Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

There is something to be said about the kindness of a comfort food. Somehow, in one tiny taste, a comfort food can alter your entire mood, can alleviate all your stress, can transport you back in time, to a place of innocence and blissful naivety. 

Hope Lupin’s comfort food was her mother’s pumpkin cookies. The treats are a piece of fall; earthy yet sweet, with the slightest cinnamon spice, perfect for brightening Hope’s spirit. A pumpkin cookie, after a hard day’s work, was the perfect pick me up. 

Hope spent most of her days in the hospital, a nurse in A&E. She’d gotten used to the sights by now: to the blood and anguish, to the everlasting grip of panic that lurked around every corner, tauntingly telling her that today is the day . Today will be the day she loses it. The gore will get to her, she’ll lose focus, lose someone’s life. She’ll ruin everything, her work, her family. She’ll come home and won’t be able to love her son anymore, unable to feel anything more than the fear and guilt that consumes her. She’ll become distant. She’ll stop touching Lyall, stop talking to Remus, stop laughing and loving and eating, until she is nothing more than a rotted and beaten corpse of her former self. 

But then, after 40 minutes driving back into the country, white knuckled and jaw clenched, she’ll arrive home to her Mam’s pumpkin cookies. Remus and Mam will have spent the entire day in the kitchen, cooking up a storm, since they know the cookies are Hope’s favourite, since they know life is hard, but loving is easy. She’ll look at her flour covered son, her bent-over-with-age mother, and take one simple bite. A bite filled with so much warmth and care she can practically feel her love for them thrumming against her chest. She’ll be taken back to childhood, to simplicity, but she’ll be grounded in this life, too. One where she gets to spend every day with the people she loves, one where she gets to taste something so spectacular and scrumptious on a daily basis. It nearly startles her, that something so good and pure and bursting with love could come from her three year old’s grubby little hands. Hope, as with all new mothers, knows her son is perfect. But, Hope had never once expected perfection from him- she’s never wanted it. Remus is a toddler and a human, there is no need for perfection, for the sheer excellence her son’s existence brings. Not yet, at least.

Of course, Hope knows Remus isn’t baking by himself. In fact, he probably only watches Mam from the counter, wide eyed and curious, patient and observant. Remus has always liked to watch. He likes to be careful, likes to know the outcome before he makes a decision. Hope just wishes that he’d play, that he’d talk to kids his age, that he’d be free . Maybe that’s why these cookies mean so much to Hope. Because when Remus bakes, he is free. At least, as free as a three year old can be, if his persistently batter-covered attire is anything to go by.

Hope loves her cookies because they remind her of her lovely little childhood, but also the childhood Remus has yet to face. Pumpkin cookies are joyful squeals and jumps in fallen leaves. Their a good book by the fire, and a long lie in after Halloween. Pumpkin cookies are contentment. 

They are the evidence that Hope Lupin has loved and been loved, and that Remus Lupin is destined for the same fate. It’s comfort. It’s nostalgia. But ultimately, it’s love. Always, always, without a doubt.

Love.

—

Remus is six years old, and can’t stand his mother’s pestering. He doesn’t understand why, after two years of this, she still worries. She knows what the outcome will be. Remus Lupin will either die tonight, or he won’t. Simple as that.

Remus has had to come to terms with a lot of things over the last two years. Death, for the most part. He doesn’t quite understand it. But he knows it’s the reason Nain is no longer here, the reason why Mam comes home from work with that haunted look in her eyes, knows that it's all people ever see when they look at him.

Once, at one of Tad’s work parties, Remus overheard a breathy woman ask who the group would like to have dinner with, Dead or Alive. Remus thought the obvious answer was Dead. Or, Death, as Remus discovered to be the grammatically correct name for the being.

Remus had so many questions for Death. Why do you exist? Do you like taking people? Why do you do what you do? Why do you split up families? Is my Nain comfortable, wherever she is? Why did you take her, and not me? Why didn’t you want me? Do even you not like werewolves? Are you punishing me for being one? Is that why you left me behind ?

Remus often thinks, if given the chance, he’d rather like to give Death a piece of his mind. 

These thoughts have been near inescapable as of late. Remus just stews and stews in it. He barely speaks anymore, the thoughts are too suffocating. Remus doesn’t want to think about what would happen, if he opened his mouth and lost control. If the questions spilled out. If he revealed how curious and angry and so, earth-shatteringly scared he was. 

Remus likes to think he’s got a good handle on things. The full moon scares him to bits- he still doesn’t quite comprehend what happens to him, or why his Tad needs to put him in chains so tight they make his wrists bleed- but he’s used to it. He doesn’t need Mam to flutter around him, checking his temperature and fluffing his pillows and making him soup. He’s tired of it. He hates being the centre of attention, and while he knows his Mam is coming from a good place, he can’t help but feel like a burden. She does so much already, the last thing she needs is a sickly son to look after. Remus should be the one taking care of her . That’s how it should work. 

Not for the first time, Remus wished he was older.

Maybe Older Remus would know how to deal with all these feelings . Maybe he could cook for Ma, pay rent on the house. Maybe he could shake that haunted, disgusted look from Tad’s eyes. Maybe, just maybe, he could actually make his parents proud.

But current Remus, sick with his third cold of the month as he awaited the night’s moon rise, had none of those capabilities. All he could do was sit, and try whatever meal Mam had cooked up for him.

Since that very first full moon, Mam had been in some kind of craze, head set on finding him the perfect pick-me-up.

There was cottage pie, mac and cheese, apple turnover, ooey-gooey triple chocolate brownies, and everything in between. She would watch him like a hawk as he ate, ready for this to be it . The magical food that suddenly cured Remus of his lycanthropy.

But Remus could never be cured. Even he knew that. And seeing the disappointment in Ma’s face, every time without fail, well, it got to Remus. He’d gone so far as to fake his comfort, but Mam, as all mothers could, saw right through him. 

