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Of course Mingi brings the alcohol. Of course. Because how could he fucking not when it's his birthday. Others seem pretty happy about it, an easy way to destress after all and Seonghwa can't say he hates it. No, really. He's just too aware of what comes after eight of them drinking together without tomorrow's schedule to set some kind of limit.
Two hours later and it's already chaos. Like he doesn't have enough of it while they're sober. It's worse, though, cause Wooyoung is already coming to join Mingi on the table, dancing to whatever San turns on, skipping songs every other minute. Yeosang is sitting on the couch looking very much drunk but still explaining something to Yunho very seriously, which has the latter nodding fervently with furrowed brows, listening attentively. Seonghwa wonders what they are talking about.
" ...so it's virtually impossible to get her from a regular kinder surprise egg, but if you go to the store near our studio right after they open..."
Nevermind. He walks off to where Jongho tries to teach Hongjoong how he slices the apples in halves with his hands. They both seem wasted too, though certainly not as much as Mingi. He really made it his mission to pass out from either alcohol or dancing. Or both. Hongjoong notices him getting close and smiles tipsily making Seonghwa's breath catch in his throat. He swallows around it and returns the smile awkwardly.
"You're here for the workshop, too?", Hongjoong jokes and Seonghwa thinks this requires some sort of answer, but he just can't bring himself to think of something with the sight as distracting as the man in front of him. Hongjoong's eyes are shining with something-- drunkenness, he believes-- and his grin is lopsided, which is usually seen exclusively on stage, and on top of that he looks serene. No, not even that, he looks relaxed. It's one of Seonghwa's favorite things to see.
Seonghwa is entranced and he's sure his staring will become weird after a few more seconds, so he rummages his mind for a reply of sorts, but instead hears someone speak.
"Gentlemen, I have a great idea," San slurs a bit but still seems to get everyone's attention. "Two words. Spin the bottle."
"That's three words," Yunho interjects.
"That's three words," San repeats in a mocking tone. "If you're still able to count you haven't drunk enough, am I right?"
He gets a round of cheers at that. Of course.
"Everyone's playing," he concludes. "And that wasn't a question."
All of them don't seem to mind the game, some are even excited, but not Seonghwa. Oh no, his heart stopped the exact same second the words left San's mouth and it hasn't started beating ever since. This is dangerous, very dangerous, because for some reason it seems obvious all of his friends that he's whipped for Hongjoong. Except for Hongjoong himself, that is. Beautiful, oblivious Hongjoong. Sometimes Seonghwa wishes he knew. So that he would reject him and stop giving him hope by those occasional tender touches or prolonged glances when he thinks no one's watching. Seonghwa wants to believe it all, to believe that it means something, but he usually knows better. He opts for letting Hongjoong stay in the dark and leaving his feelings hidden within his chest. It's easy and familiar and very very hurtful, but that's fine. Nothing he couldn't manage. He tells himself it's better off this way every time he looks in the mirror and hopes he wakes up one day and truly believes it. It's a nice thought, a heartening one.
They all gather in a circle on a carpet, just like the game requires and wait for San to return with a bottle. Hongjoong ends up to Seonghwa's right, too close for his already racing heart, but he's only a man after all, one that could not deny Hongjoong's proximity. Soon enough San joins them, too.
"Okay so everybody knows the rules, right?" he looks to the side where Mingi and Wooyoung giggle at the bottle rolling from the center a bit and sighs. "Fine, maybe I underestimated our drunkenness. Anyway, spin the bottle and ask the person it's pointing at 'truth or dare'. Easy enough?"
All of them nod in response and San beams at that, relieved to have no further explanation to make."Well then, unless someone objects, I'll start," he announces. The bottle lands on Jongho and San grins.
The game starts from here and goes on for God knows how long, because Seonghwa doesn't really pay attention to it, not when a few minutes in Hongjoong rests his head on his shoulder and, as if that wasn't enough for a heart attack, smiles up at him dazedly and tipsily and so sweetly right after, and Seonghwa feels like drowning, gasping for breath and reaching out to steady himself somehow but only falling deeper. Maybe he won't be able to look in the mirror tomorrow.
At some point Seonghwa registers the bottle pointing at him and Wooyoung grinning mischievously and he hasn't even fully acknowledged the situation yet but his heart still drops, knowing what's about to come already.
"Truth or dare, hyung?"
Seonghwa swallows. "Truth."
"No, no, you've already picked truth twice. Haven't you heard our change in the rules?" Wooyoung's smile grows. "You have to pick a dare."
