Archive of Our Own

Lillium hears the door shut behind him, but he doesn't stop. He doesn't turn around. For just a little while he wants peace. The days been enough of a mess, he doesn't need to make it worse. The feel of Iris's hand in his lingers. He kind of regrets letting go. Iris`s skin was as soft as it looked. Lillium scoffed at the detail his brained had already saved.

He can hear shuffling behind him, but he still doesn't stop. Just keeps walking till he reaches the bathroom. Softly, he closes the door behind him. Still not looking back. He meets his own eyes in the mirror and sighs. He's more tired than angry.

Slowly he unravels the bandages around his hands. He turns the sink on and cleans them, hissing slightly at the cold water. If only he could wash away all his mistakes, all his jobs, as easy as this. Maybe Iris wouldn't look at him like he had just now. Lillium brushes the though away and shakes his head. Living like Iris wants to is just naive. It doesn't work in a world like this. He just needs to understand that. He shouldn't have to; something whispers in his mind. Lillium huffs humourlessly. If only it was that easy. If only he could clean the world of all the terror and disgusting creatures lurking everywhere. If only he could create a world safe for all demiflora, safe for Iris.

Lillium frowns at his own protectiveness. Thinking like that isn't like him, and besides it's pointless. The world isn't going to change. A knock on the door snaps Lillium out of his stupor. His hands are numb from the water. He shuts off the sink and dries them off.

"Goodnight Lillium". Iris voice is as soft, no trace of the sorrow from earlier, which Lillium takes as a good sign. They've been through a lot. Whatever happened tonight won't change anything. Lillium smiles slightly at his own reflection. "Goodnight Iris".

~ - ~

Iris clutches the sword tightly. He resists dodging and meets the blade head on instead. Dan's teaching has helped him develop a lot. His senses are sharper. He's no longer clueless when it comes to combat. He thrusts the blade forward. Lilium’s face flashes in his mind. "I hate them. I hate them so much...I want them all dead. And I hate that you don't feel the same." Iris's blade makes contact with the neck of the dummy. Its head hits the floor with a muted thud.

Iris tires not to feel regret, instead he thinks about the anguish on Lillium`s face, the anger. He tries to remind himself that there is no other way. A smile grazes his lips. If nothing else, it's a good skill to have. Iris wants to be able to defend himself if he needs to. And he probably will. Las Vegas is a bittersweet memory. He can recall the pain on Lillium`s face easily. The way he grit his teeth and told Iris to run. As if he would ever abandon him, after everything that’s happened.

That's another reason this training is necessary. He wants to keep the people he cares about safe. He wants to create a safer place for them, so that Lillium doesn't ever have to look so pained again.

~ - ~

They're having another movie night. The movie Lillium has chosen is comforting for once. Iris didn't love the horror movies even if his screeches made Lillium laugh. They are sitting close together on the couch, just shy of touching. Lillium has his gaze trained on the TV. Iris has been focusing on the movie so far. But his eyes start to drop, and he turns his head blinking, trying to stay conscious. His eyes catch on Lillium`s face. The glow from the TV softens his expression. He looks pretty. Iris smiles and shakes his head. He must be more tired than he thought.

His head turns towards the TV again, but his body sags slightly. He's really tired. Maybe he should just close his eyes for a few seconds, rest his eyes a bit.

~ - ~

Lillium is focusing on the movie. It's one he's seen many times before, but he figured Iris would like it. He recalls how distressed he`d been while watching the horror movies. And despite how Iris had said the movie was good when it finished, Lillium reckoned they could use something softer for once. And maybe he enjoyed Iris's soft laughs more than he enjoyed his undignified shrieks. Not that the other would ever know that.

Bur Iris has been quiet almost the whole night. Lillium isn't sure if that's a good thing or not. He turns his gaze towards the other to check his reaction. But Iris's eyes are closed, and his face is relaxed. His head is tilted forward awkwardly. Lillium blinks and tries not to look too hard at the clearly sleeping boy. As if he stares hard enough it might wake him. But it's hard not to stare. Iris is pretty, that's obvious. Lillium forces his gaze towards the floor. He isn't blind and he has noticed how other people seem instantly drawn to him. The though makes him frown slightly, but the grimace drops the second his eyes make contact with the other boy again.

Iris looks so peaceful. Almost... Lillium never knew Irid, but he heard the stories of how he grew his own wings. He figures the only thing Iris is missing now is wings and he'd look like an angel. The though makes Lillium smile despite the heath that rushes to his face. What an embarrassing thought. Iris would have been totally weirded out.

Lillium shakes his head and stands. He considers shaking the other awake, but he can't make himself disrupt the others peace. Iris has been working so hard on his training. He deserves to rest. So instead of waking him, Lillium lifts him into his arms as gently as possible. Iris's head lulls towards Lillium`s chest and he snuggles closer in his subconscious. Maybe he's cold, Lillium thinks to himself as he deposits the other boy on the bed. He gives himself a moment to just look.

Iris's hair falls softly across his face and Lillium resists the urge to reach out and tuck it behind his ear. His breath comes out in soft slow huffs. He's about to turn around and leave, but a new sound stops him. Iris is mumbling something, his expression pinched. His brows are furrowed as if he's in pain. Lillium frowns.

"Stop". The word is barley eligible, but Lillium can hear the pain in Iris's voice. It awakens something in him. Something a bit like panic, a painful urge to keep the other protected no matter what. It's a feeling he's become very familiar with in the past weeks. Tears fill Iris's eyes, and something snaps inside him. He's reaching for Iris's shoulders before he can even think.

As gently as he can he takes hold of them. But he doesn't shake, just simply holds on. "Iris" he whispers. "Don’t". Iris jolts. "I'm sorry!" His voice is raising in tact with Lillium`s panic. "

Iris" his voice cracks. He strokes up and down the other boys sides. "It’s okay, it's just me. You're okay, I'm right here". He holds on tighter willing the other boy to wake.

~ - ~

The pain is unbearable. No, he thinks. It's not real, I can't be back here. He can't focus, everything is blurry. His ears are ringing. "Stay still". The tip of the marker burns against his skin.

"Stop", he doesn't know if he's screaming or whispering. It's not real, he tries to convince himself. But it feels real. And it hurts. He swore he'd never go back. The marker continues cutting deep lines into his skin. It feels like she's ripping up the wounds that had already healed. Iris forces his gaze upwards and tires to meet his mom's eyes. He wants her to stop. He wants to go back to how things were all those years ago.

"I'm sorry!" He knows he's screaming now. He can't help it; he just wants her to stop, to look at him like she used to. He wishes he wasn't such a terrible son. He hangs his head and sobs through the pain. "Iris" something whispers in the back of his mind. He squeezes his eyes close, trying to block everything out. "Iris!" The voice becomes more urgent, and it sounds familiar. Iris hangs onto it, tries to find comfort in something he thinks might be friendly. Something touches his shoulder, and he jolts awake.