“Honey?” Mam’s voice broke through his brooding, as she tiptoed across the creaky floorboards of Remus’ bedroom, “are you up?”

Remus nodded, and rubbed at his eyes. Pushing up from his near catatonic state, he sat against his headrest, watching his Mam as she gently settled beside him.

She placed a tea tray over his lap, looking at him with soft eyes and an even softer smile. Remus scowled down at the plate, which housed a mug of hot cocoa and a plate of gingerbread cookies.

Mam swept her hands over the hair matted to his forehead.

“I know you might be in a bit too much pain to enjoy the Christmas festivities this year,” she said delicately, “but I just thought…” a glint of mischief sparkled in her eyes. She waved her hand in the air with a flair of drama. “Why should Santa Claus have all the fun? My Remmy deserves a treat too!”

Remus thought on this. He fiddled with the handle of the mug, looking at the tempting drink. Christmas was in 2 days, and Remus usually took a week to recover from the full moon. Remus didn’t want to think about what that meant for his holiday this year.

“Santa drinks milk,” Remus pointed out, almost too quiet to hear.

“Well that’s because Santa is a great, giant bore !”

“Mam!” Remus admonished. He glanced around the room, hoping Santa hadn’t heard from wherever it was he stayed.

“He is!” Mam cackled, “who would ever want to drink that much milk in one night? No one sane, that’s for sure.”

Remus shook his head, and looked down at his lap. She needed to stop talking like that, or they wouldn’t get any presents this year.

Remus was already skating on some pretty thin ice.

See, Santa was the only one who could see him. Remus couldn’t talk to anyone- not his friends, his therapist, his cousins. He could only brave words for Mam and Tad. He relied on Santa- no, he needed Santa- to see Remus and know he had a good heart, to see his actions over his words, to deem him worthy of a gift even if he was unlike every other six year old boy on the planet. If Santa could see his mind, then he would know Remus is good. Not weird, or different, or even brave, just good. All he wanted was to be good. But if Mam kept acting like this… all that would be for nothing.

Mam pinched his stomach playfully.

“Oh come on. Don’t you agree? Hot cocoa is much nicer than plain old milk. Who could ever choose milk over cocoa?”

Remus was pretty uncomfortable with the conversation, but he did find a little amusement in his mother’s question.

“It’s probably easier,” he admitted.

“Hm?”

“He has to drink it really quickly, so milk is easier. He would burn his tongue too much, if he asked for hot cocoa.”

“Ahh, of course!” Mam slapped her palm to her forehead, “how could I not think of that?”

Remus shrugged and went back to fiddling with the mug. Mam leaned next to him, nudging her elbow to his shoulder.

“It’s a good thing we’ve got a bit of time then, isn’t it? No need to rush our cocoa.”

Remus contemplated this. Even if it wasn’t an exact replica of Santa’s Christmas snack, it did look pretty yummy.

“Go on, try it. I decided to play around with it. I used milk from one of Auntie Faith’s sheep, if you can believe it. And get this,” Mam leaned in close, as if revealing her darkest secret, “I even put chilli powder in it. And orange zest. ” 

Remus inhaled sharply, and looked up at Mam in horror. He removed his hand from the mug, tucking them politely across his lap. Mam laughed at the gesture.

“No, Cariad, I promise it’s good.”

Remus did not have his mother's confidence. But despite all her pestering, Remus was rather fond of his mother and her antics, and decided to humour her. 

He took a slow, uncertain sip.

His senses were immediately assaulted with flavour. It stunned Remus, the contrast between the chili, orange, and chocolate. But surprisingly, it wasn’t bad. In fact, as Remus licked his lips, he discovered it was actually quite good. The heat from the spice and temperature utterly warmed him, as if he could take the experience of laying by the fire on a snowy day and ingest it. He imagined the drink going down his oesophagus and directly to his heart, wrapping around the organ with the sweetest hug. He experienced every season simultaneously, the crisp and tangy sweetness of spring and summer, the rusty leaves and bonfires of fall, the coziness of a cool winter’s day. Remus hadn’t even noticed himself hug the mug closer to himself, taking sip after sip. He didn’t notice the way he embraced his mothers touch, letting her cradle him. He didn’t notice his eyes slip closed, or the content smile the pressed his lips up in the corner. He simply embraced the drink, letting it pool in his belly.

“How do you feel now?” Mam eventually whispered, caught somewhere between smugness and sweetness. 

Remus sighed pleasantly, and stifled a yawn.

“I feel alright,” he replied.

And for the first time, maybe since he was bitten, he actually meant it.

—

Remus wasn’t entirely sure how he’d been sorted into Gryffindor. It must have been a mistake, a prank, anything but reality. His Tad thought he’d be sorted into Ravenclaw, but Remus never had such high expectations. He thought it was a given that he’d be sorted into Hufflepuff. He had the gentle demeanour, the unassuming nature, the will to stay hidden in the shadows, out of sight. Secretly, Remus wondered if he’d be a Slytherin, what with the whole dark creature thing he had going on. But no, he was somehow, unmistakably and inexplicably, sorted into Gryffindor , of all places.

He supposed it didn’t really matter what house he was sorted into. It’s not like Remus would speak to anyone, not like Remus would actually represent the house he was sorted into. There would be no bonding with like minded individuals, there would be no community.

In the months leading up to his departure, Tad had driven a clear message into his head. Remus was a werewolf, and no fancy wizarding school could change that. Remus could make as many friends as he wanted, but at the end of the day they’d still think he was a monster.

It was all he could think about, those final words his Tad had whispered to him on the platform.

He had tugged Remus in close, kissed him on the head, then said,

“Look at these kids, Remus. Look at how happy they are, how carefree.”

Remus had followed Tad’s instructions, taking in the sights of weepy parents and exuberant children.

“You will never be like them, Remus. You will never be free.”

