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Ahh! Why was it so hard to think!
Pac was sitting down by a table in Chume labs trying to write in his journal.
He had gotten the urge, urge to take the pills again. It was bad this time, memories were becoming clearer, stuff he had forgotten was returning, but why did it all have to be so sad.
He had remembered Walterbob’s kidnapping this time, he remembered it so clearly it hurt. It hadn’t been so bad in the beginning, the medicine making him forget it, as he hesitated with the medecin the memorie had become clearer and clearer. He had remebed Walterbobs kiddnapping in hazy details, and then the general picture but today, just some minutes ago he had remembered Walterbob’s face, his expression.
That look of pure fear and distress as he had been forcefully pulled away from him and Mike. How Walterbob had been free for just a second and then had been dragged away from them.
He remembered him looking up towards the sky with wide eyes, looking upon the vast blue sky, feeling the sun on his white fur, feeling it warm him. How he had breathed in the fresh air, letting it fill his lungs after being in that stuffy prison.
How Pac and Mike had shown him his new house, how excited they had been all smiles and laughs before that lasso had been thrown around their friend.
Pac remembered the gasp as the rope went around Walterbob’s chest, forcing all air out his lungs and how he had then been dragged from them. Pac remembers reaching his hands up by instinct like he would be able to grab him despite him already being out of reach.
Pac closed his eyes tightly, so hard he felt the growing headache just get worse.
He didn’t want to remember that, he didn’t want to think about it, but that scene just played on repeat in his head.
Over and over and over and over again, like a CD stuck on replay. He couldn’t stop it, it just kept going. It was maddening, he didn’t want this.
It felt like his whole body was itching on the inside, like his brain itself was itching, it wanted those meds, that sweet sweet oblivion was calling Pac, inviting him to fall back into it, letting it swallow him whole again.
The world was so sad. So heavy and he was too weak. He couldn’t carry it, couldn't carry this knowledge and memories. He was suffocating under the weight of his own existence.
Pac’s grip around his pen tightens, threatening to snap the thing in half.
He couldn’t take the medecin. He was supposed to write down his thoughts when he got the urge and then give it to Fit so they could work through it together.
Pac let out a loud sigh and opened his eyes. He had forgotten to message Fit.
He took up his communicator and wrote a short message.
‘It’s bad again’ that was all he needed to say, Fit would understand.
He sent it and waited.
He crossed his arms on the table and leaned forward letting his forehead rest on top of them, as he breathed in a deep breath and let it out.
The headache was killing him, and the memories kept rearing its ugly heads.
They’re gone. They’re all gone. It’s all gone.
It played behind his eyes again.
The look on Mike’s face as he looked at Walterbob vanish, that look of utter heartbreak. He had gone quiet, his expression blank but Pac could sense the rage burning hot inside Mike’s heart.
Mike got angry when the world did him unjustice. When the world tried to tear into him, claw him asunder he bit back. He would claw, fight and snarl until there was justice either by repayment and justice or revenge. Step on his foot and he’ll cut yours off.
Pac wasn’t like that, step on his foot and he’ll apologize to you.
He couldn’t get angry like that, he had just felt that deep sorrow in his chest fill him up, drowning him.
It had been easier to handle when Mike was by his side, they could work through it together, but now it felt like Pac was experiencing it all over again, like the wound and memory was fresh. And this time he had no one.
A sob escaped him as tears ran down his cheek. Sorrowful whimpers escaped his throat and he laid there over the table, staining the pages of his book with his tears, making the scribbles smudge and become unreadable.
“Pac?” Pac snapped up into a sitting position at the mention of his name.
That…That was not Fit.
Pac stood up in a hurry and snapped around, seeing Forever by the doorframe looking at him and even with tears in his eyes so could Pac see that big grin on his face.
Forever looked at him, at his red cheeks that were wet with tears, his eyes red from having cried a flood and his lips that were no longer pulled upwards into a smile.
Pac felt his stomach drop down into his stomach. Fear burned inside his gut and he felt the hair raise on his neck.
Forever’s eyes felt like they were piercing into his soul, stabbing and digging into his skull.
Pac forced his mouth up into a smile, feeling his lips trembling, but forced them to stay in a big grin trying to pass it off like nothing was wrong, like he was doing fine.