The room is dark, and something is holding him down. He trashes and twist out of their grip sucking in air desperately. He's not sure where he is. "Iris?" Iris twists his ear towards the sound. There's that same voice from his dream. His eyes meet pink ones glowing slightly in the dark. He sucks in a breath and forgets to breath out.

Lillium reaches a hand out slowly as if he's scared to spook him. Iris meets him halfway and grabs hold of the familiar hand. He tugs the other boy closer desperately. He's not sure what he's doing. He just knows that he needs to make sure this is real, that this isn't something he's made-up to get away from that place. Lillium shuffles closer until he's sitting on the bed as well. He lets Iris hold his hand as hard as he wants to.

He reaches out his other hand with the same care as before but something desperate clings to his movements. As if he too needs to make sure that Iris is real. Lillium cradles his head. Tilts it up so he can look at him closer.

Iris is still shaking, tears streaming down his face. He can't seem to breathe right. Their eyes meet and Lillium tugs him closer almost violently. He presses Iris's head close to his chest and cards his fingers through his hair. His other hand comes around his back to hold him closer. Iris tries to breath in sync with the other. He listens to his heartbeat and feels his chest rise beneath him.

"It’s going to be okay. I'm right here with you". Lillium is whispering in his ear and rocking them back and forth. Iris keeps his focus on the heart beating beneath him. This feels real, he thinks. I don’t have this good of an imagination. Slowly his breath calms. The fear from the nightmare still clings to his skin and his scars ache as if they have been reopened. But he can breathe again. Lillium still holds him close even when the tears stop and his breathing evens.

Iris doesn't know how to describe what he's feeling. The emotional whiplash is getting to him, and the dread won't leave. Yet he still hasn't felt this safe in years. He hasn't felt this warm, and this held since he was a kid. The feeling of fingers massaging his scalp and the sound of Lillium`s voice is comforting.

His body relaxes and he feels himself slipping back to sleep. Before he can close his eyes though Lillium loosens his grip. He leans back to look the other in the eyes. He's smiling softly but his eyes are pained. Iris hates it. The hand in his hair disappears, but before Iris can miss it, its cradling his face again. Soft fingers wipe at his almost dried tears. Iris leans into it, something in his chest aches for the gentleness of the touch. Something he hasn’t felt in years.

The fingers stop abruptly and pull back. Iris frowns. His skin feels cold without the others warmth. Lillium leans further away, he moves as if to get up. Iris can't have that, so he grabs hold of the other boys arm. "Stay?" His voice is already heavy with sleep. But he can't let himself relax. He wants the other boy here in case the dreams come back. For some reason he believes they won't as long as Lillium stays.

Iris lays down again and makes himself comfortable on the bed. Lillium follows after a moment of hesitation. Iris wraps the taller boys arm around himself and closes his eyes. He`s fallen back asleep quickly and doesn’t hear Lillium`s response. His voice is filled with amused fondness. "Whatever you want."

~ - ~

Iris wakes with the sun. The curtains aren't pulled so it has free range over his room. He grumbles and snuggles closer to the bed. He should get up soon and prepare for training, but the bed has never felt more comfortable. He sighs contented. Something moves beneath him, and he startles.

"Good morning" a voice rasps. Iris blinks and looks down. The bed beneath him isn't a bed, it’s a person. More specifically it's Lillium. Iris is resting his head on his chest. He blinks again trying to wake himself up properly. The events from the night before rushes to his mind. His cheeks heat slightly. He can feel Lillium`s legs tangled in his. The lily's arm is resting on the small of his back and softly rubbing circles into his shirt. It’s warm and soft, and a completely new experience.

Iris doesn't know what to do. He can't believe he trapped Lillium in his bed last night. How embarrassing. But he can't make himself regret it, not when Lillium is still holding him close and the terror has slipped to the back of his mind.

"You alive?" Lillium`s morning voice is soft but raspy. Iris realises he hasn't answered yet. He sits up probably a bit too fast and laughs awkwardly. "Ah, sorry yes, good morning" with that he's up and out of the bed making his way out the door. He closes it behind him and heads to the bathroom. He can hear Lillium following him out of the bedroom. "I'm making breakfast. You're getting pancakes". Lillium`s voice sounds from the kitchen. "Sound good". Iris voice is a bit wobbly. He can't shake the feeling of legs tangled, of a warm embrace.

~ - ~

Lillium tries to ignore the sinking feeling in his gut. Nothing’s wrong he tells himself. That wasn't weird, he didn't do anything weird. They've been through much worse, this won't change anything. So, what if Iris bolted out of there and without sparing him a glance. He might still be shaken up about the nightmare. And besides, he'd asked Lillium to stay.

But you took advantage, didn't you, his subconscious whispers. Lillium tries to ignore it. Instead, he focuses on mixing ingredients together. Maybe he shouldn't have stayed the whole night. He should have gotten out of the bed when Iris fell asleep. Maybe Iris was uncomfortable with him clinging so tight to him. It's just... Lillium haven't held someone so close ever. He's never felt the need to protect so violently before. Well except... But that doesn't matter.

He shakes his head and turns the stove on. Iris needed him, he reminds himself. He needed someone there to help him through that and Lillium is glad he was there. It's fine.

A door opens and closes. Footsteps reach the kitchen and stops at the counter. Lillium looks to his right just as Iris jumps onto the counter beside him. He kicks his feet slightly and when their eyes meet, he smiles. Lillium furrows his brows slightly.

"Get off of there". He mutters. "Why?" "It’s unhygienic". Iris smiles mischievously and sticks his hand behind his back. Lillium gives him a side look but focuses on the pancake batter.

They’re fine it seems, nothings weird. He can't help but be slightly relived as stupid as it is. He almost smiles. Then before he can blink a stream of red flows into the pancake batter.

Lillium twist towards Iris. The other boy is holding a suspicious red bottle and smiling innocently. "You!". Lillium makes as if to grab him, but Iris jumps of the counter and scurries away before he can. "It'll be an improvement, trust me" he smiles. Lillium frowns at him and then at the batter. Hesitantly he stirs the sauce in.

"Are you saying my pancakes taste bad?" He asks faking a wounded look. Iris raises both hands slightly alarmed. "Of course not! You're the best cook I know" he gives him a thumbs up as if to underline his message. Lillium raises an eyebrow. "I'm the only cook you know".

"Exactly! Cause you're so good I don't need any other cooks". Iris nods to himself looking proud. Lillium grins. "Whatever, if they taste terrible I'm blaming you." "They won't, hot sauce makes everything better!"

The pancakes taste terrible. Iris seems to enjoy them though so that's at least something. Lillium eats one and figures that's enough.

~ - ~

Iris can't focus. Dan has noticed and she seems agitated. She doesn’t show it, not really, just tells him to focus and do better. Iris tries. But all he can think about is warm embraces. He doesn’t want to obsess over this, but his mind can't seem to let it go. Every time he closes his eyes his mind is filled with images of unexpected soft gazes and even softer touches.

