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"Wait, where are you going, don't you think this is cool?"
I asked smiling as we ran towards the elevator.
"Why would you make this?"
They asked with a slightly quivering voice.
"Cause it was like our little slice of Heaven while we were in Hell!"
We reached the elevator block and teleported out of the room, they spun on their heels, and looked me in the eyes.
"I think you might have finally lost it."
And they ran out of the building above my creation.
While I was left standing silent and frozen.
I did it again. I don't know what I did. But I did it again.
Why does no one think this is as nice to be in as me? Why does no one want to stay? Why does no one think I did a good job?
I made a mistake. This is a mistake. I'm a mistake.
My ears were ringing, not like the sound of a bell, but the continuous single note of otherwise silence and disuse and the rushing of blood traveling through my body.
Someone had severed my vocal chords, and then took a needle to sew my lips closed just to be safe.
All the breath that had not yet been stolen passed through the void that was my throat, passing through the chasm swiftly and quietly, cold like ice.
"Bad?"
Oh. A voice. I don't know who or where it was coming from. But it was real. I think.
"What's going on, buddy?"
I'm someone's buddy?
"Hey, are you cold? You're shaking a little bit."
Oh. I guess I am. No, I'm not cold.
"Not feeling like talking right now? That's okay, I get it, some quiet time doesn't hurt."
I want to, I should be able to, but I can't. Can't whoever that is see that someone or something took away that ability? I tried to say something, make any kind of noise really, but I could only feel cold air where the heavy feeling of words usually were.
"Hey, don't force yourself, I understand. Can you nod or shake your head?"
I think so.
"Hey, there we go, good job."
I guess I nodded.
"Did something happen?"
Nod.
"Do you need anything?"
Shake.
"Do you wanna sit down?"
Nod.
"Can I touch you so we can sit down?"
Nod.
I felt something, I'm guessing it was whoever was talking's hands, on both my shoulders, and they helped sit me down.
"There we go. Do you want me to leave?"
Shake.
"Can I sit next to you?"
Nod.
So they did.
It was a strange sensation.
My vision hadn't blacked out, I could still see things happening around me, but it was kind of blurred around the edges, like a dream almost.
Same for my hearing, I knew there were probably sounds coming from the person sitting next to me and from myself and from the other life around us, but it almost sounded like tv static.
I came back to earth, in a way, after an undetermined amount of time, and regained my senses.
The ground I was sitting on was hard, of course it was, it's the ground.
I reached my hand out from sitting in my lap, curled into a fist and playing absentmindedly with a bit of my cloak, expecting to find the smooth floor at my fingertips, and instead brushing against soft grass. I lifted my head and looked around, expecting to see walls and decor, instead landing my eyes on other building structures and landscape. I plucked a flower that was growing with a small collection of others in arms reach and began to play with the delicate petals.
When did I get outside? Oh right someone was with me. When did we get outside?
My throat didn't feel as cold or empty, so I tried to clear it, testing the ability to make noise again, and apparently succeeded.
"Hey buddy."
Big eyes. Kind smile. Chiseled jawline.
"Foolish."
"The one and only. Feeling any better?"
I cleared my throat and let my eyes wander to the flowers again.
"Not totally up for taking yet still?"
"It's fine. Just. Don't know what to say."
"Would questions help?"
"Okay."
"Do you know what made you feel like this quiet time needed to happen?"
"Mhm."
"Do you wanna talk about it?"
"Maybe. Not right now though. Is that okay?"
"Course it is. Doesn't have to be any of my business if you don't want it to be. Wanna sit here a bit longer?"
"Okay."
I continued to fidget by messing with and picking at the skin around my fingers, because I didn't know what else to do, until my hands were gently separated.
I was confused and mentally searched for something to do with my source of physical stimming suddenly gone, until something was placed in my hands, a flower.
Foolish had moved to sit in front of instead of beside me, and was just moving his hands from hovering above mine after placing the flower, which I gently started to use as a fidget instead.
"Sorry. Just didn't want you to hurt yourself."
We made eye contact.
"I wasn't. I don't think."
He paused, mouth slightly agape.
"Oh. That's okay. Doesn't that feel better to mess with though?"
I moved the fingers on one hand to grasp the flower, the other five fingers brushing against the petals, gently taking in as much detail as I could.
"Maybe."
His eyes dropped slightly but his smile was still soft.
"Okay. I can work with that."
I continued to stim, occasionally glancing from the flower to Foolish, who's eyes searched the landscape, which I appreciated, being perceived in general isn't the greatest feeling but especially in moments like this, I cleared my throat to let him know it was okay to make eye contact again.
"Hi Bad."
"I'm sorry."
"What for?"
"I don't know. Everything. What I did."
"What did you do?"
I opened my mouth to respond, but stopped to consider the question. What did I do? Why was I apologizing? He must have seen the cogs in my brain turning so he spoke up.
"Are you apologizing because you think you should or because you know you should?"
"I think."
"I think so too. Why do you think you should? Because I think whatever you're feeling or whatever thoughts are playing pinball inside that head of yours just means you're alive."
My mouth stayed open like I was going to respond, but I didn't try saying anything, I just put down the flower.
"Foolish."
"Mhm?"
I leaned forward and wrapped my around him.
"Oh. Guess we're hugging. Okay."
My grasp loosened slightly in uncertainty. I should have asked. But he didn't loosen his, it actually got a bit tighter.
I guess this was okay. I guess I did okay. I guess I would be okay.