“Tad-” Remus had squirmed.

“No, let me say this.”

Tad backed away slightly, looking at Remus with guilt and concern.

“You can’t get too close to them, Remus. They’ll never understand you. They’ll try, but they’ll never see you as human. You’ve got to protect yourself. No one can do it for you anymore. You only have yourself. You’ll only ever have yourself.”

Remus looked away uncomfortably. Tad let him.

“It pains me to say it, but I must. You’ll never be normal, Kid. And so long as that’s true, you must keep yourself at a distance. Don’t let anyone get too close. I don’t even want to think about what would happen if someone found out-”

“They won’t.”

“But if they did-”

“No, Tad,” Remus said firmly, full of false confidence, “I won’t let that happen. I understand.”

Tad smiled bitterly, and stroked Remus’ cheek.

“I know,” Tad had replied wistfully, “I just worry.”

Remus had kept to his word.

It was intentional at first. He brushed off his dormmates' attempts at friendship. He tucked his head down, focused on his studies. He had so much to catch up on. Despite being a half-blood and a werewolf, there was so much about magic he didn’t understand. He feared he’d never understand, that he’d be an outsider to the wizarding world for a completely different reason, lumped in with all the ditsy muggleborns. 

He made sure to only speak directly to professors, and no one else. It was a challenge, but most of the time he could do it. He only answered questions when explicitly asked. He was perfectly polite and quiet, and made sure no one thought he was anything more than a boring swot.

Eventually, at some point near the end of October, Remus suddenly found himself incapable of speaking to his peers. Sirius and James, ever persistent in the battle for Remus’ affection and attention, asked if Remus would like to partake in a Halloween costume with them. Remus meant to politely decline, with a simple and soft no. However, when he opened his mouth to speak, he was accosted with the memory of Tad’s warning. It drowned out his thoughts. Echoed around his brain. He was taken back to when he was first bitten, when the act of speaking felt insurmountable, when he was desperate for people to hear him, to see him, but couldn’t even get his own mouth to work. He remembered the helplessness of it all, the stupidity he had felt, the way adults had looked at him like he was destined for more, and they way they looked when they realized he wasn’t. He was so lost in the panic, he hadn’t noticed the boys’ uncertain glances, their sagging shoulders, the defeated way in which they left the room.

By the time Remus had calmed down, prepared to answer their question, the boys had been gone for 10 minutes.

—

“What’s it like to live in a dorm with Sirius?”

Remus ignored the question. He rubbed his hands together, staving off the frostbite threatening to nip off his fingers. 

“Remus?”

Remus huffed and grunted, realigning himself against the slippery, frozen broom between his thighs.

“I bet he’s loud. Is he loud? I bet he never gives you a moment of peace.”

Once settled on his broom, Remus finally looked to his flying partner, a pretty Slytherin named Emmeline. Emmeline must have been a pureblood, and well versed with the ways of flying. She lay against her broom as if it were a bed, one leg propped in the air. She lazed about, floating in circles around Remus, who, in their 5 months at Hogwarts, had yet to take flight.

“Ah, don’t look at me like that. I only ask cuz his cousin is a prefect- and she’s proper shrill when she wants to be.”

Remus stared at her flatly, then returned his focus to his broom. Whoever thought flying lessons should be taught in the dead of winter deserved to have their wand snapped.

“You don’t talk much, do you?”

That was an understatement. Remus was nearly brought to laughter with it. Remus had lost the will to talk to even Madame Pomfrey, let alone his other teachers or classmates. Even Lily, who he’d been able to exchange a few pleasantries with back in September, hadn’t been able to bring back his speech. He’d always been quiet, but this was worrisome. Remus thought he might never regain speech again. He hoped he’d still be able to talk to his parents when he went home in summer, but that was yet to be determined.

“I can help you with your flying, you know. You only need to ask.”

Remus grunted, and tried to kick off the ground. Still nothing.

“Oi! Oi, Remus! Look at this!” Sirius’ eager voice came echoing down from where he flew above them. He’d somehow managed to get himself into a handstand, and looked at Remus expectantly, waiting to be praised for his impressive aerobatics. 

“He’s such a show off, isn’t he?” Emmeline said, though her eager tone made him think she was rather impressed by Sirius’ move. Sirius winked, and directed his broom closer to them.

“Look! I can even do it one handed- oof! ”

Sirius went tumbling down, rolling over the frozen ground.

“Owwwwww,” Sirius moaned, swaddling his elbow, “ow, ow, ow! Remus, hellllp meeeeee.”

Remus looked the opposite direction.

“It really hurts. Remus. Remus. Remus, it hurts. Like, really bad. Remus, help. No one does episkey like you. Help me, Remus. I need help. Remus.”

Remus, mortified by the attention, glanced back at Sirius. He shook his head quickly, panicked and annoyed. Sirius pouted in response.

“See how he wounds me, Emily?”

Emmeline , Remus grunted in his head. Her name is Emmeline .

Emmeline giggled, dismounting her broom and helping Sirius back on to his feet.

“See how he treats his best friend? You wouldn’t treat your best friend that way, would you? Always a brooder, our dear Remus. Can’t think of anyone but himself.”

Remus audibly scoffed at that.

Sirius, who had begun to orbit Emmeline, quickly looked at Remus, elated just to have his attention.

“I think you ought to take me to the hospital wing, Remus. You’re the reason I’m like this after all.”

Sirius shoved his skinned elbow in Remus’ face, as if it were proof Remus was at fault. Remus scowled in the face of this so called evidence.

“Oh, don’t make that face, Remus,” Sirius whined, “You know I hate it. Just be a good sport and take me to the hospital wing.”

Remus blinked, undeterred.

“I think your flying buddy is supposed to take you, if there’s an accident,” Emmeline piped in. Sirius ignored her. “Where is Potter, anyway?”