It's not like he’s never been touched before. His mom and Laurence used to hug him when he was young. He'd even held Laurence's hand once. And Rosalie didn't hesitate to give comforting touches. But even those were rare and far between. Both Madam and Laurence had stopped their friendly touches years ago. All he can see when he imagines them reaching out is violence. If he focuses enough, he can still feel the sting of Madams slap.

A dagger his pressed against his throat and he freezes. The dummy he was fighting has gotten the upper hand as he was zoning out. Dan scoffs behind him. "That's enough" her voice is stern, and Iris feels regret fill him. He really doesn’t know what's wrong with him today. "You're not taking this seriously, we'll continue tomorrow." She doesn’t let him answer. Iris wants to protest, but she disappears in a cloud of smoke.

Iris frowns at her disappearance and slumps down on a rock. He feels disappointed, he'd been making serious progress before today. With a sigh he stands up and makes his way out of the lair. No point in moping around here. Maybe Lillium`s doing something fun. The though brings some of his energy back.

Iris is strolling through the town while keeping his head down. He refuses to meet anyone's eyes even if he can hear them mumbling. No need to cause a scene. Some of the townspeople have gotten used to him, but they all still avoid him. Iris can't help but feel down about that as well. He secretly hopes they'll see him for him one day, not his parents. That's probably why he's been working so hard with Dan. What she said one their first day training has stuck with him. He hates having to prove himself constantly, but he knows he is so much more than his parents. He`ll show them all.

Iris is staring so hard at the ground he doesn’t notice that someone's standing in front of him until it’s too late. He bumps into them, but not hard enough to knock anyone over. He takes a step back and lifts his head. His eyes meet long brown hair and a mischievous smile.
"Ah sorry Heather." He smiles relived. Heather is nice, he likes her. "No worries shorty, I didn't see you there" her smile widens. Iris scowls slightly, but he knows she's only joking around. Someone shuffles behind here and Iris realises they’re not alone. There are other demifloras standing there, some looking worried others uncomfortable.

Iris looks back at Heather. "Uhh, what are you doing?" He asks fiddling with his own fingers. "Oh, not much. Just talking." She explains. Iris hums in agreement and considers leaving. The others aren't looking any more comfortable. Heather follows his gaze and looks at her companions as well. "Actually, we were planning a bit of a get together. Hanging out and relaxing you know. To take our minds of everything that's happening".

"Sounds fun!" Iris smiles at her. He means it. If he had a bigger friend group, he would've loved to hang with them. "Yeah, you should come!" Heather's eyes sparks with mischief. The others start mumbling, but they don't outright refuse. Iris considers it. "I don't think I'm allowed to really leave Lillium`s home" he wonders out loud. Heather scoffs. "I wont tell if you don’t" she winks at him. Iris smiles a bit uncertain. "Besides it's good for moral or whatever. Might make people warm up to you." She raises her eyebrows hopefully. Iris feels grateful for her all of a sudden. She's just trying to include him, make him feel welcome. Iris wasn’t sure how he felt about her after their first interactions. She had been helpful, but she always joked around. She’s a lot kinder then she lets on. He gives her a genuine smile and nods. "I'll consider it", he grins. Heather nods, looking happy.

Iris start making his way towards the RV again. He hopes Lillium is there. He wants to ask if they can go together. Just to make sure nothing bad happens. And Lillium could stand to socialise more.

~ - ~

Lillium is sitting in the grass outside the RV relaxing for once. His eyes are closed, the sun warming his skin. He doesn’t have any work today, and it'll be awhile before Iris comes home. He hums softly to himself. He wonders how training is going today, if the lunch he made was good. The thought of Iris enjoying his cooking brings him more joy than it should. The way he smiles to himself and squint his eyes. Lillium might be slightly addicted to that smile.

He might be slightly addicted to all of Iris's smiles. The ones that light up his whole face when he makes an invention that works. Or a new favourite, the gentle curve of his mouth when he wakes up, all relaxed and calm. Lillium hasn’t seen that one since before this morning. He secretly hopes he'll see it again, despite how futile that hope is. The way Iris looks in the morning should be reserved for someone who's earned it. Someone who deserves all that kindness and bravery, someone who won't screw it up immediately.

Lillium opens his eyes with a frown. The sight that meets him is surprising. Speaking of the sun. Coming up the hill is the boy he was just thinking about, head hanging slightly. Lillium frowns deeper. It's way too early for Iris's training to be over. Something must have happened.

He stands up and waits for Iris to reach him. "Hey" the other boy seems to perk up slightly at the sight of him and Lillium suppresses a smile. "You're back early?" He raises an eyebrow. Iris shrugs and looks away, his shoulders slumping again. "Did something happen". Lillium reaches for his dagger subconsciously. "Nah, just...my heart wasn't really in it today. Dan noticed and cut the training short." "Oh" Lillium crosses his arms. He wonders what Iris could have been thinking about instead of training.

"Yeah..." Iris looks disappointed. Lillium feels hopelessly fond. "Oh, but I met Heather" Iris perks up again. "She asked me to hang with her and her friends". Iris looks happy about it, but Lillium can't help the worry that immediately fills him. The trial is still fresh in his mind, and people haven’t gotten fonder of Iris since then. Some of the younger ones might have gotten used to him, but no one is willingly spending time with the boy. Lillium is probably not helping, considering his reputation.
"Really?" "Yeah, and I think you should come too" Iris looks at him hopefully. Lillium considers it. None of Heathers friends really like him and he's not very fond of them either. But if Iris is going, he better tag along, just to make sure nothing bad happens.

"I guess" he doesn't look at Iris as he answers, but Iris must be happy with him because he whoops in joy. "Great! We'll meet them tonight!" He grins brightly and Lillium struggles to regret his decision. How bad can it get?

~ - ~

Very bad apparently. There's alcohol involved. Lillium should have figured as much. He's not exactly worried about himself, or really the others. To be honest some alcohol might be a good idea, to loosen everyone up. It makes the others less vary of Iris at least. But Lillium’s not sure if Iris has tasted alcohol before. He seems like a lightweight at least.

At some point he lost track of the other and he disappeared into the crowd. There's more people here than he anticipated. When Iris resurfaces, he's clutching a bottle of bear in one hand and some strangers arm in the other. Lillium frowns again. He hasn't had much to drink yet. Probably shouldn't either, just so he can make sure Iris gets home safe. And judging by the flush on the other boys cheeks he guesses he's had enough to drink already.

The stranger Iris is holding onto is a boy, an indigo by the looks of it. He doesn’t look as uncomfortable with Iris as he probably used to before tonight. Lillium find some comfort in that. It's good that the others are realizing how great Iris. The two boys stumble over to a couch and sits down together. They're leaning in close to talk. Lillium looks away. It's none of his business what Iris does with other people.

