Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

The House of Bernadotte were suffocating him.

It was quickly becoming apparent the Crown were purposely cornering him like a mouse. The small thin piece of metal twisted around his throat and held him in place under the mouse trap. It was pointless to fight, useless to express himself, if he toed outside the line they had painted, he would be quickly reprimanded.

He really was alone.

He had nobody. The people he did have, left as quickly as they came. It didn’t matter what he did, what actions he made or words he used, nobody listened, nobody supported him. He tried to please everyone, but the ones who were supposed to understand him the most, didn’t.  If he turned to the left, the right would be enraged, if he turned to the right, the left would suffer.

He couldn’t do anything right and he was suffocating.

The metal wire around his neck tightened and the heavy silver latch were slamming down on his stomach. His body held down on the piece of wood. The mouse trap sprung shut, catching his lungs in the process.

He was a mouse and there was nothing he could do about it.

The pain he caused. The confusion that had spread. The mistakes he made and weren’t allowed to make up for. There was nothing else he could do. There was only one pathway in front of him to walk on, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t be something he weren’t, and his mother were going to force him. She was going force a dog collar around his neck and drag him along the walk-path by a leash, it was no use fighting. If he so much as says he doesn’t want to do something, there will be consequences and then the only thing he thought he liked would be snatched away.

‘I don’t want to be the Crown King.’

‘Then you will leave Hillerska.’

It wasn’t fair. It was inhuman honestly. He felt like he was drowning. Every day his head would dip further below the cold water, the hand of the House of Bernadotte kept him under and only allowed him up to catch his breath before shoving him back down. He could hardly walk now. He was limping, dragging injured feet along the gravel, his bashed in kneecap reminding him of his bumps.

He had no friends. No cousin. No brother. No boyfriend. His limps were being snapped off one by one, his fingers being bent all the way back until he couldn’t hold anything. He might as well be in a fish ball, surrounded by antifashion objects that weren’t real. If only he realized how fake the world was before everything went to shit.

Wilhelm Bernadotte sat in his much too big dorm room. He used to be pleased with the fact he didn’t have to share with anybody and that the other bed was void of any living thing. Nobody had ever laid in it, not once. Nowadays, he found himself wishing for a roommate, just so the walls weren’t close in on him. The darkness of the room increasing, spreading itself from one corner to another like a spider-web. Hell, he wouldn’t be surprised if the stupid shadow-shaped spiders swarming all over the walls turned out to be real.

His hand quivered and his chest heaved, his long bony-slim fingers pressed down on his chest. It ached. Everything hurt, from the very top of his head and straight down to his feet. Wilhelm dug his hand into his chest, twisting it and continued to rub the same spot until it burned. His breath was hallowing and shaky, his eyes flickered back to the small white China-plate that contained the shattered last connection he had to Erik.

Erik…

He would know what to do. If Erik were here, he’d know exactly what to do, know what to say. Erik would know how to make everyone happy; he would know what to do to make their Mama proud and keep his girlfriend at his side. How did Erik do it? How were he able to handle all this pressure and not lose his head?

How were he able to avoid the mousetrap?

Wilhelm couldn’t do this. He wasn’t like Erik, he was cracking under the pressure of the Crown. He couldn’t be the Crown Price of The House of Bernadotte. He couldn’t do it anymore. It would be better without him.

His fingers shakingly reached up to the plate. His eyes stared at the little frog in the middle, to crown on its head never looked so dull before. Even that spark in the frog’s eyes were gone. The gold sparkles around it, scattered across the plate were plain. The piece of the glass clanked against the China, Wilhelm stared down at it and wondered if maybe he’ll feel something this time.

Everything was dull and numb. He couldn’t do anything right no matter how hard he tried; it would be better for everyone if he weren’t here. If only he had been more aware from the start, if only he been more sensitive from the beginning, if only he had been braver, if only he had protected Simon back then and closed those fucking curtains then things might have been different.

If Erik were still here…

It was becoming more and more apparent that…Wilhelm should have been the one to pass away, that Erik should have lived, and he should be the one to die.

It’s time to make things right.

It’s time to make everyone’s life better. Easier.

The slightest of pressure were more than enough to make it sting and burn. His eyes squinted and he hissed through clenched teeth as he pressed it harder and harder, he then dragged it, watching as pearls of crimson formed.

Ah.

So, it was like that then…

Wilhelm dragged himself back across the bed, pressing his back against the wall and dragging his legs up. He held his arm across his lap, his eyes watching the pearls of red begin to run, dripping along the curve of flesh. A red teardrop crawled further along his arm, moving down towards his hand beginning to touch the surface of the silver watch. He couldn’t stain it and quickly unclipped it, throwing it across the bed.

He gripped the piece glass tighter, the sharp edges beginning to cut into the palm of his hand. More redness seeped out from between his fingers like paint, it was almost amusing really, no wonder they used paint and ketchup as a substitute in the movies.

He almost dropped the stained glass, almost, but he knew if he did drop it, he would chicken out.    

There were no going back.

He didn’t want to be here anymore. He wanted to see Erik again. He wanted to feel nothing. He didn’t want to be pain anymore, he wanted to stop harming others too.

He wanted it to be over already and so, he made sure it was.

~#~#~#~

His head hurt.

It throbbed and made his stomach coil with sickness. Not just that, but his face. Fuck. His face was really burning. It felt as if half of his face had been pulled out. Wilhelm reached a hand to his face and realized it weren’t pulled apart like he thought, it was puffy. Swollen. As if he had been punched in the face, like last year.

