a tall, bulky man, with big shoulders. He was Trevor Donovan-like, but with a bigger nose, thinner lips, really long curly hair and, no offense, not that smart of a face. And of course he lacked the magnetic blue eyes in favor of more dull brown ones. All of that mixed with his perpetually smiling grin and the fact that his hair probably never met a brush, gave a goofy and soothing kinda vibe to him that Elsa found pleasing and comforting somehow. He looked stupid… but reliable and only God knew she needed stability in her life. He looked innocent like a child, a quality that Elsa had thought was lost to the world before she met him.
"Good news! The pictures were a huge success. The bar's page has been drowned in likes. The boss loved your job," he announced proudly, clapping his hands like an excited kid. "You got talent. I would know," he praised her with his big smile, showing her his pristine teeth. Elsa looked down at her feet, clicking her tongue. Her mood was ruined now. She didn't sit well with compliments. Maybe she was just traumatized, but even if Kristoff sounded sincere she decided to pull her guard and all her defenses up. He didn't look like one who would have tried to deceive her, but Elsa had seen even less suspicious people try. She wouldn't let him hurt her easily.
She scoffed and sat with her back straight, assuming her lawyer pose, crossing her legs and hugging her torso in a defensive stance. She rolled her eyes at him and pressed her lips together, hoping he would understand that she didn't love to deal with unrequited flattery. He noticed her change in behavior and followed as if on command. He cleared his voice and rubbed his neck nervously.
"Yes, yes. I'm amazing," she groaned with clear irony in her voice. "Now, skip directly to the part where you say you don't have the money to pay me. This will save time," she murmured, gently but directly, like the blade of a knife sinking into butter. Sharp and relentless.
At that point, his stance changed again. He smiled very brightly back at her. An unusual event that threw her a little off. He opened his jacket and sank his hand into its internal pocket. For a moment Elsa thought stupidly that he could have a gun hidden in there, even if there was no shape of it visible. And then to her utmost surprise, he produced a white envelope. He pushed it with no hesitation into her direction.
She took it with an unsure hand. Was it a bomb? And then when it was finally secured in her hands Elsa found out it was heavier than she thought for that small of a volume. She frowned in confusion and then opened it, if only to sate her curiosity and she did it fast as she didn't want him to run away and scam her. Even if he was showing no sign of having those intentions. She didn't want to look distrustful, but then again, she had been deceived so many times that at this point bitterness and caution simply were her second nature.
Her eyes shot open when they fell on the pile of fifty dollar bills neatly stacked in it: an amazing sight for sure. It was her turn to smile at him and that, clearly, he was not expecting, because his eyebrows shot up like lazy caterpillars. Her smile was barely noticeable, but it was a great change in her attitude. Her lips barely stretched to a corner, but she had relaxed a bit and that made a big difference. He even felt compelled to approach her and try to pat her shoulder, a thing that of course he immediately understood would be the last of his hand. He closed it and started rubbing them together. She pulled the money out and started counting them.
"The guy was happy. For real," he insisted, nodding like a lost puppy in search of approval, but Elsa was too engrossed with counting now to listen to him. "I think he snuck a couple of fives more in there, but I would still check if I were you. He’s a sneaky one". Elsa had no doubt, so just to be sure she counted twice and for once, she was not disappointed. Lovely to know the face matched the soul. Now that she had reached her goal, she jumped down the stool. It was just one small hop, but she was so drunk it felt like leaping off of a building. She had to steady herself against the stool for support to stay upright as she felt like a gymnast coming down from a double back jump. She then nodded at him in sign of appreciation.
"Thanks, Kristoff," She even pulled out a couple of bills out of the envelope to push in his direction, but he gently refused, raising his hands. That was bizarre… she hadn't expected that. No one ever refused money.
"I've already been paid, and also I'm here for that collaboration you promised to think about. We did pretty well for the first time. I thought you would say yes now," he explained and even if he tried to look tough, Elsa could see, clear as day, that he was nervous and scared about it. He started scratching the back of his neck in an ungracious and anxious manner. But this time, only as a prize for being so honest with her up until now, she decided to overlook it. She, of course, wrote it into the 'deal with it later' list inside her mind, but nothing more. She decided to deal with him with the same level of honesty.
"I work alone, Kristoff. Sorry," she repeated for the upteenth time. She started wobbling away only to be stopped a second later by Kristoff walking in front of her. He was sober and determined; she was drunk and tired - he clearly had the higher ground.
"I have other jobs for you," he said clearly and directly, just the way she liked it. No trying to flirt or flatter her this time. Just the simple concept thrown there as any business-man would do. "If you say yes, we could even start tomorrow." That piqued her interest. Not that she needed the money desperately, but the more the merrier and she was a sucker for work. She needed it to stay away from her thoughts and lately she had been with them a little too much for her liking.
"What is it you are getting out of this?" she asked, analytically and clinically as always. She wanted to know his reasons, because if there even was a scam in his plan, it would be a hundred percent in that fold. And she wanted to know before selling her soul.
"I need the money. There's a girl I want to impress and she doesn't even see me. I need to move out of my parent's house and show her I'm a worthy man," he spilled out clumsily, like a sack of beans all over the place, causing Elsa to scoff. She believed him. Why not? He sounded sincere and that was too specific a detail to be a lie. A girl. He was ready to deal with her for a girl. Brave and very stupid.
Elsa wanted to warn him that girls were cheaters and traitors; that nothing good would come out of it; that in the end he would be left deceived and discarded in a corner like a hold toy she doesn't want anymore and he would be hurt. But then again, this might just be her trauma speaking for her and there was no assurance he would get the same treatment. He seemed like a nice guy in the end. Her, on the contrary…
"How much money are we talking about here?" she kept on inquiring. She had to know every sordid detail of it. It didn't help that her mind was closed with booze and incapable of coming up with the right questions and the ability to retain the information she was getting. She would process everything later. Maybe.
"A commission of five percent," he intercepted. "But like tonight, it won't affect you. Make your price and that will be it." It sounded like an honest bargain and Elsa couldn’t pinpoint where the scam was.