He fiddles with his own drink and meets Heathers eyes across the floor. She grins and makes her way over to him. She's clearly had a drink or two as well. But when she speaks, she's completely coherent. "You look as happy as always" She grins tipping forward. Lillium hums in response. Heather leans back and looks around. Her eyes seem to land on someone before she turns her attention back on Lillium. "Iris is certainly having fun" she wiggles her eyebrows. Lillium scoffs. "Yeah". She laughs at him, but Lillium doesn’t know what’s funny.
She wiggles her eyebrows again grabbing him by the shoulders. "Idiot" she shakes him once before she turns and leaves. Lillium states after her confused. "Gee thanks" he mutters slightly annoyed. He should leave, there's nothing to do here. And Iris can take care of himself. But before he can make it far another set of hands grasps his arm. Lillium tilts his head down to meet a dark pair of eyes.

~ - ~

Iris is giggling into someone's shoulder. He feels light and bubbly. And a bit weird like he’s not really inside his body anymore. It's fun. People are talking to him, at least some of them. Some are still keeping their distance. But he's found a companion even if he can't remember his name. The other boy is handsome, with dark hair and even darker eyes. They’re holding onto each other on the couch laughing about something. Iris can't remember what. He leans back against the cushions and scans the room.

Heather is making her way across the floor to a large group of demifloras. She's smiling brightly. The sight of her makes Iris chuckle. The boy beside him leans into his shoulder. Iris squirms a bit. He's getting hot. His eyes keeps searching. Finally they land on a familiar head of pink hair. He straightens a bit.

Lillium is frowning in a corner, but he's surprisingly not alone. A girl is holding onto his arm grinning. Her hair is a strawberry blonde. She's about Iris height. And she pretty. Something about that makes Iris frown. Lillium shakes his arm loose and tilts his head in confusion. The girl says something but Iris is too far away to hear. He wishes he was closer.

The boy beside him leans further into him. The press of their bodies is uncomfortable. His eyes stay on Lillium as he leans down to speak with the girl. Iris feels a sudden urge to move over to them. With that he stands almost making the other boy topple over. Something tells him his senses are blurred by the alcohol and he struggles to corelate his actions to his emotions. It doesn’t matter, he tells himself.

He makes his way over to his friend not paying any attention to the boy on the couch. "Hey" he smiles as he reaches Lillium’s side. The lily looks as pretty as always. It’s a thought Iris has made peace with it. His friend is good looking, that's just how it is. Today however, his eyes are more mesmerizing than usual.

Iris can't turn away when their eyes meet. He wonders if the other boy is wearing makeup of some sort, if he’s done something to accentuate his features. Either way, the boy looks captivating. Lillium nods in acknowledgment but keeps speaking to the girl. Iris tunes into their conversation.

"What do you think" She stays focused on Lillium without acknowledging Iris. He doesn’t really mind, just steps closer to Lillium. "I'm good" the boy beside him answer. The girl frowns and Iris wonder what they're talking about. "Oh come on" She continues. Her tone is demanding, and it makes Iris frown. What does she want with Lillium? A sudden need to keep the other boy close fills him. He doesn’t want him to go do whatever this girl wants.

So he sneaks an arm around Lillium’s waist and pulls him close. The fabric of his shirt scrunches up under his hands and he holds even tighter. Lillium straightens and fumbles with his drink. He seems surprised by the sudden affection. The girl follows the motion and realisation dawns on her face. Exactly what she's realised Iris doesn’t know. But she backs away while nodding and he's happy enough about that.

"What did she want?" Iris asks Lillium arm still secure around the other boy. His waist is slim and firm under his fingers. Iris twists his hand in the fabric of the shirt and considers sneaking his fingers under said shirt. Just to see if Lillium’s skin is warm or cold to touch. If it's as smooth as it looks. Lillium answers something that Iris can't register, but he doesn’t break the hold yet. Instead, he leans in closer. Their bodies together remind him of last night. Of the comforting feeling of waking in Lillium’s arms.

He smiles to himself happily. This is what he's been craving the whole day. How did he not realise? As soon as the though forms in his brain the touch disappears. Lillium has taken a step away his eyes downcast. His cheeks are as pink as his hair. It suits him, Iris thinks. "We should head home" Lillium says to the floor. Iris wonders what he's looking at. Lillium usually doesn’t have a problem with eye contact. "We probably socialized enough for today" he looks up at that meeting Iris's eyes. His pupils are dilated. Iris wonders if it's the alcohol.
"Yeah sure" Iris agrees easily. He's had a surprisingly good night. Probably best to leave before something goes wrong. He takes hold of Lillium’s arm and leads the way out of the building. Their arms stay interlocked the whole way home. When they get inside Iris is thinking of a way to get Lillium to crawl into bed with him again. The though of separating now seem unbearable. He's found what he's been searching for the whole day, maybe even longer. It's probably his alcohol addled brain that's controlling him tonight, but he doesn’t mind at the moment. As long as Lillium stays.

He wonders how he managed to stay sane without the feel of Lillium’s skin against his for so long. Without saying anything he drags Lillium with him to bed. The other follows willingly. Iris pulls him down onto the bed and tilts his head in question. He tries to ask if this is okay without actually asking. Lillium smiles back so Iris figures he's okay. With a bit too much force he drops down on top of the other and snuggles close. Lillium lets out an indignant huff but settles quickly. They curl around each other limbs fitting together like puzzles pieces.

~ - ~

Lillium wonders if he's taking advantage again. Friends can cuddle right? He hasn’t had many friends so he's not sure. But if they’re both comfortable and happy he figures it must be okay. Iris would have said something if this wasn't okay.

The sun fills the room with light. Iris is still sleeping soundly on top of him. He's glad he didn't drink much yesterday. Iris's head will probably kill him when he wakes, the though fills him with amusement. Serves him right for drinking so much.

Lillium fiddles with Iris's hand as carefully as he can. Physical touch has kind of been a thing between them since the beginning. So, this is probably just a natural progression. Maybe that means touches are more welcome than he originally thought. Iris skin is soft, his scars making slight bumps here and there. Lillium trails the ones on his arm carefully.

The soft touch must be tickling the other boy for he stirs and blinks his eyes open. This morning no smile grazes his lips. His eyes are squinting against the sun and the first sound out of his mouth is a groan. "My head" he mumbles before hiding in Lillium’s chest again. Lillium suppresses a shiver. The feeling off Iris arms around him is more comforting than it should be. He knows Iris probably hasn't experienced many kind touches, but. a bit startled, he realises that neither has he. Maybe this is beneficial for the both of them. Iris groans again and the sound makes Lillium chuckle. "Get off me, I'm gonna grab you some water."