“Off wooing the carrot,” Sirius said, waving his hand dismissively, “so obviously, I need my best mate Remus to-”

“Remus is my partner,” Emmeline crossed her arms over her chest, “if you wanted him to be yours, you should have said something at the beginning of class.”

“I-”

“But you didn’t, did you? So Remus was left all alone to be partnered with me . A Slytherin. I know how much you hate Slytherins. If you were really Remus’ friend, would you have let him partner with one?”

Remus felt himself swell with pride. It was nice to be defended- even if over something so menial.

“Well-”

“No, you wouldn’t have. So don’t come over here trying to steal my partner when you probably don’t even like him.”

“I like him!” 

“Really,” Emmeline replied flatly. Remus felt caught between them, like a favourite chew toy stuck between owner and pet. Remus couldn’t say he minded the feeling, as paralyzing as it was.

“Remus! Tell her we’re friends! Tell her she doesn’t know what she’s talking about, and she should keep her dirty little nose to herself.”

Remus raised his eyebrows at Emmeline over Sirius’ shoulder. Sirius caught the look, stuttering with indignation.

“Okay, tell her that I’m trying to be your friend- if only you weren’t so stubborn!”

Remus shrugged. Sirius let out a shout of frustration.

“Remus, darling. Look at me. Come on, Remus. You don’t really want to stay here with some girl do you? A Slytherin, at that? Don’t you want to hang out with me, Remus? With James and Peter too? We can make a big deal out of my injury, maybe get the whole afternoon off from classes. And then we could plan some pranks and…”

Remus began to tune Sirius out. He must admit, he was getting rather caught up in Sirius’ infectious energy. But no, he couldn’t plan pranks, or take the afternoon off mourning his friend’s skinned elbow. Remus didn’t have friends. He never would.

“Remus? Are you listening?”

“I think he wants you to leave,” Emmeline said, tough and protective.

“No-”

“Black, just leave! Obviously he doesn’t want you here.”

“Don’t speak on his behalf-”

“I don’t have to!” Emmeline gestured to Remus in exasperation, “he looks like he’s going to break down crying just cuz you're speaking. He didn’t look like that five minutes ago, when you weren’t bothering him.”

“But-” Sirius started. He cut himself off quickly when he noticed the changes in Remus’ demeanour. That familiar disheartened, dejected look befell his face. Remus’ skin crawled to think that he, once again, put it there. 

Emmeline took advantage of their silence.

“Professor! Sirius fell off his broom!” She called in a rather shrill voice.

The professor was on him quick, cooing over Sirius like a mother hen. In a matter of minutes, Sirius was gone. Emmeline returned to the air, smug as ever.

Remus was feeling a lot of things; guilt, annoyance, relief. Most of all, he felt awed. Emmeline had gotten rid of Sirius, a near impossible task. And she’d done it because Remus was uncomfortable. Hell, Emmeline probably had a crush on Sirius, and yet she still sent him away.

Thank you, he said to himself, emphatic as possible.

Emmeline smiled, like she’d won a prize.

“You’re welcome.”

Remus looked at her sharply.

Did I…?

“You did,” she confirmed.

Remus couldn’t believe it. He’d spoken. Out Loud. 

Remus’ grin matched Emmeline’s.

That evening, after a dinner full of Sirius’ pitiful wails and grabs for attention, Emmeline appeared in front of Remus. Not minding the Gryffindors glaring her down, she plopped herself across the table from Remus, and slid over a steaming cup of cocoa.

Remus blinked at her, not understanding her sudden arrival, or her gift.

“I’ve decided we’re going to be best friends,” She said assertively, pushing the unacknowledged mug closer to Remus.

Remus’ face shifted into a worried little frown.

“Me and you are alike, you see. We’re both different. I don’t like Slytherins, and you don’t like Gryffindors.”

Remus wanted to contest that. He didn’t hate Gryffindors. He was scared of them.

“So I thought, who better to befriend than another house traitor?”

Remus fidgeted, playing with the cuffs of his sleeves, avoiding eye contact.

“I’ve been watching you, Remus. I know you don’t have any friends. I know you don’t speak to people,” Emmeline watched him victoriously, much like a predator entrapping its prey, “but you spoke to me. That’s got to mean something, right?”

Remus cocked his head, and thought about this. He knew he couldn’t have friends, but maybe Emmeline didn’t count? Emmeline wasn’t in his house, they didn’t share a lot of classes together. She would never notice Remus’ monthly disappearances. Plus, she was a girl. Girls definitely didn’t count.

“Anyway, you don’t have to answer now. But I thought I’d make my intentions clear. Now, drink up. Don’t let my cocoa go to waste. I got that directly from the kitchens, you know.”

“The kitchens?” Remus asked before he could stop himself. 

Emmeline smiled wickedly, a cat who just got the cream.

“The kitchens,” She leaned forward, bringing her voice into a whisper, “I can show you, if you’d like. But I only take my best friends, so…”

He tucked his smile away, drawing up the mug to his lips, and taking a large, soothing sip. Remus felt his shoulders drop, his features relax.

“Ok,” he said simply, between gulps.

“Ok?”

“I’ll think about it,” he said, with a slight tease.

Emmeline laughed loudly, drawing even more attention to herself. 

“You won’t regret this, Lupin.”

Remus rather thought he would. But that would be an issue for a different Remus. For now, Remus was just happy to have a friend.

—

“I don’t know what you see in her,” Mary scoffed, emphasising her frustration with a particularly rough turn of her page. “She’s nothing but a great big shit-stirrer. And you know I don’t care about house loyalty or any of that nonsense, but really Remus? A Slytherin?”

Remus steadfastly ignored his study partner. It was March of second year, and he already felt like he was falling behind.

“I understand why you’d be friends with her at first, but come on, you have me and Lily now. You can ditch her. She can’t be that much better than us.”

Remus sent her a brief, reprimanding stare. Mary rolled her eyes, and continued her favourite activity as of late- glaring at Emmeline Vance.

