Work Text:
It’s cold out here in the street. So cold…
Still, Michinaga is burning with rage, so he ignores it. He could go back, could apologize, could…
No. He’s done, he’s not going back to that place, not anymore. It can’t be fixed, it will be fight after fight again, because his father has run out of patience again, and Michinaga himself never was the patient type to begin with.
Still in his school uniform, he starts walking. He’s shivering, can’t tell if it’s because of the low temperature or the fury still scorching through his system. He told himself he’d be out of there soon, just as soon as he’s done with school, will get his own place and work to feed himself, doesn’t mind the hard ways of life. Anything, anything is better than that house, the walls suffocating him every time he makes a mistake.
Maybe, in the back of his head, he had considered this possibility, being kicked out before he could leave on his own. And now, it has happened.
Michinaga shifts on the couch, wrapping his leather jacket tighter around him. It’s late and he should be sleeping, but he can’t. The thoughts, the memories, they keep coming back to him, like they do every year on this day. This was it, the day his father was officially fed up with him and yelled at him to leave and never come back. And for the first time in ages, Michinaga had done what his father had told him to do.
He’d run out, never to return. It’s been…4 years? 5? It all feels like a blur now, like that was a different Michinaga, almost like a different challenge in a previous DGP. Never come back, the man’s words are still echoing in his head. And Michinaga didn’t. He never went back.
He remembers it, still. Throwing things on the floor, yelling curses at his father before he stormed outside. He remembers it, still. His favorite stuffed animal, his little buffalo. A present from his mother on his birthday, when he was still a little boy. As he grew older, he kept it, no matter how childish it felt. Even when he accidentally broke a purple pen and got it stained with ink. What kind of tough rebellious teenager keeps a plushie in their bedroom? But Michinaga did.
Sometimes, he catches himself missing it. It’s ridiculous and pathetic, he’s an adult now, and his father probably threw it in the trash, along with everything else. Is it because it was a gift from his mother? She passed away a couple of years after she gave it to him. Maybe it’s why Michinaga has kept it, has been unable to detach himself from it.
Well, had been unable. He violently ripped himself away from it that night.
Michinaga learned to survive without a family, learned to accept the fact that no one cares about him more or less. And the one person who did ended up dead. Because of the DGP.
He was a difficult case, he admits. Always causing trouble at school, always causing his father to apologize again and again until he reached his limits. Michinaga doesn’t blame him much for kicking him out of the house, not anymore. They clashed on a weekly basis, and there was no one around to restore the balance, to keep things calm.
So Michinaga accepted the fact that he’s a difficult case, that people don’t want to stick around him. It’s better this way for him, too. No unnecessary attachments, no fear of losing anyone precious to him ever again.
Except for this bizarre human being staring at him across his seat, studying his every move. Ukiyo Ace. Michinaga’s enemy, his rival, currently his…teammate? They have teamed up indeed, found themselves in this warehouse planning their next move against the people in charge of this twisted game. Joining forces with Geats wasn’t on Michinaga’s list, but now they have a common goal.
He doesn’t understand much of Ace’s history. He doesn’t want to get too involved, either. Ace is aching to free his mother who is apparently the one with the power, the one who caused all those misfortunes. Ace is willing to work with Michinaga, to stick around Michinaga, even throughout Michinaga’s poisonous remarks and his cruel comments. Ace is peculiar in his methods and his tactics, and most of the times, Michinaga wants to rip him to pieces, can’t stand his ridiculous aura.
But in all the darkness and the misery and the confusion, Ace is with him. Ace cooks for him, discusses calmly with him, tries to understand him. And it has been…ages since someone actually bothered, trying to understand him. To understand his rough, unorthodox nature.
And it sparks something different, something unique. Something Michinaga never really cared about before, but now it nags him in his chest, makes his fingers go numb. It sparks something in Ace, too, that much is obvious even to someone without the brightest brains.
Something that makes Michinaga feel vulnerable and exposed. Why is Ace leaving his seat, why is he sitting next to him? Why is he…
When Michinaga doesn’t pull away even though he’s been given enough time and space to do so, Ace leans even more and closes the gap between them. Why? Michinaga himself isn’t sure. It isn’t fierce and aggressive, nothing compared to their usual interactions. Those are full of tension and rage and sweat and even blood.
This kiss is different. It’s slow and gentle and understanding, although Michinaga isn’t quite certain what it is understanding of. It makes something bubble inside him, soothes a part of his that he had long buried in the depths of his existence. Something that cracked a long time ago, something that never healed properly.
