Chapter Text
It wasn’t that Arthur hated his family, more like he just wanted to spend as little time as possible with them. Half an hour or an hour at most was fine but anything longer and he started looking for any excuse to leave, and the only way this was possible was either by annoying them into avoidance or by having a non-family member to talk to.
He’d even managed both one Thanksgiving a few years ago, when his sister had brought home her new boyfriend from Australia who was 32 years old and couchsurfing across the US without more than $50 to his name. Arthur liked him not only because his parents disapproved but also because he talked about crocodiles and shark attacks, deadly snakes and poisonous spiders, and about 35 degrees (95 fahrenheit to Arthur) being the perfect summer temperature. To someone who grew up in Vermont which closest claim to fame was the Ben and Jerry’s factory, Australia sounded exotic and dangerous and exciting.
Last year Arthur had managed to skip Thanksgiving by claiming to be out of the country, which had managed to work considering no one in his family really knew what he did for a living besides something to do with working in a bank and travelling a lot, but his Mom had threatened to track him down herself if he didn’t visit this year.
Which is why he found himself trawling Craigslist on the 21st of November looking for someone to bring and pretend to be his boyfriend. His old colleague Yusaf had given him the idea when mentioning finding himself in a similar situation for a cousin’s wedding earlier in the year and recommended it.
After reading a couple of ads that sounded as if he’d be better off going alone, he finally found one that made him pause.
I am a 28 year old felon with no high school degree, and a dirty old van one year younger than me painted like Eddie Van Halen’s guitar. I can play anywhere between the ages of 20 and 29 depending on if I shave. I’m a line cook and work late nights at a bar. If you’d like me to be your strictly platonic date for Thanksgiving, but pretend to have me as your very long or serious relationship with you, to torment your family, I’m game.
I require no pay but the free meal I will receive at your guest!
- Do NOT contact me for any unsolicited services or offers
It seemed like the first genuine ad he’s come across so Arthur decided to send eamesemae a message.
Dear Eames,
I saw your ad offering your platonic services for Thanksgiving and wondered if you might still be available? I don’t really need anything from your optional services just looking to try and spend as little time as possible with my family and hoping that bringing a date will allow me both time away from them and someone else to talk to.
If you’re available your company would be required from lunch time Thursday until Friday morning, at my family home in Vermont. It’s just myself, one older sister and my parents, and all food and accommodation (separate beds) would be provided for.
Please let me know at your earliest convenience if you are available.
Kind regards,
Arthur Wright
Not wanting to linger desperately waiting for a reply Arthur closed his laptop, poured himself a glass of wine, and turned on the TV.
****
Arthur woke up with a hangover. As it was Sunday morning this wasn’t such a bad thing until he remembered his message to the stranger on Craigslist the night before and promptly vomited.
It was only after three cups of coffee and with much trepidation that he finally opened his laptop and checked his emails. There was one email from Netflix letting him know about a new TV show added they thought he might like, another from his bank asking if he’d like to extend his credit limit again, and just below that an email from Craigslist letting him know he’d received a new message. Arthur held his breath and opened the email.
Dear Arthur,
Thanks for your message. I wasn’t originally meant to be free but plans have just fallen through at the last minute so I’m now available. Free dinner and a comfy bed for the night sounds great. I’m actually just across the border in Montreal at the moment so no hassle to get to VT. Depending on the city can prob be there by midday on Thanksgiving and go from there or come in day before if you want to meet and discuss plans? If you can cover me $60 for bus ticket would be great as pretty skint but no worries if not.
Just let me know the plan,
Eames.
Arthur was momentarily floored. He hadn’t expected a reply. And he hadn’t expected the reply to be so...relaxed. This guy, Eames, seemed perfectly happy travelling across the border to spend Thanksgiving at a complete stranger’s house simply for food and a bed? This either made him incredibly mad or incredible brave. And then Arthur realised he wasn’t sure if he meant himself or Eames.
Instead he took a deep breath and wrote back.
Dear Eames,
If you could come in Wednesday that would be appreciated, I can put you up in a hotel in the area and we can talk through the plan for the time with my family.
No problem to reimburse you for the bus fare, trust me it will be worth it for any time away from my family you can help with. My family home is in Burlington, there’s a major bus depot so you should be able to get here directly from Montreal.
If you could let me know once you’ve booked your bus ticket I will organise accommodation for Wednesday evening.
Kind regards,
Arthur
P.S my email is [email protected] if it’s easier to communicate that way.
***
From: [email protected]
Subject: Thanksgiving
Arthur,
That’s fantastic - thanks. Bus ticket booked, I get into Burlington at 11am on Wednesday.
Where do you live then if not Vermont? By the way, didn’t mention in my post but I actually hail from the exotic land of England and I’m afraid I can’t do much about my accent, is that okay? I can do anything from the Queen’s English to Essex cockney but nothing from the US.
Eames
***
Dear Eames,
No problem in regards to the accent, it will probably help as it will be more difficult for them to track you down after and invite you for Christmas.
I live in Philly - it’s a great city and close enough to home that I can visit occasionally but not have to frequently. I’ll meet you at the bus depot at 11am, I’ve booked you a room at the Hilton where I’m also staying for that evening and then we’ll head to my parents about 10am if that’s amendable.
Kind regards,
Arthur
***
Arthur,
Wow - thanks! Don’t think I’ve managed much more than a free meal from this platonic services let alone a room at a Hilton. Will definitely make the day worth your trouble.
See you on Wednesday. th.
Eames.
***
Eames,
See you then. By the way my mobile is 010458635463 if you need to contact me.
Kind regards,
Arthur
***
01552368621: Arthur, just checking how old u r and how old I’m meant 2 b? As I said in the ad i can pass for any age in 20s. E
Arthur: Hi Eames, I’m 27 so anything late 20’s appearance wise would be great. How old are you really? Arthur
Eames: I’m 28, all perfectly legal ;) E
Arthur: Surely legality wouldn’t be an issue anyway for simply platonic services? See you on Wednesday. Arthur
Eames: Night. E
_____________________
Thanksgiving dawned quicker than Arthur had imagined. Not wanting to get up at 3am and drive 6 and a half hours to meet Eames, Arthur drove up the day of the 24th and settled into a relaxing night at the hotel. He ordered a steak and salad from room service and a glass of merlot and was asleep by 10pm, the long day of driving had exhausting him past the point of nervousness about the next day and meeting Eames. And if everyone in his dreams talked in a British accent, Arthur didn’t notice.