He feels sick. "I don't want to play anymore."
"Too late. Pick a dare."
Seonghwa wants to disappear. From this room and this whole useless world. He knows what this dare means. Wooyoung gave him no hints whatsoever and still he knows exactly what's going to happen. His mouth is dry and he stares into the wall blankly as he utters this one word. "Dare."
He vaguely hears cheering as he tries to calm down his heart that can't stop trying to beat out of his chest. This is fine. Maybe he was mistaken about Wooyoung? Maybe the dare is going to be something stupid like others had or something not even connected with....
"...Hongjoong".
He misses the first part entirely and swallows thickly. He doesn't want to know the answer but still asks. "...what?"
"I dare you," Wooyoung repeats pointedly, "to kiss Hongjoong."
Seonghwa's heart drops. That's it. That's the bane of his existence -- a stupid game for drunk teenagers. He blinks once, twice, even goes to pinch himself to prove that it's a dream, a fucking nightmare, but with a raise of his hand remembers there's someone on his shoulder. Hongjoong looks up at him and stares, just like cats do, merely and unblinkingly, not asking and not answering, just looking and waiting. Seonghwa has the patience. He has the patience and all the time in the world usually, but not now. Not when everybody's looking at them and saying something, giggling and doing all sorts of things when Seonghwa's whole world crumbles. It falls apart rapidly and he's not sure he will be able to set it back in place, not when it was contained in the eyes staring at him now, piercing right through him and making it so much harder to think. To come up with anything to get out of doing this dare.
Hongjoong is suddenly so close, he hasn't realised that they've been just staring at each other for about a minute now, until Wooyoung catches his attention again, laughing obnoxiously like he always does.
"Come on, hyung, I gave you an easy dare. Nothing to contemplate so much."
Seonghwa wants to hit him, like, a lot. Because Wooyoung knew. He fucking knew about his pathetic predicament just like the rest of them.
Seonghwa considers running away, just standing up abruptly and leaving this godforsaken room. He'll deal with it tomorrow, when they are hangover and can't quite grasp their memories of the previous night, apart from their hyung behaving strangely. That's the way, he decides. He almost gets up from the ground when he meets Hongjoong's eyes again and his plan is entirely forgotten. Hongjoong looks at him like he knows exactly what he was thinking about and Seonghwa doesn't really believe it, but he looks almost hurt, and he can't stand it. He knows that he won't --can't--leave now, not when Hongjoong is here, gazing at him and urging him to do something, anything. Seonghwa turns to face him.
"You don't have to do it," Hongjoong whispers. "I can say that I'm not feelng well or.."
Seonghwa curses himself. He's being inconsiderate and rash and so so selfish, but he curses himself even more because he doesn't care about any of that when he feels Hongjoong's lips. He leans in so suddenly he doesn't even register it at first, only when he hears Hongjoong breath in sharply. Seonghwa is so screwed. He’s hopeless, completely and utterly gone, because as soon as he processes what they are doing, where his lips are now, and most importantly, where Hongjoong’s are, he feels like he’s been kicked in the guts. There’s suddenly no air in his lungs and all he can do is focus on the sensation of Hongjoong being so impossibly close, so warm and real and so him.
At this point, there is nothing to lose. Hongjoong must have understood everything already, if not from his panic at the simple dare then now for sure, so Seonghwa decides that it doesn't really matter anymore. He brings up a hand to cup Hongjoong's cheek tenderly, holding him carefully, because he doesn't really trust this all not to break. It's like a dream, a divine fantasy that is so very fragile. He just stays like that for a few seconds, savoring the moment, imprinting it into his memory to never ever be able to forget how this felt. His body seems weightless and he senses a thousand little needles pricking into him all at the same time. His thoughts are a jumbled mess and that's to blame for everything, because he brushes the side of Hongjoong's face lightly and moves his lips against him. They are soft. So very soft and he wasn't able to feel it at first, at that barely there touch, but now he feels it full force and his head spins. He’s crashed with a wave of memories of all the sleepless nights he imagined this happening. Him holding Hongjoong in his hands and feeling him, letting himself feel. The reality is nothing like he envisioned it, it’s so much better. Hongjoong’s presence makes him dizzy, electrifying his whole body with the need to be closer, to prolong this moment as much as he could.
He can't. Can't do this to Hongjoong. Can't use him for his own selfish desires anymore.
