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“I do not wish to sour our friendship, but I have to know if it can be something more.”
Tav is perhaps not the best judge of when people are trying to flirt with her. It’s funny, really, because she can sniff out bullshit from a mile away, and her gut hasn’t been wrong once on their absolutely insane journey. There are a million excuses she could use, to try and explain why in this one facet of social interaction she fails, but the simple truth is it just doesn’t occur to her that someone might be interested in her.
Especially Halsin.
Without thinking, she blurts out, “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t interested,” realizes how that sounds, and then continues with a cringe, “but I’m already in a relationship.”
Which should not be news to you! she stops herself from saying.
Part of her expects it to end the conversation, but he keeps talking, about bonds and souls and gardens and nature. She has to actively fight herself to remain calm, have her face stay open and friendly instead of running to Shadowheart and asking how she might voluntarily give up the memory of this interaction ever happening.
There’s a snicker in her head that sounds suspiciously like her friend’s as she finally extracts herself from the conversation with a polite, “I’m sorry, Halsin.”
He seems to understand and doesn’t hold it against her, maintaining his smile, even if it’s a touch bittersweet as she walks away. Her gait is steady and casual as she walks to the edge of the camp, avoiding eye contact as she focuses on her footing on the path towards the small river they’d managed to find. After all, she had been on the way to wash up when Halsin had asked to chat. Something she is very much Not Thinking About.
It mostly works, keeping her mind off of anything other than the thought of getting clean. Until she dips her toes in the river, peeling off her clothing with care. She notices they’re starting to look worse for wear, and it reminds her she’s going to be able to do laundry soon. She’s excited for it, and to have a proper bath in something that isn’t a natural body of water. As a druid, she loves being outdoors, but a hot bath is incomparable. Even Halsin -
The thought of him stops her cold, and suddenly she finds herself giggling, grabbing at her soap as she wades further into the river. Now that she’s alone, the tension releases into incredulous laughter. That makes what, five of her eight traveling companions that have blatantly come on to her? The girls back at the circle would never believe it. Homely little Tav, suddenly finds herself with a string of suitors. All it took was a tadpole eating away at her brain.
The general lack of attention she’d received her entire life are probably why it always takes her by surprise when someone admits to wanting her. Prior to this adventure, she’d had a handful of tumbles, but she can’t remember ever being so desired. It’s certainly why she wasn’t surprised when Astarion admitted his plan, felt something like sick acceptance in her stomach.
No, the surprise came after, when he told her he genuinely cared for her.
She’d been prepared to take her own feelings to the grave, accepting that she’d share Astarion’s bedroll, or grassy clearing, until he decided he was done. The man flirted with everyone, and she’d assumed it’d been lack of choice that led him to her. Instead, they’d fallen into something deeper, scaring both of them.
It’s not easy, by any means, but by pushing sex off the table and getting more comfortable with platonic touches, they’re growing into something she feels like might be big. Even rest-of-her-life big. Which is another shock, in and of itself.
“And what has you so lost in thought, my dear?”
She stifles a shriek as she whirls around, inadvertently splashing an amused-looking Astarion as he wades closer. “You startled me!”
He grins as he pries the bar of soap from her pruney fingers. “Apologies, my love, but I did say hello. It’s hardly my fault you were miles away and didn’t hear me.”
“I don’t believe I was done with that.”
“No?” he asks, all faux innocence as he scrubs at his torso. “You’ve been in the water for nearly a quarter of an hour now, so I merely assumed you were just -”
“Relaxing?” She hums as she takes the soap from him and starts to scrub at his back, mindful of the scars. Part of her feels like she should be attempting to cover her nudity, but another, much larger part, revels in the intimacy born of just simply being with him. “I meant for just a quick wash, since we’re going to be in the city proper tomorrow. I don’t want to show up looking like we’ve just spent the last tenday hiking.”
“I cannot agree more, darling. Mustn’t have the locals mistaking us for goblins, covered in muck and grime and speaking in mono-syllables.”
She laughs at the image he paints. “As if anyone could mistake you for such a creature.”
Preening, he says, “Yes, well, unfortunately for our little group not everyone can be as blessed as I. In fact, our first order of business should be getting Gale to a barber, as soon as possible.”
The chatter about being in the city again occupies them while they finish cleaning up, and Tav doesn’t think about anything other than the excitement of the new day until Astarion gives the braid he just finished helping her put her hair into a little tug. “You never answered my question, you know.”
She tips her head back to lean on his chest, blinking up into his face. “What question?”
A perfectly manicured eyebrow arches up. “Why you were so lost in thought, my dear.”
“Oh. Oh,” she says, scooting forward just enough to turn around to look at him properly, knelt in the grass with a curious look on his face. “You wouldn’t believe the conversation I had with Halsin on my way here -”
To her surprise, he erupts in laughter, interrupting her. “I was wondering when we were going to talk about this.”
Her eyes go wide as she feels her face heat. “How could you tell?”
“I guessed. The man can’t stay quiet about ‘enjoying the freedom of Nature’s gifts’.” She can’t help but laugh at his Halsin impression as he continues, “I bet he’d outlaw clothing if he could.”
The mental image has her covering her face with a groan. “Astarion!”
