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Her brakes squealed softly as she parked her car, Maya sighing as she let her head fall back on her headrest. The light was on in the kitchen, meaning Carina was waiting for her. Normally, that would put a smile on her face, but today, she just wanted to crawl into bed silently and sleep until her next shift.
They were called as extra hands for a massive office fire, Maya spending her time running in and out on search and rescue, first for civilians, then for firefighters. Her whole body ached, and her lungs still burned a little bit.
But Carina had been raving about a little Italian restaurant for the past couple of weeks, and their schedules finally came together tonight, of all nights. She groaned as she pushed herself out of the car, sucking in a deep breath before turning and striding toward their apartment.
She slumped against the wall of the elevator, coughing a little as the elevator dinged at each floor. “God, I need a shower,” she muttered to the dinging speaker, the thick smell of smoke still soaked in her hair, her clothes, her skin, maybe even in her bones, at this point.
She stared at her apartment door for a second, taking a deep breath before sliding the key into the luck and unlocking it. “Hey, how was the call? I heard from Bailey it turned out to be a four-alarm. Are you okay, is everyone okay?” Carina immediately rose from her seat at the kitchen island to greet Maya in the doorway, scanning her girlfriend over for injuries. The flood of questions washed over Maya, pressing down on her already aching temples. “Ah, you still smell like smoke,” she murmured, pressing a hand to her mouth as Maya shut the door.
Maya bent down to unlace her boots, taking the opportunity to force a smile on her face. “Sorry, everyone was using the showers so I figured I’d just come home and get cleaned up here. But yeah, no, it’s under control now. The team’s fine, no serious injuries. Let me hop in the shower, then I can finally experience the ‘best restaurant in Seattle,’” she looked up at Carina and her lips quirked, swallowing down a cough that burned at the back of her throat.
Carina frowned, grabbing Maya’s sleeve as she tried to walk past her. “Are you sure you’re not too tired? You were at the call for so long, we can reschedule if you just want to rest tonight.” She lifted her other hand to brush Maya’s hair behind her ear.
“Carina, I said I’m fine.” It slipped out sharper than she wanted, but she tried to cover it up with a sheepish grin and a chaste kiss into Carina’s palm still lingering by her cheek. “The only thing that got me through the call was the thought of our little date tonight.” Her voice dropped into a murmur as she stood up on her toes to kiss Carina, hoping that would be enough to smooth over her snappy tone.
She felt Carina’s lips smile against hers, nimble fingers curling between Maya’s rough ones. “Okay, just making sure. Our reservation’s in an hour, is that enough time for you?”
Normally, Maya would’ve tried to pull her girlfriend into the shower with her, but today she only nodded silently, squeezing Carina’s hand before making her way to the shower, quickly turning on the water to cover the sound of her rough cough.
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Maya caught herself staring down at the blue tiles in the shower, the glass door long since fogged over. She fought against the shaking pain in her arms as she lifted them to wash her hair, muscles trembling with effort over the simple task of shampooing her hair. She recalled pulling a victim out from under a desk in a rush and almost pulling something in her shoulder. Taking a deep breath, Maya gritted her teeth and grabbed the conditioner, determined to not make them late to their reservation.
Carina was still in the kitchen as Maya got out of the shower and stiffly made her way to their closet, pulling on the first outfit she could put together. A grunt of pain slipped from her lips as she lifted her elbow beyond a comfortable range of motion. “You want to drive or should I?” Maya turned and saw Carina leaning against the doorframe.
“Why don’t you drive? You know I can never say no to a ride in your Porsche,” she said teasingly, zipping up her jeans. Carina grinned back, opening her fist to reveal her keys already in hand.
The hot shower helped soothe Maya’s sore muscles, and as she settled into the soft leather passenger seat of Carina’s car she realized just how tired she was.
“How long’s the drive again?” Her eyes were heavy, the gentle rumbling of the engine and the cool AC against her skin pulling Maya under the blanket of her exhaustion.