He groaned. It was throbbing like mad. Why were it hurting so much? Did he hit his head on the cabinet or something? Maybe smacked his face against the wall? He could see himself doing that, he guessed.

“Wilhelm?” a voice called, and a hand grabbed his shoulder, “Wilhelm, seriously, you’ve got to get up now.”

The voice was amused.

Wilhelm wacked the hand away, his lips twitching – must be a doctor or a Nurse. Since he was still there, somebody must have come into his dorm and saw him. Saw what he had done. He didn’t want to be there. He was such a failure that he couldn’t even do that right.

He couldn’t even kill himself correctly.

“Wilhelm,” the voice teased, grabbing his swollen cheek and pinching it – hard.

“Fuck off!”

Wilhelm grumbled, forcing his eyes open and holding said cheek. He narrowed his eyes into glare, ready to just yell at the unprofessional medical expect or whatever his Mama had given him too. Only, the nothingness inside him stilled. A strange wave of tingling warmth ran through the pit of his stomach and up the back of the neck, all his hairs stood up on end.

“E-Erik?” he choked out in disbelief, “Erik?”

His elder brother snorted and patted his swollen cheek again, “The car will be arriving soon, so you must get up. You’ll give Mother a heart attack, more so than what you’ve done already, little brother.”

“Huh?”

Erik pulled back and Wilhelm struggled to sit up. Moving made his face hurt even more and he groaned into his hands, his eyes frantically following his elder brother.

“What-What happened?”

“You don’t remember?” Erik questioned, raising an eyebrow as he straightened out a set of clothes on a hanger, “You didn’t get headbutted that hard, did you?”

“Headbutt? What are you talking about?”

The eldest brother of Bernadotte smirked, “Nice try getting out of this. You remember what Mother said yesterday. Now come on, get up, we’ve got to be on the road in less than an hour.”

Mouth opening but then shutting, Wilhelm stared wide-eyed after his brother. He stumbled off the bed when Erik moved to leave the room, a panic like no other running through at the thought of his brother leaving.

“Wait, don’t go!”

Erik looked back at him, “Wilhelm, we’re not little kids anymore. I’m not going to dress you.”

“What – I…” he trailed off and looked down at himself, finding that he was practically naked other than a pair of blue boxershorts, “Oh, er, right.”

“I’ll wait for you in the hall. We don’t have long to eat thought, since somebody decided to sleep in.”

Wilhelm slowly nodded, watching as Erik finally left. He knew his brother were teasing him, but he wanted to cry. His eyes were already itching with the urge to let the tears run, but he blinked them dry. Slowly, he tilted his head back to the bed and noticed it were his bed. His old bed back in the royal castle, the bed he had slept in before being sent to the boarding school.

It was his room too.

Much messier than the last time he was in said room, things thrown around like that time he threw a tantrum. It felt so long ago now, but right after his mother had informed him of being sent to Hillerska and forced him to make that speech for forgiveness, Wilhelm had stormed up into the room and practically trashed it. He felt an odd pang of regret now, his eyes scanning the mess, he pitted the maid…which made him pick up as much as he could.

His mother had that cold look in her eye, if he remembered correctly. Loving her country first, as always, Erik second and him last. Always him last.

The clothing laid out on the bed; those were the clothes he wore when he went to Hillerska for the first time. His first day. Erik had taken him there, spent the day with him before leaving…it had been the last time Wilhelm had seen him in person before the accident.

Oh, why didn’t he just go home for the holidays? Like Erik asked? He should have, but…but he wanted to get to know Simon more…and well, he couldn’t take that back because Simon will always be important to him, just as Erik were. But Wilhelm wished he had tried to go see him instead of ignoring him and only used facetime.

Wilhelm grabbed his phone; he forced it to open and felt his breath become trapped in his throat. The warm glow of the screen lit up his battered face, showing him the date. A date that couldn’t be right because it told him it was last year, before he enrolled into Hillerska. And not just that, the date is telling him it was two days after the stupid fight.

As he swiped up to unlock his phone, he immediately saw the stupid berried of memes, jokes and news articles. That’s right. He had been scrolling through the media before he dozed off after the speech. He had read everything said about him and had struggled through the first of many intense panic attacks.

‘Baby prince don’t take no shit!’

‘I didn’t pick the thug life! The thug life picked me!’

He grimaced as he closed all the tabs down and dropped the phone to his bed. His eyes raised to stare across the room into the cracked mirror which would be replaced within the day. He inhaled sharply upon seeing a slightly younger and beaten-up face staring back at him. The curtains of hair framed his forehead, confirming it were uncut somehow.

“This shouldn’t be possible,” he muttered with a shake of the head, “I must be dead.”

His attempt must have worked because there was no way he had woken up here. Everything that happened couldn’t have been a dream. Erik’s accident, Hillerska, the parting, drugs, August couldn’t have been a dream.

Simon was not a dream.  

He was real. It happened. Wilhelm still felt the warmth of his body under his fingertips and the tingle of their lips. He still felt the ache of failing Simon, of letting him down and screwing everything up.

It wasn’t a dream, it was real. He knows it were. So how was he here? In 2021? The month on his phone read it were the end of August. September was just around the corner.

How were this possible? Were this a second chance?

A second chance at everything.

~#~#~#~

During breakfast, Wilhelm couldn’t stop staring. He must have made Erik uncomfortable because his elder brother eventually made a face at him and even teased him when they did get into the car.

