Chapter Text
PROLOGUE - I want to fill the blank pages of my forgotten diary by writing about my current experiences (기억나지도 않는 날의 일기들로 이젠 채워가고 싶었는데)
2005年4月4日 new school, new place to live in, new me :pp !!! fuck the gojos i’m out! wwwwwwww
Grinning, Gojo put his small notebook—now turned diary, into his pocket. With the growing need to understand his own thoughts, he decided to take little notes randomly throughout the day. He wasn’t doing this for the sake of sentimentals because to him, this is just a writing activity to reign his emotions in.
(Especially since he is someone who could destroy an entire city at the flick of his hands.)
It’s his first day, what could go wrong?
2005年4月4日 now this getou guy is getting on my nerves…
Gojo found an equal in him, though he probably won’t admit that. It was nice to meet someone eye to eye for the first time.
(But it was also the start of something that would soon spin out of his control.)
2005年4月18日 oooooooo we now have a classmate who uses reverse cursed technique, interesting. bet i can do that too though lololol
2005年4月19日 she sucks. acting like we have no talent. excuse her, suguru and i are literally special grade sorcerers, duh.
2005年4月20日 meeting the senpais soon, wonder how weak they are lololol
A pair of pigtails catches his sight, then a white kosode and a bright red hakama. ‘What is a shrine maiden doing here?’ “Oi, you lost, kid?”
The maiden whips around, already frowning at the sound of the tone she heard. Only to momentarily stop in her tracks to recognize the owner of the grating voice.
‘...Gojo Satoru?’
Fixing her composure, she addressed him with propriety, “...I am your senior. I graduate next year.”
“How the hell are they allowing a weakling like you to graduate?” Suguru and Shoko showed up behind him, glancing at the lone senpai in front of them.
“You don’t know me well enough to judge my strength, first year. Show some respect to your elders.” She frowns, huffs, and then turns around to walk toward another group of sorcerers who are probably also fourth years. It was taking everything in Utahime to not pull that obnoxious white mop of hair. ‘It’s literally just our first meeting, why is he being a jerk already???’
“...She’s cute.” Suguru says, a lopsided grin appearing on his face. “Did you ask what her name was? Why did you have to piss her off?” Shoko asked, now about to walk towards their senpai to apologize.
2005年4月20日 yeah they are weak as fuck. the future of jujutsu society looks bleak. guess i’ll have to carry everyone else again.
that utahime (i think that’s her first name, it stuck to me and i can’t remember her last name) IS a bit cute though, like suguru said. cute because she’s weak, lol.
As a fourth year, Gojo and the other first years don’t meet Utahime and her classmates that much. But when Gojo does meet his favorite senpai (to tease), he pushes her buttons to his heart’s content. Suguru goes along with him, while Shoko gains the privilege of their senpai’s hugs upon defending her.
He has to admit that they enjoy being with that particular senpai, and that he cherishes these little moments he spends with his classmates. Those days were peaceful, he thinks.
Gojo keeps subtle tabs on his growing affection for his comrades—his found family in the entries he makes. A purpose and the urge to protect them blooms within him.
2005年5月6日 haha, i guess spending my golden week with shoko and suguru is one of the best things i’ve ever done in my life :)
and… suguru somehow makes each moment we spend together shine.
.
2005年5月19日 it’s becoming really apparent that i like this suguru guy
(Gojo tries to not think about the way their hands brushed together, or how his name, ‘Satoru’ would roll off Suguru’s tongue in a distinct way.)
ACT I - I convince myself that those days are peaceful even though they really aren't (나름은 그런 나날들이 평화롭다 생각해)
The missions become too much too quickly, thrown at the two special grade sorcerers—them. To him and his best friend. The two strongest sorcerers.
2005年7月19日 aren’t they taking advantage of us too much? we’re literally just first years, and suguru’s technique will soon take a toll on hi—
“What are you writing?” Suguru’s shadow looms over Gojo, as he scrambles to hide the little notebook in his uniform pocket. “A to-do list,” he answers, acting nonchalant. “Why’d you hide it then?” Shoko appears on his other side, grinning mischievously. Looking at Suguru, she teased, “I’ve been seeing him write on it ever since we met. It’s probably a diary.”
“It is not a diary. And it is none of your business.” He stood up, walked away, then stopped abruptly just to turn to them again, “Don’t you guys dare sneak a look at it. I’ll destroy your dorm rooms, I swear.”
(The both of them blatantly ignore his threats.)
2005年8月21日 i’m pretty sure suguru snuck a look. what the fuck do i do now??? now i really need to hide this somewhere else. or idk, should i give up on writing entries?
2005年8月22日 didn’t think it would be this easy to not see his face… i miss him though :(( WHY DID HE HAVE TO SNEAK A LOOK UGH, now i have to avoid him >:(
2005年8月23日 i knew it was too easy! that moron, i can’t believe he got yaga to assign us on a mission together, this soon, without shoko?!? why are they even assigning us missions??? we’re literally on a summer break! TTTTT_TTTTT
.
