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“I’m home.”
A warming greeting, a lullaby to a stressful day.
Mafuyu smiled as she walked into the comfort of their home, shoulders finally relaxing.
She couldn’t wait to envelop her wife in a hug, to hold her tight and kiss her 'till she was out of breath. To have dinner with her and chat with her about what they missed for the last two days. Gosh she really missed her.
She had a 48-hour shift… which extended to a total of 52 hours due to an emergency, and it took her an hour to reach home. 53 hours since she last saw Kanade and she has barely been able to call or text her due to how hectic everything was, and how badly she needed to let her eyes rest within the few hours she was granted in between shifts.
Her job was hectic, a price she had to pay but she would never trade it for the world. Making people feel better was her inner child’s dream and she would do anything to keep that child happy.
She shook her head trying to push away work from her mind. Right. She was home, work mode off, and Kanade pampering hours on!
“Kanade! I’m home darling.” She called out again, assuming Kanade was too busy to hear her earlier greeting. She pouted a bit, usually, her lover would run into her arms to greet and litter her with shy and gentle kisses.
Emerging into their home, she noticed the absence of the composer. She wasn’t in the living room when she passed by, and neither was she in the kitchen… or her workroom?
Feeling anxious she took hurried steps down the corridor towards their shared room, maybe she was having an afternoon nap? Very unlikely for the silver-haired girl… however she never texted Mafuyu that she was going out so maybe…
Opening the door of the room gently to not startle the girl, she peeked her head before calling out, “Kanade?”
The girl was in their bed! But… something about the way she lay unmoving made fear creep down the nurse’s stomach.
“Kanade…” She called out again, hurrying to the side of the bed before staring down at her partner. She lay there limp on her side, eyes glazed, lost and dissociated as they stared at the wall. It was like she was awake but not conscious… like she was alive but not breathing.
She sat down beside her, a hand gently reaching out to place itself on top of Kanade’s shoulder causing the shorter girl to jerk in surprise, head turning to stare at who was beside her.
Her gaze locked with Mafuyu’s, but her eyes were hazy and glazed with exhaustion and confusion… as if she wasn’t sure if it really was Mafuyu right here next to her.
The elder girl was at a loss for words… she didn’t know what to do or say as her eyes searched into Kanade’s own. She noticed the purple bruises under the composer’s eyes… When was the last time she slept? When was the last time she stopped crying?
“Mafuyu…?” the girl in question murmured, voice muffled behind the weight of the sadness choking her throat. Her pupils never left Mafuyu’s as she reached out a hand to touch her… to see if she was real.
Mafuyu met it halfway, lacing them together and letting warmth spread down both their veins.
Kanade gave her a weak smile, one no one would see beside Mafuyu after she spent years studying the slightest of emotions her lover emitted.
From all the smiles she saw, she knew what this one was.
The selfless smile Kanade gave people, to not worry them. It didn't work on Mafuyu though, sighing as she let go of Kanade’s hand, trying to ignore how sad the girl looked at the loss of touch because she knew what she did next would be a million times better for both of them.
The elder girl hummed gently as she reached her arms below Kanade's shoulders to pick the girl up as tenderly as she could so that she could set her in her lap.
She cradled Kanade into her arms, pressing their bodies together and letting the short girl’s head rest on her chest, tucked safely below her chin as she rocked them both from side to side. Her voice was gently humming her composer a lullaby, the shared one they both listened to when they were down, the same one that dueted over the piano together years ago.
Years ago… Now they were still together, and it gave Mafuyu so much comfort knowing her love was by her side since then and still is and forever will be.
That she can protect and hold her, nurture and love her. That she can twirl her high in the air in her ups, and cradle her safely away from everyone in her lows.
Today was one of the lows.
It was hard when Kanade was harder on herself than the world was on her, and Mafuyu had yet to see life be as harsh on someone as it was with her lover.
“Are you okay baby?” She whispered into Kanade’s temple, placing a kiss there. She pulled back a little before leaning down to press her lips onto the crown of Kanade’s head but not moving it from there, humming quietly again, “ I missed you so much.”
It was quiet for a while… like Kanade was thinking of something to say before she finally murmured, “I’m s-sorry.”