The wound he learned to live with. Rejection, hostility.
Ukiyo Ace is a star, loved by the whole world, free to choose anyone. Free to choose someone leagues better than Michinaga. Someone happy, equally sparkly, someone on his level. Ukiyo Ace is so annoyingly, breathtakingly beautiful that sometimes Michinaga’s mind drifts off, picturing what he would look like with arms wrapped around his throat and bite marks all over his body.
Ukiyo Ace can have the world, and yet he’s sitting here kissing Michinaga. Wanting Michinaga.
Michinaga forgets all about his defenses and his walls, all about being ok with people not wanting him around. He surrenders to this feeling and the warmth Ace is offering so gracefully, and whether this will be a wise decision in the long run or not, he doesn’t care. Not right now.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
Michinaga is a difficult person. The minute something beautiful happens to him, he turns the world upside down to mess it up, unable to cope differently.
And when that “something beautiful” is Ukiyo Ace, then it happens even faster.
It doesn’t come immediately, but it comes a couple of days after that kiss. It burns under his skin, makes him despise himself.
“How are you so sure your mother even cares about you?” he asks, the aggression on his voice startling Ace. “She abandoned you, didn’t she?”
Ace shakes his head. “Mother loves me. I know she does. Everything she did was to save me. I need to free her from the scoundrels using her.”
Michinaga scoffs. “Maybe she’s the one using you, forcing you to enter this game again and again until you free her. And then she’ll disappear again.”
“She needs peace.” Ace insists, irritation flickering in his eyes. “What do you want?”
“I’m just saying, you’ve been clinging to this fantasy of her all these years and you should really consider the possibility that she might be bad, after all. She might hurt you.”
Ace glares at him. Michinaga wants to say more, to hurt him more. Inside, he’s already regretting it, but at the same time, he needs to unleash that fire. He hates all those sour memories coming back to haunt him, needs an outlet. Ace is such an easy target, his only target, really.
“Did your mother hurt you?”
Fuck. Not what he expected, not what he wanted to hear, not the concern in Ace’s voice…Michinaga clenches his fists with a hiss.
“Do not talk about my mother!”
“Was it your father, then? Did he hurt you? Was he horrible to you?”
His fist meets Ace’s face; he’s seeing flames, a fire in his chest that he cannot put out. It was not supposed to go like this, it was not…
He’s up on his feet the next moment. Some blood is running down from Ace’s nose. He’s staring up at Michinaga, eyes glistering with pity and exasperation. Pity? Michinaga hates pity more than anything else, never wanted anyone’s pity.
He does the only thing that will keep him from ripping Ace to pieces on the spot. He storms out of the warehouse, spends the whole night wandering alone in the streets.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
Months have passed, Ace has become a god, they have regained their memories. For Michinaga, it wasn’t the loveliest moment. Secret nights at that warehouse, kisses that made him feel appreciated, touches that made him feel treasured. They all disappeared in the end, forgotten along with Geats.
Now that he remembers everything, it keeps bugging him, that Ace was ok with just letting him forget all that. He’s still around, so why would he not want them to remember? Why would he want to forget…that? Was it something superficial, did it only feel special to Michinaga?
“No.” Ace replies when Michinaga eventually questions him about it. “Always hastily jumping to conclusions, Buffa…”
“Then why?”
“I thought it was a burden to you.” Ace explains. “You always push people away, I thought I’d make it easier on you.”
What…
Michinaga releases a low growl. “That wasn’t your choice to make.”
“If I had chosen what I truly wanted-“
“What, you would have shipped me off to another dimension?” Michinaga cuts him off harshly. Ace stares right into his eyes. He looks upset.
“I would have kissed you, a hundred times more. I would have built us a house, I would have…” He shakes his head, sighing. Now he looks defeated. “You are happier now.” He says quietly. “You let people in more easily.”
It shakes Michinaga down to the core, that statement. Ace is a god, and with his freaking divine powers, he probably knows everything. About Michinaga, his background, the relationship with his father. His mother’s death. Things that make Michinaga vulnerable. He clenches his fists. “I just want a normal, quiet life.” He says.
“Do you wanna visit your father?” Ace asks now. It sends shivers down Michinaga’s spine, the question. It sparks terror within his stomach. “After all this time, would you want to know how he’s doing?”
No.
Yes.
No, just…no.
