Chapter Text
Hattori Heiji, setting down a card: Ace of spades.
Kuroba Kaito, pulling out an Uno card: +4.
Kudo Shinichi, pulling out a Pokémon card: Jolteon, I choose you!
Hakuba Saguru , trembling: What are we playing?!
~~~
Kudo Shinichi: Why are Hakuba and Hattori sitting with their backs to each other?
Kuroba Kaito: They had a fight.
Kudo Shinichi: Then why are they holding hands?
Kuroba Kaito: They get sad when they fight.
~~~
Kuroba Kaito and Hattori Heiji: *making loud, shouty gorilla sounds at each other*
Hakuba Saguru :
Kudo Shinichi, exasperatedly: We have a guest.
~~~
Hakuba Saguru: What’s up with Kudo-kun? They’ve been laying on the floor for like….an hour now?
Hattori Heiji: He’s just a little overwhelmed.
Hakuba Saguru: Why?
Hattori Heiji: Kuroba smiled at him.
~~~
Hattori Heiji: *tapping fingers on table*
Kuroba Kaito: *taps fingers back furiously*
Kudo Shinichi: …What’s going on?
Hakuba Saguru: Morse code. They’re talking.
Kuroba Kaito: -.-- ..- .-. / - …. . / -.-. ..- - . … -
Hattori Heiji: *slams hands on table* YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
~~~
Hattori Heiji: Question, how difficult would it be to bowl in a bee suit?
Kudo Shinichi: Not that hard, I don't think, as long as you can move.
Kuroba Kaito: I'd assume as hard as it is to bowl in a maid outfit.
Kuroba Kaito: Wouldn't be any harder, but you'd get some WEIRD looks.
Hakuba Saguru: Are. Are you speaking from experience.
Kuroba Kaito: No!
Kuroba Kaito:
Kuroba Kaito: ....Maybe.
~~~
Kudo Shinichi, driving and singing to the Little Einsteins theme song: We’re going on a trip-
Kuroba Kaito: In our favorite piece of shit!
Hattori Heiji: Doing 95!
Hakuba Saguru: We’re gonna fucking die!
~~~
Hakuba Saguru: *falls down the stairs*
Hattori Heiji: Are you okay?
Kudo Shinichi: Stop falling down the stairs!
Kuroba Kaito: How’d the ground taste like?
~~~
Kuroba Kaito: *clicks pen*
Kudo Shinichi: *clicks pen in response*
Hattori Heiji: Stop that.
Kuroba Kaito: Stop what?
Hattori Heiji: You’re talking about me in Morse code!
Hakuba Saguru: Yes, that’s what we doing. In our very limited time, we took a class on a very outdated, very unnecessary form of communication just so we could talk about you in front of you. Congrats, you figured us out!
*later*
Kuroba Kaito, to Kudo Shinichi: That’s actually exactly what we were doing.
~~~
Kuroba Kaito: Shinichi, we're hungry!
Hakuba Saguru: Kudo-kun ! What's for dinner?
Hattori Heiji: We're hungry, Kudo!
Kudo Shinichi, frying a bottle of ketchup over the stove: *screams*
~~~
Kudo Shinichi: Christmas is cancelled.
Hattori Heiji: You can't cancel a holiday.
Kudo Shinichi: Keep it up, Hattori, and you'll lose New Year's too.
Hattori Heiji: What does that mean?
Kudo Shinichi: Hakuba, take New Year's away from Hattori.
~~~
Hattori Heiji: I love you.
Hakuba Saguru: I love you too. I've waited so long to hear you say that.
*Hattori and Hakuba kiss passionately*
Kuroba Kaito, to Kudo Shinichi: You owe me 20 dollars.
~~~
Hattori Heiji: I haven’t slept in 72 hours…
Hakuba Saguru: I haven’t slept in 80. I’m the insomnia king!
Kudo Shinichi: Ha! I haven’t slept in 90 hours, I’m aiming for an even 100.
Kuroba Kaito: What the fuck is wrong with you people.
~~~
Hattori Heiji: Subs are so fun to play with. All you have to do is hint at what you might do, back them into a corner with a look, or grab their wrist in a certain way and they're a wide-eyed mess.
Kuroba Kaito: What the fuck is the kind of Subway are you going to?
Hakuba Saguru: Substitute teachers deal with so much shit.
Kudo Shinichi: Guys.
~~~
Hattori Heiji, Kuroba Kaito and Kudo Shinichi: *screaming*
Hakuba Saguru: *runs into the room* What's wrong, Kudo-kun?!