He pulls away. He doesn't open his eyes at first, scared at what he might see. He does eventually and is met with a sight of Hongjoong staring at him wide-eyed, lips still slightly parted and confusion written all over his face. Seonghwa turns away so that he doesn't see the disgust appear there, which should as soon as Hongjoong processes the kiss. He looks up at everyone else and feigns a smile for them to see. Their kiss must have lasted less than half a minute, but seemed like years to Seonghwa. A whole life, full of tenderness and futile hopes.
Everybody looks surprised, like they didn't actually believe Seonghwa would do it. He doesn't blame them -- he didn't believe it too. Even now, after he had done it, he still feels like this was some sort of sophisticated delusion, too ethereal to believe, too scary to think of its consequences -- just too. Seonghwa avoids looking back at Hongjoong when he stands up.
“I think I’m gonna go to bed now,” he doesn’t look at anyone as he heads down the hall, away from the living room, away from the stares and the agonizing ache in his heart. It’s difficult to escape the latter, the pain following him into his bedroom, and as he closes the door and leans against it, he clasps his hand over his chest and squeezes as hard as he can, trying to get some breath into his lungs but not quite filling them up. He doesn’t register the wetness against his cheeks, the sudden sting in his nose and a lump forming in his throat the only indications he gets that he’s crying. He blinks a few times, trying to get it out of his eyes, out of his chest, but it lingers. He tries inhaling shakily but only feels more tears fall out.
Seonghwa doesn’t feel like standing anymore. He just grounds himself against the door and lets his body slide down to the ground. He tangles his fingers into his hair and pulls, hard. The pain distracts him from everything else for a moment and that’s enough for him. A second of hopeful silence, of fake promises and an empty mind. No worries when there’s no one to worry about and no regrets when there are no consequences. He wishes he could live once again, go on with his life like there was never even a fraction of love in his heart, like he wasn’t a coward, wasn’t a total failure, all selfish desires and sinful thoughts. He wishes he could be someone else, could wake up in the morning and be honest with himself, could rid himself of his feelings and bear to look Hongjoong in the eyes. To look in the mirror again.
He shivers. There’s nothing to hide anymore. He’s made a mistake falling for Hongjoong, getting to know him, hell, even looking at him was a mistake, because the moment their eyes locked for the first time, Seonghwa knew. He always had this feeling, he just didn’t know how to name it at first, but when his heart somersaulted the second he gazed into those eyes, he knew. He stood no chance.
Love hurts more than he thought it would, and certainly more than it should. It settled in his chest like a seed, planted there when his sternum got cut through with something similar to a scythe, and stretched its roots throughout his whole body, leaving no pieces untouched, not even an inch of him not soaking with syrupy sweet love. It aches, it weights his heart like lead and leaves almost no space in his lungs to breathe. It hurts so much, it hurts all the fucking time and Seonghwa wouldn’t trade it for the world.
***
About two hours of restless sleep later he decides that the confines of his bedroom serve its purpose no more and he may as well change his surroundings. Seonghwa heads to the living room joint with their kitchen, hoping others have gone to beds by now.
Indeed, the common area is empty, the only signs of drunk partying now being bottles discarded here and there. Though he notices a silhouette of someone lying on the couch, he pays it no mind, concluding that whoever that might be is too drunk to hear him anyway and is fast asleep by now.
Seonghwa proceeds to the kitchen then, opening the fridge in search of something to cool down his overheated brain. He settles on a bottle of some vitamin water, taking it out and closing the fridge tiredly, but there is no sleep remaining in his eyes whatsoever when he lets go of the fridge door, turning to leave, only to be met with a figure standing right behind it. He is sure there was no one when he entered the room, so his surprised yelp and a drop of the bottle is justified enough, even more so taking into account the eerie similarity of it all to a horror movie scene. With the closed fridge there is also no light apart from the dim glow of the moon penetrating the curtains. That doesn’t really help, but Seonghwa knows exactly who is standing before him.
“God, you scared me”, he says.
“Did you mean it?” Hongjoong doesn’t waste a second, seeming like he’s been waiting and turning this question over in his head for a while now.
“W-what?” Seonghwa feels sick all over again. He can see Hongjoong clearly now, eyes accustomed to almost no sources of light in the room, and he watches the strange emotion in Hongjoong’s eyes thoroughly, not willing to miss a thing, because the other seems...worried? Nervous even, and it confuses Seonghwa. With him, Hongjoong is nothing if not collected and witty, always the one to make a mess out of Seonghwa. He wonders what got him so on edge and feels a ping of anger at the thought of that something. It shouldn’t be like this.