It was strange really. Everything was happening like clockwork, it’s weird that he knew what we’re going to happen. Even when Erik tried to make small talk, Wilhelm couldn’t help but be awkward and nervous. He tried to seem like everything were fine, but he couldn’t hide anything from his brother. He’s sure Erik’s picked up on it. Weather Erik put it up to him going to the boarding school and the situation or not were up in the air.

They drove through the town of Bjärstad and Wilhelm found himself twisting in the direction of Simon’s house. He wondered if he could spot said boy and felt a strong wave of disappointment when he couldn’t. Erik was looking at him with a smile when Wilhelm righted himself back in the passenger seat.

“Curious?”

“Um, yeah,” he tried to seem uninterested, but it was quite the opposite, “Seem lively.”

Erik snorted with a laugh, “Lively. Right.”

Wilhelm tried to hide the pink in his cheeks. He twisted his arm over his knees and pushed his hand over his cheeks, his eyes trailing towards the town of Bjärstad again. He called it lively. There were so many words he could have said, warm, cosy or even homy. But he picked the word lively? There was nobody out on the streets, empty. There was no sign of anybody which would have given the impression of lively.

Still, Wilhelm gazed after Bjärstad in the mirror as it shrunk away. Eventually they pulled up in front of the familiar white building lined with blue at the bottom, wooden window frames and doors. Looking up at it, a sort of home sense came over him, but it quickly was overshadowed with fear.

Entering the Forest Ridge House, the boy’s dormitory of Hillerska, meant leaving Erik. It meant Erik would get caught up in an accident for driving too fast and Wilhelm weren’t sure if he could handle the death of his brother again. It broke him once; he didn’t know if he could do it again.

Maybe this were a nightmare. A punishment for taking his life. Forced to relive Erik’s death again. Who’s to say that once he was forced to live through it again, he won’t just wake up again with Erik preparing to take him to Hillerska. What if it just happened repeatedly?

He couldn’t handle it again if Erik died again.

Wilhelm couldn’t bare hearing his mother’s voice on that phone again, telling him about Erik’s accident. No, he couldn’t handle it, it would destroy him. But what if he doesn’t wake up in this morning again, and instead everything happened as it did before? What if he became the Crown Prince again and his life is ruined again, he wouldn’t be able to stand it again. Not when it shattered him once again.

The House of Bernadotte would put him back into that mouse trap and it would be over for him, all over again.

What if he hurts Simon again?

What if he lets Simon down again?

“Hey,” Erik’s voice broke him from his thoughts, “Are you okay? You’re looking green in the face. Are you feeling sick?”

Wilhelm inhaled deeply, “Just nervous.”

“It won’t be that bad, you’ll see. I grantee you will make a bunch of friends.”

He wasn’t wrong. Just not the right friends, he supposed. Wilhelm weren’t even sure if he could call them friends, every person he thought he made a friend ended up leaving him. Like Alexander, Willhelm did like him and did see him as a friend, but he screwed him over. Alexander was nothing person he failed.

“Besides, August will be there. He’ll take care of you.”

He scoffed at that.

Erik glanced at him from the corner of his eye, “What’s that face for?”

“Nothing,” Wilhelm shrugged, “I don’t know him very well, so I don’t want to put all the burden on him. I’ll be more independent.”

A laugh escaped his brother, “That’s very grown up of you. Colour me surprised.”

“No,” he fidgeted, “I’m serious. I’m going to…to be more serious, I promise. I won’t be, er, a burden anymore.”

“That’s good and all,” Erik began, his lips curling crookedly, “But don’t lose yourself. There’s no hurry to grow up right away. It’s great you want to be more mature but remember to work on yourself first. It’s okay to have fun, just…don’t go overboard and headbutt somebody.”

Wilhelm bit back a smirk at the obvious tease-jab at the end, but he couldn’t ignore the irony of the words. Trying not to grow up too fast and everything. He didn’t have a choice. He was forced to grow up quickly when Erik died. He wasn’t allowed a say and had to become the next Crown Prince.

Life was painfully unfair.

“It’s a pleasure to see the Crown Prince again.”

Wilhelm pushed the door to the car shut gently. His eyes flickering as he looked over at the Headmistress and, of course, August at her side. He had to bite down on his bottom lip not to just headbutt his second cousin, not after what Erik just told him.

“Great to see you too, Anette,” Erik said kindly, becoming the Crown Prince and not the brother quickly.

Anette, the gentle woman that made Hillerska Boarding school run. She tried her best but had little idea on what her students were up too. Wilhelm couldn’t imagine being in such a position. Imagine having to deal with The House of Bernadotte messing with your school, your baby, something you put your heart and soul into. Wilhelm didn’t realize how much she loved her school until now, shaking her hand and generally seeing the old but wise look in her eye.

Maybe he should have come to her for help and advice more often. He wondered what would have happened if he did sort her out for help? The House of Bernadotte did leave him in her hands after all and well, honestly, he made this year very difficult for her.

“Wilhelm!” August chimed in quickly, stepping forward and grabbing his hand firmly, “It’s great to see you again.”

His eye twitched and Wilhelm wanted to rip his hand out of August’s hand. He straightened his back and forced that strain smile again, because if he did punch August in the face for all the things he would do, he probably would be dragged away and locked away labelled as crazy.

‘You were supposed to be there for me! You were supposed to be on my side and help me!’

Wilhelm had to swallow the words down. His own voice echoing through his head, and he wondered if he would throw up. His nostrils flare as the taste of barf almost crawled its way up his throat.

“Let me have a look. You can hardly see it.”

