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Dramatis Personae
LOKI, Prince of Jötunheim (Benedick)
SYLVIE, Duchess, niece of Odin (Beatrice)
THOR, Prince of Vanaheim (Claudio)
JANE, Princess of Asgard (Hero)
MOBIUS, military general (Don Pedro)
ODIN, King of Asgard; Jane's father (Leonato)
FRIGGA, Queen of Asgard; Jane’s mother (Antonio)
KANG, discontented soldier (Don John)
CASEY, messenger
RENSLAYER, follower of Kang (Borachio)
MISS MINUTES, follower of Kang (Conrad)
VOLSTAGG, HOGUN, FANDRAL, soldiers and Thor’s friends
CELIA (C-20), friend of Jane and Sylvie (Margaret)
VERITY, friend of Jane and Sylvie (Ursula)
HEIMDALL, a priest (Friar Francis)
ACT I
We begin our tale in Asgard where King Odin and Queen Frigga live with their daughter, Princess Jane, and her noble cousin and companion, the Duchess Sylvie. One day, while relaxing outside the palace with his family and courtiers, King Odin receives word that General Mobius has returned from the multiversal war and will be arriving home soon with his fellow soldiers.
The news is met with general merriment, and the courtiers have many questions for the messenger about the imminent arrival of the soldiers. Chief among the inquirers is Duchess Sylvie.
SYLVIE
I pray you, is Mr. Magician-face returned from the war, or no?
CASEY THE MESSENGER (flustered)
…I know none of that name in the army, lady.
ODIN
Whom are you asking for, niece?
JANE (laughing)
My cousin means Prince Loki, Father.
CASEY
Oh, he's returned; and as silver-tongued as ever he was!
SYLVIE
I pray you, how many timelines hath he saved in these wars? For indeed I promised to weave all his salvaged timelines into a wig and wear it at the next ball. None, I take it?
CASEY
Well… perhaps not single-handedly. But he hath done good service, lady, in this war!
SYLVIE
Only with mischief afoot, mark my words.
JANE
What, art thou a hypocrite, Sylvie? You are full of mischief yourself.
SYLVIE
My mischief is of the righteous variety, his of the ineffectual and fruitless.
CASEY (indignantly)
Good lady, Loki is stuffed with all honorable virtues!
SYLVIE
It is so, indeed; he is no less than a stuffed man.
FRIGGA
I see, dear niece, the gentleman is not in your good books.
SYLVIE
Ha! If he were in any of my books, I’d drop an oil lamp on them, setting them aflame. But, I pray you, Casey, who is Loki's sworn brother of late? Whom has he roped into his devilish schemes?
CASEY
He is mostly in the company of the right noble Thor.
SYLVIE (in mock horror, hugging Jane)
O Norns, he will hang upon Thor like a disease! If Thor has caught the Loki pestilence, he’ll never recover.
ODIN (chuckling)
You will never run mad, niece.
SYLVIE
No, not till a hot day in Jötunheim.
When the soldiers arrive, Thor quickly rekindles an old spark with the beautiful Jane. He regales the assembled crowd with tales of his enormous hammer (which Jane seems to enjoy greatly), and Count Mobius agrees that the hammer has been quite an asset in battle.
All the while, Sylvie lies in wait, anticipating the moment when she can resume her never-ending war of words with Prince Loki. She waits until a great crowd has assembled to hear their sparring.
MOBIUS
Why Thor, you shall be the toast of the town. You’ll be married to one of these fine ladies before the week has drawn to a close.
LOKI (scoffs)
Thor should well marry his hammer; it would be of more use to him than a wife!
SYLVIE
I wonder that you are still jabbering on, Loki: nobody marks you.
LOKI
What, my dear Lady Dagger-tongue! Are you yet living?
SYLVIE
Is it possible my barbed tongue should die while it hath such ripe food to feed it as the Honorable Loki?
LOKI
It is certain I am loved of all ladies and gentlemen, only you excepted: but my heart is merely an illusion projection; for, truly, I love none.
SYLVIE
A dear happiness to all. I thank the Norns, I am of your humor for that: I had rather hear a frog croak at an alligator than a suitor swear devotion to me.
LOKI
Norns keep your ladyship still in that mind, so some lover or other shall escape a predestinate stabbed face.
SYLVIE
Stabbing could not make it worse, if 'twere such a face as yours.
LOKI
Why, you crow like a covetous raven!
SYLVIE
A bird of my tongue is better than a frost-beast of yours.
LOKI
I would my eight-legged horse had the speed of your tongue. But keep your way — I am done! (Exits.)
SYLVIE
You always end with a serpent's trick: I know you of old.
