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Banhammer was walking home after a long, tired day at work. He was kicking pebbles and grumbling to himself because Broker had escaped again that fucking asshole. Banhammer would be homophobic right now if it weren’t for the fact that he had a boyfriend so it would be hypocrisy (he learnt that word from his boyfriend).
His boyfriend Katana was so hot and cool. But not as hot and cool as him because that would be impossible. Katana was lucky to have him honestly, because he was just so amazing and sexy and strong and talented and very humble.
So anyways he finally reached his front door and smashed it open with his gear because when you're as cool and sexy as him you don't need doors. He waltzed into his beautiful luxurious mansion and was shocked to see Katana sitting on his couch!!
“Hey baby girl, you miss me?” Banhammer blew a kiss while he flexed his gigantic and very attractive muscles.
“Missing someone is your heart’s way of reminding you that you love them.” He responded, calmly sipping on his tea through his mask. Don't ask how, Katana’s just quirky like that.
“You ready for our pretty cure marathon, cupcake? But you gotta go make me dinner first.” Banhammer was still doing bodybuilder poses in the middle of his living room.
“I’m good.”
Banhammer was absolutely flabbergasted that a single living soul wouldn't want to make him dinner! Katana should be honoured that he’s even looking at him!
“Go make me dinner NOW POOKIE!!! YOU'RE MAKING DADDY ANGRY!!” He screamed back. His voice was so scary and loud that it shattered Katana’s tea cup.
“I have a date tonight.”
Banhammer’s heart shattered into millions of little pieces like the cup did.
“What?? With who??” Banhammer grumbled. He sounded like thunder or maybe a bunch of rocks rolling down a hill or something else that's very loud and cool.
At that exact, very convenient moment, Katana’s date walked in. Banhammer was shocked to see it was none other than…
“MOMMA!?” He yelled in dismay.
Windforce smiled at her little baby boy as she kissed Katana’s cheek.
“Meet your new stepfather sweetie!!”
“We don’t meet people by accident. Fate makes us cross paths for a reason.” Katana said all calmly like he wasn’t cheating on Banhammer with his own mother.
“Isn’t he so smart and mysterious? I’m gonna go leave for a bit for plot reasons, you boys talk!” She smiled and walked away before Banhammer could beg her to stay.
“HOW COULD YOU DO THIS??? I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME??”
“I don’t.”
“THEN WHY??”
Katana stepped closer to him.
“Because you’re ugly.”
“EXCUSE ME?”
“You look like your mother still breastfeeds you. You look like the end result of Elvis Prestley right before he died and Dee Dee Blanchard having a one night stand. Wearing that blindfold is you doing everyone a favour, because your ugliness alone would turn the entire population suicidal. You look like you drink more petrol than Biograft does. Subspace’s rotting face looks more normal than yours does.”
Banhammer started crying through his blindfold like a pathetic little baby waaa waaaa.
“And I’m not just stopping at your mother, either.” Katana continued.
“Why not former pookie?!?!”
“I’m going after Flipside next. And then Sword. And then Firebrand. And then Venomshank. Before you know it, your family reunions will revolve around me. I will be the topic of discussion forever. My legacy will live on long after I have died and you will never forget me.”
“Not if I arrest you first!!” Banhammer scrunched up his fits and steam came out of his ears and made a train noise.
“Nuh uh.”
Banhammer fell to the floor and started bawling his eyes out like a pathetic little baby because he couldn't argue with such bulletproof reasoning. Windforce came back and she left with his new stepdad, completely ignoring her very ugly son as he kicked his legs and slammed his first against the floor and went “waaaah, waaaaaaah”.