“The-”, Hongjoong stops mid-sentence and his face squirms. He finishes, though. “The kiss. Did you mean it?”
Seonghwa doesn’t understand. Any of it. Why would Hongjoong-? No, that’s not right. It shouldn’t be like this. Why bring up that kiss? In the middle of a night, almost like Hongjoong was restless too. Couldn’t sleep, thinking of the other’s lips, constantly trying to remember all the details slipping through the mind with every passing second, craving more and dreading it at the same time, not being able to close his eyes for a moment without drowning in the memories, not getting a single breath of air since that…
Yeah, seems like Seonghwa is in this alone.
He doesn’t know what to answer. Truth isn’t an option, so he goes with his usual routine of pretending his heart doesn’t take up his whole body.
“It was a dare, wasn’t it?” He tries to smile at that, wants to seem casual, but only manages a light twitch of lips. There is a lump in his throat and a nagging fear standing behind him, close enough to lay a hand on his shoulder.
“Right”, Hongjoong utters, though he doesn’t seem relieved at that like Seonghwa imagined him to be. He’s confused again, not really knowing what to do, but then Hongjoong is smiling at him weakly, his eyes glassy, and starts turning to walk away, and Seonghwa isn’t sure which one of these does it for him, or maybe it’s the way Hongjoong’s voice breaks a little at his last word, but in the next moment Seonghwa is talking, saying the thing he dreaded hearing from himself most, jumping from a cliff and hoping there’s a lake under.
“I wanted it”, he draws in a breath after uttering the words, not quite believing that it was him who said it just now. It won’t be the same. The words are nothing but a whisper but Hongjoong hears them, stops and flinches but doesn’t turn to face Seonghwa yet. It will never, ever be the same again. But maybe he could still try to fix some of it? Maybe he can blame it on the still present alcohol in his veins, explain and say that he just chose the wrong words, that he totally didn’t mean that… “I kissed you because I wanted it.”
It all crumbles. Right in front of Seonghwa there’s a wave growing bigger with every second and trying to get to him, preparing to crash him and he waits. He waits for its overwhelming weight to bury him underneath, for it to be finished. He waits and waits and waits some more, feels like standing here for a couple of days if that means salvation, but there’s none.
There’s only Hongjoong, turning back slowly, as if he’s afraid to break that moment too. He looks at Seonghwa like it’s physically hurting him somehow, this situation, like he made a decision so painful he can’t execute it, but won’t allow himself to back off, he looks resigned. Seonghwa wants to take his hand and tell him something reassuring, to lead him out of here and show him the stars, he wants anything and everything with Hongjoong.
He stays in his place. Hongjoong takes a step closer and looks him in the eyes, daring to look away. Seonghwa doesn’t. He waits for Hongjoong to execute his plans, to execute him, to cut out his heart and give him a peace of mind. He thinks it shows in his eyes.
“Do it again”, Hongjoong mutters. He looks somewhere between determination and breaking down in tears right the next second. Seonghwa breathes in shakily, trying to understand the request.
“I don’t-”
“Kiss me again,” Hongjoong repeats, scrunching his beautiful face and fighting with himself to keep standing where he is. “Like you mean it.”
Seonghwa feels these words crawl under his skin and settle there, encompassing all of him. He doesn’t want to think anymore, doesn’t want to be responsible, doesn’t want to lie to himself. He can’t bear walking away again.
Seonghwa reaches his hand and cups Hongjoong’s face, watches him breathe in slowly, his chest filling up with air.
He leans in.
At once, Seonghwa can feel his heart beating. Clattering against his ribcage and promising a heart attack, but beating nonetheless. He will miss this feeling, being alive again. All he feels now is Hongjoong, his scent poisoning from this close, his face heating up Seonghwa’s hand, scorching, and his lips. Kissing him, kissing him back. Seonghwa feels like fainting.
He remembers to inhale some oxygen, to stay alive just to prolong this moment, and feels hands linking behind his head, threading fingers in his blonde hair and holding him far more gentler than he deserves. He puts his hand on other’s waist and waits for rejection. Hongjoong exhales softly.
He smiles, as if he hasn’t just redrawn Seonghwa’s whole universe, hasn’t promised all he ever wanted. As if it’s alright.
And right now, looking into the starry sky in the eyes in front of him and seeing them looking back, Seonghwa thinks that maybe it is. Maybe it is alright.