Chapter Text
“Uhm— Marjie?” She looked over to me, smiling cheerfully.
“What is it, Kyle?”
“Can— Can I ask you about like— Uhm,” I fumble over my words, feeling like a bumbling idiot. I take a deep breath, picking at my nails to avoid looking her in the eye. I’m really making this more awkward than it needs to be. “How did you realize you were a girl?” Her smile fades a bit, but quickly comes back.
“Well, when you guys sent me to the girls sleepover back in fourth grade, I finally felt like myself. I didn’t feel so terrible about everything. It just kinda clicked… But, ya know, it's not like that for everyone,” she mentions softly. I feel myself bite my lip, my breathing feeling heavy and uncontrolled. I continue picking at my nails, which have grown out long and slender. I’ve tried to convince myself I’m just too lazy to cut them, but I know that’s not why.
“I.. Marj— I think I might be a girl.” The words felt so strange coming out of me, and it felt like an overwhelming weight had fallen off my shoulders. Tears suddenly started to fall down my cheeks, I wiped my eyes quickly, hoping she didn’t see.
“Thank you for telling me, Kyl— Or, sorry, do you have a name you like better?”
“No, no. Kyle is okay for right now I— I haven’t really thought of— Of anything. Sorry, Marj I just— I’m still not really sure, I was just scared of telling anyone else.”
“So no one knows?”
“No… I think Ike might have an idea but, ya know, he’s only eleven..”
“Well, I can keep your secret until you’re ready. And if you need any help just let me know, okay?” She asks sweetly, putting a hand on my shoulder. I wipe my eyes again, nodding.
“Thanks, Marjorine.”
--
I stare at myself in the mirror, picking at the loose fabric of one of Ma’s old dresses. It barely holds on my shoulders, and to pull it tight I have to take handfuls of the fabric, but seeing the flowery pattern on my body made me smile. Trying on Ma’s old dresses before she got home had become an after school ritual of sorts, it’s been very destressing from all the chaos going on around me. I step out of the dress, throwing my pajamas on and laying on my bed sighing.
“A name I like better… Kimberl-- No. God no. Umm… Kelly..? No… It doesn’t have to start with a K I guess… Wendy is taken…”
“Kylie,” I shot up at the voice coming from outside my window, sighing with relief when it was just Eric.
“Jesus, dude..” I go and open the window, letting him in.
“Watcha doin? Planning our wedding?” He asks, eyeing the dress I had left on the floor before picking it up. My throat closes up, and I run to him, snatching it from his hands.
“Shut up! What’re you doing here?”
“What, I can’t visit you, Kylie?” The nickname coursed through my body, it was like hitting a jackpot. It was the perfect name. He put an arm around my waist, leaning his head back a bit to look me in the eye. “You seemed off at school today. What’s going on?”
“N-- Nothing, I’m just-- I’m worried---” I couldn’t think of an excuse. Nothing would come to me except the truth. The truth could be bent, though. “I’m worried about Marjie.”
“Marjie? What for?” He sat on my bed, gently guiding me to sit beside him.
“Well… Marjie told me.. She said she’s worried about what people think of her, being a girl now.. She’s scared that-- That the people she loves most won’t-- Or, don’t um, understand her, or like-- She feels like she’ll be miserable if she lives how she wants, like she’ll be ostracized..”
“Damn… Well… I-- I don’t know, Kyle. I guess the best we can do is assure her that we care about her, and, ya know, help her out if she’s being messed with. And if someone doesn’t treat her how she deserves, then they aren’t worth loving.”
“But you are worth loving--”
“Me?”
“N-- No, I mean-- I just-- sorry, I don’t know why I said that.” Eric frowns, putting a hand on my cheek. His touch is gentle, reassuring.
“Hey, did Marjie actually say all that, or is this about you?” I purse my lips, looking away from him. This is terrible. My face is heated and crumpled in embarrassment, and tears are starting to form. I shake my head. “Oh, Kylie, what's wrong?” The sobs come out harder, until they’re uncontrollable, and I bury my face in his shoulder to try and hide the ugly embarrassment.
“‘M like Marj…”
“What? Don’t mumble, Ky..”
“I’m a girl…” Time stops for a moment. I feel him tense in my arms and I can’t stop sobbing, and it’s like my world is crumbling and I’m watching in slow motion and there’s nothing I can do--
“Okay.”
“... What?”
“So, what name do you go by now? I need to come up with a nickname other than Jew.” I pull out of the hug, trying to read his face. His expression is blank, almost curious. I feel myself start to cry again.
“You’re not mad?”
“Why did you think I would be? Marj is literally my best friend.”
“But-- I’m your boyfriend--”
“Girlfriend. And I’m bi, not gay like you. Or I guess straight like you. I like girls too, especially you.” I laugh a little, and I feel myself genuinely smiling for the first time in a while.
“I like Kylie… For my name. It fits, plus you picked it out.”
“Alright, Kylie.”