It took everything in him not to pull away when August touched his face. The swelling had gone down. At least Erik seemed to notice the uncomfortableness oozing out of him and patted him on the shoulder in a professional way of comfort.

“Alexander Brage, Son of Ulf Brage, owner of Brage Investments,” August said with his hands in his pockets, the younger boy running up to his side, “Manners, Alexander.”

The boy flushed sheepishly, “H-Hi.”

Wilhelm did smile, “Nice to meet you, Alexander.”

Maybe this time they could be real friends. Maybe this time, he could help him and make him not be August’s lap dog. Alexander seemed to relax at that, but August still made that awful gesture for the younger boy to grab Wilhelm’s suitcase again.

“Shall we head inside?”

“Sure.”

Wilhelm frowned as Eric quickly moved towards August, throwing an arm over August’s shoulders. It really was disgusting honestly, how much Eric cared for the other boy. Especially knowing what August is capable off and the things he did, how August ruined his life. How his own family decided to protect August over him.

“So excited to be back!”

“It’s awesome seeing you!”

Sighing, Wilhelm turned around in time to see Alexander pulling his suitcase along. Wilhelm never realized how big it was and how small Alexander were. Of course, he realized. Alexander and Simon were minorities and the awful realization that if he didn’t love Simon so much, they would have sold both off.

It was disgusting. It was evil.

He won’t let that happen.

“It’s okay,” he said quickly, “I can hold it myself, honestly. I feel better if I did.”

Due to taking Alexander by surprise, approaching him quickly and taking his suitcase gently, he was successfully able to take it from the boy. Unlike last time, where Alexander was very reluctant to hand the suitcase over, he stepped back look awkward and sheepish. So, Wilhelm kindly patted him on the shoulder like he had done in the past when he was the Crown Prince, and they were becoming real friends – before it fell apart.

“Thanks for the offer though.”

“Oh,” Alexander nodded.

“Wait a minute. Can we get a short of the princes carrying their bags in with their second cousin?” called the royal photographer, the most trusted new source The House of Bernadotte had, “Please.”

Wilhelm blinked to stop himself from rolling his eyes because he was tired of photos. He was tied to the media, honestly. He was so upset with them, with everyone around him who had forced him become somebody he hates. Who had forced him to develop anxiety and depression. Even now, he could feel his anxiety within his heart, it had come back with him like an unhealing bruise.

He had to be more careful now. Be more aware of his surroundings, more aware of the consequences of his actions and check his feet because he tends to shoot himself in the feet once or twice.

…okay, so he did it a lot. But he’ll be more careful, more sensitive this time…

Wilhelm had to take responsibility for his actions and the actions he could make if he isn’t watching his feet and the gun.

August tried to take his suitcase like he did before. But Wilhelm moved it out of the way, holding it with both hands, sure he might like meek on the photo but maybe it’ll give people the impression he was trying to take reasonability? The little steps first, you know? Because now he really thought about it, Wilhelm never had to hold anything and everyone, Erik included, held his things.

“It’s okay, thank you for offering, but I can take it,” he said politely, flashing a strain smile again.

August blinked at him, but Erik seemed rather delighted that Wilhelm were taking baby steps of being mature.

“Oh, okay,” August smiled.

The photos happened quite the same as before. He was told he weren’t smiling wide enough and instead of sulking, Wilhelm forced himself to fulfil the role they wanted, and nobody were disappointed in him. It felt strange honestly that nobody was giving him those looks this time. And of course, meeting the staff and having to take more photographs while shaking hands and so on. Wilhelm made sure never to put his suitcase down.

It was a little dizzier than before, the flashing of the cameras that followed him like hounds. It reminded him why he didn’t like it, why he didn’t want to be the Crowned Prince and wanted to be just himself.

It became all so real when he found himself in front of the Chapel doors. Heat spread across his face and along his shoulders, just behind these doors is where he’d see Simon for the first time. The sense of generally seeing him were making him anxious, the pit of stomach was fluttering, and his mouth were suddenly dry. Too dry.

The white doors with golden patters opened and revealed the long stretch of room known as the Chapel. Long wooden chairs lined the room on both sides with pillars in pairs lining both sides. He swallowed as he stepped into the Chapel, finding it filled with students just as before, expect for the front row which were empty for them. He kept his eyes ahead, not wanting to look at anyone as went, he could feel the eyes on him, but he didn’t dare look.

Erik for his part greeted mostly everyone they passed and even shook hands with some students. Wilhelm only looked up when he was forced to sit between Erik and August, he leant further into his brother’s side rather than his cousin.

One by one, the choir came from the left door near the front of the chapel. With every person that came out, Wilhelm found his heart beating abnormally loud, so loudly he was worried Erik and August could hear it. He sunk his teeth into his bottom and found himself sitting up straighter.

His eyes brightened when Felice stepped out, the pinch of guilt that overcame him when he realized he had forgotten she were a part of the choir too. But still, they had become good friends and she helped him a lot. He never returned her support, he vowed to return the support, especially since she was literally the only person who supported him and Simon. Only person even tried to help them.

Wilhelm owned her a lot. He’ll make sure to be a better friend this time, just like he promised himself with Alexander …he hoped he won’t make the same mistakes. Careful of shooting his feet this time.   

“You know her?”

That’s right. August had a thing for her at first, “Yes. We went to the same preschool.”

“That’s Poppe Enrencrona’s daughter, isn’t it?”

His lips twitched with a small smile, “Her name is Felice Ehrencrona. She is my friend.”

“Oh,” Erik hummed thoughtfully, “You never mentioned that before.”