When Kristoff had approached her two weeks prior, at a mutual friend's party, she had known this was exactly where the game would end. He was a scavenger. No scavenger approached for no reason. Nonetheless, a person like her. He might have been nice and all, but Elsa knew this was his weapon. A powerful one. The nice guy with a lot of friends, finds someone to work with and then reveals himself to be not so much of a nice guy after all, but at that point he would backstab you until you were ruined and you didn't even know yourself. She knew - all too well - the game. She squinted at him, reading between his lines.
But then again… he had the job; she had a camera to match it. No need to hold back. It was for a mutual advantage and if she wanted to, she could walk away from it any time. She would love to kill herself with work, on the other hand. And Elsa knew he had understood that basic survival instinct of hers at the same moment she had accepted to take photos of that bar.
"Fine. But my parcel stays on. No discounts," she immediately clarified. Better to be safe than sorry. He nodded, beaming in an annoyingly ecstatic way. This kid was too transparent for his own good. "We can try, but if anything goes wrong, I'm out."
"Fine by me. I'll call you." He was finally satisfied with what he had gotten out of their bargain; he finally freed her. Walking out of the pub to breathe the cold, yet humid air, she sighed in relief. She breathed in and out smelling the acrid smell of wet asphalt. She closed her eyes and started analyzing what had happened back there.
She was not really fond of people or social interactions, but she found herself quite happy with how the evening had ended. Kristoff seemed like a nice guy: trustworthy. He seemed like the perfect partner. Yet most of all, she was tired of dealing with clients.
This could reveal itself to be a win-win situation after all. She would take care of photos; he would take care of people. He had that natural extrovert vibe to him and Elsa was sure he would handle people better than she was able to - truthfully, something Elsa was terrible at doing.
When she was finally ready to leave, she decided to walk home. It wasn't raining anymore and she was drunk enough to want to go and challenge the fresh September weather. She was confident that the evening would end as well as it had started, for once.
Clinton St was not that busy either and she was tipsy enough to enjoy the walk even if some strangers crossed her way. Usually it was a street vibrant with life but, for some reason, tonight it was quiet. It was barely ten in the night and the restaurants were closed. Most of the people she had crossed either came from a club or were entering one. Maybe it had been the rain, pushing people out of the streets and inside. She couldn't have been more grateful for it.
She closed her eyes and as she walked in her wobbling, uncoordinated way, images of her memories played on the back of her eyes. She remembered those rainy days of years ago when talking to people didn't feel so wrong after all.
She walked straight until she got to Clinton's square. She stared at the buildings in awe as if it was the first time she saw them and she hadn't been living there for more than a decade now.
She lost track of her own movements at some point, with the contribution of those Mimosas, and found herself at a diner instead of home.
She stared at the menu for a long long time. She was really not that hungry per se but, then again, she felt nostalgic that night and she needed some comfort food. In the plethora of dishes on the menu, she finally pointed at one that struck her as the most familiar.
She found herself staring at the pancakes minutes later and she had to admit she was a little disappointed. The color was off, the smell was off, even the shape was off. She sighed and resigned into trying them anyway.
The taste was off.
And at that, Elsa clicked her tongue in displeasure, as the memory she had desperately tried to revive definitely died in her mind. She moved her pancake from one side to the other of the plate with the fork. She didn't want to eat it now. She was scared that if she did, her memory would fade like smoke and corrupt forever. It was an irrational thought, of course, but what would you do if your only memory of happiness was so feeble that only a bite could ruin it? No. It wasn't worth it.
The sadness she felt was profound; and it was difficult for her to understand why. Why was she disappointed? Deep inside herself, she knew that what she was searching for was unfindable and yet she kept on trying and, most of all, believed that she would succeed someday. Relentlessly and maniacally. She should have stopped that madness at that point, stop the disappointment and many other feelings along with it. Accept that it was all coming from a delusion of hers and go on with her life. Give up. But she couldn’t.
She put down the fork delicately against the porcelain and looked outside the big window at the now splendid and peaceful night. Elsa couldn’t feel it in herself to be this joyous. She would have preferred if it had continued raining. That would have reflected her inner thoughts more.
She breathed as if this was a defeat she would never recover from. She pinched the bridge of her nose with frustration and then rubbed her eyes with tired hands. She gulped down the never ending heartbreak and sighed.
“It’s not it”.
She knew this was a trivial matter but what pushed her to try harder and harder was the fact that she was slowly forgetting. With time and with the amount of alcohol she consumed of course her brain at some point would start tricking her. But she didn’t want to forget. She wanted those memories to stay with her forever. She didn’t want for the faces to become an indistinct blur until one day she wouldn’t recognize them any longer. She had to fight. And reliving every moment was the only solution she had come up with. Sad truth was that the world was different now. The more time passed, the more her hope faded and the more her rage grew. She bit her lips hard and tried to keep her tears at bay. She would not cry. Not for pancakes. Not today at least. Why was this becoming more and more of an obsession?
Maybe because she knew this was the only thing still keeping her sane and she needed it - craved it. Truth was, it had been more than ten years already and a normal person would have moved on already. And at some point she had tried. She had started moving on. She had accepted her fate and started to build something and then… she had simply realized she wasn’t happy. That her life had no meaning any more. She just wanted to go back and the more time passed… It was just nostalgia and everyone knows how melancholy goes. It just grew and grew until it suffocated and devoured you and Elsa; she was not so keen to be devoured. Not yet.
13 years earlier.
Elsa entered the house on tiptoes. It was four o’clock and she knew someone would be home and, given that her father was already on his plane, she also knew who. She thought that if she played her cards well, this could have been a nice surprise. After all, Anna was expecting their dad to come home at four, back from work, not her. The odds were all on her side. So Elsa put down her banana bag next to the door in the most subtle way, and then she started taking off her shoes, preparing to walk barefoot to her room. The linoleum floor was perfect to sneak around, but she hadn’t considered the victim of her surprise. Even with how quiet she was, a voice came from the kitchen nonetheless.