“For what?” Mafuyu sighed as she squeezed her wife against her tightly trying to warm and comfort the girl, before running her hands through her hair. Knots…
Her hair was knotted all over. It was very unlikely of Kanade as she grew to love taking care of her hair when she realized how much it resembled her mother’s.
Confused, the taller girl lifted her head up and looked around the room, finally being able to connect the dots.
Kanade hasn’t left their bed ever since she kissed Mafuyu goodbye 53 hours ago…
Everything was left where it was… even the pillows which meant one thing. Kanade hadn’t eaten, drank, or had her supplement or anything.
Alarmed, she placed her hands on the girl’s shoulders, pushing her back from where she was cradled in her chest to study her face.
Kanade’s face was so so pale… her eyes were red and tears were still clinging to her lashes, her bangs were messy, her hair was knotted, her lips were chapped and dry, and she looked… miserable.
“What happened?” She questioned calmly, lifting a hand to cup Kanade's cheek to stop her from looking away. She didn't want Kanade to be ashamed of herself to the point where she couldn't meet her purple eyes, she wanted Kanade to feel and see the trust and comfort pooling in her eyes for the composer.
But she was met with silence yet again, causing her to sigh before she started running her fingers through the silver hair yet again, trying to gently loosen the knots.
She waited a bit, and Kanade said nothing still but tiredly lay her head back into the safety of Mafuyu’s chest, tucked away from the cruelty of the world below Mafuyu’s chin.
So with a voice barely above a whisper, Mafuyu mumbled, “I hope you heal from the things you can’t talk about Kanade… I promise to stay by your side till then.”
A promise.
Kanade had promised her this since they were fifteen… and holding her now at twenty-five, she whispered the same promise back to the silver-haired girl.
“You don’t have to Mafuyu… I doubt I'll ever heal from this… I'm sorry for… everything…” the composer murmured back, voice broken and scratchy. She had cried herself to sleep and woke herself up from crying in the depth of her dreams, she was in so much pain all over she was barely able to keep her eyes open.
With a wet chuckle, she confessed under the dimness of the pain in her heart, “One more thing life throws at me and I'll crumble like a house of cards.”
Crumble… more like to be torn apart.
Torn apart and have her pieces scattered all over the streets. Millions of people would step all over her, some laughing, some crying, some smiling.
Her life… nothing compared to the millions out there, her death wouldn’t change a thing…she never really mattered.
“Then I'll pick up the pieces and help you stand up again. Over and over and over until time stops me.” Mafuyu insisted, cradling the girl closer and tucking her purple locks into the smaller girl’s shoulder. She lowered her head pressing kisses down Kanade’s neck and into her shoulder blade, arms running up and down the small of her love’s back.
“Mafuyu…” Kanade smiled sadly into Mafuyu’s scrub, what a horrible person she was… her grip on Mafuyu loosened. “I didn't mean that I'll crumble in… that way. I meant that… I will-”
But Mafuyu’s grip on her tightened before she could finish the sentence.
Arms harshly wrapped around her torso, squeezing her against the taller girl, pulling her impossibly closer. Hands desperately clawing at her shirt, as if Mafuyu trying to keep a priced love letter from melting down the harsh streams of an angry river.
“I won’t let you disappear, Kanade! Don't ever say that! I'll protect you from anything just stay with me!” Alarms were ringing in her head, she couldn't lose Kanade. Not now and not ever.
Gripping the girl tighter if it was even impossible, pulled away to cup Kanade’s cheek in one hand while the other wrapped across Kanade’s body, not letting her escape.
Sapphire met Amethysts. The Amethysts were burning in rage.
She was mad at her… Mafuyu was mad at her. Or at the world? She couldn’t tell…
“Even when the world doesn’t want me to stay?”
So she asked instead.
“Even if. Even if I have to fight every God and Goddess out there for you. Even if I have to go against the world all by myself, over and over and over again, I'd do it. Just for you I’d do it.”
Silence.
“You’re a part of me Kanade… if your house of cards crumbles I'll wither away by your side.”
She buried the girl back into her chest, taking it as an opportunity to press kissed all over the crown of the short girl’s head.
Sighing, she firmly squeezed Kanade’s waist, flipping them down so that Kanade lay safely in between the sheets.