Wilhelm shrugged in response. It was better to say nothing then lie because if he had learned anything, it was not to lie. Lying caused snowballs after all.

“Is there anything going on between the two of you?” August asked sternly.

He wanted to lie, just to hurt his cousin but he didn’t. Wilhelm shook his head, “No. We’re just friends.”

August was relieved, “I’m going to marry her.”

“Well, you’ll have to stop sleeping around then,” Erik teased.

“One must lay the foundation while they’re still too insecure to object.”

Wilhelm narrowed his eyes, digging his fingers into his knees. A wave of annoyance wanted to rush through him and bare his teeth like he had when he returned from Christmas last year. He had gone through this petty revenge with August afterward, going out of his way to make August miserable before it had come back to bit him in the backside.

He wanted to make snappy comment on hurting others because he’s seen August hurt people too. He seen the girls be heartbroken over him. But he didn’t, he forced it back and sent his second cousin a look.

“Felice is modern nobility,” he said, ignoring Wilhelm’s look almost smugly.

“Well, maybe you should stop objectifying her then.”

The words slipped free before he noticed, and it felt good to stand up for her against August. He really had to do that more often. He had to be a better friend. He could see the surprised look Erik gave him, but Wilhelm didn’t care.

…his heart skipped a beat.

Simon.

The shorter boy walked out of the door, looking more comfortable in his skin but uncomfortable in the situation. That boyish innocence was still present, and it had never been so clear to him before now that Wilhelm, himself, had killed that. He didn’t mean too, but he had. He won’t kill it this time, he’ll protect it.

Simon was still beautiful. His black cute curls were longer and more carefree styled, showing that he wasn’t so stressed in this period. His face had more colour, were more lively, happier.

It hurt to see that Wilhelm were the reason that Simon lost that.  

He sighed the moment Simon began to sing. He had forgotten how beautiful his voice was too. Simon truly could sing, and Wilhelm missed hearing it. He wanted to get up and exclaim how much he missed him, how much he loved him and that he’ll do things differently this time. He wanted to beg Simon to give him a second chance, no, a new chance.

“Excuse me, mind singing louder?”

Wilhelm blinked, breaking out of the little world his mind had quickly built for himself. The other students were murmuring to themselves, whispering and even snickering. Right. Simon was also the target of underhand bullying. A flare of anger appeared in his stomach for forgetting that because Simon had been so desperate to be accepted, to be included but never were able too.

…Simon was just as alone as Wilhelm…

No wonder they worked so well together. Once Wilhelm ruined it all, Simon had withdrawn from Hillerska because there wasn’t anything else there. Only music, only his beautiful singing and even that were being attacked every hour of the day. He was so mad because he never noticed until now, going through this once in ignorance and having the opportunity to witness it again, mad him angry.

How could he have been so blind? Because it wasn’t just his Simon going through this, but others were too. Alexander was going through this, Sara were, Felica was, if somebody were different financially or appearance the students of Hillerska would go out of their way to squish them.

Wilhelm watched Simon sing. His lips pulled into a smile, a warm smile because despite the issues he was more aware of now, it was still Simon. It was his Simon singing up there with Felica, in the choir.

And he was shining.

Simon beamed. It was lovely. He was smiling back, noticing that Wilhelm were enjoying the performance.

The smile was innocent and sweet. It was filled with the things Wilhelm had taken before and he realized in that moment.

He needed to come out.

He needed his sexuality to come out of his chained-up cupboard. He needed to do it before he’s forced to become the Crowned Prince. Wilhelm also needed to know if Erik supported him or not.

Because Simon deserved to be loved publicly. Wilhelm wanted to love him publicly. No matter what happened, he had to claim Simon publicly, in front of the whole world.

The love he has for Simon will only grow.

Wilhelm already felt it swell inside his chest, because this time, he’ll protect him. He’ll make sure nobody makes his life harder, himself included. He’ll make sure that not even August bothered him this time, even if he had to play nice with the disgusting human being.

Because he really does love Simon.

~#~#~#~

“Wow, I’m so jealous. I had to share a room until the third year.”

Stepping up to the door that opened to not his first dorm room but the second one, Wilhelm suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of doom. His wrists throbbed, ached as if to remind him of what he had done inside the room.

He’s so ashamed.

Was he being punished? Is that why he was brought to the second room he was given? Instead of the first room? This one was much too big.

“Wille?”

Jerking, Wilhelm’s broke out of his thoughts and awkwardly glanced around himself. He got the look his stupid bodyguard sent him, he had to pinch that in the butt quicker this time. Gulping, Wilhelm stepped inside the dorm, a strange sad ring moved through his ears as he saw the familiar large and lonely room.

“What…” he paused, “Um, what if I don’t want too?”

“Don’t want to what?”

Wilhelm pushed his hair out of his face, briefly realizing he had gotten used to the neater and shorter hair cut he had to have, “I mean, what if I do want a roommate?”

“Well, we can arrange that, if that is what you want,” Erik smiled, “But I thought you would have been escalate having the room to yourself.”

He shrugged, “Feels lonely.”

The look on Erik’s face told Wilhelm he wasn’t expecting that. Not that he could blame him. For Erik it probably looked like a whole new person had taken over his brother this morning. He wouldn’t understand the sort of situations Wilhelm had gone through. The year he had to deal with. He had grown up fast and take accountability, not always perfectly and in some ways not at all, but Wilhelm still had to face the harsh world his brother lived in most of his life.

“I weren’t expecting that,” his brother admitted, “I thought you liked your privacy.”