“H-hey Forever” he was trying to sound happy, but his voice betrayed him, it was trembling, the crying could be heard in his voice.
Forever just stared at him, his smile still wide, uncomfortable so. It was like it was stuck like that, like it had been set in stone.
“Hey! We haven’t talked in a while so I wanted to check up on you..Have you been taking your medicine?” he asked, still sounding happy go lucky but Pac could feel the disapproving in his tone. He already knew the answer to the question, but he still asked, still pushed and squeezed Pac on the matter.
“N-no. I’m…I’m not supposed to-” Forever suddenly walked up to him and leaned in closer, his face way too close to his. He was pushing into Pac’s space making him lean back by reflex.
“Who said that? Who said you shouldn’t take them?” he asked, his voice commanding despite his expression not matching the tone.
Pac felt his heart beat hard inside his chest and he just started talking.
“Fit and Tubbo said-”
“Bah! Fit and Tubbo, they’re going to be smiling like us soon. Don’t listen to them” Forever replied before he even got done talking. It was clear he didn’t consider Fit or Tubbo’s opinion important in this matter.
But Pac wanted to listen to them, they cared about him. Those two were the only people he could talk to anymore.
Felps was somewhere, Cellbit was becoming too scary to talk to and Mike was…Mike was what? Missing? No they found him…No that wasn’t right…Fuck his memories were being fuzzy again. He hated this, why did he have to remember all these sad things but important knowledge escaped him?!
“But it makes them sad to see me-” Pac tried again, but was once again cut off.
“So their happiness is more important than yours?”
‘Yes it is’ he wanted to say. The others on the island were always more important than him. Everyone was more important. Everyone was stronger and more useful than him, thats was why he had sacrificed himself and taken the drugs. He was the most expandable, it just made sense. He had thought he was finally good for something, just to start to struggle doing his one job that was making a cure.
He truly was the weakest among them.
“I don’t want to make them sad. They’re like family, you know? A-and the medecin has been messing with my mind Forever, I can’t…I have problems remembering things” he tried.
He remembered Fit and Tubbo talking to him. Trying to make him quit, kept bringing up the journal and to write things down, kept encouraging him.
They had never been mad, never even irritated. They had met him with this warm comfort and sad eyes. They cared about him, saw something inside him he couldn’t see, something worth love and friendship he didn’t know about.
He didn’t want to make them sad. He wanted to make them proud.
“If you don’t remember, so is it important!” Forever replied. He clearly had no problem forgetting, not the slightest bit worried that things were slipping his mind.
His words made something light up inside Pac’s chest however.
“Walterbob is important to me!” he replied. He might not be able to stand up for himself, but how dare Forever come here and call his friend “unimportant”.
“Walterbob is probably dead, so you don’t have to worry about it”
“He’s not dead!” Pac snapped rage in his voice.
There was silence for a long moment and Pac realizing his mistake raised his shoulders and took a step back, hitting the wooden table. The table shook, the pen rolling off and hitting the floor, it sounded deafening in the silence.
Forever just looked at him with those eyes, thos dead staring eyes. Pac knew what madness looked like he had once seen it in Cellbit's eyes, and now he could see something similar in Forever’s. Insanity.
“I think you should take your medicine Pac. All those memories just make you sad, it’s better to get rid of them.
“I…I want to keep them” It was getting hard to speak. It was like something was blocking his throat.
Pac was trying to break out of it, the fear and handling it was always easier with Mike around who could back him up. But now he was alone with a person that had the same eyes as Cell.
Forever’s smile didn’t fade but he took a step closer. Their noses nearly touched like this.
He could smell Forever’s bad breath. He was probably dehydrated without even knowing or feeling it.
“Take. The. Medecin.” Forever responded, his words a low growl.
Pac considered it for a moment. His heart was beating so fast in his chest it felt like it was going to give out. He wanted out. Out of this situation away from Forever. He didn’t care how or where he went as long as he wasn’t here.
He wanted out. He wanted out. He wanted out. He wanted out. Out. Out. Out. Out. Out .Out. Outoutoutoutoutoutoutoutoutout.
He couldn’t handle this. He couldn’t go against Forever. He was stronger than him, smarter than him, what was Pac in comparison to him. Nothing.