Hattori Heiji: Wait, why are you asking Kudo that when Kuroba and I are also here?
Hakuba Saguru: Because Kudo-kun wouldn't scream unless it's an emergency. You two scream whenever you have the chance.
~~~
Hakuba Saguru: Why are your tongues purple?
Kudo Shinichi: We had slushies. I had a blue one.
Kuroba Kaito: I had a red one.
Hakuba Saguru: oh.
Hakuba Saguru:
Hakuba Saguru: OH.
Hattori Heiji:
Hattori Heiji: You drank each other’s slushies?
~~~
Hakuba Saguru, pointing to the wall: What color is this?
Kudo Shinichi: Gray.
Kuroba Kaito: Grey.
Hakuba Saguru, turning to Hattori Heiji: Now tell them what color you think it is.
Hattori Heiji: Dark white.
~~~
Hakuba Saguru: So, everyone, what does a story NEED?
Kudo Shinichi: A character!
Kuroba Kaito: A setting!
Hattori Heiji, a gleam in his eyes, in a near-whisper: REVENGE.
~~~
*at an awards show*
Kuroba Kaito: Can you carry me on your back like you did for Hakuba?
Hattori Heiji: I don't think Kudo would like that.
Kuroba Kaito: *pouts*
*Later*
Hattori Heiji: *carrying Kaito on his back*
Kudo Shinichi: What the hell??
Hattori Heiji: What was I supposed to do? Say no?
~~~
Hattori Heiji: LOWERCASE LETTERS ARE FOR THE LOWER CLASS!
Kudo Shinichi: And here we have a capitalist.
Kuroba Kaito: Did you just-
Hakuba Saguru: Let us all take a moment to appreciate that all of human history, human language, and the universe itself aligned to make this joke possible.
~~~
Kudo Shinichi: What is love?
Kuroba Kaito: An emotional minefield.
Hakuba Saguru: A neurochemical reaction.
Hattori Heiji: Baby don't hurt me.
~~~
Hattori Heiji: You know guys, sometimes I feel like Hakuba doesn't take me seriously enough.
Kuroba Kaito: "Sometimes"?
Kudo Shinichi: "Enough"?
Hattori Heiji:
Kudo Shinichi: Change that to 'at all' and we'll talk.
~~~
Hattori Heiji: *about Kudo Shinichi and Kuroba Kaito* They make a cute couple, huh?
Hakuba Saguru: They certainly are standing next to each other.
~~~
*Hakuba Saguru is in the kitchen and he hear a crash from the living room*
Hakuba Saguru, running into the living room: WHAT ON EARTH HAPPENED HERE?!?!
Kuroba Kaito, looking at the broken TV screen and the remote on the floor: I was trying to throw the remote onto the TV stand!
Hakuba Saguru: And Heiji didn’t stop you?!
Kuroba Kaito, pointing at a sleeping Hattori Heiji: He’s been asleep for the past three hours.
Kudo Shinichi, walking in, oblivious to the situation: Hey guys-
Kudo Shinichi, realizing: Wait, is the TV broken? Why?!
Hakuba Saguru, pointing at Kuroba Kaito: He threw the remote onto the TV stand.
Kudo Shinichi: Come on! That’s the 5th time this week and it’s 2 in the morning on a Tuesday!
Hattori Heiji , waking up to see the situation: *yawns* How long was I out?
Hattori Heiji , seeing the broken TV: OH GOSH NOT AGAIN! KUROBA, I TOLD YOU NOT TO!
Kuroba Kaito: You were asleep! And I always take a window of opportunity when I see it!
Hakuba Saguru and Kudo Shinichi, in unison: But you broke the-
Kuroba Kaito: My work here is done. If anyone asks, I was never here. *dashes out of the living room*
~~~
Hakuba Saguru: Everyone synchronise your watches.
Hattori Heiji: I don't know how to do that.
Kuroba Kaito: I don't wear a watch.
Kudo Shinichi: Time is a construct.
~~~
Kudo Shinichi, teaching Hattori Heiji to drive: Okay, you're driving and Hakuba and Kaito walk into the road. Quick, what do you hit?
Hattori Heiji: Oh, definitely Hakuba. I could never hurt Kuroba.
Kudo Shinichi, massaging his temples: The brakes. You hit the brakes.
~~~
Hakuba Saguru: Are you laughing at that video of Kuroba-kun and Kudo-kun fighting?
