Work Text:
The novice guide to sisterhood...
Don't.
A rhythmic metronome hits my years in time to the prayer currently being led by Father Paul Scottie.
I reach over behind me to grab Sister Mary Scholastica's oversize necklace of Israelian beads made from Olive Wood them were taken directly from the Holy Land. The special rosary beads that most likely came from overworked Chinese citizens by way of the 99 Cent Store.
She looks at me with her typical moue of confusion.
I calmly and serenely walked to the beautiful stained glass windows depicting Madonna and child, a blonder version of the notably Jewish family that came to be known all across the world.
When I reached the window I unlock the latch open the window and toss the beads as far as possible.
Ha. I can only wish.
Tick…Tick…Tick…
Every day this woman sits behind me. She calls me Sister Brittany Elizabeth. My name is Bree not sister Brittany Elizabeth. Not yet. Then again I suppose I should give her a break. The few times she has said my name it comes out less Sister Bree and more “Sss-sr Sss-Bree.”
It may one day be my name, at least among the older sisters. Then again, maybe not; as much as I love the church with every fiber of my being, I fear they'll never survived Sister Mary Scholastica.
Tick…Tick…Tick…
Honestly, has she never heard of Polygrip, Fixadent, or Secure? The way those dentures slip and slide you would think she were speaking Parsel Tongue. The old lady talks about ‘cleanliness is close to godliness”
What about those dentures.
We could make a high school biology project categorizing all the bacteria on them.
Tick…Tick…Tick…
I wonder if we got a horse brush would it be possible to get any of that dark Ickor off the dentures. We could make it the senior exit project for the High School of the Holy Rosary… Convent Community Care, that's what I will call it.
That night I'll go from room to room stalking through the convent and gathering all of the false teeth.
I’ll have the students take samples and Identify the various microbes colonizing each set of dentures.Each set will be labeled, studied, and cleaned.The project will be the perfect mix of community service and academic learning.It might cut down on the enrollment though.
Boy would my parents be proud. $150,000 spent on a microbiology degree at the Catholic college of my choice and I can finally put it to good use
Tick…Tick…Tick…
Dear Lord that sound is grating. I know I shouldn't be quite so pessimistic but, come on!
I am hot and sweaty and desperately missing the point in my life when tampons were a viable option.
“Amen” the father holds up his hands. “Amen” I replied as suavely and solemnly as possible looking around to see if anyone has noticed my lapse in concentration. He moves on to the next Luminous Mystery.
It's 5:30 people. Luminous is the last word I would use to describe 5:30 in the morning surrounding by heat and the cloying perfume of whatever scented candles the sacristan so enjoys. Don't get me wrong. I like candles; but, if I were to choose a scent I'd go with something nice like Chanel Number Five or a nice Mark Jacobs. Not this palm oil stuff.
Tick…Tick…Tick…
At least Cinnamon isn't yapping.
Sister Mary Scholastica took in a dog last week. She said it was our place as the Dominion masters of the earth. I would've treated the dog and given it to one of the kids so that the parents can deal with it.
I love dogs. I just don't like the barking that is inevitable every time one of the sisters gets up for drink, goes to pee, or praise too loudly for its likeing.
Maybe I should call someone; for sister not the dog. She just needs to find another loving home.
Ring. Ring. Hi is this 1 800 Bus A Nun?
Yes?
Well then, I'd like to report someone for pickup.
Dear Lord that sounds lovely.
Tick…Tick…Tick…
You know it's times like this I wonder why I signed up for this. I was going to save the world. I was going to heal the sick and serve the air elderly in far-off places like Zambia and Israel.This is certainly a service but not the kind I was originally thinking about.
Sometimes I cannot help but have doubts about all of this. After all; am I truly meant to die a virgin? I'm wearing these tight opaque black pantyhose at four day in the morning while all of my girlfriends are most likely just getting home in their trashed fishnets and lipstick covering everything but their lips. At least I can take comfort in the fact that we are all spending our time on our knees.
Unless they're asleep.
The only one who's getting any of that in the convent is Sister Mary Scholastica.
They say that ‘when someone cannot finish the rosary the Angels finish it for them” I feel for them. That's to be a lot of work finishing all of Sister Mary Scholastica's rosaries.
…It is silent.I look up to see the sisters in various states of revival. Yet here I am Thirty-One and looking more harder than anyone in the room.
Maybe I wasn't made for this life...