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Happy was sitting in his office enjoying a perfectly executed pastrami on rye, when FRIDAY abruptly announced that his presence had been requested in Tony’s private lab. He didn’t even bother asking if it could wait. The chances of Tony being patient enough for him to finish eating was slim to none. He looked forlornly at his lunch and sighed as he repackaged it in the discarded foil wrapper.
With a leisurely gait, he wandered into the lab where Tony was elbows deep in a pile of wires. He paused in front of the workbench and wrapped his knuckles against the surface. “Hey, boss, you rang?”
“Yep,” Tony said, separating his hands from the tangled mess and wiping them on a nearby rag. “I have a job for you.”
Happy frowned. It was easy enough to predict that whatever job Tony had set aside for him, he wasn’t going to like it. He’d already spent the majority of the morning in meetings and the rest of the afternoon had been set aside for paperwork. After his late lunch. He didn’t feel like he had time for much else. “I already have a job.”
“Yeah, well, I have another job for you,” Tony replied with a flippant wave of his hand. “This one’s important.”
Happy sighed, thinking to himself that he should probably be used to Tony’s habit of passing his whims along to him. He waved his hand in a circular motion, prompting Tony to get his instructions over with.
“I need you to pick the kid up from school and take him shopping.”
“For what?” he asked, drawing a blank on why he would need to take the kid shopping.
Tony shrugged and leaned back in his chair. “He’s been staying over at least one night a week recently. So I thought it might be nice to give him his own room,” Tony reasoned. “Then I realized I had no idea what one puts inside a teenage boy’s room. The easiest way to solve that was to let him pick his own stuff. That’s where you come in. You can take him to the mall. Let him pick out whatever he wants.”
“The mall,” Happy repeated. “You want me to take Peter Parker to the mall? Why can’t you do it?”
“Because if I do it, someone will inevitably recognize me and take a picture,” Tony said. Happy arched his brows in a questioning manner because there was nothing new about that. And typically speaking, it didn’t restrain Tony from going wherever he wanted to go. He waved his hand again, hoping to receive a more in depth explanation.
“They’ll post it on the internet,” Tony huffed. “Then more people will show up and start pestering me for selfies and autographs, which will also get posted all over the internet. And at that point, it would only be a matter of time before the paparazzi showed up and ruined everything.”
“Okay,” Happy drawled out. “So why can’t the two of you just shop online like normal people.”
Tony blinked as if the answer should have been obvious. “He’d see the total adding up in the cart and start freaking out.”
“And going to the mall solves this?” Happy asked with significant confusion. “They have price tags on everything, and I’m pretty sure the kid’s math skills are well beyond basic addition.”
“Yeah but if you run him off before you go to pay he won’t see the number,” Tony reasoned. “Out of sight out of mind.”
For several seconds, silence permeated the space between them. Happy stood there, his eyes meeting Tony’s in what amounted to some sort of non-verbal stand off. Eventually, he gave in with a slight noise of disbelief. “You’re serious about this, aren’t you.”
“Yep.” Tony pulled his wallet out of his pocket and tossed a credit card onto the table. “Take the kid shopping. Make sure he gets a bedspread and a few things for the walls. Maybe some decorative pieces for his desk and shelves as well. A lamp. A rug. A ten-foot stuffed animal. Whatever he likes. Tell him to go wild. It’s on me.”
Happy leveled his eyes. “Do I get anything out of this?”
“Sure. You can grab yourself a pretzel from the food court.” Tony ginned. “Get the kid something while you’re at it. He’s perpetually hungry. It’s like his stomach is a bottomless pit. I genuinely don’t know where he puts it all.”
“So now I have to take the kid shopping and feed him?” Happy asked, as if he would have done it any other way. Of course, he was going to feed the kid. After school snacks were common knowledge. Everyone knew you were supposed to feed kids after school. Especially enhanced ones.
“Great,” Tony quipped with a quick clap of his hands. “School lets out in an hour. I notified him you’d be there.”
“Excellent,” Happy said with absolutely no enthusiasm at all. He’d already had a long day. The last thing he wanted to do was to follow an exuberant teenager around the mall.