Hattori Heiji: No.
Hattori Heiji: I'm laughing at the comments.
~~~
Hattori Heiji: It’s time to turn this into a real business.
Kuroba Kaito: What do you mean? Like, carry a briefcase, and wear a tie, and pay taxes?
Hakuba Saguru: Wait, have you not been paying your taxes?
Kudo Shinichi: I handle our accounting.
~~~
Hattori Heiji: Do you love Kuroba Kaito?
Kudo Shinichi: Yeah, I do.
Hattori Heiji: Hakuba! I told you I knew it! You owe me 100 bucks!
Hakuba Saguru: We all love Kuroba Kaito. You should've asked if he was IN love with him.
Kudo Shinichi: I thought that was implied.
Hakuba Saguru: ...
Hattori Heiji: ...
Kudo Shinichi, looking straight at Hakuba Saguru: Congrats Hattori, you just won 100 bucks.
~~~
Kuroba Kaito: Why are you smiling?
Hakuba Saguru: What? I can’t just be happy?
Kudo Shinichi: Hattori tripped and fell in the parking lot.
~~~
Hakuba Saguru: Good night.
Kuroba Kaito: Sleep tight.
Kudo Shinichi: Don't let the bedbugs crawl up to your ear and whisper threatening things that make you question yourself.
Hattori Heiji: Great, now Kuroba’s crying.
~~~
Kuroba Kaito: Hey guys I just found a new song I really like-
Kudo Shinichi: Is it about death?
Kuroba Kaito: No.
Hakuba Saguru: Is it about drugs?
Hattori Heiji: Is it about sex?
Kuroba Kaito: NO- it's about happiness and peace and-
Kudo Shinichi, Hattori Heiji, and Hakuba Saguru:
~~~
Hakuba Saguru, watching Hattori Heiji and Kuroba Kaito panic: What's going on?
Kudo Shinichi: Hattori is having a midlife crisis and Kaito is just having a crisis.
~~~
Hattori Heiji: A stake to the heart won't kill a vampire if their tits are big enough.
Hakuba Saguru: Yeah, you just catch it.
Kuroba Kaito: Nah nah nah, deflects it. Stake? Just bounces right off. Done. Back to doing hot girl shit.
Kudo Shinichi: Then I just use a spear instead.
Hattori Heiji: You are trying so hard to kill a vampire with big bazongas, and for what? Why would you do that to the ecosystem?
~~~
Hakuba Saguru: You know you can die from that, right?
Kuroba Kaito: *smoking a cigarette* That’s the point.
Hattori Heiji: *drinking alcohol* We’re trying to speed this up.
Kudo Shinichi: *Eating raw cookie dough and nodding*
~~~
Kuroba Kaito: This food is too hot... I cant eat it.
Kudo Shinichi: You’re very hot, and I still eat you.
Everyone at the table: *silence*
Hattori Heiji: YOU GUYS ARE DISGUSTING!
Hakuba Saguru: One dinner... I just want ONE DINNER!
~~~
Kuroba Kaito: Which country has the most birds?
Kuroba Kaito: Portu-geese!
Kudo Shinichi: That's a language.
Kuroba Kaito: Portu-gull?
Kudo Shinichi: Good recovery.
Hattori Heiji: I think you mean good re-dovery.
Hakuba Saguru: TURKEY. HOW DID WE MISS TURKEY?
~~~
Kuroba Kaito: Hi, could I ask how exactly does one accidentally set a lemon on fire??
Hattori Heiji: Microwave for 40 minutes. 😔
Kudo Shinichi: Why were you microwaving a lemon???
Hattori Heiji: I read boiling lemons helps cover up up bad smells (I wanted to cover up the scent of burnt oranges) but I didn't own any pots.
Hakuba Saguru: Did you burn an orange too? How???
Hattori Heiji: Microwave for 40 minutes. 😔
~~~
Kuroba Kaito: I'm so happy, I could kiss you!
Kudo Shinichi: Um...Neat.
*later*
Kudo Shinichi, lying face down on his bed: I said "Neat," Hakuba. Who the fuck says neat these days? It's not neat to say neat but I said it anyways because I'm fucking stupid.
Hakuba Saguru, reading a book: Don't beat yourself up too much, Kudo Shinichi. Everyone gets nervous sometimes. Remember what I did when Heiji confessed his love for me?
Kudo Shinichi: Didn't you thank him?
Hakuba Saguru: *closes the book and looks at the ceiling* I fucking thanked him.
~~~