He couldn’t fight this.
He felt his comm buzz in his hand, he glanced down at it seeing the title. ‘One new message from Fit’
Fit.
Pac hadn’t even read the message and he knew Fit was on his way, was coming to his location as quickly as he could.
‘You’re strong. Stronger than you know’ Fit’s word echoed inside his mind. Pac didn’t believe him, not at all. He wasn’t strong, not like Fit. He didn’t know how he had been able to trick Fit into believing he was. But that idea, that idea Fit would see him back on the medecin and have that expression of sorrow. Pac had seen it before, before when he had failed. Fit had told him it was fine and they would do better next time. Today was the record, three days straight with no medecin, he didn’t want to make Fit sad again.
Pac wasn’t strong, but god dammit he would try to be for Fit’s sake. Try to be as strong as Fit thought he was.
Pac couldn’t form words, the fear and panic inside him made it feel like his mouth was full of cotton so instead he just shook his head.
Forever’s eyes widened ever so slightly but the smile remained.
“Where is your briefcase? I’ll take them out and hand them to you” Pac didn’t respond, his breathing was speeding up, it felt like he was having a hard time pulling oxygen into his lungs, more like a fish stranded on land.
Pac assembly took too long to respond, and Forever brows started to furrow slightly but that smile didn't even twitch. It truly seemed to be stuck on his face.
“You know, nevermind! You can take some of mine!” Forever pulled out his briefcase and pushed Pac to the side as he put it on the table. “One moment!” he sing sang as he started to enter the code.
Pac saw his chance.
He ran.
He quickly made his way around Forever, burst out the room and ran down the hallway to the elevator. He quickly pushed the button that would take him to the train platform.
“Pac? Why are you running?” Pac snapped around, seeing Forever come out the room, bottle in hand. “Come back. Let me help you” his voice was comforting, gentle. Pac didn’t trust it at all.
Pac took a step backwards trying to get away ever further, before the elevator doors closed. Thank god Mike made this elevator so quick.
It went down, opening again at the train station floor. Pac walked out, but not before pressing every other button on the elevator, this would make it go through all the floors and buy him some time if Forever decided to go after him.
The door closed and Pac took off again, the train was waiting in the sation and he quickly climbed in, and pulled the lever that would make it go straight down, trying to make it go as fast as possible. He didn't care if it was dangerous or could destroy the machinery, he wanted out. He wanted to get away.
He felt hunted, like a fox running while dogs were right in his tail.
The train moved going the short bit along the track before stopping at the hide and seek arena.
Pac jumped out, not bothering to close the door as he ran out of the train, up the stairs into the lobby. He didn’t stop there, instead walking to the edge and taking the ladder and sliding down it before his feet hit the ground and he started to run again.
Where was he going to hide?
He looked around seeing the Cucurucho statue and quickly looked away. He couldn’t think about that. Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it.
He could feel his hands go cold and sweaty.
Where should he hide?! He had to think about something quick.
‘Inside the Richarlyson statue-No you idiot!’ he scolded himself before he had even finished the thought, that would be the first place he checked.
He kept running, getting further and further inside the arena, feeling the panic grow. He had to hide. He had to hide now or Forever would see him in the open and in a last panicked decision he hid behind one of the legs of Ramon.
He pressed his back against the statue and tried to take some breaths not knowing when he would get the chance for a moment of peace again.
He just stayed there frozen like a statue.
This was a really bad hiding place, a terrible hiding place, but he couldn't change spot now. It was better to stay like this and hope he could run from Forever if or when he found him. He didn’t know how long he had been there when he heard someone's voice.
“Pac? Are we playing a game right now?” he heard Forever yell before a horrifying laugh escaped him, it was haunting, scratching against Pac’s eardrums “How about we take the meds and then play!? It will be so much more fun!”
Pac didn’t respond, he just stayed completely still, hoping Forever wouldn’t find him and that his white clothes made him at least a bit camouflaged against the egg.
“Pac, where did you go?” Pac held his hand over his mouth trying to silence his breathing “Why are you hiding? I just want to help”
Pac could hear his footsteps in the quiet arena. Everything was so quiet. It was so eerie.
