Chapter Text
Sans didn't really think about it when Frisk first came home with a slightly confused expression on their face. His kid is amazing, but sometimes school tends to confuse people. Papyrus sometimes got this expression over complex puzzles or the horoscope.
But he felt Toriels look on his back and just knew that her “Mom sense”, as he dubbed it, told her that there was more to it and his “Toriel sense”, as she dubbed it, told HIM that he should talk to their kid.
He gave Frisk a few moments until he teleported into their room and flopped down beside them on their desk.
“Hey kiddo. What's up?”
Frisk pointed up to the celling and Sans chuckled. His kid was amazing.
“Yeah, besides that. Any problems with the school?” He glanced down. Frisk was in the process of doing their homework. “Any problems with maths? Does something just not add up?”
Frisk just shook their head, giving him a small smile and signed “
Don't worry”.
“Anything else?”, he asked looking right into their eyes. And Frisk looked away and Sans felt something inside him melt. He just loved this kid to bits and the thought that something was not 100% absolutely right in their life just... didn't sit well with him.
He scooted a bit nearer, forcing his voice to be a bit softer.
“Frisk... you can tell me anything, okay?”, he said. “You don't have to, but if there is anything I can do, just say so, okay? Or... just tell me what's troubling you. I promise I won't tell anybody if you don't want me to.”
Frisk seemed to ponder a bit and finally sighed, raising their hands again.
“It is stupid.” They signed. “
Just... some confusing stuff. With Billy.”
“Billy?”, asked Sans, raising an non-existent eyebrow. The little shit-spawn of fucking Linda. Urgh. Normally Sans wouldn't hate anybody. He was a monster, monster were hard-pressed to HATE, they were practically made out of love and compassion and Sans himself was lazy as they come and hate would mean a LOT of effort on his side, so normally, he wouldn't border with anything worse that slight irritation at the antics of humans who didn't understand the new world or anything.
But something about Linda just pushed all his buttons. He was beyond annoyed with her, beyond irritated and beyond “a little bit angry”. After one hour hearing her talk about... well... everything, she managed to make a check on every item of Sans “Oh Heck No” list. Talk shit about monster, his brother, Toriel, Frisk, everything that is not “normal and proper”, talk shit about Undyne and Alphys, talk shit about science, being ignorant and hurtful to other peoples concerns, the list goes on.
Nope, this burning cold feeling he got when he even images her voice was deep, deep aversion and dislike. Or in other words, he hated her fucking guts.
Her kid wasn't much better. He was willing to gave the boy a bit leeway, seeing he was just a child and didn't know better, how could he, when he was raised by the single most ignorant person he ever met. That being said, it didn't mean he had to LIKE the kid and if he had hurt Frisk, there was hell to pay. He would find a way.
“
Yeah, Billy.”
Sans almost missed Frisk signing, being to deep into his own little world of “fuck you Linda”.
“What did he do, kid?”, he asked, allowing his magic to flicker a bit. “Is he in need for a bad time?”
Frisk actually giggled a bit and that alone was enough to banish the magic, take the wind out of his sails and calm him down completely. Damn, he loved this kid. Seriously, somebody just declare Frisk the best of the best, because they are. (No, he was not gushing over his own kid. Okay, he was, but just in his own head, nobody has to know. Okay, well, everybody knows how much he adored his kid, but that was besides the point.)
“Noooooo.” They signed. “
Billy didn't do BAD stuff, just... confusing stuff. He follows me when he thinks I'm not noticing and doesn't look me in the eyes anymore and whenever I want to talk to him, he just... stammers or screams random stuff. And he goes back and fort between saying something nice and trying to fight me or something.”
Sans blinked. That... sounded really confusing.
“Did he hurt you?”, he asked.
Frisk shook their head.
“No, I'm good at dodging.” They signed and grinned and Sans felt so damn proud again.
“Well, you are.”, he said, grinning himself. “You are, after all, the master-dodger. The dodge-master. It's you.”