"Dad?" Elsa heard Anna asking. She had forgotten how good Anna’s hearing was. Dammit. Her heart started beating furiously in her chest. Maybe the plan she had come up with wasn’t so perfect after all. She tried to find a fleeing path but there were none. She should have walked in front of the kitchen to get to the stairs and now that Anna knew something was up, there was no way she would be able to, without being seen. Elsa sighed, trying to find a solution that wasn’t coming. She thought of hiding, but what good could that have done? She would have only scared Anna to death at that point and she didn’t want their reunion to start on a bad note. She had been discovered; she had to accept her fate now; so she took her banana bag back up from the floor and walked all the way to the kitchen just to find her sister’s back facing her. She was alone and busy with… what was she doing? “Dad? Is that you?” Anna kept on asking without turning around and Elsa bit her lips.
She was incredibly gorgeous.
Elsa felt her heart constrict into her chest with a painful longing. She felt her eyes flood with tears; her lips quivered. Why did Anna have this effect on her? Elsa stared at her for the longest moment, just to track all the small details that had changed in the months they had been apart.
She was wearing a baggy purple pile pajama. It was clearly comfortable and soft, but it was horrendous. Then with those wool green socks at her feets, it could easily be classified as the most anti-sexual mise ever. On anyone else it would have been offensive to humanity, but she was killing it. Was Anna taller? It seemed that way. She was growing up after all. But as much as Elsa knew this would happen, she was not prepared to see what a beauty her sister had become. Slender figure; long auburn hair pulled up into a ponytail. Anna was sexier than Elsa remembered and that was a lot coming from her. Saying that she was the most beautiful girl she had ever laid eyes upon was an understatement. The exact moment Elsa saw her, her fear disappeared and her chest filled with a warm, fuzzy feeling. This felt like home. Was it affection? Probably. It was not difficult for Elsa to admit she adored her little sister.
“Why doesn’t he answer?” Anna murmured and scoffed. “What an asshole.” Elsa smiled. It was just like Anna to get angry that fast for something so trivial. So Elsa stood there, amused, leaning against the door, waiting for her to find out who she had cussed to, but when Anna didn’t, she just cleared her throat.
“Now, calling me an asshole is a bit rude. Isn’t it?”
And at that, of course Anna turned to look at Elsa. She froze for a second and then as she realized it was really her big sister standing there, her eyes became as big as plates and her mouth fell open. Anna immediately rushed to cover it with her hands. Her eyes started filling with the same unshed tears that had filled Elsa’s, just a couple of minutes before.
“Oh my God… is that you?” she asked, and Elsa tried to contain her laugh as best as she could. She opened her arms and turned to look around.
“Who else? Don’t act like I’m dead every time. It makes me feel guilty…” Elsa trailed off, swallowing nervously, but Anna didn’t care about her joke, nor about her feelings. She dried her tears with her closed fists and then started stumbling in Elsa’s direction, sobbing. Elsa shook her head and chuckled this time, preparing to receive her sister when Anna opened her arms to encircle her shoulders. Elsa’s heart was experiencing a strange rollercoaster of emotions. Guilt, then pain, then sorrow, then confort, when Anna finally crashed into her arms and held her tight. “Then again… not dead, nor trying to be” Elsa repeated while Anna cried on her shoulder. It took her ten minutes to stop and look back at Elsa with her red, puffy eyes. She sniffed and dried her eyes again with the back of her pajama’s sleeve. And when she was finally ready, she nodded at her big sister.
“I’m okay…” she breathed deeply and nodded as if to convince herself. “Dad told me you would come.”
“Then why are you crying?” Elsa asked with a frown. Anna simply shook her head and shrugged.
“I don’t know.” she whined with a trembling voice, shaking her head and then chuckled as if she found her own words silly. She dried her eyes again. That was the final clue that made Elsa laugh and Anna reciprocated in a more gentle and melancholic way. Elsa loved when Anna was smiling. It was so sincere and innocent. It was just impossible not to smile back. Her smile was contagious. “I missed you… eight months is just too much!” As Anna started hiccuping again, Elsa felt her heart constrict in pain again.
“Aw, my poor baby,” Elsa murmured and pulled Anna into another hug, pressing her cheek on her sister’s head. She was still so small compared to her. Anna hugged her tight. “I’m here now. I’m gonna stay with you until Dad comes back.”
“Are you?” Anna asked as if she couldn’t believe it. “What about the concerts? Don’t you have three next week?” Elsa bit her lips and sighed. She looked away for a second. She didn’t know if telling Anna would be a wise idea, since she seemed to love the idea of her being a musician, but then again there was no point to keep things from her.
“I’m retiring, Anna. That was the last one.” Elsa responded. As Anna tried to retort, Elsa pressed her index finger on her sister’s lips to shush her. “I’m tired… I can’t do concerts three days a week and follow my studies at the same time. I’m sinking and Dad and I made the decision that if I had to give up something, it would be music. No big deal.”
“Of course it had to be music,” Anna said venomously, staring at the floor with an eloquent pout. Elsa chuckled and put her sister’s chin in her hands, forcing her to look up.
"I don’t mind. And anyway, being away from concerts will let me have more time with you,” Elsa said softly. She continued, “I’m staying until Dad comes back. He’ll be gone for a month or so - a series of conferences - so I'm in charge of you”. Elsa stated, matter-of-factly.
“Is that true?”
“Yes. Apparently he needs a back up, so I’m going to study from home until January. I’m all yours for Christmas.” And as she said it, Elsa felt Anna relax into her arms and sigh in relief. She pulled herself on the tips of her feet to kiss Elsa’s neck with her soft lips. Elsa felt herself shiver in surprise.
"Can you believe it? A whole month this time! Oh… that’s so good I could cry!" the girl said in ecstasy, looking at Elsa with the back of her eye glinting in a tempting and mischievous way. “I must have been a good girl, if Santa sent me this present.” She had something in mind. Elsa could tell.
