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I just want you to leave.
Rejection. Something he never thought he would experience.
Satoru tightened his fingers around the glass as Utahime's voice continued to echo in his mind. It was true that he couldn't tolerate alcohol, and as someone who preferred sweets, he was even disgusted by the smell of it, but he didn't know what else to do. He had thought that maybe alcohol would remove the knot in his throat, that maybe it would burn through his throat and dissolve it as it traveled down into his stomach.
He was wrong.
The knot in his throat had gotten even worse, his eyes were burning as well as his throat, and it was getting harder and harder to keep his head upright as it began to spin.
"That's enough, Satoru." Suguru let out a soft sigh and reached for his clenched fingers. "Are you going to tell me what happened?"
Not knowing how to deal with the deep sorrow he felt, or even the grief, Satoru tried to turn it into a familiar emotion.
Fury.
"I don't know what's wrong with her." The laugh that escaped his lips sounded odd even to himself. "I'm her soulmate, for fucks sake. What more could she want?"
Soulmate. Satoru would never have thought his could be Utahime. They were complete opposites, they couldn't even have a decent conversation for more than two minutes without starting to argue.
"And you know what?" Satoru turned to his friend with nothing covering his eyes. "I tried to be the best soul mate I could be, I gave her freedom, I let her go on any mission she wanted, no matter how dangerous it was."
Suguru opened his lips to say something, but Satoru didn't let him. "I didn't even force her into a relationship, and when it comes to your soul mate... well, you have no idea how hard that is."
Suguru let out a soft sigh. "Satoru-"
"No, I'm not finished." Satoru forced himself not to growl at his friend. "I thought we were getting better, that we could finally have something real. Then tonight I finally took a step towards that and asked her out."
He brought the glass he still held tightly to his lips and drank the remaining whiskey in one go, the unpleasant taste of the alcohol causing him to close his eyes tightly and grimace. "And you know what she said to me?"
A couple of hours ago.
"I'm sorry." Utahime's big eyes shone with an emotion Satoru couldn't make sense of at the moment, and she slowly stepped back, holding his hands that cupped her cheeks. "It's just-"
Satoru blinked once, definitely not the reaction he was expecting. "It's just what?"
Utahime averted her eyes and withdrew her hands from his hands, hugging herself, as if she wished she could put a little more distance between them.
And that made Satoru see red.
Three whole fucking years apart, even though they were soul mates. Three years, and still Utahime wasn't ready to give it a chance.
She wasn't ready to give them a chance.
"It's just what, Utahime?" He took a step towards her, aware that he was trying to use his height to dominate her, but he couldn't bring himself to care. "What the fuck did I do wrong this time?"
Utahime swallowed as she turned her eyes back to him. "I just-"
"No." Satoru was aware that he had asked her that, but he was too furious to listen to her excuses. "I'm your soulmate! Why are you still fighting it?"
"I tried to do everything you asked me to do, no matter how hard it was. I respected your choices and wishes, no matter how stupid they were. I never forced you to do anything, never-"
"There!" Utahime exploded unexpectedly, the emotion in her eyes giving way to the anger Satoru knew so well. "Do you hear yourself? You may be my soul mate but you don't own me, Gojo. I am not something to be owned, I am an individual!"
"I'm not going to apologize for you having to change yourself for what should have been from the beginning." Utahime continued to look at him without averting her eyes. "Nor for still not being enough."
Satoru sucked in a sharp breath.
"You say you want something real, but it feels like all you care about is the soulmate bond." Utahime dropped her shoulders, as if all her anger had left her. "If we weren't soulmates, would you want this?"
Satoru was caught off guard by the question.
"I would still be in love with you." he wanted to say, but what came out of his lips was completely different. "I don't know."
Three words, eight letters, a simple, single sentence that he didn't have the courage to tell her.
I love you.
Satoru could bear Utahime's rejection of the bond, but he couldn't let her tear him apart after he had put his heart in her hands.
It would destroy him.
"I see." Utahime murmured flatly, and Satoru swallowed, realizing he'd screwed up once again.
"I don't care if you are my soul mate. I would still be in love with you even if you weren't, in all the lives I'll ever live. I would choose you, every fucking time."
"And I want you to choose me.
"I want you to choose to be with me, not just because I'm your soul mate, but because you love me.
"I want you to want this."
All the things he had to say, all the things he wanted to say, and not once did Satoru manage to wear his heart on his sleeve and not on his cheek.
"Utahime." He managed to say her name, hoping that somehow she would understand everything underneath. "I- What do you want me to do?"
What else did he need to fix? "Tell me what you want me to fix and I will do it."
"I just want you to leave." As Utahime turned away, she tightened her arms around herself a little tighter.
The joke was on him, because he didn't even have to say those words for Utahime to destroy him.
Even if she didn't know it, his heart was already in her hands.