Emmeline flitted about the library. Technically, Emmeline was serving detention with Madam Pince for vanishing Snape’s robes the weekend prior. Remus had thought the attack was a bit extreme. Snape had only called Remus a mute freak. Remus wasn’t bothered by the comment, Snape wasn’t exactly wrong. But Emmeline would not stand for bullying of any kind. Not only had she vanished his robes in retaliation, but she began to mock him. Loudly. She teased him until everyone in the library, and later the entire school, became aware of the fact Severus Snape wore tighty whities with tiny purple cauldrons on them. 

So, Emmeline was sentenced to 5 hours in the library, reorganising the stacks. Emmeline, in the most Emmeline fashion possible, managed to make her detention quite sociable, gladly chatting with any student of any age. Sure, if you weren’t friends with Emmeline, she’d come across as a bit nosy and presumptuous, but the students took it with great stride. Emmeline was shaping up to be one of the prettiest girls in their year, and everyone, both boys and girls, couldn’t help but fall for her charms. Everyone, except for Mary MacDonald, that is.

Mary was Emmeline’s biggest competition for the title of ‘prettiest girl in second year.’ So far, they’d already fought over two boys, Sirius Black and Fabian Prewett. Nothing came of those crushes- Fabian was a 6th year with no interest in 13 year old girls, and Sirius took the mickey out of any ‘bird’ who batted her eyes at him. Still, a clear feud had sprung up between the two girls. Remus wished he could understand why.

“She’s such a brown-noser. She wants people to like her so much, it makes me sick. Like, you can’t just smile and flirt your way out of everything. At some point, you have to be honest with yourself and admit you have no discernible attributes besides your looks and your charms. And look, I know she thinks I’m a bitch, but I’d rather be a bitch than an airhead.”

Remus sighed heavily, slamming his book closed. Mary barely payed him any attention, eyes glued to Emmeline. Emmeline brushed past a table of older Gryffindors, including one Fabian Prewett. She paused to talk with them. Fabian looked pleased enough by her presence, neither annoyed nor incredibly interested, but he offered her a kind smile. The others chatted with her amiably. Emmeline threw her head back with raucous laughter, so bright and all consuming, everyone in the library looked on enviously at whoever had made her react in such a way. Eventually, Emmeline moved on, hips swaying in a showy, fake way. It wasn’t for anyone’s benefit, though. Remus knew well that Emmeline still carried a flame for Sirius, and hated herself heavily for it.

Mary scoffed at the display, and looked the opposite direction, a pained look pinching at her face.

“Why do boys like her so much? She’s nothing but a loud mouthed, attention seeking gossip. I mean, honestly, does that girl ever shut up?”

Remus looked from his half finished homework to Mary, and raised an eyebrow. He didn’t need to point out how hypocritical she was being. Mary flushed, and tucked her chin down in shame.

“M’sorry. I know she’s your friend.”

Remus hummed, shuffling through his parchments.

Remus liked Mary. She was quick witted and loyal, with a fierce competitive streak. Mary was a blast to be around, you never could be bored in her company. Last year, after Remus and Emmeline’s scandalous debut as ‘best friends,’ Mary had caught on quickly, discovering the main way to Remus' heart was to talk. She talked enough for the two of them. Unlike Emmeline, she never expected Remus to reply. She barely left room for him, even if he wanted to. 

Emmeline liked to ask questions. She liked to engage Remus, wanted to give him a chance to respond, whether that be verbal or not. It was kind, and Remus appreciated the way she accepted him, flaws and all. But there was something relaxing about Mary’s rapid fire approach to conversations. She took the brunt of the load easily and enthusiastically. It took pressure off of Remus. He knew that when they hung out, Remus only had to listen, and that was enough. Mary didn’t ask questions that expected answers. She asserted things, and Remus could either agree or disagree, when or if he wanted too. It took the challenge and choice out of speaking, and Remus had really grown to embrace that. If only his two friends could get along, Remus thinks he’d find the perfect equilibrium for socialising. 

“Let's talk about something else,” Mary righted herself, sitting up a bit straighter, “Did you see Lily’s new hair? The bob is cute, but makes her look a bit boyish, especially with how flat chested she is. I told her just as much, but she hexed me for it! I don’t know why, I was just looking out for her. If she wants boys to like her, she shouldn’t go out of her way to look unattractive. Which, admittedly, is hard for Lils to do. Lily has a very goddess-like aura to her, wouldn’t you say? People always say inner beauty is what matters, but I feel like Lily doesn’t really have an inner beauty. That sounds wrong. She has one, but its so beautiful its no longer inner.”

Remus scratched his cheek. One thing he didn’t like about his conversations with Mary was that they tended to end up focusing on looks. Remus didn’t think their was anything wrong with valuing your appearance, but he knew he wasn’t much of a looker. It made him wonder what Mary said about him to her other friends.

“You’re like that too, now that I think about it. You just exude the aura of a warm hug. Just sitting next to you is like cozying up with a good movie and a cup of hot cocoa. No wonder everyone wants to be your friend.”

Remus blinked. Excuse me?

“Aha! Look at your face,” Mary giggled, leaning forward to survey him, “surely, you must know. That’s why Sirius and James are so obsessed with you.”

“They’re not…” Remus replied lamely, only half believing his own argument. 

“What? Serious? Remus, they follow you around like lost puppies begging to be loved. ‘Oh Remus, do you want to copy my homework? Remus, do you want to watch my quidditch practice? Remus, can you show me that spell again? You’re so good at defence, I bet you’ll get an O this year. Oh Remus, did I tell you I love you more than Lily Evans? Remus-”

Remus grunted, crossing his arms over his chest. Mary broke into a fit of giggles.

“Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed!”

Remus opened his mouth, and shut it promptly. Mary giggled even harder.