“The best.” Elsa said and Anna grinned affectionately at her. Elsa wanted to add something more meaningful, but apparently Anna was sated like that and didn’t give her the time to think of something. The redhead took her hand, pulling her forward in the direction of the kitchen. From the way she was smirking evilly, this time Elsa was certain she had something in mind and it must have been nothing good.
It was rare to see her so playful in the house. Father was never fond of it, so he repressed her from acting silly. But he was gone for now. No need to keep the mask on anymore. No need to hide smirks, small kisses and the constant need to maintain contact. They loved each other in a way that would have looked bizarre to other people. Their father didn't like it in fact.
But he was not there to reprimand them right now.
All the residual uncertainty immediately went away as she walked up to her sister and she pressed her lips on Anna's soft cheek in a simple peck. Her skin was soft and smooth and warm. She smelled sweet. Elsa sighed a trembling breath, closing her eyes. She didn’t know anymore if that kiss had relieved her or made the small pressure she felt in her heart become unbearable. She kissed her again. That simple contact though, made Anna blush a little and recoil into herself, in the most childish way, with a small embarrassed chuckle. They were not used to this anymore. Elsa would have stopped there, were it not for the way Anna's eyes had darted at her, subtly, asking her to keep going.
And her gaze, a shade darker now, was absolutely famished. Like a wild beast ready to attack.
And Elsa did feel a little surprised. Just for a second there, she had thought she had seen something in Anna’s gaze that was not entirely affection. As if she really was asking her to go on. Something she would never believe could come from her sister. It was so silly of an idea that she chuckled it away. She must have misunderstood. Of course she did. Anna would never look at her with those eyes and with those intentions - her sister most of all!! But, whether it was true or not did not matter anymore, because Elsa had already lost all her focus and all of her willpower.
She leaned in to encircle the girl's waist and press her nose into the nape of her neck, breathing in deeply. She smelled different from what she remembered. Elsa could smell cinnamon and a hint of almond where before Anna had always smelled like flowers. It wasn’t a bad change, but it took her aback nonetheless and had forced her to linger more against Anna than previous to make sure. She would have done anything to sate her own wanton desire by this point. But it didn't work. On the contrary: when her nose pressed on Anna's heated and soft skin and her subtle sweet smell embraced her, and Anna let out the smallest of moans, Elsa started to combust from inside out.
She desperately tried to contain her growl as her hands wandered on Anna's pullover and then underneath it on the silky smooth skin of her belly, holding her tight. Anna jumped and shivered in surprise as her hands were cold, but no chuckle met Elsa's ears this time. She instead pressed against Elsa to get more friction between them.
Elsa needed to touch her with a desperation she never thought she would feel for her own sister and Anna didn’t seem opposed to it. She let Elsa explore and take control and let her take possession for a second. Elsa just wanted to have her as close as possible. Anna made her feel things that no one else had ever. She was a free spirit, Anna, and Elsa loved her and adored her in a way that might have sounded a bit too affectionate, a bit too passionate for a sister. A bit too possessive.
But then something went back in place into her head, while her lips grazed the skin of Anna's neck and she felt the girl shiver again but from something that was, with certainty, not cold.
She was going too far. She had to stop or she would scare Anna away. And that was the last thing she wanted.
She sighed and pressed one last kiss on Anna's shoulder before breaking the hug with what little remained of her strength. They both were a quivering, gasping mess by now, but Elsa attributed that to surprise. Anna was young: she wouldn't know what that desperate feeling was or at least she wouldn't feel it for her.
"Happy much?" Elsa breathed in a heated whisper in Anna's ear, and she felt her sister shiver again. She had not meant for it to sound so sultry but she hadn't been able to contain herself. She was on fire. Anna swallowed a couple of times as if she was catching her breath and her composure, as Elsa pressed her chin on her shoulder to check what was on the table, then pulled back a strand of hair that had fallen in front of her sister’s eyes. Anna was pretty short for a nineteen year old. Minute, someone would say. Elsa brought back their previous topic, attempting to distract herself from what she had just felt. “But even if Dad isn't here; you must behave.”
"I smell fear." Anna teased back, grinning and out of breath. There she was. Her usual playful self. Elsa rolled her eyes, trying to hide her amused smirk, kissed her shoulder one last time and took her hands off from Anna's waist, before sitting at the stool on the other side of the counter.
"I'm not scared of him. I just don't want him to annoy me. And you know how he becomes when he’s on the defensive.” Anna nodded and started placing a series of kitchen utensils on the table in a neat way. Elsa stared at her out of curiosity. “Did he understand I'm working?" Elsa asked and Anna absentmindedly shook her head, while concentrating on the passages in the old book of recipes their mother had left them.
"Nah, he’s too busy complaining to understand anything else. But then again, that’ll happen sooner or later and he won’t be pleased."
"It's not forever. I just want to buy that camera. I really, really want it. And now that I’m not doing concerts anymore I might even have a shot at it". Elsa whined and Anna nodded. She had heard that same story a million times over the phone already. Elsa smirked. She hadn’t heard what she was about to say next, though. “I’ve gotten in,” she said in a conspiratorial way. Anna stared at her in confusion. “Remember that course I wanted to take? The photography lessons? I passed the exam," She smiled. Anna's eyes filled with surprise and then, for some reason or other, with fear.
"Get out… Really?” she asked and Elsa nodded happily. Anna instead seemed conflicted between being happy for her and worried. “Is this why you gave up playing? Elsa… Dad is against it,” she said in the end, trying to be the responsible sibling for once. A thing that didn’t suit her in the least. “You know that. He wants you to study. I don’t know what’s gotten into you since you set foot into college, with all these ‘artistic’ hyperfixations of yours, but the way you are playing with him… it scares me." And there, Anna sounded just like him.
"He is not the boss of me anymore, Anna. I am an adult.” Elsa tried to ease the worry in Anna’s eyes. With little success, though. “I am not abandoning my studies. It’s just a couple of lessons. I want to learn. And I have the right to buy a camera if I want it. It's not a big deal."
“Why?” Anna asked, placing both of her hands on the counter. Elsa smiled. She had just recently learned how much Anna loved to play the bad cop in their conversations. “You never liked ‘art’, Elsa. Why the hell is this so important for you now?”