Kanade lay below her, hair cascading her like an angel’s halo. Her eyes were tired, her cheek sunken, and her skin so pale. It scared Mafuyu…
Gosh, how could Mafuyu let her love get this bad?
She lowered her own body pressing her torso against the composer’s, legs pressed together in between Kanade’s own. She wanted to press every inch of her onto Kanade, to cover and protect the girl from the world? To melt into the girl and be a part of her?
She didn't know. But she knew that she loved her a lot, she loved her so much it hurt her to see her in so much pain.
She loved her in a type of love she’s never seen or felt before, a love born just for her and Kanade to sink into together.
She loved her so much that she was selfish.
Selfish enough to beg a girl to stay alive for her, to force someone to take just another breath, knowing the thorns dig deeper into their throat the more they inhaled for air.
“Kanade…” She sighed, lowering her upper body to press her lips right against Kanade's own. They shared a sweet kiss, Kanade's own hand coming up to weakly tug at Mafuyu’s locks, in a silent plea of ‘Don’t let me go please’.
“Mafuyu it’s getting harder to breathe everyday… I can't take it anymore…”
With Mafuyu on her side, it was easier to live. But with Mafuyu gone for so long… she was left alone in her thoughts it nearly killed her.
In the past, she’d never let herself grieve... immediately burying herself in her music, letting the chords tangle wrap around her neck and strip her out of life. It hurt her so much, but it was easier than thinking about the real chapters of her past.
But with Mafuyu on her side, she finally let herself grieve some days.
She grieved her mother.
She grieved her father.
She grieved her family.
But most importantly?
She grieved the little girl that died in her heart, the little girl she couldn't protect or keep healthy.
She grieved the little girl she could’ve been.
The little girl who was stripped from her childhood, the little girl who tried so hard to fight for her to stay alive… to stay stronger.
A mix of a wet chuckle and a sob left her chest.
She really wouldn't be here without Mafuyu would she?
She gripped Mafuyu tighter.
“Stay…”
Voice barely able to nudge a delicate feather, yet shattered apart the finest of glass against the cold marbles as she begged.
“I promise you I will, I'll never l-leave you ever.”
Mafuyu was… crying? Everything hurt a little more now. Guilt was pooling in her stomach... she made Mafuyu cry.
“I don’t want our story to end here, I want us to keep writing it together.” The elder girl sobbed as she gripped Kanade tight, she was so scared that if she let go of Kanade for even a second… she would just fade away…
“I’m sorry...” was all that Kanade was able to reply as she let tears cascade down her cheeks, crying alongside her one and only.
She cried and begged for forgiveness. She wanted Mafuyu to forgive her for worrying her, she wanted her parents to forgive her for being a curse, she wanted the world to forgive her for daring to exist.
“It's not your fault.”
Mafuyu cooed with a shaky voice, holding her close. She wrapped her arms around Kanade’s weak torso to lay them side by side instead, still intertwined in a hug of a mess of tangled limbs.
“It's not your fault.”
Mafuyu wiped her own tears before reaching out to wipe her partner’s tears with her free hand.
“It's not your fault.”
Mafuyu cupped her wet cheek and kissed her, sealing their lips, and sealing her words.
She pulled back from the kiss and stared into Kanade’s eyes, they were no longer lost. She finally found Kanade and pulled her away from the maze of misery she trapped herself in.
Sapphire met Amethysts. The Amethysts were glazed with so much love.
She loved her… Mafuyu loved her. And she loved Mafuyu just as much.
Smiling, she nuzzled her head into Mafuyu’s chest letting both of them indulge in each other’s warmth and presence. She felt lips pressed onto the crown of her hair as Mafuyu littered it with gentle kisses and unspoken promises.
She sighed happily basking in the love and attention her love was giving her, after all, she really and truly missed her. They would have to get up later… and Mafuyu has to nurture Kanade back into health, help her clean up, and take her out for some sun and company, but for now, they were content just holding each other.
It was hard to wake up on most days.
It was hard not to think about disappearing when it plagued every corner of your mind but,
Be.
Even when it’s hard, just be.
Gripping Mafuyu tighter against her body, Kanade finally decided. Even when something as simple as breathing was hard, she wanted to try for Mafuyu.
And even when something as hard as just being was harder, she wanted to try. Hand in hand and alongside her Mafuyu.