They both snickered.
“And it's not really fighting what he does.” Frisk continued. “
Just... trying to pull my hair or something?”
Sans got the feeling that he was equally confused as Frisk was.
“Okay, that sounds really confusing, kiddo.”, he mumbled. “But if you think you can handle it, I won't meddle. But... tell me if it becomes a problem?”
“
Actually, I think I know what he is trying to do, I just don't know WHY.”
Sans looked at Frisk, shocked.
“What?”
“
I think Billy is trying to flirt with me. Badly.”
“Oh.”
Oh.
OH HELL NO!
“
Yeah, but he does it really, really bad.”
OH HELL NO HE WONT LET THIS LITTLE SHIT-STAIN TOUCH HIS CHILD wait, does Linda know? Oh fuck all of the universe, Lindas fucking child has a crush on his kid he didn't know if he should cry or laugh or make something explode.
“Sans?”, asked Frisks little, quiet voice and it shocked Sans right out of his thoughts.
“Frisk?”
“
Please don't freak out, okay? I just...”
“I think I know WHY, kid.”, he said, sighing. “You know that I know his mother...?”
“
Dad, people still talking about the incident during the bake-off as the “Slam down of the year”. I think everybody knows about you “knowing” each other. “
Well, Sans had the decency to blush a little bit blue. He let himself go that day. It was no excuse. But it felt so good to lay into Linda. It was a big victory and the youtube-videos that appeared preserved his little rant for the world to enjoy.
“So, yeah. And you know how Linda... is. So, I think her child would have no clue how to flirt or be nice to someone you have a crush on and uses bullshit tactics people think should work for a boy but, you know, it's bullshit so you are stuck with a boy who doesn't have a clue what he is doing.”
Frisk looked even more confused now.
“
But... flirting is easy. I did it when I was nine in the Undergound...”
“Yeah, you are an amazing child and the best there is, kiddo.”, Sans said and Frisk giggled again. Score again for him.
“
I mean, it's simple. Just say nice things maybe wriggle a bit or give a little kiss to the cheek? It's not rocket science.”
Sans laughed. He had to. His child was just to perfect for the world. Fuck Linda and everybody who disagreed with him on this point.
“Yeah, you have it all figured out, kiddo.”, he said, ruffling through Frisks hair. “Shame for them if they can't get this right, huh?”
“
Do you think I should tell him? I mean, how to flirt right? It's kinda pathetic.”
“Eh...”, the thought of Frisk flirting BACK at Billy didn't sit well on him. “I don't think that's a good idea, I mean, do you have a crush on him?
Frisk shrugged.
“
Not really. He has a nice nose, but he's not really my type and I think it would freak him out.”
It would freak out Linda and Sans almost told Frisk to go for it. But well, he wasn't going to pressure Frisk into doing something they didn't want just to freak out Linda. He wouldn't sink that low. Exploiting the situation and making snide remarks at Linda during the next PTA meeting? Heck, yeah!
“So don't kiddo. Just tell him to stop, he will lay off if he notice that he's doing it wrong. And if he doesn't stop, tell me and I'll figure something out, okay?”
“
No bad time for Billy, dad! He's just a kid.”
Sans chuckled.
“Okay, okay. I even promise, I wont let him have a bad time over this, okay?”
Making promises was never an easy feat for him, but it came to him more easily these days. Frisk seemed satisfying with that. They took his hand and squeezed it a bit, smiling at him.
“
Thanks, dad.”
“No problem, kid. They? Knock, knock.”
Frisk giggled but played along.
“
Who is there?”
“Olive.”
“
Olive who?
”,
t
hey said, with their small voice, just so the joke would work, and Sans just loved this child.
“Love you too.”
The next PTA meeting was only a week later and was going as well as Sans expected. Well, it was a bit better than the beginning, there were even two other monster-parents there, even if they didn't say much and Pia and Steven both stood up to Helen about some shit she said about that one gay couple with two kids in the school who wanted to get into the PTA meeting next time. That didn't change the fact that Linda just made one stupid remark after the next.