Not that it mattered. The boss had allocated him a task and being the dedicated employee and good friend that he was, he followed through. He finished what he could of his monotonous paperwork and made sure to roll up to Midtown High just in time to see Peter pushing through the front doors.
“Hey, Happy!” the kid greeted while enthusiastically flinging his bag into the backseat. “Mr. Stark said you were picking me up so we could run some errands. Where are we going?”
“The mall,” he replied, his tone laced with dread and regret. Peter didn’t seem to notice. His face lit up immediately.
“For real?”
Happy sighed for what felt like the millionth time that day. He looked at Peter and slowly bobbed his head. “Unfortunately.”
“Neat!” Peter giddily exclaimed. “I love the mall. Can I get a pretzel? And maybe a hot dog?”
“I don’t care what you get, Kid,” Happy replied. “But you’re waiting in all the lines.”
Peter pumped his fist into the air and got comfortable in his seat. The drive to the mall would be considerably longer than that going to the tower. That left plenty of time for the kid to ask questions. Starting with, “What are we going to the mall for anyway?”
Given the circumstances, he was a little surprised Tony hadn’t provided the kid some sort of a heads-up. But apparently, his plan was to spring a new room and an unsolicited shopping spree on the kid without warning. Awesome. That meant he would have to deal with all of the protests. “Tony didn’t tell you, huh?”
“No?”
“Geez. Okay,” Happy breathed out, He was consumed by the desire to dial Tony and make him do the explaining. However, he was nearly certain the call would go directly to voicemail. Internally, he bolstered himself in preparation for the conversation to come. "This is so not my place. But whatever,” he reluctantly began. “Apparently the boss wants to make one of the guest rooms your room and he wants you to pick some stuff out for it.”
“Oh,” Peter replied, his voice smaller than Happy had ever heard it. “I mean, the stuff that’s already in there is already so nice. He doesn’t have to change anything for me.”
He could see where the kid was coming from. Tony had a tendency to overspend and, at times, it could be overwhelming. But Tony’s love language was gifts and there was nothing that was ever going to change that. “Well, we’re already headed to the mall, so you may as well do what he wants.”
“What does he want?” Peter asked. “Like, what is he expecting me to get?”
“I have a list of ‘essentials’ but other than that, I’m supposed to tell you to ‘go wild.’”
“Wow,” Peter said, a genuine smile tugging at the corners of his lips. “The only time I’ve ever been told to ‘go wild’ was when Aunt May received this really good coupon for the pizza place down the street. I got to get like- six toppings. It was awesome.”
Happy rotated his head briefly to the side. “Tony doesn’t allow you to order six toppings?”
Peter shrugged. “I never asked him to.”
“Of course, you didn’t.” Happy scoffed and shifted his gaze between the passenger seat and the windshield. Peter genuinely was a good kid; probably worried about taking advantage of Tony’s generosity. As if there was any such thing. “You know he’s a billionaire right?”
Peter more or less nodded in response. It was a little hard to read from nothing but his peripheral vision.
“He likes spending money on the people he cares about,” he said. “He just wants to make you happy.”
“He doesn’t have to spend money to make me happy,” Peter mumbled. He turned toward the window, no doubt to hide the rosy tinge that had appeared on his cheeks.
He shot the kid with a swift reassuring smile. “If it makes you feel any better, he bought Pepper a ten-foot-tall stuffed bunny once,” he said. Then, without any consideration for repercussions, he asked, “And what about your Spider-Suit? Do you have any idea how much that thing cost?”
Peter’s eyes doubled, if not tripled in size. Happy was mildly relieved that they didn’t fall right out of his head.
“I’ll take that as a no,” he grumbled. “Probably for the best.”
The remainder of the ride was quiet. They got to the mall, parked, and headed directly for the food court. It wasn’t as crowded as Happy had assumed it would be, which was nice because the kid required food from three different kiosks. While he waited in line to collect two pretzels Peter purchased the aforementioned hot dog and a giant cinnamon roll. Once they had sat down together to eat, Happy pulled out his phone to review the list.
