Chapter Text
Helen was laying in her bed, swollen eyes, wrecked body, heart broken, empty soul. She was still reminiscing the recent events. Her decision. She was fighting to process what last night meant to her. To them. Was It the rigth thing to do? Was It the only thing to do?
She knew It was over, but she couldn't convince herself it was all really for the best, as her mother kept saying. Helen couldn't even reason about what her life, or the rest of It, meant for now.
Of course she loves being a doctor, the one and only NHS medical director. But she couldn't ignore how much she missed them. Her little perfect family. Except that she wasn't perfect, and she wasn't well. She couldn't became a burden and she wouldn't. They deserved better.
Helen would often find herself second guessing her ability to share her shed life. It wasn't her fault though, she had been raised by her mother after all. Deep down she never thoght she deserved them. She never thought Max could be trully happy by her side, at least not in London. And she couldn't go back now, could she? What for? Dragging them into a drama when she didn't know how It might end?
If you love someone, you set they free, right? She has done It though, set him free, set them free. From the strings that came with her and the sadness It'd brought him, them. It was for the best, she whispered over as a over, as a mantra. That way, at some point, who knows, she might actually believe It. And suddenly she would stop feeling as If she hasn't made the biggest mistake of her life.
Helen hasn't slept or changed her clothes since the fatidical call. How could she? So there she was, dressed in her wrinkled grey leopard skirt and brown blouse, depressively awake, when she heard the loud noise coming from her living room. A strong slam on someone's door, she figures, while sitting on her bed. Fighting her collateral dizziness, due her lack of sleep or the excessive crying, she wondered 'was It here?'.
Then she heard him. Max. Desperately screaming her name. From where she was, she could even tell he wasn't breathing in between his exasperate supplications.
"Helen!...Helen, please! I know you're there." He said as he kept banging on her door. "I've been at the Clinic... they've told me you didn't show up today...so just.. just... open the door! Please!"....
She stood up in shock. Is he really here? Or is It just her mind playing another trick.
A few hours ago she could swear she heard Luna's giggles from the spare room. Her...Max's...little girl used to wake up in the middle of the night craving for water. Although her glass was always set by her side, she would call for Max. He would show up in her room and hand It to her, always smiling, before putting her back to sleep again. One night, as Max was sick tired, Helen took his place attending her little girl's call. She noticed Luna's smile widen once she spotted her. 'Mum!' The little girl said bouncing. 'Here baby, take It' Helen replied grining from ear to ear herself. She would never get tired of being called mum by that small figure whom she learned to love as much as she loved her daddy, If not more. She felt as If Luna was her own, unfortunetelly, she wasn't.
That's why her choice had haunted her this much. She didn't just ditched Max, she ditched Luna too. She thought her baby would never forgive her for that. And maybe that's why she couldn't forgive herself.
She was brought back from her trance upon another heavy slam. Still in shock, Helen slowly walked till her living room, short steps, arms crossed hugging her body, as If she was trying to protect herself. Once she faced the door, Helen slowly placed her hands over It, so she could feel him knocking. Feel Its reverberance trought the hard wood. As If feeling the ressonate of if was the closets she got to his touch over the past month. "Max?" She called his name, skepticly, then instantly regreted, as she covered her mouth with both hands, trying to avoid another sound, as tears of sadness filled her eyes again, uninvited. But It was too late.
Max, who was already hitting his head continuously over her door, heard her whisper. He then stopped hitting the surface, as he glued his ear on It instead, calling her name again, hopefully.
"Helen?..." He waited but she didn't answer. He continued.
"Babe, open the door...please" He said then went deadly quiet once more, so he could hear her answer.
"Just go away Max...please..." Helen said resting her forehead on the door between her hands. He knocked again and she felt Max's heavy pounds from the other side, and It just killed her a bit more. "Just go..." She exclaimed, expecting none in return but his retreat.
But Max wouldn't leave. Not without seeing her first.
"Helen please...I Just...I need to see you...we Just...need to talk..we can't be over like this...I can't...I can't do this without you Helen...please...just open the door...I need to see you...even If its just to hear you say you don't...you...you don't love me anymore...but I'm not...I'm not going away without seeing you...I can't..."
She knew he meant It. If she's learned something about Max over the the years was how stubborn he was towards his goals. And right now he wanted to talk.
But Helen wasn't ready to face him yet. A day ago she couldn't even tell him a proper goodbye 'Sorry I can't' was all she managed to tell him over the phone before collapse on the floor.
The air escapes Max's lungs as he pleads one more time for her mercy "Helen... please...open the he door...If... If not for me then...for...for Luna..."
At this point Helen was already sobbing way too loud to be hidden. Max could hear her desperate crying as If he was on the other side of the door with her.
"Helen..please...Just...just talk to me...I just...I want to know...why..."
Although she owe him an explanation, she knows he won't take any of her reasons. She knows deep down he would rather stay by her side, not matter what. The hole in her soul just got bigger since yesterday, which tells her she feels the same. But It wouldn't be fair to them and she knows it. The overflow of emotions was Just a matter of time now, as all the pain she held inside was ready to burst out of her chest. Although the only person who could keep her from crashing down was right next to her door, she couldn't help but fighting the strong will to let him in. She must endure. Must she? Why can't she be the weak one for once? She wonders.
She was still wavering between keep the door shut or open It for Max, fighting her own reason, when she heard the sound of his body hitting the floor, as his frightened plead got even louder.
"I Just need to see you...please...that's all I'll ask for...please." He begged.
Her heart couldn't take his suffering anymore. Gulping the knot in her throat she rushed to unlock her door, but turning the handle cautiously, as she didn't know if Max was actually hanging on her door, as the bangs sounded so close. But she wasn't prepared for what she found.
Max was on his knees, both hands on the floor for stability. His head down, hitting her door continuously. Bruises already visible among the cuts on his forehead. She didn't have to see his bloody red eyes to know he had succumbed to his pain, ,'cause she felt the same.
Helen could swear she felt her heart twist in her chest upon that sight. "Max...please...don't...don't hurt yourself." She said as she got the door wide open, dropping on her own knees right after to hold his Head in her hands to protect him.
As soon as he felt her touch, Max trhew his body over hers, enloping Helen's waist into a hug that could be easily mistaken with relief, although It was nothing but despair. He couldn't even think of his life without her anymore. This scenario wasn't even a possibility in his mind. If she really didn't love him anymore, he wouldn't know how to keep going, or where to. She, alongside Luna, were his life now. His air. One can't live with no air and he knew It.
When she felt his arms around her body again, she couldn't help but hugging him back, as the urge to feel his warmth was consuming her from inside out, as much as her disease.
"Please, don't hurt yourself." She whispered again, this time in his ear, as she tightened her grip on his back.
"It could never be worse then losing you." He answered as his head remained resting over her legs, as his hand wrapped around her waist, while his body kept trembling.
"Come on in." She said while rubbing her right hand up and down on his back, as her left one wiped her own tears, trying to calm him down. But It was in vain.
Max's body would shake even more over hers and the very realization of her absence as the cause of It made her sick.
Pushing him softly by the shoulders, Helen released herself from Max's embrace. As she stood up, deceiving his eyes on the process, she gave her back to him. "Come" she said again, entering in the apartment.
Max slowly got on his feet, watching as Helen got inside. He followed her, almost creeping, shutting the door behind them, as he walked towards the hardest talk they'd ever had, without even knowing It.