“20 minutes. What, you going to fall asleep on me?” Carina teased, looking over at the blonde with a grin on her lips. Maya frowned, shifting to sit up in her seat.
“No, I’m fine,” she grumbled, crossing her arms as she stared at the road in front of them, staring at each bright streetlight they passed by in the hopes of waking herself up. Carina chuckled, then an exclamation escaped her lips before she jumped into a hectic story of a delivery she had that morning. Maya smiled weakly as she took in Carina’s animated voice and hand gestures, seemingly unhindered by any driving responsibility.
Try as she might, her body was screaming for sleep, and no amount of streetlights and harrowing stories of a triplet delivery could keep her awake. Maya’s eyes closed as her head slumped to the side.
She woke as the engine cut off, jerking up. “Are we here?” she rasped, looking out her window in confusion. The familiar entrance of their apartment building loomed outside.
“Bambina, you fell asleep while I was talking to you. You’re exhausted, let’s just heat up some leftovers and have a night in,” Carina said with an easy smile, already undoing her seatbelt.
‘What the hell’s wrong with you? I’m trying to tell you how to improve your time and you’re falling asleep listening to me. You’re tired after that disappointing performance today? Maybe walking the rest of the way home will wake you up.’ Out of nowhere, her father’s sneering voice echoed in the back of her head, panic tightening her chest.
“No, no, we agreed we’d do dinner tonight. I said I was fine, I just dozed off for a second, what time is it? We can probably be a little late for the reservation,” she mumbled, pulling her phone out to check the clock. Carina’s hand gently grasped her wrist, pulling Maya’s attention to her girlfriend’s now worried face.
“Hey, Maya, it’s okay if we move our reservation to another day. I can tell you’re tired, I don’t mind having a relaxing night in bed tonight,” she urged reassuringly, but the panic squeezed Maya’s chest until anger burst out.
“Carina, you’re not listening to me. I’m fine, I might be a little tired from the call but I can handle it. I can push through it,” she snapped, watching Carina’s face fall.
“And I’m saying you don’t need to push through anything. It’s really okay to take a night to recuperate. Four-alarm fires are serious, Maya, and you were on scene for how many hours, 4? 5? The restaurant will still be there tomorrow.” Carina didn’t raise her voice, but Maya saw growing frustration in her brown eyes, reflecting the anger growing in hers.
“I can do it, I’ll be fine! I promise I’m awake now. Come on, I know you’ve been waiting for tonight for a while, there’s no need to reschedule.” Carina groaned, running a hand through her hair.
“Maya, what’s gotten into you? I’m telling you, I am completely okay waiting for another day to go. Why are you being so stubborn about this?”
And this time Carina did raise her voice, and Maya’s eyes widened, her father’s snarl in her head drowning out Carina’s in the car.
‘God, you’re so stubborn. You think you know what’s best for you? I’m telling you, real champions listen to their coaches.’
Before Carina could say anything else, Maya unbuckled her seatbelt, quickly slipping out of the car. “Fine, whatever, I don’t want to argue about this,” she muttered, slamming the door shut and cutting off Carina calling out her name.
She stormed up the stairs before Carina could catch up to her, cursing as her right thigh twinged in pain from her quick movements. Her anger seemed to burn out just as she crossed the threshold of the apartment, guilt and shame bubbling into hot tears in her eyes. She left the door open and stumbled into the dining table, hands catching the edge. Sucking in a shuddering breath, she quickly wiped away her tears with the back of her sleeve. “Fuck,” she muttered, right as Carina’s heels clicked through the entrance of the apartment, the door softly closing.
She didn’t move her head as Carina moved closer, stubbornly training her eyes on her hands’ white-knuckled grip on the edge. Her girlfriend finally reached the table, leaning back against it so she was facing Maya, close but not touching or smothering her. She remained silent, Maya feeling her eyes boring holes into the top of her head. She kept her head down, tears falling down onto the backs of her hands.