“Basically, he wants you to find a queen size bedspread, posters or whatever for the walls and some stuff for the desk and bookshelves.” He didn’t bother to mention any of the numerous product suggestions. The majority of them were over the top and the kid was already looking a little flighty.
“What kind of stuff?” Peter mumbled while poking his cinnamon roll with a plastic fork.
“I don’t know,” Happy mildly clipped. “Teenager stuff.”
Peter scrunched up his nose but didn’t complain. Happy decided that was probably the best possible outcome and consumed his stupid pretzel. They cleaned up after and went into the home good store directly across from the food court entrance. There was an extensive selection of bed linens skirting the back wall. Without wasting any time, tugged the kid in that direction. “No looking at prices. Tony seems to think you’ll freak out. And if you do, I don’t want to hear it.”
They obnoxiously wandered back and forth across the wall several times before Peter finally selected a plain blue comforter and a set of plain red sheets. Happy was sure Tony would have pushed for something a little more exciting. However, after all the stalling he was inclined to let it slide. He promptly kicked Peter out of the store and took it all to the register to pay.
“Where to next?” There was no reply.
Happy delivered the oversized bag to Peter and looked around. There was a nerdy enough looking store at the end of the corridor. He could identify several teens going in and out of it and headed that way.
“Look. They’ve got all kinds of stuff in here.” He picked up a decent sized box and inspected the contents. A stapler, pencil cup and pair of scissors, all of it Storm Trooper themed. Seemed reasonable enough. As long as you didn’t look at the bright orange price sticker. “Hey, it’s a Star Wars desk set. You want it?” he asked, making him feel like one of those pushy shopping assistants people hire to make their purchasing decisions for them. Which it appeared he was going to have to do.
“Uh-” Peter drew out, his eyes scanning the box and shelf. Presumably to look for the cost.
“No pricing!” Happy quietly snapped. He backed up against the shelf and used his hand to cover the sticker. They weren’t two stores deep into their trip and, holy cow, he was already exhausted.
“Uh, yeah,” Peter finally, anxiously decided. “I like Star Wars. Sure. Um. Thank you.”
“Great,” Happy quipped. “Now you pick something."
For a while, Happy watched Peter peruse the store. He would pick things up and set them back down within seconds. It was overtly obvious he was looking at the prices. It was pretty aggravating actually. He decided it would be best if he moved to the opposite side of the store to avoid the argument he could feel brewing in his head. There wasn’t much in there for him. He found a few movie-themed cake pans he wasn’t necessarily interested in. He dug around for a little longer, then turned around to find Peter holding the most hideous Iron Man stuffed toy he’d ever seen in his life. The head was too small, the arms were too long and the eyes were just a touch too far apart. But Peter looked absolutely giddy.
“You getting that?” he asked with mirth.
“It’s so ugly,” Peter laughed, and Happy had to admit it was good to see him starting to relax. “I should definitely get it. Mr. Stark will hate it”
“With a passion,” Happy agreed. He shifted a few things around on the shelf until he found another Avenger. “Look, they have Cap too.”
“And Thor!” Peter said, reaching through the pile to pull out another doll. He grinned broadly and gave the Iron Man one another full once over. “But they’re not nearly as ugly as this one.”
Unable to remain completely straight-faced, Happy smirked. “Ready to check out, then?”
“Yeah!”
“Well, you know the drill,” he said, gesturing wildly towards the exit. “Get out. I’ll meet you by the door.”
They wandered in and out of a couple more stores. Peter picked up a thin paper poster with Einstein on it. Even though there was a really nicely framed collage of ‘the greatest scientist of all time’ displayed right beside it. He also grabbed the absolute smallest Mets pennant he could possibly find and a desk lamp that was made to look like a rocket. But his prized purchase was a tiny cactus planted in a little round, white, cat-shaped pot. A ‘cat-tus, ’ apparently. He was convinced Tony would be disappointed by the low-volume haul, but the kid looked nothing short of ecstatic.
“You sure this is all you want?” Happy asked as they walked toward the mall exit. “We could find you a rug, or some throw pillows.” He didn’t know why he was asking. He was already carrying the bulk of the bags. Like a pack mule. All so Peter could carry the ‘cat-tus’ with two hands, Because god forbid, he dropped it. With his sticky spidery hands. Internally he rolled his eyes.
