Chapter Text
How Wade Wilson Tried To Destroy Christmas
New York City was a very loud, a very busy and a very rude place, but Peter loved it all the same. It did not change with the holiday; it was still very loud, very busy and very rude. Pretty Christmas lights would go up, a large tree would be chopped down somewhere and brought into Times Square, and the stores would decorate their window in gaudy Christmas fashion. People would bustle from one store to the next, bags jostling against each other, people arguing on their phones, people frantically trying to do all of their Christmas shopping in one day.
If there was one thing Peter Parker didn’t like, it was crowds. Crowds and criminals, but here he was standing in front of Macy’s, his arm full of bags and boxes, waiting for his Aunt. He huffed as another woman pushed past him, the boxes threatening to topple from his arms. Being Spider-Man was way easier than going out shopping during the Christmas Season.
“Peter? Peter? Where are you?” Peter tried to move towards the voice of his Aunt, adjusting his hold on the boxes, thanking his spider grip that he could carry these things without dropping them. A hand reached in and grabbed a box that blocked his face. The smiling face of his Aunt May appeared. “I thought I’d lost you for good in all of these boxes.” Peter sighed.
“Is this all really necessary?” Peter motioned with his eyes at all of the things piled into his arms. “It just all seems a bit…much.” Aunt May laughed before reaching into the open space, patting his face.
“This is what Christmas is all about Peter! Can’t you feel the magic in the air?” He sighed and shifted one of the bags off of his little finger and onto the entirety of his hand. “But I do think we have enough for today, let’s go home.” Peter’s eyes widened.
“What do you mean enough for today? I think we have enough to send gifts to everyone in New York!” Another round of laughter spilled from her lips as she went to the street to hail a cab. “My Aunt May is officially trying to kill me.” He took a deep breath in and followed his aunt to the cab she actually managed to grab.
____
In a building on the poorest, emptiest, and trashiest part of town lived a man who did not like Christmas, not one bit. Wade Wilson stood in his room, hating the people who were out and about, getting ready to celebrate one of the most overrated holidays. His eyes narrowed, his fists clenched and a grimace pulled tight across his lips. The man was deeply scarred, had quite a few tumors and had no hair anywhere on his body. The only thing the man liked about his appearance were the bright blue eyes he had.
(Our only defining feature)
[That is clearly a joke, readers. Yellow box likes to think he has a sense of humor.]
Wade narrowed his eyes towards the ceiling where his boxes appeared. His jaw clenched tight at the incessant boxes. A moment of peace was all he really craved.
(How rude, we are delightful.)
[Again, this is a joke.]
(No! I mean it this time.)
A series of hushed giggles echoed outside of his building. Wade glanced down at the sidewalk and noticed four teenagers trying to break into the abandoned building he lived in. His eyes narrowed and he snapped his fingers.
(Poor unfortunate souls.)
[Wrong Universe.]
(Disney owns Marvel now though!)
[True. That would be an interesting crossover.]
A quick series of footsteps hurried towards Wade.“Shut up you two! Bob, do something about them.” Bob tilted his head a moment before noticing the sounds of the teenagers below. Sighing in relief that he did not have to shoot his boss again, Bob quickly nodded and rushed out of the apartment. A loud booming noise echoed from down the building, followed by high-pitched screams. He watched as the teenagers went running down the street. Wade sneered in delight. “Serves those damn, Christmas loving, asshole kids right.” He moves his hand to his arm and mindlessly scratches. “I’ve been too fucking tolerant lately. Not enough fucking destruction.”
(Oooh, I think we are going to get out of the house!)
[It is almost Christmas. There will be lots of people.]
(Lots of chances for mayhem!)
“So! They want to spend some quality time with good ol’ Deadpool… “ He stops for a minute and looks towards the downtown area, a large grin spreading across his scarred face. “I guess I could use a little social interaction.” Wade claps his hands together with glee before retreating into his room. Bob peaked in from the doorway just in time to catch the end of Wade’s plan. He could never convince Wade to do something different once his mind was made up.
“This is not going to end well.” Bob said quietly as he pulls his mask down over his eyes. A loud cackling echoed from behind Wade’s bedroom door. “This is not going to end well at all. “
________
Peter was already on patrol when a group of four teenagers came running down the street. They were covered head to toe in what seemed to be red sludge and glitter. He swung down onto the street in front of them, startling them into almost turning around and running back the way they came.
“Wait! What has got you guys so freaked out?” The one teenager had finally recognized him and almost calmed down immediately. He grasped the arms of the two kids next to him and convinced them not to runaway just yet.
“Dude its Spider-Man, he can help.” Peter was relieved to see that these were some fans of Spider-Mans and not fans of J. Jonah Jameson. The teenager, who spoke up, looked towards him. “It…it was Deadpool!” Peter was thankful for the mask, because it covered up his confusion. He had obviously heard of Deadpool, had even worked with him on a few occasions, but he wasn’t aware that the infamous mercenary was in New York, let alone into pranking teenagers. Actually, he could believe the pranking.
“Why would Deadpool cover you in…red goo and sparkles?” The group of teenagers started to fidget. Peter raised an eyebrow. “What did you guys do to piss off a well known mercenary?” Teenager one, Peter had dubbed, looked up sheepishly at him.
“We might have been trying to break into his home…” Peter could have smacked all four of them. He took a deep breath and counted to ten before addressing the situation. Looking around, he noticed that no one was paying them much attention. New Yorkers, you had to love them for their stubborn sense of ‘It’s not my problem.’