Iris rolls to the side with another groan and Lillium gets up. He gazes down at the other letting himself smile for a moment. Then he makes his way towards the kitchen. He fills a glass with water and searches the cabinets for painkillers. Iris will probably be grateful for that. When he makes his way back to the bedroom Iris is sitting up. He's massaging his own head grumbling to himself. Lillium muffles a laugh and hands him the water. Iris squint at him before begrudgingly downing the glass with the painkillers.

"You okay?" Lillium asks smiling more than he probably should. "It’s not that bad" Iris mumbles still clutching the glass. Lillium drops down on the bed beside him. "I had fun you know, felt good to relax and forget everything for a moment" Lillium nods in understanding keeping his gaze on the wall in front of them. He wonders how much Iris remembers, or if hes had any memory loss at all. Not that anything scandalous happened last night. At the end of the day Lillium is just glad Iris enjoyed himself. The boy`s had it rough enough. Which reminds him...

"Are you okay? I mean with the other night. I didn't bring it up before, wasn't sure if you wanted to talk about it. Just figured I should offer if you did. Want someone to talk to that is" he trails of uncertain. He wasn't joking when he said he's bad with this stuff. But Iris seems to bottle up a lot of stuff and he really doesn’t think too highly of himself. He can feel Iris's eyes in him, but he keeps looking ahead.

"I don't know. You were there, you saw what happened" Iris's voice is strained like just talking about what happened is painful. He sets the glass down and folds his arms over his chest. His head isn't turned towards Lillium anymore. It gives him the courage to look directly at the other boy.

"Yeah, sorry I shouldn't have brought it up" Looking at Iris's tense form he regrets it immediately. Why does he never do the right thing. Iris lifts his head. "No, its fine. It's just hard, I don't know if I've even processed it properly. So much has happened" He smiles uncertainly meeting Lillium’s gaze head on. Lillium offers a careful smile back nodding.
"I'm just glad you're here, you make it all a bit easier." Lillium feels inclined to disagree, but he doesn’t. There really isn't any point in it. If that's how Iris feels who's Lillium to stop him. "I'm just glad I could help" Lillium looks away first. "You know you're really brave for going through all this. I feel like you deserve to know. After all that's happened you're still going strong, and that admirable." He's not sure what possesses him to be so honest. Maybe it’s all the unfinished conversations they've had about this exact thing. Chances hes had to reassure Iris, that he’s let slip.

He remembers sitting in a cell after just arriving home, and Iris's saddened tone when he wondered if he was the problem. Maybe it’s the fact that Iris looks so down right now and Lillium just wants to see him smile. He wonders in the back of his mind when Iris's smile became something he actively strived for.

The touch of a soft palm grabs his attention. Iris places his hand on his cheek and turns Lillium’s head towards him. Lillium feels his breath hitch. Something about the quietness of the moment makes a simple touch like that feel more significant. It's like he thought before, they have never shied away from touching, but the meaning behind every movement seems to have changed. At least for Lillium.

Iris opens his mouth, but no words come out. He presses his lips closed and thinks for a second. Instead of answering he just smiles warmly. The corners of his eyes crinkle and Lillium feels his heart soften. He smiles back and tries to convey how grateful he is that Iris isn't making a big deal out of this. Lillium still feels like he's stumbling through the dark when it comes to feelings, but he`s willing to give it a shot for Iris.

~ - ~

Lillium takes hold of the hand resting on his cheek and squeezes it once before getting up. He heads out the door presumably to make breakfast. Iris slumps down on the bed again. His insides are buzzing and the ache in his head is slowly disappearing. He wonders if something has shifted in their dynamic.

Their relationship had started out rocky, but something in Vegas really changed them. They became roommates for real, and even if Lillium is still hesitant to admit it, Iris knows that they’re friends. But he feels like they've taken a step further. Iris has never been in a relationship before. Most people in the tower didn’t even want to look at him. Not that he thinks him and Lillium are in a relationship or anything. But he can’t deny how he adores every touch they share. That he feels the need to keep Lillium safe no matter how capable he is.

That feeling has been around for a while, the touching is new however. Iris suddenly recalls how it all had started. The urge to help, the need to make Lillium stop looking so hopeless had filled him. He'd been reckless and won the auction. He remembers the feel of Lillium’s arms around him holding him thigh for a second.

He remembers the gratefulness on his face. Just the thought warms his insides, even now. That was probably the start. And then it just spiralled. They've spent so much time together now Iris hardly knows what it’s like to not have Lillium around. And they've held hands bodies pressed together in the heat of the moment. It's been brief, but Iris can still recall every moment. He wonders if he's the only one.

Then that night happened and they had the longest moment of physical contact where there was no real urgency, just soft comfort. Iris never realised how he craved real human touch before now. Hed gone so long without, but now that he has felt it again for the first time in forever he longs for it more than ever. That's what he realised last night in his drunken stupor. He wants Lillium close. He desperately hopes that that's something Lillium wants as well. Even if it's just as friends.

All this thinking makes his head hurt again. Iris grunts as he stands up. With quiet determination he decides he'll test their limits. See what Lillium is okay with and where he puts the line. Iris doesn’t want to push him away. No matter what realizations he's had in the last couple days. What happens will happen. The most important thing is to keep what he already has. It'll be enough. Iris considers for a moment asking Lillium directly what he thinks of their recent development. But the sting of rejection from not only his mom, but also Laurence is still fresh in his memory. If Lillium shuts him down completely he isn’t sure what he`ll do.

With his mind made up he stumbles out of the bedroom and towards the kitchen. He feels a bit gross in yesterday's clothes and silently decides if they`re doing this again they both need to actually get ready for bed first.

Lillium has already changed and is standing against the counter. Iris admires his form for a second. He has acknowledged, quietly to himself, that Lillium is good looking. But he's hardly taken the time to really admire him. Las Vegas crosses his mind once again. He recalls how well the grey suit had fitted Lillium, how stunning he was with dark hair. It made him look very mysterious and sophisticated.

Lillium turns around two plates in hand and grins when he sees Iris observing him. Iris decides the pink suits him much better. Makes him look softer and so much lovelier. Iris sighs and takes a seat at the table. Lillium sets a simple toast in front of him before joining him at the table. Iris nibbles his food. His appetite isn’t great today. They eat in comfortable silence, before Iris realises, he should probably get up and get ready for meeting Dan. He'll stay focused today he promises himself.

~ - ~

They`re walking together through the marked. The pantry needed restocking and they figured going together would be quicker. Besides Iris wouldn't have let Lillium leave him behind to mope around in the RV anyways. Iris looks weirdly determined despite the looks he's getting.

It's been a few days since they met up with Heather, and the people getting friendly with Iris then seems to keep their distance now. At least no one’s yelling. Iris doesn’t look too down about it anyway, or if he is then he's hiding it well. They`re walking close together and Lillium revels in the brush of their fingers from time to time. Deep down he wishes he could just grab the other boy’s hand.