This place, meant and built for joy, was now filled with this thick air of fear. A place that used to be so loud with laughs, playful calls to come out or stop running was now silent as death.
There was no joy here anymore, this was no longer a simple game. This was real horror, real tension and it was suffocating.
Pac tried to stop himself from hyperventilating, sometimes forgetting completely to breath and almost suffocating himself.
His hands were shaking, and his mouth was dry as he just listened.
He heard the steps. They were getting louder, closer and closer.
They were right by him. He couldn’t stand still. Pac sprung from his hiding spot, running as fast as he could.
“There you are!” Forever called out, his voice loud as a thunderclap in the otherwise quiet arena.
Pac’s shoes beat against the ground as he ran, he was breathing hard and fast, in his heart beating so hard in his chest he could hear it in his ears.
He would try to make it back to the ladder. Maybe he could take the train and go back to Chume labs and to the elevator thing again?
He could try to take the magic elevator up to the top floor but the area there was flat, no place to hide and Forever would catch him.
Pac could hear Forever’s footsteps behind him but couldn’t make out exactly how close behind he was.
That’s when he made the mistake of looking behind him.
He saw Forever right behind him, a lasso in his hands. Their eyes met and that’s when he threw it.
Pac tried to dodge but he wasn’t fast enough. The rope went around his chest and arms. He felt the rope go tight around him, making him let out a gasp as his lungs were emptied of air.
Forever stopped dead, pulling the rope. Pac who had been running got yanked backwards, making it feel like his ribs would break.
He lost balance landing on his back and letting out a cry as his head banged against the hard ground, making his ears ring and his already bad headache become so much worse.
He wanted to get up but he was dazed and with his arms tied tightly to his body he would have a hard time getting up.
He pulled in some painful gulps of air, trying to fill his lungs with air again,just to have to be pushed out of him as Forever straddled his chest.
The sun was hitting the back of his head, making his face covered in shadow, making his toothy smile and wide eyes all the more noticeable. He looked crazy, like there was no soul behind those eyes, his mouth too wide, making it look uncanny.
“Please..Forever let me go..” Pac begged from under him, not even trying to hide his fear at this point.
He was terrified.
He was shaking, tears going down his cheeks.
“Let me help you” Forever pulled out the bottle, and uncorked it and pushed it against Pac’s lip trying to make him open his mouth.
Pac kept it shut tightly. He was going to fight. Forever pulled the bottle away.
“Open your mouth” he said, voice lacking any joy. It was a growl, dark and dangerous, shaking Pac to his core.
He shook his head, making his headache so much worse. Forever pulled the bottle back for a moment.
“Pac! Let me help you!” Forever screamed and Pac let out a yell of his own. One out of fear and instinct.
“Mike!” he screamed out “Fit!”
Forever tried to take the moment to pour the medicine into his throat. Some made it but Pac turned his spitting it out in an instance and closed his mouth tightly shut again.
Forever, seemingly fed up, grabbed Pac’s jaw and forced it straight so they were meeting each other's eyes and then pressed at the joint between the skull and the lower jaw, forcing Pac’s mouth to open no matter how hard Pac tried to fight against it. Forever tipped the bottle pouring the medicine into his mouth.
Pac tried to fight it, to not swallow that liquid hitting his tongue that tastes like sweet candy flavor. His body told him by reflex to swallow it down but he was able to stop himself. Forever dropped the bottle and suddenly grabbed Pac’s face making sure he couldn’t move his head and with the other he let go of his jaw and instead used it to close his mouth, locking the liquid behind Pac’s lips and teeth.
That would have been fine if it wasn't for what happened next. Forever realzing Pac wasn’t going to drink, let go of his head and instead closed his nose.
Pac couldn’t breath.
He was suffocating.
He started to buckle trying to get Forever off him, or make him let go with little success.
“Just swallow and I’ll let you go” Forever said leaning down so his face was right over Pac’s so they had to look each other in the eyes, or at least try. Pac was crying and the tears making it hard to see Forever clearly.
He was thrashing, wiggling side to side trying to throw Forever off, when that didn’t work he lifted his legs and started to slam his knees into Forever’s back and spine, but he didn’t seem to even notice it, no…No he noticed it, and he was laughing. He was laughing right in his face.