“Okay. I met a person,” Elsa started to explain, raising her hands in defense. Anna’s horror was so sudden and palpable, Elsa nearly burst into laughter. Anna could be so jealous at times. “Not that kind of person!” She specified and Anna sighed in relief, closing her eyes as her face regained a little of the color it had lost. “I met a photographer and I saw his pictures and… well, they were gorgeous.” She opened her hands to form a small rainbow with her fingers. “Gorgeous.” Elsa reinforced. “And I thought that, if I learned how, I could… maybe… take pictures of you,” Elsa said as simply and as straight as a clock.
Anna froze on the spot. Elsa saw her blush gently, until her face was red up to her ears and she had to lower her gaze, because staring into Elsa's eyes was becoming too painful. She pointed her index finger against her chest as if she couldn't believe Elsa was talking to her.
"Me?" she asked self-consciously. "Why would you want to take pictures of me?" Elsa smiled and leaned in the amount needed for her to get her words straight and clear. Her heart started beating hard and painfully in her chest. How to explain it to her in a way that wouldn't scare her away?
"Because you are the most gorgeous thing I have in my life, Anna,” she breathed and she saw the reaction her sister had. Her eyes widened to the size of planets. Her breath caught in her throat and she was left breathless for a couple seconds. Elsa genuinely didn’t know what that meant, but it made her smile victoriously nonetheless. “I miss you when I’m there. I would love to be here with you all the time. But I can't. So I'm taking pictures,” Elsa said gently, sliding her hand along the counter for Anna to take, which she did, hastily, closing their fingers together.
"Do you care that much?” she asked and Elsa could see the hope in her eyes. Elsa nodded and smiled. But then, just as Anna’s smile started to form, something clouded her eyes. She frowned, staring into nothingness and shook her head, taking her hand back. “I know you don't. You are too busy with college to remember old boring Anna," her voice failed and she averted her gaze, feigning interest in the cookbook.
"You are not boring." Elsa tried to defend but Anna just shook her head.
"It’s fine, Elsa," she said gently. "I mean, you’re the star in the family. I’m the klutz, holding you down. I accepted my position long ago. Why can’t you? You should live up to your potential and forget about these silly delusions of yours…" Elsa stared at Anna for a long moment. A beat passed. This was not Anna and these were not her words. Elsa would know. What was all this about?
"I am taking that class. It’s my choice, not yours,” Elsa asserted, even at the risk of sounding harsh. “And now I want to know who filled your head with this nonsense you talk about. Who was that? Was it dad?" Elsa demanded, a blind rage filling her. She gritted her teeth to keep her composure. She knew already, but she needed to hear it from her.
"It doesn't matter…" Anna murmured, shaking her head. "It's true."
"It’s not true." Elsa said gently and, as she did, Anna's lips started to quiver again and she had to look anywhere but her, because Elsa knew she would start crying. "I’m tired of this. Can’t you stop listening to him? Don't you see what he’s doing to you? He ruins our moments even when he’s not around." Anna didn't answer, so Elsa got back up and went to hug her again. She knew Anna needed it, so who was she to deny her lovely sister? Anna just let her, defeated, hugging back weakly. "Who's your number one fan?" she asked.
"You." Anna answered in a feeble voice, Elsa nodded.
"Yes, me. You are my little star, Anna. Don't listen to the old bear," she said gently and then pushed her away to dry the tears in her eyes with her thumbs. "Look at me. Do you believe me?" Elsa asked and Anna timidly met her gaze and nodded. She looked convinced. "Are you really that opposed to me taking that class?” Elsa asked, and of course Anna shook her head. Elsa smiled. “We are gonna have fun!” Anna nodded. “Now… Do you want to explain to me what all this mess is?" she asked, turning to the counter full of kitchen utensils and ingredients.
"Oh, I'm… learning how to cook," Anna said, pushing Elsa away, as her mood improved a little. She showed her every utensil, touching it with her index finger and then turned to look at Elsa directly in the eyes with a scolding glance. "I’ve been hearing what you eat at that college of yours and I don't like it. Too much junk food. It’s time someone cooked something healthy for you and that one is going to be me, since you don’t want to learn for yourself."
"Hence cooking."
"Hence cooking," Anna confirmed. "I hereby forbid coco o’s, oreos, doritos, burritos and all that ends in ‘-os’ that’s not healthy from this kitchen," Anna said, opening her arms into an exaggerated and exasperated gesture. Elsa's eyebrows nearly touched in confusion and she had a difficult time hiding the amused grin she felt opening on her lips.
“Even tacos?”
“Yes.”
“But you live off of those.” Elsa pointed out.
“Then I’ll die,” Anna responded easily as if it was not a big deal, and that finally forced a laugh out of Elsa. “Don’t you dare mock me,” Anna warned, pointing her index under Elsa’s nose now. She was smiling too, though, and that made her less and less menacing. Elsa couldn’t stop laughing. “Keep going. See if I change my mind.” Elsa grabbed her and kissed her cheek to ease the pout Anna had forced on her face.
“Anna… isn’t this a bit of a drastic decision?” Elsa asked, making a face. “I’m never home anyway. You don’t need to learn for my sake.”
“But I want to.”
"You really want to kill me that badly?" Elsa whispered to herself. Maybe a little too loudly. Elsa didn’t think Anna would hear her, but then she saw the hurt expression on her sister’s face and realized how offensive it could sound only when it had left her lips. Anna’s neck nearly snapped to turn and look at her. "I'm sorry, I didn't want to say it like that," she immediately tried, but Anna slapped her arm gently.
"I don’t want to kill you silly! I want to impress you!"
"Me?" Elsa asked in surprise with the same face Anna had made just minutes ago. Anna exploded into a fit of laughter.
"Yes. Why do you think I would even try otherwise? The bear lives off bottles." She pointed at the mess. "Are you impressed?"
