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Spencer was on call again. This is the third night in a row that Derek has been waiting for Spencer in the master bedroom while he's on call to somebody else.
He has been trying to be understanding, he knows what kind of relationship he wants to have with Spencer, and the last thing he wants to do is come off as controlling or needy. He asked Spencer the first time he came off these mysterious midnight phone calls, who he was talking to, but he went quiet and Derek left it at out of respect for his privacy.
He originally didn't want to impose, but after three nights of this, he starting to get offended by it. Not only that, he felt really unappreciated. He had to work through a lot of baggage - with and without Spencer- to be the best version of himself he could in this relationship. A big part of that was communication, and Spencer was very involved with his 'recovery' if that's what that was.
So, maybe it's just that he's expecting too much, but this sudden distance has really effected him, and the nagging insecurity that he's been plagued with for years is making its way to the front of his mind again.
He decided before Spencer hung up the phone that he's going to ask for answers.
He puts his shirt back on, and makes sure to turn off the TV in the room, and sits above the blankets. It's his best 'We need to talk' scene.
A few minutes later, Spencer walks back into the bedroom, no longer on call with his mysterious midnight caller, sweating. He spots Derek on the bed, looking at him and hides his face looking at the floor. Derek knows that look, he's seen them on the less experienced unsubs. He's done something he's not proud of.
"Hey" He says casually, letting jt sit in the air, he watches Spencer as he anxious fiddles about with things in this bedside drawer, clearly putting off getting into bed. "Hey" He says, feigning nonchalance. "Hey, yeah, we need to talk". Spencer's hunched over frame tightens and he looks frightened over to Derek before looking back, deeming the eye contact bad.
"Oh. What do you want to talk about?" Now, he's not even trying to hide that he's just using his hands to mix the content of his drawers. Derek is starting to get frustrated with the lack of engagement. "Spencer, sit."
He has no clue how it works, but he closes the drawers and sits cross-legged on the bed, looking at Derek. He's looking into his eyes, but it's not genuine, he can tell. He's daring him to say something, like it's a challenge.
"I think we should talk about who you've been chatting with these past few nights." Just like that, the gaze is broken again, that didn't take much Derek thinks., "Derek, I really don't want to talk about that".
Well. That's not the discussion he wants to be having, Derek pushes, more than maybe necessary. "Why not? Do you have something to hide?"
He hits something right in Spencer's chest, and he knows there's no rescuing this conversation now. "Actually, yes, and so what if I want to have my own secrets? I don't see what that has to do with you."
Derek feels himself losing that firm grip he once had on his patience. His thoughts come out. "What do you mean 'so what'? Whoever this is, is clearly a big part of your life, atleast right now. I just want to know who." Spencer pinches the bridge of his nose and his frame becomes bigger, like he's not trying to shrivel up into the tiniest ball he can be for once. "So you think I'm cheating on you? Wow, Derek, I never pegged you to be that insecure. It's three phonecalls and you're acting like the world's going to implode!" Spencer adds with very little dignity.
Derek has to very consciously let that dig at his character slide, and reign in back in. He takes a deep breath before he continues, "That's not what I'm saying at all. All I'm saying is that something is clearly going on in your life, and I think we should be able to talk about it." He supplies as kindly as possible, hoping to de-escalate the situation.
Maybe it was his tone of voice, or maybe he was tired from earlier. It doesn't matter what, because he's got a confession
"Okay um, but please don't... judge me or anything". His voice is weak, he's no longer defensive, it's as though all of a sudden he lost his pride. Derek offers him his hand and his most used comforting look. "I promise I won't judge you for anything you are going to tell me". And he hates that promise as soon as he makes it. Reid could be about to confess he has been having lengthy discussions with a lawyer after admitting to the murder of 10 people.
He knows that's not what happened, but he's shocked at how he so carelessly abandoned his own principle about not making promises.
Spencer is making himself smaller again and looking away. "It's not infidelity or anything, I wouldn't do that to you..." ah yes. Because I was really thinking that, the snarky voice in Morgan's head thinks.
"...but, the cravings have been... kinda bad recently". This is where Morgan fears for the worst. Is Spencer going to start using again? Has he already started and he's just not been paying attention? He saw what it did to him the first time and he refuses to be a hopeless bystander again. "Spencer..." his voice is dangerously low, it visibly spooked the young agent.