“Oh my god, you have! Why don’t you put them out of their misery then? Either shack up and become the most annoying mates Hogwarts has ever seen, or tell them to shove off.”

Remus shook his head. A hard, defensive force slammed within his chest.

It was true. Despite giving James, Peter, and Sirius the cold shoulder for all of first year, the boys still persisted. James often declared that he wouldn’t rest until all four of them were friends, that no peace would be had until they were intimate buddies. Sirius would then go on, citing Remus’ ‘roguish good looks’ and his ‘penchant for secrets’ as the reason he took an interest in Remus. Remus’ cheeks heated at the memory of that specific line.

“Look at you, blushing away like that!” Mary cackled, poking his cheek, “be honest, you're smitten with them, aren’t you? Really, If they can make Professor McGonogall besotted, they can make you.”

Remus shoved her arm away, but didn’t deny it.

Truth was, Remus had warmed to James and Sirius’ antics. How could he not? They were fun and playful, stupid and loving. They made Remus feel like a normal boy. Remus didn’t even know he was capable of feeling normal. And even though Remus pushed them away, even though he never said a single word to them, they still treated him with kindness. Still asked if he’d want to hang out, if he’d want to partner with them in class, if he’d want to share the treats sent from their homes. Remus was incredibly besotted with their capacity for friendship.

The only thing holding him back was the fear of what their friendship would bring. Sirius had already begun to pick up on Remus’ habits: his moodiness before the moon, his achy movements after. At the end of first year, Peter had even asked where he disappeared to all the time. That moment haunted Remus to this day. He’d been utterly paralyzed. Not only could he not speak, but he couldn’t move, couldn’t blink, couldn’t breathe . Sirius clocked this pretty early into his panic, and had ushered the boys out of the dorm. They never spoke about it, in a painfully intentional way. It was times like that when Remus remembered all he couldn’t have. 

But at least he had Emmeline and Mary, and sometimes Lily (though, if he was being honest, Lily scared the living daylights out of him. Lily was quiet and liked to observe. She saw far too much of Remus for his liking.) At least he knew they would never look too much into his sickness, his disappearances. They would never find out Remus’ secret. Never.

“Oi, what’s all this then?” Emmeline asked loudly, as she finally sauntered up to their table. Mary stopped laughing immediately. “Is MacDonald secretly funny? Why, I never knew you had it in you!”

“Leave us alone, Vance. I rather liked my lunch. I’d hate to spew it all over you.”

“MacDonald!” Emmeline mockingly gushed, a hand to her chest, “I make you that nervous? You should have said!”

Emmeline turned to Remus then, smug as ever.

“Isn’t Mary cute? All worked up over her little crush?”

Mary looked downright murderous. If looks could kill, Emmeline would be a goner, playful pout exploding under the sheer force of Mary’s eyes.

“Cut it out, you two,” Remus said half heartedly, knowing that they would never listen to him once they got going.

“Emmeline, don’t you have places to be? Detention to serve? Boys to suck off?”

“Mary!” Remus scolded. Emmeline put a hand on Remus’ shoulder, her eyes lighting up with Mary’s challenge.

“At least I have boys to suck off.”

A lie. Emmeline had never even kissed a boy. Girls, on the other hand…

“As if. No one would touch you with a ten foot pole.”

“You’re right. Their poles are much bigger,” Emmeline waggled her brows.

Remus sighed, slumping back in his seat.

“How I managed to become friends with the two crassest girls in all of Hogwarts, I’ll never know.”

“Oh, shove it, Remus. We all know you’re just as mouthy as we are. You just have the sense to keep it in your head.”

“Vance’s right, you’re not one to talk. I’ve seen the romance novels your read.”

Remus blushed. He was a bit overwhelmed by their team up, but if it meant they were working together for once, Remus would have to sacrifice himself.

“I have no clue what you’re talking about,” Remus said primly, batting his eyes innocently, “What exactly are you sucking, Emmeline?”

Emmeline guffawed in good nature, Mary smiled wickedly. Mary and Emmeline looked at each other, coming to agreement on some kind of joke, and turned to face Remus.

“Why, Vance, it sounds like our Remmy-poo needs to have a little chat about the birds and the bees.”

Remus sat up straight.

“You know what, MacDonald? I agree. It’s a good thing I just spent then last few hours cataloguing the library, so I know exactly where all books on human anatomy are located.”

Emmeline swung her wand, a stream of 10 books came flying towards her.

“ No ,” Remus gasped, seeing some of the titles.

“Where should we start? Puberty: The Changes in a Boy’s Body? How to Talk to Your Kids About Abstinence?”

“Personally,” Mary said, leaning closer to Emmeline to review their options, “I think we should start with Condoms and Cooties: an Introduction to Intercourse.”

Remus groaned, and began hitting his head on the table. 

“No. No, no, no,” he groaned, “why did I encourage this-”

“Remus?” 

The girls’ giggles silenced. Remus looked up, wincing when he saw Sirius at their table, wearing a look of utter devastation. Remus smiled tightly, and gave a meagre wave.

“You can speak?”

Tension suddenly surrounded them, choking Remus.

Remus looked at his friends for help. They, too, didn’t seem to know what to do. It wasn’t a secret that he had the ability to speak. It’s just, he hadn’t ever spoken with Sirius around. There was nothing he could do about it. So many times he had tried, and yet nothing ever came out. When he was with Mary and Emmeline, when he was safe and comfortable, and didn’t have to constantly think about the burden of living, speaking came more easily. 

“This whole time? You’ve been able to speak this whole entire time? Then why…” Sirius looked completely heartbroken, as if Remus took pleasure in not speaking to him.

“Look, Sirius, Remus’ situation is complicated-” Emmeline began, but Sirius was not having it.

“I know that!” Sirius snapped, “he’s my friend too.”

That genuinely startled Remus. Acquaintance, sure. Dormmate, of course. But friend? Sharing space did not make them friends. It bugged him that Sirius would assume so.