"I'm astonished." Elsa said and the two of them stared at each other for a long, meaningful moment. Their eyes locked together as if they couldn’t look away. Anna stopped; her eyes became sultry and clouded and locked on Elsa’s lips just for the smallest of seconds. Elsa felt her heart skip a beat and her mouth go dry. She had to gulp a couple of times to regain her composure. And when Anna started leaning in, biting her lips with those barely open eyes and the silence becoming suddenly unbearable, Elsa cleared her throat as a nervous reaction, ruining the moment. Anna immediately snapped out of her trance and turned to look at the table once again, red and with clear panic in her face. Elsa grabbed her heart, underneath her shirt, trying to force it to stop beating like a drum, huffing like a locomotive. It took minutes for the both of them to regain their equilibrium, both oblivious of the other’s reaction and then it was Elsa who spoke first, mustering the courage. "Tell me: what are you cooking?"
"Are you really interested?" Anna asked and Elsa immediately nodded. Elsa knew her parents had never given Anna the attention she deserved and this, albeit small, involvement Elsa was showing was everything for her. Anna's eyes lit in happiness and then she grabbed the book, showing Elsa the recipe. "Mashed potatoes! We’re going to have them for dinner!" Anna smiled brightly at her, jumping as if she couldn't contain herself. "Or at least I'm trying. Mum's recipe is complicated." Elsa hummed.
"Has Dad already seen this mess?" Elsa asked, and Anna shrugged.
"Do you really think he would mind?" she asked. "He doesn't even see me. Don't worry." Elsa wanted to investigate the matter, but Anna didn't let her. Anna placed the book in her older sister's hands so she could look at it. "Can you read the passages to me?" she asked and Elsa turned it to check the recipe.
"Are you sure you want me to be involved with this?" she asked. "Do you remember the last time we tried to do something together? The science project?" She remembered clearly how they nearly killed the neighbor's dog with a rocket.
"There won't be any explosives and also… you just have to read. How bad can it be?" Anna joked and Elsa licked her lips with an amused smile.
"Are you suggesting it was my fault that it exploded?" Elsa asked and Anna bit her lips in a flirty way Elsa was not really expecting. "You were the one in charge of it," Elsa breathed. leaning in and Anna chuckled, mimicking her.
"And you were the one in charge of me". Anna replied. They both looked at each other for a long, intense moment. Anna's eyes fixed on Elsa's lips again before returning to her eyes and Elsa really wondered this time why her behavior was so off. Was she really checking on her?
"Fair point," Elsa murmured, chuckling and then leaned back to check the book. "Fine," she agreed and stared at the recipe. "Are you sure you want to start with this one?"
"Yes, I do. We’re going to have a nice dinner while dad isn’t there to prevent it. Now read!" Anna commanded and Elsa couldn’t help but make her happy.
Present
Elsa got out of the last bar at six in the morning and walked all the way back until seven thirty, she finally walked past the front door of her apartment.
No one welcomed her. She knew no one would be there to do it, but still in the back of her mind she hoped to hear that voice call her again; to see her jump out of her closet and scare her, or hug her.
She threw her keys on the table, took off her coat and placed it folded on the chair, then carefully took off her stilettos, so as not to facepalm the floor, leaving them next to the door, walking away in her thin hoses. She walked into the bathroom; aseptic as the rest of her apartment and while she filled the hot tub, she took off her suit from her head, slowly as if the movement could hurt her.
She looked like an absolute mess. She glanced briefly at herself in the mirror, before walking inside the warm water. A long sigh escaped her lips and then silence. A deafening silence.
Her eyes filled with tears. She should have never left. She missed her so much.
She wanted to drown it. She wanted for this nothing she felt, this hole in her heart, to disappear. So she tried. She pulled her face underwater and there she opened her eyes. Her blue eyes scanned her pale blonde hair surrounding her and the light casting strange shadows on the water while it waved gently. What if she ended it there? No more pain. No more longing. Peace finally. She closed her eyes and then a voice filled her ears, but it was not the one she wanted to hear.
You’re just depressed Elsa. You’ll see that with therapy it’ll feel better.
Her psychiatrist had been so kind to her, giving her hope, but she just knew… nothing would fill that void. Nothing would substitute her. Nothing would give her back. Not the pills, not the group therapy, and she was tired of trying to chase away the pain with delusions that would never work. Like the damn mimosas; the pancakes and all the rest.
Elsa was sad to admit she had not many options left after all and her hope was running thin. She shouldn’t have tried to fly so close to the sun. What a bad idea. But she had been a kid then and she had been in love.
Then you will tell me how they taste.
Anna's voice filled her head and that chuckle resonated through her mind. She pushed her head out of water to breathe again. She pulled back her hair and gasped for minutes. Even those heavy breaths were so muffled that they didn’t produce any real sound and in the end they slowly disappeared in the thick silence of the apartment, followed by her subtle ringtone: her alarm going off. Her lungs were on fire and kept on burning for minutes straight.
She closed her eyes and she leaned back against the cold porcelain of the tub, cuddled by the warmth of the water surrounding her. It was bliss, but just for a second until her brain started working again. Then it all dawned back on her. Elsa didn’t know if it was remorse or fear. She didn’t feel much actually, except from the heartbreak.
“What did you do to me?” she asked but no answer came. No comfort. "Turns out it was me who was not enough."
Her words were absorbed into the silence along with everything else.
Elsa tried to pinpoint the way all of this had started going downhill for the millionth time. She knew she needed it. She knew that if she found the culprit she would be able to understand where her faults lay, but it was difficult to just go back in time and say: Yes! There it is! That’s the moment!
No matter how much her therapist had tried to make her move on from it, she couldn’t. And she had to. After all the sessions she had been through the only thing she had found was torment. She didn’t find it difficult to relive the whole story again and again. It was so burnt in her memory that any moment was good to start as a talking point and she could go from there on. And from there all the memories would come back one by one like pieces of a puzzle.
And yet…
If she tried to remember a moment in which she had really, truly been happy… oh, that was simple. It came to mind as if it had been behind her eyes from the beginning. She sighed in longing as if that moment had never passed and yet she felt it slipping through her fingers like water.