"No! Don't think that, please... I've been working really hard. I'm more than a year clean I wouldn't just throw that away!" He looks like he's about to cry, and those hand movements he makes when he talks, that Morgan usually finds adorable, are becoming erratic and wild. Morgan sushes him, and deems it safe to intrude on his intimate space, he holds him, not very tight incase Spencer really wants space.
He pushes the hair out of Reid's face and tucks it behind his ear. "No... Spencer, no, don't even think about that. I trust you, I promise. Just, please tell me what you're thinking, don't be ashamed." He hopes he's saying the right thing, but he has never done this before, with anyone. It's just a continuous fire of shots in the dark, praying something hits.
Spencer sniffles, and finds his voice again after a minute of controlled breathing. "That's it, I swear. My cravings are bad, and I can't really talk to you about it, so I've been calling my sponsor every night." Now Derek's cradling Spencer's head, and is just happy to be out of the danger zone with this conversation.
"Who's your sponsor?' Spencer picked up on the subtext, Derek was actually asking "What's a sponsor?" Spencer holds onto Derek, like he's afraid he'll let him go, he's aware of how emotionally vulnerable he is, and it's an uncomfortable feeling to be so well acquainted with. "His names Mick. He's a senior recovered addict. 25 years actually. Basically, he supports me. Since I can't really talk to you about the cravings, I don't like to, he listens and kinda gives pep talks."
Derek crooks his head, still playing about with Spencer's hair. "You think you can't talk to me abiut these things?" Spencer shakes his head. "I don't mean it like that. It's just... since he was also an addict, he understands the mental tug of it all better. In ways most people can't. He keeps me on my toes."
Derek almost wants to scoff, ",What do you mean, keeps you on your toes, like, off the drugs?" Spencer shook his head. "Not in that way, no. He holds me accountable, makes me go to my meetings, even when I come out with the brilliant 'I'm fine' line." Derek's chest feels heavier when he realises that whoever 'Mick' is, is a necessary part of Spencer's life, and he's never even heard of him before. The feeling of failure, like he's messed up this relationship is back. He swallows that guilt down and asks the most obvious question.
"You go to meetings? He questions, just to keep Spencer talking. "Yeah... you know my weekly 'doctors visits'? I go to NA meetings then. There's this nice place I go to, there's only about 20 people there and it reminds me how close I can be to ruining my life. Bit harsh of a lesson to learn every week, but it's important I never forget what I have, and that I can lose it." Derek lets him keep talking. "If we're out on a case, I'll go to those bigger ones they have, but I never speak in those, just listen."
Derek's surprised by how much he'd learned today, all of these things about his boyfriend that he hadn't even suspected. "I know you were probably feeling embarassed by it, but why didn't you think you could talk to me?"
Spencer's lip quivers, because as he goes to say it out loud, despite it being a really bitchy nag in his head for weeks, it sounds stupid. "Well... you've got your entire life together. At some point, it'd make sense you'd want to find somebody else, who isn't really messy like this." That is heartbreaking to hear. While Morgan's glad Spencer has forgotten that he wet the bed literally less than a month ago, it hurts him right in the chest to get such an insight into Reid's self-worth.
Keep the conversation light, he tells himself. "I think you'll find I'm not as well put together as you'd like to believe, but that's fine. We have time to work through that. Are there other things you haven't told me yet?" Spencer nods, pulling himself up to hold his entire body against Derek's entire body, really taking advantage of the body heat.
"Yes, but not things I want to talk about... actually, I can tell you about the socks". He seems to be proud of himself, so Derek encourages it, as he talks he shuffles their bodies about so he can make the blanket cover them both. "So, you know how I always wear socks, all the time?" Derek nods so he knows he's listening. "Well, it's not a 'sensory thing' like I told you. After Raphael, my feet are always cold. It's purely in my head, but they still feel cold even though I know that. I'm currently wearing three pairs of socks."
Derek kisses his cheek, he doesn't know what to say. Apologies will come in the morning, he'll admit he was out of line, promise to do better, and they'll probably have another talk about communication in a few hours once they wake up, but right now, Spencer and Derek both just want to sleep together and not think. Apparently, all of that talking must've tired them both out.