Work Text:
My Dearest Star,
I’ve been informed by Mr. Raff that you’ve left on business and will be gone for nearly a fortnight. I’ve gathered that you no longer want me publicly by your side after our most recent argument but I will admit that it stings to hear of your leave from the butler. He passed along your assurance that we will continue our conversation upon your return but I know the taste of your politics, my dear. Your lies taste like honey on the tongue but sit in the gut like churning bile. I fear you have mistaken me for either a myconid or one of your constituents as you leave me in the dark and feed me shit.
How do you explain your beloved’s increasing absence in recent years? Perhaps you feign some illness that keeps your poor afflicted love out of the public eye, drumming up sympathy while keeping me contained. Two birds, one stone; it would certainly be your style.
Apologies for my response, I should have allowed my temper to cool before writing this but time is of the essence lest I lose my opportunity.
I am sorry, Astarion. The decades since Cazador’s fall have shown me the true depth of how I’ve failed you. I tried to talk you out of completing the ritual but you were too hurt to listen. Too scared of ever being used again. I should have threatened to walk away, should have pleaded on my knees or wrestled that accursed staff from your hands. In standing by for fear of losing you, I’ve lost you more fully than I could possibly comprehend. What we did was unforgivable and I knew it. You knew it too. We were baptized together in innocent blood. Gods, all those poor people...
I have lied to myself so well and so often that coming to the truth feels like waking from a dream only to find myself in a nightmare. I convinced myself that we could somehow do enough good with this godsforsaken power to make amends. By your side, acting as your moral compass, we could wield it against the darkness plaguing the Sword Coast to forge a better future. I was so naïve. What good is a broken compass? I was blind with love for you when i accepted your bite but now I can’t help but wonder if I also acquiesced out of penance. I helped to make you what you are so it is only right that I bind myself to the outcome of my choice.
From the moment I accepted your offer of eternity, I was a half step behind and now there are leagues dividing us. You spoke of equality and partnership, but all you truly sought was my obedience. Tying me to you as Cazador tied you to himself. I need not recount our savage quarrels on the topic of my becoming a true vampire. You, yourself, told me once that true vampires are not in the habit of creating competition. “My pet”, “my consort”, “my treasure”… they sounded so sweet as they rolled off your silvered tongue. I must hand it to you, my dear, you deflected and cajoled but never outright lied about your intentions. I was always meant to be something you owned. You held open the door and I walked directly into a comfortable gilded cage. Though my confinement is a luxurious one, wanting for nothing other than freedom and the love we once shared, even golden chains will eventually chafe and tear.
Perhaps, in my captivity, I am going mad. Though we razed his castle to the ground to build anew, I feel that I can hear the laughter of Cazador and his spawn echoing through these beautiful desolate halls. Cazador is dead and yet he won. The man I loved is buried in the rubble below these polished marble floors. A part of us died with those we sacrificed and we’ve been decaying ever since.
Do you think because you keep me here I haven’t heard the whispers? The disappearances, the money changing hands, the clandestine meetings with the Council? I should have known the broken strings of Gortash’s puppetry would eventually be mended and set to dancing. He did come temptingly close to succeeding and you know his every misstep all too well.
My words have not truly reached you in so many years. I am running out of time and options. It is my hope that perhaps these final deeds will shake the foundations of your self-indulgent machinations. Bound as we are, you have seen to it that I cannot run from you. You would set the hounds to pursue me to Avernus and back if I should attempt to escape you. I am ready to atone for my sins and those we shared. Perhaps my actions will allow you the freedom to consider your own.
Duke Ancunín, you will return to find two things have occurred in your absence:
First, with the help of some very old friends, I have slipped an account of what we are and what it cost us both to achieve it to an insider at the Baldur’s Mouth Gazette. Yes, I know you own the management but let’s just say that someone more hands on with the printing process will ensure it runs on the morrow as planned.
Second, I will be gone. For any love you may still bear me, please do not punish Mr. Raff. I lifted the key from him without his knowledge and will be quite gone by the time he notices. I learned from the best after all. I plan to sit atop the ramparts and watch the sun rise over Baldur’s Gate one last time before dispatching myself. No stake could possibly cause me more pain than continuing on this way. Please know that my thoughts will be of our journey together and the man you could have been, the man who had my whole heart.
I wish you luck in the coming maelstrom. Perhaps we will meet again someday in the hells we are surely damned to.
Sincerely,
Aeterna Amantes
Your Beloved Partner
The Fool Who Loved You