Mary and Emmeline shared one of those looks that only girls can decipher.

“Are you sure?” Mary broached, “if he was your friend, he’d probably talk to you.”

Sirius looked as if he’d been slapped.

“Not that he talks a lot,” Emmeline aimed to soothe, “but, you know. If you were friends, you’d know Remus isn’t completely mute.”

“Isn’t completely mute?” Sirius repeated, absolutely shocked. He rounded on Remus. “Is this true? You’ve just been hiding this from me?”

Remus looked down at his lap in shame.

“Oh, please, drop the act,” Sirius said scathingly, “You’re among friends . Say something.”

Remus clenched his fists.

“Go on. I want to hear it for myself.”

“Sirius, stop it,” Mary said firmly.

“No! He’s been lying to us, ignoring us, for no good reason! We thought something was wrong with him. That he was a defect, and that we ought to be nice to a defective kid. But obviously-”

Remus was out of his seat before he could stop himself. He placed a hand on each of Sirius’ shoulders and shoved hard. Sirius toppled down immediately, knocking into a bookshelf. A few books came crashing to the ground. Sirius threw his arms up to protect his face.

Remus towered over him, chest rising heavily.

All those promises of friendship- that was because they pitied Remus? They’d never actually cared about him, never actually wanted to be ‘one happy dorm.’ They just thought Remus was a freak. 

And who could blame them.

Tad was right. Friends brought nothing but trouble. Remus had been stupid and foolish to think he could ever mean anything to anyone. What sane, able-bodied boy would want to be friends with someone like Remus? Kids didn’t like scars. They didn’t like mutes. They didn’t like werewolves . 

Remus clasped his hands together, afraid he might take his anger out on Sirius if provoked. 

When the books stopped falling, Sirius lowered his arms. He looked up at Remus, face somehow tinged with fear, curiosity, and sorrow.

Remus was nearly vibrating with emotion. He was filled to the brim with self-hatred, wounded pride, and heartbreak.

Had the girls been in on it too? A traitorous voice whispered in his head. Do they pity you too? Emmeline only started talking to you because you knew Sirius. Mary only likes having you around because she can hear herself better. You are nothing. You are scarred and sickly. A Defect. Who would ever be friends with you?

Sirius swallowed, eyes downcast, cheeks flushed with shame. 

“Remus, I-”

Remus didn’t let him finish. He abandoned his homework, abandoned the girls, and swiftly left the library. 

He felt the word defect follow him wherever he went, rattling inside him. By the time he made it up to the dorm, he could feel it settle into his skin in invisible ink. A permanent reminder of what he was, what he always would be.

“Hiya, Remus!” James perked up as soon as Remus entered the dorm. “What are you-”

Remus spelled the drapes around James’ bed closed. Out of sight, out of mind. He crawled into his own bed, using the same bit of magic with the addition of a silencing spell. In the rubble of his emotions, on the brink of sleep, Remus knew one thing was true. From now on, Mary and Emmeline would be nothing more than classmates. They would never be friends.

Remus Lupin didn’t have any of those.

—

Not for the first time that month, hell, even that day, Sirius watched Remus. He’d picked the habit up at some point between the sorting ceremony, and the first time Remus smiled at him. Remus had a quality of goodness to him, and it shone through in that shy, pleased smile. Secretly, Sirius thinks universes could be built off that smile. It was the centre of everything, the origin of wonder. Sirius firmly believed he was put on this planet with one mission: to make Remus Lupin smile. 

He’d been doing a pretty shit job of it lately.

It had been months since that day as Sirius had come to call it. 3 months since he called Remus a defect, since Remus stopped looking at him, since Remus cut himself off from all his friends. Sirius knew that Remus often spent nights outside of the dorm, but the number increased tenfold in the past few weeks. He was slippery, that Remus Lupin. Sly and unassuming, he managed to slip out of situations unnoticed. Sirius always noticed Remus, and yet even he lost track of his dormmate most times. Which is why, when Remus was around, Sirius watched him like a hawk.

Sirius had apologised to Remus many times, and Sirius wasn’t even aware he could do that. Not once in his life had he ever had to give an apology. Not even when his parents reprimanded him. He’d always said he’d do better, or that he understood what he did wrong. But he never said sorry. He couldn’t say something he didn’t mean.

With Remus, saying sorry came easier than breathing. He really hadn’t meant to imply that there was something wrong with Remus. Sirius liked Remus just the way he was. It’s just, Sirius was hurt and impulsive, and wanted to make Remus feel as bad as he had. Sirius understood now, after an especially harsh scolding for Mary and Emmeline, that Remus didn’t control when he spoke. It either happened or it didn’t. And even when he did talk, it wasn’t often. 

That was a problem all in itself. Remus had the nicest voice Sirius had ever heard. His brain broke a bit when he matched the voice to the speaker. You can’t blame him for losing all his sense, when he was overwhelmed by such a voice.

Sirius sighed, disregarding his herbology assignment completely to get a better look at Remus and Lily on the other side of the classroom. James, the buffoon, was half out of his seat trying to get a look at them, blocking Sirius’ view. At least Sirius wasn’t that bad. At least Sirius had restraint. James’ stool wobbled; Sirius had half a mind to kick it.

“Mary.”

“Vance.”

Sirius’ ears perked up at the formal greeting coming to his left. Sirius tucked his head down, played it cool. He knew Emmeline and Mary still weren’t on the best of terms, especially since Remus started isolating himself.

One of them sighed, and moved closer towards Sirius’ side of the table.

“We need to talk,” Emmeline said darkly.

“Is that so? Didn’t seem like you wanted to talk when you were stealing my boyfriend.”

“Please, you don’t even like Caradoc. You just snogged him because you knew it would annoy me.”

“Ha! Not everything I do is about you, Emmeline.”

“It is when you go around snogging my potions partner! For days, all he did was talk about you. I didn’t need to know that your hair smells like coconut, or that your skin is smoother than silk.”