Him and Iris have been more tactile recently and Iris has been initiating more contact than before. It almost seems like he's testing the waters to see what Lillium will allow. He figures that's all in his head though. Iris isn't used to kind touches, and they are friends. It's what friends do. They hug and comfort each other when needed. It's nothing more than that. Still, Lillium can't make himself reach out first. He knows that these innocent touches mean more to him than to Iris and he has a creeping feeling he’s taking advantage. So, he stays happy with the innocent brush of fingers as they make their way through the market place.

But as Lillium is thinking this though he feels Iris's hand wrap around his. He jolts slightly but doesn’t pull away. Their palms fit together perfectly, his larger hand covering Iris's smaller one perfectly. Lillium tries to play it cool, like he wasn't just daydreaming of this exact thing. Iris is just being friendly, he reminds himself. He finds comfort in other people's touch; you are not special he scolds himself. They`re surrounded by hostile townspeople he probably just wants reassurance that he’s not alone. Happy with his reasoning Lillium squeezes Iris's hand and they continue on their way.

~ - ~

Iris smiles happily when Lillium doesn’t let go. He's been carefully incorporating more touch in all their interactions since he realised his feelings for Lillium. He's not entirely sure if he's checking if he's got a chance with the other boy or simply relishing in the feeling of contact.

No matter what his reasons are Lillium doesn’t seem to mind. And he’s |so receptive to touch. He smiles more and his face softens without the furrow between his brows. Iris has noticed that his pupils seem to dilate too and if he's lucky his cheeks flush pink. It's beyond wonderful, and it makes it harder to remind himself that nothing is going om between them.

Lillium wouldn't actually go for him no matter what his reactions might be. The other boy was so reluctant to be his friend and Iris still remembers biting words from when they first met. Iris is too soft and too naive still. Lillium is everything he isn't and he needs someone on his level. It took some time, but Iris has accepted this. Deep down he knew he never had a chance, that much was obvious from the moment Iris realised the extent of his feelings. They have a solid friendship and that's enough. They're comfortable with friendly touches which is even better.

Iris swings their hands back and forth. He adores the feeling of Lillium’s bigger hands covering his. It's like a smaller dose of the feeling of being held by the same hands. Iris might be addicted to the feeling.

Iris observes they`re surroundings, the marketplace bustling with people. They stay away from the two of them, but Iris doesn’t mind too much. Lillium stops at a booth to buy spices and let's go of Iris's hand to pay. Again, Iris doesn’t really mind. He drifts to the left and checks out the other stalls.

As he's watching a smith work on what looks like an intricate dagger someone taps him on the shoulder. Iris turns expecting to see Lillium, finished at the booth, but is instead met with a different face. He barely recognizes the boy standing in front of him. It's the indigo demiflora, one of Heathers friends. Iris lights up. They really hit it off that night and if he's approaching him in the daylight he must not have been scared of. Iris grimace slightly when he remembers how he left the indigo with no explanation the other night.

"Hey man, how are you?" The indigo asks kindly. Iris really wishes he'd remember his name. This is a potential friend considering he's brave enough to approach him in broad daylight. "I'm great, how about you?" Iris answers. "Good, I'm good" the boy chuckles rubbing his neck. "Just wondered since you disappeared so quickly the other night". The indigos tone is friendly bur Iris still feels bad. “I was worried I did something wrong.”

He hurries to explain. "I really don't know what happened. I was a bit drunk and not thinking straight at all" Iris waves his hand in explanation. The indigo nods as if he gets it. He probably does, he was pretty out of it to. Iris is about to continue his explanation when he feels someone pull him close by the waist. His mind flashes back to a moment in Vegas and a more recent memory of the moment he was just explaining.

Lillium has an arm secured around his waist, face completely neutral. Iris wonders about Vegas and the night he met the indigo in front of them. He ponders if there's something possessive about this action, or if his mind is just playing games. The indigo face fills with realization and once again he's reminded of that night a few days ago.

The demiflora talking to Lillium had had the exact same expression on her face. "Ah okay I get it, sorry to bother you you're clearly busy" the indigo chuckles. His and Lillium’s gaze meets and he looks uncomfortable. He turns around and heads in another direction. "I'll catch you later" he calls out to Iris as he leaves. "Yeah, of course" Iris answers relived. Whatever just happened didn't scare away his potential new friend completely.
Lillium steps away imminently letting his arm fall against his side. "I think I got what I needed" he says his face still neutral. Iris squint at him confused at the emotions displayed. But he shrugs it off. That's the first time Lillium has initiated contact. The though makes Iris happy. He's glad it's not only him that wants the touches and the closeness. He's glad that this part of their relationship is mutual at least.

"Great, let's head home" Lillium nods and starts walking. Iris reaches to grab one of the bags Lillium is carrying. It frees one his hands and Iris claims the other boys palm in his as they make their way home.

~ - ~

Lillium feels a bit stupid. He doesn’t know why he behaved like that. After he just promised himself he wouldn’t initiate any unnecessary contact. Actually, he knows why. He'd seen Iris talking to that same indigo from before and for a moment he'd felt the need to hold Iris close. Just to makes sure he was okay, that he wasn’t going anywhere. Of course, the other was okay, nothing was even happening. And then the guy had looked like he'd realised something just like that girl from before. Lillium feels like he knows what they were thinking. He doesn’t know what to do about that.

At least Iris hadn’t been mad. Not that he'd had any right to, he'd done the exact same thing a few days ago. Lillium lets the thoughts go. It doesn’t matter much anyways. Their friendship has just gotten more affectionate, it doesn’t mean anything. Maybe if he keeps repeating that to himself, he'll squash all hope that Iris might see him differently. He knows the hope is futile.

He is reminded of the spawncamper attack again. The look in Iris's eyes when he was reminded who Lillium actually was. Lillium shudders at the thought. He knows that Iris won't look at him differently even if he quits all the jobs. It's too late for him. It's one thing to kill to protect, but he's done a lot more than that. He knows that the more Iris learns about it the more repulsed he'll be. They are still friends though no matter what Iris has seen, he reassures himself.

Lillium moves to the turn the music on. Iris is restocking the shelves. He'd cleaned and sorted through them in the two weeks that Lillium had been absent. So now he has his own system that Lillium has just accepted. The sound of soft jazz fills the kitchen and Lillium lets his worries go for now. He joins Iris in the kitchen and grabs the ingredients he needs to make dinner. Iris continues putting away groceries behind him.

A comfortable quiet settle between them as the music continues. Lillium finds solace in the rhythmic action of cutting vegetables. Soon the sound of Iris moving quiets and Lillium figures he's sat down to sketch or even just watch him cook. He does that sometime, and Lillium prefers it to Iris helping. The boy is a mess in the kitchen.

That is until he feels a presence behind him. Lillium ignores the eyes boring into his back and moves over to the stove. Then slowly and deliberately, he feels hands circle his waist and a head rest between his shoulder blades. He tries not to freeze, but his movements still stop. Breathe, he tells himself. Iris`s arms are strong and solid and Lillium zones in on where they`re wrapped around him. Iris`s hands clutch at the fabric his fingers long and slim. He`s got an artist’s hands, Lillium thinks faintly.