“I’m sorry, this is so stupid, I don’t know why I’m being like this. I just didn’t want to let you down,” she whispered into the dark apartment, scrubbing the tears away again.
Look, kiddo. I know you don’t want to let me down, so this better not happen again. There’s no time to slack off. You gotta be sharp, on the track and off the track.
Carina sighed, hands coming down to rest on the edge of the table next to Maya’s. “No apologies, bambina. You didn’t, I promise,” she murmured. “We’ve been dating for a while, Maya, I know you. I know when you’re tired and I know when you’re totally exhausted. I know that you pushed yourself to the limit on that call to keep your team safe. I know you’re sore, I know when you’re hiding the pain. I know you want to prioritize my wants above your needs, but that’s not the relationship that I want to have with you.”
You said you’d win a gold medal for me, right? Olympic gold. Well, today’s performance was very far from Olympian-level. Being an Olympian requires hard work. Much harder than what you’re doing now. I want you to be the best, and so do you, don’t you?
Carina’s hand inched closer to Maya’s, the brief silence pressing in on the blonde. She stared down at their hands for a beat, Carina’s words colliding with Lane’s and forming a jumble in her mind. “I know you pride yourself on being ready and prepared for everything. I know you love making schedules and sticking to them and not letting anything get in your way, even yourself. And I know you hate hearing this, but it’s okay to slow down,” Carina pressed on softly.
You’re Maya Bishop. Lane Bishop’s daughter. And you know what? Bishops don’t ever take breaks. Bishops don’t quit.
“I’ll never hold it against you if you need a break after a long day, never.”
Her emphatic words finally drove Lane’s voice out of Maya’s head, and she reached out to grasp Carina’s hand next to hers.
Carina’s hand was warm, soft, gentle, steady. The opposite of Maya’s - rough and calloused, clammy, and shaking as she gripped her girlfriend’s hand. Her shoulders shook in a sob, other hand coming up to cover her face.
Carina squeezed her hand comfortingly as Maya finally looked up at her. “I think that’s the first time anyone’s ever said that to me,” she admitted, an unknown feeling twinging in her chest as Carina’s face twisted with an aching sadness. She was quickly wrapped in a tight hug, one of Carina’s hands on the back of Maya’s head, the other rubbing circles over her back. “Are you sure it’s okay if we don’t go to the restaurant tonight?” Maya’s question was muffled into Carina’s shoulder, not looking at her face to see the relieved smile come to the doctor’s lips.
“Of course, bambina. Do you want leftovers or something else for dinner?” Carina asked softly.
Maya shifted to look up at her, apprehension still in her eyes. “Maybe something light, I don’t really feel hungry right now,” she admitted, guilt written on her face. Carina leaned down to kiss Maya’s forehead gently.
“Of course, I understand. How about soup? I froze some of it last week; that won’t take too long to heat up.”
Maya nodded, pulling out of the hug but not letting go of Carina’s hand as they headed into the kitchen. She slumped onto one of the island stools as Carina grabbed the soup from the freezer. They lapsed into silence again as Carina bustled around the kitchen, putting the soup in a pot over the stove, then filling up two glasses with water. Maya folded her hands together on the kitchen island, Carina’s gentle words still playing in her head. The sound of stool leg’s scraping against the kitchen floor broke her out of her reverie, glancing up at her girlfriend, the light catching almost angelically on her face.
Carina smiled softly, catching her chin in her palms as she leaned onto the island. “Care to share what’s going on in that head of yours?”
Maya let out a sigh she didn’t know she was holding in, mirroring Carina’s smile. “I really don’t deserve you,” she whispered.
Carina straightened, hand extending to squeeze Maya’s across the island. “Bambina, don’t say that.” She began, but Maya shook her head, looking down at Carina’s hand locked in hers.
