Work Text:
This place is filthy; the dust is out of control. Joowon and his partner had come to this rural telecommunications substation to look at their records and equipment to try and establish whether it would have been possible for one of their disgruntled maintenance workers to interfere with or listen to his ex-wife’s phone line. They’ve been here for nearly two hours, which has mainly consisted of trying to make basic sense of the filing system and diagrams in the dingy office space, so when his phone rings, he’s grateful for a brief excuse to get outside. He doesn't recognize the number, but that’s the life of a cop - sometimes calls come from unexpected directions. He wipes his hands vigorously on an ancient towel, not sure that it’s helping much, and steps outside as he accepts the call.
“Is this Han Joowon-ssi?” A woman, middle aged maybe? He doesn’t recognize the voice.
“Yes, that’s right.”
“Han Joowon-ssi, I’m calling from Caritas Hospital in Seochu-gu, Seoul, because you are listed as the emergency contact for Lee Dong-sik.” That combination of words, Lee Dong-sik, emergency, hospital, he feels like his heart stops. It’s all he can do not to drop the phone. “There’s been an accident, and he’s in surgery now. The surgeons are optimistic, but are you able to come to the hospital? I can give you more details in person.”
The air feels too thick to breathe, like it’s turned into water as he stands there. Right, she needs him to answer the question. “I-yes. I’m not in Seoul now, but I’ll come as quickly as I can.”
“That’s good. Please come to the reception on the third floor when you arrive and they will direct you. You can reach us at this number if you have any issues.”
Here is a problem to solve: How to get to the hospital as quickly as possible. He can't drive the patrol car there by himself and leave his partner stranded. He’s not sure it's a good idea for him to drive right now at all. He picks up his phone again to call a car service. No. He’s in the countryside, it will take too long by the time they get here. If Im Jeonghee will drive him in the patrol car to the outskirts of Seoul, he can get a cab from there.
Jeonghee looks up as he walks back in, looking ready to commiserate again about getting stuck out here, but stalls when she sees his expression.
“Officer Im Jeonghee, I’m aware we are on duty and this is against protocol. I will be unable to complete our shift. I am asking you to drive me to as close to Seoul as you can, as quickly as possible.”
She is startled. “To Seoul? But why?”
“I need to go to the hospital. Caritas Hospital in Seocho-gu. My-,” he falters. “I have to go there for personal reasons, not for a case. If you can drive me closer to Seoul, I can take a cab the rest of the way. I'd prefer not to wait for a car to come out here, but I will if you do not agree to drive.”
“Don’t be silly, get in the car. I’ll drive you all the way to the hospital. I’ll call the chief right now and tell him.”
He tries to protest, but she cuts him off; she’s already moving toward the driver’s seat. “Come on, I insist. We’ve only got a couple hours left anyway. The records will wait, the chief can come sort this out himself if he's that worried about it."
It occurs to him as they drive that the hospital called him only, which means he’s the only one who knows where Dongsik is. It doesn’t feel like the kind of information he should text, but he’s painfully aware of Jeonghee in the seat next to him. He steels himself and dials Oh Jihwa’s number; she answers on the third ring. “Inspector Han? Everything okay?” She sounds a bit bemused. He doesn’t think he’s ever called her directly before.
“Oh Jihwa-ssi.” Everything’s not okay; but how do people start these conversations? His mind goes suddenly blank. “Are you busy right now?”
“I’m at the station.”
“I’m on my way to Caritas Hospital in Seoul. Lee Dongsik-” He can’t say it. She swears.
“Is it bad?”
He breathes in and out very carefully. “I don’t know. He’s alive. They just said - there was an accident of some kind.”
“Okay. Okay.” She swears again. “I’ll meet you there as soon as I can. I’ll call Jaeyi and the others. Are you driving?”
“No. My partner-”
“Good. Han Joowon. You know he’s a tough bastard, right?”
He exhales one long slow shuddering breath. “I’ll be there in forty minutes, maybe. Call me when you’re nearby.”
After he hangs up he sits ramrod straight in the passenger seat with a map app open on his phone, and does not speak other than to give Jeonghee directions. She casts worried looks his way on occasion, which he ignores.
Although all the regular Manyang crew are aware of his relationship with Dongsik, he’s not out at work. A distant part of him wonders if this is the event that will knock down all his carefully maintained boundaries. The consequences to his life and career would have him reeling on another day; just now he would go door to door telling every person in Chuncheon if it meant Dongsik waking up safe a minute sooner.
Jeonghee drops Joowon off at the entrance of the hospital. “Thank you. Really,” he says stiffly. He truly is grateful, but his mind doesn’t have any capacity for niceties at present, and he’s not the one who’s good at these type of interactions. He’ll buy her something later; Dongsik would know what type of gift is right for this sort of occasion.