“You guys are seriously stupid. Go home and spend time with your families. Also, stop messing around with people who wouldn’t think twice about putting a bullet in your head.” The kids nodded their thanks and ran off down the streets, hopefully towards their homes. “STAY IN SCHOOL.” Peter yelled after them, earning him quite a few stares from people. He shrugged his reply to their stares and swung himself up and out of the street.
________
Wade Wilson was having the literal time of his life as he marched on the street. He was dressed as Santa Claus and messing with people almost everywhere. Looking back to see Bob, who was dressed as his elf, he grinned. This was his best idea yet. He spit a few spitballs towards adults dressed up in holiday garb, who looked like they were having fun. He handed firecrackers to children, obviously telling them to be careful; he wanted to create mayhem not loss of children’s fingers.
(Be careful when using anything explosive kids!)
[Make sure to ask your guardians permission before using anything explosive if you are not an adult.]
(Unless your guardians a dick!)
[Let’s just go with adult supervision.]
He spray-painted targets on several Santa’s, he ripped Christmas lights off of trees and wrapped them around different vehicles lined up along the street. He literally picked candy canes out of peoples hands claiming that it was a ‘Santa Tax’. He caused all sorts of mayhem before finally climbing up a building and resting on the roof. Bob scrambled up behind him and sat quietly as Wade laughed with Joy.
(Is this going to be our new Christmas Tradition)
[I don’t think it can be called a Christmas Tradition if we are trying to ruin the spirit.]
“That was the most fun I’ve had in a while. We should bother Christmas shoppers more often!” Bob just nodded quietly; noticing that the grin the other had on his face was slowly slipping. A sound of something whipping through the air caught both of the men’s attention. “Spidey?” The hero must have heard Wade because instead of swinging by he jumped up on to the roof.
“Hello?” The young hero crept closer to the two men and Wade had stood up. He wasn’t much taller than Spider-Man, but he was definitely larger. A large grin spread across his face. The mask stayed expressionless, but Peter was scrunching his face up in confusion. He knew that voice.
“Can’t you recognize me baby boy?” Spider-Man jumped backwards, eyes widening behind his mask.
“D-D-D-D…” Wade rolled his eyes.
“Da-da-da-da-da-DEADPOOL! BINGO!” Wade mocked the masked hero. Did he not realize how stupid and adorable his stuttering was? He unconsciously tried to pull the white beard further up on his face.
(Clearly not.)
[I don’t think he realized it was us because of our current attire.]
(Pulling up the beard isn’t going to hide our ugly face, stupid.)
“Nice. Well, if you don’t need anything I’m just going to go.” Wade quickly reached out to grab Spider-Mans arm when all of a sudden he jumped backwards away from Deadpool and fell off of the building. “AH!” Wade quickly ran over to the side of building to see where the man had gone and saw him dangling from a wire too far away from the building to cling onto. “Help! Please!” Wade paused a moment and turned back towards Bob.
Peter could not get over how fucking stupid he felt at that moment. He was Spider-Man and he was dangling from a fucking wire. He couldn’t swing over to the wall because he had a fantastic bruise on his side that was really starting to hurt and he had managed to land on that roof right before he ran out of webbing. He was super prepared today. “Deadpool, Please!” He waited a few minutes before sighing loudly. Peter didn’t think he was going to be rescued anytime soon, so even though his side hurt he had to try to swing to the building. He started to move his legs back and forth to swing to the building when a sharp pain erupted from the wound on his side. So that wasn’t going to work. Hopefully Deadpool would try and grab him before he had to drop and suffer the consequences.
“Well, I guess that means we are free to go-OW! Bob! What the hell?!” Bob had kicked Wade squarely in the shin, glaring at him. “What?! He’s fine. He is a super hero!”
(Are we really going to leave that sexy piece of ass hanging there?)
[Doesn’t he have wall-sticking abilities he could use to swing himself over to the wall?]
(He has mysteriously come down with a case of ‘bruised ribs’ and ‘it hurts to much to swing my lithe body’.)
[Its all too convenient if you ask me.]
“Goddamn it White and Yellow, shut up!” Bob kicked him again, harder, and Wade threw his hands up in the air. “Fucking fine!” He rolled his eyes and leaned over to grab the dangling man. “Bleeding fucking hearts of the world unite.” He grabbed Spider-Man and pulled him onto the roof.
“Th-Thanks!” Peter gasped out, trying to calm down all of his nerves. His side was still in pain, but now he was at least on a solid surface. “I thought I was gonna have to drop to the ground there for a second.” Wade stared at him before waving him off. “No really, thanks for saving me. I mean I wouldn’t of died, but it would’ve hurt a lot.” Wade’s heart lurched in his chest, before he turned around, clearing his throat.
(Aw! Did you hear that? He thanked us! Genuinely!)
[He is Spider-Man, I don’t think he’d honestly be ungrateful.]
(But just imagine how cute he looks under that mask! I bet he was blushing!)
“It’s nothing baby boy. Couldn’t let that sexy piece of ass come to any harm.” He made to leap off the roof before turning around and giving Peter a sloppy salute. “See ya later baby boy! Bob, let’s go!” Peter watched as the two men disappeared from sight. He was too in awe of the man at the moment to be worried about how he was going to get home. Deadpool didn’t seem as bad as everyone always said he was. Maybe he wasn’t a bad guy, just horribly misunderstood.
“I wonder why nobody will talk about Deadpool? Something to ponder on later, I guess.” He held up his hand and made to swing before remembering that there wasn’t any web left in his web shooters. “Dammit.” He looked at the endless rooftops that lay before him. “This is going to hurt like a bitch.” He took a deep breath and leapt off of the roof towards the next one.