Maybe…
Michinaga swallows. “I’m sure he’s much better ever since I left home. That’s enough for me.”
Ace doesn’t seem convinced. Is he really such an open book to this arrogant god?
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
By the time he steps inside his apartment, it’s late at night and everything is dark and quiet. He was going to work extra today, he knew it, and he’s tired, but he’s not upset. It’s the way things go, sometimes they just have to work longer.
Michinaga likes his workplace. He likes his colleagues too, if he’s allowed to use the word “like” more than once. They are good, kind-hearted people. He’s too gloomy for them, and yet they still accept him. So he doesn’t mind working extra when needed.
When he steps inside his room and turns the light on, he freezes. There’s a box on his bed, a box that he didn’t put there, a box he hasn’t seen before in his life. It can’t be another cursed invitation to a new DGP, right? No, Tsumuri would be here, too. Is it a bomb? Did someone enter his place to leave a bomb here?
Without wasting more time, he gets closer and opens it. A gasp slips his lips when he sees what’s inside. It’s a letter, and…
His hands, they’re not steady when he picks the little buffalo up. He can tell it’s his, the one he left back home. He can tell, because the ink stain from that purple pen is still here. Michinaga doesn’t even realize that he’s holding it tightly against his chest, that he has a hard time breathing for a few seconds. The letter in the box, he dismisses it for a couple more minutes, tries to fight the lump in his throat. Why? After all this time, he’s not a stupid teenager anymore, why would he care so much…
How? Why? Who did this, and how…after all this time…
Still holding onto his favorite stuffed animal, he reaches inside the box for the letter. It isn’t long, just a couple of lines.
Your father is healthy. He was happy to hear that you are healthy, too.
He asked me to give you this when I see you because he doesn’t know your address or your phone number. He says you were always fond of your little buffalo.
There is no name, only a signature. Michinaga doesn’t even need to guess; the very same signature the Star of the Stars of the Stars left on that cursed t-shirt of his, the one he keeps in a corner of his room, hasn’t touched it ever since the day he put it there. Why, he’s screaming in his head, why does he do this all the time, confusing Michinaga, spinning him around into a world where apparently anything is possible.
He wants to beat Ace up, claw his eyes out. The guts, the audacity, to invade his personal space, his life like that…
He hugs the little buffalo even tighter, swallows that big, painful lump that’s now blocking his throat on the inside. Maybe he’ll be honest for a few moments and admit that he’s grateful to this weird little god, after all…
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
The first thing Michinaga feels when he sets foot into the cemetery is guilt. How long has it been since he last visited his mother’s grave? Always afraid that he’d find someone else, a relative that would send him away or scold him. Or maybe he would meet his father and they’d end up fighting over his mother grave, the last thing Michinaga wants to do.
They kept saying it as he grew up, all of them. He looks nothing like his father, it’s all his mother. It’s probably why he was never able to look like the “default” manly guy, why people made fun of him at school. Too pretty to be a boy. Crybaby. Too weak. Too thin. The first time his weak and thin punch landed on one of his bullies’ face, it broke a nose. God, how good that felt…doesn’t matter that he was eventually suspended, Michinaga doesn’t regret that punch. It seemed to be the beginning of finding himself, of standing on his own feet.
He pours the water over the stone, burns the incense sticks he brought with him, then gently puts the flowers he bought into the vase. He finds relief in the fact that the grave doesn’t look abandoned; even if he was too coward to visit, others probably weren’t. “Hello, mother.” He says quietly. Luckily, there’s no one else around. “It’s been a long time.”
His knees are weak. Michinaga crouches down slowly, pressing his hands together. What kind of prayer would help, what story would offer him some relief? Salvation?
“I’ve done a lot of things you wouldn’t like…if you’re watching from up there, I guess you know already…”
The words come out so effortlessly all of a sudden. They pour out of his mouth; everything he did since Tooru’s death, all the people he hurt in his desperate attempt to rid the world of the fatal temptation the DGP is. Everything, Michinaga confesses everything until his voice cracks a little. Maybe if he was a better person, a smarter person, maybe…
But he’s not. He’s someone who fought like hell to keep any emotional weaknesses away, because that is the way it had to be. And now that things can be different, he doesn’t know how to be just…that. Open.
It’s funny, that his brain and his ears have memorized the sound of Ace’s steps, so that he knows whenever he’s approaching. Now, too, he knows it’s him before he even turns to look at him. How Ace knew where to find him, Michinaga doesn’t question it at all. He always does. It’s just the way he is.