2005年8月26日 haha… guess i’m no longer single B)
2005年8月27日 ok this suguru guy might actually like me more than i thought because what do you mean i just got my first kiss stolen today??? one day into the relationship??? kyaaaaaa >_< !!!
“...You’re so insufferable.” Shaking his head, a small smile played on Suguru’s lips.
“Why the FUCK are you reading my diary again??? I hate you!!!” Two chairs thrown, Suguru walking across the room to stop him, and his two hands landing on Satoru’s waist. Suguru kisses his forehead with more affection than possible.
2005年9月1日 shoko says we’re too obvious. no one cares, boo-hoo :pp
.
2005年10月5日 annihilated the kyoto sister-school during the goodwill event, easy win :pp even i would feel unfair for them… but our senpais barely helped, i know suguru and i carried tokyo lol
we were hoping to see utahime senpai’s cursed technique though. wonder what it is and why everyone is so keen on hiding it?
.
2005年11月7日 shoko might not show it, but we know she liked it when we gave her a cake :333 happy birthday shoko !!!
.
2005年12月7日 sorry, dear ‘to-do list’, i’m keeping this day to myself. happiest birthday to me ^_^ (best birthday ever!!!)
.
2005年12月18日 year-end party with everyone else wasn’t so bad, enjoyed picking on utahime again^^ wwwwwwww (also got to kiss suguru so… today is truly a win :33)
.
2005年12月24日 there was no way i was going home to my clan this year, so i’m stuck here in the dorms. i was okay with being alone so i told suguru to visit his parents but… geez, he kept refusing. he needs to stop being so sweet, for real.
Just before the year ended, Gojo’s small notebook was all filled up. He knew he wasn’t particularly good at writing entries, but it did feel lonely to part with almost an entire year's worth of memories. He keeps the notebook deep within his closet.
(Maybe he is sentimental.)
Suguru gives him a new notebook, small enough to keep within their uniform pockets but big enough to write daily anecdotes on. Gojo couldn’t keep himself from kissing Suguru’s cheek over the giddiness of receiving a thoughtful Christmas gift.
2006年1月1日 i feel sick, sometimes it’s too much. his love, i mean. and the love he so willingly gives to others too. (i can’t believe i’ve become a person who visits shrines during new years. i was reluctant to accept utahime’s invitation to her clan’s shrine, but it was worth it.)
let this entry serve as a promise to go back to washinomiya shrine next new year! with shoko, utahime, and of course, suguru.
.
2006年2月2日 i’d be damned if i didn’t ask about suguru’s birthday last year, phew. hope he likes the surprise tomorrow >_< !!! i’m so nervous…
2006年2月3日 he liked it TTT_TTT happy birthday suguru !!!
.
2006年2月14日 the only one that actually bothered to give us gifts on valentine’s was utahime lololol how adorable
.
2006年2月18日 oh, apparently utahime gives away chocolates on valentine’s as a way to celebrate her own birthday… dumbass, who gives away gifts on their own birthdays??? it should be the other way around.
.
2006年3月13日 since we failed to properly celebrate utahime’s birthday, shoko planned on giving her a surprise party during white day! genius, if i may say so. time to tease her when she starts crying at the sight of our surprise wwwwwwww :D
2006年3月14日 she actually cried LOLOLOL suguru had to stop me from teasing her too hard. oh well, happy belated birthday senpai! (calling her senpai just this once, but not in front of her LOL)
.
2006年3月31日 utahime and the others graduate today. honestly, it’s a bit lonely, but it’s not like we’ll stop meeting them. hope they stay away from grade 1 curses and above! wouldn’t want them dying right after graduation now, do we?
.
2006年4月17日 threw a welcome party for the new first years today!!! nanami and haibara are so cuuuuuteeeee >_< !!!
.
2006年4月24日 got into a big fight with suguru but it’s about something so petty… why does he always have to rationalize the existence of our power? “we’re strong, so we have to protect the weak.” blah blah blah idgaf, i’m gonna do what i want.
2006年4月25日 shoko pulled us to the arcade with nanami and haibara to let off some steam. i won with shoko though, gotta love the free burgers LOLOLOL
2006年4月26日 made up with him, i guess… he waited for me after a mission so we could go on that tokyo skytree date. he’s too sweet, he’s gonna end up killing me one day, for real.
.
2006年5月10日 i’m so tempted to adopt the white cat i keep meeting on the streets :(
.
2006年6月13日 hanging out with the first years is always such a blast >_< !!! sometimes i get scared when i feel this happy. i don’t know why though.
2006年6月14日 shoko gave us prints of the pictures from yesterday, why is suguru always frowning lolololol
.
2006年7月21日 stopped by kyoto today! after months of asking, yaga finally assigned us second years on a mission near utahime’s new place lololol can you believe it??? she’s actually being hired as a teacher… and none of us even know what she can do haha good for her i guess!
