Archive of Our Own

A HAM
we're friends right

BURR(SIR)
No.

A HAM
dude come on
you were the first person i met when i got to america!! you bought me a drink !!!

BURR(SIR)
You then proceeded to ditch me to make out with John Laurens, and dedicated your entire political career to destroying mine.

A HAM
oh get over yourself
my political legacy is gonna revolve around WAY more than your bitter ass as soon as i figure out how to get past your thousands of stagnant nonpolicies
wait no ignore that im trying to be civil
look
phillip thinks hes in love with theodosia

BURR(SIR)
You motherfucker.

A HAM
please dont kill me

BEST OF WIVES
Can you pick up milk please? xx

A HAM
betsey, dearest, love of my life, best of wives and women
im in the white house
theres literally a cabinet meeting right now
the only reason i can text you right now is because of the minimal energy it takes to pay attention to the fountain of horseshit coming out of burrs mouth rn
seriously its spewing with so much force i can almost physically feel it
its like that time phillip flushed his soccer shorts down the toiler

BEST OF WIVES
Angelica's coming. Milk, Alexander.

A HAM
i will try

BEST OF WIVES
xxxxxx

A HAM
so thx for telling me you were coming

ANGELICA
It was a surprise, alex

A HAM
sweet as the notion is
generally i prefer some time to prepare for the chaos that is my household when youre here
because when you show up
peggy shows up
and john will show up
and he'll probably drag along hercules and gilbert
and that tends to end with people drunk or passed out in my office and phillip in the ER

Angelica
Alexander, that was one time
five years ago
and mr. schuyler isn't coming this time

A HAM
even worse

ANGELICA
You are a CHILD.

A HAM
brb gotta go smash burr and jeffersons heads together and hope that the combined friction of the two brain cells between them will produce something that isnt totally insane/destructive/fucking stupid

GEORGE MOTHERFUCKING WASHINGTON
Please stop texting during cabinet meetings.

A HAM
excuse me sir, but what are YOU doing rn??

GEORGE MOTHERFUCKING WASHINGTON
Don't sass me, Hamilton.

A HAM
yes sir
sorry sir
sir, please tell jefferson to stop throwing things at my head when your back is turned

GEORGE MOTHERFUCKING WASHINGTON
Something tells me I don't want the answer to this, but why aren't you just telling him yourself?

A HAM
bc he'll think youre like
omniscient or something
he might actually shit his pants
he might actually shut up for five minutes
itd be great, sir

A HAM
[image attached]

T JEFFS
I didnt make that face

A HAM
you did
you totally did
it was while you were waxing poetic about france
you got really into it
oooh should i get u a france themed vibrator for ur birthday

T JEFFS
I hope Theodosia and Phillip get married and have thousands of ugly children and you and Burr have to play happy fathers in law for the rest of your pathetic lives

A HAM
thats low man