Wilhelm trailed around the room, taking notice of how empty it was. So different from that night when he took his life. If he remembered correctly, the last time he and Erik had a sort of argument was the day he dropped him off? More of a disagreement. He had been selfish and acted as if three years being here were the end of the world, which is ridiculous because three years were nothing. He let the first year, so magical and important slip through his fingers.

He had been so childish, so unaware of what were to come. He wasn’t in love then. He hadn’t seen what love were like and how difficult being in love were. Wilhelm hadn’t hurt Simon then either, hadn’t let him down but his immaturity was an obvious sign of his stupid actions – of the gun going off and hitting his foot multiple of times.

“I mean it’s not like I can’t handle three years, Erik,” he paused, breathing in deeply and closing his eyes, remembering the words they shared, “I get it. Do what the first years normally do and follow what the third years tell me.”

Erik looked more impressed as the time went on, “Then what is it?”

“I can’t do what August tells me.”

“Wille, August is family.,” his brother said softly, taking him by the shoulders and forcing him to look at him in the face, “You can trust August, he’s a brother. Honestly.”

Sighing, Wilhelm shook his head, “You wouldn’t get it. He’s like a brother to you, not me. I don’t even know him that well.”

He didn’t want to trust August. He couldn’t. Not after what he did, filming him and Simon through the window.

“He’ll do anything to protect the Crown, okay? You can trust him.”

“Would you still say that if he did something despicable?” Wilhelm wondered out loud, “Something really awful?”

Erik frowned, “Has he done something?”

God.

Wilhelm wanted to tell Erik everything. He wanted to tell him about Simon, about their passionate and intense relationship, he wanted tell Erik about how August commits a crime against Simon. How August ruins everything. Wilhelm wanted to cry, wanted to break down and tell Erik about how many times he had fucked up as the Crowned Prince and how many times he had hurt Simon.

But he didn’t.

Wilhelm shook his head, “No.”

“You’re being too harsh on him,” Erik sighed, “You can’t judge him without knowing him, Wille. Just give him a chance.”

Huffing, Wilhelm sat down on the bed. His eyes stared at the unmade bed on the other side of the room, it had always been empty, unused. He wanted so somebody to use it but couldn’t use his words.

“Would you cut my hair?”

“Now?” Erik laughed, “You’ve decided this right now?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Still chuckling, Erik shook his head with his eyes practically glowing, “Mum’s been trying to cut that mop for years now and you’ve never allowed her. It’s just amusing that you’ve suddenly decided to have it cut.”

“It’s getting annoying, is all.”

“It wouldn’t have anything to do with a certain Ehrencrona, does it?”

Frowning deeply, Wilhelm sent him a dry look, “Felica is just my friend. She isn’t my type.”

“Oh,” Erik grinned, his eyebrows raising to the sudden challenge, “And what is your type, dear brother.”

What is his type.

Wilhelm knew his answer. It was on the tip of his tongue, but he swallowed name back down. As he stared back at his elder brother, the grin on Erik’s face faded as he realized this were more serious than he previously thought. Erik was always good at reading the room, reading facial expressions, of course he could tell something weren’t right.

He wanted to run away. It took everything in Wilhelm not to get up and storm out like he would have before.

Simon.

Simon singing. Simon beaming when he caught Wilhelm smiling up at him from the crowd. The sweet, innocence that were still visible. Simon deserved everything. He deserved to be loved publicly.

He had to do this.

Wilhelm had to do this correctly. He had to make this move before anything could happen. He wanted to do it right this time.

“Erik.”

His elder brother suddenly moved across the room and muttered something to the bodyguard. Erik then closed the door and returned to the bed, sitting down in front of Wilhelm with that same brotherly look on his face.

“I knew something were bothering you. I could tell, you’ve been off all day.”

Wilhelm pressed his lips together, the fears churning in his stomach. What if Erik is like their mother? What if he doesn’t accept him and try to make him into something he wasn’t? Wilhelm didn’t know what to do if Erik didn’t support him. If Erik disliked him for it.

“I can tell you want to say something,” Erik said, placing a hand onto his arm, “Wilhelm, what is it? Please tell me. You can tell me anything.”

“I can’t.”

Wilhelm wanted to hit himself for those words because he had too. He had to say it. He had too or he would never forgive himself. He would continue to doubt himself and go around in circles.

“You can,” Erik encouraged gently, “I’m the Crowned Prince, but your brother first.”

“What if I don’t like Felice.”

The eldest Bernadotte’s eyebrows knitted together in confusion, “I know you don’t. It’s okay not to like somebody romantically. I’ve had my far share of not liking somebody when they’ve had feelings for me.”

“No,” Wilhelm inhaled deeply, “No, what if…I don’t like girls.”

“Oh.”

Wilhelm flinched. He turned away, not wanting to see Erik’s face as he processed the information. He didn’t want to see that cold look in Erik’s eye, the same look that their mother had when she learned about his sexuality.

“I’d say it’s okay.”

“Huh?” he blinked in surprise, somewhat shyly turning back to Erik.

Erik smiled crookedly, “It doesn’t change you; you know. You’re still you, my annoying little brother that overreacts most days.”

Wilhelm snorted but doesn’t say anything.

His elder brother moved to sit next to him, placing an arm over his shoulders. He pulled him into a hug, “Did you really think I’d love you any less? Is this what’s been on your mind? Why you have been acting out?”

“Sort off,” Wilhelm admitted sheepishly, “I mean, I only really realized it myself recently, but I guess subconsciously I always knew. I guess I thought…I don’t know.”