“No way. This is awesome,” Peter happily replied. “I think the 'cat-tus' is my favorite.”
“Not the Knock off Iron Man toy?”
“You’re right. It’s a tie.” Peter smiled. A few short steps later he practically shouted, “Oh! The Lego store! Can we go in? Not to purchase anything, I just want to look!”
“Of course,” Happy said, oddly thankful for another opportunity to gently persuade the kid into buying something else. Tony would be proud.
“Oh wow!” Peter said in a hushed shout as he entered the store. He made a beeline for one of the clear plastic display windows and practically pressed his face up against it. “I didn’t know this one had come out yet! Look at it! It has four thousand five hundred and fifteen pieces!”
Happy tried to get a good look around the kid’s head but all he could see was a couple of turrets and flags that meant absolutely nothing to him. “What is it?”
“It’s a castle,” Peter replied.
Happy rolled his eyes. “Well, yes. Obviously, it’s a castle. What’s it from, Kid?”
“Oh. Nothing. It’s just a really cool medieval castle,” Peter explained. “Check out all the mini-figures! There are little horses and everything!”
Leaning into the enthusiasm, Happy asked, “Do you want it?”
Peter’s head began to rapidly sway side to side. “Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no,” he said, his excitement having instantly shifted to anxiety. “That thing’s like- a bazillion dollars.”
Happy heaved a sigh. “You’re not supposed to be looking at the prices.”
“I don’t have to look at the price," Peter assured. “It’s Lego . I just know.”
Happy huffed and did a slow three-sixty, taking in the entirety of the store. He detected something of interest on the other side of the room. Without a word, he spanned the distance. Peter followed behind, looking relieved to have not been pressed into accepting the ‘bazillion dollar’ Lego castle.
They reached the new display and Happy smiled a little as he examined it. He was reasonably convinced he could talk the kid into getting that particular set. He just needed to play his cards right. He picked up the corresponding box and studied it for a few seconds. “Says it's a nineteen-sixty-one corvette.”
Peter leaned in as well. A second later he pointed at one of the pictures and grinned. “Looks like the doors actually open and everything. That’s pretty awesome.”
“It’s not five thousand pieces,” Happy blandly replied.
“Yeah. But it doesn’t have to be a lot of pieces to be fun. It’s just kind of crazy how big some of these models are,” Peter rambled. “Ned has the Death Star. It’s huge.”
Happy hummed, retaining the majority of his focus on the package he was holding. “Pretty sure the boss owned one of these at some point. A legitimate one,” he said. “Think he’d be interested in a Lego version?”
Peter took a step back and balked at the suggestion. “Ha! I doubt it,” he said. “I’ve seen him rebuild actual engines. I don’t think he’d care about some plastic bricks.”
Happy shrugged and tucked the box under his arm. “One way to find out,” he said while lugging the box toward the register. He stopped short of getting into the narrow line. “Sure you don’t want the castle thing?”
Peter predictably and vehemently shook his head.
“Well, maybe you can help the boss with this one.”
Hesitantly, Peter nodded his head. “Yeah. I mean- sure. I guess.”
Perfect, Happy thought. The kid hadn’t actually managed to catch on to what he was doing. With a smug look, he paid for ‘ the boss’s ’ Lego set and walked out of the store, and then to the car.
The drive back to the tower was filled with the usual chatter. Happy had mostly gotten used to passively listening to it. Not enough to catch every detail but he did try to at least acknowledge the kid every so often. He figured it was the least he could do. And even though he’d never in a million years admit it, Peter was starting to grow on him, like a fungus.
The moment they parked, Peter practically ran to the elevator, with a bag on each arm and the stupid ‘cat-tus’ clenched protectively against his chest. Happy carried the rest and soon they were walking into the penthouse where Tony was waiting for them.
“Mr. Stark!” Peter shouted. “I can’t believe you’re actually giving me my own room. That’s so awesome! Thank you!”