2006年7月22日 didn’t think we had it in us to bother her this much… i can’t believe we all slept over at her place without prior notice >:DD got to eat her food and raid her refrigerator for three meals, don’t know why she lets us do this wwwwwwww she even cooked for us >_< !!! seriously, does she compensate for being weak by being disgustingly kind??? lololol
.
2006年8月2日 shoko says she couldn’t get in touch with utahime, but she should be fine, right? mei-san is with her, after all. i’ll have to tease her hard about taking too long to finish a mission.
2006年8月3日 we couldn’t stay still in the end. apparently, they had to deal with a curse that warps time. i’m just glad they’re safe, phew.
.
2006年8月7日 almost fought with suguru again about “protecting the weak” and shit, but got assigned on a weird mission instead. something about the star-plasma vessel. there’s something about this, but… yeah. anyways, what could go wrong when suguru and i are the ones handling it? :pp
btw, he HAS to stop lecturing me >:(
2006年8月7日 another entry today because of this amanai kid, didn’t know someone else could be more insufferable than me but there she was! we’re just trying to save her ass ffs !!!
2006年8月8日 i can still bear it. the least i could do for riko is to give her more time because it just didn’t feel right to take… all this away from her. she didn’t choose to be the star-plasma vessel, after all.
besides, suguru is with me. we’re gonna be fine.
2006年8月9日 i’m never doing this again >:(
.
.
.
Gojo doesn’t miss the irony of how lighthearted his last entry is.
(The notebook Suguru gave him on the 24th of December 2005 remained untouched for a while.)
ACT II - I can't even remember when it started; the moment I was abandoned, it became a vivid memory of mine, and ever since, I have been living a blurry life (언제부터였는지도 몰라; 나를 내팽겨친 지는, 순간의 또렷한 감각으로, 흐릿한 인생을 숨 쉬며 살아왔어)
2006年11月9日 hey, long time no see. i haven’t been feeling well lately, i think suguru’s the same. we’ve been assigned on separate missions more often, but i think it’s for the best.
Gojo does what he does best: become the strongest. And in the process of glossing over how he feels or what his head says, a looming distance stretches between him and Suguru.
(Because while Gojo casts a curtain on his emotions, Suguru picks on each and every thought he has.)
2006年12月4日 visited utahime senpai on a whim today, as shoko suggested. something about meeting an old friend doing wonders for your mental health. maybe i should have dragged suguru along…
utahime senpai said i should write in my diary again, so here i am. but honestly, it’s becoming harder and harder to even have concrete thoughts right now.
Utahime brewed a cup of sencha for both of them, adding piles of sugar to Gojo’s cup. “How’s Suguru and Shoko? It’s kinda sad that we don’t get to hang out as often as before.” Gojo notices the way her hair is tied—no longer in pigtails, a lone ribbon holding her hair in a half ponytail.
“...He’s fine, I guess.” Gojo finds that he doesn’t have the capacity to answer beyond that anymore. Again, he wonders if he could do something to turn things back. Something in all of them changed, and he can’t quite figure out what it is, or how to change it back.
Utahime sighs. She knows what happened, and while she couldn’t have helped even if she had been there, she still feels immense guilt for not being present when her friends suffered so much. “You’ll be fine, Gojo. Getou too. You’ll both be fine with time.”
She doesn’t just say it to comfort him, she says it to make it happen—a manifestation of sorts.
And Gojo believes it.
(For the first time in a while, he peeks between the curtains he put over his thoughts.)
2006年12月7日 we didn’t even properly celebrate shoko’s birthday, but here they are throwing me a birthday party like it’s all ok. suguru, why do your smiles feel so forced?
He asks him just before the day ends, and he replies with “It’s probably just the winter chill getting to me.” But Suguru isn’t the type to get cold easily.
(A back hug, a soft kiss, and a nuzzle to Suguru’s cheek. Gojo hopes that he reaches him.)
2007年1月1日 it’s lonely without him.
Gojo and Shoko visit the Washinomiya shrine just like last year, now with Nanami and Haibara tagging along. Much to their dismay, Suguru was assigned on a year-end mission. Gojo vaguely feels the emptiness that comes from a broken promise.
Utahime notices a blanket of sadness over them, so she makes them pudding before they depart from Saitama. Hoping that the dessert and some omiyage could uplift their mood, she bids them farewell. “Happy New Year, you guys. Stay healthy, okay?”
2007年8月9日 i miss you. won’t you talk to me?
They rarely talk to each other now. And even if Gojo talked to him in the light-hearted tone he usually uses, Suguru no longer answers in the way he’s familiar with. Gojo wonders if this is how their relationship dissipates into nothing, completely clueless on how to stop it from happening.
(‘How do I hold on to you, Suguru?’)
.
.
.
2007年9月23日 this can’t be happening. please let this be a lie.
.
.
.
Gojo wrote in the little notebook for the last time, praying that through these written words, he would stop the unfolding of events before his eyes.
He realizes that he has failed again.
(Was he so incapable of love to keep on failing like this?)
so instead, I filled myself and the world with distrust (불신으로 세상과 나를 채워왔어)