“I wouldn’t abandon you over it. You know that right Wille? Everyone should be able to love whoever they want, be it male or female. To be frank, if you wanted to merry, I don’t know, a car or something, I’d support you.”

That had the younger brother laugh, “Thanks for the reinsurance, but I am not attracted to cars, I’m attracted to…boys.”

“Hey, can’t blame a guy for being supportive. Is this why you don’t want to trust August? Are you worried he’d out you?”

Frowning so deeply his face might stick like that, Wilhelm narrowed his eyes in thought. August did out him or tried too anyway. Everybody knew it were him in the video, weather he admitted it or not.

“It’s not something I can just tell anybody,” He said, “I haven’t even told Mama. You’re the first person I told because…”

Erik grinned and teasingly bumped him with his shoulder, “Because you’re worried, you’ll have your first love here?”

Sometimes he hated it when Erik was able to hit the nail right on the head. Probably why he made a perfect Crowned Prince. So, Wilhelm only shrugged, not trusting himself to not spill everything about Simon. He couldn’t tell him anything about Simon yet because Wilhelm, himself, weren’t supposed to even know him yet. Only that Simon were the cute boy in the choir.

…but Erik will the be the first person to know about Simon and their relationship when the time comes.

“August wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t out you without your permission. He wouldn’t do anything before you’re ready.”

It was crazy really. To hear how much his brother praised August, like the kid could do no wrong when Wilhelm knew all too well what type of things August could do and would do. Still, he sucked the distaste for August down and only shrugged in response.

“If you say so.”

“I’m serious. Trust him and if anybody gives you problems, when you feel ready to come or not, you should go to him.”

“I don’t know. I’ll consider it.”

Erik ruffled his hair, “I suppose I better sort this mop out. I do really have to go soon.”

“So soon?” he whined, “But you haven’t been here long enough.”

His brother stood as a knock came from the door. That bodyguard had returned with a suitcase. Erik took it with a bow his head and placed the suitcase onto the bed next to him, opening it to reveal a kit for cutting hair.

“While I am your brother, I also have other duties to attend too. I’ve already been here too long. My schedule is late now.”

“I’m sorry,” Wilhelm mumbled, his shoulders sagging, “I know.”

Erik clamped him on the shoulder, moving to stand behind him and placing a sheet around Wilhelm’s neck, “I appreciate you putting your trust in me. You don’t know how much I appreciate it. I do wish you’d stop bottling up your emotions because it is-“

“Explosive when I release them.”

“Not quite the words I were going to use. But I suppose you get it. But Wilhelm even when I am busy with the country, I will always find time for you. You’ve just got be patient.”

A soft sigh escaped Wilhelm, “I’ll do better. I promise.”

“I know you will.”

Ten minutes later, Erik was packing the kit away delicately and handed it to the bodyguard. He then turned to Wilhelm and pulled him into a hug. The youngest of the two practically melted into the embrace.

“Got to say, I think I committed God’s will here.”

“Shut up,” Wilhelm snorted, pulling back, “You did okay.”

Erik made a playful face, “Just, okay? Those curtains are long gone now, you can’t hide behind them now.”

“I never hid behind them.”

“Oh really?”

Pouting as if he got caught with his hand in the cookie jar, Wilhelm shrugged his shoulders hopelessly, “Maybe a little.”

“You’ll be fine, Wille.”

Erik placed his hand onto his shoulder again and gave him a smile. It was in that moment Wilhelm realized this were the last time he’d see him in person. His eyes itched, beginning to glass over and his lips almost quivered.

“Erik,” he began, “You got to be careful.”

“What do you mean?”

Breathing in sharply through his nose, and clenched his hands, “On the road. You need to be careful when you’re driving and don’t go too fast.”

“Wilhelm, I’m always careful when driving my car.”

“No,” he shook his head, “You don’t get it. You must be careful when driving. Don’t go too fast.”

“Wille-“

“Promise me,” Wilhelm pressed, his voice pitching a creaking. His cheeks darkened under his brother’s intense stare, but he didn’t back down, “Erik, it’s important to me. Please promise you’ll be more careful.”

Erik held his hands up, “Alright. I’ll be careful on the road. Wille, you’re beginning to sound like Mum. You should be careful with frowning; you might begin to gain her wrinkles too.”

Rolling his eyes, Wilhelm stepped back when Erik poked his face, “Ha-ah, real funny. I’m not joking, Erik. I…look, I had a dream last night and it really freaked me out, okay?”

“A dream?” Erik blinked, “That…I had an accident?”

“Yes.”

Wilhelm paused, picking his words delicately. It wasn’t exactly lying, were it? He was telling the truth, just not the fully truth.

“It was a bad dream. You…you were speeding, going too fast and got into an accident. You didn’t make it and then…I were…I were the Crowned Prince, and I can’t handle that. I can’t be the next Crowned Prince with grieving you.”

“I need you. I need you alive and not just for me, but for everyone else because I wouldn’t make a good King. Especially now that…you know, I’m gay and everything. Whoever I fall in love would struggle with what comes with that, but…in this dream, you died and I were left alone-“

Erik hugged him again, “I’d never leave you alone, Wilhelm. You know that.”

He found himself gripping Erik tightly, not wanting to let his brother go again because…Erik died. He got in a car crash and died. Wilhelm didn’t want that to happen. He couldn’t handle it happening.

“Erik, just be careful when driving.”

“I will,” he promised, “You don’t have to worry, alright? I’ll be extra careful, just for you.”