Ace stands next to him, gives his own little offerings, then quietly prays. So respectful, Michinaga’s mother would probably like him if she ever met him. Michinaga pushes himself up on his feet again, trying to keep his composure.
“You’re really everywhere, Geats, whether I want you to be or not…” he tries to laugh it off, tries to sound mad, too. He knows Ace’s eyes are on him, he can practically see his mouth forming words.
“I like to think that you want me around, otherwise you would have sent me away long ago. Speaking from experience, you have no problem doing that.”
What an infuriating guy. What a persistent guy. What a…
Michinaga breathes. “I don’t know what you expect of me.” He admits. His voice is a little unsteady again. “No one’s ever had high expectations of me.”
“I expect you to do what you think you should do.” Ace replies meekly. “And you know, no matter what you choose to do, you’ll have me. You’ll always have me. To me, you’re precious, with all your good days and your bad days. You’re my family. “
Stupid Ukiyo Ace, who could have the purest, most supportive family ever, and he chooses Michinaga instead…
Michinaga hates crying in front of others. Hell, he hates crying even when he’s alone, promised he would never ever shed a single tear for someone who doesn’t deserve it. Promised himself he wouldn’t give anyone the pleasure of seeing him turning weak like that. After Tooru’s death, he swore there would be no tears, just revenge.
The tears he was already struggling to hide now run down his cheeks. When Ace pulls him against his chest and wraps his arms around him, when he kisses his hair and pats his back soothingly, Michinaga cries. He cries and cries, violent sobs shaking his whole body. He clings onto Ace and cries until he gets a headache, but Ace doesn’t let him go. He doesn’t stop him, either. He doesn’t make fun of him.
The world is a small, weird place, after all. And against all the odds and all his theories, Michinaga accepts his reality. He’s fallen for Ukiyo Ace, he wants to be with Ukiyo Ace, and Ukiyo Ace wants to be with him.
Finally, after what has felt like an eternity, Michinaga’s starved soul absorbs all the affection that’s being offered.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
“What did you tell him?”
It’s late at night, and they’re lying in Michinaga’s bed. Ace turns his head to look at him.
“Who?”
“My father.” Michinaga murmurs. “Who did you introduce yourself as?”
“Star of the Stars of the Stars, of course.”
“Cut the crap.”
“Geats?”
“Geats my ass, I’ll punch you!”
Ace smiles, reaches out to stroke his hair. “I told him I’m a good friend of yours and that you are healthy and proper. That you have a place to live, a proper job with good coworkers. Just in case he had been worried about you.”
Michinaga drops his gaze between them. Suddenly, he feels like he’s 17 years old again. “…and was he?”
Ace hums. “You cut ties with him completely, he didn’t know where to look for you. He had been worried, yes. I didn’t give him your information.” He adds quickly when he notices Michinaga tense. “That’s up to you to do if you ever decide to see him again. He admitted he didn’t know what to do with you and the constant issues you caused. He didn’t think you would never come back when-“
“When he told me to never come back.” Michinaga laughs. It’s a bitter sound, doesn’t carry any happiness in it. Ace nods.
“He said he doesn’t know how to bridge the gap between you now, if you even want to see him again. He admitted it’d be very awkward and painful. He said if you never want to see him again, he understands. And then he gave me the little buffalo, said it’s very important to you.”
So maybe there were sides of him that his father knew and understood, after all…but is there a point? After all this time?
Michinaga is different now. Maybe, just maybe, his father is different, too.
He swallows. Ace picks the stuffed animal from the nightstand, places it in Michinaga’s hands with a tender smile. “At least that explains a lot.”
Michinaga frowns. “You really wanna get beaten up, don’t you?”
Ace’s smile just grows wider, and he brushes over Michinaga’s cheek with his fingers. Comfort. Safety.
He has gone so long without these, he still has trouble adjusting.
“…is it ok if I don’t decide now?” he asks in nothing but a whisper. Ace’s smile slowly fades, giving it’s place to a tender expression. “What I want to do, is it ok if I don’t decide now?”
“Of course it’s ok.” Ace assures him. He leans closer, kissing his forehead. “Whatever you decide, whenever you decide it. And I’ll be here, no matter what.”
He doesn’t have answers, not now. But he has Ace, and as bizarre as that fact is, it’s also consoling.
Funny...
...........................................................................................................................