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He’s alone and there’s a knife in his hand and there are tears running down his face.
Those things are surprisingly normal. Sometimes he doesn’t get enough in his system before he breaks down. Before the weight of his life, the weight of those he killed, comes crashing down around him.
But its not the dead that weigh on him tonight. It’s the living.
Those kids.
Those two god dam kids.
He let so many others die. They didn’t have a chance anyway. But he tried for them. He tried for these kids and worst of all he succeeded. He would always tell himself it was a lost cause. The game was rigged against Twelve from the start as part of the plan. The weaker districts, the needier districts would never do better than those close to the Capitol. The districts that made food and energy and other such things would know their place.
Any outliers like him would know punishment.
He feels guilty because maybe he could have saved them all. If he had found another way to win, if he had given to Snow’s demands, if he was dead, everyone would still be alive.
If he could try for the boy and his girl and succeed, could he have done more for the others? Or would he just be responsible for a different set of corpses?
-
“I’m pregnant” the girl tells her one midday out on his porch. He knows that means more than she’s saying and the question he knows she’s secretly asking.
“Does he know?” Haymitch instead redirects the question.
She shakes her head. Even after all these years its easier to keep secrets from the boy that just come out with the whole truth.
Eventually, he decides to tell her what she thinks she wants to hear.
“There not coming back, you know.”
He means the Capitol but he also means the dead. That they won’t comeback on her doorstep one day and see her loving her child and having forgotten them. That loving it doesn’t mean loving them less. Doesn’t mean it stops hurting.
“Why did you save me?” She’s asked him before. What can he say? That he loves her like a daughter? That she reminds him of himself? That he put his hope in something?
Its easier to love the boy. Even Katniss knew that. He was kind and charming and a good person. He never deserved any of this. She on the other hand was a wild animal the first time he met. If she hadn’t threatened him with dinnerware, both of them would have been sent home in a box. So why did he save her? Even when he knew that saving her would now mean that he failed all the others.
“S’pouse you don’t know the effect you have on people, sweetheart.” It wasn’t an answer, but it was all he could say.
-
Their kids are his whole world, and he hates them for it.
If he was more incompetent, if he was incapable of loving anything, maybe it wouldn’t be his fault. But he’s a different person around them. Anyone else he would have driven away. He learns to clean himself up when Peeta starts taking care of his kids. Instead of getting bread left to him he goes over to their house every week and has a nice meal. He’ll even watch the kids and let them play with the ducks, chasing them in a fury of squeals and honks around his property.
He's putting himself back together and that means he’s a monster.
He starts listing his tributes names and is shocked that he remembers every single one. All the people he could have saved. He thinks of all those who died in the revolution, but those don’t weigh on him as much. He tells himself saving Katniss was a fluke, an accident that would have happened anyway. Even an old, useless drunk like him could help her survive. He adds Peeta to his list though.
He still drinks, at this point he doesn’t think he can stop. But when the train runs late, or the rations run low, or he’s alone, he goes back to his list.
-
It’s the same dream he’s had countless times before. They’ve made it to the top five. Maysilee turns to Haymitch. He thinks he sees a tear forming in her eyes, but that could just be the harsh glit of the sun.
“I think we should split up now.” said Maysilee. “There’s not that many of us left. And with the way things are going….”
She paused. Haymitch wanted to grab her hand. To beg her to stay. Partly because he knows what happens but also partly because he doesn’t want to be alone. Not anymore.
But he doesn’t do those things. He never does. Instead, he simply responds, “and you don’t want to have to kill me.”
Maysilee nods. She gives him a quick hug before departing and it’s unbelievably warm. He gets a hug from Effie Trinket like this many years later, after they bring Katniss back to District Twelve. But that one is more desperate and tighter, like she’s holding on to something she knows she’ll never have again. This is short and warm like their old friends who will one day see each other again.
Then there’s a new part to the dream. Or maybe it’s a memory. It’s been so long and there have been so many permutations of this dream that he can’t remember what’s real and what’s not. But Haymitch swears that Maysilee leans toward his ear and says,
“Live a good life, Haymitch. For me.”