Of course the doctor would never know what lies behind it and maybe that was the reason the therapy had simply not worked for her.
At some point she started feeling dizzy and decided that sleeping in the bathtub was just not worth it, so she got up and wore her blue striped pajamas. She walked around the house and then something clicked in her head. She stared at the closet, biting her lips.
She had kept some pictures of her in there but, even if they were originally meant for that purpose, at some point Elsa had found out that they were not enough. Not only did they feed her nostalgia, but also her heartbreak. She was lost forever. And looking at those pictures made her just angrier and resentful.
So she shook her head and took herself tiredly to bed. She hated those memories, despised them, but… in the end she would have done all of this again, back from the beginning, just to see her again.
Past.
"How do they taste?" Anna asked, her voice full of hope, sitting in front of Elsa at the counter. Elsa turned the potatoes around her plate. They were lumpy, full of cheese and a bit too liquidy. A bizarre combination, but Elsa said nothing. Anna made them for her, so she wasn't going to complain. She filled her mouth with a spoon and was surprised to find out that even if the consistency was not there yet, they were actually good.
"You did a good job," she said, eating another mouthful and Anna smiled at her proudly, starting to eat some herself. They hadn't had dinner together and alone in a lifetime. Elsa had to admit she missed this. She licked her lips and kept on eating in silence. "Mom would be proud."
"I hope. It's her recipes we are dissacrating here, after all," she said, licking her spoon like she was famished and Elsa chuckled. She was so funny-looking at times. Her brat. Her dork. She pulled in, to clean her sister's cheek with her thumb. She was able to eat with her whole face. Anna leaned in to lick Elsa's thumb clean and then went back to her plate without realizing Elsa’s cheeks had become a violent magenta for a moment. "It’s missing something, though. Mom's one tasted different," she said.
"Cinnamon." Elsa replied and for a long moment Anna stared at her as if she had grown another head.
"It's not in the book," Anna retorted venomously with a glare. How could she know after all? When mom died she was so little. Elsa remembered that with a pang of nostalgia. Those were wonderful times.
"Mom never put her secret ingredients in the book," Elsa explained, lowering her gaze to the liquid mashed potatoes. "Nor did she write all the passages. That way she could lend the book and her secrets would still be secrets. You should have seen Aunt Primrose go mad over the strawberry pie. She was furious. She was damn sure she did everything perfectly. She didn’t know." Anna looked at her in confusion, but after a second she nodded.
"That makes sense… but I wouldn’t do that to you," Anna murmured sadly. Elsa was not sure it made sense, but it was what it was. "You know every recipe's secret ingredient?" The redhead asked and Elsa was sad to shake her head. “Then how do you know mashed potatoes’ is cinnamon?” Elsa opened her mouth and then decided that yes, if she wanted to help Anna learn, she should spill the beans.
“Because I told her to put it in there. She invented the recipe for me. That was my favorite,” she confessed and Anna gasped. She got up and retrieved the book, opening it at the exact same page of the recipe. Then scurried to search for a pen. “What are you doing?”
“I want it. Tell me what’s missing?” Her voice came from the other room and then, five minutes later, back she was, with one of the expensive pens their father owned. Elsa was immediately filled with a sense of agony. Those pens cost a fortune and Anna was nibbling mindlessly at it. She wanted to say something but she knew her sister wouldn't have cared. She sat messily back on her stool and looked at Elsa in patient waiting. She pulled back her gorgeous auburn hair from her forehead to see better and smiled at her. Elsa’s defenses fell at once.
“Okay,” the blonde said, sitting still and leaned in as much as she could to see the recipe. She asked for the pen and started scribbling what came to mind, directly on the book. It was sacrilegious; she knew. But Anna would have lost any paper or post-it, so it had to be done. “You have to put half the milk dosage. Otherwise it will end up liquid and in the end you have to add a little bit of butter to take away the lumps,” Anna listened to her carefully.
“How convenient. If you knew that, why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
“I remembered that when I tasted it,” Elsa confessed in all sincerity. “And to be fair, I’m not sure this is all of it anyway. Mom used to improvise.” She turned the book so Anna could read it. Anna looked at it and concentrated, biting her lips. She looked worried now and Elsa could understand why. She had chosen to walk willingly into a minefield.
“Do you remember any other recipe?” Anna asked and Elsa sighed and shook her head.
“Not like this one, but don’t worry. I’m sure we will figure them out together,” she said and Anna believed her. She grinned and launched herself across the aisle to kiss her cheek in deep thankfulness. “Watch it! You are going to shower yourself with potatoes!” Elsa hissed, quickly pulling away Anna’s plate from under her. They both laughed, while Anna showered Elsa’s face with kisses. “Okay, okay, I get it. Now let’s finish eating. I’m tired. The plane was hell,” she murmured and only then Anna calmed down and sat back at her place.
“I’m so glad you came back. This wouldn’t have worked without you,” Anna said absentmindedly, but that touched Elsa in a pleasant way. Anna valued the time they spent together and that was the most important thing for her. That was the reason why she came back after all.
“I’m glad too,” she resolved, smiled gently, then pointed at the food. “Now eat. It’s getting cold.” Anna obeyed and filled her face with spoonfuls of puree. Elsa then sighed sadly, realizing something was missing. “You know… If I had that camera now, we could take a picture. This is a moment that will never come back. My snowflake’s first recipe ever.” She bit her lips and stared at the table, while Anna stared at her in worry, placing back down her fork and after a moment of silence, she just huffed and jumped from the stool again. “Anna…” She just couldn’t avoid being all over the place!
“I know! I know! But… I'll be right back, okay?” And just like that she ran away. Elsa found herself having dinner alone. It took Anna nearly ten minutes to come back. Elsa could hear her destroying her room on the first floor and when she was finally back she was disheveled as if she had fought with a grizzly. Elsa bit her lips to hide her smile. What had she been doing? “I have something for you,” Anna sang, approaching her with her hands behind her back.
“What is it?” Elsa asked amusedly, leaning in to try and peek behind her shoulders. Anna shook her face with the most seducing grin she had ever mastered.