“Don’t mention it. I’ll explain everything to the chief, I’ll tell him you need some time off too.” Jeonghee regards him for a moment before he closes the door. “I hope your friend is going to be okay.” He can’t think of anything else to say so he just bows his head to her and goes into the hospital.
When he finds the correct waiting room, Jaeyi is already there. She’s biting her nail and has her bag and coat piled on the seat next to her to save it, although there’s not that many people around. She immediately picks them up and settles them in a heap on her lap when she sees him, and he takes the vacated seat next to her.
“They didn’t tell me much. He got hit by a car and he’s in surgery now. They said… they think he’ll be okay, but they can’t make guarantees,” Jaeyi says in a low voice.
He nods, throat dry.
“Jihwa-eonni went to pick up Jihoon. They’ll be here soon.”
“Yes.”
There’s nothing else to do but wait, there’s nothing to say. Joowon sits straight as a board next to Jaeyi. She’s quiet, but she pulls his hand into both of hers and grips it very hard. Across the room a young woman is crying loudly. The passage of time feels strange and liquid in the waiting room. When he checks his phone he’s shocked to note it’s been nearly an hour since he arrived; the next time he looks, it informs him that only another eight minutes have passed, although he could have sworn it was thirty. Through this stretching jelly finally burst Jihwa and Jihoon.
Jihoon’s eyes are red and he’s sniffling. The sight of the tears in his eyes briefly infuriates Joowon. How dare he act like - like it’s a done deal? Like the verdict is already delivered? Although he’s sure he’s avoided any visible reaction, Jaeyi must notice something; she tells him to go get a couple bottled waters from the vending machine, and he goes without responding, grateful for a task and a reprieve.
When he comes back Jihwa is holding Jihoon’s shoulder, still trying to calm him down. “We don’t know anything yet. Dongsik will probably have a good laugh at us for crying about him. Look at Han Joowon and Jaeyi-yah, they’re staying calm.” But it doesn't feel like he's keeping his emotions in check. It doesn't feel like he has any emotions at all. Like they got surgically removed with one phone call.
A doctor enters the waiting room and stops to ask something to the nurse on duty. Wordlessly they all simultaneously straighten up, aware somehow that this message is meant for them. Indeed, the nurse points out their group and the doctor heads over.
“You’re here for Lee Dongsik?” They all nod their confirmation. Joowon has to dig his fingers into his palm, hard, as the doctor explains that Dongsik’s had to have surgery to put pins in his broken leg; they’d checked for internal injuries, but it looks like he managed to get away with just some severe bruising. “They’re doing some final checks now, and he should be awake in fifteen or twenty minutes. You will all be able to see him then.”
It ends up taking more like half an hour. Joowon wants to get up and pace around, go outside maybe, but of course he doesn’t dare to leave the exact spot the doctor found them in. Jaeyi hasn’t taken his hand again, but strangely, he almost wishes she would.
Finally they’re called in to visit Dongsik’s room. Joowon follows the others inside to find Dongsik lying down, looking tired but smiling. Underneath the shitty hospital blanket he’s got bandages around his torso and his leg is propped up on some pillows. Although seeing Dongsik awake and talking is all he’s wanted since he got the hospital’s call, the tension in his chest hasn’t dissipated. It feels like he’s still waiting for a doctor to rush in and tell them something’s gone terribly wrong. He hangs back while the others crowd toward Dongsik’s beside.
“Ahjussi, a bullet wound in the leg wasn’t enough?” Jaeyi chides, but she’s so obviously relieved that there’s no bite to it.
“How are you feeling?” Jihwa asks.
“The painkillers are doing their job! Gosh, look at you all! It’s practically a party, hey, we ought to get some food in.”
“Are you hungry?” Jihoon’s most puppylike smile is back even as his eyes are still leaking tears. “I’ll get you some food, hyung!” he says brightly. He gets Dongsik’s order for some jjajangmyeon, and Jaeyi goes with him so they can bring back enough for everyone. Jihwa says she’ll go get drinks from the hospital vending machines. Then Joowon is left alone with Dongsik, Joowon’s hands resting limply on the bed while Dongsik calls after them to sneak in some alcohol. When he looks back at Joowon he laughs sharply.
“What’s with the dour face, inspector? Worried about me?” Although Joowon doesn’t react, Dongsik’s still smiling in the slightly manic way he has when he’s pretending nothing ever hurts him. He pokes at Joowon’s hand. “Aigoo! A man gets a little bruised and you all are acting like you’ve already planned my funeral! Hey, maybe we should plan it now while I’m still around to comment, save you all the trouble? What do you think? We could get it all set before you really have to cart me off!”