“It’s perfectly natural, after all, darling, no need to be shy.” His long, slender fingers gently pry her hands away so he can meet her gaze. “So, what did you say?”
The question has her freezing, mind stopping and restarting. “I’m sorry, what?”
“What did you say?” he asks again, somewhat impatiently. “I’m on the edge of my seat.”
“What?” she splutters, “I said no, of course! I’m with you, if you hadn’t noticed.”
“Strangely enough, I had,” he says, drily. “I would be more than happy to let you have as much Halsin as you want, you know. Don’t stop yourself on my account.”
Something in the air has changed, she thinks, his fingers still wrapped around her wrists as her hands hang between them. His face is open, and she doesn’t think he’s lying, but -
“If I’m understanding you correctly,” she tells him, slowly, “you don’t mind if Halsin and I have a tumble.”
She thinks annoyance flashes across his face before he can smooth it out again, but his voice is still even as he answers, “Far be it from me to deny you such pleasures. I would just, that is…”
The silence stretches long enough that she feels comfortable breaking it. Shifting so she’s closer to him, she prods him, “Yes?”
“It’s not because, you know, we haven’t, in a while?”
And there it is, the missing piece she was searching for. He’s worried.
She sighs, and gently tugs her hands out of his grip. His expression only shifts to concern for a moment before she slides into his lap, pushing him more securely onto his bottom so she can wrap her legs around his waist without fear of knocking him off-balance. “Astarion,” she murmurs, into his collarbone, “my silly goose.”
He’s somewhat stiff in her hold, but he hesitatingly brings his arms around her. “I’m not sure what I’ve done to be insulted, my love. Perhaps you can explain.”
Pressing a quick kiss to the underside of his jaw, she leans back far enough to meet his eyes, those wonderfully dark eyes that she wants to sink and drown in. “It’s a term of endearment, you silly man. I think there’s been some confusion here.”
Some of the worry leaves his face, but not all. “Pray tell, then, what the confusion is, for I admit to being lost.”
“I don’t want Halsin. I was flattered by his offer, in all honesty, but I don’t want him. I want you.”
His brow wrinkles. “You would still have me.”
“I blame you, really. You’ve turned me into a more selfish creature, you know. For all of the grief and whinging you give me about wanting to help people, there are certain things I’ve come to realize I cannot share. You are one of them.”
“But Halsin wasn’t asking about me, he was asking -”
It's crude, but she doesn't know how else to get through to him, so she risks saying, “And you’re telling me that you would be completely fine with his hands on my skin? His mouth on me? His fingers and cock inside of me?”
A shudder passes through him that has her clutching him tightly. Caught out in his half-lie, he buries his face in her hair, finally squeezing her back. They’re quiet for a moment, and she strokes his curls the way she knows he likes, waiting for him, always waiting for him to be ready. She would wait forever if it meant waiting like this, wrapped up in him.
“No,” he finally admits, voice rough, “no, I couldn’t stand it. But I don’t want you to regret being with me when I can’t, that is, I’m not capable of giving you all you need. If someone else is willing -”
“You are all I need, my love.” She smiles at him, willing him to see the truth in her eyes. “It’s true, I miss being close to you, feeling your skin on me, sharing the same space. But that is nothing compared to the joy and happiness I get sleeping next to you through the night, holding your hand regardless of those around us. The kisses you greet me with and send me off with, our conversations, the way I can just be around you. That’s what I need. What I don’t need is someone else’s arms to help me find pleasure I’m perfectly capable of finding on my own.”
“You,” his voice is emotional, and he has to clear his throat before continuing, “you really mean that, don’t you?”
“When we agreed that this would be real, whatever it is between us, we agreed we would be honest, truly honest. I know it’s difficult at times, but it’s necessary, for this to work. I need you to be honest with me about how you feel, so we can talk about it. I might just surprise you.”
“Oh, that I know for certain,” he murmurs, tipping her onto her back so he can press soft kisses to her face. “You are so full of them.”
She hums, moving her face gently so he doesn’t miss a single inch, a wide smile stretching her lips. “So, no Halsin.”
“No Halsin,” he agrees, before leaning down and capturing her mouth for a slow and dirty kiss. The way his tongue slides against hers, flicks at it, draws a moan out of her throat. The sound must satisfy him, because he leans back with a wicked grin. “Now, darling, I just have one more bone to pick with you.”
She snorts. “And what might that be?”
“You naughty little thing, pleasuring yourself without me. I want to hear all about it.”
It’s not really a joke, but it makes her laugh anyway, hands covering her face once more. “Astarion!”
“But maybe not tonight, hm?” he continues, gently prying her hands away so she can see the hungry smile on his face. “After all, we are very close to having privacy again, with four walls, a roof…”
“A bed,” she finishes for him, but she has a worried frown on her face. “Whatever you want, my love. If you want to hear about my solitary adventures, I will be more than happy to share. As long as you’re comfortable.”
The smile sharpens. “Oh, my dear, I think a step like this is exactly what I want.”
Later, when they’re tucked into what’s become their bedroll, with her curled up on his chest after a few stolen kisses, all she can do is hope the Emperor has the good sense to leave her dreams alone. She has a feeling they'll be full of Astarion, and she doesn’t want to be interrupted.
Or share.