Pac could hear his own heart beat get louder and this ringing in his ears started, this buzzing sound that was his own blood going through his veins, that blood that quickly eating up all the oxygen still inside him.
His body was begging him to escape, to take a breath of fresh air, but he couldn't, he didn't want to swallow, he had to fight, he wasn’t a fighter but he had to fight the best he could.
His vision was getting blurry and his whole body was shaking, as he just laid there staring up at Forever’s big smile.
Suddenly something blue shot out from nowhere, hitting Forever around the throat. The speed of the object was enough to force Forever off him.
Pac rolled over at once spitting out all the medecin and got dragged into a coughing fit. The clear liquid turned into a little puddle on the floor.
Pac continued spitting between dragging air back. It felt like his lungs were burning, like he couldn't get new air into them fast enough. He looked up to see what had happened to Forever just to notice he was on the floor, around his neck pinning him to the ground was a trident. He was lucky his throat had gone between the pointy part, making him just stuck to the floor and not pierced.
Forever was laughing, his hands around the handle as he tried to pull it out of the floor so he could get up with little success.
“Forever, what the hell is wrong with you?!” Someone screamed and Pac couldn’t help but curl around himself for a second before he realized he recognized the voice. He looked at the direction the voice had come from seeing his savior, Fit.
Fit quickly stepped forward, placing himself between Pac and the still pinned Forever and pulled out a sword, cutting off the lasso and freeing Pac fully.
“You okay Pac?” he asked, looking down at him.
“Yeah, I’m alright” Pac said, spitting a few more times, before lifting his arm and wiping the spit and drooling off with his sleeve. He knew it wasn’t the best but he couldn’t stand leaving it just around his mouth and he had no paper or handkerchiefs.
Fit didn’t seem to mind, looking more concerned than anything, from his belt he pulled out a canteen and held it out for Pac to take.
“Here, wash your mouth out” Pac gratefully took it, taking a mouthful and sloshed it around his mouth before spitting it out. He did that two times, feeling satisfied when that candy taste finally was gone from his tongue. He handed it back and Fit took it and placed it back on its rightful place.
Pac tried to get up, just to stumble back into a sitting position. His legs felt like jelly under him, like his bone had turned into rubber and could no longer support his weight.
Without a word Fit leaned down and grabbed his arm and like it was as easy as breathing he pulled Pac up onto his shoulder in a fireman carry and stood up straight carrying Pac like he weighed nothing. He kept Pac secured with one hand, leaving the other free.
He turned his eyes back towards Forever and lifted his hand. The trident like metal to a magnet flew up from the ground and returned to Fit’s hand. He caught it, grasping his fingers tightly around the handle.
Forever sat up, still smiling but he was rubbing his neck. You could already see a red bruise forming around his throat from where the trident had hit.
Fear was pulsing through Pac again, not at all comfortable with Forever being able to move again, but Fit was calm. His breathing slow and steady as he met Forever’s eyes.
Forever's eyes were wide. He looked feral, those eyes belonged on a monster, not a member of Pac’s family.
“Forever” Fit began, his voice was harsh and dangerous. Fit’s voice was usually so nice to listen to, so low it felt like it vibrated inside your chest, smooth and beautiful like you could listen to it for hours, like it belonged to a voice actor, a commercial announcer. But now it was dangerous, this was probably the same tone he had used thousands of times while traversing 2bt2. It was a tone that dared someone to try to pull something, like a dog growling warning that it would bite your head off if you came too close.
Fit continued.
“I know this might be a wasted breath considering your high on that happy medecin. But know this, if I ever see you even near Pac again I’ll make you regret it” He twirled the trident for emphasis.
Pac looked at Forever, but nothing in his expression changed; he just smiled a bit wider.
“Why are you so angry Fit? This is a great day, and I just wanted to help Pac get his medecin!” he sounded genuine, like he really was befuddled by Fit’s hostility.
“Pac doesn't need it, and neither do you” Forever stood up, and Pac felt tense under him. He was getting ready.
“Don’t you want to be happy?” He took a step forward and Fit lifted the trident like he was going to throw it.
“Not a step closer. Me and Pac are going to the nearest waystone and you’re not going to follow if you know what's best for you” Fit growled.