Joowon doesn't say anything. He just gets up and walks to the door. "Joowon-ah, don't go. It was a bad joke, all right. Han Joowon-" but he doesn't stop. He lets his feet carry him to the hospital cafeteria, where he mechanically orders an Americano. When the worker puts it on the bar for him he realizes his hands are shaking so badly he won't be able to take it without spilling. He stands there frozen silent and blank for a long moment before he just goes and sits down without it.
He puts his head in his hands. It feels so stereotypical that it's almost silly, like he's acting out a caricature of grief. No one even died. But he is physically not capable of doing anything else.
At one point he’d thought that diving into hell for Dongsik might be literal. It had seemed reasonably likely that his father or Lee Changjin would remove Joowon from the equation when they realized that he was working against them, and while he hadn’t been eager for it, as long as he managed to send his father to jail in the end he had accepted his death as a necessary price of atoning.
But about six months ago they had gone to visit the Lee grave together. Dongsik had said little but held tightly to Joowon’s hand, and Joowon had looked at his face, quiet, weighted, his eyes fixed on the names of his dead family, and vowed to never be someone Dongsik would need to mourn. It had not fully occurred to him until Dongsik's comment that to fulfill this promise means he will be the one left mourning.
How did Dongsik do it? How did he, in a very literal sense, survive? He lost so many people. Joowon’s only ever really had one person, and the spectre of losing him feels like it would white him out completely.
It’s hard to say how long he sits there. At some point he feels a hand laid lightly and briefly on his shoulder. Oh Jihwa has sat next to him. A coffee cup - presumably his Americano - is on the table in front of him, but he doesn’t know how or when it got there.
“He’s going to be okay,” she says eventually.
“Yes.”
“Not very good of him to worry us like that.”
He looks back down at his Americano.
“Do you think we can go back up? He’ll want to see you. I told him to apologize to you, that punk.”
He shuts his eyes tightly, but nods.
When they come back in Dongsik is half-sitting, a pillow at his back. He starts speaking as soon as he sees Joowon enter. “I’m sorry, Joowon. I’m sorry. That wasn’t a good thing to say.”
Despite Jihwa’s presence in the room, he takes Dongsik’s hand and presses it against his cheek for a long silent moment. Jihwa makes some excuse about helping the others with the food and slips out the door; it barely registers.
When she’s gone Joowon says, barely pausing for breath, “I won't ask you to let me go first. But you can’t go until I'm almost ready too, or I won’t forgive you.”
“Joowon-“
"I won't kill myself. But I want to be right behind you.”
“Han Joowon!” The hand against his cheek is trembling slightly. Joowon lets it drop to the bed and meets Dongsik’s eyes, which are shining with tears.
“I’ve been too cruel to you. Don’t talk like that, Joowon, please.” His grip tightens around Joowon’s palm.
He sits down and lets his head drop forward towards Dongsik’s. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to upset you.”
“Okay, okay.” Dongsik’s voice is still shaky but he tries for a smile when Joowon ventures to meet his eyes.
There isn’t really more time to converse before Jihoon and Jaeyi are trundling back in, Jihoon carrying two big bags of takeaway, Jihwa following from the hallway. She makes eye contact with Joowon as she enters, raising her eyebrows, and he nods stiffly as Jaeyi starts distributing the food. Now that Dongsik’s awake they’re all talking around their earlier fears like they didn’t happen.
Despite his claims of being perfectly fine now, everyone’s making a fuss over nothing, really, Dongsik is fast asleep after finishing just half of the jjajangmyeon. After the rest of them are done, Jihwa hangs back as Jaeyi and Jihoon file out quietly. “Our Inspector Han came straight from a shift. I can stay here for a while and look after him, you could go home and get some rest if you wanted.” Joowon just looks at her incredulously. She doesn’t push the matter further, simply promises to return tomorrow with some of Dongsik and Joowon’s things and follows the other two down the hall.
After they’re gone, he sits back down in the horrid hospital chair and listens to Dongsik breathe in and out, just slightly snoring, and all the quiet electrical noises of the machines monitoring him. He moves his hand back a millimeter from where Dongsik’s arm is lying, reluctant to touch him and potentially disturb his slumber but wanting to feel the warmth of him. Alive. Alive, alive. Right now Dongsik is alive. Every time his own heartbeat spikes he looks at the monitors whirring steadily away; he makes a conscious effort to shut the door on it, the thought of that eventual day. It’s not today. For now he just has to keep his promise to stay alive, and make sure Dongsik does too. Dongsik will never have to be alone again. He’s going to hold on with both hands.