"Is this okay?" Iris mumbles from behind him face pressed against his sweater. Lillium swallow and nods. Before he realises that Iris probably can't see that, so he answers verbally instead. "Yeah, of course" his voice is too fragile, too soft. Iris snuggles in closer his breath warm against Lillium’s back. "Okay, just making sure" his voice is muffled.

Lillium can feel the length of the others body press against him. Iris doesn’t move anymore, content with just hugging him close. They stand like that for a few second before Lillium feels its safe to lean into the embrace. Then he relaxes into the touch happily and turns his attention back towards the food the best he can. It's just Iris being friendly again, he reminds himself yet his cheeks still flush pleasantly. The feeling of arms around him is as comforting as he`d remembered. It's pleasant.

Then Iris moves again. He fingers the fabric of Lillium’s shirt pulling it upwards slightly. Lillium gasps quietly, tensing slightly. Then freezing cold hands are pressed against his stomach and he flinches violently. "Geez, what's wrong with you!" He wiggles free from Iris's grip and scowls at the other. Iris laughs brightly and backs up. His hands are raised in a peace offering.

"Sorry sorry, I couldn't help myself" He's grinning brightly and Lillium can't stay mad. He keeps up the pretence though. He scoffs and takes the food of the stove. "I'd be careful if I were you, I'm the one responsible for the food you eat" he winks mischievously at the other boy. Iris laughs again. "I thought we agreed that that would be a great way to go" he grins. Lillium cracks a smile at that.

~ - ~

Iris can't help but feel like the whole day has been a success. He didn't zone out in training, almost made a friend and both held Lillium’s hand and hugged him. The only thing that would make it all better was if they were curled up in bed together now. But Lillium has climbed up to his own bed and Iris guesses that's okay. They're not dating, he's not entitled to anything. A few cuddles between friends doesn’t mean much.

Iris closes his eyes and falls asleep. He doesn’t know what the time is when he jolts awake again. Something feels wrong. He stands quickly his senses sharp in alarm. He creeps out of the bedroom, with a urge to make sure Lillium is safe asleep in his bed. It's stupid but he figures that checking will do no harm. So he squints up at the bed and catches a glimpse of a body lying there.

Iris breathes a sigh of relief. Everything is fine. But as he’s about to turn and head back to his room he hears a noise. It comes from Lillium’s bed and it sounds like a plea. Iris frowns and looks back up at the boy. Maybe that’s what woke him. He notices quickly that the figure is no longer laying still but rather trashing around. Iris climbs the ladder quickly. A nightmare he guesses.

He remembers how Lillium had held him close after his nightmare. The least he can do is return the favour. "Lillium! You're having a nightmare. Wake up" despite his hard words Iris keeps his voice soft. He can't make out anything Lillium is saying, but he doesn’t have to worry about it for long. Lillium sits up with a jolt shaking slightly.
"Oh, Lillium" Iris wants to reach out and caress the others face, so he does. They've done this exact thing before, so he isn't worried about crossing any boundaries. Lillium exhales shakily and the sound pains him. He holds Lillium’s face in his hands and wipes away the tears that are starting to fall. It's an exact parallel to Iris's nightmare.

"You're okay" he murmurs shuffling closer to the other boy. He almost climbs into his lap but holds back. He doesn’t want to overwhelm him. Instead, he cards his hands through pink hair and mutters reassurances. "I'm here, everything is okay" Lillium responds by pulling Iris closer again. Iris falls into his lap, despite his previous hesitance, legs wrapped around the others middle. Lillium burrows his head in Iris hair and breaths deeply. Iris holds on as tightly as he can.

They stay like that. Iris's skin is tingling, and he feels bad for enjoying the show of affection. But he can't help it. He feels safe and he hopes Lillium feels even a smidge of the same safety as he does. Eventually Lillium loosens his grip, but he doesn’t push Iris away. Instead, he lays down on the bed taking Iris with him.

"This okay?" He asks with Iris`s head resting on his chest, his heartbeat in his ears. Iris doesn’t have the words to express how okay this is. So he just hums contented and tangles their legs together.

~ - ~

They wake in each other's arms but there is no awkwardness. This is the third time it's happened, and Lillium figures that makes a pattern. He's content anyways. Iris hair tickles his chin, but he just breathes in the smell of his shampoo. The heavy weight of another body on top of his is grounding.

He drifts of again and only wakes when Iris begins moving on top of him. The boy sits up straddling his waist. If Lillium was more awake he might feel different about it. But all he can focus on now is Iris's ridicules bed hair. Slowly the other boy crawls out of bed, probably to get ready for the day. Lillium follows shortly after. As they eat breakfast together Lillium tells him to not wait for him to eat dinner. "I have to work late" "Aw okay" Iris answers and takes the plates to clean them off.

~ - ~

Iris finishes dinner alone. It doesn’t taste as good as when Lillium cooks but Iris drowns it in hot sauce anyways so he doesn’t mind too much. He has no idea when Lillium will come home, but it's still early. He's got plenty of free time. He looks around the RV and wonders about what to do. He could always make more sketches. He glances at the fridge and grimace at all the sketches already hanging there. Maybe he should make a bigger fridge.

He decides against it. He probably shouldn't refurnish without Lillium’s consent. But that gives him another idea. He can’t refurnish, but he can always redecorate. Lillium clearly hasn't put much though into decorating. It doesn’t really bother Iris, but he figures since he has the time, he could fix it up a bit.

Iris pulls out his sketch pad and thumbs the paper. He flops down on the couch and stares and the ceiling. It's plain and brown like any other ceilings. The light from the lamps flicker slightly. It casts an ugly yellow shade over the room. Iris covers his eye with his arm and frowns. It's getting darker outside. Iris glances outside the window. The sky is clear, and he can see the beginnings of stars blinking far above. It gives him an idea.

~ - ~

Lillium trudged up the hill shoulders slumped in exhaustion. He's tired. The sight of the RV looks more welcoming than usual. He tugs the door open shouting into the quiet, "I'm home". No one answers. Lillium shrugs of his outerwear. Iris probably went to bed, or maybe he fell asleep on his sketches again. The thought makes Lillium chuckle fondly. He makes his way into the RV opening the door to Iris bedroom. He's expecting a boy fast asleep in his bed but is met with quite a different view. Standing on a stepladder is his roommate, hands reaching towards the ceiling. The room is mostly dark, the only light coming from the living room behind Lillium. And something in Iris's hands.

Lillium steps closer to see what it is. The door slips closed behind him. "You're back" Iris grins and steps down. Lillium tilts his head in question gesturing to the object Iris is still clutching. Iris chuckles and holds it out towards him. It glows faintly with a warm light. Lillium takes it into his own hands to have a closer look. Tiny stars twinkle back at him, sealed in a small glass bottle. Lillium opens his mouth in wonder. "I'm decorating" Iris explains gesturing to the ceiling. Lillium looks up again and notices several glass bottles just like the one in his hand hanging from the roof. It looks like the night sky.