“And you thought the best way to shut him up was to seduce him?”

“I did not-” Emmeline broke off with an exasperated sigh. Sirius chanced a look, to see her pinching her nose, “it wasn’t like that. He only kissed me because of a stupid game of spin the bottle.”

“Yeah, right.”

“Whatever, that’s not what I’m here to talk about.”

Mary rolled her eyes, but waved her hand for Emmeline to continue.

Emmeline glanced past Sirius, towards Remus.

“It’s about Remus,” she lowered her voice, “I’m worried about him.”

Mary and Sirius followed her gaze. Remus stood still as rock, only making jerky movements to trim his plant. Lily looked at him with big, worried eyes. She looked to be speaking softly, and even placed a gentle hand on his arm. But Remus was as good as gone to the world. His eyes looked vacant, dissociated from the conversation.

“He’s not been the same, ever since…” Sirius could feel the girls’ eyes on him now, and pretended to busy himself. He kicked James’ stool just for the hell of it. James was agile enough to jump off before it went crashing to the ground.

“Arsehole,” James laughed, giving Sirius a small shove before righting himself. 

“See! Just like that! Potter nearly goes sprawling and Remus doesn’t even flinch. He’s not doing well, Mary.”

“No shit, Sherlock.”

“What did you just call me?” Emmeline asked sharply. Mary huffed out a laugh.

“Nothing-”

“No! If you’re going to call me names, I’d like to know what they mean.”

“You’re ridiculous.”

“You’re a bitch.”

“Tell me something I don’t know.”

Emmeline didn’t respond. From the corner of his eye, he saw Emmeline lean in close to Mary. Mary swallowed thickly, and tried to back away. Unfortunately, she ran out of room.

“Look,” Emmeline breathed heavily, “I’m telling you, Remus isn’t well. He looks like he hasn’t slept in days. And that limp… I’m worried something happened to him. Now that he’s avoiding me, I can’t protect him. The boys here can be so mean. What if someone hexed him? What if they did something worse? It’s not like Remus would say anything. I just… you’re in a house with him. Your his friend. Maybe you’ve noticed something? Got any names of boys I can beat up?”

Mary hung her head in shame.

“No, he’s been avoiding me too. He never spends too long in one place. I’ve tried cornering him in the library and the common room, and he won’t even look at me.”

The two spent a moment in silence. Emmeline finally leaned away.

“We need to do something. Summer’s coming up soon, and I’m worried what will happen to him if we’re not there to check in on him. Obviously the boys in his dorm aren’t going to look out for him, if Sirius’ outburst is anything to go off of.”

“What can we do?” Mary asked, resigned, “we can’t force him to be our friend.”

“Worked pretty well last time, didn’t it?”

“Yeah, but…” Mary trailed off.

But, indeed. Remus had gotten worse. Sirius knew Remus wasn’t eating much. Probably wasn’t sleeping well. Sirius had gotten a peak at Remus’ recent transfiguration grade when their essays were returned, and even his grades had dropped. Remus looked like he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders, and much like his female friends, Sirius wanted to do something about it. 

“Ok,” Mary eventually said, “no, of course. We should do something. I’m just not sure what.”

“We’ll strategize,” Emmeline decided, “with my brains and your good looks, I’m sure we’ll figure something out.” 

“My what ?” Mary choked.

“Oh, come on, MacDonald. You know you’re good looking.”

“Well-I mean-” Mary spluttered, “most think I’m pretty, but-”

“Well you’re more than pretty,” Emmeline decided, “why else do you think you’re my nemesis? You’re my biggest competition.”

“I really don’t think so,” Mary muttered shyly, “I mean, you’re so-”

“I’ve got nothing on you.”

Mary didn’t seem to know how to respond. By the tense pause, Emmeline seemed to know she made things awkward.

“Tonight then,” Emmeline said, after clearing her throat, “lets meet in the astrology tower. Planning for Operation: Get Remus Back will commence.”

“Yeah,” Mary replied softly, “alright. I’ll see you then.”

“Oh, and MacDonald?”

“Yes?”

“You’ve got lipstick on your teeth. Makes you look like a hag.”

Mary gasped, and made to slap Emmeline on the arm, but Emmeline was quick, running away before Mary ever got the chance. 

Finally, Sirius returned his attention to Remus, only to find it already trained in his direction. Remus looked on longingly, sorrow seeping in to his features. Clearly, he missed his friends.

Sirius decided he’d had enough. Remus wasn’t doing well, and it was Sirius’ fault. Whatever plan Emmeline and Mary came up with, Sirius knew Remus wouldn’t get better. Sirius was the one who made things bad. He could be the only one to fix it. Sirius didn’t know what he’d do, but he had to do something. Even if it took all year, Sirius Black wouldn’t give up on Remus Lupin.

—

An itemised list of things Remus Lupin loves, as observed by Sirius O. Black

1. Homework
2. Honeydukes’ Choco-Locos and Cockroach Clusters 
3. Books (the non-homework kind)
4. Ignoring Sirius O. Black, James F. Potter, and Peter M. Pettigrew
5. Wearing fluffy socks, with heating charms, even in June
6. Doctor Who (???)
7. Doodling flowers and explosions on his homework, than vanishing it
8. Abbott and Costello (specifically, the Who’s on First act. Remus giggles like a little kid every time Lily mentions it. It’s very cute.).
9. Fighting monsters, or bad guys, or anything with claws
10. Wearing his robes, even outside of school
11. Keeping secrets
12. Drinking hot cocoa.
13. Drinking hot cocoa, with a pinch of chilli powder
14. Drinking hot cocoa, with a pinch of chilli powder and a splash of orange.
15. Drinking hot cocoa, with a pinch of chilli powder and a splash of orange, especially when he’s upset. Nothing brightens Remus up like a cup of hot cocoa.