Carina was too warm, too light, too soft. She was so different from anyone that Maya had met. Initially, it caught her off guard and she tried to push her away. Now, after she had let Carina in, she felt that same itch inside that she did the very first day Carina walked into her office, like something was wrong, something was out of place. Carina felt out of place in her life, she was too good for someone like Maya.
“It’s just, sometimes I can’t get his voice out of his head, and I end up hurting you. And because you’re you, this amazing woman who somehow came into my life and decided to stay, you let me and you help me through it. You always manage to pull me out of his grip for a little.
“But, tomorrow, he’ll be back. Then I’ll do something or say something to hurt you again, and we’re just stuck in this cycle. I don’t think,” her voice broke, “I don’t think I’ll ever be free of him and everything he taught me.”
She pulled her hand away from Carina to wipe the tears from her eyes, shoulders shaking. “I just don’t know why you’re sticking with me, I know you’re smart enough to see how fucked up I am, how toxic I am to everyone,” she choked out. Carina immediately rose and came to Maya’s side of the island, wrapping her arm around Maya’s shoulders to pull her close.
“Maya, please stop. I’m not a woman who would stay in a toxic relationship, first of all. I know that you have trauma, we all do. I know I hear my father’s voice in my head all the time, telling me I’m not good enough, that I’m wasting my time as an OB-GYN, all of these things. But I rely on my friends, my brother, my partner,” she paused, looking down at Maya, “to remind me that he’s wrong. I love my job, I love the life that I have right now, and if I stopped and listened to him I’d be miserable.
“You’re an incredible woman, Maya. I know it, your whole station knows it, even if you have been going through a tough time with them. We all know the real Maya, who’s nothing like her father. Who is kind, smart, funny, strong, and compassionate,” she whispered, pressing another kiss to Maya’s forehead. The blonde laughed slightly, feeling a little awkward with all this sudden praise. “Yes, Maya, it’s all true. I’ll remind you of this every day if needed. You are not your father.” Carina said vehemently, wiping a tear off of Maya’s cheek.
“And I owe you an apology. I should have woken you up before turning the car around. I’m just such a fixer, sometimes I can only see my solution and I forget to ask for what you really need,” she murmured.
Maya shook her head, hand finding Carina’s wrapped around her shoulder. “No, you were right in the end. You really can read me like a book, you know?” she smiled genuinely, albeit somewhat ruefully, but Carina chuckled softly.
“Well, what can I say? I pay attention to the people I love. Ah, I think the soup is ready.” And with a squeeze to Maya’s hand, Carina was sweeping around the kitchen, grabbing bowls and doling out the soup and placing the pot in the sink to wash.
They ate in silence, Carina eyeing Maya to ask if she was okay, and Maya just nodding. Her thoughts were running circles in her head, coming back to the same thought over and over again. Carina thinks I’m not my father. Maybe one day she’d wake up and think it too. She doesn’t realize she’s still smiling until she looks up to find Carina grinning right back, a mix of pride and love on her girlfriend’s face.
After a few minutes, Carina’s hand was taking her finished bowl. “Go get ready for bed, I can take care of this,” she insisted. Maya nodded, exhaustion rolling back through her body. Sleep tugged at the edges of her mind like waves lapping along the shore.
She brushed her teeth quickly, then collapsed under the sheets, sighing into the softness of their bed. She fell asleep before she knew it, waking only when Carina slipped under the sheets as well, giggling softly. “Bambina, you’re taking up too much space,” she whispered, Maya groggily sliding over. She curled up slightly, Carina immediately pulling her in. Warm arms wrapped snugly around the firefighter, Carina’s chest pressing against Maya’s back. “Goodnight, love,” she murmured. A kiss was pressed into her neck.
Maya’s eyes were still closed, but she smiled into the darkness of the bedroom. “Goodnight, Carina. I love you.”
And tomorrow, in the morning, there was a chance that Lane’s voice would be in the back of her mind again. But she knew that Carina would wake up next to her and push him out. And that she was going to be okay, and she was not going to be her father.