“Okay, I gonna stop this now because I can feel my bones kinda shuttering now and I think Halloween is a bit to far away now for the skeleton-dance.”, Sans said and looked straight at Linda, knowing that she was unnerved by his eyes. “You really think this Valentine-idea is a good one? Give girls one heart that they could give a boy and rewarding girls who didn't and boys who got the most? Do you really NOT see how this is messed up? First and foremost: what if a girl has a crush on a girl or a boy one on a boy or one person has a crush on more than one person? Or what about children who a non-binary?”
“Just because YOUR dau... so... CHILD wants to be a special snowflake doesn't mean that the other children have a problem with that.”, snarled Linda. “And I should have known that you want to use the holiday to spread your... agenda all over the poor children!”
Sans stared at her. He could have sworn that Steven just got a bag of popcorn from his backpack and held it to Pia. A part of him appreciated that. All other parts of him were just baffled and standing confused in front of a wall of stupid aka Linda.
“Really?”, he just asked, really, really baffled. “Agenda? What pray-tell is my “agenda”? I don't have an agenda, I'm lazybones, just ask my brother, ask EVERYBODY, I literally am the polar opposite of an agenda.”, he laughed a bit because it really was that absurd. “That is rich...”
Well, that was a lie, he wasn't JUST lazy. He did things. Important things. Many things. But fucking Linda didn't have to know.
“You know what? I won't even say anything about that anymore, because I'm tired and have work in two hours, so I make it quick. Your idea? It's stupid on so many levels. It's hurtful to boys AND girls, has nothing to do with anything related to love or friendship or romantic or anything this “holiday” is supposed to stand for. You know what? No wonder your son has no idea how to flirt, if THAT is your idea for something “cute and romantic for the kids”.”
All eyes were on him. Then on Linda who looked like she just swallowed fish in whole. Sans was always fascinated how many colours a human face could show.
“You... YOU... wait, WHAT did you say about my son?”
“His flirting sucks.”, Sans said shrugging. “I mean, really sucks. Pulling hair and being a stalker? Seriously, I was baffled. My kid was seriously confused by all this. Maybe THAT would be an idea for the holiday? Telling kids how to flirt nicely?”
“MY SON DID WHAT?”
“Has a biiiiiiig crush on my kid.”, said Sans, slowly and yes, this was the best. He really wished he had popcorn like Steve and Pia himself. Linda was a show today. She seemed to angry to even talk anymore.
“WHAT DID YOUR FREAK OF A CHILD DO TO MY SON?”
And just like that the light-hearted humour he felt just a second ago was gone, replaced with something colder and heavier like steel.
Oh she did not just say that.
He glared at her, eyesockets gone dark and even if humans couldn't sense magic very good, Linda had to notice how the air suddenly became much more... dense.
“I think you should reconsider your wording.” he said,
“Your child infected my precious little boy with... with... the queer!”
Well, at least she didn't say “the gay”, Sans thought.
“Linda, how many times do we have to get over this, “queerness” is NOT something that “infects” people. It's just there and it's fine.”, he said, glaring. “My kid is fine the way it is and yours has a crush on them and is shit at flirting. Facts, Linda. I know you have trouble with them. You did in every other discussion we had.”
“You... YOU!”
Oh she really looked like she wanted to hit him. Heh, she could try. He promised Frisk no bad time for Bill, nobody ever said anything about Linda.
“Yep. Still me.”, he said. “The Skeleton who wants to school you on some things but I see, my words are going right through you, just as you look right through me.”, he grinned. “So just let it go, we still have a skele-ton things to do and if you are nice I even let you have a place in the flirt-seminar, so you can learn how to play nice with people along with your son.”
Half of the people in the room groaned while Linda looked like she would scream any moment and Sans just smiled, secure in the knowledge that he had the support of the group behind him. (and next time he really wanted in on that popcorn, dammit!)
Get dunked on, fucking Linda.