Fit started to back away from Forever, not daring to turn his back to him. To Pac's surprise so did Forever not follow, he just looked at them as they slowly moved further and further away.
Pac said nothing, he was quiet as there was this tense feeling in the air. Like they waited for a bomb to go off.
Forever then turned his eyes towards Pac. Pac’s whole body tensed and his heart skipped a beat. With zero hesitation Fit let out a loud and sharp whistle.
“Hey!” he snapped “Eyes on me ! Not him ” Forever met Fit’s eyes again. Fit didn’t even flinch or look uncomfortable by the way Forever was looking at him with those crazed eyes. Fit was like a mountain, unmoving, unbothered, do what you want but he would not yield.
They soon came to the magic elevator up to the outside of the hide and seek arena.
They went up and Fit turned and ran, making Pac bounce on his shoulder.
He was quick despite the extra weight and quickly reached the closest waystone and pressed up against it and Pac felt how the two of them started to warp away.
They landed at Fit’s base and he quickly, while still holding Pac under his arm walked into his room inside the mountain, he unlocked it and walked in closing the door and making it lock behind him, making sure they wouldn’t be followed.
He looked around for a second before walking over to the bed.
“Fit I-I have shoes on I will dirty-”
“Not important” he put Pac down on top of the bed before he himself sat down on the edge. “Are you okay? He didn’t hurt you?” The worry was coming out now, now that there was no reason to act stoic. He could let his true feelings out and it was very clear how concerned he was for him.
Pac shook his head.
“No, I’m okay” Fit let out a breath of relief and his whole body seemed to slump.
“Thank the gods” he muttered “Are you okay like, mentally…” Fit looked over him for a second “You’re shaking”
Pac looked down at himself and his hands noticing just how much they were shaking. Adrenaline was still pulsing through his veins and even if he knew he was safe, there was nowhere safer than by Fits side so was he still scared, so so scared.
He raised his arms, hugging himself.
“I’m afraid Fit. I’m trying to make you proud and go sober. And I’m doing well. I'm doing really well and I didn’t want to take it but Forever tried to force it down my throat and I couldn’t breathe-“ the words stopped as Pac started to hyperventilate as the panic was starting up again.
“It’s okay it’s okay” Fit said gently. “Breath Pac, deep breaths” He took a deep breath and loudly let it out, encouraging Pac to follow his rhythm.
Pac tried his best to match it. It was hard in the beginning but got easier and easier with each breath.
As soon as he was breathing okay again, Fit spoke.
“Do you want a hug?” No words came out but Pac quickly nodded his head.
Fit put his arms around him and brought him in close, pressing him into his chest.
It felt safe, he felt protected in Fits arm, like no one could grab him or drag him away from the American. He was warm, and cozy and Pac just pushed his forehead against his shoulder.
“You’re doing so good. You’re doing really really well. I’m so proud of you” Fit whispered softly. Pac could feel the vibration from Fits voice through his body. It was calming, like the purr of a cat and Pac felt his heart start to slow even more.
“I was so scared,” he whispered.
“I know. And that’s okay, you were still really brave and were so strong. You’re so good”
“I’m still scared Fit. What if he tries again, or the federation takes me and shove it down my throat” Fit’s hug tightened slightly, like Fit was somehow trying to pull him even closer.
“I’m not going to let them.” he replied, voice certain and confident “How about tomorrow we get your stuff and move them to my house. We two can stay together until Mike returns-If you want of course” he then added his hug, loosening slightly, like he was uncertain, like he was scared he had overstepped.
Pac actually chuckled.
“I would really like that” Pac whispered, lifting his arms and hugging Fit back. His fingers curled, grasping Fit’s shirt, like he was trying to claw into his very skin “Please don’t leave as well. Please never leave me”
Fit rubbed on his hands up and down Pac’s back, going along his spine.
“I’ll never leave. Only death will make me part from you, I promise you that” Pac let out a soft gasp, and he moved up into Fit’s lap.
Fit let him, and like that they stayed, holding onto each other tightly.
Memories were still a bit fuzzy for Pac, but something told him he would never forget this. That he would remember this moment until the end of time and somehow, for the first time in ages, he felt true happiness. Not that artificial drug kind of joy, but true, pure happiness.