He sighs in wonder. The light coming from the stars are soft and makes everything around them softer too. Including the boy in front of him. Lillium drops his gaze down to Iris. The other boy has a look of anticipation on his face. His dark eyes twinkle like the stars above them, crinkling slightly at the corners. His teeth sink into plush lips and Lillium wants. He's been quiet too long.

"What do you think?" Iris looks more uncertain now. "Beautiful" he answers. He's not sure if he's taking about the room or the boy standing in front of him. Iris's cheeks flush slightly. If Lillium’s eyes weren’t so focused on his face he wouldn't have noticed in the dark. Iris steps closer to him reaching for the bottle in his hands. Lillium stands completely still. Iris steps into his space like he has done so many times before. Except this time he doesn’t move away again. Just takes hold Lillium’s hand and caresses his knuckles. Lillium feels like he's melting. Without blinking he takes his free hand, his fingers shaking, and tucks an unruly strand of hair behind Iris's ear. Iris meets his gaze and doesn’t move away. Actually, he's getting closer.

Iris leans into Lillium tilting his head up. Lillium looks down to keep their eye contact. The hand in his hand reaches upwards. It trails across his bicep and up around his neck. Iris digs his fingers into the back of his hair. Staring intently into Iris's eyes Lillium tries to convey a question without speaking. Iris doesn’t move any further. It's torture. So he makes a move.

"Is this okay?" His voice is shaky. The sound is foreign to his own ears. He regrets speaking and considers moving. Before he can Iris pulls his head downwards. Their lips meet in a soft crash. The angle isn't quite right. Lillium doesn’t react immediately and his hands hang uselessly at his side. Then the moment catches up with him and he pulls Iris closer. He tilts his head to get better access and his brain shuts of completely.

Iris cards his hand through pink hair and presses closer. His lips are soft and only a bit chapped from being bitten. Lillium finds the feeling intoxicating.
Iris pulls back first eyes still closed. Lillium can't remember how to breath. He feels Iris's breath on his face. His nose is scrunched happily and Lillium can count the freckles splattered there. Iris shudders and bit his eyes opening. Pink meets black and something in Lillium snaps.

He takes a step back, than two. Iris's hands fall down. His breathing is uneven. "I'm sorry" Lillium break the silence. His feelings are all over the place, bleeding into his voice. "What?" Iris's voice breaks. Lillium backs up further. "I don't know what happened" He mutters looking away. His hands shake and when he looks down at them alle he sees is red. The ghost of Iris lips on his feels unreal.

"I'm sorry" he swallows. He can taste blood on his tongue. The same blood that covers his hands. He feels wrong. Iris steps closer. "For what" he keeps his tone even and his face neutral. Lillium doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know how to explain to the other boy that this can't happen. That it shouldn't. Lillium lives a different life, he`s a thief and a murderer. He'll never fit into Iris life nor his future. He shouldn't have tried to.

He remembers the look in Iris's eyes the night after the spawncampers attacked. He can't bear it. How could Iris ever touch him, ever kiss him. As if he didn't find Lillium’s actions repulsive and wrong. "I'm not..." his breath is coming out in painful huffs. This is stupid. He doesn’t know what Iris wants. "I'm not right" he forces out.

He doesn’t know why he needs to explain this. Iris knows. Which is why this is so confusing. Why doesn’t Iris leave. Why does he seem to want more. "What?" Iris sounds pained but Lillium doesn’t look at him. He looks at the ceiling instead. The stars keep blinking softly. It really is beautiful. Lillium chuckles feeling a bit hysteric. He feels like he's going to blow up again and take everything good down with him.

"What are you doing?" He asks instead of answering Iris. "Kissing you?" The other answers sounding confused. "I'm sorry, I thought you... I must have misunderstood. I shouldn’t have." Iris sounds miserable cutting himself of. Lillium laughs again. "No, you shouldn't have". Iris is quiet for a moment. They stand there in the faint glow of the light Iris has made. The only sound filling the room is Lillium’s panicked breathing.

"What did you mean. When you said you weren't right?" Iris`s voice breaks the silence and he steps forward. Lillium tenses and glares at the ceiling. "You know what I mean." He answers bitterly. Dark disappointed eyes flash in his mind. "I really don’t" Iris sounds confused and steps closer again. Lillium grits his teeth. Curse Iris for playing dumb.

"Why did you kiss me?" He knows he sound angry. His eyes finally meet Iris's. The other boy is frowning his own eyes downcast. "I'm sorry, I just." He sounds frustrated. "You looked so beautiful in the light. And I've been wanting to for a while actually. Your lips look so soft and inviting" Iris cheeks progressively gets redder. Lillium feels the anger leave him. "What" he croaks. Iris's response leaves him floundering. What, his mind screams.

"You're everything to me you know. You're brave and kind, despite what people say. I've known it since the moment we met. I just hadn't really considered it." He breaths in deeply. "But then you held me the whole night after I had a nightmare. And I couldn’t get the feeling of your arms around me out of my mind. I craved it desperately and I wanted...I wanted more" Iris's gaze is intense. He looks a bit scared Lillium realises. His brain doesn’t register much more.

"I'm sorry I kissed you, I misunderstood" Iris's shoulders drop. He looks small and Lillium’s heart breaks. "No...no I think I misunderstood" He whispers. "I didn't realise...I never considered you could actually." He tries to breath like a normal person. "You looked at me so upset that night. And I just wanted to protect you. I figured that would've been enough. I didn't need anything else as long as you were just here" He's rambling now, but he doesn’t know how to stop. His voice raises.

"Since Vegas, since we almost split up I've felt this urge to keep you close. I felt selfish, especially after your nightmare. Like I was taking advantage. I thought it was safest if I let you lead. You look so miserable every time you can't help anyone. And what I do is the opposite of helping people" He clenches his hands. "Why would you ever look at me?" He finishes.

Iris stays quiet. "You helped me" Lillium squeezes his eyes shut. The vulnerability in Iris`s voice makes his heart ache. "You helped me even though you didn't have to, you got me out of the tower and gave me a place to stay. Even after you said we were even you helped me. You saved me in Vegas." Iris steps into his space again and Lillium lets him. The other cradles his cheek gently. Lillium opens his eyes surprise filling him. "I don't think you're wrong. I know now what kind of world we live in. but I also believe people are more nuanced then just bad or good." He smiles softly.

Lillium exhales shakily and lunges forward. He pulls Iris tight against him wrapping his around the smaller boys back. Iris holds him back just as tightly. It's not perfect, far from it actually. But it's warm and safe and more than enough for now. Lillium let's himself hope that they'll figure out the rest along the way.