As the crowd begins to disperse, King Odin and Queen Frigga greet a soldier with a sullen disposition who has caused the kingdom trouble in the past: Count Kang. He answers simply and plainly, and while everyone around them spies nothing amiss, Sylvie suspects he may yet cause problems.
Sylvie sneaks away, trying to follow him… but he is gone before she can track him.
Loki, meanwhile, speaks to Mobius and Thor, and Loki tells Mobius of the grave offense Thor has committed: the offense of falling in love.
LOKI
Mark you this, Mobius, on my allegiance: Thor is in love! With who? Behold how unoriginal his answer is: with Jane, Odin's tediously pretty daughter.
THOR
Ah, Loki, do you think it might be requited?
LOKI
Why, it pains me to say so, but yes.
MOBIUS
Well done, if she loves you! For the lady is beautiful and intelligent.
THOR
That I love her, I feel.
MOBIUS
That she is worthy, I know.
LOKI
That I neither feel how she should be loved nor know how she should be worthy, is the opinion that great wolf-hounds cannot tear out of me. Love, you see, is a dagger: a weapon to be wielded far away or up close. You can see yourself in it. ‘Tis beautiful… until it makes you bleed. But ultimately, when you reach for it…
MOBIUS AND THOR
‘It isn’t real.’
LOKI
Good friends, can you read my thoughts?
THOR
Loki, thou hast given this speech before.
MOBIUS (to Thor)
‘Tis but a coincidence, is it not, that he dubbed the Lady Sylvie a ‘dagger-tongue,’ and lo, he yet maintains that ‘love is a dagger.’
LOKI
…Why yes, good Mobius. It is a coincidence, and a trivial one at that.
MOBIUS (shaking his head, chuckling)
I shall see thee, before I die, look pale with love.
LOKI
With fury, with envy, or with drink, my lord, not with love: prove that ever I lose more blood with love than I will get again with figgy port, and thou may pilfer the hornéd crown from my head and plant a sign on me, which says, 'Here you may see Loki the married man.'
MOBIUS (sarcastically, rolling his eyes)
Norns forbid thou lose thy horns, Loki; what a tragedy would befall us. Whatever would the kingdom do without those indispensable appendages?
THOR (under his breath, to Mobius)
Nay, sir, if ever Loki should marry Sylvie, he would not be hornless, he would be [giggling] horny!
(Mobius and Thor double over with laughter.)
LOKI
Oh, well jested, sirs. A less original pun hath never been wrought in the whole of Asgardian history. I have more weighty matters to attend to; fare you well.
(Exeunt.)
Meanwhile, Count Kang meets with his spies, Miss Minutes and Ravonna Renslayer. Despite the fact that the two of them are competing for his affections, they put aside their differences so as to assist Kang in his plot to rule this universe... and possibly beyond.
KANG
I fear I may not simply rest and rejuvenate in Asgard; action beckons me. You know my concerns, which may prove food to my displeasure.
MISS MINUTES
We do, dearest Kang. [batting her eyelashes at him] If I may ease your burden—
RAVONNA
Silence; let him speak.
KANG
I must have free rein to conquer, to hold this universe in my grasp. But in my soldierly roving, what have I seen again and again?
RAVONNA
Thou has seen Thor and Jane, born and bred on different timelines. Variants.
MISS MINUTES
Finding each other, joining forces, becoming a duo as powerful as any the multiverse has ever seen.
KANG
Countless times. And here, in our very timeline, we find both of them with the intent to marry? It is as dangerous a situation as one could ever comprehend. I shall never gain my power — and nor shall you — if they are permitted to join forces.
RAVONNA (standing)
Then I shall kill them both. For you. Without hesitation.
MISS MINUTES (standing)
Say not so! I shall kill them first!
KANG
None of that. Discord among our ranks will be our ruination, as will outright murder. I plan to be a benevolent dictator, do I not? Thor’s intentions are clear; he means to woo and wed the princess. Bloodshed is not required; what we must accomplish is the thwarting of of their marriage. Make them hate and despise each other, so that they wish for nothing more than to take root at opposite ends of the Nine Realms and never henceforth set eyes on each other.
MISS MINUTES.
An excellent plan, and so very benevolent!
RAVONNA
But sir, my sources do tell me that Prince Loki and Duchess Sylvie are, elsewhere in the multiverse, as much variants as Thor and Jane. Should we not take steps to prevent them from uniting, as well?
KANG
My dear Ravonna [Miss Minutes looks furious], the day Loki and Sylvie lay down their arms and so much as speak a civil word to each other will be the day I hang up my helmet and cease to pursue domination. ‘Tis a fantasy; ‘twill never occur. We need not worry about a cease-fire between the magician and the enchantress.
And thus, Kang dismisses Ravonna's concerns. For who in all creation would imagine that Loki and Sylvie could ever cease their bickering and join forces?