“You have to close your eyes…”
“Seriously?” Elsa asked, but Anna was no compromise person. So Elsa had to bend. She sighed and closed her eyes. Anna walked around the counter and reinforced it, pressing a hand above her eyes, so she wouldn’t cheat. Elsa groaned. Why this secrecy all of a sudden? And then Anna took one of her hands and placed it on a cubic box. Elsa smiled brightly at her, even if she couldn’t see her. “A present?”
“I wanted to give it to you for your birthday, but I think now will be a good moment to use it.” Anna said and Elsa laughed. “I haven’t had the time to wrap it though, so this will have to do.”
“Is it one of those disposable cameras?” she asked, reading exactly where her sister wanted to go. She was so cute. She had expected Anna to do something like this. She was nice enough to come up with something that made her happy anyway.
“Are you ready?” Anna asked and as Elsa nodded, she took away her hand. Elsa opened her eyes, but when they fixed on the box, her smile fell and horror filled her. She turned to look at Anna with a stare that could kill. Her heart falling into her shoes. And Anna noticed, because her smile faltered a little too. “You don’t like it…” she breathed nervously. Elsa stared at the box again with her mouth open, not knowing what to say.
“This is no disposable camera,” she breathed. “This costs more than a thousand dollars… how did you…?” Anna pressed a finger on her lips, shutting her up and Elsa swallowed nervously, taking a hold of both her sister’s wrists. She wanted to retort. She wanted to know.
“I worked.”
“To make a thousand dollars in two weeks, it’s just not possible. I just barely started working for it.” Elsa retorted and Anna whined, biting her lips. “And this is brand new. What’s going on?” Anna knew she had been discovered. What was she hiding? Anna looked away, avoiding her gaze and then she sighed and surrendered.
“Okay, it was not simple,” Anna started, raising her hands in defense. “I had to beg dad and when he told me no, I asked my friends. One of them had gotten a double for his birthday and gave it to me for half the price,” she said, but Elsa was not convinced. It sounded fishy to her. She was not one to believe coincidences and also Anna was not a good liar. She didn’t miss the way she was biting her lips and her hands had started to gently tremble.
“Is that the truth?” Elsa insisted and Anna nodded, but her eyes kept looking everywhere but at her. Elsa knew she was lying. “You wouldn’t lie to me, would you?” she asked and Anna simply caved in. Elsa pulled her in by her wrists and sat her on her legs. Anna was nearing a seizure now. “You didn’t steal it perhaps?” Elsa asked and Anna shook her head. “Tell me…” she breathed into Anna’s ear and the girl just rolled her eyes, finally surrendering.
“I asked Oaken to give it to me and in exchange I will work in his shop for three months without pay,” Anna answered and she finally relaxed. That’s how Elsa knew it was the truth. She sighed in relief and hugged her sister tight. “I know how you feel about debts, but I will make it. Please… accept the present for once.”
“I don’t want you to do this kind of thing,” Elsa said and Anna rolled her eyes. “I will buy it with time. You should really give it back,” Anna pouted and she seemed on the verge of crying.
“But I want to give you a present! Dad doesn’t let me!” she whined, starting to get really desperate. Elsa thought about it for a moment. Anna was not a kid anymore. She should trust her and if she had been ready to make that deal for her, it meant she was really serious about it.
“Okay. I will accept it.” Anna smiled at her in surprise. “But to one condition. You tell me how much you are missing and I pay the rest,” Anna pouted and looked away. “Come on… let me help you. I don’t want you to work there as a slave. Try to understand.”
“Eight hundred dollars,” Anna murmured and Elsa nodded.
“Okay. I’ll give you four hundred this month and we will figure something out for the rest,” Elsa said, then booped Anna’s nose. “I love your present very much,” she murmured and Anna smiled sadly at her. Elsa knew she was not happy about their bargain, but she wouldn’t be able to accept it otherwise. “I’m so glad I have you.”
“I can’t even pay for your present,” Anna scoffed.
“It doesn’t matter,” Elsa intercepted. “A little bit of you, a little bit of me and we will make it through life,” she said and then Anna hugged her while she leaned in to open her camera. It was a great one. A Canon. Black and shiny. Her favorite brand. She turned it on and she was surprised to find out it was charged. “Do you want to take that photo now?” Anna nodded gently, so Elsa pulled the plate with the mashed potatoes in front of them.
It took them thirty minutes to figure out how to make the self-timer work, but in the end they made it. Anna was still sitting on her lap and Elsa was holding the plate. Not too up, since the mashed potatoes were so liquid they would fall to the floor. They took the most beautiful picture ever. Anna smiled so bright in that photo, Elsa felt her heart flutter every time she looked at it.
“You really are gorgeous,” she admitted and Anna chuckled.
“No, you are,” Anna said, obsessing over the small monitor. “This is the beginning of our fun month together!” She smiled at Elsa over her shoulder and Elsa tried to imprint her face into her memory so she wouldn’t forget it. “I hope it never ends.”
“Me too,” Elsa confirmed and then she patted Anna’s legs. “But now it’s time to go to bed. I need to sleep.” And now she was feeling tired all right.
“Stay. Just five minutes more…” Anna whined and Elsa chuckled.
“I’m not leaving. I’ll be here tomorrow. Come on…” Anna finally let her go and Elsa stumbled up. “Aren't you tired?” Anna shook her head playing with the camera with interest. Elsa chuckled and then leaned in to kiss her sister’s forehead. “I’ll see you for breakfast tomorrow then. Night.”
“Night.” Elsa walked away, but not before turning to give Anna one last glance. She was beautiful, sitting on the stool in her violet pile pajama and her green wool socks, all curled up against her ankles; with her legs crossed; her ponytail cascading down her right shoulder; her big aquamarine eyes; her slender hands playing with the camera’s buttons. Her killer body. Elsa swallowed and decided that that was enough. She had to stop obsessing over her sister. She stumbled away, taking her banana bag that had been sitting there the whole afternoon with a sigh of relief.
She was home.