Snorting, Wilhelm stepped back despite not really wanting too. He sent a half-smile, his shoulders sagging as the bodyguard knocked again and gestured that it was time for the Crowed Prince to leave. This time, Wilhelm didn’t grab onto his brother, didn’t hang off him and beg to stay.

This time Wilhelm didn’t act so childishly. Instead, he calmly stepped back and nodded.

“We’ll see each other soon,” Erik said, “I’ll call you later, okay?”

“Yeah.”

…and then, his big brother was gone. Leaving Wilhelm alone in the too big dorm room. His eyes moved back to the bed across from him, seeing it so unused were…he swallowed and forced his eyes from it, stepping to his unpacked suitcase.

The first thing Wilhelm took out were the frog snow globe. Unshattered and intact, thank God. Wilhelm shook it, watching the golden flakes dance around it. Instead of putting it onto his desk – a bad spot indeed. He had thrown it during a very bad panic attack, Wilhelm moved it to the top shelf. It should be safe from him throwing it.

The next thing he needed was one of his notebooks. He pulled one free from the folds inside the suitcase and immediately flipped it open to an empty page. Wilhelm took one of his pens out of the pencil case and flopped onto the bed.

He had to make a list.

Had to write down what he remembered.

Money problems were the first problem.

August’s financial issues lead to many other problems for everyone else. A domino affects which would hit Simon first. He made Simon buy alcohol for him, made Simon spend a lot of money he didn’t have and then refused to pay it back. This led to Simon stealing drugs from his dad and giving them to August to sell, which caused the whole problem of framing Alexander.

For one, neither Simon or Alexander could be framed or kicked out of the boarding school. Secondly, he wasn’t going to let August pressure Simon into doing anything to jeopardize his future. Simon worked too hard to have somebody like August ruin it. He won’t let him approach him to begin with.

…but why would Simon do this anyway? They hadn’t met yet, so he couldn’t have done it for love.

Simon was being bullied. They wouldn’t invite him to the party unless he was doing them a favour. That must be it. August held an invitation over his head. Simon was desperate to be liked and to make friends, of course he would take August up on the offer. He’d think doing them this favour would make them like him.

Oh, Simon…

Well, Wilhelm would just have to approach Simon earlier than he had before.

Windows.

The next problem were his windows, or well dorm windows in general. He needed a blind. At the memory of what happened, Wilhelm leaped up and yanked the curtains shut. Maybe he’ll just live with the curtains shut forever, he didn’t need much light anyway. However, he quickly jolted down the date of when the video was filmed to remind him.

Despite being the cause of a lot of problems, it was still a special night and morning for them. It had been their first time. Wilhelm were bitter that August tainted that for them. He’ll never forgive him for that.

He stared at his writing before adding something else.

‘If we are ever outed, I have to claim Simon publicly.’

No more lies. He won’t make the same mistake again. If he ever had to make a statement about being caught kissing Simon, or engaging in sexual acts with Simon, he won’t lie. He’ll tell the truth. He’ll admit it is him and that Simon is his boyfriend.

He’ll do it right this time.

The next thing on the list were Marcus.

He snorted at the name. Marcus. He was jealous, even now when Simon didn’t even know Marcus, he was jealous of what the two almost became. He sighed and rubbed his eyes; it wasn’t fair really. He shouldn’t be blaming Marcus because the guy didn’t do anything wrong, and Simon really was in his right to try and move on. Simon didn’t want to be anyone’s secret and Marcus was offering everything he wanted.

It is horrible to realise that if Simon had fallen in love with Marcus instead of Wilhelm, he would have been happy and never been in pain.

Wilhelm wanted Simon to be happy. He’ll do anything to make him happy, but he wanted to be a little bit selfish. He wanted to make Simon happy himself and if it still didn’t work out between them, then he’ll let Simon go. He’ll let Simon be happy with somebody else, even with Marcus if that’s who Simon wants.

…but he should be a little weary of the guy, right? Marcus does or will like Simon.

Felice Ehrencrona was written next.

She was in love with him. Had been in love with him since they were young, she had no idea he was gay or that he was in love with another guy. It wouldn’t be far of him to string her along. She had proven to be an amazing friend, which he wanted to keep. He wanted to return that friendship and hopefully help her move on, support her when she’s ready to pursue another relationship…

Felice will support him once she learned he is gay.

He’s told Erik he is gay. He supposed to it would make sense if Felice were the next person to know.

Clubs were written next.

He had to find a club to join. He will not be on the rowing club this time, he refused too. He had joined the rowing team because Erik was on the rowing team and August practically forced him too. He wasn’t even interested in rowing, it was just something to hide behind, to pretend he were something else. Now that he looked back on it, he’s sure Simon joined it due to him.

He frowned. Simon was alone on the team too. Nobody even rowed with him, and he was often on his own. The others had even left him on the lake by himself.

The guilt was blinding. He should have done something but at the time, he didn’t even know Simon. But that is no excuse.

It wasn’t fair.

If his theory is correct, Simon will follow him to another club. Which would be safer for both in general. Maybe a club that Felice was already in? That would help build their friendship and maybe even help Simon make friends outside of his bullies? He could even talk to Alexander about joining a different club too.  

At the end of his list, he had written Simon’s full name. It was a little girlish really, he had placed hearts around the name. Thank God nobody will see this, that would be embarrassing but could anybody blame him? The type of relationship the two had was intense and passionate.

…the main problem of waking up in the past and having to do it all over again…

Simon didn’t love him yet. He didn’t even know him.

Wilhelm had to make Simon fall in love with him again.