As Happy dumped the rest of the bags onto the couch, he could feel Tony’s eyes on him. He turned around and was met with a predictably unimpressed look. The expression didn’t last long. A second later all of Tony’s attention was back on Peter.
“Are you sure you got enough, Bud?”
“Yeah!” Peter chirped “Check this out!” He held the small potted plant out in a dramatic presentation. “Ta-da! It’s a cat-tus!”
With a deep chuckle, Tony gently pushed the plant out of his close proximity. He looked at the bags and back at Happy.
All Happy could do was shrug his shoulders. It wasn’t like he hadn’t tried. And to be honest, they walked out with more things than he’d originally anticipated. He was pretty sure a ‘job well done’ was in order. Unfortunately, it didn’t seem like Tony agreed.
Tony sighed profoundly and turned toward Peter. “Show me what else you got, Kiddo.”
With a bright grin, Peter started pulling things out and talking non-stop. All the while, Tony smiled indulgently and nodded in all the right places. At some point, while Peter was prattling on and on about while he’d picked a blue comforter instead of a red one, Tony peeked inside one of the unpacked bags. Happy had to choke back a laugh as Tony’s face shifted from amused to horrified.
“What is this thing supposed to be?” Tony asked. “Please tell me it’s not meant to be me.”
“It’s not you ,” Peter practically cackled. “It’s Iron Man . Isn’t it great?”
“No. It’s not.” Tony held the stuffed toy at arm’s length and huffed. “It’s erroneous and unsightly.”
Peter stuck out his tongue and ripped the doll out of Tony’s hands. “I think it’s endearing. Like, it’s so awful that it’s kind of cute. Just look at his tiny head.”
“That thing had better never come out of your room,” Tony threatened. “Do you hear me?”
After tossing the doll to the side, Peter eyes the bright yellow Lego bag that was still sitting on the couch. “There’s one more thing,” he said while holding out the bag for Tony to take. “But it’s for you.”
“For me?” Tony questioned. He looked at Happy, his face twisted in profound discontent. “You weren’t supposed to get anything for me.”
“Yeah, well the kid wasn’t going to get himself any Legos.” He sent Tony a look that he hoped would convey that he’d done what he needed to do to accomplish the task at hand. Get the kid to pick out a bunch of teenager-y things to go in his room. “We thought you might like this, and here we are.”
Before Tony could respond, Peter took the bag back and hurriedly pulled out the box. He held it up a little too close to Tony’s face and gleefully shouted, “It’s a little red Corvette! Like that really old song!”
After taking a half step back, likely so he could actually see what was on the package, Tony whistled. “Well, that is a nice one,” he said, glancing briefly in Happy’s direction. Just long enough to nod his thanks. Then, all of his focus was back to Peter. “We’ll have to put it together after we get your room all set up. Sounds good?”
Peter looked up in surprise. As if he, honest to God, hadn’t expected Tony to suggest they build the stupid thing together. And Happy wanted to roll his eyes.
“Yeah, Mr. Stark! That sounds awesome.”
Having decided it was a good time to butt into the conversation, Happy cleared his throat. “Maybe you could work on it while eating a six topping pizza.”
Peter shot him a hilariously affronted look. Tony, on the other hand, looked nothing but confused.
Happy shrugged. “I’m to understand the kid likes his toppings.”
Tony’s posture turned defensive as he whipped back around to Peter. “Why haven’t you said anything?” he questioned. “We could have been ordering ten topping pizzas. Twelve. Fifteen. All of them.”
Happy met eyes with Peter who was still trying to glare holes into him. He winked and turned around to walk out. Before he made it to the door, he waved over his shoulder. “Well, I guess it’s about time I leave you guys to it,” he announced. “Have fun clogging your arteries and playing with your new toys.”
No one answered. Tony was still whining about pizza toppings and Peter was still trying to defend himself. Happy chuckled quietly as he imagined the pizza the boss was going to be ordering later. He could picture in his head with heaps of sausage and towers of pepperoni. That thought led to another, and made a mental note to inform Tony of the ‘bazillion dollar’ Lego castle. Just in case there was still some empty space in the kid’s new room.